Funny English Stories

[engphiledu]

In light of the depressing application year, how about we gather around the campfire to hear some good ole stories?

Here's one that my professor told me, though I'm not sure how well it will translate to text. 

My professor (I shall call him John) was sitting in one of his first M.A. classes, eager and ready to learn, surrounded by like-minded, eager individuals. The class covered 17th and 18th century British literature, and the professor gave off the air of being a generally calm, collected individual who likely still enjoyed reading by candlelight.

 

Just as the professor handed out the syllabus and began to go over the reading selections for the course, a Chinese student threw open the doors and, having stopped in the doorway,  looked up at the professor with pleading eyes. Breathless and in a heavy accent, he managed to ask, "Um, excuse me. Excuse me. Is this where we read the Awakening?"

 

The professor, puzzled, responded, "No, this is a British literature class. We won't read Kate Chopin in here."

 

The Chinese student responded, "No Awakening? Oh, ok.Thank you," and took a seat. Still perplexed, the professor went on explaining the syllabus and handed the Kate Chopin fan a copy.

Approximately five minutes later, the same student raised his hand, the syllabus clasped in his other hand, and asked, "Um, excuse me. But, we read the Awakening in this class?"

The professor with patience more vast than the Pacific Ocean responded, "No, this is a British literature class. The Awakening is an American novel."

"Oh, ok. Thank you," the student responded.

Again, after another five minutes of what must have been agony for the Kate Chopin fan, he raised his hand and asked, "Um, excuse me. We read the Awakening in this class?"

Finally, the Pacific Ocean had run dry. The professor, with all of the constraint he could muster, responded, "Kate Chopin is an American author from the 20th century. This class will only cover British authors from the 17th and 18th centuries. We will not read the Awakening in this class." 

 

Although not an event of deja vu, the student responded, "Oh, ok. Thank you."

The class went on without any further interruptions until, approximately ten minutes into lecture, John, my professor, relates that he heard the most dire, depressing sound he had ever heard emitting from a human being coming from the direction of the young Chinese student. 

He recalls that, with all of the pain and misery ever experienced through this young man's ancestry, centuries upon centuries, since ancient China, the student released the most agonizing moan he had ever heard, collected his things, and exited the classroom.

My professor still wonders to this day if that young student ever found his paradise among the 20th century American literature classes.

[iExcelAtMicrosoftPuns]

Thanks for sharing this.

I've got some stories (not so much English) to share.

[Kamisha]

Speaking of Kate Chopin and funny stories...

 

In a British Literature survey course I took as an undergraduate, we read “The Storm.” For those of you haven’t, there is a scene during the storm where two characters get to know each other....you know, biblically. I live in a very religiously conservative area and one student didn’t understand that it was a sex scene, so he raised his hand for clarification as to what was going on. The professor went a rather fantastic shade of red and told the student that the pair were “vigorously enjoying each other’s company.” 

 

This is how my friends and I now refer to sex...vigorously enjoying each other’s company.

[Appletto]

In light of the depressing application year, how about we gather around the campfire to hear some good ole stories?

Here's one that my professor told me, though I'm not sure how well it will translate to text. 

My professor (I shall call him John) was sitting in one of his first M.A. classes, eager and ready to learn, surrounded by like-minded, eager individuals. The class covered 17th and 18th century British literature, and the professor gave off the air of being a generally calm, collected individual who likely still enjoyed reading by candlelight.

 

Just as the professor handed out the syllabus and began to go over the reading selections for the course, a Chinese student threw open the doors and, having stopped in the doorway,  looked up at the professor with pleading eyes. Breathless and in a heavy accent, he managed to ask, "Um, excuse me. Excuse me. Is this where we read the Awakening?"

 

The professor, puzzled, responded, "No, this is a British literature class. We won't read Kate Chopin in here."

 

The Chinese student responded, "No Awakening? Oh, ok.Thank you," and took a seat. Still perplexed, the professor went on explaining the syllabus and handed the Kate Chopin fan a copy.

Approximately five minutes later, the same student raised his hand, the syllabus clasped in his other hand, and asked, "Um, excuse me. But, we read the Awakening in this class?"

The professor with patience more vast than the Pacific Ocean responded, "No, this is a British literature class. The Awakening is an American novel."

"Oh, ok. Thank you," the student responded.

Again, after another five minutes of what must have been agony for the Kate Chopin fan, he raised his hand and asked, "Um, excuse me. We read the Awakening in this class?"

Finally, the Pacific Ocean had run dry. The professor, with all of the constraint he could muster, responded, "Kate Chopin is an American author from the 20th century. This class will only cover British authors from the 17th and 18th centuries. We will not read the Awakening in this class." 

 

Although not an event of deja vu, the student responded, "Oh, ok. Thank you."

The class went on without any further interruptions until, approximately ten minutes into lecture, John, my professor, relates that he heard the most dire, depressing sound he had ever heard emitting from a human being coming from the direction of the young Chinese student. 

He recalls that, with all of the pain and misery ever experienced through this young man's ancestry, centuries upon centuries, since ancient China, the student released the most agonizing moan he had ever heard, collected his things, and exited the classroom.

My professor still wonders to this day if that young student ever found his paradise among the 20th century American literature classes.

Being Chinese myself, I am not sure if I am supposed to laugh, but it is funny.

[Katia_chan]

God so many good English stories, though the kic-off one is absolutely fantastic, and not sure if I can top that one.

 

...I do medieval, so most of my stories are smut-centric.  I had a Chaucer class where our professor just gloried in making everyone uncomfortable.

 

One of my favorites though, was when we were discussing belle chose, and other euphhamisms for the female anatomy, and she, in her glory, turns to a kid and asks "so, first reactions, what do you thin of the vagina in the context of this story."

 

He turned very, very red, and said that it was a "horrifying abyss."  I'm pretty sure the rest of us almost wet our pants.  To his credit, he spoke up in a class of 12 where he was the only other dude.

 

Same class she told us that "you know that thing, where someone says they want to die by being stepped on by an elephant while having sex?  That's how I want to go."

 

...I had the misfortune to have her husband teaching my theory class that same semester.  Never was able to look at them the same way again.

[engphiledu]

Being Chinese myself, I am not sure if I am supposed to laugh, but it is funny.

 

It just happened to be a Chinese student. It could have been anyone else, but I felt the need to include that it was a Chinese student for the sake of my professor's line about all the great centuries of China lending to that agonized moan. lol It could have been an American student, but we don't have ancient history, so our expression of regret is only half as magnificent.

I've been laughing at all of these. It's funny to see just what kinds of stories stick with us, and how a simple discussion about literature can turn into a discussion about "vigorously enjoying one another's company." (LOVE IT Kamisha!)

I have a professor who happens to be dyslexic. He also happens to be an eccentric, leaning on the more conservative, Episcopalian. I don't even know what word he was trying to write on the board during one of our lectures, but he happened to accidentally write the C-word. When a student pointed it out, I could see all life drain from his eyes. 

This is the same professor who had to explain sodomy related to Marlowe's Edward II. I feel for those professors who get embarrassed about having to explain these types of things to undergraduates, but then there are two types of professors, aren't there?

"The serpent in John Keats' poem, Lamia, is a phallic symbol." 

"The serpent in John Keats' poem, Lamia, is a gigantic penis."

 

Actually, there may be three types of professors. . . 

*slithers around the classroom while creepily chanting "LAMIA"*

That third one was my first undergraduate English experience. 

[Eternal Optimist]

This is a fantastic idea! Love all the funny English stories here.

In my previous university there was this one professor who was pretty pathetic. To this day, I wonder how he ended up completing his MPhil. Thankfully, I never had the misfortune of taking his classes. This is something I heard from one of his students.

Some first year student in his class had asked him the difference between sex and gender. His answer was, 'Gender is what you are and Sex is what you enjoy'.

Edited March 15, 2014 by Eternal Optimist

[Appletto]

It just happened to be a Chinese student. It could have been anyone else, but I felt the need to include that it was a Chinese student for the sake of my professor's line about all the great centuries of China lending to that agonized moan. lol It could have been an American student, but we don't have ancient history, so our expression of regret is only half as magnificent.

 

 

It's cool. No offense taken. I am in general very insensitive to racial issues.

[Appletto]

This is a fantastic idea! Love all the funny English stories here.

In my previous university there was this one professor who was pretty pathetic. To this day, I wonder how he ended up completing his MPhil. Thankfully, I never had the misfortune of taking his classes. This is something I heard from one of his students.

Some first year student in his class had asked him the difference between sex and gender. His answer was, 'Gender is what you are and Sex is what you enjoy'.

Just wondering, why is he pathetic? Is it because of his answer to the student's question? I actually find it witty...Maybe it's me..LOL..

[Eternal Optimist]

He had no knowledge of the subject he taught. He was bad teacher. You would gain nothing out of his classes. I have heard that it's a torture to sit through his classes.

[perrykm2]

i don't think that is funny at all.

 

me love kate chopin long time. get it. it's a joke. (eyerolls)

[DyslexicBibliophile]

The woman who teaches Shakespeare and American Lit. (I know, weird combination) at my college is one of those blunt, tell-it-like-it-is, kind of people. She once told my class that she didn’t cry at her wedding, or when her children were born, and that the only thing that does make her cry is grading students’ papers, which she then described as “a soul crushing experience.”

 

Last year she was on the committee hiring a World Literature professor, and was explaining how competitive the field of academia has gotten. To illustrate this point, she described how our little campus (2,000 students total, I hadn’t even heard of this college before I applied, and I lived within 10 minutes of it most of my life) received more than 500 applications for the position. She then went on to explain why one of the strongest applicants, who had multiple degrees from Oxford, was immediately eliminated – “two weeks with you guys and he would have shot himself.”

 

In one particular class we were discussing Poe’s “The Black Cat” and how cats are often associated with femininity. We were going through all the ways the cat and the wife could be interconnected, and were debating all the different moments the cat was either real or imagined/symbolic, when she ends the discussion by saying, with total composure and absolute calmness – “no matter how you look at it, the story is about murdering pussy.”