Parenting and Academics: Support (or Rant) Thread :D

[dr_megaevil]

Hi everyone! 

So I was in the PhD/DrPH 2021 Application thread and we started talking about pursuing doctorate studies while balancing family responsibilities, raising kids, and/or planning to start a family. It was very comforting to realize that so many of us on this forum were on the same boat as me, and to know that I was not crazy thinking perhaps I can work, raise a kid (and plan for more) and do doctorate all at the same time! ?

Since it helped me feel a lot more positive and confident about my decision to keep chasing my dream, I thought I should start a thread in hopes that others may also feel empowered and encouraged to continue pursuing their academic endeavour whilst having a loving family at the same time. ☺️ I want this thread to be a friendly and supportive environment where we can help each other! ?

To start, here is my experience so far with being a parent and schooling.

My daughter was not planned and I had her two weeks before my final year of master's program started. I studied and worked on my assignments whenever she was sleeping. My days and nights were flipped, and my sleeps were no more than 3 hours at a time. I honestly don't know how I survived that year lol! It was super difficult but what helped me get through it was my daughter ☺️ I am so in love with her! I am so happy to be her mom. ? My daughter is 3.5 years old now and I am back at work part time. She loves her daycare so I am really grateful for that.

I am so proud of my accomplishments so far but I really hope I can continue studying this coming academic year as a doctorate student!! Now if I can get the schools to give me ANYTHING at this point.... that would be great!! I am not good with the waiting games and schools being radio silent is not helping whatsoever!! 

Edited February 10, 2021 by dr_megaevil

[dr_megaevil]

Anyone else also having difficulties with your little ones during this pandemic?? My daughter has caught cold now so that means she has to stay home till she's symptoms free before she's allowed back in the daycare Argh!!! I try so hard to make sure she doesn't get sick but it's impossible ? 

 

[LxRx]

Thanks for starting this thread! I was on the PhD/DrPh 2021 Application thread as well and was really grateful to learn that I am not the only crazy one out there applying to PhD programs while having a young kiddo at home (my son is 9 months old). I know some people choose to wait until after they have attained their educational goals to start a family, but we wanted to start ours a little earlier. Through this process of applications and interviews, our son has been a source of light and peace in our chaos. I'm so glad that he will be part of our PhD journey.

[cs4152008]

Agreed, thanks for starting this! I don't have much to add as we don't have kiddos yet but would like to in the next year or so which would make me a first year PhD student. My partner works nights right now (which could change) and it's a great job but we would have to get very creative about how to manage everyone's schedules. We also will likely be moving away from family (his) since it doesn't look like I'll be getting into any Boston-based programs so there goes the free childcare  When the time comes, I'm hoping we can find a good solution for babysitting/daycare while I am in class but I'd love to not have to do that all day. Does anyone have thoughts on this?

Also, when school go fully in person do you guys anticipate spending most of your time outside of class and GA responsibilities on campus doing work or home doing work? I have worked remotely for years so am much more comfortable being productive at home but am a little worried about the appearance of not being on campus as much as others (silly thing to worry about, I know!).

Edited February 10, 2021 by cs4152008

[Ajrw]

So happy you started this thread! Parenting and working has been so challenging during the pandemic. Excited to talk with others who are thinking through how to juggle multiple responsibilities!

[publichealthPhD]

1 hour ago, cs4152008 said:

Agreed, thanks for starting this! I don't have much to add as we don't have kiddos yet but would like to in the next year or so which would make me a first year PhD student. My partner works nights right now (which could change) and it's a great job but we would have to get very creative about how to manage everyone's schedules. We also will likely be moving away from family (his) since it doesn't look like I'll be getting into any Boston-based programs so there goes the free childcare  When the time comes, I'm hoping we can find a good solution for babysitting/daycare while I am in class but I'd love to not have to do that all day. Does anyone have thoughts on this?

Also, when school go fully in person do you guys anticipate spending most of your time outside of class and GA responsibilities on campus doing work or home doing work? I have worked remotely for years so am much more comfortable being productive at home but am a little worried about the appearance of not being on campus as much as others (silly thing to worry about, I know!).

I'm in the same boat (and city!) as you! We're trying to plan when to have kids based on what happens with my PhD journey. Originally we were thinking I'd get in this year and we'd wait until classes were over before trying. Since it's looking like I'm not getting in this year, our timeline has suddenly moved up! We're thinking we'll try this year. If all works out, I'll have a little one before starting classes. I'm also going to apply to more programs next year (further away from family). I'm nervous about how it might my ability to do the work. My focus is on maternal and child health though, so maybe it'll give me some addition insights ?. I'm looking forward to following this thread! Thanks for setting it up!

[Baby_Yoda]

@dr_megaevilThank you for starting this thread! I am in a similar situation as @cs4152008. I do not have children yet, but am planning on starting sometime during my doctoral program. It is so helpful to hear from others who are planning to or who already have children. I really appreciate when programs address this topic and state that they are supportive of students who plan on having kids. I hope that most programs are flexible and supportive. 

Have any of you gotten a feeling from programs regarding whether classes will be in-person or virtual in the fall? I know how hard it is to predict what will happen between now and then, but it would really help with planning purposes for those who would be moving to a new city! I imagine those with children would especially want to know this. 

[cs4152008]

1 minute ago, Baby_Yoda said:

@dr_megaevilThank you for starting this thread! I am in a similar situation as @cs4152008. I do not have children yet, but am planning on starting sometime during my doctoral program. It is so helpful to hear from others who are planning to or who already have children. I really appreciate when programs address this topic and state that they are supportive of students who plan on having kids. I hope that most programs are flexible and supportive. 

Have any of you gotten a feeling from programs regarding whether classes will be in-person or virtual in the fall? I know how hard it is to predict what will happen between now and then, but it would really help with planning purposes for those who would be moving to a new city! I imagine those with children would especially want to know this. 

I haven't asked about the virtual or in-person question but great reminder to send as a follow up to interviews. On your first point about supportive and flexible programs - does anyone have any great ways to ask about this during interviews? Yesterday during a call I basically said "you must see students in a phase of life when they may be building families, dealing with aging parents, etc. How do you support students with their outside responsibilities?". Anyone have any better ways that I can steal?!

[Going4DrPH]

33 minutes ago, cs4152008 said:

I haven't asked about the virtual or in-person question but great reminder to send as a follow up to interviews. On your first point about supportive and flexible programs - does anyone have any great ways to ask about this during interviews? Yesterday during a call I basically said "you must see students in a phase of life when they may be building families, dealing with aging parents, etc. How do you support students with their outside responsibilities?". Anyone have any better ways that I can steal?!

I asked that question in a recent interview (BU DrPH) and phrased it quite similarly to how you did. My interviewers were both women who had kids (that came up naturally in the interview; one even popped his head into the Zoom!), and they were very receptive to it. I think it's 100% reasonable to ask! For DrPH I am sure it's a common question given that most programs require previous masters and some amount of work experience, so students tend to start in their late 20/early 30s.

[LxRx]

re: Virtual- I have asked faculty members at a few different schools if they think classes will be back in person by fall. The majority seem hopeful that most classes for graduate students will be back in person. Some have noted that, at the very least, some classes will be available in-person while others will still be online. The overall sentiment I have gotten is that schools are anticipating having Fall 2021 applicants being there in person. Obviously, this is subject to change (especially depending on the new COVID strains we are seeing), but I am planning to move to the school I choose.

re: Supportive & Flexible Programs- I usually don't ask any variation of this question during interviews because I tried to make it crystal clear in my personal statement that my family is my top priority. My very first paragraph is about having my son ? Like I imagine is the case for many of you, I am not interested in joining a program where they are not understanding of my responsibilities as a parent. I think that by bringing that up in my personal statement, I have screened out programs that wouldn't be accommodating. Now that I am in the interview stage, I casually mention the fact that I have a kid, but I don't directly ask questions about flexibility. Usually just bringing my son up in conversation and gauging the reaction of the faculty gives me a good idea about how flexible they actually are. 

[MCH_Hopeful_2021]

Hi folks. Glad this thread is up and running! 
 

I got the impression from JHU that classes will be virtual the first quarter. And I know for a fact that USF is allowing students to be virtual the first semester. 
 

What I’m curious about is how you all plan to move during the pandemic? Even if both myself and my husband are vaccinated, our 11 month old won’t be, so we’re trying to figure out how we’ll get halfway across the country. ?‍♀️

[LxRx]

1 hour ago, MCH_Hopeful_2021 said:

Hi folks. Glad this thread is up and running! 
 

I got the impression from JHU that classes will be virtual the first quarter. And I know for a fact that USF is allowing students to be virtual the first semester. 
 

What I’m curious about is how you all plan to move during the pandemic? Even if both myself and my husband are vaccinated, our 11 month old won’t be, so we’re trying to figure out how we’ll get halfway across the country. ?‍♀️

To be honest, I don't think that the pandemic will affect how we move across the country. We will probably pack some sort of shipping box, then drive the 20 ish hours to our destination. We will likely stay at a hotel halfway through because I hate driving through the night. Our kid won't love the car ride, but that has nothing to do with the pandemic ? When it comes to traveling during COVID, I definitely put moving across the country for a job or school into the "necessary travel" category. Along the way, we will just be sure to wear masks and sanitize at gas stations, food stops, and hotels.

[dr_megaevil]

I’m so happy that others have joined and started to discuss on multiple issues  that I personally had thought and worried about! 
 

It’s so difficult to plan and anticipate for anything when we don’t know what’s to come... especially when most of us are still waiting to hear back from the schools ? 
 

I did distance studies for my master’s program because I knew I wanted to keep working while I studied. So for doctorate programs I aimed to do the same - especially with a kid, I knew for sure I had to find a distance program somehow... BUT I was genuinely surprised how hard it was to find a suitable distance doctorate programs there are out there! You’d think that more and more schools are investing on distance studies already but surprisingly not. Obviously for some programs, it’s impossible to do distance but I feel there are so many other programs or courses where this should be possible!? 
 

This is sort of my third time applying anything for doctorate programs (last year I applied for scholarships only) so I really hope I get an acceptance somewhere this year. I only applied to three programs because it was difficult to find distance studies that were also related to my interest. I was looking at PhD programs and didn’t know about DrPH programs until I found the JHU one accidentally! I was happy that it was a mostly a distance program! It’s a hard reach program for me but I applied anyway ?‍♀️ Wouldn’t hurt to dream right? 
 

For those of you wondering about daycares while in school, I think universities usually have daycares within campuses. I’m not sure how easy it is for you to get your kids enrolled but I think it’s worth asking! Also, I think we should be able to talk about our family responsibilities during the interview but I can also understand if it feels like it could jeopardize your chance of getting accepted (similar to situations for job interviews where the employers may not prefer new hires who may leave on a mat leave right away, etc...). Last year I did a few zoom calls with a POI, I can’t remember if I mentioned that I had a young kid ? But honestly, if a doctorate program cannot accept students with kids, I’m not sure if I would really like that program/school. Students applying for doctorate programs are usually mature students soooo if they can’t anticipate their students of having multiple responsibilities, it’s like errr ? Human rights ftw! ?
 

 

 

[dr_megaevil]

As if it wasn't stressful enough to wait to hear back from the programs I have applied.... My daughter decided to play pretend cooking on my laptop WITH WATER!!!! ? It is now water damaged and I have to bring it in for a repair... ARGHHHHHH!!! All my school files, her pictures, tax info, MY LIFE is on there...  ?

Anyhow, how's everyone's week going? 

 

[MCH_Hopeful_2021]

9 minutes ago, dr_megaevil said:

As if it wasn't stressful enough to wait to hear back from the programs I have applied.... My daughter decided to play pretend cooking on my laptop WITH WATER!!!! ? It is now water damaged and I have to bring it in for a repair... ARGHHHHHH!!! All my school files, her pictures, tax info, MY LIFE is on there...  ?

Anyhow, how's everyone's week going? 

 

Aw no!!! Dang it. Sorry. I know that’s stressful. Hopefully they’re able to fix it. 
 

Today has been hard. Little one is teething for the millionth time, so we were up intermittently through the night. I’m one of those “if I’m up, I’m up” kinda gals, so I couldn’t go back to sleep. This morning I was so tired I put formula in my coffee thinking it was creamer. Got a quarter of the way through before gagging at the realization. The upside is that I didn’t have to take my multivitamin. ? ? 

[SOCW_Noel]

I have two little ones (2 & under), a full-time job, and a husband.  ? I was accepted into a Ph.D. program 30 minutes from where I live.  I am thrilled, because this is the only school I applied to, and I really enjoyed the campus, program structure, and faculty that I met.  I’m nervous about balancing everything, but hopeful that my kids will be in daycare and I can maximize my time when they are in school.  We can do this!  Good to know I’m not alone.  

[dr_megaevil]

On 2/18/2021 at 1:20 PM, MCH_Hopeful_2021 said:

Aw no!!! Dang it. Sorry. I know that’s stressful. Hopefully they’re able to fix it. 
 

Today has been hard. Little one is teething for the millionth time, so we were up intermittently through the night. I’m one of those “if I’m up, I’m up” kinda gals, so I couldn’t go back to sleep. This morning I was so tired I put formula in my coffee thinking it was creamer. Got a quarter of the way through before gagging at the realization. The upside is that I didn’t have to take my multivitamin. ? ? 

Sorry I haven’t been able to check this thread.... Been super depressed and my mental health is not doing so well right now... Received a rejection last Friday and today I got email saying “check your portal” and I’m too scared to check!!! F@ck why is this so hard!! 
 

But then I came here and saw your post, I had to laugh ? I’m sorry you tasted formula (and glad it wasn’t breast milk ?) but you gave me good chuckles!! Thank you for uplifting my mood. ???

Update: My laptop is still being fixed ? I miss my laptop..... ?

[dr_megaevil]

On 2/18/2021 at 2:14 PM, SOCW_Noel said:

I have two little ones (2 & under), a full-time job, and a husband.  ? I was accepted into a Ph.D. program 30 minutes from where I live.  I am thrilled, because this is the only school I applied to, and I really enjoyed the campus, program structure, and faculty that I met.  I’m nervous about balancing everything, but hopeful that my kids will be in daycare and I can maximize my time when they are in school.  We can do this!  Good to know I’m not alone.  

That is wonderful!!! Congratulations on the acceptance!!! ???

You are definitely not alone and I would love to keep in touch with all these strong and incredible mamas and papas!! 
 

[MCH_Hopeful_2021]

16 minutes ago, dr_megaevil said:

Sorry I haven’t been able to check this thread.... Been super depressed and my mental health is not doing so well right now... Received a rejection last Friday and today I got email saying “check your portal” and I’m too scared to check!!! F@ck why is this so hard!! 
 

But then I came here and saw your post, I had to laugh ? I’m sorry you tasted formula (and glad it wasn’t breast milk ?) but you gave me good chuckles!! Thank you for uplifting my mood. ???

Update: My laptop is still being fixed ? I miss my laptop..... ?

I’m crossing my fingers, toes, whatever for you. I sincerely hope that things work out when you check that portal! *Hugs*

[dr_megaevil]

1 hour ago, MCH_Hopeful_2021 said:

I’m crossing my fingers, toes, whatever for you. I sincerely hope that things work out when you check that portal! *Hugs*

Thank you so much for your kind words!! You’re making me tear up ?

[HopeFaithandDrPH]

2 hours ago, dr_megaevil said:

Sorry I haven’t been able to check this thread.... Been super depressed and my mental health is not doing so well right now... Received a rejection last Friday and today I got email saying “check your portal” and I’m too scared to check!!! F@ck why is this so hard!! 
 

But then I came here and saw your post, I had to laugh ? I’m sorry you tasted formula (and glad it wasn’t breast milk ?) but you gave me good chuckles!! Thank you for uplifting my mood. ???

Update: My laptop is still being fixed ? I miss my laptop..... ?

Fingers crossed for an acceptance!! ❤️

[HopeFaithandDrPH]

Looking forward to connecting with you all and supporting one another during this journey. Received my first acceptance today (still in shock) and now I really need to start getting my life together lol. 

[SOCW_Noel]

4 hours ago, dr_megaevil said:

That is wonderful!!! Congratulations on the acceptance!!! ???

You are definitely not alone and I would love to keep in touch with all these strong and incredible mamas and papas!! 
 

Thank you @dr_megaevil!!!  I look forward to keeping in touch along this journey.  Praying all is well with you and you receive good news soon!  ?? ??

[MCH_Hopeful_2021]

Ya'll I just put my kid on a waitlist for a pre-k run by the university's education department and man! It's a great school and is half the tuition of pre-k in the community but folks have been signed up since they were pregnant! I thought I was being a bit extra by signing my 1 year old up a year early, but looks like I'm a year late. haha.

Tip: If you can spare the fee (about $20 bucks for us), definitely scope out university daycare/pre-k while applying to programs and submit an app for the waitlist too. Maybe by the time you start, there will be a spot! 

[DrWhisk]

Hi everyone - long time lurker first time poster. I am freaking out because I've been struggling with infertility for some time...was about to go in for some tests when I actually got pregnant. I'm only about 5.5 weeks but hCG is wayy better than last time, so it's all very fresh. But I'm freaking out because this is my first, I have wanted this baby for so long, and I have wanted to go back for my PhD for so long too. I got in to my top choice program this Fall and I'm beyond thrilled but now I have this to contend with and have no idea what to do. I have no idea if this pregnancy will last; my last one ended in a miscarriage so I'm not getting attached until I get an ultrasound and confirmation from the OB, but still the anxiety is through the roof right now. 

I think I'm just looking for advice from all of you on how and when to navigate this discussion. The first year is coursework and doesn't seem flexible!? I don't want people to think I don't take school or research seriously (and the irony is, I'm going into maternal and child health), and I don't want to ruin any relationships that could effect my career in the future.

Sorry this is all over the place. Any insight would be most appreciated.