jm6394

Even though I'm yet to hear from NYU and UPenn (I mean, who HAS - both are implied rejects I suppose (congrats to the admits)), I'm considering the rejection I got from Columbia today as the final nail in the coffin for any further good news. Thinking about this as the end of my application cycle, I can't help but feel relieved - I have one solid acceptance to what has been my dream school since finishing my MA in 2018 (and my dream city since visiting in 2012). Now all I've got to do is visit next week, soak it in, and say yes. Not being Oxford or Cambridge educated, from a failing state secondary school, a "first generation scholar," I was convinced that this application cycle would be a complete bust for me. It turns out that all it takes is one offer to make the whole thing worth it (despite the imposter syndrome I have as a constant companion at the moment). Despite feeling crushed by all the rejection (my supervisor once told me that the experience of working in Academia is the experience of rejection, and keeps a stack of every rejection they ever got in their office), I feel like the luckiest little queer scholar who could. And it really was luck; I hope that you all get just as lucky very soon. x

I'm going to post a quick rant, which I'm writing for cathartic/therapeutic reasons. Don't take anything in it too seriously.
In office hours the other day, I let my thesis chair know that I was not having much luck this season. She made a remark to the effect of: "I regret having wasted the time writing you a letter." She phrased it in a comical way--we joke darkly with one another--so it wasn't as if she was intending to be hurtful. But it stung, because before now, I had only thought of how disappointing it would be for me if I were shut out--not that it would be a disappointment to all of the people who took time to write letters of recommendation, look over my writing sample, listen to me stress out, and so on. I've taken on some debt in the course of my MA; I've also worked harder and for longer than I ever have in my life (and I have been in some strenuous work situations; doing physical labor for sixteen hours a day six days a week actually didn't feel as difficult as some moments in my MA). This was the only goal I have been working toward for years--the prospect of getting shut out now makes me feel so foolish. I exhausted myself in full display of everyone I care about and respect and it's beginning to look as if I have failed nonetheless.
(What's even more aggravating is the fact that so many "radical" scholars are putatively opposed to hierarchy, while the Ph.D. admissions process is so clearly an orgy of fascination with prestige. Academics, once again, show themselves to be all theory and no praxis. I was rejected by all of the prestigious schools I applied to and waitlisted by all of the less-prestigious schools I applied to, leaving me to wonder if the extreme lack of prestige at my current institution was a deciding factor in admissions decisions--unless, of course, my writing sample was precisely good enough to grant me access to one realm of academia but not the other, which strikes me as a rather unlikely scenario.)
Edit: with an hour's time between me and this post, I can tell that there's a somewhat unpleasant element of ressentiment to the above post. Of course, if I get admitted off of the waitlist (or to Fordham, the last school I've applied to but haven't heard back from), you can count on a post from me to the effect of, "The system works!!!! If at first u don't succeed, try, try again!!" and so on. As Bo Burnham says, though, if someone wins the lottery, they're going to tell you to buy a ticket. 

Never had acne in my life and yet...pimples ever since my ACCEPTANCE. Wtf

On the day before my first campus visit to WashU, a conspicuous pimple decides to appear on my face. Love that for me. ?
 
 

Fresh batch of Columbia rejections today !!!! 

Thank you! And congrats on those amazing choices!!

Anyone who got into Penn, could you possibly let us know the time your email came? 

Also please just ignore me if I sound absolutely insane. 

Are any schools pressuring you to commit? Do not accept an offer if you have decisions pending (unless you know you would not accept, but even then, you could leverage the offer). Moving on and starting the process is enticing, but you don’t want to have any regrets about this situation. 

Congrats! 
 
off to check and recheck my email for a couple of hours now...

Some rejections for Columbia have been sent out (I just got mine) so check your inboxes if you are still waiting

A staff member at Columbia said that decisions will continue to roll out this week and next week. She encouraged me to consult the DGS, James Adams, for details specific to my application.

I emailed Columbia and Penn. No response from Columbia yet (I sent the email only a few minutes ago), but the staff member at Penn said that decisions will arrive by the end of this week. So close, but still so far away....

I’m eager to commit and looking for English DGS contact info for University of Maryland (also emailing NYU and Columbia)...not tolerating those lingering April rejections!
Edit: emailed Gershun Avilez at Maryland and a general contact at NYU. Think I’m chickening out on Columbia for now. 

On the subject of schools waiting forever to send out rejections, I'd like to take a moment to express my exasperation with NYU. I'm 9000% sure I'm rejected (and I have better offers, so I don't care!) but historically it appears they usually wait about six weeks after sending out acceptances before sending rejections, which makes no sense to me!

I just want to thank everyone for their kind words after my last post. I spent an hour or so today talking with one of my professors in my MA program and she really made me feel a lot better. Like...yes, the tenure track job is a nightmare, but it's not the only option for folks with a PhD. I can teach at a private high school, work in publishing or grant writing, etc., and that to me would by no means be the end of the world. I'm also in game studies, so there's a chance I could end up with an industry job. (Of course, I'd love a tenure track job, but more than anything I want to make sure I can provide for my family first and foremost.) And I have options internationally, too; my partner is from Korea and we've talked about opening an English academy over there, which of course we'll have better prospects in doing if I have the PhD. Stony Brook has a fairly sizable Korean community and a developed Korean Studies program, too, and so my son will get to grow up exposed to that culture (we're already planning to raise him bilingual). 
Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know I'm doing much better now. Thank you again, and I wish everyone here the best of luck.

Between that Princeton rejection and silence on Rutgers' side, I think I will be capping the cycle at 4a/4r/1w. My decision falls to JHU vs. NYU, and I will be visiting both before making the choice. It's crazy how the acceptances did turn out to be my best fits/top choices, and JHU wasn't even put off by my terrible GRE subject test score taken in 2016 (for anyone applying in the future, don't worry too much about the subject test!). 
I was shut out last year while finishing my MA, including from NYU. Taking another year to polish my materials (a WS from my completed thesis, which is 100x better than last year's WS), knowing how best to articulate my ideas in the SoP, and getting better letters from my professors changed everything. With a job, I am also more financially prepared to make the move, and know for sure that a PhD is what I want to do. So to anyone who is applying right out of undergrad or MA and not getting the results you want, it may really be worth it to take a gap year, as you would be more prepared and knowledgeable about the process. 
If anyone has any knowledge about the programs at JHU or NYU, I would love to hear them! Thanks everyone for your advice and commiseration, and best of luck to those still waiting!

Okay immediately after that post Brown officially rejected me. I.........am okay with this. I thought I would be more upset, but I always knew deep down they wouldn’t want me that much and this means I 1) don’t have to move to Providence and 2) I don’t have to break up my relationship. So.....it’s okay.

agreed! Just got my rejection from Princeton and was weirdly relieved to get it. 
 
and also, if I didn't want to leave the door open to reapply at Columbia, I would totally withdrawal my application today to get to do the rejecting for once! 

Thank you for sharing this post. Academia is definitely a competitive field, but it is not the only field where you can find work after a PhD. I read your introductory post, and I'm also a first gen phd applicant. In terms of professionalization and securing a spot, the only recipe I can share is stay close to and work with people who will advocate for you, and have a good lines of communication with the grad center? I know it sounds basic, but it has gotten further than I would have by myself. 
On a personal note: I am reconsidering if a phd is right for me as well. Today, I turned to my Fall notes for inspiration. I kept asking myself what things about each program inspired me to apply. It has been a crazy month. It's okay to take a couple of days to reconsider your situation. We still have fifty days to make a decision (April 15). Ask former professors, reach out to current and former grad students in the next couple of weeks. What are they doing now? What are their thoughts about the program? There is time to think about all of these things. For now just breath. This process is overwhelming. You are doing better than you think. 

Another Monday in the longest month of human history.
In other news, I just graded an essay describing a French aristocrat in an early 18th-century portrait as a MILF.
 

Thinking about my post last night, and how frustrating this process of delayed rejections is because it really disrupts the necessary stages of acceptance/closure. For almost every school, you have to see people get acceptances and then wait an arbitrary amount of time to hear back. Besides invisible waitlists, is there any reason why schools don't send rejection notices at the same time as acceptances? For the past week, I've been stuck in the cycle of breaking down and then feeling like I need to suspend grief until things are officially over. Seems cruel esp. in the case of somewhere like Columbia where I didn't interview and so there shouldn't be any further review of my app going on. 

I was talking to one of my Classics professors about how my cycle was going during very early February and at the time I was kind of bummed out because I only had one offer but he told me that I should be thrilled because more and more frequently people are just getting shut out in all the humanities fields. He had actually gone to Amherst for his undergrad and was shut out the first round he applied and had to work a few years before reapplying and then got into Harvard along with a bunch of other top choices! I also have other profs who talked about being shut out their first cycle of applying but then eventually getting in so if you find yourself in that situation this year I don't think it's because your work is invalid or that you aren't smart enough. I won't say I know how any of you feel rn (because I don't and that would be insulting) BUT I do know people who have gone through the same situation and come out of it with a PhD and TT job (there are also people on this forum who did insanely well this year after getting shut out their first time and/or working in industry before applying). I hope that what y'all are seeing as reaches/implied rejections for the schools you have left turn out not to be and that you secure your spot somewhere but if not, just know that this does not have to be the end of the road for academia for you unless you want it to be. 
 
If any of y'all want to vent or anything like that you can DM me and I will send you my number if you want to talk and get it all out to a complete stranger. I'm hoping for better news for a lot of y'all going into next week!

I’ve been lurking on here a while and was not going to create an account but here I am lol. Solidarity to everyone else who got shut out; I have so far only been on one waitlist  My undergrad uni was really competitive and it’s hard to see all of their successes both in academia and on other career paths; as happy as I am for them I can’t help but feel like a failure in comparison. Especially since the only thing I see myself doing is academia and this round has been so rough for me. It’s like getting ghosted by someone you thought you were in love with. Taking a deep breath and getting ready for (probably) the next cycle!

Yea Columbia. I didn't have an interview, but am getting sort of mixed messages about what that means. If a subfield was only accepting people from interview it seems strange that they wouldn't have already rejected us? I'm expecting a rejection because I didn't interview, but would just like to know either way. It seems cruel to have a list of confirmed rejections for a good number of weeks and just not saying anything. I guess this whole process is cruel, though.

My skin has been atrocious even still after getting the one acceptance I wanted. Stress does NOT leave the body in a timely manner