When do you feel like you matured?

[DeafAudi]

25 and yes, I am 25. I turn 26 in a couple of months. I realized that I wasn't happy with my life whatsoever or even the person who I was. I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years which to date has been the most painful thing I have ever gone through, and really made an effort to beef up my C.V. for graduate school. I moved out of home at 18 and have been supporting myself since but I think because I have a disability, I have been babied and not really encouraged to take responsibility for myself. This in turn promoted apathy and making excuses. I have been working at a dead end job after graduation, although I know there are other options if I worked hard to find them. If I don't get into school this year I will look for a new job and maybe even move to another city. I do hope I get into graduate school though, because I feel more ready than I ever have and it would really force me out of my comfort zone. I always lived with friends or with my boyfriend so I never really had that experience of being 100% responsible for myself. I hope if you get into school you will find this, too. 

[gr8pumpkin]

My parents put me through my undergrad.  They said no more, I'm on my own for grad school.  That's when I first felt like an actual adult.

[LittleDarlings]

I'm like super struggling with this. I feel like I just don't communicate in a mature way. I mean I can but it isn't my usual. I just want to be that super smart person who can like have super intelligent conversations. How the hell is grad school going to go? I mean I know I am unnecessarily freaking out but I am in a total panic.

[dstock]

You'll be fine.  You'll grow into it naturally as you spend more time in a professional environment.

 

If you want to work on easy small improvements, try dropping typical teenage-sounding words and mannerisms from your daily speech: "like", "anyways", "whatever", and the phrase "and stuff" are ones that come to mind for me. 

 

(this are just words I've noticed working with high school students and undergrads....but after I typed this I did notice you use "and stuff" a few posts up!)

[pears]

I'm like super struggling with this. I feel like I just don't communicate in a mature way. I mean I can but it isn't my usual. I just want to be that super smart person who can like have super intelligent conversations. How the hell is grad school going to go? I mean I know I am unnecessarily freaking out but I am in a total panic.

 

When it comes to conversations, it's all about the code-switching. I'm using that term in the popular sense, i.e., changing between registers, if you can call "academic-speak" a register.. I guess it could be considered style-switching, too, because it's just as much about where your mind is at as it is the people you're surrounded by. Anyway, the way I speak in class is very different from the way I speak to classmates in casual settings, & the way I speak to professors varies with respect to the setting as well as whom I'm speaking with. Your setting, your state of mind, & whom you're talking to or with should play a big role in how you speak & act. I know a lot of my classmates are the same way, & we have to laugh about it: mid-week, we're all scholarly & polite, talking about theory & philosophy, but come Friday, we're putting down beers & colorful language goes flying. So, in that sense, having an awareness of how your spoken language & body language should change from setting to setting &/or from person to person is really helpful. I learned how to navigate the differences through work experiences, mostly, & it's really come in handy in grad school so far.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

I'm like super struggling with this. I feel like I just don't communicate in a mature way. I mean I can but it isn't my usual. I just want to be that super smart person who can like have super intelligent conversations. How the hell is grad school going to go? I mean I know I am unnecessarily freaking out but I am in a total panic.

You can start by not saying things like, "I'm like super (insert verb-ing)." Let's see... Also, starting sentences with, "I mean." Phrases like, "be that super smart person who can have super intelligent conversations." And punctuation also goes a long way. And what do you mean by super smart and super intelligent conversations? Do you mean you want to have a deep knowledge of a certain academic field? Because most people who speak eloquently and deeply on a certain topic have studied (a few classes, an undergrad major, a grad degree) that field in college. You don't usually catch a group of physics students talking deeply on art history. People talk about what they know. They usually pick up a lot of the lingo and jargon in the classes they take/books they read. You can't expect to speak super intelligently on a topic if you've never bothered reading about it. It takes work to look smart. Same way it takes work to look fit. You can't sit in McDonald's, looking out the window, saying, "I wish I could have super flat abs and walk around looking super good like all these people." 

[themmases]

My job really matured me. I have a job duty where I go to kids' MRI appointments and ask their parents (who have never met me before) to add research images to the end of the exam. I do this for kids with congenital heart disease and kids with brain tumors. I am a very introverted person and I have probably done this over 400 times. The thing about getting consent in a care setting is, you must act out your personal and professional ethics by recognizing that you have power and demonstrating-- to strangers-- that you won't use it. And the rules are not like clinical rules, so I regularly say no to my clinician PI (i.e. unholy combination of boss and mentor).

 

Expertise can be a really powerful way to feel adult, but it's hard to appreciate the expertise you do have unless you're willing to use it as authority. It's not always pretty, but it did build self-reliance and self-respect that I acutely lacked as a student. I no longer assume I am wrong when someone else disagrees with me, or try to get people to like me without considering whether I like them. I'm not embarrassed that I haven't read every book or heard every band. And when I have to do something I don't know how to do, I pretend I'm at work.

 

I'm 26. I've been doing this work since I was 22 or 23, and had (and won) my first disagreement about this work with my PI when I was 24.

[LittleDarlings]

You can start by not saying things like, "I'm like super (insert verb-ing)." Let's see... Also, starting sentences with, "I mean." Phrases like, "be that super smart person who can have super intelligent conversations." And punctuation also goes a long way. And what do you mean by super smart and super intelligent conversations? Do you mean you want to have a deep knowledge of a certain academic field? Because most people who speak eloquently and deeply on a certain topic have studied (a few classes, an undergrad major, a grad degree) that field in college. You don't usually catch a group of physics students talking deeply on art history. People talk about what they know. They usually pick up a lot of the lingo and jargon in the classes they take/books they read. You can't expect to speak super intelligently on a topic if you've never bothered reading about it. It takes work to look smart. Same way it takes work to look fit. You can't sit in McDonald's, looking out the window, saying, "I wish I could have super flat abs and walk around looking super good like all these people."

I totally understand that. Lets not go into the whole punctuation thing. I think you have worn that out now:) anyways I get it. I mean I can talk to someone "intelligently" all day about criminal justice, and the state of our prison system. I just don't feel sure, I mean what if I go to grad school and I become friends with a group of people who want to discuss the history of slavery?! I mean I don't know anything about that. I just feel like it is going to be a totally different breed of people. I mean I have no idea what was going on when feminism came up in my one post. I try not to speak about things I don't know a lot about. I guess I am just not well versed, I can definitely try to become well versed. I just don't know what I would really be interested in being well versed on. Does that make sense? I am really riding life's struggle bus at the moment. Didn't mean to DV you btw Edited March 11, 2014 by LittleDarlings

[LittleDarlings]

My job really matured me. I have a job duty where I go to kids' MRI appointments and ask their parents (who have never met me before) to add research images to the end of the exam. I do this for kids with congenital heart disease and kids with brain tumors. I am a very introverted person and I have probably done this over 400 times. The thing about getting consent in a care setting is, you must act out your personal and professional ethics by recognizing that you have power and demonstrating-- to strangers-- that you won't use it. And the rules are not like clinical rules, so I regularly say no to my clinician PI (i.e. unholy combination of boss and mentor).

 

Expertise can be a really powerful way to feel adult, but it's hard to appreciate the expertise you do have unless you're willing to use it as authority. It's not always pretty, but it did build self-reliance and self-respect that I acutely lacked as a student. I no longer assume I am wrong when someone else disagrees with me, or try to get people to like me without considering whether I like them. I'm not embarrassed that I haven't read every book or heard every band. And when I have to do something I don't know how to do, I pretend I'm at work.

 

I'm 26. I've been doing this work since I was 22 or 23, and had (and won) my first disagreement about this work with my PI when I was 24.

I can't wait to get to this point. I'm still really unsure of everything I do and if someone criticizes me it's like being stabbed in the heart like it destroys me. I don't know if that's got to do with maturity or just being a weak person in general. I am definitely learning from working. I just take things really personally

[Eigen]

It's a large factor of life circumstances. 

 

I think a lot of my visible maturing came when my dad passed away, and I had to take over a large portion of the operations of our farm in addition to school, work out how to handle his estate, help my mom plan out the finances, etc. 

 

I'd been putting myself through school already, but that was a huge step in having to really take responsibility for things without a safety net. 

 

It really struck me when about 3 mos after he died, we had a major hurricane coming through. I'd prepared for hurricanes before, but never been solely responsible for getting a whole farm set up to weather one. 

 

To me the biggest consideration in how responsible for life you feel is the safety net you have for you. Even if you're out on your own, do you have a home you could move back to if everything fell apart? Or are you really on your own, and any mistakes you make you will have to deal with them with the resources you have?

[Lisa44201]

Feeling mature really hits the second time you are the only one who can make an important decision. Not the first time - the first time it's nerve-wracking, and you're too focused on whether you're making the right decision. The second time around, particularly if the decision the first time around ended up working out for you, it's easier.

[St Andrews Lynx]

I'm like super struggling with this. I feel like I just don't communicate in a mature way. I mean I can but it isn't my usual. I just want to be that super smart person who can like have super intelligent conversations. How the hell is grad school going to go? I mean I know I am unnecessarily freaking out but I am in a total panic.

 

Start with observing your coworkers. What is it about their communication style that makes it seem "mature"? I suspect their language is more direct, with fewer filler words ("like", "I mean"). 

 

If you talk anything like you write, I suspect you talk very fast and run all your sentences together! Don't be afraid to take a deep breath before you speak and slow...everything...down. If you pause before you speak, you give yourself time to map out what you're going to say in your head and it will come out in a more organised fashion. Instead of filling with "like", "I mean" or "y'know", pause for a microsecond. Once you've found the next word/sentence talk again. People aren't going to notice the gaps, and what you say will sound a lot more deliberate, clear and "mature". 

[themmases]

I can't wait to get to this point. I'm still really unsure of everything I do and if someone criticizes me it's like being stabbed in the heart like it destroys me. I don't know if that's got to do with maturity or just being a weak person in general. I am definitely learning from working. I just take things really personally

 

I know what you mean. I am guilty of being overly invested in my work and vulnerable when people disagree with me in that area.

 

Expertise can help a lot with this. When you know what you're doing with work, it's not uncommon to find that few people really understand what you do, they need your input, and you won't do them any favors by not mentioning when they're wrong. You can do the same thing in some grad programs by focusing on your area of interest and just not worrying about other people. People in your grad program probably don't want to be directly compared to you, any more than you do to them. No one should specialize so much that they can't explain their work to other people, but staying focused on your own interests can take a lot of pressure off of everybody.

 

Time helps. You can't learn your job or your field and know what other people need from you overnight, and even if you could most people aren't being constantly tested in this way every day.

[LotzaCoffee]

I'm a bit older than most of the posters on this thread (36), and just wrapping up my 2nd Masters degree while working full-time.  I suppose I was very fortunate, as that elusive independence happened in stages - graduating from undergrad, moving overseas, moving for in-state residency, then starting grad school almost 2 years later. 

 

It literally wasn't until my 30s though, along with several years in my field that I actually felt like I was "in my own skin", having this feeling of confidence in my professional abilities, being able to go head-to-head at a conference or in a paper with a colleague several years (or decades!) my senior without feeling self-conscious that "they were right, I must have gotten it wrong."  Now I can say, "Thank you for your comment, you raise an interesting point that deserves further consideration" and...well, I'm pretty sure I'm still right. 

[babycakes]

I feel like at 23 we're in social limbo (It's actually a line to a Blink182 song). You're not like irresponsible college student shit faced drunk on weeknights; they want you to have a job and your own place, but at the same time no one at works takes you that seriously because you're fresh meat. I am literally told everyday I look like a teenager by both teachers and students. And it's like... geez, thanks. 

 

And not like I was doing all of that crazy stuff as an undergrad, I was always ridiculously serious and responsible due to my circumstances (immigrant family, I pretty much wore the pants in the house). But I cannot seem to interact with adults that are 35+ in a manner that does not make me seem like a child. 

 

And when I speak to "adults" who are my colleagues I feel childish because they want to talk about their kids or their back pain and I'm like nopeeee. My only talking points is 1. I'm one hell of a baker, and 2. I am into working out / dieting so we can talk about spin class and calorie counting or something like that.

 

I might get over it soon; I'm slowly learning how to figure out how to stand on my own two feet about this and do realize it's a matter of self-confidence advocating your own agenda / brand instead of regressing and being apologetic. I get a lot less nervous talking to adults now than I did earlier, HOWEVER, I am in the education profession where people are much more nicer overall. HAHAHA 

Edited March 14, 2014 by babycakes

[Varangian]

I felt more like an adult when I lived overseas. I had no support system and I was just concerned with getting work/or more work, paying rent, buying food and everything that was left over I could do with what I wanted. For the first time I didn't have anyone telling me where I could go or when, what to do with my money, I had no school responsibilities and it became the most freeing kind of experience. Coming back home I feel less like a matured individual. I can't find a job, I hated my cohort in my master's program, I am perpetually without money, I can't pay my own bills and I have people asking me all the time where I'm going/what I'm doing/when I'm going to be back/reminding to me to x, y and z 50 times. I don't meet anyone my age because most of the friends I had have moved away, and I'm too broke to go out to bars/clubs/other activities. I still haven't felt the urge to want to get married or have kids, even though I'm at that age where it's happening a lot. 

 

But then I look at the 18 year olds and wonder how they can all be so stupid. I couldn't possibly have been that stupid. 

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

I feel like at 23 we're in social limbo (It's actually a line to a Blink182 song). You're not like irresponsible college student shit faced drunk on weeknights; they want you to have a job and your own place, but at the same time no one at works takes you that seriously because you're fresh meat. I am literally told everyday I look like a teenager by both teachers and students. And it's like... geez, thanks.  And not like I was doing all of that crazy stuff as an undergrad, I was always ridiculously serious and responsible due to my circumstances (immigrant family, I pretty much wore the pants in the house). But I cannot seem to interact with adults that are 35+ in a manner that does not make me seem like a child.  And when I speak to "adults" who are my colleagues I feel childish because they want to talk about their kids or their back pain and I'm like nopeeee. My only talking points is 1. I'm one hell of a baker, and 2. I am into working out / dieting so we can talk about spin class and calorie counting or something like that. I might get over it soon; I'm slowly learning how to figure out how to stand on my own two feet about this and do realize it's a matter of self-confidence advocating your own agenda / brand instead of regressing and being apologetic. I get a lot less nervous talking to adults now than I did earlier, HOWEVER, I am in the education profession where people are much more nicer overall. HAHAHA

Just hurt your back and you'll fit in.

[LittleDarlings]

I felt more like an adult when I lived overseas. I had no support system and I was just concerned with getting work/or more work, paying rent, buying food and everything that was left over I could do with what I wanted. For the first time I didn't have anyone telling me where I could go or when, what to do with my money, I had no school responsibilities and it became the most freeing kind of experience. Coming back home I feel less like a matured individual. I can't find a job, I hated my cohort in my master's program, I am perpetually without money, I can't pay my own bills and I have people asking me all the time where I'm going/what I'm doing/when I'm going to be back/reminding to me to x, y and z 50 times. I don't meet anyone my age because most of the friends I had have moved away, and I'm too broke to go out to bars/clubs/other activities. I still haven't felt the urge to want to get married or have kids, even though I'm at that age where it's happening a lot. 

 

But then I look at the 18 year olds and wonder how they can all be so stupid. I couldn't possibly have been that stupid.

Aww this makes me scared for grad school I hope my experience is a little better than that

[Torque]

When I met the right girl.  That was enough to get me motivated.

[LittleDarlings]

When I met the right girl.  That was enough to get me motivated.

Gee that didn't help me at all.. No offense

[i.am.me]

Well, OP - he wasn't helpful to you, but the comment sure was cute! I'm a bit older than some of the previous posters too. I look about...well I look 10 years younger than my actual age. Unfortunately, many of my peers actually think I am this young at first glance and are condescending. That is usually corrected once I put them in their place.  

 

I felt mature before entering grad school. Before reaching young adult age, I was already responsible...because I had to be. Between real young adult life and grad school...well, my life was put in danger by a close friend. In addition, I was almost a victim of sex trafficking in a foreign country. No one believed me, and no one helped me in my darkest days. I got over it, and I'm here now. In those years between the events and the beginning of grad school, I learned to forgive them and even hoped they could make better life decisions.

 

Just to be sure - I also feel that I have matured quite a bit since grad school. One doesn't have to live harrowing events to become mature - you just have to be honest and reflexive. 

Edited April 9, 2014 by i.am.me

[maelia8]

I'm not sure if we're talking more about emotional maturity or financial maturity here, but in any case, I really felt like I became more mature the first time I left home at 18. I deferred college for a year and went overseas to work as a nanny/farm worker. When I got there, I barely knew how to take care of myself and spoke barely half a dozen words of the language. By the end of six months I had reached intermediate language fluency, improved my driving skills, learned how to cook, clean a large house, take care of small children, harvest farm products, and take care of farm animals, as well as going out to a bar for the first time in my life with other young people (it was legal in this country at 18), making responsible choices about alcohol and sex, traveling alone to the nearest big city on a regular basis, and handling my own finances. It was really a push out of the nest for me, and I had to adjust pretty quickly, but by the time I got back, I felt years ahead of the other freshmen at my college who had just graduated high school a few months before. Sometimes it takes a really new situation to really push you into growing and changing, which can sometimes be painful, but is ultimately an important part of the process of growing up.

[LittleDarlings]

Well, OP - he wasn't helpful to you, but the comment sure was cute! I'm a bit older than some of the previous posters too. I look about...well I look 10 years younger than my actual age. Unfortunately, many of my peers actually think I am this young at first glance and are condescending. That is usually corrected once I put them in their place.  

 

I felt mature before entering grad school. Before reaching young adult age, I was already responsible...because I had to be. Between real young adult life and grad school...well, my life was put in danger by a close friend. In addition, I was almost a victim of sex trafficking in a foreign country. No one believed me, and no one helped me in my darkest days. I got over it, and I'm here now. In those years between the events and the beginning of grad school, I learned to forgive them and even hoped they could make better life decisions.

 

Just to be sure - I also feel that I have matured quite a bit since grad school. One doesn't have to live harrowing events to become mature - you just have to be honest and reflexive.

It was cute... Not super helpful in my empty single life but hey... Cute for him and his gf I guess. Anyways human trafficking? That's intense. It happened while you were out of the country or was it because of the friend you mentioned? That's so scary!! I feel like I am slowly maturing...Maybe lol. It isn't happening as fast as I thought it would be though.

[LittleDarlings]

I'm not sure if we're talking more about emotional maturity or financial maturity here, but in any case, I really felt like I became more mature the first time I left home at 18. I deferred college for a year and went overseas to work as a nanny/farm worker. When I got there, I barely knew how to take care of myself and spoke barely half a dozen words of the language. By the end of six months I had reached intermediate language fluency, improved my driving skills, learned how to cook, clean a large house, take care of small children, harvest farm products, and take care of farm animals, as well as going out to a bar for the first time in my life with other young people (it was legal in this country at 18), making responsible choices about alcohol and sex, traveling alone to the nearest big city on a regular basis, and handling my own finances. It was really a push out of the nest for me, and I had to adjust pretty quickly, but by the time I got back, I felt years ahead of the other freshmen at my college who had just graduated high school a few months before. Sometimes it takes a really new situation to really push you into growing and changing, which can sometimes be painful, but is ultimately an important part of the process of growing up.

I think grad school will be my big change that helps me mature. My friend and I might live together and she works I will be in school we will party on weekends and meet guys I just feel behind like I didn't have these experiences earlier because I like live at home. I don't want to end up 25 still at home with no life experience lol

[victorydance]

Probably about when I hit 22. I had spent the years from 18-20 saving up a lot of money. I knew I wanted to get out of my home city and away from my family and be on my own. I had just finished my associate of arts at a community college at 22 and was ready to move to university. I applied to a school across the country for the next year and then took off and lived in Colombia and Brazil for a year. Got into the university and moved there and continued to put myself through college. I had so much money saved up that I spent my summers in Latin America and still have money to spare and now live in Mexico City. 

 

I think the big difference was for me was that I had already spent my late teens and early 20s partying, clowning around, ect. By the time I hit university I was beyond all of that. My new friends and room mate were going out all the time during school, but I just worked my ass off. I went from a very underdeveloped academically person at a very top end school for my country to one of the top students of my class and involved with research as an undergrad. I had lived abroad on my own and had survived a significant injury at work that left me permanently disabled. I was a lot of more emotionally mature (and just plain older) than the vast majority of other students at my university.  

 

Basically, I have been around the block experience wise plus acquired a solid education by the time I was 25. I have lived in Latin America for I think 3 years in total now. For most people, it's either one or the other. I have been lucky, but it has also been possible through planning, sacrifice, and hard work.

 

I think the whole going straight to undergrad and being spit out of the college system at 22 while being on the parent's dime is probably one of the stupidest trends of today's society. No kidding young people have the lowest unemployment despite having solid educational backgrounds, because we are breeding a bunch of emotionally immature, low life experience, deer-in-the-headlights young professionals.