When it doesn't feel right

[MidwesternAloha]

I've been accepted to an amazing, elite graduate program, but I feel more scared than anything. I'm married and would have to move 9 hours away from my Husband. It doesn't feel right. It's fully funded+ high stipend, all kinds of freebies, celebrity (well, in my field) professors-

Why am I not more excited? I'm sitting here mourning the loss of more local programs.

Edited February 26, 2015 by MidwesternAloha

[EthanL]

Damn. Congrats on the awesome acceptance and the funding package! Sorry it's made a little bitter by your situation.
Is your husband not able to move with you? I'm sure you've given this a ton of thought and I probably dont have to spell it out, but PhDs are long. Years apart would put a strain on the strongest of relationships. I've been in an ultra-long-distance relationship for the last 2.5 years (I'm in the US and my girlfriend is in New Zealand), and it can be a challenge at times.

[MidwesternAloha]

Yeah, he can't move with me. Has has a career that keeps him stationed in one place. I guess I shouldn't be complaining, at least we don't have the time zone difference you mentioned!

[EthanL]

That's a bummer. Is he supportive of the idea of you moving? I'd have some pretty mixed emotions about it.

Honestly, the time zone thing isnt that much of a challenge. For most of the year, she's just a couple hours different, but on the next day. I spent 6.5 months in NZ in 2013 and she was here for 6 months in 2014, and I'll be moving there for my PhD at the start of June. Just 4-6 month gaps of not being together.
 

[jujubea]

If it were only my husband I would be leaving, I'd probably do it. Unfortunately I have kids to consider also... can't leave those pups behind! 

 

EDIT to clarify: it would be extremely, extremely agonizing to be without my beau... and I would NOT make the decision lightly... but, we worked through a long distance relationship between Asia and the US before. 9 hours seems like nothing compared to that...

Edited March 4, 2015 by jujubea

[smpalesh]

Personally I wouldn't do it unless it was a very short program (1 year or less).  IMO that kind of distance has a high chance of tearing a relationship apart.  For me personally, it would not be worth it.

[babybird]

Just because you have this wonderful acceptance (Congrats, BTW!) that looks good on paper (fully funded, high stipend, freebies, celebrity professors) doesn't mean that it's right for you! Something that I have to tell myself constantly - Just because Option A is right for some people and some people would be super excited and already signing the dotted line doesn't necessarily make it right for me.

 

LDRs definitely work for some people/personality types. During my interviews and through my career so far, I've been shocked at how many spouses work in different cities (or even different countries!)  But I also have a lot of admiration for those who can view their LDR decision as temporary step in the path of life. I truly admire people who work hard while they are separated in order to achieve a goal like a PhD that will hopefully allow them to be together with their SO's in the future.

 

Part of making a life choice like where to attend graduate school is knowing yourself. I'm also married, and I know that I could not do a this kind of LDR - I'd probably end up resenting my choices and making myself so miserable that the pros of attending a school 9 hours away would be outweighed. I would take a year off and apply again, hoping to bolster my application and get in at places closer to home.

 

Honestly, it comes down to your priorities and your personality. Do you view this opportunity that would force a LDR for 5+ years in an overall positive or negative light?

 

(edit for grammar)

Edited March 4, 2015 by babybird

[grad_wannabe]

I got into a great PhD program. Highly ranked, well-funded, travel funding, tons of interesting research, perfect fit for my interests, close to friends and family ... but I just don't feel right about it. I can't explain it. I just don't want to be there for the next five years. 

[juilletmercredi]

I think if it doesn't feel right - and it's not just cold feet or imposter syndrome - you shouldn't go. Life is too short to spend years in a PhD program you feel lukewarm about.

 

OP, I've done long-distance with my husband but not 9 hours (or at least, not 9 hours for longer than 6 months). He was in TX while I was in NY for the first 6 months of my PhD program but then he got stationed about 3 hours away from me. Now we live about 4 hours apart while I do a postdoc and he finishes his degree. You're not excited because you don't want to live apart from your husband, and that's fine! 9 hours is a long time and 5 years is a long time to be 9 hours away. I'm fairly certain that I would not make that choice at this point in my career, and there's nothing wrong with that.

[pinkdragonslayer76]

I've been accepted to an amazing, elite graduate program, but I feel more scared than anything. I'm married and would have to move 9 hours away from my Husband. It doesn't feel right. It's fully funded+ high stipend, all kinds of freebies, celebrity (well, in my field) professors-

Why am I not more excited? I'm sitting here mourning the loss of more local programs.

 

Wait.  I'm confused.  If you applied to this specific school, didn't you know it was 9 hours away?  If you weren't serious about attending, why did you apply in the first place?  Did someone else apply for you?  If you were the one who applied, did you know at the time that your husband wouldn't be able to join you?

 

Many spouses (e.g. military wives) stay in the U.S. while their significant others (e.g. husbands) serve overseas in the military.  It's not as if long-distance relationships aren't possible.

 

If you have a strong relationship with your husband, you both can Skype/Facetime/webchat, talk on the phone, visit during the holidays and summer/winter break.  5 years can go by fast.

 

Besides, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," right?

 

How does your husband feel about you pursuing this amazing opportunity?  Is he supportive?

 

It's heart-breaking when so many times, women have to sacrifice their career and personal goals & dreams for others.  

 

It's sweet you want to stay closer to your husband.  But will you later resent your husband and hold it against him.  Will you have deep regrets and be unhappy, miserable, and indignant at giving up what you wanted?

 

Food for thought...if things were reversed and you were the one who had a job in which you couldn't leave/move, and if your husband had an amazing opportunity to pursue an elite graduate program that is "fully funded + high stipend, all kinds of freebies, celebrity professors," but it meant him leaving....would you support him going or would you forbid/discourage/prevent him?

 

As you know, marriage is a partnership, and nobody from the internet should tell you what to do.  If you haven't already, talk with your husband and your family & friends...but for sure, maybe listening to your husband will alleviate or confirm your doubts, fears, and hesitation.

 

Who knows, maybe he'll fully support you and encourage you to pursue your educational/career goals.  Everyone is different.  Some men may be traditional, selfish, close-minded, or lean toward old-school gender roles.  And some men are like George Clooney, who respect strong, independent, self-sufficient, smart, and career-minded women.

 

Whatever you decide, congratulations on getting into a prestigious and competitive program.  Who knows, maybe the other programs you applied to which are geographically closer to your husband will turn out to be adequate and good enough to achieve your goals & dreams.  Good luck!

[have2thinkboutit]

I don't now what discipline you are in so I am not sure this applies to you - but some programs do not require you to complete 5 years on campus. This may be more common for European or Australian/NZ universities, but many of the schools I know there only require you to be there for the 1st of three years. Your fieldwork as well as your writing period can be done anyplace you like. I know that this is different for people working within a lab, so this may not apply to you. Also, the American/Canadian system is different so I suppose even if they had similar regulations you would still have to be away for at least 2 years out of 5.

However, don't forget that there is a long summer break that you could use to your advantage (look for researchships etc. in you hometown/region!) as well as some other breaks. I don't know how old your kids so that can change this whole scenario again (5 vs 15... big difference!).

Like other have said, you can only make this decision with your husband! But I would seriously consider an offer that you must have worked for very hard! And this acceptance should not come as a surprise to your husband - again, you never mentioned how he feels about it, but I'd say ask him, discuss this situation with him, think about the possibilities and the improbabilities and go from there...

Good luck with this tough decision!

[napoleon87]

Can you talk a bit more about the more local programs you've been accepted to?  How do they compare in terms of fit, funding and prospects post-graduation?  

[MidwesternAloha]

Wait.  I'm confused.  If you applied to this specific school, didn't you know it was 9 hours away?  If you weren't serious about attending, why did you apply in the first place?  Did someone else apply for you?  If you were the one who applied, did you know at the time that your husband wouldn't be able to join you?

 

Many spouses (e.g. military wives) stay in the U.S. while their significant others (e.g. husbands) serve overseas in the military.  It's not as if long-distance relationships aren't possible.

 

If you have a strong relationship with your husband, you both can Skype/Facetime/webchat, talk on the phone, visit during the holidays and summer/winter break.  5 years can go by fast.

 

Besides, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," right?

 

How does your husband feel about you pursuing this amazing opportunity?  Is he supportive?

 

It's heart-breaking when so many times, women have to sacrifice their career and personal goals & dreams for others.  

 

It's sweet you want to stay closer to your husband.  But will you later resent your husband and hold it against him.  Will you have deep regrets and be unhappy, miserable, and indignant at giving up what you wanted?

 

Food for thought...if things were reversed and you were the one who had a job in which you couldn't leave/move, and if your husband had an amazing opportunity to pursue an elite graduate program that is "fully funded + high stipend, all kinds of freebies, celebrity professors," but it meant him leaving....would you support him going or would you forbid/discourage/prevent him?

 

As you know, marriage is a partnership, and nobody from the internet should tell you what to do.  If you haven't already, talk with your husband and your family & friends...but for sure, maybe listening to your husband will alleviate or confirm your doubts, fears, and hesitation.

 

Who knows, maybe he'll fully support you and encourage you to pursue your educational/career goals.  Everyone is different.  Some men may be traditional, selfish, close-minded, or lean toward old-school gender roles.  And some men are like George Clooney, who respect strong, independent, self-sufficient, smart, and career-minded women.

 

Whatever you decide, congratulations on getting into a prestigious and competitive program.  Who knows, maybe the other programs you applied to which are geographically closer to your husband will turn out to be adequate and good enough to achieve your goals & dreams.  Good luck!

 

I appreciate this thought-provoking response.  I see that it has 2 downvotes, but I'm not sure why.  I didn't perceive it as critical, but raw-  real.  Since various people have asked these questions and I haven't been active on here lately, I will respond to these as best I can.

 

I applied to the school because at the time, it appeared my husband would have the opportunity to transfer there.  We have since learned that he cannot.

 

He is in the military and I'm so tired of bouncing back and forth between a LDR and him being home.  We had a full-blown LDR for 5 of the years we were dating.  We have been living physically together + married for barely 2 years since then.  I'm just not eager to do the distance thing by choice.  It's easier when the Army "takes" us away.  I struggle with making a conscious decision to go away.

 

He is immensely supportive of me attending this program.  I like that somebody mentioned a distinction between a bad fit, cold feet and imposter syndrome.  Upon reflection, I think I just have cold feet.  The program is an excellent fit for my research and professional goals.  Likewise, I would never want to get in the way of him reaching his dreams.  We established that foundation before we were married.  It is part of what attracted us to one another:  he didn't want a stay-at-home housewife with a diamond diploma, and I wanted someone who encouraged me to be the best I can be (professionally, academically, whatever else).

 

Someone mentioned summer breaks:  unfortunately, those don't exist in my field.  Those are better served as opportunities to work full-time in the lab, without classes taking up your time.  Writing years can be done from a distance, however.  Good point! I didn't think of that.

 

The local program(s) I applied to are within commuting distance and within weekend-commuting distance, respectively.   The closer of the two programs is not at all the type of research I dreamed of doing, but would provide better opportunities for my long term goals of being an academic investigator at a private college or university.  It's biochemistry research but not cancer biology.  I applied there because it is a high-ranking school and the closest physical entity where I could pursue a graduate education.  I applied but was rejected from their cancer bio track and my application trickled down to a different department that is now recruiting me.  The second program (3 hours away) is cancer biology related, but I am currently waitlisted post-interview there, so, not much control over the situation.

 

Going back to the military aspect, though, he's going to be gone 50% of the time I'm in school, anyway, so- might as well be somewhere I enjoy living, right?  I have no familial support and would never choose to live in the state where we are currently.  9 hours away, though...Florida is nice

[rising_star]

I totally understand having cold feet about a program that seems perfect. I felt that way about my PhD program after picking it and considered backing out and going elsewhere. I didn't and I don't regret going there now. It was ultimately the right decision but it was a hard one because I had to move away from my family and also my decision to move led to a break up with the person I was dating. It was definitely a rough time. Ultimately, MidwesternAloha, you have to do what is right for you, not what any of us think you should do.

[Cheshire_Cat]

I feel for you. That is a really tough decision. I grew up in a military town and decided I could never marry someone who was military because I couldn't be away from them for that long.  But, if you know you can make it, then take the position.  The other thing I know about the military is that you aren't stationed at one place forever.  In a couple of years he could be transferred and if you were at the other school, you could still be stuck hours away from him.  But five years... I couldn't do it. 

[DTY]

I just wonder, since he is in the military, how likely is it he'll be stationed in the same place for the entire duration of your program? If you settled for the geographically closer program, and then he gets transferred in two year, would you regret/resent it? I'm of the opinion that if this is basically your dream program with amazing funding, go for it! The time apart might suck, but it won't be forever.

[CoolZero]

I agree with DTY. I think if he gets transferred to somewhere else in 2 years, you may regret letting this chance go, because after that you are not in your dream school and you are not close to your husband.

If you think attending this school may harm your relationship and you would regret it later, attend a local school. And also if you think you would regret not attending this school later, attend the school.

FWIW, if I were you, I would have attended my dream school.

[MidwesternAloha]

I wish he had a chance of being transferred, but his job is very stable. I is only offered at this specific base. He has and will be here for his entire career. But I appreciate the support - I need to go to the program I like, no the program I compromise. I know I would grow resentful. My husband even mentioned last night that there would be nothing he could do to ease that if I made a decision that sacrificed what I really wanted to do. Where there's a will, there's a way. At least I have 6 months to prepare for the distance again. I am grateful to all of you because I have no peers attending or pursuing grad school, so I really value all of this feedback.

[nugget]

Are you currently working at a job that you would hate to give up to go back to school? Based on what you wrote so far, it seems that the only risk or issue in question is moving away from your husband for 3-5 years. What about giving it a try for a semester or two? If you can make it work, then complete the program. If you are unhappy and miserable, then apply to other programs next year and try again. It seems like you have little to lose by trying it out for a while and have much to gain if it works out.

[MidwesternAloha]

Are you currently working at a job that you would hate to give up to go back to school? Based on what you wrote so far, it seems that the only risk or issue in question is moving away from your husband for 3-5 years. What about giving it a try for a semester or two? If you can make it work, then complete the program. If you are unhappy and miserable, then apply to other programs next year and try again. It seems like you have little to lose by trying it out for a while and have much to gain if it works out.

That's a really good point. Honestly, it never dawned on me that if it's too much, I can reevaluate a year from now. I currently work outside my field of interest and have been for almost 3 years. I don't dislike my job but it's unrelated to my career goals. I like cancer biology, but I'm currently working with plant biology, so it's gratifying to have been accepted into a highly respected CB program based on my publications at my last job. I've spent the last 3 years following around my husband while we achieved something stable so I could finally apply to grad school. The local program that is still considering/pursuing me is for a PhD program in plant biology. So, I'd be sacrificing what I really want to do. More and more, it looks like I have already made my decision, I'm just nervous. Thank you again. You all have really helped me sort myself out.

[pinkdragonslayer76]

What a relief my post did not offend you and you are open-minded.  Yeah, I could see how others disliked my earlier message.

 

 

Anyhow, what a relief you have experience of a LDR.  At least it shows you are strong and your relationships has stayed strong throughout the past 5+ years.

 

You are absolutely right to feel tired of being apart and no longer want to be separated.  It's sweet you want to stay together.

 

I'm curious again...if you were to attend one of the closer programs, does that mean you would have to find a job in the area where you currently are at?  You mentioned your husband cannot transfer.  Is that short-term or long-term?  If it's long-term, will you encounter a similar dilemma in the future?

 

Cancer biology seems pretty specific, compared to something like teaching, nursing, etc...where one could find a job in most cities.  So once you get your PhD, will you be able to find a job you're happy with that allows you to live with your husband?  

 

Lastly, congratulations your husband is very supportive of you and he respects & understands your passion to pursue your dreams and calling.  Whichever program you pursue, it seems your relationship is strong and able to withstand any geographic distance, but you both will always remain close to one another figuratively.

 

All the best to you in your pursuits and goals/dreams. 

[nugget]

 

Cancer biology seems pretty specific, compared to something like teaching, nursing, etc...where one could find a job in most cities.  So once you get your PhD, will you be able to find a job you're happy with that allows you to live with your husband?  

 

 

 

You bring up an excellent point that should be considered by the OP in this decision.

[orangeglacier]

Wait.  I'm confused.  If you applied to this specific school, didn't you know it was 9 hours away?  If you weren't serious about attending, why did you apply in the first place?  Did someone else apply for you?  If you were the one who applied, did you know at the time that your husband wouldn't be able to join you?

 

Many spouses (e.g. military wives) stay in the U.S. while their significant others (e.g. husbands) serve overseas in the military.  It's not as if long-distance relationships aren't possible.

 

If you have a strong relationship with your husband, you both can Skype/Facetime/webchat, talk on the phone, visit during the holidays and summer/winter break.  5 years can go by fast.

 

Besides, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," right?

 

How does your husband feel about you pursuing this amazing opportunity?  Is he supportive?

 

It's heart-breaking when so many times, women have to sacrifice their career and personal goals & dreams for others.  

 

It's sweet you want to stay closer to your husband.  But will you later resent your husband and hold it against him.  Will you have deep regrets and be unhappy, miserable, and indignant at giving up what you wanted?

 

Food for thought...if things were reversed and you were the one who had a job in which you couldn't leave/move, and if your husband had an amazing opportunity to pursue an elite graduate program that is "fully funded + high stipend, all kinds of freebies, celebrity professors," but it meant him leaving....would you support him going or would you forbid/discourage/prevent him?

 

As you know, marriage is a partnership, and nobody from the internet should tell you what to do.  If you haven't already, talk with your husband and your family & friends...but for sure, maybe listening to your husband will alleviate or confirm your doubts, fears, and hesitation.

 

Who knows, maybe he'll fully support you and encourage you to pursue your educational/career goals.  Everyone is different.  Some men may be traditional, selfish, close-minded, or lean toward old-school gender roles.  And some men are like George Clooney, who respect strong, independent, self-sufficient, smart, and career-minded women.

 

Whatever you decide, congratulations on getting into a prestigious and competitive program.  Who knows, maybe the other programs you applied to which are geographically closer to your husband will turn out to be adequate and good enough to achieve your goals & dreams.  Good luck!

 

So if OP's husband doesn't want to live 9 hours away from his wife for 5 years, he must be "selfish" and "lean toward old-school gender roles"?  Not wanting the terms of his marriage to suddenly, dramatically change means that he isn't "supportive"?  I'm not saying long distance relationships can't work, but it's something both people have to work out.

 

OP, looking at your other posts it sounds like accepting the program is likely the right decision for you, but I really had to comment on the judgmental tone of pinkdragon's post.