amlobo Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Oh, I didn't explain the context. My country is pretty traditional when it comes to marriage and kids, so basically, if you don't have a husband and kids, it must mean something's wrong with you. Ergo, any woman who has a family, has it because that's what she wanted, and any woman who pursues a career, does it because she can't get a husband. Not to mention that here, bad marriage > no mariage. Because all couples have problems, and that's life. Which I don't know anything about. Because I'm not married. Therefore, every conversation I have about a PhD with someone who's my mom's age ends up with: "When you're old and alone, you'll see that studying isn't everything." Coincidentially, everyone seems to know someone (most likely imaginary) who regretted not having children when they were younger, because now they're all old, alone, and unhappy. It isn't like this with the younger generations, but the older ones can annoy you just as well. I asked my mom what she would do if I just decided not to have ANY kids (she is grandchild-crazed, too). She then launched into a story about her friends so-and-so who never had children and were so unhappy for the rest of their lives and their lives were so empty, blah blah blah. I asked her, "Mom, did they WANT kids but COULDN'T have them... or did they NOT WANT KIDS?" Of course if you want kids and cannot have them, you will be sad about it! I know childless couples who really enjoyed their lives without kids! Lol. Not my mother... in rural America, where women are ostracized for not wanting children and thought of as "heartless" (I think that may be the word she used). That said, I have also been encouraged to have children after the coursework portion of my PhD program is over. I probably will have one then, when my schedule is more flexible. But, not sure if I will tell my mother these plans... hahaha... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RubyBright Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 I asked my mom what she would do if I just decided not to have ANY kids (she is grandchild-crazed, too). She then launched into a story about her friends so-and-so who never had children and were so unhappy for the rest of their lives and their lives were so empty, blah blah blah. I asked her, "Mom, did they WANT kids but COULDN'T have them... or did they NOT WANT KIDS?" Of course if you want kids and cannot have them, you will be sad about it! I know childless couples who really enjoyed their lives without kids! Lol. Not my mother... in rural America, where women are ostracized for not wanting children and thought of as "heartless" (I think that may be the word she used). That said, I have also been encouraged to have children after the coursework portion of my PhD program is over. I probably will have one then, when my schedule is more flexible. But, not sure if I will tell my mother these plans... hahaha... I've promised my mother that she well get grand... dogs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
practical cat Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 I've promised my mother that she well get grand... dogs. I've told my mom that I'll never be up for the commitment and responsibility of dogs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amlobo Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 I've told my mom that I'll never be up for the commitment and responsibility of dogs. Ditto. LOL. I have a cat, can't she be happy with that bundle of joy?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annieca Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 My parents have always had a few unspoken rules about my life before I was even conceived. I actually think my Dad decided these and my Mom just nodded, trusting him.1) You will graduate from college2) You will graduate from a Master's program at the least (we want you to get a PhD but we'll start with a Master's)3) You will get married, or have a domestic partnership or whatever your state allows and your gender preference is.4) You will give us grandchildren in some capacity so my mother can buy cute baby clothes.So the whole "no-kids" thing isn't a problem. That, and I'm barely 20 so I think they're sure they've got time.What I love is my father is convinced I'm going to get a PhD when I'm applying to terminal Master's. Yes, at some point in my life I either want a law degree or a PhD but I don't WANT to think about this while I'm applying for Master's. So shh about that! comp12 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhDreams Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 (edited) I did this at first, but I was tired of people going 'huh, that's... neat' in a really patronizing tone. That or, 'but aren't you applying to any good schools?' or going 'but where else' when I finished my Ivy-free list... So now I just say the Ivies all in a rush at the end and follow it with 'but I'm not really holding out for them obviously'. I hope you get into your ivy dream school! I remember when I was telling friends and family about the schools I was applying to last year and one of the most hurtful things that a friend told me, " [insert Ivy school] , NO. [insert State school], YES. Hahahaha Do you actually think that you're [insert Ivy school]-smart." OUCH. I'm soooooo rooting for you!!!!!!!!! I didn't ammend my list. And when I got asked that question again, I answered, "I know that I'm smart enough that I have to try." Edited January 19, 2013 by PhDreams Allouette 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Whistler Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 (edited) in rural America, where women are ostracized for not wanting children and thought of as "heartless" (I think that may be the word she used). This, I believe, is the main problem. I wouldn't mind having kids at one point in my life, but definitely not now. A year I spent teaching primary school English (second language) definitely strenghtened that notion. I don't have the nerves yet. Keeping those plans for yourself seems like a good idea, though. Just so you're sure no one will be bothering you about finishing those studes allready. Ditto. LOL. I have a cat, can't she be happy with that bundle of joy?! Hehe, we have five, mom's probably hoping for grandchildren because they wouldn't be as evil. Edited January 19, 2013 by The Whistler Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhMySocks Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 What I love is my father is convinced I'm going to get a PhD when I'm applying to terminal Master's. ...My parents might have the slight misconception that I'm only getting a masters, even though I'm applying to Ph.D. programs. They just think that I'm planning on leaving after a Masters. Of course, they think that even the masters is unnecessary (...which from a salary perspective is entirely true. But I prefer to think there's more to it than salary) but they are willing to indulge me. I'm letting them hold on to that misconception until I'm finishing up my first years, and then I'll just conveniently choose to stay for a Ph.D. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amlobo Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Hehe, we have five, mom's probably hoping for grandchildren because they wouldn't be as evil. My cat absolutely hates my mother and hisses at her every time she comes to visit. Not a very good "grand-cat"... hehehe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allouette Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 I didn't ammend my list. And when I got asked that question again, I answered, "I know that I'm smart enough that I have to try." That's an awesome answer, PhDreams! I hope you don't mind that I'm totally going to borrow that from now on I'm soooooo rooting for you!!!!!!!!! Thanks so much! I'm rooting for you, too! People are starting to hear things on the Anthro board and the gosh darned results search indicate the next fourteen days may be the most important fourteen days... I don't think I've crossed my fingers harder for anything in my life, ever! REFRESH FASTER, INBOX. WHAT IF SOMEONE EMAILED ME IN THE PAST FOUR SECONDS??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShortLong Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Of course, they think that even the masters is unnecessary (...which from a salary perspective is entirely true. But I prefer to think there's more to it than salary) Actually, I have heard the exact opposite about a Masters. The increased salary you will be making once you get the masters will make up for the time and money spent earning it. The PhD is a different story though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhMySocks Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Actually, I have heard the exact opposite about a Masters. The increased salary you will be making once you get the masters will make up for the time and money spent earning it. The PhD is a different story though. It's going to depend on your field and your current skills. I had job offers with just my bachelors making way more than I need. I'm sure I'd make more with my masters, and over a period of many years it might make up for the two years of lost salary, but it still doesn't seem worth it *for salary alone*. Science! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
practical cat Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Hehe, we have five, mom's probably hoping for grandchildren because they wouldn't be as evil. Ohhhhhhh, she would be wrong then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Whistler Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 My cat absolutely hates my mother and hisses at her every time she comes to visit. Not a very good "grand-cat"... hehehe. Feeding helps. I think my cats would sell their souls for food... Ohhhhhhh, she would be wrong then. A comforting thought for the future... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hegel's Bagels Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Last year after my partner proudly told his family how I was accepted into [ivy School X] his (jerky) uncle said: Well it's not like there was more than ten people applying to that school for a PhD in *Art History* (asterisks added to denote his tone of utter contempt for my chosen field)So humiliating and infuriating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Datatape Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 (edited) Last year after my partner proudly told his family how I was accepted into [ivy School X] his (jerky) uncle said: Well it's not like there was more than ten people applying to that school for a PhD in *Art History* (asterisks added to denote his tone of utter contempt for my chosen field) So humiliating and infuriating. I don't think there's a jury in the world that would vote to convict. Edited January 21, 2013 by Datatape Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
runaway Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Last year after my partner proudly told his family how I was accepted into [ivy School X] his (jerky) uncle said: Well it's not like there was more than ten people applying to that school for a PhD in *Art History* (asterisks added to denote his tone of utter contempt for my chosen field) So humiliating and infuriating. Did you reply "Actually, there were >300?" I would have been so snarky and condescending right back. At least, with my family. Maybe not my SO's... Hegel's Bagels 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Whistler Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 So humiliating and infuriating. I can very easily understand why it was infuriating, but the only person who should feel humiliated is the jerky uncle. I would have probably smiled. Like this: Datatape 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sansao Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Agreed. In no way should you feel humiliated after gaining admission to a PhD in any competitive program. It's not easy or guaranteed, even if you were the only applicant. Hegel's Bagels 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RubyBright Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 I would have asked if he knew because he was one of the rejected ones one year... Mecasickle 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EdYouKateOr Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Agreed. In no way should you feel humiliated after gaining admission to a PhD in any competitive program. It's not easy or guaranteed, even if you were the only applicant. Amen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sansao Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 (edited) "professional student " I really need to stop hearing that one. -______- Edited January 25, 2013 by sansao Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apotheosis Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Science!, sansao, Allouette and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sansao Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Cray. Exactly the word I was thinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EdYouKateOr Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Have you heard yet? (All my LORs) you would think that since they all have Ph.D.s they would know how this works! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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