Finding a husband in graduate school.

[LittleDarlings]

Yep. 

 

I'll give you a guy's perspective for a change. When a guy sees a desperate girl, he sees someone who will put up with anything. You want to know why you only date assholes? Because you're desperate.

 

Relationships are about making sacrifices for each other. Any respectable girl will have things she will and won't tolerate. A guy is willing to do these things for the girl he loves. I don't mean completely changing who he is. (That's a controlling relationship where the girl only loves herself.)  I mean making small changes. But lots of them.  It might not be easy. It might take time. But he'll do it. That might mean cleaning up after himself, that might mean putting on a clean shirt now and again, that might mean not cursing at the dinner table.

 

Now, I used the word respectable. A respectable guy is willing to make changes for the girl he loves. An asshole isn't. That's why assholes go for desperate girls. You can sense it. It's really not hard. This entire board can tell you're desperate. An asshole knows a desperate girl will put up with anything. He can leave the house trashed, he can wear the same clothes for a week, he can rifle off 4-letter words at the dinner table--hell, he can fuck your best friend--and you're not gonna do a thing. Because you're desperate. Because you need him. Because you'll have a panic attack if he even mentions breakup.

I mean I do have some standards I don't just accept every single thing lol I mean I'm not as selective as I could be but I wouldn't put up with cheating I don't think...

[FestivusMiracle]

Bingo!

 

It's like that scene in Sleepless in Seattle, when Annie (Meg Ryan) is watching An Affair to Remember with her best friend (Rosie O'Donnell) and she keeps talking about how "that's when people knew how to be in love!" Her friend's response: "You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie." Romantic comedies have taught women that life and happiness revolve around finding a man. You can be independent, successful, etc., but without that man, when you go home your success is hollow, and you secretly sit in front of the TV watching old movies and downing pints of Ben & Jerry's (but not gaining a pound, of course).

 

Truth is, being single in your 20s is pretty close to ideal, especially if you plan on having a family at some point. That's the best time to travel, read, go to concerts, pick up hobbies, get an education, and start building a plan for retirement. The girl who has her crap together is the one who attracts quality men... in large part because she doesn't NEED one.

I was reading through this thread, trying to think of this movie scene, but i couldn't remember which movie it was in. You nailed it, though. Great movie, btw. I may have to watch it after i get done with this semester (this is my last week).

On another note, this thread is fucking stupid, but it has kept me entertained during a super busy week, and for that i thank you.

[LittleDarlings]

I was reading through this thread, trying to think of this movie scene, but i couldn't remember which movie it was in. You nailed it, though. Great movie, btw. I may have to watch it after i get done with this semester (this is my last week).

On another note, this thread is fucking stupid, but it has kept me entertained during a super busy week, and for that i thank you.

... You don't have to be rude.

[FestivusMiracle]

Sorry, that wasn't a comment about you, and probably sounded worse than I meant it to sound. I just thought it was funny that the thread has been going in circles for like 8 pages.

[LibraPorLibra]

So, I'm not exactly sure that I want to comment on this.  However, you seem to have a misinterpretation about how women at the top of their field do not seem to have personal lives.  (Sorry, I didn't read every page but the idea I'm getting is that you need your "perfect life" early.)  

 

Have you come into contact with clinical social workers and clinical psychiatrists?  I come into contact with either professions on a pretty steady basis.  In fact, I've become friends with a few.  You see, we work in immigration services.  Not only helping people with resettlement issues but also the mental stress that occurs with such a drastic life change.  Some bring their mental illnesses with them.    Anyways, these folks do their time at our place and then have their own practices.  I've mentioned this because I'd like you to have an understanding about the hours of work involved.  They've accomplished your future dream: a success practice.

 

Each one of these woman has the opposite viewpoint than you.  While you are in a rush to be married, have a long term relationship or children out of graduate school, these successful women are devoting their "early years" to their professional life.  In our girl chats, they don't expect to even consider marriage until 30 or mid 30s.  Why?  It takes time to build a practice and you need to devote yourself to building your reputation.  Once you have a reputation in your field and you are a mainstay, that is when these women feel it is the best time to get married or have a family.  Keep in mind, many "young love" relationships do not stand the test of time.  The person you are in your early 20s isn't necessarily the person you remain to be in your late 20s.  Would you want to be building your practice/reputation when you have so much personal drama going on behind the scenes?  If you want to help people, this isn't the best foundation.  

 

Also, I think there is a lot of confusion that you wouldn't have a "social life" while building your practice.  Again, personally speaking, the women I know DO have very active and vibrant social lives.  Then again, a social life at 22 is a lot different in comparison to someone that has graduated and professional responsibilities.  I mean, that is not the say there isn't the odd wild weekend.     And no, not all of them is involved in a long term relationship at the moment.  Sometimes, just dating without a mission can be fun.  Furthermore, the ones that are married or with their boyfriends met these great guys later on.  Definitely not at 22.  Think about this, Mr. Perfect Guy needs time to find himself and develop his career also.  

 

Perhaps, in the end, you'll find the person you're meant to spend the rest of your life with at graduate school.  Perhaps, you'll find him in the future at professional engagements.  Focus on your education and you know what, life just happens.  It's always the women on a "man hunt" that never seem to get their prey.  (I think along the lines of the desperation posts.)  Just because the people around you are having children or married, it doesn't mean that is the right plan for you.  You're on the outside looking in; the grass is never greener on the other side.

 

This is coming from a married woman.  I met my husband when my car needed service and he just happened to be the mechanic working that day.  A die hard economist and a grease monkey.  Sometimes, you never know what happens.  I hope this comes across as a respectful reply and I hope that you see there is no "ticking clock" in life.  Take care.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Each one of these woman has the opposite viewpoint than you.  While you are in a rush to be married, have a long term relationship or children out of graduate school, these successful women are devoting their "early years" to their professional life.  In our girl chats, they don't expect to even consider marriage until 30 or mid 30s.  Why?  It takes time to build a practice and you need to devote yourself to building your reputation.  Once you have a reputation in your field and you are a mainstay, that is when these women feel it is the best time to get married or have a family.

It seems to me that she doesn't want to be the bread winner of the family. It seems like she wants to go to grad school to have something to do for fun after the kids go off to college and she's bored at home knitting socks. The thing is, most of those women don't get their degrees until later on in life. I've taken classes with women in their 40's and 50's who are wives of wealthy men and came to college to get an MFA in poetry because it's fun, not because they needed to make a living. But Pinkster seems to be going the opposite route. She's going to college as a young 22 year old, hoping to get out of her parents' house and become a responsible adult. The women you mentioned who didn't want to get married until in their 30's were women who wanted to gain their own success, find out who they truly are, gain independence and then find a man. Pinkster doesn't seem to want that. She's very conflicted and lots of the things she says are contradictory. 

Edited December 9, 2013 by JoeyBoy718

[pearspears]

There is no reason why you shouldn't be able to date in graduate school...what is the problem exactly? You can also online date while you are taking classes.

[nugget]

I'm enjoying the discussion but sometimes I feel as though the conversation is going in circles. I guess it's hard to keep track of all of things previously said when people join the conversation late and have not gone back to read some of the previous comments. 

[LittleDarlings]

I'm sorry that this has gone on 8 pages, I didn't expect it to. I have kind of cut back my responses but I want everyone to know I am reading them and I appreciate them. I guess for me I'm not like out there now I have no real way to meet guys at this moment because I'm pretty much at home all day. What if my grad school life is like that?! I feel like I am kind of using grad school to meet guys because there isn't a way for me to right now, unless I meet him at the gas station on my way to another date or at Walmart or maybe Christmas shopping:)

[nugget]

I'm sure you're reading the comments, Pinkster. I was referring to people who join later on and make suggestions that were already discussed on previous pages, that's all. 

Edited December 9, 2013 by jenste

[Loric]

So.. Pink.. just curious..

 

What makes you good husband bait anyways? One of the things I find most attraction in another person is knowing themself, their desires, their reasons for being, etc... Knowing what they want to do, where they want to go, how to get there..

 

All of those things you seem not to know.. which suggests if you really want a husband - because I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this feeling - is that you need to find these answers for yourself before you'll really become high quality husband bait.

[LittleDarlings]

What makes me husband bait? I have no idea in all honesty. I'm funny, cute, and I have a personality where I can talk to people and actually hold a decent conversation even if I'm not interested at all. I do know what I want and I know how I'm going about getting it. Beyond that I have no clue, I would just be a great wife and mother

[Loric]

Why would being able to hold a conversation in which you have no interest be a good thing...?

 

I'm more concerned as to why you'd put yourself in such situations...

[LittleDarlings]

I mean I can start conversation with anyone which is good I assume right? I'm a people person

[Loric]

I mean I can start conversation with anyone which is good I assume right? I'm a people person

 

Why have the conversation if you're not interested in it though? I'm all for starting it for the sake of trying something new.. but why be proud to continue it if it's going nowhere?

[LittleDarlings]

Because idk I mean its a good skill and you never know just because one convo doesn't interest me doesn't mean others won't. I don't know I would just be a good wife I'm dedicated and I learn quickly

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Haha you learn quickly? That would make you a good wife? That makes you sound like some obedient housewife from the 1950's who keeps trying until she bakes the perfect meat loaf for her husband after a long day's work. 

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

To expand on my previous post... Your reasons for making a good wife are kind of embarrassing. What makes someone a good wife, to add on to what Loric said, is someone who is just a good person. I mean good person as in their all around "being." Learning how to live with each other comes later. The important thing is learning how to "be" with each other. That's why it's important to just know who you are, be independent, have a high character, be interesting, etc. That's what everyone should strive for, regardless of if they're looking to get married. 

 

On the other hand, your qualities for being a good wife are your ability to learn quickly (whatever that means), your obedience, your loyalty, your ability to stay in a conversation that doesn't interest you (I assume to please your husband). To be frank, it sounds like you're striving to be a robot. What was that movie? The Stepford Wives or something. You have a 1950's mentality that a wife should know how to cook and clean while the husband is at work and then ask good question (like, "How was your day, honey?") at the dinner table. 

[LittleDarlings]

I just grew up watching the old Doris Day movies and stuff I wanted that. My dream was to meet someone marry him and stay at home being a wife and mother. I just wanted to cook and clean and send my babies to school and take care of my husband when he came home. I am kind of past that now I do want a career because I think being at home allday everyday would be awful lol. I don't know what would make me good wife material, I just think I would be a good wife, I was a good girlfriend.

I used to say I wanted to live in the 50s because more than likely if I did I sold be Married with kids and I wouldn't be expected to go to school, but I mean having a degree is useful so far and I don't regret that.

Edited December 10, 2013 by Pinkster12

[hj2012]

To add to what Joeyboy said, it's also kinda insulting to your future husband....I would hope that he would marry you because he loves you for your personality, unique qualities, etc ... not because he thinks you're going to be obedient and clean the house. If that were the case, the guy should find a housekeeper, not a wife.

[LittleDarlings]

I think I have a good personality, that would make me a good wife to be, I am also super loving and would be a great mom and I'm protective.... Idk

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

To add to what Joeyboy said, it's also kinda insulting to your future husband....I would hope that he would marry you because he loves you for your personality, unique qualities, etc ... not because he thinks you're going to be obedient and clean the house. If that were the case, the guy should find a housekeeper, not a wife.

You can't bang your housekeeper. 

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

I think I have a good personality, that would make me a good wife to be, I am also super loving and would be a great mom and I'm protective.... Idk

I agree with those qualities being important for being a mother. Being a mother is different because you're responsible for the development of a human life. Lots of career women are shitty mothers. But I don't agree with the notion of striving to become a wife for the sake of being a wife. Being a wife is not an occupation. You're making it sound like one. 

[hj2012]

You can't bang your housekeeper. 

 

[madamelulu]

i think yall need to get off her ass she say she wanna educate herself and have a career but above all else she wanna dedicate herself to a family and ain't nothin wrong with that. she prolly just a lovin nurturer and thas what make her happy. every woman don't need to be aspirin to be michelle obama or some shit to be livin right. and i dono why loric is up in here like 'what make you good enough to be a wife'. nobody should be subjected to that douchey ass backwards question, you don't gotta answer to that girl

 

that said, i think you need to just do you in the mean time girl. make sure you always lookin right but not to please some dude, just so you always know you hella bomb. you seem anxious. you just need to work on ya own confidence and do you these next few years and the niggas will come to YOU trust me. look at beyonce. she always just been like work work im hot gotta stay focused and all the dudes still up on her dick and she prolly bouta hit menopause soon