Lovers and Friends

[Grind12]

I know that graduate school is very time consuming but I just know that there is no possible way that all grad students spend 100% of their time in libraries and have no social interaction with other people. I hope to go to graduate school away and I want to know how difficult will it be to make friends and have a social life outside of school. I am very passionate about what I want to study and would not mind even being close with people in my cohort. I just want to know how difficult is it to do very well in graduate school and to also maintain a relationship or friendship. Are there socials for people in the department to fraternize or even a larger event for all grad students? Please tell me your experiences with making friends and maintaining them in grad school.

[fuzzylogician]

Events and socials will vary by school and department. Similarly friendliness of cohorts and amount of socializing within departments. But if you decide to make your social life - friends, relationships, hobbies - a priority, you will have time for them. Otherwise, grad school could easily take over your entire life.

Personally, most of my friends are from my department but not from my cohort. We usually go out and do something fun once during the week and at least once during the weekend, not counting lunches/dinners/coffee study sessions. We are all international students and we are basically each other's support system, so we spend a lot of time gossiping, complaining and talking about our joint acquaintances - professors and students. Our department usually has some sort of social event every other week or so, which most students but not many professors attend (at least not the ones that are outside the department).

[rising_star]

It varies. At my PhD institution, the graduate student council (which is university wide) organizes social activities periodically. These tend to be either happy hours or speed dating events. My department's grad organization also organizes social events, like holiday parties and park picnics, in addition to having a weekly happy hour. I'm a regular attendee at all of these sorts of things. I also participate in some club things that have helped me meet a lot of people I might not otherwise now. Only a few of my friends are actually in my cohort. My other friends are other students of my advisor's, others in the department but not from my cohort, and people I've met in other ways (going to social events, going to concerts, through mutual friends). Oh, and that's not counting my myriad conference buddies, who I'm friends with but only see once or twice a year. They are great for commiseration and for complaining about one's department/university.

[Eigen]

My grad school may be a bit of special case, just because such a large percentage of the student body (like 40% between grad and professional students). I'm on the executive board of our graduate council, and we do a lot to promote socialization between programs- at least one or two large events each semester, and a slew of smaller ones. My department is also quite social- we do beginning and end of semester events (BBQ and then Christmas party, Beers of the World and then another BBQ), and we do a lot outside of that as well.

It takes putting the time in and making the other stuff a commitment, but I'd say it's definitely possible.

It took a bit of cajoling, but I got a pretty good departmental happy hour going every two weeks during the summer, and outside of that we probably do things every couple of weeks at least. I know a lot of the single grad students do a lot more regular excursions, but I'm married so we tend to spend a lot of our evenings doing stuff together and not out on the town.

Both my wife and I have a couple of really close friends in our cohorts, as well as other friends in other years and in other programs.

Edited December 19, 2011 by Eigen

[katerific]

At my undergrad institution, the graduate students have pretty good social lives, and while I was there, I hung out with them a lot. Going to lunch, goofing off in the lounge, doing labwork (can totally be a social interaction), etc.

As a grad student, it's been hard moving across the country and making friends, but now I will hang out with people at least once a week (which is great for me, because I appreciate alone time, too). Since my lab is mostly post-docs, I've actually befriended a lot of post-docs since I end up going to post-doc association social events. Also, I will goof off with my office mates throughout the day (an occasional distraction keeps us sane). That's totally a social interaction, right?

[StrangeLight]

in my own program, very few students seem to have any friends in town outside of the department. people who came to the school with partners/spouses who weren't academics have been able to tap into their significant other's circle of friends. as for starting relationships, it seems that at least half the people that start relationships once they're in my program are having them with each other. it's very incestuous.

i've built up hobbies for myself so i don't go nuts talking to the same people all day (and consequently, only talking about work all day) but even then i've found it's difficult to turn small talk before yoga class or screaming over the sounds of a live band at a bar into meaningful friendships or relationships. hobbies have really just helped me expand my circle of acquaintances.

[ktel]

I'm not especially close to anyone in my department at the moment, but we do have monthly social events and everybody is fairly friendly. My social life consists of my boyfriend, his family, their friends, and my rugby teammates at the moment (not counting all the friends and family I have in my hometown that I don't get to see). A lot of people in my research group in particular are married or in long-term relationships so they socialize a bit differently than some of the younger, single grad students.

[neuropsych76]

I was really worried about this as I thought I would have little time to make new friends in grad school and I was also moving to a new part of the country. I was totally wrong to be worried!!

Everyone in my cohort is super friendly and it was pretty easy to make friends. If you show some initiative and go to social gatherings it's easy to have a social life. Every weekend I've been doing social things and have still had plenty of time for my classes, research, teaching.

[Grind12]

Thanks guys

[abc123xtc]

I was worried about this as well, but reading through this thread makes me feel a lot better.

[starmaker]

IMO, anybody who tells you that grad school means you'll have no time for a social life or relationship is full of it and probably trying to do some sort of weird masochistic bragging thing about how hard grad school life is. I've known a lot of grad students, some of them at top programs in stereotypically-difficult fields, and they have crunch times like any other working adult, but exactly zero of them have been so busy that they can't have a social life or relationship.

I am, by the way, a half-time MS student, a full-time worker, a political activist, and happily married with an active social life. And I did well enough in my MS to have gotten a PhD acceptance (possibly with more coming; I've only heard back from one school). Grad school's no more hosing, in terms of time required, than many non-academic jobs (as long as your advisor isn't one of those professors who thinks they're a feudal lord).

Sometimes the hard thing, if you've moved to go to grad school and left your old friends behind, is making friends in the first place, rather than finding time to hang out with them. Your cohort could be a source of friends, but there's no guarantee that you'll like them just because you happen to be in the same field (look at the numerous examples of intra-field professorial feuds). You can also meet neighbors, people in student clubs, and people in community organizations, for starters.

[GreenePony]

I met my husband his first semester of grad school. He did run into trouble when he tried to keep the same level of campus and social involvement that he had in undergrad. If you don't try to do that, you should be fine.

Two of my friend (couple, they met in undergrad) are both doing PhDs in Chem at two different universities and are seeming to manage to have a fairly lively weekend social life and knowing those two, are keeping their grades way up on top of their TA/lab positions. A friend from church - with the exceptions of the weeks around finals, the bar and Practice Court- was fairly social in law school. It seems that socializing is best kept on the majority to the weekends and in moderation but is definitely possible. We'll see how I do next year.

[rockhopper]

Thanks for this topic. I am very involved as an undergrad at my school but I'm nervous about moving across the country by myself to a new university!

Can anyone shed light on dating OUTSIDE your department? I just came out of a +3 year relationship and want to meet people in grad school, but I've always thought jumping into bed with someone in your same department is a bit of a bad idea?

[far_to_go]

To Rockhopper's question about dating outside of your department:

In my experience, it is easiest to form social relationships/friendships within your own department, just because it's a matter of convenience. If you don't want to date within your own department (and I recommend avoiding it if you can... lots of people do it, of course, but it is risky...) you should be intentional about building your social network outside of your department. In my case, I've always lived with roommates who are outside of my department, and I'm involved in a political activism group that includes a wide cross-section of people.

One my friends met her current boyfriend by taking a course that was cross-listed between a few different departments; although tmeeting somebody wasn't her main goal for taking the class, it was a nice side benefit! Also, there's always OKCupid- a lot of people I know use that site.

Good luck to you!

[ANDS!]

Thanks for this topic. I am very involved as an undergrad at my school but I'm nervous about moving across the country by myself to a new university!

Can anyone shed light on dating OUTSIDE your department? I just came out of a +3 year relationship and want to meet people in grad school, but I've always thought jumping into bed with someone in your same department is a bit of a bad idea?

No different than dating in the workplace. Has it's pros and cons. However if you are dating graduate students what complications could there really be other than awkwardness? Dating faculty is another story. . .

[tendaysleft]

This is something I'm concerned about too, if I might chime in, but I'm mostly worried because the program I'm most strongly considering is in a very rural location, and the school has only one graduate program. So I would essentially be in the middle of nowhere (teeny town without any real bars or other, ah, venues for younger folks) surrounded by 4,000 undergraduates... not really my idea of a good time, and not really conducive to an active social life. Advice, anyone?

[spunkrag]

Graduate students have more time than you think. Don't be fooled by people are merely projecting about work habits. Grad school is hard and time consuming, but so is any other job which is demanding and "career-oriented" (buzzword alert).

[reachystik]

I'm completing my MPH at the same university where I got my HBA. I met a few friends during my HBA who are still around now (either in graduate school themselves, or in another undergraduate degree).

It was really hard for me to meet friends... and still is.

I am thinking the reasons are:

1. living off campus (moved in with my boyfriend. I'm definitely not the attached at the hip type. I need my space, he needs his).

2. mature student (started my undergrad when I was 23)

3. the few awkward social interactions I did have, I come across as maternal and uptight (the age gap in having most of the peers in your class as 17-18, and you're 23...and refusing to buy them alcohol....haha. and for the record, I don't have kids...just a cat, fish and 4 rats)

4. I never went out on weekend/pub nights/etc. I don't drink (unless on holidays..new years, xmas, etc..), and have better things to spend my limited $$$ on...

I've always been socially awkward, but.. whatever. I also found that it was a challenge in going to school as a mature student... after all of my hometown friends had already graduated with their degrees. I sort of felt alone in catching up with them because they were all into their careers and there I was doing everything backwards.

I would say to take advantage of those invites to social events. I used to just delete the emails but now I've actually gone out and attended. I know if I'm not having a good time I can always just leave. It's good to get out of the study grind and just remember for those few hours that all of these other zombies are people just like you.

Joining clubs/groups of hobbies you enjoy are great too, I found a small group of people who like to spin poi and other circus arts, so I look forward to the social fun times with them.

I also became a social ambassador/orientation officer or whatever they call them. I'm not crazy and outgoing but it gave me that outlet of being "too maternal" through assisting and supporting freshman (and their nervous parents) during orientation week.

I also keep in touch with those I met through the job I had during my undergrad. I worked at a retirement home, (my undergrad was in psychology & gerontology), and I enjoy going back there to visit... it's like they became my other family. And it's nice and refreshing to talk to people outside of anything school related- and volunteering is just so darn heart-warming!

Edited March 29, 2012 by reachystik