jujubea

Leisure activities are crucial for the human mind...they actually increase one's work productivity. The optimal ratio of work to leisure varies a lot between individuals. I start to see diminishing returns in my work after a just a couple of hours, so I prefer to intersperse my work with leisure activities throughout the day.
 
Philosophically, I am something of a hedonist. Life is not worth living without pleasure. I do desire more than just pleasure - what is often called self-actualization - but that is only relevant if it is enjoyable. I'm not willing to suffer for many years just based on the premise that someday, hopefully I will be happy. That is a fruitless endeavor because when you finally achieve your goals, you'll wonder what happened to the time. You'll wish you had stopped to smell the roses. You'll wish you had actually lived in the present moment, rather than treating everything as a preamble to the future.

GRE is a joke. I seriously hope you don't have trouble with that exam.
If you need to "study" hard for the GRE, that means you are probably not cut out for grad school. Instead of studying, you should read more and think quantitatively to improve your mind functions so you naturally increase GRE AND IQ at the same time, which is a lot more useful then preparing for one test.

My favorites from here!:
 
 
That, plus "First class master" Bahahahaha. 
 
Yessss
 
 
Yessss

I love your signature. So candid!

Oh....nothing major...
Planning my wedding, getting married, and going on a honeymoon
Looking for high schools for the kids
Looking for homes to rent or buy that are big enough for all of us but not so expensive we can't afford it... (impossible in CA...)
Going through the lending process for a mortgage
Getting the house ready to put up on the market, and actually putting the house up on the market (so deep cleaning; fixing crap; painting over other crap; staging; and photos)
Helping my new stepkids prepare for the transition
Packing up the house
Garage sale or two
Finish editing three awesome books (for my clients! yikes!)
Teaching myself French
Perhaps begin studying Classical Chinese
Going on a couple visits to Santa Barbara, including one official recruitment visit, and at least one home-hunting visit
Cutting my hair and dying it a crazy color (after the wedding; I can't wait; I'm considering going Fifth Element style)
 
...you know... the usual...

Few ideas here:
 
1. It's not that you aren't qualified to be an administrative assistant, it's that you're overqualified. People do not want to hire clearly overqualified candidates because they know that person is just waiting around for something better. They'd rather invest in someone long-term.
 
2. It's best to do something even tangentially related to what you want to be doing. Otherwise you're kind of going backwards. Retail's not a good idea, unless with your crim justice degree you're thinking about becoming a loss prevention officer or coordinator or manager or something. Since you're taking lowest-level jobs anyways, why not go work low-level in a social organization of some kind? A non-profit that works on reducing recidivism, or that works with those already imprisoned to help them prepare for life after jail? Such places would take you on as an administrative assistant, because they know you want to be in their field.
 
3. If you can't work somewhere even remotely related, or even if you can, you might also try volunteering somewhere related. For example, there is a nationwide network of organizations that do something called victim-offender reconciliation. Why not become a volunteer mediator there? Or volunteering for a juvenile offender program as a tutor or mentor? Or try interning at a PD instead of becoming a PO. You can also look at the Sheriff's Office not just the PD, and you can also look at the PD training facilities. 
 
4. Reach out to someone in the field who is doing what you want to do. Perhaps that's a Deputy in the field; perhaps that's a researcher profiling criminals; whatever it is, take the time to craft a well thought e-mail and reach out to someone letting them know you're looking for a mentor or at least some short-term guidance.
 
5. Have you thought about going overseas for work? What about being a research at an overseas university? Many countries are developing their police department and security services to come up to higher standards. I'm sure they can use some of your help and expertise. 
 
What do you want to be doing?
What are some of your dream jobs?

Oh....nothing major...
Planning my wedding, getting married, and going on a honeymoon
Looking for high schools for the kids
Looking for homes to rent or buy that are big enough for all of us but not so expensive we can't afford it... (impossible in CA...)
Going through the lending process for a mortgage
Getting the house ready to put up on the market, and actually putting the house up on the market (so deep cleaning; fixing crap; painting over other crap; staging; and photos)
Helping my new stepkids prepare for the transition
Packing up the house
Garage sale or two
Finish editing three awesome books (for my clients! yikes!)
Teaching myself French
Perhaps begin studying Classical Chinese
Going on a couple visits to Santa Barbara, including one official recruitment visit, and at least one home-hunting visit
Cutting my hair and dying it a crazy color (after the wedding; I can't wait; I'm considering going Fifth Element style)
 
...you know... the usual...

Oh no, I think I used a total of perhaps 7. Including 3 all at once... after the word "excited"....
 
...But i AM!!!!!!!

We're going to school #1, UCSB..........
 
Between the fellowships (more time I'll have with my kids, potentially, and less stress potentially) for the first couple years, the equi-distance as we are now from the kids' bio-mom, moving closer to family in California (on all sides), and the fact that when I originally went to apply to grad school, this was the only program I was going to apply to.... and I got in.... with flying colors.
 
To be honest, one of the things we (me and my beau) also really latched onto from your guys' advice above was, if it's going to suck and be really hard financially and custodially no matter where we go, we may as well choose UCSB.
 
It was incredibly difficult to decide between #1 and #2 in the end, but, we realized how much harder it was going to be to make school #2 happen (due to the court battles), for not too many more gains. 
 
What's fascinating is now that the tables are turned in our relationship, and my fiance is making the major sacrifice this time instead of me, I understand his reactions when I was doing the sacrificing last year. A tearful speechlessness and disbelief: you love me this much that you'd be willing to risk all that, and work that hard, and make this happen? Definitely one of the most humbling experiences in my life.
 
Thanks everyone for your opinions and insights. It really helped us rethink certain negatives and positives, and to view the entire situation from a different, and healthier, angle.
 
The commute will not be fun though, no matter which way you look at it!!!

You deserve a medal.
Straight up.

Lol!
 
I am having some really WEIRD reactions to having decided!!!
 
I think a lot of it is early signs of impostor syndrome...
But also sheer disbelief that this is how things turned out, and this is what we're actually doing... because it seemed the most impossible and out of reach...
And protecting myself from disappointment ... like going on to accept the offer and then realizing I read it wrong, that I'm actually waitlisted or the money is conditional or or or I don't know what... or if I say that this is where I'm going then the whole application season and rounds are over.... and I almost can't come to grips with that!!!
 
I feel like I'm going crazy!
 
I'm going to UCSB!!!!!!!!! To learn French and Classical Chinese and become a Religious Studies Fellow.....! This whole time I truly believed we'd end up at Boulder or UNM and I'd do Comm (and I guess I might still at UCSB since they're so interdisciplinary).
 
It's ironic because you guys are my gradcafe family! I've only made a handful of posts in the Religious Studies threads ... haha! 
 
I can't believe it!!!! Maybe posting it will help make it feel real!!!

This is 100% false. Wanting something for yourself is not selfish. Wanting something at the expense of others is. Grow up. 

I was surprised by how important visits are... some schools are terrible at keeping websites updated. 

you guys..... i think our family has made a decision................

Lol!
 
I am having some really WEIRD reactions to having decided!!!
 
I think a lot of it is early signs of impostor syndrome...
But also sheer disbelief that this is how things turned out, and this is what we're actually doing... because it seemed the most impossible and out of reach...
And protecting myself from disappointment ... like going on to accept the offer and then realizing I read it wrong, that I'm actually waitlisted or the money is conditional or or or I don't know what... or if I say that this is where I'm going then the whole application season and rounds are over.... and I almost can't come to grips with that!!!
 
I feel like I'm going crazy!
 
I'm going to UCSB!!!!!!!!! To learn French and Classical Chinese and become a Religious Studies Fellow.....! This whole time I truly believed we'd end up at Boulder or UNM and I'd do Comm (and I guess I might still at UCSB since they're so interdisciplinary).
 
It's ironic because you guys are my gradcafe family! I've only made a handful of posts in the Religious Studies threads ... haha! 
 
I can't believe it!!!! Maybe posting it will help make it feel real!!!

We're going to school #1, UCSB..........
 
Between the fellowships (more time I'll have with my kids, potentially, and less stress potentially) for the first couple years, the equi-distance as we are now from the kids' bio-mom, moving closer to family in California (on all sides), and the fact that when I originally went to apply to grad school, this was the only program I was going to apply to.... and I got in.... with flying colors.
 
To be honest, one of the things we (me and my beau) also really latched onto from your guys' advice above was, if it's going to suck and be really hard financially and custodially no matter where we go, we may as well choose UCSB.
 
It was incredibly difficult to decide between #1 and #2 in the end, but, we realized how much harder it was going to be to make school #2 happen (due to the court battles), for not too many more gains. 
 
What's fascinating is now that the tables are turned in our relationship, and my fiance is making the major sacrifice this time instead of me, I understand his reactions when I was doing the sacrificing last year. A tearful speechlessness and disbelief: you love me this much that you'd be willing to risk all that, and work that hard, and make this happen? Definitely one of the most humbling experiences in my life.
 
Thanks everyone for your opinions and insights. It really helped us rethink certain negatives and positives, and to view the entire situation from a different, and healthier, angle.
 
The commute will not be fun though, no matter which way you look at it!!!

We're going to school #1, UCSB..........
 
Between the fellowships (more time I'll have with my kids, potentially, and less stress potentially) for the first couple years, the equi-distance as we are now from the kids' bio-mom, moving closer to family in California (on all sides), and the fact that when I originally went to apply to grad school, this was the only program I was going to apply to.... and I got in.... with flying colors.
 
To be honest, one of the things we (me and my beau) also really latched onto from your guys' advice above was, if it's going to suck and be really hard financially and custodially no matter where we go, we may as well choose UCSB.
 
It was incredibly difficult to decide between #1 and #2 in the end, but, we realized how much harder it was going to be to make school #2 happen (due to the court battles), for not too many more gains. 
 
What's fascinating is now that the tables are turned in our relationship, and my fiance is making the major sacrifice this time instead of me, I understand his reactions when I was doing the sacrificing last year. A tearful speechlessness and disbelief: you love me this much that you'd be willing to risk all that, and work that hard, and make this happen? Definitely one of the most humbling experiences in my life.
 
Thanks everyone for your opinions and insights. It really helped us rethink certain negatives and positives, and to view the entire situation from a different, and healthier, angle.
 
The commute will not be fun though, no matter which way you look at it!!!

Whether you can go three days a week depends entirely on when courses are offered. In my PhD program, it would have been possible, theoretically, if you only took 2 seminars and then attended the weekly colloquium. But, that would definitely mean sacrificing in terms of the socializing, informal discussions, etc., and it would make meeting with one's advisor or other professors more difficult. My program did its best to accommodate childcare needs or commute schedules when arranging TA assignments, so I'd definitely find out now, before going, if the programs you're interested in are willing to do that. I say this because my second year, I was TA for a large lecture that met twice a week and had discussion sections on various other days. We were required to attend both lectures, teach 4 discussion sections, and there was a weekly course meeting for all the TAs. Because of the scheduling of my own coursework, the sections I was the TA for were on a third day of the week. Add in my grad seminars, and I was required to be on campus four days a week during much of my coursework. I think I only achieved the 3 day/week schedule after I'd finished my coursework.

I think ranking is very important to consider if you want to continue in academia as a professor.  It seems from everything I've read that doing so is much more possible coming from a top 10 program than a program ranked 40th.

I'm sorry that I have nothing actually insightful to add, but when I saw 90 minute commute with traffic each way, I was like "let me stop you right there..."
 
"Dream school" is all good and peachy, but could you really see yourself being happy commuting for 3 hours/day presumably approximately 5 days/week for the whole duration of a PhD?? I'm asking this as someone who commutes an hour each way (but I don't even have to drive since I've switched to the bus)... It can be a tremendous drain on your time, energy, and mood. Compounded with the fact that the cost of living is so high and your spouse would struggle the most there, this would be a dream I would let pass me by. 
 
Truthfully, I can't begin to weigh custody issues because it's something so removed from my own experiences and family is extremely personal. Either school 2 or 3 would be reasonable choices depending on that very personal factor and how confident you feel about getting external funding. 
 
Sounds like you've got a very tough choice on your hands. Good luck OP!
 
ETA: I also noticed but then promptly forgot about the full tuition at the ABD stages. Now I'm remembering because that's very important. Is this common in your field? If not, even though it might be a pro that the program would allow you to continue straight to PhD, that's not a PhD program I would want. Graduate tuition can be very expensive and the ABD stage can be lengthy. In a high COL area to boot, this prospect would be too stressful for me personally. Are the PhD programs at the other two school similar, or do they fund their PhD students for the duration of the degree? You sound like a very strong applicant, so having to reapply might not be a big obstacle for you...

Hm... I see a lot of these pros/cons having to do with financial costs associated with each place. If you could give a high and low estimate for what each thing would cost you annually ("thing" meaning flights, opportunity costs associated with your husband's work, custody battle costs, stipend, etc.) then you might be able to make a quantitative decision to start with. That would be a lot of math, but could be worthwhile, if you haven't done it already.
 
 
This makes a lot of sense to me. Since they all have lots of cons, you might as well go for the dream school.

Eek! Sounds like a complicated situation. Each option has its challenges. From my perspective, I would go with my heart and choose the first school, since that sounds like your best fit.
 
Have you asked or thought about delaying your admission by a year until the custody situation is resolved (or reapplying altogether)? Just a question, as I realize how intense the application process was and how eager you are to start on your grad work (I also applied to programs this cycle and I wouldn't wish repeating that on anyone!). Keep us updated with what you choose. Best of luck!

It is basically agonizing. 
 
A-GON-IZ-ING!

Congratulations!!!
 
How about UPenn? Any flexibility on that visit day?
 
If not, which one do you feel more unsure about (not the most excited about, but the one you really don't know about)? That's the one I'd attend.

I think your peer group is extremely important, but not necessarily your cohort- and the ways in which they're important aren't easily visible from the outset.
 
The people I rely most on for research advice, for working through projects, for mock interviews, for honest advice, and for future research collaborations are my cohort, and those a few years ahead and behind me. I spend as much time talking my research through with my peers as my PI and committee.
 
I think I would have done fine without a strong cohort, but with the cohort I had I'm coming out with very strong collaborative research ties to a couple of other students who stand a very good chance of landing R1 jobs, and that research network already being in place has been a huge boost to my research in general. None of us work in the same area, but we're all tangentially connected that collaborations are extremely fruitful.
 
That said, the people I'm closest to now, I would have really disliked had I met them at visiting weekends- we had no interests in common, we were all in pretty different places in life, and, to be honest, we were all pretty damn abrasive. I don't think we gelled until we'd been working together late nights/early mornings for a few months.
 
Some of the other peers I'm close to and rely on, aren't in my department- they're scattered around the University in similar research fields, with similar areas of interest to mine. Again, I wouldn't have met them interviewing, some of them I didn't really get to know until I started to branch out with my research a bit, several years in.
 
So your cohort matters, but how much you get along with them at this stage? I'd consider not particularly informative, sadly. You really have to trust that the faculty are hiring/admitting students with good backgrounds, solid personalities, and knowledge bases you can use.
 
This is also, like anything else, going to be field dependent. I spent a lot of hours a week in pretty close proximity to a large bulk of my peers. We share instruments, we share space, we eat a sizeable number of meals together. If I was not in a lab science, I think the situation might very well be different.