kaister

I think you're fully aware of the costs, and only you can weigh them against the benefits of being with your partner. I know people who have done this and been successful. The key for them seemed to be finding a supportive environment where they went and still having the support network back home. So for those who went to a location where there was a local department they could be a part of, they did that (usually unofficially). Sometimes they were even offered a desk in some common space, but even if not, they would come to talks and occasionally meet with someone. I think this is very important for staying connected with field and for having a routine for getting work done and not getting lost. If there is no one around, this becomes more difficult, but it's also where having supportive advisors comes in. If you are away, you need to have a system in place for staying in touch with your advisor(s). Some kind of understanding regarding e.g. timeline for reading drafts, Skype meetings (regular or on a case by case basis, as necessary and as works for you), how you will communicate and what to expect in terms of responsiveness (some people suck with email, for example, and if you're away you can't just hunt them down in their office so you need to figure this out before you leave. Maybe it's better to text them). At some point in your last year you just have to go in your cave and write like crazy, then finally emerge with a somewhat final product. This can be done on-site or remotely, if you ask me. It's harder to be away for the job market part of the year, but you can get started earlier than most, so you're able to have meetings in person as necessary, and I'm sure your advisors will agree to read your materials remotely. 
As for the job, unless you agree to a binding contract you absolutely can't break, I'd take it. You never know how things might turn out, and it'd be a shame to give up on what could be a good job for an entire year just because you are now planning to be away for the next. Maybe your partner will magically be able to join you, or you'll change your mind about going away. Is there no way that they can just train a replacement for you when you leave? (of course, you'll give them enough notice.)

I wasn't referring to you. I was talking to the person who said "fuck math." I was referring to the Humanities people who could care less about their lack of ability in math and who almost find it funny that they suck at math. I was saying a STEM (science, tech, engineering, math) person would be ridiculed for saying "fuck grammar" but it's funny when a Humanities person says "fuck math." Everyone in college is required to have some ability in grammar, spelling, punctuation, reading and writing. That person's comment annoyed me. That's all. I didn't mean to insult you or hijack your thread.

This is all great advice. Being in a similar situation I can offer some other insight as well...
 
I think even though I see myself maybe working a lot harder than other grad students in more established labs. I've definitely learned a lot more than others I've seen in my year or even some who are more advanced than me. This is because I have a lot of sole responsibility for upkeep of the lab and conducting research. Consequently it's put me in a frame of mind to get a lot of projects started and build collaborations early, similar to the goals my new PI. Sure maybe you may not have as much work to do if you're in an established lab but the flip side you might not realize is that you don't have as much opportunity for responsibility and ownership over things because an established lab may be running itself a lot easier. I don't mind the pressure, because I have ambitious goals and I like that it's forced me to get a lot done very early in my grad career. I know grad students who are in higher year level than me who are way less experienced or have less progress in their research program just because there is not this pressure and expectation to keep things running. 
 
So some may see this as a negative, but for me it was a positive. That said, my advisor also is a really good fit for my personality and I don't feel a pressure from them to do things I don't want. Even if there are things I may not want to do, I want to because I get along with my advisor so well and it's a give and take relationship, so I don't feel overworked. Just thought I'd put that perspective out there! Granted I know established labs also have amazing PIs with a lot of opportunity to work in a maybe more stable environment, so I'm sure that's also a great setting to accomplish ambitious goals as well. 

Couple notes (mainly for the peanut gallery)..
 
What a school advertises and promises can be vastly different from what actually happens. This includes funding and class availability and general "not being a total jerk" when it comes to advisers.
 
I had an adviser who expected me to work until 3am on a project in his garage at his condo across town despite it being against every rule and regulation at my school (not to work past 11pm, not to work off site and in particular not at the faculty's home). Sometimes they are just raging pricks.
 
A lot of this website is about wanting to get in, so if there's little bits of information that show up which clearly show that getting in is not a picnic, that it's not just hard classes but possibly impossible people and expectations, unfair treatment, and sometimes rampant abuse of the student and broken rules.. well.. people dreaming to get in don't want to see that and react adversely to the message and messenger.
 
"I wouldn't quit."
 
Yes you would, you'd quit when your adviser began to sexually harass you. You'd quit when arguments turned to shouting and then turned to throwing things. You'd quit when your health began to fail from stress. You'd quit when the faculty chose to ignore safety protocols and put your life in danger. You'd quit when ethics were treated like obstacles to funding. You'd quit when you were told to pass a student in your class, despite them obviously failing, because they were related to the dean.
 
Sometimes.. no, often, life is not a cakewalk served up on a silver spoon. People do tend to suck and it's only a matter or making the best of what crap you're presented with - and sometimes the "best" is to leave.
 
Let me know how confident you are that little problems can be glossed over and people are just too sensitive when you're read the riot act for being late because you were re-ended in route while the golden boy struts in even later than you (in the middle of your chewing out) and is praised for the tie he chose to wear.
 
These things have not all happened to me (thank god) but they have happened to people in graduate school.

I don't really like when people assume they've had the hardest life. I don't know what happened to you and I don't want you to tell me (this isn't a contest), but my parents were both drug addicts who died when I was young and I slept on the New York City trains as a kid. So when you come around here saying things that other people did to you when you were growing up justifies your negativity is a bit insulting. 
 
It also seems like you take things too personally. I'm known on GradCafe to come off as an asshole sometimes, and maybe my original comment was a bit rough, but I don't think it was as mean and unhelpful as you interpreted it to be. The reason I asked those questions was because I just have a hard time believing that everyone in your grad program hates you as much as you made it seem. These are educated and professional people. They don't accept students just to make their lives miserable. Usually when someone feels like the world is against them, I think either 1) it's all in their head, or 2) something about their personality rubs people the wrong way. 
 
And lastly, your attachment and resentment issues seem pretty serious and it makes me think that you would have a similar situation in any grad program. In my opinion, there are two ways to handle the situation: 1) Get the help you need before enrolling in a grad program. 2) Recognize that the grad program (and the people) isn't the problem, and separate your grad studies from your personal issues. 

Guys...on the grad results forum there are posts saying that applicants received NSF GRFP solicitations "requesting additional information in the form of a 1pg statement." This is new...What does this mean, lol? http://www.thegradcafe.com/survey/index.php?t=m&pp=250
 
I'm like:

http://www.number-2-pencil.com/2013/02/26/30-mug-recipes/
 
nom nom nom…I've only done the brownie and basic cake ones, but still good!!

I think you'll be fine answering the basic questions that any grad student will have (as mentioned above).
 
What might be important to consider is the questions YOU have for the grad student. Here's your chance to show you're serious, smart and ready for grad school. If I had a prospective student ask me no questions or not really sure what they needed to know, I wouldn't be impressed and maybe not take them seriously. However, if the student asked me smart questions like "How is your PI's mentoring style?" "What opportunities have you found for collaboration?" etc. I would be impressed and see that this person is serious about starting grad school and so forth. So..I recommend prepping a good list of questions for your grad student interviews. You can get a lot of useful info about the PI and department this way as well!

Aw man, I was so looking forward to reading people's hook-up stories in grad school. Unfortunately I don't have any as I've just started grad school otherwise I'd offer advice, but I have none.  
 
I think after dealing with undergrads and their stupidity (for the most part), that's an instant turn-off. I find it hard to meet other grad students outside of my department as I haven't seen any sort of grad mixers going on at my school. :/

Great thread. Not sure why some people think it's inappropriate to discuss. As liberal as academia generally is... really? Stop making grad school out to be some soul-crushing convent where different standards apply than to the rest of society. Professionalism is one thing, but geeze.

Aw man, I was so looking forward to reading people's hook-up stories in grad school. Unfortunately I don't have any as I've just started grad school otherwise I'd offer advice, but I have none.  
 
I think after dealing with undergrads and their stupidity (for the most part), that's an instant turn-off. I find it hard to meet other grad students outside of my department as I haven't seen any sort of grad mixers going on at my school. :/

Lol a PhD in bio and unable to protect yourself from an unplanned pregnancy... That a shame.

I'm a troll for calling someone out as irresponsible, which their actions prove. Ok then

I initially had planned to follow the mantra of "If we ignore her, perhaps she will stop commenting and go away."
 
I don't wish that Pinkster12 never gets an MSW.  As she mentioned, she already got into a program.  Furthermore, we were all 22 once and we all probably believed things that would embarrass us now.  She has 2 years in the program and then many years to grow and mature.  Perhaps one day she'll look back on this thread and feel ashamed of herself.  And perhaps she won't, but maybe she'll be an excellent counselor in several other ways.
 
I do want to address two things, though.  One - even when used correctly most of the time, condoms have a 14% failure rate and hormonal birth control pills, a 5% failure rate.  There are 3.2 million unintended pregnancies in the country every year - half of all pregnancies.  That means about 5% of women will have an unintended pregnancy in their lifetime. - if you have 10 female friends, 2 of them will likely have an unintended pregnancy at some point in their life.  And since a little less than half (48%) of those pregnancies occur in women who were using birth control consistently and correctly, one of those friends will have been on birth control when it happens.  That's not even including the women who were using birth control, but not perfectly.  So yes, they are THAT common.  I have a friend who got pregnant after she was sterilized!  And I know several women who got pregnant using IUDs, which have a less than 1% failure rate.  It happens.
 
In addition to that, many women who have abortions choose to tell no one about it or only a few friends.  My closest friends don't know about mine (I got pregnant...on birth control!); it happened before I even met them.  I didn't tell my college friends at the time either.  So it's entirely possible that some of your friends who you think have not gotten pregnant on birth control actually have and you just don't know it.
 
Two, there's nothing irresponsible about getting pregnant with a lower income.  The OP says that he owns a home and 2 vehicles with his partner, so I'm guessing that at the least they are middle-income.  They also have family support.  But furthermore, there are many many people in the world who live on very low incomes.  As a social worker, you will be working with them almost exclusively.  Everyone has the right to have children, and it is not at all helpful (especially as a future social worker) to tell those people that they should have been "more responsible," first of all since they often don't have the resources to be what you consider "responsible" (birth control requires access to a doctor, transportation to get there, and money for prescriptions; condoms require money and transportation too); second of all because the child is already here and can't be put back by your finger-wagging; and third and most importantly because there's nothing irresponsible about having children when you're poor.  Either way the OP needs help now, not five weeks ago.

Slut shaming? Lol omg I cannot win.
I had to clarify that I'm not going around sleeping with everyone in life because I'm sure the next comment someone would make if I didn't say that would be "oh you're having a lot of sex... Slut" I mean that's the first thing that would pop into someone's mine. Oh well I slut shame lol don't care.

I've been learning how to deal with this the past few months.  We have a bunch of undergraduate RAs, some are great, while others…echo the statement OP posted. It's frustrating and here's something of the things I've learned that maybe will help others:
 
1) Create an application process for undergrads who are interested in working with you.  It helps to weed out those who are just there to get "credit" and don't actually want to work and learn. You'd be surprise how easy it is to weed out the lazy students just by making an application where they have to fill in and articulate their thoughts.
 
2) TRUST YOUR GUT.  This is the biggest thing I've taken from this semester. I interview all my undergrad RAs before I take them on.  I had an uneasy feeling about two we took on this semester, turned out I was right, they were very unmotivated.  Left early or didn't show up for their hours, one eventually dropped out. When interviewing ask questions about what they're looking to gain out of the experience, etc and from their answers you can usually get a feel of what they're looking for, but trust your gut feeling.
 
3) Make it a requirement that they be able to devote good chunks of time (3-4 a day at least). Otherwise it's hard to gain meaningful experience.  When you start to take on new students, make this a requirement for the lab. I find that makes everything easier scheduling wise as well.
 
It's our job to teach them how research works and the responsibilities that come along with it. Try to give them a sense of ownership over things and that can often help make them more motivated to follow through with things. Also, address their behavior.  If an RA is not showing up or doing poor work, tell them.  In a very professional way of course.  Let them know you see what's going on and that you want them to re-engage in the lab, and that you want to make it known you see this happening.  You want to make it aware before it's too late not only to hopefully help them get on it, but also so they know for letters of recommendation. I assume most undergrads are doing this because they want experience and go to grad school.  Along with their grade for the research credit, dangle the idea of a good vs. bad letter of recommendation and hopefully that'll get them to shape up.
 
If all is lost and you try all these things and still no improvement, see if you can get new RAs.  I wouldn't keep a student like that on for the next semester.  I have a few I'm not letting stay on with us because of that.  I will allow people to "volunteer" but I won't let these type sign-up officially.
 
Despite all the bad that can come with it, mentoring can be really satisfying.  Eventually you'll get some RAs who are really motivated and are extremely helpful!

I've been learning how to deal with this the past few months.  We have a bunch of undergraduate RAs, some are great, while others…echo the statement OP posted. It's frustrating and here's something of the things I've learned that maybe will help others:
 
1) Create an application process for undergrads who are interested in working with you.  It helps to weed out those who are just there to get "credit" and don't actually want to work and learn. You'd be surprise how easy it is to weed out the lazy students just by making an application where they have to fill in and articulate their thoughts.
 
2) TRUST YOUR GUT.  This is the biggest thing I've taken from this semester. I interview all my undergrad RAs before I take them on.  I had an uneasy feeling about two we took on this semester, turned out I was right, they were very unmotivated.  Left early or didn't show up for their hours, one eventually dropped out. When interviewing ask questions about what they're looking to gain out of the experience, etc and from their answers you can usually get a feel of what they're looking for, but trust your gut feeling.
 
3) Make it a requirement that they be able to devote good chunks of time (3-4 a day at least). Otherwise it's hard to gain meaningful experience.  When you start to take on new students, make this a requirement for the lab. I find that makes everything easier scheduling wise as well.
 
It's our job to teach them how research works and the responsibilities that come along with it. Try to give them a sense of ownership over things and that can often help make them more motivated to follow through with things. Also, address their behavior.  If an RA is not showing up or doing poor work, tell them.  In a very professional way of course.  Let them know you see what's going on and that you want them to re-engage in the lab, and that you want to make it known you see this happening.  You want to make it aware before it's too late not only to hopefully help them get on it, but also so they know for letters of recommendation. I assume most undergrads are doing this because they want experience and go to grad school.  Along with their grade for the research credit, dangle the idea of a good vs. bad letter of recommendation and hopefully that'll get them to shape up.
 
If all is lost and you try all these things and still no improvement, see if you can get new RAs.  I wouldn't keep a student like that on for the next semester.  I have a few I'm not letting stay on with us because of that.  I will allow people to "volunteer" but I won't let these type sign-up officially.
 
Despite all the bad that can come with it, mentoring can be really satisfying.  Eventually you'll get some RAs who are really motivated and are extremely helpful!

I've been learning how to deal with this the past few months.  We have a bunch of undergraduate RAs, some are great, while others…echo the statement OP posted. It's frustrating and here's something of the things I've learned that maybe will help others:
 
1) Create an application process for undergrads who are interested in working with you.  It helps to weed out those who are just there to get "credit" and don't actually want to work and learn. You'd be surprise how easy it is to weed out the lazy students just by making an application where they have to fill in and articulate their thoughts.
 
2) TRUST YOUR GUT.  This is the biggest thing I've taken from this semester. I interview all my undergrad RAs before I take them on.  I had an uneasy feeling about two we took on this semester, turned out I was right, they were very unmotivated.  Left early or didn't show up for their hours, one eventually dropped out. When interviewing ask questions about what they're looking to gain out of the experience, etc and from their answers you can usually get a feel of what they're looking for, but trust your gut feeling.
 
3) Make it a requirement that they be able to devote good chunks of time (3-4 a day at least). Otherwise it's hard to gain meaningful experience.  When you start to take on new students, make this a requirement for the lab. I find that makes everything easier scheduling wise as well.
 
It's our job to teach them how research works and the responsibilities that come along with it. Try to give them a sense of ownership over things and that can often help make them more motivated to follow through with things. Also, address their behavior.  If an RA is not showing up or doing poor work, tell them.  In a very professional way of course.  Let them know you see what's going on and that you want them to re-engage in the lab, and that you want to make it known you see this happening.  You want to make it aware before it's too late not only to hopefully help them get on it, but also so they know for letters of recommendation. I assume most undergrads are doing this because they want experience and go to grad school.  Along with their grade for the research credit, dangle the idea of a good vs. bad letter of recommendation and hopefully that'll get them to shape up.
 
If all is lost and you try all these things and still no improvement, see if you can get new RAs.  I wouldn't keep a student like that on for the next semester.  I have a few I'm not letting stay on with us because of that.  I will allow people to "volunteer" but I won't let these type sign-up officially.
 
Despite all the bad that can come with it, mentoring can be really satisfying.  Eventually you'll get some RAs who are really motivated and are extremely helpful!

Dear Undergrad,
 
If you're unable to commit a minimum of 10 hrs/week in a lab please don't even bother to show up. I don't want you here even if you're just a volunteer.
 
My research progress is more valuable than your research credit. 
 

Don't say something racist. DON'T. White bear white bear white bear.

False. A lot of people who posted (myself included) were NOT in "a relationship at 23." People have given you PLENTY of great advice on this thread (and the other one that you've been posting in), and you keep finding excuses to disregard it because bottom line is, PEOPLE ARE NOT TELLING YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR.
 
I'm just going to be blunt, because sugarcoating obviously isn't working. You're very, VERY naive. You're naive about grad school, about relationships, about friends, about marriage, about children, and about the job market. You're also incredibly judgmental of anyone who would not make the same decisions as you. The comments you wrote about your aunt, who seems to be living a great life on her own terms, are despicable. You have NO reason to feel sorry for her... she is a grown up who is living the life SHE wants to live. She is accomplished. You are not. She is happy. You are not. She has different priorities, as do many other people. That doesn't make her deserving of pity... in fact, she deserves your admiration and respect, neither of which she appears to have. What a shame.   Contrary to what you keep claiming, people CAN and DO find happiness after the age of 30. Also, marrying BEFORE 30 does not guarantee happiness. In fact, marriage doesn't guarantee happiness, period. I thought I married a good guy at 28. I was wrong. I had to get divorced at 33. No kids. By your standards, I should have just jumped off a bridge. Instead, I rebuilt my life. I met someone new, remarried, quit my job and started grad school. IN MY 30s. WITH GRAYING HAIR. I wasn't quite ready to go sit on the rocking hair to which your sexist and ageist standard would have confined me. My parents got divorced just a few years ago. You think my mom is sitting at home knitting baby socks? No. She is living her life, and is HAPPY.  
You want people on here to tell you that within the next year you will meet a great guy through people in finishing school grad school, you'll plan your wedding, and when you graduate you will settle down to play housewife for the next couple of decades with this great guy who will be paying all your bills, at which point you will be available to work as a way to ease your empty nest syndrome with skills and knowledge that you picked up a generation before. 
 
You've also said you expect that your friends/roommates/classmates will play the role of potential matchmakers and set you up with great guys who are marriage material. Do you even care about these people as anything other than tools to get what you REALLY want? You say you don't even like to talk to people who are married because "all they talk about is their relationships." You don't want advice from people who are married, or in relationships... even though we are the ones who have been successful in getting what you claim to want.   You keep talking about how great it's going to be to "be an adult" once you start grad school. Guess what? You have been an adult for almost 5 years, and yet you still think like a teenager. That's not going to change simply because you start a graduate program or move to a new town. Being an adult means, among other things, being responsible for crafting your own happiness, being independent and self-sufficient.  It means not relying on others to make you happy. It means learning to be comfortable with yourself.    I asked you a while back about your priorities and you said it was school. I still see no evidence of that. You want to get married, you want kids, and you want to be with a guy who is wealthy enough to be able to support you while you stay at home. You're not likely to find that in graduate school, I'm afraid. That's simply not what it's for. Guys who are in grad school at the same time as you are going to be starting their careers, and you are very likely to have to work for a while, at least. In fact, the "traditional" marriage you speak of has become very, vary rare... most couples simply cannot afford to have only one working parent.

In this thread we are investigating individual differences in ability of undergraduate students to get help on their schoolwork...

What....