What would Chuck Norris do?

[eklavya]

Can't believe we don't have a thread dedicated to Chuck Norris!! No wonder life is boring as hell during the waiting period! (Why? Cuz Chuck Norris ain't here to keep us company, y'all!!)

Anyhoo, the obvious question to ponder about, while I/we are stuck in this limbo, is, how would Chuck Norris go through the application and admission process?

1. Chuck Norris doesn't fill out the application forms. He stares at them till they finish up and pay after themselves.

2. Personal statement of Chuck Norris: "Me".

3. Chuck Norris never accepts offers made by any schools because he is tired of being the only smart dawg on campus.

5. If Chuck Norris doesn't get accepted, he simply calls up the admission office and says "No".

6. Chuck Norris got rejected at all schools he applied to. But the adcomms haven't gathered the courage to break the news to him.

7. While on a campus visit, the graduate student who was supposed to pick Chuck Norris up from the airport didn't show up. Enraged, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the whole city and dropped it far away in the ocean. People say that's how the Liliput came to be.

8. There are no PoIs for Chuck Norris. There is only CNoI for the POIs.

9. When asked what his career goals are, Chuck Norris answered "To be Chuck Norris".

10. Chuck Norris didn't get into any Eco/Evo program because no professors was willing to buy the idea that the mass extinction of dinosaurs was due to chuck norrisaurus and no meteor.

11. Chuck Norris was instantly hired by the math program because he could divide by zero.

12. Chuck Norris doesn't wait during the whole application process. He goes back to the future and gets his degree.

13. Chuck Norris was let go from the immunology program. Not because he caught the diseases, but because he crushed them with his bare hands after catching them.

14. Chuck Norris once possessed satan. To investigate how, the religion program was created.

15. When applying for physical fitness programs, Chuck Norris was asked how many push ups he could do. He answered "All of them".

16. Chuck Norris was invited for recruiting weekend because, well, Chuck Norris needed to recruit workers.

17. Chuck Norris was once called to the Dean's office because the Dean was in trouble.

18. There is no 'Middle Name' form field in the applications given to Chuck Norris to fill out. Because the schools are smart enough to know that nothing should come between Chuck Norris.

19. Chuck Norris doesn't contact PoIs. He pokes them in facebook.

20. PoIs don't poke back Chuck Norris on facebook. Who in their right mind would finger Chuck Norris?

Edited January 8, 2011 by bhikhaari

[katerific]

Amazing. These will never get old for me. Ever.

Uhhhhh, let me try. Prepare the sad trombone, because these are pretty bad.

1. Chuck Norris was admitted to every geology program because he discovered something with a hardness of 11* on the Mohs scale--his fist.

2. They gave him full funding and even offered him future post-doc positions because he later found something rated at 12--his resolve.

....Nevermind, I'm going to stop now for everyone else's sake. You guys, I'm so so sorry.

*note: diamonds are the hardest at 10.

[A. sesquipedale]

10. Chuck Norris didn't get into any Eco/Evo program because no professors was willing to buy the idea that the mass extinction of dinosaurs was due to chuck norrisaurus and no meteor.

that one gave me a chuckle nice work! Chuck Norrisaurus!

Edited January 8, 2011 by A. sesquipedale

[A. sesquipedale]

1. Chuck Norris doesn’t apply for grants. He applies for wishes, and they are granted.

2. Chuck Norris doesn’t struggle with cognitive dissonance, the entire universe conforms to his troubled views until there is resolution.

3. Chuck Norris is made up of a 100 trillion tiny Chuck Norrises all functioning not so he can survive and reproduce, but so that he can Chuck Norris.

4. Darwin almost named his book, On the Origin of Norris

5. Chuck Norris doesn’t use statistics, because he doesn’t have to run a study, because he doesn’t have to know, because he already does.

6. There is no homunculus that gives rise to consciousness; there is only a tiny Chuck Norris living in every brain.

7. Chuck Norris is his own dissertation committee.

8. Chuck Norris is universally rejected from every school he applies to because no one can afford his $1,337 a minute stipend.

9. Chuck Norris is going to grad school to study Chuck Norris, for which he has already been told he will win the Nobel Prize.

10. Chuck Norris only attends a university if they are willing to change their name to the Iniversity of Norris.

Wow I feel so corny! But that was fun, thanks for the thread

Edited January 8, 2011 by A. sesquipedale

[Alyanumbers]

1. Chuck Norris doesn’t apply for grants. He applies for wishes, and they are granted.

This is my favourite.

[eklavya]

that one gave me a chuckle nice work! Chuck Norrisaurus!

please change this to: 'that one gave me a chuck norrissle'. you should be aware that Chuck Norris doesn't like his name being truncated!

[sputnik]

1. Chuck Norris doesn't apply to schools. Schools apply to Chuck Norris.

2. Chuck Norris only needed 1 LOR. It was written by Chuck Norris.

3. Chuck Norris' GRE scores: Verbal - No. Quantitative: Unquantifiable

4. Chuck Norris' Grade Point Average: Nothing is average about Chuck Norris.

5. In lieu of a statement of purpose, Chuck Norris sent photocopies of his fists.

6. When asked about financial support, Chuck Norris replied: How much do you need?

7. Chuck Norris isn't wait listed. Chuck Norris waits for nothing.

Ok...that's all I got. Good fun!

[MoJingly]

1. Grad schools don't give Chuck Norris a timeline. He tells them when he gets the PhD.

2. When asked in the interview, "why do you want a PhD?" Chuck Norris replied, "because I'm Chuck Norris."

3. Chuck Norris turned down the hotel during the interview weekend. Chuck Norris doesn't need shelter.

Edited January 12, 2011 by MoJingly

[IdealThinker]

Chuck Norris doesn't need to apply to a university, he knows everything already.

[waddle]

1. Chuck Norris doesn't apply to schools. Schools apply to Chuck Norris.

2. Chuck Norris only needed 1 LOR. It was written by Chuck Norris.

3. Chuck Norris' GRE scores: Verbal - No. Quantitative: Unquantifiable

4. Chuck Norris' Grade Point Average: Nothing is average about Chuck Norris.

5. In lieu of a statement of purpose, Chuck Norris sent photocopies of his fists.

6. When asked about financial support, Chuck Norris replied: How much do you need?

7. Chuck Norris isn't wait listed. Chuck Norris waits for nothing.

The Large Hadron Collider was mistakenly labeled the world's most powerful atom smasher. It's actually Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't coauthor papers. He needs no collaborators.

Chuck Norris' Erdős number is -1.

Chuck Norris really made an impression on the interviewers. His impact factor is ∞.

Chuck Norris never attends meetings. Meetings attend to him.

Chuck Norris has won the award for Best TA for four years running. He can really teach students a lesson.

Chuck Norris got his Ph.D. without defending his thesis. None of the committee members wanted to try him.

Edited January 13, 2011 by waddle

[lab ratta-tat-tat]

I have nothing to contribute but I have bookmarked this page to periodically laugh. It never gets old- any of them. I can't stop laughing.

[A. sesquipedale]

Nice everyone! Keep 'em coming for the laughs. I made a few more:

11. Chuck Norris is the only tenured professor who publishes nothing but photocopies of his fists.

12. Professors have beards because they want to be more like Chuck Norris.

13. Chuck Norris: “If you think you understand the Roundhouse Kick, you don’t understand the Roundhouse Kick.”

14. Chuck Norris got a 1600 on the GRE and all he did was the mouse tutorial.

15. Chuck Norris doesn’t have to mail his GRE scores. He merely picks up copies and throws them in the general direction of each school, and they arrive.

16. Chuck Norris would never write an SOP because it is also a noun. Sop: a weak-willed and spineless person. If Norris so much as wrote these three letters down, the sheer contradiction of his awesome power with such a weak word would cause the universe to implode.

17. The Big Bang was really Chuck Norris trying something new on his Bunsen burner in science class. Oh, a universe. Oops.

18. Chuck Norris doesn't fill out snail mail or online applications. He communicates his apps right to the dean telepathically.

19. Chuck Norris experiments on his own brain by punching himself in the head through his skull and pinching individual neurons till they fire so he can see the effect on his behavior. As of this date each of the 30,000 neurons studied all activate the Roundhouse Kick.

20. Chuck Norris couldn’t bring his own hands into the ETS testing center because they are more advanced mathematical tools than any known calculator.

Edited January 14, 2011 by A. sesquipedale

[BlueRose]

- Chuck Norris doesn't throw away contaminated cell cultures. He stares at the contaminants until they pack up and get out of town.

- Chuck Norris can be washed, autoclaved, and reused.

- Chuck Norris had already printed out his thesis when his advisor told him to add a footnote. Enraged, Chuck Norris threw his thesis into the air and gave it a massive roundhouse kick. His foot went so fast that it made a whistling note; the note was, of course, a B flat. The thesis sailed across the building and hit an exterior wall, creating a bulge that was several feet in diameter. This became Chuck Norris's new office. He was given a tenured professorship the next week.

[waddle]

You guys, I'm so so sorry.

There, there.

14. Chuck Norris got a 1600 on the GRE and all he did was the mouse tutorial.

19. Chuck Norris experiments on his own brain by punching himself in the head through his skull and pinching individual neurons till they fire so he can see the effect on his behavior. As of this date each of the 30,000 neurons studied all activate the Roundhouse Kick.

- Chuck Norris can be washed, autoclaved, and reused.

NOBODY USES CHUCK NORRIS. Nobody who gets out alive.

[eklavya]

great work you all! lets keep this thing alive.

Chuck Norris was an instant hire in the linguistics program after witnessing that the bros from ghetto spoke proper english in front of Chuck Norris. (did i mention the bros also pulled their pants up?)

[MoJingly]

Chuck Norris passed his defense. Nobody asked questions. Nobody.

Chuck Norris is not happy with the location of your University, so he's personally moving it.

Chuck Norris will not respond to your admission offer by phone. He'll just yell. You'll hear him.

Edited January 21, 2011 by MoJingly

[mewtwo]

Chuck Norris can measure all Vitali sets

Edited January 21, 2011 by mewtwo

[eklavya]

Chuck Norris loves waiting it out. Because the anxiety on the faces of the program directors and PoIs, waiting for Chuck Norris' decision, is priceless.

Chuck Norris turned down all admission offers because he doesn't like doing re-search.

Chuck Norris wouldn't be a good fit for the construction management program because his first and last names rhyme with destruction and demolition, respectively.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked few schools in the nuts. This cause the schools to lose control of themselves, and that's why they have rolling deadlines.

Chuck Norris doesn't dress formal for his interviews. What he wears is made the formal code for other interviewees.

If Chuck Norris rejects your program and you cry, you are not called a cry baby.

[Golden Monkey]

When Chuck Norris received a rejection letter that said, "thank you; your consideration of our program is a great compliment to us," he knew that they actually meant it.

[Vacuum]

14. Chuck Norris got a 1600 on the GRE and all he did was the mouse tutorial.

20. Chuck Norris couldn’t bring his own hands into the ETS testing center because they are more advanced mathematical tools than any known calculator.

HAHAHAHAHAHAH oh god i hate you ETS!

[UFGator]

1. Chuck Norris's GRE score reports arrive the day before he orders them.

2. Chuck's Norris turned down a graduate assistantship as "Dean of the Graduate College."

3. Chuck Norris once intimidated his pencil into writing his dissertation for him.

[jsade]

When Chuck Norris received a rejection letter that said, "thank you; your consideration of our program is a great compliment to us," he knew that they actually meant it.

This gets the gradcafeforum award for reference to a post mentioned in another thread haha

Edited February 7, 2011 by jsade

[MoJingly]

Why is this thread here? The forum for virgins is further down on the page....

Dear Mike,

If you're going to come on here and troll, at least try to say things that make sense. That way, maybe we can get a laugh instead of just thinking you are an idiot.

Sincerely,

the Grad Cafe.

[eklavya]

Why is this thread here? The forum for virgins is further down on the page....

Dear Mike,

If you're going to come on here and troll, at least try to say things that make sense. That way, maybe we can get a laugh instead of just thinking you are an idiot.

Sincerely,

the Grad Cafe.

yeah mike, what the hell man (troll) !? we are trying very hard here to shake off our anxiety and nervousness, and you have to drop the turd-ball?

[MoJingly]

Chuck Norris doesn't have a problem with trolls. Nobody trolls Chuck Norris.