Struggling with Cohort

[Justwantsomefunfriends]

I just really need to vent. So, I’m a second year grad student and uprooted my established life to be in a new city with no friends. With my last cohort, everyone was awesome, got along well, and very social with each other. You could basically see if people wanted to do something on any given day and you would definitely get a few people to hang out. 

I mistakenly thought this new cohort would be the same. It’s been a year now, and I feel horribly isolated and have no real friends locally. I’m a pretty social person and down for whatever, but nobody in my cohort really wants to hang out at all. It’s awful. Yeah, I get that people are busy, so am I. But over the course of a year, I have tried to get people together to hang out, drink, play games, you name it. Of all the times I’ve suggested stuff, I’ve managed to get people in my cohort to hang out ONE TIME. And I’ve made countless suggestions over the year. 

Maybe I suck? I haven’t developed enough rapport? I have no clue. But it’s awful.

 

Has anyone experienced this with their department??? Please tell me I’m not alone I’m feeling this way. 

#feelinghellaisolatedandsad

[PokePsych]

Not every cohort has these social vibes. I have some awesome RAs that I have coffee/lunch with, some people in different years, including post docs, in other labs (not in my cohort). I don't think you have to limit yourself to your cohort - or even your department for that matter. 

[MarineBluePsy]

I think if your cohort is at least cordial then it won't be awful to go through classes and research together.  However it doesn't always work out that a cohort ends up being friends.  You have plenty of other options to make friends on campus as mentioned above, but you can also go off campus.  If you're in a decent sized city there are meetup groups, free/low cost events in the community, volunteer opportunities, etc.  There's no reason to allow your social needs to go unmet and keep hoping your cohort will suddenly vibe when there are other options available.

[buttercup8d]

Well, they don't sound like your people. What kind of program are you in? I'm in a psych program, and I've found that most people who come into this field are incredibly insecure and seem to have more mental health issues than most people I've met outside of this field. I unfortunately got a small cohort of gossipy and cliquey mean girls who have excluded me from Day 1 because I am not exactly like them, and I do things like read...... (one of them, I believe, is currently on academic probation and has targeted me as her "rival" since school began. Frankly, she should just worry about passing her classes)

Do not sweat it if they're not open to getting to know you and don't think you need to change for them. It says more about them, and excluding someone else probably makes them feel safe in the program and temporarily elevates their low self-esteem...

Edited October 5, 2019 by buttercup8d

[Bird Vision]

15 hours ago, buttercup8d said:

Well, they don't sound like your people. What kind of program are you in? I'm in a psych program, and I've found that most people who come into this field are incredibly insecure and seem to have more mental health issues than most people I've met outside of this field. I unfortunately got a small cohort of gossipy and cliquey mean girls who have excluded me from Day 1 because I am not exactly like them, and I do things like read...... (one of them, I believe, is currently on academic probation and has targeted me as her "rival" since school began. Frankly, she should just worry about passing her classes)

Do not sweat it if they're not open to getting to know you and don't think you need to change for them. It says more about them, and excluding someone else probably makes them feel safe in the program and temporarily elevates their low self-esteem...

I think you should take a step back and examine why you feel this way about the individuals in your cohort, rather than speak poorly of them and pass judgement.

[buttercup8d]

10 hours ago, Bird Vision said:

I think you should take a step back and examine why you feel this way about the individuals in your cohort, rather than speak poorly of them and pass judgement.

Well, what makes you think I'm not speaking from actual experience? It's been a few years............so I'm speaking from quite a period of time. Also, maybe you're a saint but I have a point where I stop tolerating mean and dishonest individuals. 

[AP]

I'm sorry you are feeling isolated and alone. 

I was older than my cohort, so I was "organically" left out. That pushed me to make friends in upper years and other departments. I worked on campus a couple of hours a week and took some regular workshops (on teaching, GIS, etc etc). Encountering people outside my department (and seeing some regular faces over and over again) helped me create friendships that I wouldn't have if I remained in my department. Is there a possibility for you to do something like this? 

Two other things that worked for me were church groups and meet ups (www.meetup.com). I was a bridesmaid to a friend I meet in a white water meet up! 

But if you are worried about your cohort, maybe you need to accept the fact that they are just your colleagues, and that's ok. 

[Sigaba]

On 10/6/2019 at 8:19 AM, buttercup8d said:

Well, what makes you think I'm not speaking from actual experience?

If you're as experienced as you say, then you are well aware of how unprofessional it is to form diagnostic interpretations in non clinical situations of individuals who are not your patients.

Moreover, given the persistent use of psychology to oppress women, your thumbnail sketch of women you don't like is dehumanizng.

I get it. Members of your cohort hurt you badly by excluding you from their activities. But how does lashing out at them anonymously really get you where you want to go or closer to the people who would want to spend time with you?

[xxxxxxxxxx]

On 10/5/2019 at 8:33 AM, buttercup8d said:

Well, they don't sound like your people. What kind of program are you in? I'm in a psych program, and I've found that most people who come into this field are incredibly insecure and seem to have more mental health issues than most people I've met outside of this field. I unfortunately got a small cohort of gossipy and cliquey mean girls who have excluded me from Day 1 because I am not exactly like them, and I do things like read...... (one of them, I believe, is currently on academic probation and has targeted me as her "rival" since school began. Frankly, she should just worry about passing her classes)

Do not sweat it if they're not open to getting to know you and don't think you need to change for them. It says more about them, and excluding someone else probably makes them feel safe in the program and temporarily elevates their low self-esteem...

Hope the quality of your situation improved.
I strongly disagree with your “most people who come into this field” statement, but found myself concerned about the way you felt you were being treated by your peers. 4-6 years of graduate school is a hell of a long time, and feeling this type of isolation/negative emotions towards others will not be good for your mental health over the long run..  

[Regression2theMean]

It's hard to not connect with your cohort. I've been lucky to have a very inclusive and social cohort that I love. However, through the years of graduate school I have experienced that people do tend to splinter off a bit as time is more constrained and people decided on different career paths. 

A few things I have noticed some grad students feel uncomfortable doing are going to drinking-oriented events, going places that will cost money that they might not have, and/or attending events that their significant other is not welcome at. I know you said you tried a variety of invitations but perhaps there's a common thread amongst the events you've proposed that is turning some people away. Or maybe you just have a less social cohort which definitely happens too! 

I hope you manage to find some social outlet because it seems like you are putting a lot of work into it and having social support is so important!