Post-Acceptance Stress & Misc. Banter

[TripWillis]

I think people who have been accepted on this forum (me included) need to avoid putting it in 0-fer's faces from now on. I know none of us are intending to make people more stressed and angry, but we're doing it. Let's try to only show up in 0% if we want to support our friends.

That said, I know a lot of us who have been accepted still have a lot of legitimate concerns up in the air: Will I get into my top-choice/dream school? How do I decide now that I've gotten into a couple of places? Why do we continue to desire acceptances so much after getting accepted? Does getting rejected a bunch after getting accepted mean that the first programs made a mistake and we're really no good at all? And where do I go to celebrate when I get acceptance number 4?

That's my vision for this thread. Go to town.

[Timshel]

I am totally here. I've gotten one acceptance and then a bunch of rejections. Although I am excited about the program I was accepted at, I'm beginning to feel like perhaps they made a mistake and I actually suck. ugh.

[impending]

The one program I've heard from/been accepted to wants me to accept or decline their TAship offer by March 1. I know technically I can say yes and back out later (and I'm obviously not going to say no with no other acceptances yet), but that makes me feel so anxious/guilty. I'm trying to contact other programs to see if I can get more info to be able to make this decision with any sort of confidence, but the one I called Friday hasn't gotten back to me yet. Ack, I am desperate for more news before the end of this week.

[DorindaAfterThyrsis]

I have a feeling I'll be whingeing in here a lot.

Today's issue:

I just found out that I was awarded an extra fellowship on top of the usual tuition/stipend package from Duke, which elevates their financial offer over Chicago's (especially with cost of living factored in, which I assume is much lower in Durham).

I have yet to visit either school (going this weekend and next), but from what I know so far I feel like Chicago will be a better fit for me.....but I just don't fucking know and I don't know how to decide. I need to seriously start considering these things, but I'm so wrapped up in the self-immolating cycle of getting my hopes up and then talking myself down and then getting my hopes up again then getting rejected, that I don't have brain space for making life-altering decisions. I also have a shit-stack of work to do for school. Maybe I'm self-sabotaging my B.A. so that I won't have to make any hard choices?

So: thoughts on going with a moderately (but not earth-shatteringly) better funding package? Or a perceived better "fit"? And how the fuck do I determine where I "fit" anyway? It's one thing to write about it in an SoP, it's quite another to acctually act upon your perception.....

Also, it's 4am. What the hell am I doing here?

In conclusion, I think having a fully fledged case of impostor syndrome before the application process is even complete bodes really fucking terribly for my future.

A final note: I ramble when I'm stressed. Clearly.

[impending]

Dorinda, if you decide Chicago is a better fit, you should try to negotiate! You can even say exactly what you just said (my prof has been training me on this, ha): I really love the program and think it'd be a great fit for me, but I'm a bit concerned about finances (or teaching load, if you'd rather go for that), and I've been offered a strong fellowship from Duke. Is there anything you can do?

No idea how to go about deciding on fit though. That's one potential cause of my inevitable upcoming panic attack.

[pel]

I totally agree with TripWillis about making other people stressed and angry. I don't think one needs to announce all the schools that he/she gets in except for writing them on the board. And when the decision time comes, we can all discuss and give advice to each other under a separate forum title.

That being said, so far I've heard from only three schools (one acceptance, two rejections) and I almost wish that I am only accepted to that school in order to avoid the painful decision process (which might as well be the case at this point since most of the other schools I've applied o sent our acceptances)

[TripWillis]

It's amazing how much interpretation I am applying to my acceptances v. declines and other people's. Like, I got rejected from Maryland and Davis, but I'm waitlisted at Rutgers. And then I see people who have the reverse, where they get into Davis and Maryland, but get rejected from CUNY and Rutgers. I mean, in terms of general quality of program, that just doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Why do CUNY and Amherst REALLY want me, Rutgers kinda want me, and Davis and Maryland not want me at all? Where is the logic in that? Different kinds of ad-coms? Different pool of applicants? Then I know I shouldn't think that because it's more about fit and, really, most of the programs in the top 25 are very similar in quality. So strange that these schools can have such a wide array of opinions about me. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

[ComeBackZinc]

Good on you, for making this thread. Seriously.

It's amazing how much interpretation I am applying to my acceptances v. declines and other people's. Like, I got rejected from Maryland and Davis, but I'm waitlisted at Rutgers. And then I see people who have the reverse, where they get into Davis and Maryland, but get rejected from CUNY and Rutgers. I mean, in terms of general quality of program, that just doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Why do CUNY and Amherst REALLY want me, Rutgers kinda want me, and Davis and Maryland not want me at all? Where is the logic in that? Different kinds of ad-coms? Different pool of applicants? Then I know I shouldn't think that because it's more about fit and, really, most of the programs in the top 25 are very similar in quality. So strange that these schools can have such a wide array of opinions about me. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

You've said it yourself-- all about fit.

[TripWillis]

I really hope Rutgers happens. I have a very good feeling.

[girlmostlikely]

Not to shoot myself in the foot, here, but I think the thing about Rutgers is that they attract the very best applicants who end up getting a handful of awesome acceptances. My twin sister is in a tippity-top English PhD program (ranked higher than any school I've gotten into, she'll remind me!) and she knows quite a number of people who declined Rutgers. So, though I have no statistics to back it up, AT ALL, I get a hunch that Rutgers has a waitlist for a reason....

Also, Dorinda--another thing you have to consider is not only on what money you'll live, but where you'll live. I don't know much about Durham, but Chicago is a world class city with a great arts scene, the world's greatest bookstore (yes, Powell's is better than Strand, it's better than Harvard Books...) and with fantastic museums. And, as Chicago faculty remind me, a really up-and-coming arts scene on campus. The town my sister's in has about the same standard of living as Hyde Park,and though her stipend is a bit more than mine, she definitely lives comfortably enough to splurge on prosciutto and crab legs for dinner when she wants. (Hi Liz! I'm sure you're reading this.) You're vegan, right? These excesses won't be a problem for you.

Also, Chicago has the greatest veg*n restaurant ever, the Chicago Diner, it cannot be beat.

Not to mention, we haven't had the opportunity yet to do one of the most important parts of learning about and choosing a program: talking with current graduate students.

If it's not obvious, now that I have a number of options, I can no longer say with %100 confidence that I'll be attending Chicago, but I love everything I've learned about the program and therefore I want EVERYONE TO GO THERE.

[ComeBackZinc]

Alright, I'm gonna cheer you guys up. Please, if you haven't been accepted anywhere yet, don't read. And keep the faith-- it only takes one.

Some highlights from the last week or two.

In the student union here, one of those wonderful old grand collegiate buildings, with dusty paintings of past presidents and fancy old stone arches and a flag room, where in the holiday season they get this giant Christmas tree and the local elementary school kids come and sing carols, they keep a fire going in the winter. It was snowing out. I sat in a chair next to the fireplace, facing the window, and just read what I was interested in reading for hours. No purpose, not for a class, not stressing out taking notes, just reading in front of the fire.

I got an email from one of my students. She's one of our brilliant engineering students. The first couple years of engineering are hell, here. They come right out tell the students: we're trying to get you to quit. You're not going to make it. She was looking to see if I would write her a letter of recommendation. She said that she had gone into the semester expecting my class to be a drag, but that it ended up being her favorite class. She told me that I was the only instructor who knew her name.

Yesterday, I got lost in a research spiral for four hours.

In my building, there's the Purdue Online Writing Lab, there's the journal Arthuriana, there's an Indigenous and Endangered Languages lab, there's an audiology and phonology clinic where little kids run around with diodes on their heads so we can do brain scans, there's an Xbox hidden in a room undergrads don't know about, if you need to blow off some steam.... Our offices are mixed between the different programs and subdivisions. In mine, we've got people doing rhet/comp, ESL, SLS, lit and philosophy, theory and cultural studies, getting their MFA. Sometimes I just sit around and listen to them gab about their projects and research. Wherever you guys go, you'll be surrounded by brilliant people doing amazing things. Forget imposter syndrome. People are doing real research, right next to you-- you can't help but feel inspired.

Sometimes my students come to my office hours just to hang and gab about music and movies. I put my feet up on the desk and joke about how hard engineering is.

There's never any money, and the car broke down again, and I can't afford to fly home for my best friend's engagement party. But even in Lafayette, IN, there's a bunch of cool bars where you can get cheap hoppy beer and good pretzels. My girlfriend and I go to concerts and see free movies on campus. Yesterday I helped some brilliant young students carry their solar electric car into the union. We just built the world's fastest campus supercomputer and an electrical wire only four atoms thick. That stuff moves me. There's a farmers market, April through October, just down the street from our house. I try to bike to school twice a week. The secretary will let you sneak some free printing if you're nice to her and I order free books from publishers all the time. Tomorrow I've getting together with some people in my cohort so we can write a panel proposal for the Watson conference. My curriculum design class is putting together an IEP that's actually going to be implemented; you can get cheap milkshakes at the convenience store in the Stewart center. I'm growing a big bushy grad school beard, because why not? The director of my program is brilliant and caring. She's on leave this semester, so she wrote us a letter. She ended it by saying "I love you all," and she really meant it.

On Fridays, I can sleep in as long as I want.

You guys are gonna have everything you wanted. This is just the bullshit you have to put up with for just a bit longer. In 8 months, you'll be ensconced in your programs, and the idea that you could care that some other program rejected you is going to seem like an absurd dream. All of this will be worth it the moment you're writing and researching and you get there and say, yeah-- that's what I want to say. Just hold on.

[bdon19]

Thanks, ComeBack, for a great post. And Trip, for starting this thread.

We're all here because, well, I mean, look at us. We're pretty awesome. Look at how far we've come in just a few short months. Yes, the application process may be hell, but you know what, it's taught me more about myself than I usually learn in years. Just applying has made me realize that, yes, this is exactly what I want to do. Because of that, I think rejection hurts all the more. Like I've said elsewhere the past few days, I have a feeling the rest of the season may be pretty much over for me (I'm looking at two Ivies and Toronto left, minus the M.A. I'll surely turn down because of Ph.D. acceptances), and I'll continue to neurotically check the boards and my e-mail until it's completely over (and until Michigan and Rutgers finally just fucking reject me, already!). But taking a moment to be like, "Holy shit. I did this. This thing that sucked my entire life away for a good nine months or so (hmmmm, weird analogies happening there) has actually worked out and there are programs that want me, me over 98-fucking-percent of people." I mean, that's a pretty amazing feeling. So, go us. We rock.

Let's keep thinking positively, like our good friend and role model Trip Willis, but make sure that the positive thinking goes across the board. I'm sure I won't be successful (especially when those last rejections roll in), but I can try. Let's use this thread for stress-relieving but also positive thinking. WE ROCK. GO US.

[TripWillis]

Not to shoot myself in the foot, here, but I think the thing about Rutgers is that they attract the very best applicants who end up getting a handful of awesome acceptances. My twin sister is in a tippity-top English PhD program (ranked higher than any school I've gotten into, she'll remind me!) and she knows quite a number of people who declined Rutgers. So, though I have no statistics to back it up, AT ALL, I get a hunch that Rutgers has a waitlist for a reason....

This is exactly my train of thought; I feel that if someone can get into Rutgers, with how competitive it is, there is a good chance that at least some of them are also getting offers from Columbia, Princeton, Harvard, Yale, etc. The question seems to be simply numbers; how far up the waitlist am I? Will any af-am people decline? The guy said "close to the top." He also said he'd be calling throughout the month to keep me informed. I mean... that all sounds... promising. At the same time, I really don't want to get my hopes up.

[spasticlitotes]

I am totally here. I've gotten one acceptance and then a bunch of rejections. Although I am excited about the program I was accepted at, I'm beginning to feel like perhaps they made a mistake and I actually suck. ugh.

This.

I have a feeling I'll be whingeing in here a lot.

So: thoughts on going with a moderately (but not earth-shatteringly) better funding package? Or a perceived better "fit"? And how the fuck do I determine where I "fit" anyway? It's one thing to write about it in an SoP, it's quite another to acctually act upon your perception.....

Also, it's 4am. What the hell am I doing here?

In conclusion, I think having a fully fledged case of impostor syndrome before the application process is even complete bodes really fucking terribly for my future.

A final note: I ramble when I'm stressed. Clearly.

And this.

It's amazing how much interpretation I am applying to my acceptances v. declines and other people's. Like, I got rejected from Maryland and Davis, but I'm waitlisted at Rutgers. And then I see people who have the reverse, where they get into Davis and Maryland, but get rejected from CUNY and Rutgers. I mean, in terms of general quality of program, that just doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Why do CUNY and Amherst REALLY want me, Rutgers kinda want me, and Davis and Maryland not want me at all? Where is the logic in that? Different kinds of ad-coms? Different pool of applicants? Then I know I shouldn't think that because it's more about fit and, really, most of the programs in the top 25 are very similar in quality. So strange that these schools can have such a wide array of opinions about me. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

And this.

Alright, I'm gonna cheer you guys up. Please, if you haven't been accepted anywhere yet, don't read. And keep the faith-- it only takes one.

On Fridays, I can sleep in as long as I want.

You guys are gonna have everything you wanted. This is just the bullshit you have to put up with for just a bit longer. In 8 months, you'll be ensconced in your programs, and the idea that you could care that some other program rejected you is going to seem like an absurd dream. All of this will be worth it the moment you're writing and researching and you get there and say, yeah-- that's what I want to say. Just hold on.

And definitely fucking this.

If it helps, any of the people on this thread, yes, I have one acceptance. And I spoke with a delightful professor from that school who seemed happy that we were becoming friends. However...

Six rejections. Four implicit rejections. And guess how many I have left? No, really, guess. Seriously, GUESS. Yeah, you can't. Know why? I HAVE NINE SCHOOLS LEFT TO HEAR FROM.

So I understand. Each rejection, each letter, each status change online, is a little knife to various places on my body. It makes me question the one acceptance I did get (btw, I won't find out about funding from that place until March 12...), and I question myself. I went through four years of undergrad screwing around, and then wanted to go to grad school for English instead of dental school, and thought to myself: hey, I'm a minority, I can do whatever the hell I want! And obviously, did not get in ANYWHERE. So, I paid my dues and spent two years in a decent, non-ranked, local MA program where I really learned stuff (don't ask me what it is right now). Then, I spent a year (said year is currently being unfolded, feels like purgatory) teaching composition, making me realize that yes, I want to teach literature. So, DESPERATE, I stalked about forty programs and the professors in them, and finally decided to apply to thirty. After I hit twenty applications, I died a little inside and stopped. So, here I am. Waiting. Waiting for validation. And it came in the form of ONE acceptance letter. I just... thought I'd get a few more.

And Dorinda - I did my undergrad at Chapel Hill. Pick Chicago. Sleep with whomever you need to in order to get that additional funding. Because honestly, and college rivalry aside, I hear Duke is a cut-throat, painful program, and while it will churn you out to be cut-throat and amazing, will also take your soul.

TripWillis - YOU CAN DO IT. If I were Harvard, I would TOTALLY want you.

[TripWillis]

Alright, I'm gonna cheer you guys up. Please, if you haven't been accepted anywhere yet, don't read. And keep the faith-- it only takes one.

Some highlights from the last week or two.

In the student union here, one of those wonderful old grand collegiate buildings, with dusty paintings of past presidents and fancy old stone arches and a flag room, where in the holiday season they get this giant Christmas tree and the local elementary school kids come and sing carols, they keep a fire going in the winter. It was snowing out. I sat in a chair next to the fireplace, facing the window, and just read what I was interested in reading for hours. No purpose, not for a class, not stressing out taking notes, just reading in front of the fire.

I got an email from one of my students. She's one of our brilliant engineering students. The first couple years of engineering are hell, here. They come right out tell the students: we're trying to get you to quit. You're not going to make it. She was looking to see if I would write her a letter of recommendation. She said that she had gone into the semester expecting my class to be a drag, but that it ended up being her favorite class. She told me that I was the only instructor who knew her name.

Yesterday, I got lost in a research spiral for four hours.

In my building, there's the Purdue Online Writing Lab, there's the journal Arthuriana, there's an Indigenous and Endangered Languages lab, there's an audiology and phonology clinic where little kids run around with diodes on their heads so we can do brain scans, there's an Xbox hidden in a room undergrads don't know about, if you need to blow off some steam.... Our offices are mixed between the different programs and subdivisions. In mine, we've got people doing rhet/comp, ESL, SLS, lit and philosophy, theory and cultural studies, getting their MFA. Sometimes I just sit around and listen to them gab about their projects and research. Wherever you guys go, you'll be surrounded by brilliant people doing amazing things. Forget imposter syndrome. People are doing real research, right next to you-- you can't help but feel inspired.

Sometimes my students come to my office hours just to hang and gab about music and movies. I put my feet up on the desk and joke about how hard engineering is.

There's never any money, and the car broke down again, and I can't afford to fly home for my best friend's engagement party. But even in Lafayette, IN, there's a bunch of cool bars where you can get cheap hoppy beer and good pretzels. My girlfriend and I go to concerts and see free movies on campus. Yesterday I helped some brilliant young students carry their solar electric car into the union. We just built the world's fastest campus supercomputer and an electrical wire only four atoms thick. That stuff moves me. There's a farmers market, April through October, just down the street from our house. I try to bike to school twice a week. The secretary will let you sneak some free printing if you're nice to her and I order free books from publishers all the time. Tomorrow I've getting together with some people in my cohort so we can write a panel proposal for the Watson conference. My curriculum design class is putting together an IEP that's actually going to be implemented; you can get cheap milkshakes at the convenience store in the Stewart center. I'm growing a big bushy grad school beard, because why not? The director of my program is brilliant and caring. She's on leave this semester, so she wrote us a letter. She ended it by saying "I love you all," and she really meant it.

On Fridays, I can sleep in as long as I want.

You guys are gonna have everything you wanted. This is just the bullshit you have to put up with for just a bit longer. In 8 months, you'll be ensconced in your programs, and the idea that you could care that some other program rejected you is going to seem like an absurd dream. All of this will be worth it the moment you're writing and researching and you get there and say, yeah-- that's what I want to say. Just hold on.

This is such an awesome post. April 15th can't come soon enough.

[cquin]

Bummed out at the moment because my last choice school is the one offering me a really nice, guaranteed funding package for five years. My other acceptance (which I prefer much more) will only provide a 50% scholarship. The choice seems clear, but blergh! I like the other program better #EnglishPhdApplicantProblems

But let me end this on a positive note: the fact that we're all posting in this thread means we have at least one acceptance, and that is awesome! I am truly proud of us <3

[TripWillis]

Bummed out at the moment because my last choice school is the one offering me a really nice, guaranteed funding package for five years. My other acceptance (which I prefer much more) will only provide a 50% scholarship. The choice seems clear, but blergh! I like the other program better #EnglishPhdApplicantProblems

But let me end this on a positive note: the fact that we're all posting in this thread means we have at least one acceptance, and that is awesome! I am truly proud of us <3

That is a tough call; go to the one with partial funding and try to get funding for the following year? Or, go to the funded one and try to transfer? Hmm...

[marlowe]

That being said, so far I've heard from only three schools (one acceptance, two rejections) and I almost wish that I am only accepted to that school in order to avoid the painful decision process (which might as well be the case at this point since most of the other schools I've applied o sent our acceptances)

My second acceptance (at my top choice school) was nowhere near as joyful as the first. It was almost painful, in fact, because now I have to choose. I hate saying no to people, and the scholars at the second (choice) school have been incredibly outgoing and wonderful - countless emails, phone calls, encouragement, praise. Their funding package is slightly less generous [no first year funding, although this year's offers are the most generous ever for this program, I think]. Both towns are perfect for me, although the second is probably a better fit for my lifestyle. Programs are equally ranked.

I don't know what to do.

Edited February 21, 2012 by marlowe

[Mr Grimwig]

Great thread!

I am facing the biggest decision I've ever made in my life. I have been so fortunate with my acceptances, and I am eternally grateful. Still, it's going to be a tough decision, especially since yesterday's acceptances at Brown and Columbia were complete surprises. They were reach schools by definition, and I didn't think I had a chance.

I've never been to Providence, so I am definitely going to visit for their recruitment day. I used to live in NYC, so I know what life would be like at Columbia.

Now it's down to very, very critical thinking over the faculty mentors, job placement records, and overall philosophy of each program. I've been reading through all the program's brochures, student handbooks, etc., to get a better feel.

Funding is virtually the same at Brown and Columbia, but NYC living expenses will quickly wreck that equality.

I am also considering which place is more theory intensive, as I tend to be less than enthusiastic (polite version) when it comes to literary theory. I think Brown is more theory intensive, but it's a tough call.

[marlowe]

ComeBackZinc, that post was incredible. Thank you.

And Dorinda - I did my undergrad at Chapel Hill. Pick Chicago. Sleep with whomever you need to in order to get that additional funding. Because honestly, and college rivalry aside, I hear Duke is a cut-throat, painful program, and while it will churn you out to be cut-throat and amazing, will also take your soul.

spastic, NINETEEN! JEEZ. I can't even imagine the time and effort that must have taken. And duh you fucked around in undergrad, you went to Carolina - i can't imagine a more fun four years for you.

As for duke, I have been trying (in vain) to hold my tongue. My biggest personality flaw (I didn't mention it in my applications, though) is my hatred of all things duke.

[BelleOfKilronen]

First of all, congrats to all of you!

As someone who went through this process a couple of years ago, I just wanted to chime in with a few thoughts that I hope relieve a bit of collective tension.

For those of you anxious about deciding which offer to take, try not to worry about it. Your campus visits will most likely make the "right" choice clear to you. Meeting with professors and students in person will really help you develop a strong sense of where you want to spend the next 5-6 years of your life.

And those of you with one acceptance are not the beneficiaries of some strange fluke in the application process! A program isn't going to accept you--and support you, financially, professionally, etc--unless they really want you. The folks at your accepting institution think you're pretty darn awesome, and you should share their enthusiasm for your accomplishments.

Lastly, if you can, try not to overthink it if a school that you thought was the perfect "fit" rejects you, while ones that you thought were a stretch accept you. The ever-elusive "fit" issue, while important, is out of your control in ways that, as an applicant, I know I myself never imagined. Grad committees rotate in many (most?) schools; in some cases, there's a good chance that not one person you want to work with is even reading your application. And some schools that read like they're great fits for us aren't in reality. (There may be great schools that, when it's all said and done, you're actually grateful you didn't get into, based on what you later learn about their program, important faculty changes that you weren't aware of when you were applying, etc. It's sort of like when you really like a guy but he doesn't want to go out with you, and you later realize it never would have worked out anyway, even though he was totally hot.)

[RoundandRoundAgain]

My stress is related to my only acceptance with Brandeis and my waitlist at UCR. I applied to 15 schools, only 2 of which were MA programs (I ran out of time for Brandeis's PhD so I wound up applying to the MA program) and it's looking likely that I'm not going to get into any of the PhD programs that I have left (except Tufts, please, Tufts, take me!). I suspect that I'm ultimately going to wind up with a choice between Brandeis's MA and UCR's PhD. The pros and cons for each situation are terribly difficult. Even with the debt, Brandeis is a wonderful program that I can complete in one year which is important because I'm 32, but I don't really want to go through the PhD application process again so soon. Yet I know there's so many things I could have done better in terms of overall application so a do-over might not be the worst thing. As for UCR, I love the faculty, the classes, the overall department, but it is my alma mater and that could be a bad thing down the road once I graduate. I really want another acceptance if only to make this particular decision easier.

[TripWillis]

I have to say, my biggest is concern at this point is this: what if April 15th rolls around and I have to accept CUNY, but then Rutgers contacts me after and says I'm in? How does one decline after accepting and what are the consequences?

[Winston]

Hi everybody!! Never had the guts to post anything till now, but still, the forum was like crack cocaine during the last couple of months.

I applied to 15 comp lit programs and so far got into Indiana University (rejected from the Ivies and than some more) and although I'm still waiting on a few, seems like it's going to be Bloomington after all. The only thing, see I was given a first year fellowship and than, well, nothing. My POI said there are plenty of funding opportunities and TAs stuff I can be appointed to, given my good grades and all, but nothing is promised, which kinda suck because after all, I will take my family from Brooklyn, NY to Indiana. I'm sure he's right about the future opportunities. It seems like they don't want to say anything just in case, you know, to cover their asses so I won't come with a lawyer or something and say "you promised!"

So even though I don't really have a choice between schools, this is a big decision! I was hoping to get into UOregon but after this morning's result board I guess that ain't going to happen. So what do you guys think? Would you take the offer and move your life just because a POI said that things are going to be okay?

[Origin=Goal]

My second acceptance (at my top choice school) was nowhere near as joyful as the first. It was almost painful, in fact, because now I have to choose. I hate saying no to people, and the scholars at the second (choice) school have been incredibly outgoing and wonderful - countless emails, phone calls, encouragement, praise. Their funding package is slightly less generous [no first year funding, although this year's offers are the most generous ever for this program, I think]. Both towns are perfect for me, although the second is probably a better fit for my lifestyle. Programs are equally ranked.

I don't know what to do.

It's best not to jerk a program around and jump through all the hoops-- as well as spend their diminishing recruitment, tie up the admission spot for someone else, etc--if you're SURE you aren't going there...it was strange, but I declined two offers already. One of which was from a faculty member I was close with, hinting that, since I had gotten a much better offer elsewhere, I should consider declining early; his ability to recommend someone else was tied up by my admission, and I had no intentions of going there.

So it might not be easy (its actually quite difficult), but you really are doing more harm than necessary by waiting til the 15th of April on a decision that is for you already made. The department and the DGS at the rejected school will live, don't worry; in fact you'll be helping them more by giving them some time to find the best replacement possible. Of course, don't prematurely decline if the choice is not so easy, but we all really should be more inclined to do so. The second school's recruitment weekend I couldn't make (due to work), and simply told them I declined when I declined the visit (I imagine they kind of got the point anyway).