Friends?

[MakeYourself]

Anyone else find that their social life has gone down the shitter since they started grad school? When I got accepted into my program, I was very adament about trying to keep a non-academic friend circle while in grad school because I didn't want my whole life to be consumed by academia. Well, that didn't work, I actually find it very difficult to have non-academic friends. I don't know how to put this without sounding pretentious, so forgive me if this comes across as arrogant, but I just find that once you get to a certain intellectual level or way of thinking, talking to lay people is extremely difficult. And I'm not proud of the fact that I'm 'more intellectual' or anything, but I just find it so difficult to keep in touch with old friends. Having conversations with them is hard... we have nothing in common... and well, people say dumb shit, and I feel like I constantly have to hold myself back from correcting people in their ignorance.

 

So you might ask "why don't you just make friends with other grad students?" I really really cannot stand other grad students. There are some that I can tolerate, and a few that I can call my 'friends', but for the most part, I find this demographic to be insanely intolerable (myself included).

 

Now that I've put it all out there and made myself sound like a pretentious douche (at least I'm being honest), does anyone else have this experience? Or anyone have a completely opposite experience? 

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Not to sound like a dick face, but you do sound like a pretentious douche. I was fortunate enough to have established a non-academic friend base in undergrad before starting college since I moved to the area (Miami) a year before starting school. I learned that, the farther I went in school, the more I appreciated my old friends. Some of the deepest conversations I've had since being in college were with "lay people." Lots of academics I knew didn't have much common sense. Their idea of "correcting" someone who was "wrong" was quoting some book and giving a date and author's name. I'm more impressed when someone is able to explain a deep concept in layman's terms. I always felt like I didn't truly understand a concept until I was able to explain it to my non-academic friends and have deep conversations about it over beers. There are extremely intelligent people out there who never got the proper education. They might not speak using the latest technical jargon, but they can comprehend and theorize high-level shit as well as any academics I know. Perhaps you don't really know how to talk to "normal" people. I don't know anything about you, but maybe you were someone who was always in school and was only ever friends with people who were also always in school. Maybe your real world experience is lacking. 

 

Sometimes academics are a pain in the ass to talk to. Early in my college career I became interested in poetry. It was more of something I did for fun (though I did take classes in it), since my true academic passion was linguistics and computer science. But, nonetheless, I started taking poetry classes whenever I had a free slot on my schedule. I wrote so much in a short period of time that I put together a little poetry book. Anyway, I realized that some of my greatest stuff was when I was just getting started. It just come out so natural and smooth. Then I started taking more and more classes and learning all the classic poets and the technical forms. My poems started to kinda suck. So I would take workshop classes and I would occasionally throw in one of my old poems, and the class ate that shit up. They loved it. They couldn't really put their finger on it but they loved it. I guess my point is, once I started to sound like and think like a poet, I knew I needed to quit poetry because I knew it was all downhill from there. 

Edited May 18, 2014 by Gnome Chomsky

[MakeYourself]

You dont sound like a dickface, Gnome, I know I sound like that, and I'm not happy about sounding like that. I do think that part of the problem is that when you enter grad school you forger how to talk to normal people. I felt the same way that you did up until I finished my honours and entered my Masters program. None of my friends actually went to post-secondary school, I was the only one, and all throughout undergrad I had no problem keeping my friends, and thats why I thought it would stay the same in grad school, but things changed. If I remember correctly from your previous posts, you are jusyt starting your program in Sept. right? I wonder if things will still stay the same for you.

And I agree with you on the point that academics suck to talk to (as I mentioned in my post I can't tolerate most of them). My problem isn't so much that all the normal people dont 'get' me, its more so that I feel like grad school has changed me. And I have turned into one of those intolerable people.

Edited May 18, 2014 by MakeYourself

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Yeah, I'll be starting a MS program in September. I'm not too worried about meeting people. For one, I'm not entirely social. I'm definitely not socially awkward, but I just prefer to be left alone. I have to admit that when I started taking computer science classes the last year and a half of my undergrad, I was surprised by how socially awkward 95% of the students were. And the only "cool" people were doing horribly in the classes. I was actually lucky enough to make friends with a non-nerdy guy who also knew his shit. But, like I said earlier, I had my non-academic friends to hang out with outside of school. Surprisingly, in six years of undergrad, I never really had any college friends. I was friendly with people but I always hung out with people I met before college. Another thing (but not incredibly healthy) is I became a regular at a local dive bar, and I met a lot of people there. But I admit, they weren't much to talk to. I reserved my deep conversations for my friends I met before college. But I'm not really worried about meeting people in grad school. I like to go to bars by myself and I've always had an easy time meeting people in places like that. I also wander the streets aimlessly in the wee hours of the weekend mornings. A lot of interesting stuff happens at 2 am on a shady street corner. But in the end, I'd be a loner before I became "one of them." I just couldn't picture myself talking and thinking like an academic. I'd rather just go to class, do my thing, and go home. I'll definitely make an effort to go to academic social events (I've been getting a lot of emails about events), but once I feel like those people can't have a regular conversation, I'll find another way to occupy my free time. Speaking of free time, I prefer solitary. It's hard enough making time for the gym, TV, meditation, porn and a minor alcohol problem. Who has time for friends? 

Edited May 18, 2014 by Gnome Chomsky

[MakeYourself]

Yeah, I'll be starting a MS program in September. I'm not too worried about meeting people. For one, I'm not entirely social. I'm definitely not socially awkward, but I just prefer to be left alone. I have to admit that when I started taking computer science classes the last year and a half of my undergrad, I was surprised by how socially awkward 95% of the students were. And the only "cool" people were doing horribly in the classes. I was actually lucky enough to make friends with a non-nerdy guy who also knew his shit. But, like I said earlier, I had my non-academic friends to hang out with outside of school. Surprisingly, in six years of undergrad, I never really had any college friends. I was friendly with people but I always hung out with people I met before college. Another thing (but not incredibly healthy) is I became a regular at a local dive bar, and I met a lot of people there. But I admit, they weren't much to talk to. I reserved my deep conversations for my friends I met before college. But I'm not really worried about meeting people in grad school. I like to go to bars by myself and I've always had an easy time meeting people in places like that. I also wander the streets aimlessly in the wee hours of the weekend mornings. A lot of interesting stuff happens at 2 am on a shady street corner. But in the end, I'd be a loner before I became "one of them." I just couldn't picture myself talking and thinking like an academic. I'd rather just go to class, do my thing, and go home. I'll definitely make an effort to go to academic social events (I've been getting a lot of emails about events), but once I feel like those people can't have a regular conversation, I'll find another way to occupy my free time. Speaking of free time, I prefer solitary. It's hard enough making time for the gym, TV, meditation, porn and a minor alcohol problem. Who has time for friends?

I do feel you on the solitary thing, I do tend to be a loner, but I dont enjoy being alone all of the time, lately I just feel like there is no one to talk to. I dont think I'm as brave as you to start talking to random strangers either.

[bsharpe269]

I can relate and I get what you mean about feeling like a dick because of it.

 

For example, I have realized that I have NOTHING to talk to my sister in law about. She is a sweet person and has a masters in education and is a teacher. She is a great person but put us in a room and I don't know what to say to her. I am not like this with everyone but definitely some people. The people that I still get along with are the ones that even though they arent in academia, are interested in learning and like to debate or travel or just gain interesting knowedge. My old college roommate is like this. She works in publishing but is intelligent and we have fun conversations. She explains the world of writing and publishing and living in a huge city and I explain science. I think the difference between her and lots of other people is that I actually find her interesting. She has knowedge and experiences that I respect. My sister in law on the other hand is a wonderful person but never wants to do things that I consider fun (like travel abroad or read classic books or learn science) so I cant learn anything from conversations with her. I just feel bored about whatever we talk about...

 

I think there is definitely a change during grad school that wasnt there during undergrad. During undergrad, I think that I had time to be more well rounded. Now, I find myself having to study/research from the time I wake up until I go to bed many days, including some weekends. Basically my entire world is science right now which I LOVE but makes it hard for me to talk about anything but science since I basically am doing nothing else... I do love talking to academics though! My professors are some of the more interesting people I have ever met and I get excited to get them to myself during office hours or in the hall. I feel like whenever we talk, they basically just dump all of this knowedge onto me which is great. Why do you find it difficult to talk to other academics?

[MakeYourself]

I can relate and I get what you mean about feeling like a dick because of it.

 

For example, I have realized that I have NOTHING to talk to my sister in law about. She is a sweet person and has a masters in education and is a teacher. She is a great person but put us in a room and I don't know what to say to her. I am not like this with everyone but definitely some people. The people that I still get along with are the ones that even though they arent in academia, are interested in learning and like to debate or travel or just gain interesting knowedge. My old college roommate is like this. She works in publishing but is intelligent and we have fun conversations. She explains the world of writing and publishing and living in a huge city and I explain science. I think the difference between her and lots of other people is that I actually find her interesting. She has knowedge and experiences that I respect. My sister in law on the other hand is a wonderful person but never wants to do things that I consider fun (like travel abroad or read classic books or learn science) so I cant learn anything from conversations with her. I just feel bored about whatever we talk about...

 

I think there is definitely a change during grad school that wasnt there during undergrad. During undergrad, I think that I had time to be more well rounded. Now, I find myself having to study/research from the time I wake up until I go to bed many days, including some weekends. Basically my entire world is science right now which I LOVE but makes it hard for me to talk about anything but science since I basically am doing nothing else... I do love talking to academics though! My professors are some of the more interesting people I have ever met and I get excited to get them to myself during office hours or in the hall. I feel like whenever we talk, they basically just dump all of this knowedge onto me which is great. Why do you find it difficult to talk to other academics?

 

I definitely relate.

 

I do have an easier time talking to professors than to fellow grad students. I do love talking to my supervisors and I enjoy taking seminar courses with profs and learning from them. For me, it's mainly other grad students. There are probably multiple reasons why I feel like I don't get along with most of them. One of them is that my program is very 'cliquey' and I have never been a 'cliquey' type of person so I tend to feel like I don't fit in with them. Another reason is that I find them to be very closed-minded in the sense that they tend to be VERY out of touch with the real world. Isn't this funny that this is a reason why I can't get along with them, yet I can't even get along with people in the real world? I guess I want the best of both worlds.. I want to be friends with people who aren't consumed by academia because I want to be able to talk about 'real people' things, but at the same time I find it hard to talk to 'real people' because I have become so consumed by academia. Quite the conundrum.

[Eigen]

I'd suggest trying to meet grad students outside of your program. 

 

I find it's a great opportunity to learn new things, and they tend to be less directly involved in your day, so it keeps things fresh. 

 

A lot of my closer friends are graduate students in other programs. 

 

I don't have as many non-academic friends as I used to, but I do have friends that I've met around the city, or who are professionals working at the school (staff, etc.), as well as significant others/spouses of my academic friends. 

 

One of the great things about an academic life is the interesting community you're a part of- one that has a tendency to be a bit set apart from the rest of the city it finds itself in. You can take advantage of that. 

 

Also, I wouldn't necessarily look at people as "academics" or "part of the real world"- it seems like typing and segregating people into categories is holding you back. 

 

I have friends that are academics, but that I've met through other activities, out at a bar, etc.

[juilletmercredi]

My social life has actually become a lot better in grad school than before.  My first two years I only had other grad student friends, because that's just where I happened to meet most friends.  After that, more of my friends began graduating and I started participating in the community more, so I made more working professional friends.  I love it.  I hate talking about grad school on my off-time when I'm socializing, and I find that some other grad students (especially doctoral students) love to either complain about grad school work or have philosophical discussions about research/our field.  I want to talk about stupid stuff like Solange beating up Jay-Z, or not-stupid non-work stuff like...I don't know, the missing Malaysian plane or whatever.

I don't know how to put this without sounding pretentious, so forgive me if this comes across as arrogant, but I just find that once you get to a certain intellectual level or way of thinking, talking to lay people is extremely difficult.

I don't think this is true at all, for a variety of reasons - and forgive me, but I think if a person has this problem it's one on their end, not others.

I'm a very intelligent person - and my friends know it.  They call me Google.  I think most grad students are on some level very intellectual, and I'm used to becoming/gaining the reputation as the intellectual amongst my friends.  (And my friends are no slouches.)  But it happens slowly, in shades.  Why?  Because I don't want to have an intellectual conversation every time I'm hanging out, and to be honest, it really irritates me when people do.  My husband is also an intellectual and so sometimes we do have philosophical conversations at home, but we are just as likely to argue about whether Superman would beat Batman in a fight (he totally wouldn't).  Who cares if people say dumb shit?  I mean, if it's prejudiced or bigoted stuff then yes, call them out, but dumb shit is entertaining sometimes.  I find it incredibly relaxing to not always have to exercise my brain in the very, very taxing way that grad school makes me think and to just chill out.

At our core, graduate students are just regular people like everyone else.  We have interests other than our work, and sometimes we like to just shoot the shit.  Sometimes I just need to get AWAY from grad school.

...but now that I am reading other people's comments, I think I may have a better handle on what you mean.  There's a difference between friends who aren't as highly educated as you - but are still intelligent, curious people - and people who just...don't care about learning or intelligence.  I have a cousin who's like a sister to me, and I love to be with her, but sometimes I don't know what to say to her because we don't share a whole lot in common - few overlapping interests and she doesn't have any intellectual curiosity (and will openly, proudly admit it).  So I think the trick is to find friends who are non-grad students but still smart, curious people - or who share other interests of yours.  There are plenty of people like that in the world of all stripes.  My husband's working on his bachelor's right now but he is still one of the smartest people I know.

I agree with Eigen's advice.  Most of my current friends are people I met who were grad students outside of my own program (and have now graduated).  It means that I know people in a lot of fields, and it's cool.  I also think you grow out of them "I'm so immersed in science that I talk about it all day!" after you finish coursework.  After I finished my exams, although I still loved my field and wanted to work in it I became very good at compartmentalizing, because I think I'd stick a fork in my eyes if I had to talk about science ALL DAY LONG.  I actually used my dissertation years to reconnect with friends, start an exercise program and rediscover some other interests.  It's why I decided to take an extra year of school, so I could move more slowly and enjoy it more rather than stressing myself out completely and becoming miserable.

[MakeYourself]

 

My social life has actually become a lot better in grad school than before.  My first two years I only had other grad student friends, because that's just where I happened to meet most friends.  After that, more of my friends began graduating and I started participating in the community more, so I made more working professional friends.  I love it.  I hate talking about grad school on my off-time when I'm socializing, and I find that some other grad students (especially doctoral students) love to either complain about grad school work or have philosophical discussions about research/our field.  I want to talk about stupid stuff like Solange beating up Jay-Z, or not-stupid non-work stuff like...I don't know, the missing Malaysian plane or whatever.

 

 

I don't think this is true at all, for a variety of reasons - and forgive me, but I think if a person has this problem it's one on their end, not others.

I'm a very intelligent person - and my friends know it.  They call me Google.  I think most grad students are on some level very intellectual, and I'm used to becoming/gaining the reputation as the intellectual amongst my friends.  (And my friends are no slouches.)  But it happens slowly, in shades.  Why?  Because I don't want to have an intellectual conversation every time I'm hanging out, and to be honest, it really irritates me when people do.  My husband is also an intellectual and so sometimes we do have philosophical conversations at home, but we are just as likely to argue about whether Superman would beat Batman in a fight (he totally wouldn't).  Who cares if people say dumb shit?  I mean, if it's prejudiced or bigoted stuff then yes, call them out, but dumb shit is entertaining sometimes.  I find it incredibly relaxing to not always have to exercise my brain in the very, very taxing way that grad school makes me think and to just chill out.

At our core, graduate students are just regular people like everyone else.  We have interests other than our work, and sometimes we like to just shoot the shit.  Sometimes I just need to get AWAY from grad school.

...but now that I am reading other people's comments, I think I may have a better handle on what you mean.  There's a difference between friends who aren't as highly educated as you - but are still intelligent, curious people - and people who just...don't care about learning or intelligence.  I have a cousin who's like a sister to me, and I love to be with her, but sometimes I don't know what to say to her because we don't share a whole lot in common - few overlapping interests and she doesn't have any intellectual curiosity (and will openly, proudly admit it).  So I think the trick is to find friends who are non-grad students but still smart, curious people - or who share other interests of yours.  There are plenty of people like that in the world of all stripes.  My husband's working on his bachelor's right now but he is still one of the smartest people I know.

I agree with Eigen's advice.  Most of my current friends are people I met who were grad students outside of my own program (and have now graduated).  It means that I know people in a lot of fields, and it's cool.  I also think you grow out of them "I'm so immersed in science that I talk about it all day!" after you finish coursework.  After I finished my exams, although I still loved my field and wanted to work in it I became very good at compartmentalizing, because I think I'd stick a fork in my eyes if I had to talk about science ALL DAY LONG.  I actually used my dissertation years to reconnect with friends, start an exercise program and rediscover some other interests.  It's why I decided to take an extra year of school, so I could move more slowly and enjoy it more rather than stressing myself out completely and becoming miserable.

 

 

This was a really helpful post - made me think of things in a different light, thanks a lot.

Do you guys have any suggestions for how to meet grad students in other programs? Keeping in mind that I'm quite shy when it comes to meeting new people?

[FestivusMiracle]

I think I can at least partially relate to your situation. I only know grad students in my school's city, and I feel like I could not be more different from them. I also feel like hanging out with them has made me worse-off as a human being, because gossiping about other grad students is pretty much the only conversation not related to classwork.

Then I come home and I kinda feel like I'm losing touch with all my hometown / undergrad friends.

For me, I think the solution is leaving grad school a year early (I'm in a master's program) and joining the real world (AKA job). I'm a big believer in knowing when to quit, and this seems to be one of those times.

[MakeYourself]

 

I also feel like hanging out with them has made me worse-off as a human being, because gossiping about other grad students is pretty much the only conversation not related to classwork.

 

Ain't this the truth.

[victorydance]

I keep my life segregated. I don't want to have philosophical conversations when I am not engaged in something in my field. I actually don't even like intense conversations or debates. I don't consider myself that smart, nor do I expect other people to view me that way. Yeah I can talk circles around any average person about political parties and Latin American politics, but that hardly ever comes up, and I like it that way. 

 

My girlfriend is not an intellectual, neither are her family members. No one in my immediate family even graduated high school. The vast majority of my friends either didn't attend university or graduate school. 

 

In my opinion, friends are always disposable. This becomes more pronounced as you age and get involved in whatever pursuits you follow. Friends are easy to find. Friends exist for one reason, to meet a demand or need (of course, this is usually both ways). You have something in common? You share it. I have foodie friends where I go out to dinner or cook with. I have friends who like to play a certain sport that I do. This to me, is what friends are for. Other people rely on friends more for a emotional support network. I don't, I try to take care of my own shit. They are like a commodity, they can be traded or discarded if they are not worth as much to you anymore. 

 

This may make me an 'disloyal' friend, but I am honest about it. And quite frankly, I move around a lot so it's not like it's even plausible for me to keep the one's I collect in a certain place.

 

So I guess what I am trying to say is that friends aren't that important to me. They serve a temporary purpose, a fairly important one, but nonetheless disposable. But I think I learnt a lesson with regard to friends that makes it easier for me to relate to them. I don't have to like every component of someone to be friends with them. Everyone has faults and things that unattractive, as I do, but instead of trying to overcome these things I just look for some common ground and exploit that into a two-way relationship. If there isn't anything, then whatever. 

[FestivusMiracle]

Oh and I also find myself constantly annoyed at stupid shit people say. I think there are basically 2 types of stupid people: nice, naive stupid people, and racist, bigoted stupid people.

Avoid the second type at all costs, even if you have been friends since childhood. But the first type you just have to have a sense of humor about when they say dumb things, and don't get too worked up over it. I have a lot of friends who i would consider to be of the first type, and my life would be much worse if I chose to abandon them because they aren't very smart. Just do your best to find stuff you have in common, and try to avoid fruitless arguments. Being friends with all different types of people should help you maintain perspective and avoid becoming a pompous jackass like some professors I know...

[Scarf in the wind]

I guess I'm a little different. I don't have a social life. I mean, at all. In college, I was friends with very few people, and only 1 person out of the few was someone I hung out with outside of school. We became best friends, but then He moved away for med school. Outside of college, I have had a hard time making friends. It's hard for me to make friends for one because I don't have anything to talk to people about. Most of the people I interact with have no interest in politics, world affairs, or research. They're more interested in trivial stuff like movies which, don't get me wrong, is great but it's hard to talk about something that's not stimulatiing for me, and it's hard to talk about the same things, especially considering I'm losing interest in things I once enjoyed. Gnome Chomsky, unlike your experiences, I get blank faces, complete disinterest, and typical PR speak when attempting to discuss matters I find interesting (with the exception of 1 friend). This is outside of academia. However, inside academia, I had individuals I could debate with. My favorite professor was someone who was outside of my department of interest precisely because he allowed debating and challenged me. Even years after graduating, I can still debate and discuss with Him. While working in school as a research assistant, I found people I could converse with, share ideas with, ponder avenues we could take with our research, and share laughs with. I try to make friends with people in the real world (Elgen, I know) but it never works. But if I talk to a former coworker/colleague, I can cogitate with a smile on my face.

 

The short of it is, unlike MakeYourself, I'm going into graduate school having not had a social life in years. I look forward to returning to academia and welcome the social life it may possibly bring me.

[MakeYourself]

I guess I'm a little different. I don't have a social life. I mean, at all. In college, I was friends with very few people, and only 1 person out of the few was someone I hung out with outside of school. We became best friends, but then He moved away for med school. Outside of college, I have had a hard time making friends. It's hard for me to make friends for one because I don't have anything to talk to people about. Most of the people I interact with have no interest in politics, world affairs, or research. They're more interested in trivial stuff like movies which, don't get me wrong, is great but it's hard to talk about something that's not stimulatiing for me, and it's hard to talk about the same things, especially considering I'm losing interest in things I once enjoyed. Gnome Chomsky, unlike your experiences, I get blank faces, complete disinterest, and typical PR speak when attempting to discuss matters I find interesting (with the exception of 1 friend). This is outside of academia. However, inside academia, I had individuals I could debate with. My favorite professor was someone who was outside of my department of interest precisely because he allowed debating and challenged me. Even years after graduating, I can still debate and discuss with Him. While working in school as a research assistant, I found people I could converse with, share ideas with, ponder avenues we could take with our research, and share laughs with. I try to make friends with people in the real world (Elgen, I know) but it never works. But if I talk to a former coworker/colleague, I can cogitate with a smile on my face.

 

The short of it is, unlike MakeYourself, I'm going into graduate school having not had a social life in years. I look forward to returning to academia and welcome the social life it may possibly bring me.

 

I see you are going into psychology, good luck with those weirdos

Just kidding

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.... I think my other problem might be my offensive sense of humor.

[Scarf in the wind]

 

My social life has actually become a lot better in grad school than before.  My first two years I only had other grad student friends, because that's just where I happened to meet most friends.  After that, more of my friends began graduating and I started participating in the community more, so I made more working professional friends.  I love it.  I hate talking about grad school on my off-time when I'm socializing, and I find that some other grad students (especially doctoral students) love to either complain about grad school work or have philosophical discussions about research/our field.  I want to talk about stupid stuff like Solange beating up Jay-Z, or not-stupid non-work stuff like...I don't know, the missing Malaysian plane or whatever.

 

 

I don't think this is true at all, for a variety of reasons - and forgive me, but I think if a person has this problem it's one on their end, not others.

I'm a very intelligent person - and my friends know it.  They call me Google.  I think most grad students are on some level very intellectual, and I'm used to becoming/gaining the reputation as the intellectual amongst my friends.  (And my friends are no slouches.)  But it happens slowly, in shades.  Why?  Because I don't want to have an intellectual conversation every time I'm hanging out, and to be honest, it really irritates me when people do.  My husband is also an intellectual and so sometimes we do have philosophical conversations at home, but we are just as likely to argue about whether Superman would beat Batman in a fight (he totally wouldn't).  Who cares if people say dumb shit?  I mean, if it's prejudiced or bigoted stuff then yes, call them out, but dumb shit is entertaining sometimes.  I find it incredibly relaxing to not always have to exercise my brain in the very, very taxing way that grad school makes me think and to just chill out.

At our core, graduate students are just regular people like everyone else.  We have interests other than our work, and sometimes we like to just shoot the shit.  Sometimes I just need to get AWAY from grad school.

...but now that I am reading other people's comments, I think I may have a better handle on what you mean.  There's a difference between friends who aren't as highly educated as you - but are still intelligent, curious people - and people who just...don't care about learning or intelligence.  I have a cousin who's like a sister to me, and I love to be with her, but sometimes I don't know what to say to her because we don't share a whole lot in common - few overlapping interests and she doesn't have any intellectual curiosity (and will openly, proudly admit it).  So I think the trick is to find friends who are non-grad students but still smart, curious people - or who share other interests of yours.  There are plenty of people like that in the world of all stripes.  My husband's working on his bachelor's right now but he is still one of the smartest people I know.

I agree with Eigen's advice.  Most of my current friends are people I met who were grad students outside of my own program (and have now graduated).  It means that I know people in a lot of fields, and it's cool.  I also think you grow out of them "I'm so immersed in science that I talk about it all day!" after you finish coursework.  After I finished my exams, although I still loved my field and wanted to work in it I became very good at compartmentalizing, because I think I'd stick a fork in my eyes if I had to talk about science ALL DAY LONG.  I actually used my dissertation years to reconnect with friends, start an exercise program and rediscover some other interests.  It's why I decided to take an extra year of school, so I could move more slowly and enjoy it more rather than stressing myself out completely and becoming miserable.

 

 

Exactly! I don't mind talking about that stuff. Like comic books (the recent Deadpool books are hilarious and great), or videogames. However, I don't want that to be the only things I ever talk about. The stimulation I need isn't met. My friends (minus 1 person) is not interested in anything I find intellectually curious. It's akin to sitting down a child and explaining to him or her why the Trade Federation and the Republic have trade disputes in Star Wars: Phantom Menace. It seems, from my own experience, that people in academia are more likely to discuss larger topics than those outside of academia.

[Scarf in the wind]

I see you are going into psychology, good luck with those weirdos

Just kidding

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.... I think my other problem might be my offensive sense of humor.

 

 

Hahah, Social Psych and Neuroscience and, hopefully, turn that into Moral Psychology.

 

I can relate. i have an offensive humor. Luckily, those I deem my best friends are very capable of taking my offensive jokes. But most aren't.

Edited May 19, 2014 by Scarf in the wind

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Most of the people I interact with have no interest in politics, world affairs, or research. They're more interested in trivial stuff like movies which, don't get me wrong, is great but it's hard to talk about something that's not stimulatiing for me, and it's hard to talk about the same things, especially considering I'm losing interest in things I once enjoyed

I just don't agree that the only stuff worthy of talking about, the only stuff considered "intellectual" is shit about politics, world affairs, and research. I was friends with a few professors too. We would go out for drinks on a bi-weekly basis. I really enjoyed listening to them too. But one thing I noticed was, there was only so much they were willing to talk about. That's why I liked talking to my non-academic friends. Now, don't get me wrong, I consider my non-academics friends to be some of the biggest intellectuals I know, the curiousest of minds, but they definitely were not what you would call educated. 

 

Anyway, we could talk about anything, and I mean anything. Sometimes, just to get the conversation going, I would throw out a topic (like "Why don't people fuck babies?") and they would run with it. That's one thing I love about stand-up comedy. Comics are people who are just curious about the world. Sure, the curiosity stems from trying to gather up material for their act, but their minds do naturally tend to wander. Think about philosophy, the branch that shaped every known academic branch today. Philosophy was just a bunch of guys sitting around wondering about shit. ("Why do they call it Ovaltine?")

 

So, when I would hang out with my professor friends, I would notice something. It was almost like an extra class session, which is great, but come the fuck on, I'm trying to have drinks to forget about class. What is a life if you have a PhD in X and all you can ever think about or talk about is X? There are so many places your mind can go to if you're willing to talk about or think about something else. When I would hang out with my professor friends, I noticed that I was just absorbing information (they were just telling me shit about linguistics and/or computer science that wasn't mentioned in the class textbook), but my mind didn't really expand. When I talked to my non-academic friends about God knows what, my mind went to places it's never been before. 

 

So I call bullshit when somebody whines that all the inferior, uneducated lay folk don't stimulate their ginormous minds. Fuck that shit. Your ginormous mind is stuck on one fucking track. And, to be honest, you're probably not as smart as you think you are. I'm more impressed with someone who can come up with something on the spot than someone who can recite something they read in some fucking appendix somewhere. 

 

Now, get me, it is difficult to find a group of friends literally willing to talk about anything. But when you find them, you'll be happy you did. When you're able to just think, you'll feel your mind expanding. That's how creativity comes about and how new ideas are formed. Not by going to PhD classes in X, talking to professors with degrees in X, making nerdy little jokes about X, and walking back home listening to your faggy little wind chime hippy music on your iPod thinking about X. 

Edited May 19, 2014 by Gnome Chomsky

[MakeYourself]

I just don't agree that the only stuff worthy of talking about, the only stuff considered "intellectual" is shit about politics, world affairs, and research. I was friends with a few professors too. We would go out for drinks on a bi-weekly basis. I really enjoyed listening to them too. But one thing I noticed was, there was only so much they were willing to talk about. That's why I liked talking to my non-academic friends. Now, don't get me wrong, I consider my non-academics friends to be some of the biggest intellectuals I know, the curiousest of minds, but they definitely were not what you would call educated.

Anyway, we could talk about anything, and I mean anything. Sometimes, just to get the conversation going, I would throw out a topic (like "Why don't people fuck babies?") and they would run with it. That's one thing I love about stand-up comedy. Comics are people who are just curious about the world. Sure, the curiosity stems from trying to gather up material for their act, but their minds do naturally tend to wander. Think about philosophy, the branch that shaped every known academic branch today. Philosophy was just a bunch of guys sitting around wondering about shit. ("Why do they call it Ovaltine?")

So, when I would hang out with my professor friends, I would notice something. It was almost like an extra class session, which is great, but come the fuck on, I'm trying to have drinks to forget about class. What is a life if you have a PhD in X and all you can ever think about or talk about is X? There are so many places your mind can go to if you're willing to talk about or think about something else. When I would hang out with my professor friends, I noticed that I was just absorbing information (they were just telling me shit about linguistics and/or computer science that wasn't mentioned in the class textbook), but my mind didn't really expand. When I talked to my non-academic friends about God knows what, my mind went to places it's never been before.

So I call bullshit when somebody whines that all the inferior, uneducated lay folk don't stimulate their ginormous minds. Fuck that shit. Your ginormous mind is stuck on one fucking track. And, to be honest, you're probably not as smart as you think you are. I'm more impressed with someone who can come up with something on the spot than someone who can recite something they read in some fucking appendix somewhere.

Now, get me, it is difficult to find a group of friends literally willing to talk about anything. But when you find them, you'll be happy you did. When you're able to just think, you'll feel your mind expanding. That's how creativity comes about and how new ideas are formed. Not by going to PhD classes in X, talking to professors with degrees in X, making nerdy little jokes about X, and walking back home listening to your faggy little wind chime hippy music on your iPod thinking about X.

You expand your mind by talking about people fucking babies?

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

You expand your mind by talking about people fucking babies?

Yeah.

[mockingjay634]

Yeah.

 i don't understand how you have so many posts and you haven't even started grad school yet. when do you have time for your research?

[victorydance]

What research? He hasn't started grad school.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

I research the effects of alcohol. I keep blacking out before I can write anything down. 

[Scarf in the wind]

I research the effects of alcohol. I keep blacking out before I can write anything down. 

 

 

Should have picked porn.