first generation students

[gsams]

Bhou,

Was this directed at me? If so, thanks so much, but I write mostly for fun. One of my thesis advisors really believes I should write something. I have a lot of stuff - fiction - but it is a hobby, I guess. I'm a wuss and afraid to submit it to publishers because it isn't the same as getting an academic journal paper reviewed. I can take that criticism.

[Phyl]

Both my parents barely made it through high school. My dad worked a job he hated most of his life and took his frustrations out on my mom and I. My mom is really unambitious and doesn't want anything other than to please my dad. Neither has anything to make them happy, no friends, no social lives, jobs they hate, and it was all in the name of "Saving For My Education". They had a plan for me. I was supposed to get a full scholarship to a state school, live at home and become a kindergarten teacher, marry (then I was allowed to move out) and start making them some grand-babies.

During high school being at home was pretty unbearable, so I joined a ton of clubs, volunteered, worked, did all my homework in the library and took my time of it. My sophomore year one of my best friends had a baby, I swore to not have sex until I was out of high school so I would never go through that. Come senior year I had a fabulous resume, great grades, my parents were too busy fighting with each other to notice I applied to strictly out of state schools far enough away to never have them drop in unannounced. I struggled through selecting schools to apply to, I didn't really know what I was supposed to want. I got offered a full tuition scholarship to a very nice school 8 hours away that I found because I was offered some random award that came with a scholarship.

It was hard since seemingly everyone was upper middle class, had designer clothes, been to Europe, and didn't worry about money. The girl next door had a rough day, called her mommy who told her to order something from Tiffanys for herself. A (over dramatic and entitled) girl down the hall ran up a $5,000 credit card bill (all the purchases in the same day)cried to her grandpa that her trust fund wouldn't cover it, so he paid it all for her. I started working, joined a sorority and found a lot of people who were more like me. I went a little nuts partying, enjoying the freedom of being able to have friends, boyfriends and a social life. I met a nice guy, settled down a bit, went to therapy to build up some self esteem and recognize that how I grew up wasn't healthy or normal.

I knew I wanted to go to graduate school but I wasn't really sure what I wanted. I talked with my boyfriend's parents, who both have PhDs and they made some suggestions. I couldn't commit so I decided on taking a break from school. I had an okay position right after graduation until the company did layoffs and there I went. The day I moved back in with my parents they handed me an application to be a cashier at Walmart and told me it's what I deserve for not being a teacher. I spend a lot of time at my boyfriend's parents house, and while my parents don't get why I decided to go back to school so I'll have "more useless pieces of paper" I get my support from his parents. My time off from school only ended up being a year but I feel better for it. If anything living back at home has shown me how incredibly nuts and abusive my parents are and it just doesn't get to me anymore. They are so glued to Fox News they don't notice me much anyway. Most of my friends from high school that stayed in the area are married with babies, the same jobs they had in high school and no aspirations. I volunteer in a library and animal shelter when I'm not working to stay out of the house.

So far I have one acceptance, should hear more in the next two weeks. I found my support elsewhere. I'll be moving in with my boyfriend in our own apartment in a few months once we know where I'm going. While I'll never be a kindergarten teacher/baby factory my parents want me to be I think I'm doing very well for myself. Good luck everyone, and keep at it. We are doing something right to get where we are and for whatever our background was or wasn't hopefully we learned something from it. I mean I know I'll never run up a $5000 credit card bill on shoes in a 2 hour period.

[RNadine21]

Both my parents barely made it through high school. My dad worked a job he hated most of his life and took his frustrations out on my mom and I. My mom is really unambitious and doesn't want anything other than to please my dad. Neither has anything to make them happy, no friends, no social lives, jobs they hate, and it was all in the name of "Saving For My Education". They had a plan for me. I was supposed to get a full scholarship to a state school, live at home and become a kindergarten teacher, marry (then I was allowed to move out) and start making them some grand-babies.

During high school being at home was pretty unbearable, so I joined a ton of clubs, volunteered, worked, did all my homework in the library and took my time of it. My sophomore year one of my best friends had a baby, I swore to not have sex until I was out of high school so I would never go through that. Come senior year I had a fabulous resume, great grades, my parents were too busy fighting with each other to notice I applied to strictly out of state schools far enough away to never have them drop in unannounced. I struggled through selecting schools to apply to, I didn't really know what I was supposed to want. I got offered a full tuition scholarship to a very nice school 8 hours away that I found because I was offered some random award that came with a scholarship.

It was hard since seemingly everyone was upper middle class, had designer clothes, been to Europe, and didn't worry about money. The girl next door had a rough day, called her mommy who told her to order something from Tiffanys for herself. A (over dramatic and entitled) girl down the hall ran up a $5,000 credit card bill (all the purchases in the same day)cried to her grandpa that her trust fund wouldn't cover it, so he paid it all for her. I started working, joined a sorority and found a lot of people who were more like me. I went a little nuts partying, enjoying the freedom of being able to have friends, boyfriends and a social life. I met a nice guy, settled down a bit, went to therapy to build up some self esteem and recognize that how I grew up wasn't healthy or normal.

I knew I wanted to go to graduate school but I wasn't really sure what I wanted. I talked with my boyfriend's parents, who both have PhDs and they made some suggestions. I couldn't commit so I decided on taking a break from school. I had an okay position right after graduation until the company did layoffs and there I went. The day I moved back in with my parents they handed me an application to be a cashier at Walmart and told me it's what I deserve for not being a teacher. I spend a lot of time at my boyfriend's parents house, and while my parents don't get why I decided to go back to school so I'll have "more useless pieces of paper" I get my support from his parents. My time off from school only ended up being a year but I feel better for it. If anything living back at home has shown me how incredibly nuts and abusive my parents are and it just doesn't get to me anymore. They are so glued to Fox News they don't notice me much anyway. Most of my friends from high school that stayed in the area are married with babies, the same jobs they had in high school and no aspirations. I volunteer in a library and animal shelter when I'm not working to stay out of the house.

So far I have one acceptance, should hear more in the next two weeks. I found my support elsewhere. I'll be moving in with my boyfriend in our own apartment in a few months once we know where I'm going. While I'll never be a kindergarten teacher/baby factory my parents want me to be I think I'm doing very well for myself. Good luck everyone, and keep at it. We are doing something right to get where we are and for whatever our background was or wasn't hopefully we learned something from it. I mean I know I'll never run up a $5000 credit card bill on shoes in a 2 hour period.

Just....wow....

I'm going through a similar situation at my current school. A lot of people have well-off parents who bought their nice cars and pay for everything, and it's annoying at best and downright depresses me at worst. I still remember my freshman year when a girl rolled into the laundry room with a cart (the carts we usually use to move in/out) of clothes and announced she had 30 loads. Who has that much clothes?! It's a little worse now when my friends want to go out and eat and buy drinks and pitchers of beer and I just want to be able to keep up with them.

I'm so sorry you grew up in such a horrible environment, but it's great that you've found a wonderful support system. Good luck to you!

[Lillian]

I was also a McNair Scholar. It is a wonderful, life-changing program. Like stated above, if any prospectives are browsing these boards that have the desire to attend grad school, there is no better avenue to take for underrepresented students. Find a school that offers the program, take part, and you will not be sorry.

I'm also a McNair Alum- and older first generation student-- just finished my first year. I do see a difference in how I percieve the work of grad school from others in my program who are not McNair or first gen grad students. At times when the work was overwhelming the experience of McNair particularly the 2009 Buffalo conference McNair speaker has been one of the view things to pull me through. My grad university does have a McNair program and I was told to drop in by my own McNair director- as this would offer a place of support/enthusiasm. Has anyone done this?

Also, my outlook as a first generation grad has allowed me to help several undergraduate students also first gen during this past year who mentioned this in their reviews of my sections. So- while family can be a bit of a drag- which I think comes from fear of the unknown, change, and insecurity that is brought about by your learning and expansion of understanding- it's sooo worth it! I know of four (including myself) first generation students who were accepted into PhD programs at top ranking universities including George Washington, Columbia, NYU and Yale whose families and friends were less than supportive! You just have to construct network of positive people and "mind tapes" to push through these folks misunderstandings which may as I mentioned stem from fear of the unknown and the assumption of being outgrown (particularly an issue for close family members- friends naturally are outgrown after all you can't go to grad school become something better ect and still hang out at the 7-11 or the local tap anymore!)

[khalif54]

On 6/18/2009 at 5:16 PM, ms1986 said:

Wow, I am so glad I found this board! I am a first generation student...no one in my family, and I mean no one, has a college degree. I also come from a low income family, but I am able to attend college with the assistance of grants, loans, and scholarships. I will be graduating summa cum laude in December from a state university and I am currently in the process of applying to grad scool. I am applying to 2 ivy league universities and a few other top tier schools, but I must admit I don't feel very encouraged simply because I don't come from the "proper" pedigree and I am coming from a state school. My undergraduate academics are stellar, but sometimes I feel like I won't have anything in common with students at ivy league schools and I will just be clueless. My family is supportive, but I get frustrated because they don't really understand why I need to go to graduate school. I am open to any advice anyone has on how to make the adjustments from undergrad. to grad. and how they manage to get by being the first person in your family to go to graduate school.

As a first generation URM college graduate from an extremely impoverished background (i.e the real hood), I can tell you that you can go as far as your mind will allow. I am currently earning a PhD at an Ivy league institution and to be honest the most important thing is to find a good adviser. Stuck up people are everywhere, including state schools. The only pedigree that will matter in the end is the work that you produce. The relationships with fellow students will come as you get involved with different research teams and projects. With regard to admissions, your grades will be enough to get you past that part of the scrutiny but if you want to ensure that you get admission AND great funding you have to do well on the GRE. Prepare thoroughly and do not give up if at first it seems difficult--with time it can be tamed.

Good Luck

[coyabean]

The best parts about a low-income upbringing is that living on a 1500 stipend isn't that much different than any other time in life, and when that 6 figure job drops we'll have the common sense to still live like we do on that 1500 stipend

For real! LOL

I love all of the complaints of the impoverished graduate student life. I've worked -- I mean HARD work -- for that much, if not less. To make that to do something I would do for free? Is insane!

I tell the students I currently mentor in the program I attended last year to remember the importance of contextualizing this kind of typical grousing. When people say things like "hard", "poor", etc. they should ask what they mean by that before internalizing that message. I wish I would think 75k a year is a slave wage. smh

[coyabean]

I was in the McNair Scholars program and then worked for it. I have a few close (and probably lifelong) friends as a result. It was an atmosphere of constant motivation, not to mention, I think it made grad school seem tremendously easier (I'm just finishing my first year). There is still the unavoidable stress of a hefty reading list and lots of papers to write, but nothing is unexpected and for that I am grateful. I highly recommend it to any prospective grad students perusing this board.

Ditto. It and a similarly funded Mellon program -- MURAP -- changed the entire trajectory of my life. I cannot credit it enough for clarifying my interests, proving I could do it, providing superstar references and getting me into a stellar program. My mentors and cohort are now among my dearest friends and having a supportive environment in which to explore ideas and culture has been invaluable.

[i.am.me]

bump

Well, I wanted to keep this thread alive since I'm afraid there are others like myself that haven't or have just read it. This thread is funny and inspirational [...and a touch melancholic] and I'm sure many others would greatly benefit in reading it. I haven't started applying yet but will be taking some classes in the upcoming term. My goal is a PhD in the field of International and Comparative Education.

Like many others on the thread, I am also a first generation college student, first generation American, and grew up in poverty. I'll be frank though, I hadn't realized for long time [until teens] that I was considered "underprivileged' by others in higher socioeconomic families. LoL! I was a day dreamy kid [and adult] and I preferred to make my own doll dresses and dream house out of cardboard than pester my parents to buy them. I was convinced my creations were superior.

But I digress. As an adult, I have come to realize that there are others in this world that are not so much concerned about how far I've risen in life...they are more concerned about from the poverty in which I had risen from. And, they never fail to remind me. These are the same people who tell me that despite my education and goals, I need to remain humble and "keep myself down to Earth." When was I ever not? Even when I was volunteering in Cambodia or sponsored for a trip to Japan, there were still people around me who mentioned [and smirked] at my roots. ::shrugs:: I guess it was because I stood shoulder to shoulder with some of those "elites" and refused to cow down before them in prostration. Oh, and I also outshined them. People in the community, whether elite or not, are watching to see my "inevitable failure" because they believe I've reached too far beyond my means...Well, I'm sorry to disappoint but I was born hard headed and audacious which serve to make me too dang stubborn to fail.

Despite my poverty, my parents did not raise me to think I was less than others. They don't understand and cannot really support my educational goals, but they are very proud to have given life to me as I am proud to be their daughter. My parents are the only people who can demand me to humble myself before them, but they never do it. They're Asian and they've never asked me to put aside my education for marriage. In fact, when people ask them why I'm still single, they say, "My child has Buddha in her heart, he's her only man." LoL

I feel blessed but also anxious because I've always depended on them for emotional support. But I'm one for going for what I want and desire and I have great faith that eventually everything will be OK in the end despite the struggles along the way.

Edited August 20, 2010 by iampheng

[gsams]

iampheng,

Good for your parents for raising you proud of what you ACHIEVE rather than what you have.

I was far from poor growing up, but I had to earn everything I wanted. I was not allowed a car in high school and college and had to share one with my sister when she got to be driving age. My parents owned it, they paid insurance, but I worked my ass off in the summers to pay for college expenses and gas to get to/from. My parents live well below what they make so that they could send us to college. They paid my tuition for the most part and will pay my sister's, but I had to pay for everything else. We didn't live with huge luxuries - a small house, small, normal cars. My parents are in the second highest tax bracket and save it all. A lot is donated to charity and the rest is savings. I could ask them for help if I needed to and they would without expecting repayment, but they raised me to pay it back. We lived simply and were told that work was what made the difference. Neither of my parents went to grad school, but both have been remarkably supportive, despite the fact they have no idea what I do.

Both my parent's are from working class (at best) backgrounds. My mother was raised in poverty. There were days when there was barely food in the house and Christmases with no presents - unfathomable to me or my sister, for example. They always stressed that we should be proud for our work and not because Dad makes six figures. After all, I am poor, it's not MY money.

I can still remember when I was nominated by my department for the most prestigious undergraduate award at my university. She told me, "The best part is, sweetie, that you did this all on your own. Mom and Dad haven't done it. You did." She said this because this award is often given to family members of wealthy businessmen and women. I was lucky in that I got nominated based on merit not who I knew. No, not lucky, I worked HARD to do what I could to distinguish myself.

Chin up, girl! Like I said, I can't fathom what you have come from, but that only makes the triumph so much sweeter. You will show them and when you do, it will just prove that dedication trumps all else. Your parents have raised you well and God bless them for it. I wish I had met more kids like you in my days. Life is always full of the entitled, which I don't understand. I am thankful every day when I wake up and realize someone is giving me 20k a year to do exactly what I love. I wouldn't have it any other way.

[coyabean]

bump

Despite my poverty, my parents did not raise me to think I was less than others. They don't understand and cannot really support my educational goals, but they are very proud to have given life to me as I am proud to be their daughter. My parents are the only people who can demand me to humble myself before them, but they never do it. They're Asian and they've never asked me to put aside my education for marriage. In fact, when people ask them why I'm still single, they say, "My child has Buddha in her heart, he's her only man." LoL

I feel blessed but also anxious because I've always depended on them for emotional support. But I'm one for going for what I want and desire and I have great faith that eventually everything will be OK in the end despite the struggles along the way.

How much do I love your parents?!! LOL

This thread has lingered with me, too. I have mentioned to non-cafers, even. What struck me is the cross section of ethnicity and identity of the commenters. I wish we could remember these similarities more in "real" life. :/

[kerjim]

OK, someone has to say this--this thread seems like a collection of cheesy college application essays. You're already in grad school. Do you still need pads on the back? Here, good job, good job.

You know you did good work and made good choices. Other people know you did good work. But so did virtually everyone else who got into good grad schools. No one is going to look down on you for coming from low-income families or for being first generation students, and if they will--they're just a bunch of jerks.

I grew up in Eastern Europe and came to the U.S. at 19. My parents' combined income at home was less than $1000 a month, for a family of five, which wasn't much more when adjusted for PPP. Yes, I went to a college well below in USNEWS rankings than others I was accepted to, based on financial aid. Yes, I had to work crappy jobs in college. Yes, I studied while some other people went to Bahamas for spring break. Yes, I worked hard academically and missed some fun. But so did numerous other people from way wealthier families. In America, parents' income does not equal kids' income. A lot of my upper-middle class friends had to serve tables, work at supermarkets or for maintenance to pay their college bills, but they never asked for a pad on the back. I am well aware of the outcomes of my graduating class, and it's those that were motivated and worked hard that succeeded, regardless of parents' education or income. In terms of grad school applications, parents rarely ever know enough to be more helpful than, say, thegradcafe.

In my graduate program, the vast majority worked very hard to get here, and still work hard. Grad life is not a lifestyle of luxury for virtually anyone. Things valued in grad school are intelligence, motivation, hard work and humor, not family background.

So, I suppose it was worth answering someone who was unsure about the social environment and attitudes in grad school, but 5 pages of rubbing each other's egos for "overcoming the odds?" I thought it would end on page 2, at most. You've made it, congratulations! Now get over the "disadvantages you had to overcome" and get down to work to continue to succeed.

[coyabean]

OK, someone has to say this--this thread seems like a collection of cheesy college application essays. You're already in grad school. Do you still need pads on the back? Here, good job, good job.

Actually no one had to say it. You just wanted to say it. Good job, good job.

You know you did good work and made good choices. Other people know you did good work. But so did virtually everyone else who got into good grad schools. No one is going to look down on you for coming from low-income families or for being first generation students, and if they will--they're just a bunch of jerks.

Actually, every one here and millions of other people have experiences that are the exact opposite of what you say will never happen. Indeed, you allow that your never scenario can, indeed, happen with your second clause describing the people who will do it as jerks. Either/or, homie.

I grew up in Eastern Europe and came to the U.S. at 19. My parents' combined income at home was less than $1000 a month, for a family of five, which wasn't much more when adjusted for PPP. Yes, I went to a college well below in USNEWS rankings than others I was accepted to, based on financial aid. Yes, I had to work crappy jobs in college. Yes, I studied while some other people went to Bahamas for spring break. Yes, I worked hard academically and missed some fun. But so did numerous other people from way wealthier families. In America, parents' income does not equal kids' income. A lot of my upper-middle class friends had to serve tables, work at supermarkets or for maintenance to pay their college bills, but they never asked for a pad on the back. I am well aware of the outcomes of my graduating class, and it's those that were motivated and worked hard that succeeded, regardless of parents' education or income. In terms of grad school applications, parents rarely ever know enough to be more helpful than, say, thegradcafe.

You then make the odd decision to do what you accuse all of the other posters of doing: telling your own hard knock story of woes. So, no one else is entitled to their histories but you are entitled to offer yours as evidence of the irrelevancy of others'? Interesting choice. Perhaps they do that in Eastern Europe. I knew they did it in Texas and Alaska. Nice to know it is not a domestic issue, this convoluted egocentric circular approach to logic.

In my graduate program, the vast majority worked very hard to get here, and still work hard. Grad life is not a lifestyle of luxury for virtually anyone. Things valued in grad school are intelligence, motivation, hard work and humor, not family background.

You'll also want to take note that one's personal experience is widely considered a very poor substitute for data and analysis. While it is interesting that you know hard-working children of wealthy people that fact in no way negates any experiences had by others. It is useful only in determining your own experience, and the human mind's ability to reconstruct memory and experience actually calls into question how useful it is at even doing that.

So, I suppose it was worth answering someone who was unsure about the social environment and attitudes in grad school, but 5 pages of rubbing each other's egos for "overcoming the odds?" I thought it would end on page 2, at most. You've made it, congratulations! Now get over the "disadvantages you had to overcome" and get down to work to continue to succeed.

I have never rubbed another's ego a day in my life! And never would I. Just the idea of physically touching something so, so, well, intangible is both abhorrent and impossible in my construction of reality.

Also, any acceptable limits on the number of allowable posts about any subject suggests some serious issues of delusions of grandeur on your part. There are no such acceptable limits. Why two pages of sharing is allowable but not five is also so arbitrary as to make a joke of the numerical system even being employed.

What this post was and what it will continue to be if only by own decree is a safe space where people who have had challenges in acclimating to academia can share those experiences. As sharing those experiences has been beneficial to readers, I have good reason to believe that it will continue to be beneficial. That depends largely, however, upon ad hominem attacks on the character, motivations and autonomy of the posters being challenged and kept to a minimum. Thus my response to the kind of post I would normally ignore.

This whole thing renews my interest in an anti-douchebag internet filter, though. Could someone in one of the CS threads maybe get to work on that?

Edited August 23, 2010 by coyabean

[i.am.me]

This whole thing renews my interest in an anti-douchebag internet filter, though. Could someone in one of the CS threads maybe get to work on that?

LoL

Regardless of that poster's remarks, I will continue to be quite pleased with myself nonetheless for being the Cambodian ghetto kid that made it out. As should everyone else for their own accomplishments.

Edited August 24, 2010 by iampheng

[kotka]

OK, someone has to say this--this thread seems like a collection of cheesy college application essays. You're already in grad school. Do you still need pads on the back? Here, good job, good job.

(..)

So, I suppose it was worth answering someone who was unsure about the social environment and attitudes in grad school, but 5 pages of rubbing each other's egos for "overcoming the odds?" I thought it would end on page 2, at most. You've made it, congratulations! Now get over the "disadvantages you had to overcome" and get down to work to continue to succeed.

Lol! this is so typical Eastern European. Like something my dad would say if he read this thread.

Talking about my dad, he is very disappointed that I did not get into Columbia University . I got into a fairly good program in the US, but my dad, who lives in Eastern Europe and went totally bankrupt while I was in college, thinks it is not good enough. The rest of my family thinks I am a loser, because I am still in school and do not have a baby.

[kerjim]

Lol! this is so typical Eastern European. Like something my dad would say if he read this thread.

Talking about my dad, he is very disappointed that I did not get into Columbia University . I got into a fairly good program in the US, but my dad, who lives in Eastern Europe and went totally bankrupt while I was in college, thinks it is not good enough. The rest of my family thinks I am a loser, because I am still in school and do not have a baby.

Haha, yeah, my dad doesn't understand why I'm not at Oxford:) He thinks that if he doesn't know the school, it's not a good one, and he probably knows just three--Harvard, Oxford and Moscow State University. Unfortunately for many dads out there, many good programs are at schools that are not globally prestigious. I think, though, most people understand the general idea of investment, delayed compensation and low discount rate on future earnings. However, my family does question now and then why I'm not married and have kids at 24. I have to explain that I'm not gay just because I'm not married at 24:)

[kerjim]

Coyabean, I did not mean to be negative in my post. My idea was to provide a point of view that had not been previously presented--that even if you have worked hard and have achieved your goal of graduate study, having come from a less-than-privileged background, it is not necessary to develop excessive pride to overcome the possible lack of confidence and/or inferiority complex that you might (or might not) have. What I suggested was attaining the confidence and getting rid of potential inferiority feelings without having excessive pride, because other people have worked just as hard. You may disagree with this message and be defensive about it, but I see how it can also be interpreted as a positive, rather than a negative, post.

The point of providing my story was to reinforce the point I made at first. Namely, having come from a low-income background, I do not feel I'm better than those who happened to have been born in wealthy families. I do not think it should be a criteria by which to judge people in graduate school. Now, you can decide if it is a destructive or a constructive idea.

I apologize for providing anecdotal stories instead of results of diligent data collection. I'll go do that and report back to you. Would you like me to write a paper for you?

I'm not gonna answer every single thing you said. I'm not sure why you went through all of that effort, but I think your post was certainly more of a personal attack than mine. In fact, I think your attack on my post was way more douchebagy than my post. And your suggestion about censoring me...well, I think there are reasons for you to consider being embarrassed about it.

In any case, you may continue in the whining mode as much as you want, I just reminded of the possibility of looking at at it a different way.

[coyabean]

Coyabean, I did not mean to be negative in my post. My idea was to provide a point of view that had not been previously presented--that even if you have worked hard and have achieved your goal of graduate study, having come from a less-than-privileged background, it is not necessary to develop excessive pride to overcome the possible lack of confidence and/or inferiority complex that you might (or might not) have. What I suggested was attaining the confidence and getting rid of potential inferiority feelings without having excessive pride, because other people have worked just as hard. You may disagree with this message and be defensive about it, but I see how it can also be interpreted as a positive, rather than a negative, post.

The point of providing my story was to reinforce the point I made at first. Namely, having come from a low-income background, I do not feel I'm better than those who happened to have been born in wealthy families. I do not think it should be a criteria by which to judge people in graduate school. Now, you can decide if it is a destructive or a constructive idea.

I apologize for providing anecdotal stories instead of results of diligent data collection. I'll go do that and report back to you. Would you like me to write a paper for you?

I'm not gonna answer every single thing you said. I'm not sure why you went through all of that effort, but I think your post was certainly more of a personal attack than mine. In fact, I think your attack on my post was way more douchebagy than my post. And your suggestion about censoring me...well, I think there are reasons for you to consider being embarrassed about it.

In any case, you may continue in the whining mode as much as you want, I just reminded of the possibility of looking at at it a different way.

You said:

-this thread seems like a collection of cheesy college application essays. You're already in grad school. Do you still need pads on the back? Here, good job, good job.

You thought that could be interpreted as positive? You called the comments "cheesy". "Pads on the back" was intended to infantilize your audience. The "good job, good job" goes further in condescending to those who have posted.

You did not mean to be positive thus your negative language and continued use of hyperbole and condescension. You simply did not expect anyone to respond to you. Now you've decided to recast your initial aim but words do not lie.

Carry on. I just want everyone to feel comfortable posting their stories without attacks on their intent, worth or right to do so.

[kerjim]

Ok, forget it. You're right, I'm wrong. Keep it up. I'll go do some work instead, leaving you with some Kipling to consider: http://www.davidpbrown.co.uk/poetry/rudyard-kipling.html

[alt1922]

Hi,

I know this post was written quite some time ago but I just had to respond to it! Your eloquence in describing your background really grabbed me. I found myself shaking my head emphatically "yes" a number of times. Substitute rural North Carolina for me but still so very similar.

Thanks for sharing your experience!

Bump! Let's keep this one active!

I'm a first generation college graduate and I think there are definitely hurdles we face that others do not.

First, there are--undoubtedly--family issues. My mom kept telling her friends (and sisters) that I was getting an AA in Sociology and that I would graduate and then get a BA. It was cute, at first, but then it was confusing... Especially when she crossed out "BA" on my graduation invitations, thinking I had made a typo. And as supportive as she is, she and other members of my family think I'm an elitist--they think I think I'm better than them. It's stupid family drama, I know, and we all love each other... but it makes the holidays a little harder every year.

Second, there are--undoubtedly--class issues that change your college experience. Working a full-time job and trying to be a full-time student with extracurricular activities is trying. My senior year of undergrad, I switched to a part-time job in order to get my GPA up to a 2.85 (which I managed to do). My boss offered to pay for me to take the GRE and I cried at work that day. I read (especially on this forum) about folks who take the GRE multiple times and I cringe a little. Even taking it twice would keep me from paying the rent. And people without these experiences will ask, "Well, just because you don't have money doesn't mean you can't do well in school. It's your own fault." And I'll admit that I could have gotten better grades, but I also ask them to kindly imagine having to walk 2 miles to school five days a week because your loser boyfriend disappeared or was got drunk after he promised you a ride; and to imagine the one or two days a week you just didn't want to walk that far for something that seemed so pointless. Or the nights you spent in the emergency room with your dramatic grandmother who wanted a tube in her nose while she told you how disappointed she is in you--feigning heart attacks all night. Or the cold that turns into pneumonia (twice), strep turns into mono, broken glasses make you read with a magnifying glass for a few weeks, that jerk-of-a-boss changes your schedule and you don't get to take the final (because, really, I could deal with a C easier than I could with living in my car, again).

Then, when you finally apply for grad school, you're instructed not to "tell some sob story" in your SOP. "Don't be so maudlin." Well, I'm not trying to. I'm trying to communicate to my future graduate school that the difference between working at McDonald's forever and getting a PhD is going to be in the funding available. I want them to know that I come from a long history of generational poverty--the kind that reaches up and grabs the nearest ankle almost out of sheer spite. And that I've clawed my way out of that pit through dedication (though not as much as I would have liked) and stubbornness. I fought to get where I am now. If my dedication doesn't make up for something as meaningless as a GPA, then that school is not right for me. (And, for the record, my graduate GPA is a 3.9--I've made one B.)

Living in a drastically undereducated part of the country (Kentucky), I can tell you that some folks are given opportunities and the ones who aren't almost never get them. This is a part of the country that relies on creating a boundary between insiders and outsiders--and getting an education makes you an outsider. You grow a love and a hatred for your home and your family--you love your family but you hate their ignorance and their unfounded distrust in you. You. The same you you've always been--the little sister who got her pigtails pulled or the daughter that always spilled her food onto the table. You feel the constant need to remind your family and friends that you're still that person.

And thanks for letting me let off some of that steam.

[robot_hamster]

Hi,

I know this post was written quite some time ago but I just had to respond to it! Your eloquence in describing your background really grabbed me. I found myself shaking my head emphatically "yes" a number of times. Substitute rural North Carolina for me but still so very similar.

Thanks for sharing your experience!

Wow, this is an old thread. I agree with you, this post really grabbed me too. Some of the things talked about really hit the nail on the head.

[Kathiza]

I'm very new here on GradCafe and I read many postings in this topic. I don't want to tell too much of my private life, but I understand many of you and I feel with you. Especially family issues make life really hard for me (them thinking that I'm thinking I'm better). Same starts to happen with my friends who didn't go to college or who don't intend to get a PhD. I consider myself very down to earth. I have to think before spending my money, I have to actually work for my money. It's great if somebody does not have to worry about these things. But I just feel like those people don't really get me. And so it's particularly hard fo me to be told that I don't fit in with people who have a similar background like me, just because I have an advanced degree.

And another thing: I actually was asked if I'm gay (by a family member) because I'm not married and don't have a boyfriend or kids even though I'm in my mid-20s.

[redbull]

This topic is spot-on guys.

I was also a McNair Scholar (along with my sisters) and had an amazing undergrad experience. My family was generally very supportive.

Now that I'm in grad school, however, I feel like my family is beginning to resent me. After undergrad, I basically left the United States and worked abroad for two years. When I came back a few months ago, some members in my family started acting strange. They think I changed. They think I think I'm better than them.

It's all nonsense. They're afraid I'm going to go off and get married to some C.F.O. and pretend like they never existed. It is frustrating, because I grew up believing in the power of an education, but now I'm getting mixed signals about my academic career.

Interesting times...

[kleisthenes]

I love this thread, andI wanted to offer some encouragement for those who do feel like they face a harder struggle because they've come from a different background with less opportunity and less support.

I'm mixed race, first generation, from a low income family with three siblings and I'm deaf and I'm gay - not that the latter should be a detriment, but living before the repeal of section 28 (prohibited conversation about homosexuality in schools and colleges) in the UK I definitely felt isolated.

I'm 28 now. At 23 I was a complete flop, I was three years behind my university peers, grades were grating the ground and I had resigned myself to a life making coffee. I blamed those around me - my parents for not giving me opportunity, for not showing me what was possible, my teachers for giving up on me and not inspiring me, and my friends for ridiculing the concept of university education or any of my far-fetched dreams. I am deaf in both ears too, and repeated setbacks and problems with hearing aids and medical complications have meant there is never any stability for my hearing.

Around that time, a friend recommended an internship abroad. On first impression it seemed ridiculous. I could never afford it, let alone the fact that no one would accept me. Such was my rooted misery.

But it was my only opportunity, so I worked my ass off in my final year and achieved great grades. I'd worked p/t throughout university and when I graduated was promoted to a management position at my coffee bar, not great but good enough to save money, and a year later, at 25, I moved to Washington to take a three month internship.

Around this point I stopped blaming others for my problems and that's when things started to change. By accepting my limitations I was able to take control over them and take responsibility for them. I decided to let my ambitions run riot.

Things kind of bloomed from there. I stopped blaming others and realised my limitations and worked to them. I was lucky to be offered a fellowship at the NGO I worked for, I was able to take advantage of networking opportunities in Washington and volunteered widely. I moved back to the UK and to London - that holy grail - and took a lowly position at an incredible NGO which gave me great experience. Now I'm working in rural India on a one year leadership programme.

I'm applying to universities in the US where I don't have access to loans, but I'm trying to make that work. Fellowships, stipends, grants, etc. Like others here, I'm hopeful that I'll get funding, but at the same time, I'm weighing my alternative options on the off-chance that I don't.

If you accept your limitations and don't aspire to what others have, but make the most of what you have; and if you find your own direction rather than trying to replicate the direction of others and ultimately failing because you don't have access to the same resources; and if you try to make your own path rather than follow in the footsteps of others; you can really achieve wonderful things.

I know this isn't applicable to everyone, but as someone who has worked solely in the charity and public sector (with the except of my coffee shop days), finance can be the biggest hurdle. You just have to persevere and persist and opportunities will become available!

Edited February 23, 2011 by kleisthenes

[Kathiza]

If you accept your limitations and don't aspire to what others have, but make the most of what you have; and if you find your own direction rather than trying to replicate the direction of others and ultimately failing because you don't have access to the same resources; and if you try to make your own path rather than follow in the footsteps of others; you can really achieve wonderful things.

Wow, that's a very wise thing to say. I should keep that in mind. Thank you!

[mmm]

I really appreciate this post. Courses and professional goals are only half of school, so it's encouraging to hear others' experiences with integration into "academic culture."

My own background certainly isn't as extreme as some here. Although my father now has a profession-related M.S. (the first in person in either side of my family to obtain a college degree), he didn't finish school until after I entered undergrad, so I definitely have experience with growing up in a rural, blue-collar, and low-income family structure.

Even though my family has been fairly upwardly mobile (in a financial sense), I still acutely sense the lack of social or cultural capital. When I finished high school, for example, my parents were unable to offer any advice about college besides "You should go." As a consequence, I chose one school to apply to (more or less at random), and went there. It worked out alright in the end, but I still regret my ignorance of the basics -- things like "Apply to more than one school" or "Not all schools are academically equal."

Fortunately, my parents have been supportive of my graduate aspirations, even if they don't understand the academy. The opinion of my (still blue-collar, low-income) extended family is decidedly less positive; for them, grad school is a completely foreign world (and everything foreign is obviously bad, or at least not worth one's time). Mostly I deal with this by deliberately adopting a working-class persona at family gatherings. If I'm dressed like I just got back from fishing and talk like I just got back from fishing, they tend to ignore my status as a student. It's a strange, in-between space to live in, though.