Graduate student dating/relationship poll

[Chande]

I'm married (like I said) and I still hang out with single friends. It's really not as big a deal as you seem to think. We talk about science, news, whatever, not really married life or kids or whatever. If you asked me in my freshman year of undergrad if I would be married by the second year of my PhD program, I would have guessed no. It wasn't something I was particularly looking for. But I found the right guy for me that I wanted to marry and lived with him for years first to make sure we were compatible, because I believe marriage is for life barring circumstances like abuse. I think abandoning friendships because of being married is troublesome. Friendships are an important part of a support network and I don't know how I would have gotten through my first year (it was a rough year of depression and a car accident and falling down a staircase and other such things) without both my husband and my friends, whether my friends are single, in a relationship, engaged, or married.

Edited December 5, 2013 by Chande

[LittleDarlings]

I just don't want to hang out with friends in relationships all they want to do is talk about their significant other and I just sit there and act interested. I don't enjoy that. I just want single friends who are fun and want to talk about single people things. When I'm in a relationship too then I can hang out with those people. It's just too difficult for me so I avoid those situations. I have my 3 close friends but we aren't THAT close anymore because of boyfriends and college and stuff like that.

[SocGirl2013]

What are "single people things" and why can't you talk about these things with non-single people?

[Eigen]

You probably should have had an option for people who are already married. I had just gotten married when I started grad school.

 

Yup, no options for already married/already have kids leaves out a surprising number of people. 

[LittleDarlings]

What are "single people things" and why can't you talk about these things with non-single people?

I don't want to spend a whole meal talking about how my friends boyfriend is moving out of state and how she needs to now find a job here to save up and move there with him, or how he have her permission to start looking for jobs out there, or how he told her not to make plans on her birthday and how she wonders if he is going to propose or take her out of state.. None of those things are things I care about in the slightest.

[SocGirl2013]

You still didn't answer what single people things are and why you can't talk about those things with non-singles.

[LittleDarlings]

I don't know I mean I guess anything can be a single people topic or married people topic... Either way I don't want to hang out with them

[Eigen]

I don't want to spend a whole meal talking about how my friends boyfriend is moving out of state and how she needs to now find a job here to save up and move there with him, or how he have her permission to start looking for jobs out there, or how he told her not to make plans on her birthday and how she wonders if he is going to propose or take her out of state.. None of those things are things I care about in the slightest.

 

 

I don't know I mean I guess anything can be a single people topic or married people topic... Either way I don't want to hang out with them

 

Honestly, it sounds like you probably weren't that good of friends to begin with, then. You don't want to hear them talk about issues they're facing because you're uninterested, even if they need a friend to help them through it. Whether the issue is due to a relationship, a job, kids, etc., it's something they feel the need to talk out with a friend. If you're only going to listen to them because they're talking about things you're interested in, that's probably more of an acquaintance than a friend. 

 

When I got married, pretty much all of my single (or unmarried, dating) friends stopped hanging out with me. It was a good time to learn who really thought of me as a friend, and who just hung out with me because were similar. 

 

Now, the vast majority of my friends are unmarried, some single some in relationships, and it's never mattered to them a bit that I'm married. I think it's a maturity thing. 

[raneck]

Huh, I'm currently single and almost all of my friends (except one who just had a break up) are currently in relationships. They rarely talk about their relationship stuff, I usually have to drag it out of them.  They still have tons of things going on in their lives that aren't relationship based.  Like literally everything else...

[Eigen]

Huh, I'm currently single and almost all of my friends (except one who just had a break up) are currently in relationships. They rarely talk about their relationship stuff, I usually have to drag it out of them.  They still have tons of things going on in their lives that aren't relationship based.  Like literally everything else...

 

In my experience, there's a modulating effect: when you're in a relationship and you mention anything about a relationship, people tend to remember it as "all you talked about". 

[raneck]

^I'm sitting here literally wishing that some of them would talk MORE about their relationships, so that I would have at least some advance warning when one of them is about to break up and have to move in with me.. :\  Literally out of the blue... Had to rearrange all of my furniture...

 

In my experience, when people fixate on one thing like that, it means they weren't really listening at all...

[LittleDarlings]

Well my friends obviously let their relationships overtake their lives. I just make the choice to not talk about that stuff I don't want to hear it and I honestly don't have to, I can choose to do something else. We check in with eachother and that's good enough for me. I just want friends who are single and we can go out and pick up on guys people in relationships don't try to pickup on guys they also don't help me pick up on guys so that is no fun.

^your friend just randomly moved in with you? Wow

Edited December 5, 2013 by Pinkster12

[DropTheBase]

I don't know I mean I guess anything can be a single people topic or married people topic... Either way I don't want to hang out with them

 

Yeah I don't blame you. I've become extremely boring since getting with my girlfriend. And she just talks about me all the time with her friends. I feel bad for them!

 

It makes sense that you want to have similar goals with your spouse, but you won't know all of your spouse's goals and ideals when you get married. It's the issues that neither of you can compromise on that make marriage difficult. What will you do if you don't encounter these problems until late into your marriage? When kids are involved? If you don't have your own life/goals to rely on, that puts you in a vulnerable position, where you will have to compromise more often than your spouse. 

 

DTB

[raneck]

^youre friend just randomly moved in with you? Wow

  Yep.  The curse of having a two-bedroom apartment...

[LittleDarlings]

I don't know if I would mind having to compromise more. I want to be a supportive wife, as long as I have the flexibility to adjust. I mean I would expect him to adjust too though I think. I can't say how I would react I just hope that doesn't happen

[DropTheBase]

I don't know if I would mind having to compromise more. I want to be a supportive wife, as long as I have the flexibility to adjust. I mean I would expect him to adjust too though I think. I can't say how I would react I just hope that doesn't happen

 

Your contingency plan for conflict is hoping it won't happen at all? 

 

How can you be so attached to the idea of marriage and (appear to) have no concept of real-world marital problems? Maybe it's really worth considering what you want in a marriage and how you plan to deal with marriage before gambling your life away. You have plenty of time to do this.

 

DTB

[LittleDarlings]

I mean I know marriage is hard work, my parents have been married 26 years I've seen the struggle but they made it through. I know when I get married I'm sure there will be some conflict but I just don't think (and I hope) it isn't major. I would think whole dating someone I would find out a lot about them and I would know that my marriage is compatible. I mean how hard can this scenario be? I know some of the most selfish awful people who are engaged or married.

[spectastic]

[pears]

 I mean I would expect him to adjust too though I think. I can't say how I would react I just hope that doesn't happen

 

i agree with DTB: people change over time, but if you go into a relationship expecting to be the impetus for change in another person, or think they'll "adjust" for you.. well, you're gonna have a bad time. change and conflict will happen in a relationship. both can be a source of strength, but if you don't know how to communicate openly, respectfully, and patiently in a mature manner about everything, be it finances or the bedroom or work/school or what to have for dinner, it's very difficult to establish the genuine trust and concern for each other's well-being that underpin a successful relationship. collaboration is very different thing from compromise.

[LittleDarlings]

You all make it seem so difficult to find someone to marry. I mean I know you should be selective and find a good fit and if could possibly not work but I know some of the most awful people who are married or engaged... It cannot be THIS hard. I mean honestly. I don't want to be pessimistic about it (well anymore than I already am)

[Eigen]

Finding someone that will marry you isn't necessarily hard. 

 

Finding someone with which you will have a good, stable marriage and lifelong relationship, on the other hand, isn't. 

 

You seem to be conflating the two. 

 

And avoiding the people who might talk to you about some of those issues, since you don't want to hear about "relationship stuff". 

[LittleDarlings]

I would think that if I found someone who wanted to marry me we would somewhat discuss whatever issues could arise. I don't know I feel like everyone is making this so complicated. I just want to meet someone to date and then hopefully we have common goals and interests and then get married (within 2 years of dating if that) then stay married a little while and have children.

None of my friends can offer me actual good advice about relationships, even if they could I don't have a relationship...

Edited December 5, 2013 by Pinkster12

[aldoushuxley]

I think it all depends on your personality type [as a woman]. If I end up getting married in grad school, then shit, i'll be married. I want a very intimate ceremony anyways, so I don't think that planning would be a huge stressor. As a woman in science though, I feel like I will do my best work in my twenties. I don't want to be tied down with a kid while I'm supposed to be cranking out research. I am serious about my career, but I am also serious about my relationship. You don't have to choose one or the other; you just have to manage your time (and also make sacrifices occasionally). I want to have kids eventually, but that can wait until I am not working an entry level job or a post-doc. 

[MoJingly]

I would think that if I found someone who wanted to marry me we would somewhat discuss whatever issues could arise. I don't know I feel like everyone is making this so complicated. I just want to meet someone to date and then hopefully we have common goals and interests and then get married (within 2 years of dating if that) then stay married a little while and have children.

 

 

Well, if you only want to stay married "a little while" then it's not complicated. If you want to stay married for life, then it can most definitely be complicated, especially when balancing careers. I think that's what most are getting at. It will be even more complicated if you want to marry within your department (which you mentioned), since your two-body problem will be complicated by the fact that you both have the same training.

 

Of course, complicated does not mean impossible, and complicated doesn't even necessarily mean improbable.

Edited December 6, 2013 by MoJingly

[LittleDarlings]

I didn't mean stay married for a short time. I meant be married for a little while then have babies. I obviously should have worded that differently. I highly doubt I will meet a straight attractive man in a social work program, that's why I have to make friends so people can introduce me to people in other programs. That's how my friend met his 3 year girlfriend, despite that fact that he regularly cheats on her but that's not important to my situation