jujubea

It is basically agonizing. A-GON-IZ-ING!

I am DYING making my decision right now. If you happen to feel compelled to assist, I just posted "Turning away from fellowship?" in the "Decisions, Decisions" area... My fiance and I are throwing our hands up in the air unable to see the "best" way forward. What I keep trying to remind myself is that what matters is that I got in anywhere, and that regardless, I will be attending grad school next fall! And that feels great!

Couple tips: Lime juice and lemon juice can really help bolster the type of kick you may be looking for in Thai-style curries. I go through TONS of lime juice when I cook Thai. Like Takeru and others have said, heating up the peppers first can help release some of their spicy goodness. Include the pepper seeds in whatever you're cooking - sometimes that's where all the spicy lives. You didn't ask, but here are some tips for dealing with/handling spicy peppers: Gotta use gloves when you chop those peppers! Even if the pepper itself doesn't seem "hot," the oils can literally burn your skin (chemical burns! OUCH!). Milk somehow neutralizes capsaicin burns. If it's on your hands, soak your hands in a bowl of milk. If you stupidly rub your eye like I did once, pour milk in your eye... so crazy, but it's true. Something about the fats I think. For in your mouth, milk again, but this time add a little honey or sugar. One time at a restaurant I mistook a Bird Pepper for a piece of okra and crunched it up whole in my mouth. Waterfalls of snot and tears literally just gushed out of me involuntarily (thank heaven I wasn't on a date or fancy dinner or something). The server apparently had seen this before: he ran over with a bowl to catch my, ahem, "delivery" out of my face, and opened a sugar packet and told me to pour it in my mouth across my tongue and close it. With much reservation, I did, and voila! The pain almost immediately began subsiding.

I have a seemingly impossible decision to make, and I could really use some thoughts - however brief. One of the biggest things standing out in my (selfish) mind, is that only one school has offered me a fellowship (actually, TWO fellowships)... and I am not sure whether it is justified to turn that offer down, despite the incredible hardship my family would face if we were to go there. Decision making for a family is insanely complicated - I could really really use some insights, advice, opinions (snarky or otherwise) about how to view these options.... If it makes any difference, my (step)kids will be starting and finishing high school as I start and finish the bulk of my own program. And, me and my spouse are the primary parents of our kids; their bio-mom left them when they were preschool/kindergarten age, and sees them 1-2 days every 6 weeks or so. Unfortunately on paper they share 50-50 custody (which is part of the ongoing custody issue mentioned in the various factors below). ANY and ALL insights would be SO appreciated! School #1: PROS Offered two different prestigious fellowships which together cover two years Also offered a year and a half of guaranteed TA'ing after that Highest stipend amount offered (highest by over $10k!) Dream school for me, my interests, and specialty Specialty is up-and-coming in importance (but extremely niche, CON) Continued foreign language studies as part of the program, which neither of the other schools has Highest ranked school I applied to Top 5-10 in its field 30 overall I would not have to re-apply for the PhD (joint MA/PhD program) Many faculty I would be interested in working with (more than #2, and same as #3) Same distance as our current location to our kids' bio-mother Better than school 2, but worse than school 3, in terms of likelihood of a custody court case getting dragged out Closer to my family Close to an international airport (our kids may sometimes have to fly to visit their bio-mom) CONS Hardest for my spouse to transfer his license Hardest for my spouse to support us financially, because of the inordinately high cost of living Hard (but not hardest) for my spouse to fly back and forth between existing business and new place while establishing practice Location we are least likely to want to stay in after I graduate .... so buying a house wouldn't feel worth it (and renting feels like a waste of money!) Based on above, would also be a waste for my spouse to invest in establishing a new practice Would be a terrible commute for me (close to 90 minutes each way, with traffic) School charges FULL tuition at ABD stages Very likely for custody case to get dragged out (meaning spouse flying back and forth for court dates, spending thousands if not tens of thousands on lawyers' fees; also possibility of our family's temporary separation up to a year) Location where we would actually live does not fit too well with our lifestyle We'd have to take a second mortgage to afford the down payment on a house there School #2: PROS Offered TA-ship guaranteed for two years Two years tuition remission guaranteed Was offered a minimal scholarship "bonus" as a top candidate Funding amount is higher than School #3, but lower than school 1 (by $10k) School is about 40 in its field About 40 overall I would learn a unique skill as part of my training that I love, which neither of the other schools has This skill is a relatively "harder" skill than either of the other programs provides Even though language training is not part of the program, the language is at least offered at the school, and in the community There is another very good school in the city in case I want to attend a different program for the PhD Whole family loves the location Me and my spouse have considered staying there very long term Not as hard as school #1 for my spouse to transfer his license Employment options a little bit better for spouse overall than at School #1 Lifestyle of the location fits us very well Cheapest flights to the kids' bio-mom (even cheaper than where we are now) CONS Could potentially be the worst custody-case situation, potentially costing tens of thousands, and/or causing our family's temporary separation (at least one year) Twice as far from the kids' bio-mom by car (13 hours), so flying would be mandatory, and thus by frequency, costly (this distance is also the reason for the above point) Costs the most of all three places for my fiance to fly back and forth during first year while establishing his new practice I have to reapply after the master's to continue on to the PhD I do not get along well with the existing cohort (that's silly to say, because actually I can and do get along with anyone, it's just they aren't the type of people I would choose to hang out with, given the choice; lots of immaturity and fresh out of undergrad) Least diverse student body at all levels Only two or three faculty I really want to work with (that I know of so far) No fellowship "Bonus" scholarship is not a "named" or recognized scholarship, so not sure if it would carry any weight on the CV Far from both sides of our family Language is not part of the program Less teaching freedom than #3 School #3 PROS Offered one year TA-ship and tuition remission (but see CONS below...) Tons of faculty I want to work with (almost as many as #1) In its sub-sub-field, it is considered (unofficially) as a top 5 school (see specialization point below) Offers a specialization that I love and am passionate about that is not at either of the other schools (it is also an up-and-coming specialty that is not commonly found elsewhere yet) Due to above, higher employment potential than #1 (I am guessing, and based on academic job searches: 3-4 times as many job openings in this field as in #1's field) I love the students and the faculty there - I've even made friends with a few since visiting, we communicate frequently Most diverse student body at all levels (ethnically, age, experience, family/single, sexual orientations, everything) Most teaching freedom of all three schools (I would be sole instructor for my TA classes) Spouse does not have to transfer license Extremely easy for him to travel back and forth for the business No change in distance from kids' bio-mom Little possibility of continued custody case (due to remaining in same state as current location) CONS No TA-ship nor tuition remission for second year (it is not impossible, but I have to apply for and find it) Absolute lowest stipend amount If I do find a second year TA-ship, it 50/50 does/does not include tuition remission, and it would take 2/3 of the stipend to cover it myself I have to reapply to continue on to PhD No options for going to different program or school for PhD No one in the family wants to go there, except my spouse, for ease of his work In field, sometimes ranked about 40-50 Overall, not ranked, or sometimes ranked between 150-200 (and sometimes people have never heard of the school, even though it's an R1) No scholarship or fellowship (and available ones through the school, I am not eligible for) There is no foreign language as part of the program, nor is the language offered anywhere in the school or community

Congratulations!!! How about UPenn? Any flexibility on that visit day? If not, which one do you feel more unsure about (not the most excited about, but the one you really don't know about)? That's the one I'd attend.

Glad to hear I'm not the only one doing this...

If it were only my husband I would be leaving, I'd probably do it. Unfortunately I have kids to consider also... can't leave those pups behind! EDIT to clarify: it would be extremely, extremely agonizing to be without my beau... and I would NOT make the decision lightly... but, we worked through a long distance relationship between Asia and the US before. 9 hours seems like nothing compared to that...

I've been in the same boat for about two months... absolutely agonizing. I finally got word last night about $$$ and it has really only complicated things!

You guys have so much helpful knowledge and wisdom. Thank you for sharing!

Funding info came in from UCSB last night. Two different fellowships and a TAship amounting to 3-4 years of guaranteed funding for a combined MA/PhD (this is my outlier in Religious Studies). Unfortunately, the good schools for my kids in a place we could MAYbe afford would mean an hour and a half or two hour commute for me, one way.. This is SO much harder with a family.. It'd be a clear winner otherwise, and I hate thinking that

Argh, sorry king..

Sorry I can't help, but this sounds so interesting!

I ask this because the current students and incoming students at each of my three choices are very, very different. At one school, I am basically friends with several of the existing students because my visit went so well, and we got along so well. The incoming cohort sounds on par with what I've already seen - diverse in age, ethnic backgrounds, life experiences, nationalities, and very collegial. At another school, I did not "click" as well with the existing students, and did not keep in touch with them after the visit. They were all much younger, most had not been outside of school (jumped straight from ugrad to grad), and were not apparently diverse in the ways mentioned above. On top of that, I emailed the other people who have been accepted to this program for the Fall, just to strike up a conversation and share some insights or ideas. .....Not a single person replied, even after a follow up email. At the third school, I also clicked with a couple of the students, and am in touch with an incoming student. While I wouldn't say the relationships are as great as the first school, they're lightyears better than the second. Obviously my decision-making isn't entirely based on this, but I'm wondering how much weight I should be giving these differences. I'm entering at the MA level but will be continuing to the PhD (most likely) wherever I go. Thanks for your opinions and advice!!!

One of mine's conditional based on them receiving my official transcripts (I only uploaded scanned copies).

Just one thought for now : your multiple languages are a huge asset - especially if you can find a way to work multilingualism into your research interests and area of focus.

Expecting funding info from UCSB (religious studies) either today or tomorrow... I'll be able to eliminate or include them in my choices based on it!

Wow congratulations!

Very exciting...!!!

Sorry if you guys already know this or it isn't helpful but, not everybody who's going to be accepted will get interviewed at some programs. Maybe that's the case for you guys, too?

..grumble. Sorry kingsxrocks.

Hi mngrue - it looks like it's all over the board. How were you notified of the fellowship award?

Haha haha. Omg congrats

Lol

Congratulations

Yay! Wow! Congratulations!