Finding a husband in graduate school.

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

I can't really find any work, I've gone on so many interviews but nothing. Also my degree is in criminal justice so there isn't much a can do with that. I don't necessarily put finding a relationship before grad school, to me they are equal. I look at grad school kind of as a means to get the other, I didn't meet anyone during undergrad, I didn't put myself out there much this is like my second chance. I get to move out and go to school and actually be an adult. The Social Work thing I have thought about for a while, I know I want to go into this field, I don't know anything else I would even want to do. If I worked and lived in the city for a year or 2 and didn't meet someone then I just waste a year or 2 of my life. With grad school I have 2 years I will have a degree if nothing else and then get a better job and hopefully meet someone. Even though like I said I'm going to try really hard to meet someone during grad school so I can get married after.

 

Why do you think if you didn't put yourself out there and meet someone in undergrad, that you would do it as a graduate student? What has changed about you that will facilitate that?

[LittleDarlings]

I lived at home during undergrad and commuted I had my high school friends and that was who I hung out with or I was a loner. I only applied to school far from home so any school I go to I will have to live on my own and make new friends. I know I'm capable of making friends and even if I couldn't I hope I would just have an awesome roommate to hang out with who will have friends and we can go to bars and pick up on guys or whatever.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

I lived at home during undergrad and commuted I had my high school friends and that was who I hung out with or I was a loner. I only applied to school far from home so any school I go to I will have to live on my own and make new friends. I know I'm capable of making friends and even if I couldn't I hope I would just have an awesome roommate to hang out with who will have friends and we can go to bars and pick up on guys or whatever.

You're assuming your roommate would 1) be awesome, 2) be social, 3) be interested in being your friend, 4) be someone who goes to bars, 5) have friends, 6) be interested in guys. You also mentioned a few times that you really want to go to Ohio State because it's close to home. But I thought you just said you want to get far away from home. Which is it? 

[LittleDarlings]

You're assuming your roommate would 1) be awesome, 2) be social, 3) be interested in being your friend, 4) be someone who goes to bars, 5) have friends, 6) be interested in guys. You also mentioned a few times that you really want to go to Ohio State because it's close to home. But I thought you just said you want to get far away from home. Which is it? 

Ohio State is far enough away from home that I can't go back every weekend, but it is still in Ohio I can still make it to my brothers games occasionally and go home if I want.  I want to get away from this area and meet new people which CBus would provide.  

 

As far as my roommate, I mean I assume I will kind of get to pick who I live with.  I wouldn't pick to live with someone who isn't fun and is a hermit because I'm not like that.  I would hope I like my roommate and they would want to be friends, I mean it would make the year super long if she didn't.  Or I will just live alone   

Edited December 5, 2013 by Pinkster12

[ZeChocMoose]

I can't really find any work, I've gone on so many interviews but nothing. Also my degree is in criminal justice so there isn't much a can do with that. I don't necessarily put finding a relationship before grad school, to me they are equal. I look at grad school kind of as a means to get the other, I didn't meet anyone during undergrad, I didn't put myself out there much this is like my second chance. I get to move out and go to school and actually be an adult. The Social Work thing I have thought about for a while, I know I want to go into this field, I don't know anything else I would even want to do. If I worked and lived in the city for a year or 2 and didn't meet someone then I just waste a year or 2 of my life. With grad school I have 2 years I will have a degree if nothing else and then get a better job and hopefully meet someone. Even though like I said I'm going to try really hard to meet someone during grad school so I can get married after.

 

What is so many interviews?  5? 10?  The economy is still recovering - it is going to take longer in some places than others especially if your area was hard hit by the great recession.  What type of jobs are you applying for?  You could be applying for jobs where the competition is particularly fierce - it is hard to know by what you have written.

 

And you don't need grad school to move out and be an adult.  Believe me - people do it all the time.  Sure, it might be scary in the beginning, but people make it work.  What is the closest large city to you?  I would start there for searching for jobs because younger, single people tend more often than not to live in or near the city.  Do you have any friends that live in cities that you could visit and see if you would potentially like to move there?

 

I also suggest for you to look at applying for some AmeriCorps programs.  The pay isn't wonderful but usually the job experience is great and it would give you a chance to live in a different area and be independent.  You will also have a lot more time to socialize than you are going to have in grad school.

 

What is about social work that interests you so much?  Interaction with people? counseling?  Or are you thinking that you want to do more macro-level activities i.e. policy or community building etc.  There are other fields that you could look into that have these components to them and have a better gender balance, but we need to know more about what interests you about social work in the first place.

 

 As far as my roommate, I mean I assume I will kind of get to pick who I live with.  I wouldn't pick to live with someone who isn't fun and is a hermit because I'm not like that.  I would hope I like my roommate and they would want to be friends, I mean it would make the year super long if she didn't.  Or I will just live alone    

 

I am over 30.  I have lived with a lot of random roommates when I was in my 20's.  You win some and you lose some when it comes to roommates.  And it is honestly hard to tell how well you are going to get along when you first meet them and decide to live together.  She may also get a boyfriend fairly early on and not be around much.  Or drop out of the program in the first year.  There are too many factors to really know.  

 

It is better to go in with fairly low expectations of roommates you don't know very well - hope that she will pay the rent on time, clean up after herself, and being willing to communicate with you when needed.  If you end up socializing together or becoming friends - great.  If not - no disappointments either.

[LittleDarlings]

ZeChocMoose:  I live less than an hour from Cleveland but I would never consider living there I hate the area lol I did apply to Case but if I got in and decided to attend that school I would live at home (it would save a ton of money since that school is so expensive, yet it would keep me in this area which is a MAJOR downside).  As far as the interviews I have gone to like 7, mostly jobs that were commission based a lot of insurance companies and courthouse jobs, a lot of them have nothing to do with my field of study.  I know I want to go back to school. If I don't go this year I will wait and reapply, I'm FOR SURE going back to grad school for Social Work.  

 

I like the counseling aspect, being able to talk to other people and help them with their issues.  I knew for a while I wanted to do counseling but I was so far in my degree that I didn't want to change and be set back a year so I just waited and learned more about getting a MSW and just applied.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

ZeChocMoose:  I live less than an hour from Cleveland but I would never consider living there I hate the area lol I did apply to Case but if I got in and decided to attend that school I would live at home (it would save a ton of money since that school is so expensive, yet it would keep me in this area which is a MAJOR downside).  As far as the interviews I have gone to like 7, mostly jobs that were commission based a lot of insurance companies and courthouse jobs, a lot of them have nothing to do with my field of study.  I know I want to go back to school. If I don't go this year I will wait and reapply, I'm FOR SURE going back to grad school for Social Work.  

 

I like the counseling aspect, being able to talk to other people and help them with their issues.  I knew for a while I wanted to do counseling but I was so far in my degree that I didn't want to change and be set back a year so I just waited and learned more about getting a MSW and just applied.

I hope you don't become a marriage counselor.

[LittleDarlings]

I hope you don't become a marriage counselor.

... Gee thanks.

I hope I'm married if I do marriage counseling

Edited December 5, 2013 by Pinkster12

[dat_nerd]

If I worked and lived in the city for a year or 2 and didn't meet someone then I just waste a year or 2 of my life. With grad school I have 2 years I will have a degree if nothing else and then get a better job and hopefully meet someone.

With grad school, you also have a non-trivial amount of grad school debt for a degree that (from what I understand) you aren't sure you'll use. I don't understand how this is an appealing option. Have you considered taking a year off to work in a city, and then applying to grad schools if you are still interested?

Edited December 5, 2013 by dat_nerd

[LittleDarlings]

I'm going to use my degree. Only time I wouldn't use the degree is if I met a rich man who could pay my debt and I could stay at home and raise a family and we would still live comfortably. I can't even find a regular guy let alone a rich one so I doubt that's going to happen. I graduated in May I have taken the year off. I didn't find a job so I'm going back to school

Edited December 5, 2013 by Pinkster12

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

... Gee thanks.

I hope I'm married if I do marriage counseling

I'm just teasing you.

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

I'm going to use my degree. Only time I wouldn't use the degree is if I met a rich man who could pay my debt and I could stay at home and raise a family and we would still live comfortably. I can't even find a regular guy let alone a rich one so I doubt that's going to happen. I graduated in May I have taken the year off. I didn't find a job so I'm going back to school

 

Umm....

[dat_nerd]

I didn't find a job so I'm going back to school

 

So, my understanding is that you're going to grad school.. to get a job.. to pay back grad school debt.. so that you can meet someone.. so that you can stop using your degree? I must be missing something here. If the primary goal is to meet someone, there are many ways to do that without involving massive amounts of student debt.

[LittleDarlings]

I think that school is the best way to meet people, I mean look at how many people on this site mentioned meeting their SO in grad school. I have spent my time since May job searching and pretty much hanging out at home and I have no idea how I'm supposed to meet men, there's nothing to do, none of the jobs I interviewed off or looked at were jobs that had a nice pool off single attractive guys. I doubt social work will have that (unless I work in the hospital setting which I hope I do... I can be around cute doctors! Lol) at least I will have a career instead of some job that isn't even remotely related to my degree.

[TakeruK]

I think that school is the best way to meet people, I mean look at how many people on this site mentioned meeting their SO in grad school. I have spent my time since May job searching and pretty much hanging out at home and I have no idea how I'm supposed to meet men, there's nothing to do, none of the jobs I interviewed off or looked at were jobs that had a nice pool off single attractive guys. I doubt social work will have that (unless I work in the hospital setting which I hope I do... I can be around cute doctors! Lol) at least I will have a career instead of some job that isn't even remotely related to my degree.

 

Again, people on this site isn't a good representation of graduate students in general. I am a married graduate student that got married during graduate school but I met my SO way before grad school. I do know a bunch of other married graduate students, both in my current program and in past programs, but the vast majority of them met their SO before they got to grad school. A large majority of married graduate students are married to people who are not graduate students themselves. The smaller fraction that are married to other students had to overcome the "two body problem" in order for both of them to get graduate school offers in the same area/city/school. 

 

It's fine to consider "will this school/program/city help me find a husband?" a factor in your graduate school search. But I feel that some of your plans might be way too specific or detailed for it to make sense to think about at this point. Sure, you might get a great roommate and meet the love of your life in the first month of your new program. Or you might have a terrible roommate that never talks to you and you have to hassle every month to get rent paid on time. At this stage, I think you can only really try to find certain things (e.g. bigger cities etc.) that might enhance your chances of meeting a partner, but there is no way you can be even 60% certain that the school you choose will result in finding a SO. 

[MoJingly]

I think that school is the best way to meet people, I mean look at how many people on this site mentioned meeting their SO in grad school.

 

Your comments tend to make me nervous because I think you contradict yourself a lot. You mention that you really want to go to grad school because you feel like it's a good fit for you, then you say it was because you couldn't find a job, and then you say it's to meet a guy.  

 

We can't dissuade you from going to grad school if the latter is your goal, but just know that this won't be the goal of the majority of people.  People on this site (including me) may have met their SO in grad school, but I can almost guarantee that none of us went to grad school with that goal in mind, or were even actively looking when it happened. 

[MoJingly]

Also, in my both of the programs I have been in (I transferred after my first year), the VAST majority of the students were already married. 

[LittleDarlings]

I want to go to grad school because I want to be a clinical social worker. I also really hope that in that time at grad school I meet someone and marry them sooner rather than later. That is what I would like to happen. I mean I get that maybe my motivation isn't ideal but it's my motivation and it's what I want and I'm not going to give up on trying to find someone to marry and have a family with. Obviously other people do it... I don't want to know about all the already married people lol I have thought of that. Believe me I think about how and when I'm going to find someone EVERY SINGLE DAY. I mean at least I will be in the college setting, I could meet an undergrad guy idk

I honestly am focused and I do care about school and grades and I want to be a clinical social worker. I also want to be a wife and mother and I don't think that's a bad thing

Edited December 6, 2013 by Pinkster12

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

I want to go to grad school because I want to be a clinical social worker. I also really hope that in that time at grad school I meet someone and marry them sooner rather than later. That is what I would like to happen. I mean I get that maybe my motivation isn't ideal but it's my motivation and it's what I want and I'm not going to give up on trying to find someone to marry and have a family with. Obviously other people do it... I don't want to know about all the already married people lol I have thought of that. Believe me I think about how and when I'm going to find someone EVERY SINGLE DAY. I mean at least I will be in the college setting, I could meet an undergrad guy idk

Undergrad guys don't want to get married... 

 

Anyway, all jokes aside, maybe we're just on two completely different thought waves, but some things you say are just weird to me. You say you think about finding someone EVERY SINGLE DAY. I just don't understand that. Personally, it would make me nervous if a girl I was dating had an agenda to meet the perfect marriage partner. It seems like the idea is more important than the person. I could be dating you and really like you but be looking over my shoulder everywhere we go because that guy sitting over there could be a more ideal husband. Does that make sense? People want to feel like the love for them is genuine. You want to feel like you were almost destined for each other. With the way you talk about marriage, you could just plug any guy in to fit your dream scenario. How should the guy feel about that? Should he feel special? He was just in the right place at the right time. I guess what I'm saying is, your fixation with the idea of marriage makes me question if you could every truly love someone for who they are and not for what they can do for you (i.e. give you the perfect marriage). 

[LittleDarlings]

I am a faithful girlfriend, I wouldn't date someone and then dump them for someone who would be better marriage material... But I admit I really want to be married and start a family soon I know I could truely love someone.. I have. I just don't understand what you want me to say. It isn't bad to want a family.

And I have known some undergrad people who got married like right after college so that could happen, especially if they are older undergrad guys

Edited December 6, 2013 by Pinkster12

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

Okay, I guess I'm compelled to up my contribution to $0.03...

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to start a family. Absolutely nothing. But I think you need to get a better idea about who you are independently. For all you know, you could meet and fall in love with the perfect future husband - but he may not be ready for marriage for years. That happens. It happened to my brother - he was dating a woman who was older than him and as each year passed she was getting more and more nervous (that internal baby clock, you know), and he didn't propose until they had been dating for five years. But, they're great together, and they will make a great husband and wife (and parents, when that time comes).

 

But see, even though she really really wanted to be a wife and mother, she was (is!) also a strong, independent woman with a lot going for her otherwise. That's what made her 1.) worth dating and 2.) worth getting engaged with. Her first goal was not to give up all her goals and her personality in order to find a man who could take care of her and pay off the loans she insisted she needed to take out for a degree she really would rather not need to use if only she could find a rich guy.

 

I think the problem here is that you're presenting us with a paradox: you really want to go to grad school and get into social work, but you're willing to give it all up for a man.

 

Hey look, I hope you find what you're looking for, and I hope it's amazing. 

 

The problem is, I think you need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and really take the time to evaluate your priorities. The time between May and December is not very long, and I'm not surprised that after only seven interviews you don't have a job. That's the nature of the current market. On the other hand, it's not a bad thing that you're applying for grad school now - but you should continue looking for other opportunities in the mean time. Who knows, maybe you'll find a nice job where a lot of men work by this upcoming May and decide that you'd rather put off grad school for a while. If for you personally finding a husband is more important than beginning a grad program and career, then great! But that means you'll have to give yourself every opportunity to achieve that, and that means keeping an open mind right up until you start your grad program.

 

On the other hand, I'm going to reiterate: I would personally be much more attracted to a woman who is well on her way to establishing herself professionally, has a solid, logical head on her shoulders, and knows what she wants in life (other than just me!). In fact, I have that, and it's amazing. Three years strong and we're looking to move in together when I start (hopefully) my own grad program this year (she will be done with hers). But if she had given off the same vibes that you seem to, I'd have run the other way and missed out on an amazing relationship.

[LittleDarlings]

You're probably just a little older than me or you were the same age as me when you met her (or she was the same age as me when she met you) and that is great you found someone but I haven't and it isn't looking super hopeful so I have to do what I have to do to get and keep a guy and if that means going to school, and then not necessarily using the degree I get then.. it happens I assume.  I would hope I would get my degree and use it and meet someone and still be able to use my degree and just have it all! The fact is I am almost 23 with NO prospects.. like ZERO, NONE, NOT ONE.  If I expect to even be married by 30 I need to meet someone soon, and Lord knows I hope I am married way before 30, even though 30 isn't old necessarily but it certainly is not the youngest, and it really isn't young to be unmarried, not dating anyone who could potentially marry you.  My friends and I used to always joke that if we were 30 and single would would just adopt kids because its so old lol I just think once you hit 30 if you are single (completely single and not dating anyone) it is downhill like there is nothing to do with yourself.  I mean a career would be great but that isn't going to fulfill me I could have the best career ever but if I have no husband or babies then my life is going to be crap.  My aunt is in her 50's she has an awesome career makes tons of money and she seems happy I guess (I don't know why) she is also unmarried and has no kids.. It's just really sad to me.  I feel kind of bad for her sometimes.  I'm just starting to get super bitter and like desperate (which I can totally admit) and I don't want to be single, being single is awful and at 23 almost being single is just embarrassing. 

 

I will continue looking for jobs but I just think grad school is what I want to do.  

 

** Actually I mentioned a guy in another post, that I stated talking to.  So I guess I don't have 0 prospects but I don't know where this will go so I don't know if I consider it was prospect.  Just thought I would clear that up

Edited December 6, 2013 by Pinkster12

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

You're probably just a little older than me or you were the same age as me when you met her (or she was the same age as me when she met you) and that is great you found someone but I haven't and it isn't looking super hopeful so I have to do what I have to do to get and keep a guy and if that means going to school, and then not necessarily using the degree I get then.. it happens I assume.  I would hope I would get my degree and use it and meet someone and still be able to use my degree and just have it all! The fact is I am almost 23 with NO prospects.. like ZERO, NONE, NOT ONE.  If I expect to even be married by 30 I need to meet someone soon, and Lord knows I hope I am married way before 30, even though 30 isn't old necessarily but it certainly is not the youngest, and it really isn't young to be unmarried, not dating anyone who could potentially marry you.  My friends and I used to always joke that if we were 30 and single would would just adopt kids because its so old lol I just think once you hit 30 if you are single (completely single and not dating anyone) it is downhill like there is nothing to do with yourself.  I mean a career would be great but that isn't going to fulfill me I could have the best career ever but if I have no husband or babies then my life is going to be crap.  My aunt is in her 50's she has an awesome career makes tons of money and she seems happy I guess (I don't know why) she is also unmarried and has no kids.. It's just really sad to me.  I feel kind of bad for her sometimes.  I'm just starting to get super bitter and like desperate (which I can totally admit) and I don't want to be single, being single is awful and at 23 almost being single is just embarrassing. 

 

I will continue looking for jobs but I just think grad school is what I want to do.  

 

Just a couple things:

 

1.) I don't think you actually read what I wrote. I think you're stuck in this alternative universe and you refuse to take a look out the window.

 

2.) It's extremely offensive for you to project your view of what constitutes happiness onto others (like saying you don't know why your aunt is happy, and that it's sad to you that her successful career is in itself fulfilling). We all have different paths and goals in our lives. A past boss made a great point (in response to some people teasing a gay friend about not yet having found "the one" in his mid thirties): "Some people just see one path for happiness and fulfillment and feel bad for anyone who hasn't taken their path. But the fact is that not everyone may need or want the same things." He's right, and it's extremely rude and ignorant to do that. 

 

3.) First, you clearly DO have prospects for a relationship, otherwise you wouldn't be open to one. Simple as that. Second, why do you have to meet someone in the next year or two in order to be married by 30? That's silly and rather immature, because chances are you're going to need to find someone with a similar vision for the future as you, and that probably means a short relationship and a short engagement. Who knows, maybe when you're 29 you'll meet someone, fall in love, get engaged and get married within those 365 days. It's possible - and the very fact that you believe otherwise is itself a limitation of the chances for success in potential future relationships. You are choosing only to see one possible way for this all to work out the way you want it to, and short of that you've failed and are going to live a long, miserable life alone. The problem is, that's not at all how reality works. 

 

You really need to start looking to empower yourself. I truly believe that the people best suited for relationships, are the people who are comfortable with themselves outside of a relationship. You ought to consider reading The Feminine Mystique, or at least reading the synopsis on Wikipedia... In some ways, I'm hopeful that graduate school and living in a new city will provide you the opportunity to open your eyes and not see so narrowly.

[dat_nerd]

I truly believe that the people best suited for relationships, are the people who are comfortable with themselves outside of a relationship.

Agreed. OP, if you're going to take only one piece of advice from the past seven pages of responses, I hope you'll heed this one. 

[LittleDarlings]

I mean I guess it is true I don't know how things will work out. I'm pretty determined just in this year alone I probably went out on like 20-30 dates and had 2 boyfriends.. Even though they didn't last. 

 

I did read what you wrote and I get it but I feel like so many people on here and ones who have responded are in relationships and were in them by 23 so you don't understand the desperate need I have to be in one.  I couldn't see myself dating a man who wasn't ready for marriage, I think it depends on how long it would take him to be ready because I couldn't see myself dating for 5 years maybe if I met them at like 18 or 19 that would be fine but I'm almost 23.  

 

You're right about the comment, but it isn't as if she didn't date and she has been engaged so obviously it was something she wanted at one point. I just don't know how I personally could be happy without a husband and kids, that is all I want.  A career is great and I want that too but I want to be a mom.  

 

Anyways, the whole being "comfortable with myself" I'm still working on that.  I do hope that going to grad school and being an actual adult will help me do more than just meet a guy.