Grad school and weddings: Do they mix?

[merollam]

Has anyone here attempted the daunting task of planning a wedding during grad school?

I have just graduated from undergrad, gotten engaged, and I am waiting to hear back from grad programs. I would like to get married in Fall of 2016, but haven't set anything in stone yet (venues, vendors, etc.)

Do grad programs discourage taking time off to have a wedding (and possibly honeymoon)? I will only be in my 3rd semester by then, so missing classes would be an issue I suppose..

Any input would be greatly appreciated!

[AdornoGray]

I had a friend who was in grad school and got married and she had a lot of help in the process. Also, she's basically superwoman (one of those people who don't need to sleep and run marathons for fun). But it was a lot. She also planned her honeymoon for a little later (she got married in the fall too). Many people wait to go on their honeymoon until a more convenient time. I personally would recommend that. You can coast on the fun of the wedding for a while (and have a mini-honeymoon at home) and then go someplace awesome over break. That way it feels like two honeymoons.

 

Weddings are as much work as you make them. It's possible that you could get most of your planning done long before you enter school. My personal advice (my wedding was on the cheap but took some energy) is to accept any and all offers for help. 

 

Good luck with planning and congratulations on your engagement!

[ashiepoo72]

Absolutely it can mix. It requires meticulous planning and gnarly spreadsheets, though! In all seriousness, when I was planning my wedding (which ended up getting called off a few months before the wedding date, but I digress...) I took care of all the big, stressful things right away. That's venue, caterer, DJ, photographer, etc. I chose a venue that does everything to save me the stress and a bunch of money. All-inclusive wedding venues are awesome when you have a busy personal life. I DIYed most of the invitations, favors and decorations. I spaced these out over like 4-6 months so it wasn't overwhelming. If you're having a wedding party (or not...this works with a group of close friends too), get the guys and gals to come over one night and work on favors and the like. It's fun and will save you time. 

 

I was only half kidding about the spreadsheet thing...having a spreadsheet with invitees, their address, phone number, number in their party, and a checklist indicating if I finished their invitation, favor, save-the-date, etc...was really useful. I also had a spreadsheet that mapped out when I wanted certain things done (like: have tasting by this date. Order cake by this date. Buy invitation stamps by this date). The best thing you can do is be hyper-vigilant about organization. And set all this stuff in motion BEFORE you start graduate school.

 

Try hard NOT to get obsessed with wedding planning. I totally did--this was extra bad for me, because I almost married the wrong person and "wedding frenzy" masked our problems--but this applies to happy couples too! You need to focus on your other responsibilities and happiness outside of wedding planning. 

 

As for the wedding day and honeymoon, are you set on a date? Is there a way you can plan to get married a week or two before school starts in the Fall? There are other options, like having a delayed honeymoon (tons of people do this now because wedding costs are so prohibitive) or having a local honeymoon. Or you can just level with your professors--they've seen this before. Your personal life is important, and graduate school shouldn't totally supersede it.

 

I'd like to add that having a Sunday or off-season (like November-February) wedding will save you a HUGE amount of money. I know the season is rather important to some people, but I wanted to throw that out there.

 

Finally, do your best to enjoy planning your wedding. It's a really special time in your life (cliche, I know)--so many people get so caught up in the consumerism and details that they forget that a beautiful wedding is less important than the beautiful marriage on the other side of it

[LittleDarlings]

Why would you take time off to get married in grad school? You could always do it in the summer or after graduation... school is hard enough I do know a girl in my program who might have a fall or spring wedding next year, I personally wouldn't ever do it but whatever

[shadowclaw]

I got married just this past May! I originally planned on having a traditional wedding and I did start planning it... I came up with a guest list (over 150 people... yikes), looked at different reception sites with my mom, tried to find an outdoor ceremony spot for that many people but couldn't close to home, looked around for dresses and centerpiece ideas, etc. However, I did all of this during my last semester of undergrad. We quickly changed our minds on the type of wedding we wanted and put it off for a little while, not sure if we wanted to get married while I was pursuing my M.S. or after.

In January of 2014 we started thinking about getting married again, but wanted to do a destination wedding with our closest family members and friends. So my planning changed to researching flights, cruises, hotel packages, beach ceremony sites, etc. I ended up hiring what was essentially a wedding planner to take care of ordering flowers, setting up our ceremony site, catering, booking transportation from our cruise ship (we did our wedding and honeymoon in one), getting a wedding officiate, etc. I basically told her what I wanted (based on the wedding packages available), and she made it happen. So most of the planning on my end was choosing options from a list (kind of like a reception hall works). I also had to book the cruise and flights, plus get a dress. I actually planned to sew my dress, but I just didn't have enough time. I bought my dress off the rack 2 days before we left LoL but it was beautiful!

We left for the trip the day after the semester was over, and I planned it so I could get started on field work as soon as I got back. I actually ended up leaving the county for 3 weeks about 2.5 weeks after we got back (more field work). So the trip fit nicely with my schedule, and planning was reasonable since I didn't have to personally book an officiate, caterer, etc.

I think I could have managed to plan the traditional wedding while in grad school, too. I was just as busy in undergrad because I worked full time and took 20 credits a semester. I still found time to plan a wedding. It's mostly about making sure you get your work done as well as plan your wedding.

I doubt your PI and/or professors would object to you taking the weekend or extended weekend off for your wedding (and it may be that your lab doesn't do weekends anyway). I do think they might be a little irritated if you took a week+ off for a honeymoon in the middle of the semester. Something like an illness or a conference wouldn't likely bother them, but something that you have complete control over might not fly. Especially if you have any exams that week.

Do keep in mind that lots of people wait to go on their honeymoon for a few weeks or even a few months. You could wait until the semester is over and spend early January someplace warm.

[merollam]

Thanks for the input everyone!

To clarify: I guess I didn't mean "taking time off," but more like taking a long weekend to have the ceremony. Having a winter break honeymoon is a great idea shadowclaw! Luckily, my cousin is a wedding planner and could take care of any details for me if I end up attending a school away from home (where I'd like the wedding to be).

Edited January 15, 2015 by merollam

[merollam]

Why would you take time off to get married in grad school? You could always do it in the summer or after graduation... school is hard enough I do know a girl in my program who might have a fall or spring wedding next year, I personally wouldn't ever do it but whatever

 

Personally, I just can't wait 5+ years to get married! 

[TakeruK]

I got engaged a month into my Masters program and the married was during the summer between year 1 and year 2. During the first year, I took about 2 weeks off total (once in December, once in April) to fly back home to do all of the wedding planning and then another 10 days off (in the summer) to actually get married. We waited until the fall to take our honeymoon, so that was another week off (I was in France for a conference so I stayed another week and my wife flew out and met me in Paris). But those 4.5 weeks off were basically the only time I took off during the entire 2 year program, so it wasn't unreasonable at all (I'd say grad students in my field get on average about 2-3 weeks per year for vacation), just a little "front loaded". My honeymoon was taken during the term I was TAing (but couldn't pass up the chance to honeymoon in Paris!!) but I was TAing for my advisor, who agreed to cover my office hour shifts in exchange for me doing more work later in the term (when he needed more work from me anyways).

 

**Note: This happened at a Canadian school, where I feel that grad students have stronger vacation/time off rights and our TA contracts have strict hour requirements so it's easy to reschedule one week's worth of TAing (9 hours) to another time. Also, a Masters in Canada is equal to the first two years of a PhD, so it's not like many US masters where your advisor is not really invested or cares about you.

 

I highly second ashiepoo's method of finding a place that coordinates all the logistics. We basically just had to pick a theme colour, choose the shape of our table glitter (stars, of course!) and then pay up. We also did DIY invitations and had spreadsheet after spreadsheet of planning details. Our guest list was in three "waves" because we had to balance meeting the venue's minimum (50 adults) without going over budget (and of course, the problem is if you invite one person, you usually have to invite everyone else in that friend circle too etc.)

 

Anyways, I just want to say that it's really common for grad students to get married. Not only that, it's really common for grad students to take time off from grad school to go to their friends' weddings! Of course, while you might take anywhere between a few days to several weeks off for your own wedding, going to a friend's wedding is probably just a long weekend (i.e. only one or two days off). However, it's also understandable for grad students to take longer time off for e.g. their sibling's or really close friend's wedding (especially if they are in the wedding party).

 

We might be grad students but we are still humans. Life happens. Most people do not just pause life for grad school and a good advisor/school should not expect it of their students.

[LittleDarlings]

Personally, I just can't wait 5+ years to get married! 

... ok then. Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't ever take off time for that or have an extended weekend or whatever for that reason. Maybe my program is just important to me.. or shorter than yours? Either way doesn't matter I guess.

[ashiepoo72]

You can care about grad school and still have a personal life. It's not like OP is blowing off class for date after date--and who cares if that's the case?? Not our business to judge!

I'm GLAD to hear OP values her personal life. Grad school can consume you, and that isn't healthy or productive. I don't have statistics (I'm an historian, and not a quantitative one!) but I know from personal experience and observation that the students who have a good work-life balance do the best in grad school--as in, aren't overly obsessed with one or the other...the levels of dedication to each will fluctuate depending on the person and the circumstance. Everyone's work-life balance is weighted differently, but completely eliminating one is the wrong approach. Life is about finding your balance.

[LittleDarlings]

... I understand what life is about I get it but I don't see how someone could just decide to miss classes for a wedding or whatever.. sorry don't get it.

[ashiepoo72]

You understand what YOUR life is about, which is great. You wouldn't miss class for a wedding, at least in theory based on the information and feelings you currently have. That's your prerogative and no one should demand you do otherwise. Doesn't mean you understand what OP's life is about. She didn't ask us to understand her life (I have an urge to shout "you don't know my life!" Haha) she just asked us for advice on how to make a wedding while in grad school work.

Considering you haven't planned your wedding while in grad school, I'm not sure how your advice would be particularly useful to her?

Good luck OP!

[LittleDarlings]

She posted on a public forum, I said what I had to say take it or leave it I don't really care:) Good Luck

Edited January 15, 2015 by LittleDarlings

[Munashi]

I got married this past October.  It was out-of-state from my program, so I did end up missing 1 week of class (first year in a PhD program).  I told all the profs at the beginning of the semester and no one had a problem with it.  I knew it was coming, so I was able to work to stay on-top of things.

 

Honeymoon is on hold momentarily - we're taking one for 2 weeks this May after classes end because I did not want to take more time off.

 

The planning, etc. is daunting, but doable.I was lucky and didn't have classes on Monday, so we still had a period of Sunday-Monday after a Saturday wedding to spend time together and absorb everything.

 

The planning, etc. is daunting, but doable.  I agreed to the fall date because I wasn't "in" grad school yet (hadn't been admitted) and didn't know what would happen.  Frankly, I assumed I wouldn't get in.  The world is funny.

 

Also, congratulations.

Edited January 15, 2015 by Munashi

[Eigen]

So ignoring the quasi-trolling by our resident relationship expert, there's lots of good advice in this thread. She doesn't seem to get that you're looking at 3rd semester in a PhD program, so there wouldn't be classes to miss, nor would you have any summer or winter break to speak of, since BMS programs you research year-round. 

 

I can't speak personally, I got married in undergrad- it was definitely interesting trying to plan a wedding in the middle of the semester, then. How much stress goes into planning a wedding also depends on what your expectations are for the wedding- we had about 300 people, and ended up spending under $2k, including feeding everyone and a live band for dancing. We didn't stress too much about all the minor details, and everything worked out fine. We also made it a habit of ignoring all of the "helpful" advice from people about what we could, couldn't and *had* to do with our wedding. 

 

As to getting married in grad school, I've had a number of friends do it. Most of their advisors were very helpful and understanding, came to the wedding, gave nice presents, etc. My boss in particular is very understanding of family obligations and taking time to make sure your relationship stays intact. 

 

I had one professor strongly recommend planning a honeymoon around, say, a conference in Hawaii that you could stretch out before and after. 

 

The specifics depend exactly on your program, but in most the expectation (written or unwritten) is that you get at least 2 weeks of vacation time in addition to the official university closures (not breaks, closures). Once you're done with coursework, you have a lot of flexibility in how to take that, from my experience. The harder part is planning out experiments that far in advance to make sure you don't have live animals, tissue cultures, etc. that need to be worked on exactly when you want to take off!

 

And, as mentioned, even if you are taking a class or two, missing grad classes isn't usually as big of a deal, just tell your faculty well in advance, and most will probably be fine with it.

[LittleDarlings]

Who cares what program she is? Like really?

[random17]

My spouse and I were both in course-based grad programs while we were planning our wedding, though not technically during the wedding itself. Basically, we turned in our Masters theses a month early, moved from Europe back to the US, did last minute coordinating things for a week (dress fittings, assembling table decorations, etc.), got married, packed up all our possessions, and moved to Canada 6 days later so I could start my PhD program.

 

I don't recommend our particular strategy because organizing a wedding from a different continent is a pain, but once you have the time-consuming/in-person things figured out (like picking a venue) I found that most of the other wedding planning stuff is easy to fit in in the evenings/weekends when I'm taking a break from doing work anyway.  Like Eigen and TakeruK, I also know many PhD students who have gotten married during their programs and many grad students (myself included) who will take a few days off to go to a friend or labmate's wedding.  Again, this is a know-your-program sort of thing, but taking a long weekend for the wedding itself is generally perfectly reasonable. Most advisors understand that people have personal lives and as long as you're not spending an entire semester neglecting your work, it's unlikely to be a problem.

 

Like others said, whether or not you can take a honeymoon right away depends on the demands of your research/program at that point. We never took a honeymoon since we were too busy with moving to yet another country, but if I were to be getting married now, I wouldn't feel at all bad about taking a week to go somewhere interesting as long as it's not a semester I'm TAing. If you're still doing coursework that might be an issue, so delaying your honeymoon until the end of the semester could be a good idea.

[Eigen]

Who cares what program she is? Like really?

 

Maybe because not all programs are the same, and you gave advice pertinent to a MSW program to someone in a BMS PhD program?

 

One lasts ~18-24 months, the other lasts 5-7 years? One has coursework throughout, the other has a year of coursework and then full time research?

 

One has breaks between semesters, the other one works through breaks and summers?

 

I can see where these differences are very relevant to the advice given. Advising someone to postpone marriage 18 months until the finish is one thing, suggesting they postpone marriage 7 years so they don't take time off during a PhD program? It's such bad advice it's kinda laughable. It's like saying not to take vacation time from a job to get married.

 

PhD programs in the bench sciences especially are like jobs- you work 40-80 hours during the week, you get a few given holidays off through the year, and you have vacation time you can use when is convenient. 

[LittleDarlings]

I don't know this girl I didn't see that she was in a PhD program had I known that I likely would have said something slightly different obviously

[Vene]

I don't know this girl I didn't see that she was in a PhD program had I known that I likely would have said something slightly different obviously

It's listed right underneath her username and post count:

Program: Biomedical Sciences, PhD

And as somebody who is in a biomedical science PhD program Eigen is exactly right about the time frame. We do expect 5-7 years of graduate education, but with most of it being laboratory work to the point where classes are one of the least important aspects of our degree. The first year or two includes classes, but we're researchers first and spend most of our time in the lab, even when classes are not in session. After finals I was able to get so much more work done precisely because I didn't have to worry about my coursework, but now that they're starting up again my research is going to slow down.

[GCool]

... I understand what life is about I get it but I don't see how someone could just decide to miss classes for a wedding or whatever.. sorry don't get it.

 

And yet you're pushing to get a cheap date or knocked up while you're doing your MSW.

 

To quote The Room, the greatest movie of all time: "Keep your stupid comments in your pocket."

[fuzzylogician]

Guys, I think the discussion will be more productive if we concentrate on the original topic instead of some of the distractions that have been popping up. 

 

OP, I know some people who got married while in grad school. I think the wedding was as stressful as they let it be, but that's probably true for any situation. You'll be in school for a long time so you can't just put your life on hold until you graduate, so this may be a good exercise in fitting your personal life into your professional one. I do like the idea of postponing the honeymoon until the winter break or combining it with a conference, so you don't have to worry about missing classes or anything. You could really decompress without the pressure of needing to hurry back, and it's a nice way to change things up if you end up living in a cold place. 

[Eigen]

One thing I'll add about taking the later honeymoon is that it can be nice for so many other reasons. 

 

You're going to be tired after the wedding, even if you do a small and low stress one- we also found that we wanted to spend time with family and friends that had come in from out of town immediately after the wedding. 

 

We didn't do a huge break between wedding and honeymoon, but it was nice to not immediately rush off- take the time to organize stuff, take a bit of a break, and then take the time for the honeymoon when you're ready to go have fun!

[LittleDarlings]

And yet you're pushing to get a cheap date or knocked up while you're doing your MSW.

 

To quote The Room, the greatest movie of all time: "Keep your stupid comments in your pocket."

It's not stupid to give advice on what I Know I don't know this girls life (nor do I give a crap) do what you want why bother coming here to ask? And don't worry I don't go on cheap dates ever sweetie

[Munashi]

You're going to be tired after the wedding, even if you do a small and low stress one- we also found that we wanted to spend time with family and friends that had come in from out of town immediately after the wedding. 

 

We didn't do a huge break between wedding and honeymoon, but it was nice to not immediately rush off- take the time to organize stuff, take a bit of a break, and then take the time for the honeymoon when you're ready to go have fun!

 

This!  Also, it has the added benefit of the whole "event" lasting a bit longer.  I'm very glad we've delayed our honeymoon.