pregnant and scared

[thefuture]

I recently found out I am pregnant. It was unexpected and I did take measures to prevent it. That being said, I've been with my boyfriend for many years and we did plan on having children in the future, just not while I was doing my PhD. I am at the "candidate" stage, but I am really scared to tell my advisor and committee; I don't think they'll be happy. I am very stressed about this and would appreciate any suggestions for how to handle this situation.

[manierata]

Lots of women have babies during a PHD.  Probably not ideal but it happens, it's doable, and you shouldn't be worrying about your committee's reaction.  If they care about you, they'll be supportive!  Congratulations are in order!!

[Dark-Helmed]

From what I've heard, post-quals might actually not be the worst time career-wise to have a baby. You might want to check out the discussion on this topic at The Chronicle's forum (https://chronicle.com/forums/index.php/topic,81697.0.html)

[thefuture]

Thanks for your encouragment.

 

I should clarify, I don't think it's so much that I'm scared about handling it, personally (I'm in the candidacy stage; in my late 20s; my boyfriend has a good income; and we've been together for many years and both want children).

 

The problem is that my department openly discourages female PhD students from having children and I've known this from day 1. I've spent all this time being a professional, diligent and competent student and now I'm worried about being written off because I'm pregnant. This is what I'm afraid of.

 

It's early in my pregnancy, so I've got some time, I'm just wondering about the right way to approach this.

 

 

 

[Dark-Helmed]

Oh. That's much harder.  

 

Do you have a sense of who the departmental anti-children hardliners are so that you can start tilting your interactions towards members of the department who might be more receptive to letting their experience with you outweigh their perceptions?  Is there a support group for graduate student parents at your school? Probably some of the mothers there will have some good school-specific advice and resources.

 

There isn't all that much you can do: you'll probably want to keep the news under wraps for as long as possible and hope/expect that your established track record of excellence and continued professionalism will suffice. 

 

And, finally, congratulations!

Edited April 12, 2013 by anxious_one

[fuzzylogician]

First off, congratulations!

 

I agree with what's been said above. At the end of the day you can postpone telling your advisors some, but not indefinitely. Lets hope that their interactions with you will outweigh preconceived perceptions about pregnancy during graduate school. At the same time, the best way to try and help yourself is probably to try and find the people who will be more supportive and try and work more with them than with anyone who you suspect will make your life harder. Is there anyone in your department who you trust and can consult with? Are there other parents among the students? They will have direct experience dealing with different faculty members and will know who among them is less tolerant. Maybe there's also a faculty member who you trust and can consult with? When you're ready to share the news, I'd start with those who I consider my strongest supporters and maybe even get their advice on how to approach the others. There might also be groups on campus outside your department that could help you deal with some of the steps. I think these concerns you're having are not uncommon among new/expecting parents, unfortunately. I think my general thought is just to get as much support as you can, and be active about seeking out those individuals and groups who might be able to assist.

[misskira]

I would first educate yourself on university policy regarding maternity leave, protection for your position, and any anti-discrimination policies.  If you encounter problems, definitely document them.  Stay polite, but firm and consistent.  If you get a hard time, go up the chain.

[St Andrews Lynx]

My only advice would be to discuss the pregnancy with your advisors & committee in the professional, diligent and competent way that they've come to expect from you. Come up with a new timeline for dissertation writing & thesis defense to lay out during the same discussion: hopefuly that will iterate your desire to (a) continue working hard ( finish promptly.

 

Congratulations & good luck!

[Andean Pat]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!! (Sorry, that's all I can say! I am so happy for you! )

[SeriousSillyPutty]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!! (Sorry, that's all I can say! I am so happy for you! )

My thoughts exactly.  Not to minimize your problems, but babies are so amazingly wonderful!

As others have mentioned, I've heard dissertation phase is actually a relatively good time to have a baby, because you have the most flexibility in your schedule.  Our department is more family-friendly, I think, as some of the students had kids before they joined the program.  Another person in the program had a baby in what would have been her second year of classes; they arranged for her to do more in the summer, to make up for not getting a stipend one semester.  Now she's back in classes, and besides all the normal mom craziness is back to the normal routine.  So, even when it's at a less convenient time, it can be done.

All this to say that your DEPARTMENT is the problem, not you or your baby.  If they want to be sexists (I don't use that term lightly) and seek to further limit the opportunities of women to be in academia, you don't have to apologize to them.  (I'm really ticked off on your behalf right now.)

In addition to scoping out your school's policies (the graduate student center or student senate may point you to the right sources, if you don't know individuals), it's worth scoping out what benefits your boyfriend has for "paternity leave" -- some companies are actually pretty generous.  If you come to your adviser with a plan in place -- how much time you'll need off, how your boyfriend is also making sacrificing, how you will arrange things after maternity leave, etc. -- then I think you will still appear like your professional self.  Rumors do spread quickly though, so I think it's best to tell your adviser once you have a plan in place, before it spreads to everyone else in the department.

Lastly, you need to buy this:

.

[thefuture]

Thanks everyone, this is good advice. You reminded me that this is something good. I've been so worried about how this could affect my career that I haven't had much of a chance to be happy about it.

 

anxious_one, I do have a sense of the anti-children hardliners are and, unfortunately, one of them is my advisor. I have a great relationship with him, so hopefully that will count for more than my "accident" (and that's really what it was).

 

fuzzy, the students in the department who had children during the program are male (there's a double-standard there), so it was more or less overlooked. It would still be good to talk to them, though.

 

I'm not that far off from finishing and I don't think this will slow me down much.

 

I will post an update when I decide to tell my advisor. Meanwhile, I'll try to wear loose clothing.

[SNPCracklePop]

Hi.  Your advisor and committee members will likely be much more supportive and happy for you than you think.  There is more to life than graduate school, and if any of them have children, they certainly know.  As for you, you will be fine.  I started my program with a near 1 year old and my wife had our second child at the end of my first year.  There will be sleepless nights, budget constraints, and utter chaos at times, but you'll get through it one day at a time.  Let your committee know, they'll be supportive, and you can happily get on with work and preparing for that baby.  Congratulations!!!

[juilletmercredi]

All I have to say is eff them.  Seriously.  It's your life and your body.  First I say take time to be happy about being pregnant and get really comfortable and used to the idea of being a mom.  You have to feel comfortable and confident in yourself before you can approach your advisor about it, and you have to take an "eff you this is my life" attitude before you can approach your advisor.  That can take some time to develop, so take your time.  You don't really have to tell your advisor until you get to about 3-4 months.  I agree that you should take this time to lay out a dissertation timeline (a realistic one) taking into account maternity leave and baby care.  In a few weeks, you should also start thinking about child care arrangements; one thing I've heard from dissertating friends with babies is that thinking you can easily dissertate while baby sleeps is a farce.  You'll need at least occasional childcare to give you time to write.  Also find out about maternity leave policies at your university for doctoral students.  There should be an HR office that can give you this information without informing your advisor - or someone else who isn't your advisor should know.

 

Once you're comfortable and happy and in a good place and have things settled - diss timeline, an idea of what you might do for childcare, ideas about maternity leave length and when you might want to take it, etc. - then I would set up a meeting with advisor and matter-of-factly say something like "Professor X, I wanted to let know that I am pregnant and expecting my first child in January 2014 (or whenever).  I've thought about how this will affect my dissertation timeline and completion, and I wanted to discuss my timeline with you so I can begin to make arrangements and plan ahead."  Keep the discussion on your dissertation and not your life choices, which are really none of your advisor's business.  His only concern is how and when you are going to get finished.  You can also use this time to discuss applying for external or internal funding if you'll need funding to cover the additional time, but I would just talk about it all very matter-of-factly and straightforwardly, focusing on the completion of the dissertation as a task and not WHY you need to plan around these things.

 

If he makes any comments judging your choice, you can say something flippant like "I understand you feel that way/sorry you feel that way/[some other polite way to say I don't care], but I just want to talk about how I'm going to get finished at this point."  If you're getting vibes that he's really against the whole thing and that he's going to be a difficult prick, then you can say something like you're sensing his discomfort and you just want to make sure he's on board for this.

 

If he's not...then you can visit the university ombuds.  (They can be really helpful!)

 

Finally, congratulations!  Babies are cute and can be awesome.  I'm nearly in candidacy myself and I have a lot of flexible time - it seems like as good a time to have a baby as any, especially if you are headed for the tenure-track, for which there is no good time to have a baby.

[Sijae]

I think you need to re-order your thinking to realize that it's nobodies business if you planned it or not; it's a personal issue and frankly none of their business. I know realistically the academy is a not a friendly place to women, and having a child during grad school can be difficult. However, I think you should approach it as if it's 100% ok, and, like someone else said, be very familiar with your institution's policies. I think it's really important that you approach it as a personal matter that you inform them about eventually, but not one about which you invite commentary or share details about. The less details you share, and the more confidently you act about your "decision," the less openings you give for negative feedback. If you do get negative feedback, *any* negative feedback, document it.  Every. single. negative. statement, email, or comment. Really, because it's NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS what you do with your uterus. I'm not saying go on the offensive, but you need to protect yourself if you think this department is hostile.

[CageFree]

The only question that matters here is: do you *want* to become a mom right now? Forget what anyone else thinks. This is YOUR decision and yours alone.

 

If the answer is yes, then you should have your baby. If the answer is no, then look at your other options (and whatever you choose is OK too!). But DO NOT, under any circumstances, give up something that will make YOU happy for someone else... least of all, a professor.

 

Think of it this way. If you were male, you would not be asking yourself whether your professor thinks your wife/gf should have a baby or have an abortion. And no professor in his or her right mind would demand that she do so.

 

No professor should influence your reproductive decisions. Choose what is best for YOU.

Edited April 14, 2013 by CageFree

[Zorah]

You don't have to tell your advisors. It is really not their business. Complete your dissertation and be done with it all. 

[whirledpeas13]

I would like to quickly weigh in. Pregnancy, for many, is long and hard. I have a 10.5 mo old, and when I was pregnant I was wry fatigued, nauseous, couldn't think straight, etc, etc. You will want to inform your Professors and anyone you work with professionally if it will affect your work. Simply let them know, ask for extensions, etc. I have been so encourages by the overwhelmingly positive responses I have received from my professors and advisor. It is a very complex situation to navigate, so don't do it alone!