Second Thoughts?

[angesradieux]

Anyone else having second thoughts about grad school? Is this normal? For the last month, I've agonized over not getting in, afraid that I would be stuck in my dead end job forever. I didn't really have a back-up plan. This was it.

But now decisions are trickling in, and I'm swinging the opposite way. I don't have the official offer, but my POI said I'm in one program and will have something more official in hand by Wednesday. I should be ecstatic. My previous worst case scenario looks like it won't come to pass. But now I'm just sitting here crying.

I'm realizing that the thought of moving 400+ miles away, to a place where I don't know anyone and haven't even really spent time scares me. I'm nervous about leaving my friends and family. I'm afraid that certain people won't even care that I'm gone. I'm just really overwhelmed by the prospect of packing up and leaving pretty much everything. I thought I'd gotten over it. I started looking for apartments online this morning and trying to find out more about where I'm living. But now I'm a teary-eyed mess again and I'm having thoughts of "why did I ever do this to myself?"

I want the PhD and a career in academia, but I'm grappling with the fact that I've come to realize I hate the idea of uprooting myself and leaving my family, friends, church, and job for the unknown. There are no programs in state that would have been a decent fit. I was told by multiple people they weren't worth even applying to. So I knew going to grad school and being close to home were mutually exclusive.  But I guess I didn't realize how terrifying that was until now, when it looks like there's an extremely high chance I will actually be moving.

Anyone else having second thoughts or massive anxiety over moving? Or am I the only crazy person who isn't one hundred percent thrilled by the possibility of pursuing a graduate degree?

 

[GunningForGrad]

Hi @angesradieux. First and foremost, what you are feeling is TOTALLY normal. That said, I don't think you should let it derail your dreams. Moving is hard. I am practically a professional now- I've moved about sixteen times in my life- and it will always be difficult. You will have days where it seems impossibly difficult, days where you will be homesick. But I can tell you wholeheartedly that I have never once regretted a move.

You will be missed. People will care that you're gone. Some relationships will change- some may even fizzle out. It's the nature of the human condition. But you can't let that keep you from pursuing your passions. Rose colored glasses allow us to romanticize our current lives. But I assure you- your family isn't going anywhere and visiting will be amazing! And you will have an opportunity to form new connections.

I'm happy to try to help any questions you have but I certainly don't think you're weird for being scared or having second thoughts. It sounds like going to school is the right decision for you. Bravery isn't the absence of fear but acting in spite of it.

[phdthoughts]

@angesradieux your feelings are totally normal. But what @GunningForGrad said is right - your friends and family will be there, and it probably won't be easy at first. But, in any decision you make there is risk, (staying where you are is also a risk!) but as long as you are making a calculated one you will be okay. Feeling a little scared means you care about your future and want to make the best decision instead of jumping headlong into something without thinking. 

[TakeruK]

Your feelings are very normal. Academia is not just a lot of hard work, but it's tough at a personal level too. I've been away from home for 7 years now (2 years Masters, 5th year PhD---I did undergrad at home) and I'm applying for postdocs (2-5 year contracts) now. It's a little scary to think that it might be many more years before I can be back "home" again. 

Everything others said will be true. Some of my friendships fizzled out. But even if you didn't move, friendships will also fizzle out. In our 20s, we develop and change a lot as people, and sometimes the people we liked in our childhood/teenage years grow to become very different decades later. So, I agree with @GunningForGrad's advice: don't let complacency/inertia prevent you from pursuing your passions.

I also made lots of new friends too. And you'll be surprised how strong some other friendships are. For some friends, I only see them once or twice a year and it's like there was no time in between. Although it's true that friends you make in academia will also move away, it's also kind of nice to have friends almost everywhere. Whenever I travel for a conference, even to another continent, there's a good chance that I'll be able to meet up with a friend who's there (often a friend who isn't even attending the conference, but conference buddies are great too). 

It's also okay to consider missing your family as a "cost" of academia, and to consider geography/location as part of your decision on choosing grad schools and in the future, jobs/career paths. Many people talk about the "costs" of grad school and they'll discuss the low pay, the tough job market, the long hours, but few mention the cost of living far from home or not having a stable "home base". Some academics even romanticize the "nomad" life. That's great for them but you don't have to feel that you must also do the same to be successful. So, one "coping mechanism" is simply just allowing yourself to feel sad that you're away from home. You're not deficient or weak for feeling that way.

My last piece of advice is that you are not making a commitment for life when you sign up for grad school. If you really really hate it, you can always quit grad school! (Probably give it at least one year though). Or, you can leave after a Masters. Or after your degree, you might not feel like academia is the way for you and you can go back home. So yes, moving away is a scary decision but it's not a permanent one. You will always have a way back.

[DBear]

I agree with what everyone has said. Grad school is hard because it really is a new life (for a lot of people) a new home, a new job, a new future, a new everything. And whether you happen to be straight out of undergrad or are in your 30's or 40's, you're an adult - and for most adults, being exposed to something new and having to adjust, adapt, and make new friends isn't something they've had to do in a while. So it's perfectly natural that you're emotional and scared about the process. 

I think it's actually good that you are experiencing it now. You have plenty of time to come to terms with it, prepare mentally and emotionally for the move and change and vent with all of us in the same boat. It's better than being in blissful euphoria that you've been accepted then completely having a meltdown the first week of school. Let yourself enjoy the success, let yourself be anxious about the move and try and find ways to maybe slowly get used to it before it happens. If you are a church-goer, you'll probably be able to find a new church and some religious student groups at your new school that you could reach out to in advance and maybe build some friendships before you go. Schedule plenty of time with your friends and family. You have months before you have to actually move so take it slow and if you feel like you're not dealing with it well, cut yourself some slack, it's really a lot to take in. It'll be worth it once you're on the road to fulfilling your dreams though!

[angesradieux]

Thanks for the advice. I'm relieved I'm not the only crazy person to have a post acceptance meltdown.

I know it would be stupid not to go. My current job is a dead end. There's no room for advancement, and it just kind of is what it is. And the job market's tough and there isn't a huge demand for history undergrads, so the chances of finding something else aren't particularly high. Going to graduate school will give me more opportunities than I'd have just staying where I am. Plus I know I'm getting funding from at least one school, so I guess I figure it would be insane not to accept an offer for a funded PhD. When it boils down to it pretty much every rational, logical thought points to take the opportunity and run with it.

But that doesn't stop my from going back and forth between looking up apartment prices and actually trying to figure things out and getting weepy and emotional over not wanting to move.

It's not even the friendships I'm super worried about. One of my closest friends is already in grad school and moved a fair distance away. We still talk pretty much every day, and even if we don't talk on the phone we text. Several friends from high school moved, and we all try to see each other as much as possible when they come back to visit. Some may fizzle, but I think I can maintain most of my friendships. I guess one of my biggest concerns is whether my sister will even care when I leave. I went out, bought ingredients, and made Thai food for her. She hasn't even tried it. I suggested making plans with me and a mutual friend, and she immediately blurted out "no" and acted like I'd asked a really stupid question. And then she followed it up with a comment that basically boiled down to "Why would I do something like that?" Maybe it's stupid, because if she doesn't care whether I'm here or not, why bother sticking around?

I don't know. I think I'm just rambling at this point, but I feel like an emotional train wreck trying to process everything right now. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who's not just absolutely thrilled to bits by the thought of having an admissions offer. I kind of felt like I'm just insane.

[Dwr]

I have never doubted what I want to do but still it is scary to plunge into a completely new life. 

Edited January 29, 2017 by Dwr

[GunningForGrad]

@angesradieux, if your sister is behaving like that now then it probably won't change when you move. Although my relationship with my sister improved immensely when we lived in different states. Sort of that "you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone". 

My dad won't care if I get into grad school. In many ways, he'll think it's stupid. Embrace the positive relationships you have in your life. Those will be the ones that carry you far. 

You're going to love grad school and the growth you get from it.

[echast]

Excuse me if I am reading too much into your posts, but you don't actually seem to be that excited about being a graduate student for reasons other than just anxiety about moving (which, as other people have pointed out, is completely and totally normal. You are definitely not alone in that!). When you described your reasons for wanting to go to graduate school you repeatedly stated that it was a better alternative than your current dead-end job, but you didn't mention anything about excitement at the prospect of doing research or studying something you are passionate about.

I know its entirely possible that your anxiety about moving is making it difficult for you to be too excited about grad school, but I think trying to become more excited might also help alleviate some of the anxiety you are feeling. I know for me reading through lists of courses offered at the schools where I have applied or learning more about research that POIs have completed tends to make me more enthused about the idea of leaving my family and makes the entire process feel more worth it. If you have done these things and still don't feel enthused, then maybe you should take some time to seriously evaluate your motives for attending graduate school. You deserve to do something that will make you happy! There is no shame at all in turning down a funded PhD offer if you feel that it isn't something that will make you happy. 

[angesradieux]

14 minutes ago, echast said:

Excuse me if I am reading too much into your posts, but you don't actually seem to be that excited about being a graduate student for reasons other than just anxiety about moving (which, as other people have pointed out, is completely and totally normal. You are definitely not alone in that!). When you described your reasons for wanting to go to graduate school you repeatedly stated that it was a better alternative than your current dead-end job, but you didn't mention anything about excitement at the prospect of doing research or studying something you are passionate about.

I know its entirely possible that your anxiety about moving is making it difficult for you to be too excited about grad school, but I think trying to become more excited might also help alleviate some of the anxiety you are feeling. I know for me reading through lists of courses offered at the schools where I have applied or learning more about research that POIs have completed tends to make me more enthused about the idea of leaving my family and makes the entire process feel more worth it. If you have done these things and still don't feel enthused, then maybe you should take some time to seriously evaluate your motives for attending graduate school. You deserve to do something that will make you happy! There is no shame at all in turning down a funded PhD offer if you feel that it isn't something that will make you happy. 

I was excited in the beginning. The first time my POI contacted me, I almost started crying out of relief that I'd heard from somewhere. After talking to him I also found he's an even better fit than I realized. But I guess the enthusiasm has kind of waned now that the anxiety over moving's set in. It will probably come back once I get over being afraid of going.

[C is for Caps Locks]

I think it's also pretty natural to experience a sort of "what now!?" feeling when you've realize you actually made it.

At least for me the process of "looking to apply -> applying -> applied -> accepted in a top program & interviewing at several more" brought both great joy and also fear/anxiety at every step of the journey.

It's not for me at least that I'm not ecstatic about getting this far, but as happy as one is, it's also easy to begin to worry about the next step or things one has to do (again, I think it's normal that after the first period of elation/joy, you might begin to worry about things like the logistics of moving to an entirely new city, etc.).

Edited January 30, 2017 by C is for Caps Locks

[GunningForGrad]

I know that I personally spend a lot of time worrying that if I get accepted somewhere, something will fall through. Maybe I won't get the funding or loans I need to afford the program. Maybe I won't be able to find housing near the school. Maybe I'll get an email saying the acceptance was all a mistake. I think there will always be something to fear and give you second thoughts right up to actually moving, starting your program, and settling in.

[angesradieux]

I think I may be slowly calming down. For now, anyway. Maybe it's just the calm before the storm of more freaking out, though. I don't know. But it actually looks like pet friendly places are pretty easy to find near campus, which eases some of my anxiety. I was incredibly stressed over what I was going to do with my cat, since my parents are allergic and can't give him much attention and my sister made it clear that she wanted no part of helping me out by looking after him if I ended up not being able to take him with me. So that's one good thing.

It looks like there's at least one community choir in the area, which is also a good thing. I know that probably shouldn't be my first concern in grad school, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that this is my last season with the choirs I currently sing with. Maybe I'll look into whether there's a university choir that's open to grad students and try to check that out. I'm not too optimistic about finding a new church, though. Not to get overly political, but I joined my current church largely because the pastor was quite liberal, which made me feel more comfortable attending. Moving to a red state, I'm not sure how likely it is that I'll be able to find a church that's not too socially conservative for me. Hopefully if I take it slow and poke around researching the area a little bit here and there, I'll warm up to the idea of living there.

Now I kind of wish I had gone away for undergrad. Maybe then I wouldn't be so freaked out. But I only lived away for one year and commuted the rest of the time. And even when I lived away, I worked closer to home on the weekends, so I had to go home every weekend, and I went back sometimes during the week if I needed to pick up something I'd forgotten. This will be the first time I'll be in a position where I'm really on my own and can't just hop in a car and be home in an hour or so if I feel like it. Commuting was great for saving money, but I guess now I'm not quite as comfortable with the idea of being away from home as I might have have been otherwise.