kseeful

I applied to work with one professor (X) and then got invited by a different professor (Y). I didn't realize that this meant that X was not interested in my application even though Y was. I proceeded to tell all the people I met at the open house that I wanted to work for X, and they got confused and asked, "But isn't Y hosting you?" It was more awkward than I realized at the time.

I applied to work with one professor (X) and then got invited by a different professor (Y). I didn't realize that this meant that X was not interested in my application even though Y was. I proceeded to tell all the people I met at the open house that I wanted to work for X, and they got confused and asked, "But isn't Y hosting you?" It was more awkward than I realized at the time.

In my experience, sometimes what you think about schools drastically changes post visit. In my visiting times, back in the dark ages, my order of interest in schools flipped entirely pre-visit to post-visit. The school that looked amazing on paper was filled with depressed people who didn't enjoy their lives, and didn't really get excited about the research. My last choice school (relatively low ranked) had amazing faculty that were really well connected and really passionate about their work. I ended up choosing a school that I wasn't serious about before, and rejecting a school that I was exceptionally excited about. 
I encourage all of my students to visit any school that is paying, that they are not completely sure they wouldn't go to. An interview is largely a chance for the school to sell you on why they're the best choice for you, while at the same time being a chance for you to sell yourself to them.
When we were doing graduate admissions work when I was in grad school, I know we'd have wanted someone to come even if they weren't sure- it was our chance to convince them, and we couldn't do that if they didn't come. This is completely separate from someone being absolutely sure they weren't going to come, and visiting for a free trip. 

Thanks for sharing! If it makes you feel better, the school I wrote this post about ended up rejecting me from the PhD, but liked my application enough to fully fund me for an MA. When I asked if I wasn't accepted for the PhD because of a poor interview, the department responded by saying that they felt my interview was very strong, and that I only wasn't accepted because this year's applicants were "unusually" strong. The program is a top one, so I don't think they would have offered a funded MA if I sounded like a total idiot, which I thought I did. So don't lose hope! We are often our harshest critics. 

You should visit if there is a chance you'll want to attend. (Assuming they are covering your expenses.) You'll meet POIs, get to see the place, talk to students, it'll make for a more informed decision at the end of the day. If you don't go, you'll miss out on all that. You don't need to know you'll attend, just as long as you haven't already decided you won't. 

@conflictedA First off, congratulations! Second, I'm a dude, so take this with a grain of salt: I think you might want to defer for a year and/or go to a school near one of your personal support networks (i.e. your, or your husband's, family). 
This might by tl;dr, but here it is...
I'm the father of 2 beautiful, and I think, well-adjusted little girls - both of whom were born during my 3-year, full-time masters. I was a full-time student, part-time worker, and new dad. My wife has an executive level career and works 50+ hours a week - and was stuck with America's horrible maternity leave policies. The only way I think that this could have possibly worked out is because one of the schools I wanted to go to was in my wife's hometown - since we knew we were going to have a baby, we went with that offer of admission. I can't imagine doing what we did without grandparents & friends helping us out. Even so, 4 years and a second little girl in to this, we're just beginning to get into a regular pattern of sleep (may yours sleep more consistently, I pray). I don't know how speech pathology maps onto theology, but trying to parse Hebrew at 8 in the morning after having not slept for a few nights is challenging at the least, and I wasn't even the one feeding the little angels (at least until they learned how bottles work)!
That said - if your heart is set on the school, I think you can do it, it just a little harder. Some thoughts:
Can you do the program part-time, or 3/4 time? I have friends w/ kids and no local support network who did this & everything worked out just fine. Many programs will also let you take an extended family/medical leave - so you could do the first semester, take the second one off, and return in the fall. Do you qualify for WIC (high income limit)? That can take a huge financial load off, and might line you up for childcare assistance (lower income limit). Have you priced full-time childcare in the neighborhood you'd be moving to? It can be prohibitively expensive, like $200-$400 a week depending on where you are / the level of care. And sadly, you really get what you pay for. We had our girls in full-time care, but as a student, I had summers off, so I could just stay home and play with them all summer and save a few thousand - which is more than I would have made working a 3 month job and a lot more fun.  I know a number of people who found other parents of young kids in their neighborhood and basically started a co-op of childcare, that freed up lots of time. Are you prepared for the guilt of doing homework when you could be playing with your new bundle of joy? Personally, this killed me as a new grad. student until I learned to manage my time better. Being a graduate student is a full-time job in itself, can you keep it contained in the 40 hours of daycare-time? (I couldn't) To save $$ on full-time childcare w/ two kids (prohibitively expensive to the grad-school budget), I watched the girls on the days I didn't have class. This makes for a killer work load and you have to be super-disciplined.  Bonus of being far from grandparents - no over the shoulder "parenting" advice. I've got wonderful in-laws, so this wasn't an issue, but I know some folk who really wished they had an excuse to move a few states away. Religious or not, churches are a great place to find mom-related support and get plugged into the neighborhood's parenting world. Some schools have built-in early childhood development centers - does yours? They sometimes provide a hefty discount to students. Can you afford a nanny? That might be an option is you have a good source of income. How about someone to clean your house? That last one might seem excessive, but it's not. A bi-monthly visit by a maid service isn't prohibitively expensive and will make you feel worlds better. Are there any other parents in your cohort? They might be good sources. PM me if you want more, or have specific questions that I might be able to answer. Graduate school is tough, expensive, stressful - having little ones around sure is a good way to keep oneself grounded and focused on what matters.  
 

I can never get air mattresses to feel warm and they're overall too squishy.  I just purged all my furniture so I'm camping on the floor until I move *sigh*

OK, this topic has been going on for a while now. I remember I used it before starting grad school! After three years, I thought I might give my two cents. 
Note taking: I have always been a pen-and-paper person. Yet, I decided to go laptop for grad school. Two main reasons:
You can search you notes faster. For writing papers and/or sitting for your Comps, it is always better to make your notes word-searchable. Easy to edit. If the discussion involved a reference to a book that I didn't know, it is easy to add hyperlinks/side notes to that book. Also, I would go home and add historical background (if needed), or other information I saw pertinent. A good resource was adding keywords and their definitions.  For notetaking, I use OneNote. Free and websync so you don't lose your stuff. 
Laptop: I brought to grad school a 2010 Dell mini 10''. Light, easy to use but very old and very slow. It took it half an hour to start running (even if it wasn't shut down). For my third semester I invested in a MacBook Pro and it was the best decision  I have made. First, because I have VERY GOOD campus support for Mac. Second, it is as light as my previous computer but the screen is bigger so I can actually work here (13''). Third, because Mac is SO much better for viruses. I travel a lot for research so it is nice not to worry about one thing. Pay attention to your campus offers as regards software. Most of the software I can download through my school is both for Windows and Mac, which is great. 
Software:
Bibliography– I use Zotero but because I only made a choice when I started three years ago. It was either Zotero or Endnote. Choose one and stick to it. I would suggest doing some digging -again- about support on campus. For example, when I work on campus computers, I make sure I choose one where Zotero is installed for using with a word processor. Endnote is everywhere, Zotero not so much. Like OneNote, it syncs online which is great. Writing– I recently started using Scrievener. It is a great resource for extensive writing. It has many features that you sort of discover as you use it: brianstorming, corkwall, keywords, etc. The only problem that I have with it is that there is not a good extension for bibliographic managers. But I will definitely write my dissertation here. SO MUCH BETTER than word. You can try it out for free for 30 days (30 days that you actually use it which can extend over a longer period). Scanning– If you need to scan books/documents, I suggest CamScanner. It scans and turns your scans into PDFs documents, and then you can send them to your e-mail. I also use traditional scanners if I am on campus, and traditional cameras if I am in the archive. But this is an awesome resource because, let's face it, your phone has a good camera.  Organizing files– For knowing what documents I have from which archive, which one has been OCRed, etc, I use online AirTable. It's a database software but SO MUCH easier to use than access. And it looks nice. And it's free. And online.  Organizing research– A Gantt Chart. Always. How to make a good Gantt chart? Look up GanttTeam.com or something like that. I have planned my research plus the tasks for each time.  Misc: I always have a copybook, pens, and color markers on my desk, including highlighters. I often make graphic notes for prepping for lectures and I need color for that. Also, writing by hand makes your mind process your thoughts differently than typing so I always resort to hand and paper when stuck. My "drafts" notebook is full of postits, bubbles, highlights that look like a mess, but made sense to me at some point! Finally, I have page markers all over the place: my desk at home, my bag, my office in school, my pencilcase... You cannot have enough of these! 
Furniture: My first year I lived in a furnished apartment and bought a bookcase like many suggested here. On my second year, I bought this bookcase-desk combo on craiglist. Actually, the "little" bookcase on one end of the desk was the one I had before and I put it next to the big one as a bed-side table (my room is pretty small). The desk + big bookcase + office chair were like $100. Oh yeah, invest on a good chair. The guy also gave me his desk lamp . So never underestimate Craiglist for a good buy! On this topic: many schools have an office that manage furniture and many sell their old furniture really cheap, look for those. Also, ask your department to contact you with people that are leaving/graduating to see what they do with their furniture (we "inherited" a lot form older students: bedframes, side tables, washer/dryer). 
Finally, I am happy to answer any questions! All the best to new students!!!!!!  
AP
 

I'm really happy to be in solidarity with someone at least... all those green signature lines are killing me softly. Now... should I move to Mexico and learn Spanish next year or move to the Alaskan bush and learn to hunt? (These are places I can hide/escape my shame)

Yes, so much this!
People make it sound like getting into graduate school is guaranteed - like I had just as much of a chance of getting into Cornell as I did getting into my local community college right after high school. My parents didn't go to college so I know they're proud but I don't think they realize just how much work it was... my professors here on the other hand were literally jumping up and down with me when I got into Cornell! I bet that if you're telling people who have gone through the process, you will be gazed at in awe!
That's part of the reason why I love this community so much. You get it! The happiness I get from hearing that some of you got into your top choices is much larger than I would ever expect to feel about Internet strangers

I still haven't told everyone. People at uni know, so do my parents and 2 other friends. More people know I was going through the process but not what the outcome is. I'm keeping it quiet until I have the visa organised. Once I have that, you won't be able to stop me shouting from the rooftops!

As above - for those who have got in and just need to discuss all things joining grad school in a friendly, supportive place

This thread was a great idea. I always feel bad about celebrating in the other thread amongst the "I'm doomed" posts.

Agreed. And while my small team plans out their vacations, counting on the fact that I'll be there... I'm like "Nah, it's cool, I don't have any vacations planned past July....." ...except a permanent one.

All,
I was recently accepted to a program that is pressuring me to decide this week whether or not to accept their offer. If I don't make a decision by then I will forfeit my spot and they will start contacting people on their waitlist.
I've heard back from 5/11 programs. All acceptances, except this is the first program from the top of my list. I don't want to forfeit my spot but I also want to be able to able to consider all my options, especially since I have yet to hear back from most of my top programs. I think it is totally unfair for a school to expect a decision only a WEEK after offering admissions. I know the April 15th deadline is not binding, but even if a school doesn't recognize that date they should still respect their applicants enough to give them enough time to make an informed decision and not force them into a game of chance. (Anyone else had this problem? Seems like it should be illegal). I plan on accepting the offer, while being prepared to retract my acceptance if something more appealing pops up. Not sound ethics, I know, but aside from some guilt on behalf of the waitlistees, I don't feel too bad for playing with the program since they made me feel played with. My real frustration lies with the whole application process, which needs to be fixed somehow so that applicants and programs aren't forced to play chess with each other.
Anyway, my question comes down to this: I know there are no legal consequences to retracting an acceptance, but are there any other consequences? i.e. pissing off the program so much they start a smear campaign or, like, a permanent stain that will affect my whole academic career? Basically I'm trying to determine whether I'm committing the gravest of sins or if this is just something normal that happens all the time. Also, just wanted to rant into the internet. Any advice/ general comments on the situation would be appreciated. Thanks.

"Got a rejection but then got hit by a milkshake that was thrown from a moving car. Help put things in perspective."

ummm...oh my god.
oh my god.
I got accepted to my top choice with full funding & moving costs.
oh my god.
The #1 school in the world for what I want to do wants me.  
is this real?

GUYS! I was accepted to another school! This one is waiving out-of-state tuition (making this school much cheaper than the other I was accepted to so far) plus giving me a stipend that will cover the tuition with a few extra thousand to spare. Cost of living is much lower at this school, as well. Plus it is a few hours drive from home rather than across the country. Downside is that the school isn't as "prestigious" as my other acceptance though that doesn't matter that much to me personally. One more school to go, but the fact that I could manage to attend a school close to home might be too tempting to pass up. The last school I am waiting on is also across the country, but if I'm accepted is likely to give me better funding. AHH! 

Well I'm honestly surprised, but also not surprised. MSU rejection rolled in today, despite having a pretty great interview (or so I thought). I wonder if perhaps they just didn't think I was a good fit. Either way, there goes what I had assumed to be my best shot.
I guess I'll be figuring out how to improve things for next cycle. Can't wait to be unmarried at 29 and starting a PhD.

@pinkdragonslayer76 @ChrisTOEFert @hippyscientist @marycaryne Thanks everyone for the sympathy and kind words. I did get waitlisted this morning from Florida State, one of my top choices, so that is something to be excited about! Takes the sting of rejection away for a bit.  Happy Friday!

LOL oh no!! 

Jesus. The carelessness is bordering on sadism. What a mindfuck.

Not sure, but I've got some travelling musical friends based out of San Miguel de Allende that I would likely follow around
AK would be somewhere I've lived before. If I get rejected (or maybe even if I accepted??), I'm leaning toward the new experience.
Agreeeeeed. Life as a PhD candidate might be challenging, but I'd rather be challenged than aimless (and harshly reminded of my own overestimation of my abilities/potential) any day.
Dude. I hate "you'll get in". So. Much. .....great, so now all my friends and family think I'm just being humble but they might be about to realize that I actually am underqualified, over-reaching and not as smart as they think I am. (Oh my god, sorry. That was a lot of anxiety in one sentence. I need to go find a puppy to pet.)
 
Maybe I should sign off the Grad Cafe for the next 15 days or so?! Stop willfully riddling myself with anxiety?? 

Not sure, but I've got some travelling musical friends based out of San Miguel de Allende that I would likely follow around
AK would be somewhere I've lived before. If I get rejected (or maybe even if I accepted??), I'm leaning toward the new experience.
Agreeeeeed. Life as a PhD candidate might be challenging, but I'd rather be challenged than aimless (and harshly reminded of my own overestimation of my abilities/potential) any day.
Dude. I hate "you'll get in". So. Much. .....great, so now all my friends and family think I'm just being humble but they might be about to realize that I actually am underqualified, over-reaching and not as smart as they think I am. (Oh my god, sorry. That was a lot of anxiety in one sentence. I need to go find a puppy to pet.)
 
Maybe I should sign off the Grad Cafe for the next 15 days or so?! Stop willfully riddling myself with anxiety?? 

Wow, I don't even know how I would react to that. Maybe a response that's equally inappropriate such as "kthxbai"? Ok not really...but still, I wouldn't be very happy to see something like that.