Letting People Down

[Scaty05]

I had this amazing professor who is so supportive and believes in me so much.  He told me he's be surprised if I didn't get into most of the programs I applied to...

 

I've already been rejected from 1/6 and I haven't heard a peep from any of the others yet... 

 

Feeling really stressed that I'm not only going to let myself down if I don't get in anywhere, but I have these people who think I'm so great.  i feel like I've somehow fooled them all.  lol.  And they're going to find out what a failure I am.  Not ready for that allusion to be shattered... it's going to be humiliating. 

[HigherEd2013]

Been there, done that myself. Actually, a few years ago, I was applying for a PhD in Psychology and got rejected from all 9 programs I applied to with no interviews. Now, keep in mind that at that point, I shouldn't have been applying as I didn't have a clear idea what I wanted to study and was scared of the real world. You probably are in a different situation and much more qualified and certain. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. Personally, I took a job I loved for two years and am now applying to a different type of program that fits me more.

 

Remember that these people just want you to succeed. Whatever you need to do, whether it be go this year or take a year off, they'll be proud of you no matter what. Plus, I'm pretty sure those people have experienced some sort of rejection or failure in their lives too, so they'll understand. Also, remember that this process is really competitive. A rejection does not mean you weren't a good candidate. Worst case scenario, you'll work for a little while, get publications and other awesome things and get into wonderful schools the next year. But...You haven't heard back from all of your schools yet, so you're still in the running . Don't lose hope yet!

[iExcelAtMicrosoftPuns]

You haven't fooled anyone. Honestly do you think you'd be capable of fooling so many people and not raising doubts?

Rejection is not the end of your life, it may mean you need to see and experience more before locking yourself into a graduate program for an extended period of time. 

Although I'm certain the following advice isn't reflective of most people's opinions on here; Stop looking towards graduate school for meaning/fulfillment/means to an end/etc. It's none of those things, it's just another life experience.

Think about why you want to go to a psychology PhD- why? To be a researcher? Why? etc, etc, just keep digging deeper until you get to some sort of action you can take right now pending acceptances.... It's not going to solve your problems, but it'll keep you busy

[Mecasickle]

4 years ago I applied to MIT, Stanford, U Penn and Cornell as an international applicant (undergrad transfer) from a small town and university back in Peru. I let all my high school friends, family and M.E. department down, they were all having hopes that I could represent the country...

 

Today I've worked at UCSB on BioImage Informatics, and am collaborating long distance with a Marr Prize winner (the highest honor in Computer Vision) Professor at Virginia Tech on a new idea I've proposed. I just re-applied for Fall 2013 to places like MIT and Stanford for my PhD with a higher leverage of getting in, as I met most of the professors personally and know the grad students of the lab I want to get into from conferences in Italy and France I've been.

 

Failure and rejection can happen due to multiple reasons. I wasn't ready back then, now I feel more prepared, the important thing is to never give up on your goals and work realistically to achieve them.

 

I personally don't believe in God, but a friend of mine told me a very deep quote when I failed and let all of my friends and peers down. It kinda went like this:

 

Me: God only gives you one shot in life, and I failed...

Him: You're wrong, he gives you two. The first time you weren't ready...

Me: What about the second?

Him: That's what we're preparing ourselves for.

[Vincenzo]

i feel like I've somehow fooled them all...

 

I like this statement. Oh how I like it.

 

You're in good company Scaty. I started young in the professional world. I came up self-taught and was holding qualified competitive positions in software/database development by seventeen. I may now have gone back to being just a poor simple student again, but I've built companies. I've run successful, highly-technical projects in enterprises large and small with tons of moving parts, beautiful horrid complications, and I've held senior/executive-level positions for several years (always being much younger than most of my colleagues).

I walked into work every day, wherever work was (and it changed around because I got bored fast), and I stood tall and fronted the man with all the answers. I was the guy to go to. The one who could make anything work. Who could sit in a room with any group of anyone and weave spells made of confidence and expertise. There was nothing I couldn't understand, do, or improve upon.

 

For a decade I did this, every day waiting for someone to catch me. To figure me out. To realize that I didn't have a clue. That I wasn't some grand genius. That I was just making everything up as I went along, taking one shot in the dark after another until I managed to get stuff right. I was just a fraud, an idiot, a simpleton. Faking them out. Fooling them all. This is how I felt. For years! I waited and waited, all the time wondering, who will it be that finally calls me out and puts me to shame?

But no one ever managed it - or tried to.

And it took a good while to realize just how much I wasn't alone to feel the way I did.

 

Have a look at this blog entry from another tech pro / entrepreneur ( http://blog.asmartbear.com/self-doubt-fraud.html ). Then, read the comments below it. Then, breathe, because that's the trick of everything, always. Breathe and give this riot another week or two to settle before you let yourself come apart. There's still time, and we're all pretenders.

Edited January 16, 2013 by Vincenzo

[blakeblake]

Your professors wouldn't believe in someone who couldn't hack graduate work.  If you don't get in, it just means that your materials were not in order or that you weren't a good fit for the programs that you applied for or that the adcomm was asleep when they looked over your credentials.  There are more qualified people who apply for grad school than can be admitted.  Your professors know this, even if you don't.  So don't feel bad if you don't get in.  You can always reapply next year (and those profs will be happy to help), or you can get a kick-butt job.  That will make your professors proud, too.

[Scaty05]

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful words and encouragement.  I am trying my best to stay positive.  This is actually a very big move for me.  I have been out of school for several years now and have finally discovered my passion.  I didn't want to jump into graduate school right after my BA without knowing exactly what I wanted.  Now that I know, I am feeling a little out of the academia loop... this whole application process has felt like such a guessing game.  I guess I am lucky to have professors who still remember me and care about me.  Everyone is just so excited for me...  I hope that I can give them good news.

[Scaty05]

Oh and Vincenzo - I have felt like that my whole life!  I have also been fairly successful working in corporate and I often feel like I'm just winging it and getting lucky every time.  I keep waiting for someone to figure me out.  Perhaps our standards are too high for ourselves?  I also get bored with positions alarmingly fast... as soon as I become comfortable and have a routine down, I tend to get bored.  Maybe I like a challenge.  So weird to hear from someone with similar feelings!

[ion_exchanger]

Feeling really stressed that I'm not only going to let myself down if I don't get in anywhere, but I have these people who think I'm so great.  i feel like I've somehow fooled them all.  lol.  And they're going to find out what a failure I am.  Not ready for that allusion to be shattered... it's going to be humiliating. 

 

Understand this statement 1000000%. I cring everytime I hear my mentor tell someone else that I'm exceptional. I'm thinking, have you met me?

 

That said, we trust and look up to our mentors for guidance. We trust their judgment on other matters, we have to trust that they are telling the truth in what they see in us, no matter how hard.

[OhMySocks]

You seem like you have a classic case of Impostor Syndrome. As wikipedia puts it "Despite external evidence of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be." 

 

What is important to realize is that most people that are applying to graduate school and in grad school seem to have this to some extent.  I know I certainly do. 

[selecttext]

1/6 pshh , keep your head up! it's too early to worry!

[karent]

I completely relate.  And it's tearing me up.  Deep down I know I will not be accepted to any school, and it's breaking my heart.  I've struggled more that I'd like to admit - taking so long to finish my BA (over 10 years in and out of school, being a part-time student, and pausing to work full-time).  Despite knowing exactly what I want to do - be a librarian with a specialty in Slavic Studies - I'm afraid I won't be able to see my dream come to fruition. The professors who wrote my LORs only know that I did well in their classes - they don't know that twice in the last two years I failed a class, overwhelming myself with too many credits.  My GRE scores are atrocious.  Maybe my statement of purpose is good and the LORs are certainly very kind, but I'm otherwise entirely a joke of an applicant.

 

That impostor syndrome is neat - but I really am a fake.  My parents think I'm smart, some professors also do, but they all have a very limited knowledge of my actual work.  I'm so disorganized.  I always cobble papers together at the last minute.  It recently dawned on me in the most profound manner that my luck in these matters has run out.  I love school - I don't want to think of life without it.

 

So, yes, I completely relate.

 

- Karen

[PoliSwede]

I was having an anxiety-attack the other day and decided to email one of my professors that have been really supportive and helped me with this process. Again, she reassured me that I have a good shot at (almost) all of my schools and that she thinks I've done everything right.

 

She's obviously completely crazy, because I've become convinced that I don't stand a chance anywhere!

[karent]

I'd like to add that I've calmed down considerably since last night's panic attack (and I'm a bit embarrassed).  You know what?  These things are out of our hands and there is no more that we can do at this point.  It's not the end of the world - no matter what happens.  We did the best we could at the time.

 

We'll be ok.

 

Best wishes,

Karen

Edited January 20, 2013 by karent

[misskira]

Don't forget what an accomplishment it is for any of us to even be in the position of just applying to graduate school! No matter what happens we've all earned at least one degree already and had the ambition to apply for more. That's not a failure by any measure. I tell myself that if I don't get accepted, I will take a month to decide what I really want. Then I will spend the next 9 months doing whatever I can to strengthen my application before giving it another go. Or I will pick a different (not less worthy) path and continue on.

[EdYouKateOr]

I'd like to add that I've calmed down considerably since last night's panic attack (and I'm a bit embarrassed).  You know what?  These things are out of our hands and there is no more that we can do at this point.  It's not the end of the world - no matter what happens.  We did the best we could at the time.   We'll be ok.   Best wishes, Karen

I've already reached my daily quota for "likes", but I appreciate you sharing! We all have times when we lose our minds!

[EdYouKateOr]

Don't forget what an accomplishment it is for any of us to even be in the position of just applying to graduate school! No matter what happens we've all earned at least one degree already and had the ambition to apply for more. That's not a failure by any measure. I tell myself that if I don't get accepted, I will take a month to decide what I really want. Then I will spend the next 9 months doing whatever I can to strengthen my application before giving it another go. Or I will pick a different (not less worthy) path and continue on.

Also valid, timely and appreciated!