Living alone or with roommate

[bsharpe269]

I am currently working on my MS and living with family. I am in the middle of applying to PhD programs and have been thinking about whether I prefer to live alone or with a roommate throughout my PhD. I realize that my ability to live alone will depend on the cost of living of the area I move to and isnt guaranteed. Assuming I move to St Louis or somewhere on the cheaper end though, what are you guys thoughts?

 

I am a bit nervous to live with a roommate since I will be bring my 2 small dogs with me and also want the ability to date without worrying about dating with a roommate. The negative to living alone though would be potential loneliness. I like being around other people and could definitely see myself getting lonely if I spend night after night in my apartment. This might be solved by putting effort into meeting up with people for study groups and being social. Do any of you live alone and if so, do you like it?

[smg]

I've been thinking similar thoughts.  I'd prefer to have roommates or a roommate.  Living alone has its perks but also its downfalls.  It's nice when you can socialize naturally at home rather than having to seek it out after a long day of solo work.  At the same time I've had terrible roommates just as often as I've had great ones.  For me I think the best solution would be have one or two roommates also in grad school and committed to their research but also up for drinking a beer or two, three, four, five...once or twice a week.  This last year I lived alone and it was so-so.  It was frustrating in different ways than living with others.  In particular I dislike eating dinner alone but I also never found my roommate's friends passed out drunk on my kitchen floor at four in the afternoon either. 

[beccamayworth]

Each has its pros and cons! I've had some wonderful roommates and yes, it was very nice to always have someone to talk to, watch tv together, etc. Mostly, it was great to have someone I could count on if I needed help, assurance, or a hug. BUT - it's really hard to find roommates with whom you mesh that well. Unless you sort of already know someone you could live with (maybe other first years, maybe a friend who lives in the new town), it would be difficult to find someone that you believe would be a great fit. If you do choose to go this route, please be careful with craigslist - I've had some wonderful roommates, but I also had some... less than great experiences.

 

I should add, though, that even living with amazing roommates has its limitations. I missed having me-time (I think I need more me time than most people). Silly things slightly annoyed me - like every inch of space in the fridge being occupied, or waking up early because they were up earlier than me (not their fault at all - they were fairly quiet, but the apartment was small and I'm a light sleeper). 

 

So when I moved to a PhD program I decided to live on my own. I told myself - if it gets too expensive, or if I get too lonely, I can always change my mind and get a roommate next year.

 

I LOVE living on my own. I spend so much time on campus, in the office, hanging out with my cohort, that when I get home I don't feel lonely at all. What I feel is extremely grateful to have my own little place, where I can do all the things I want to do, and feel completely at home. I do have a cat - which is also great, and I'm sure contributes immensely to this general sense of happiness. 

 

My main piece of advice is: you can change your mind. Whatever you choose, after that 6 month or 1 year contract is done, you are free to change things up.

[nugget]

I have one roommate who is often gone for the weekend. This works out pretty well for me. I get her company during the week and privacy on the weekend. Perhaps you could find a similar situation, or rent a basement apartment in a house with students renting out rooms upstairs. Where I live, there are lots of student rentals with this kind of set up. In that sort of situation you might be able to hang out upstairs sometimes and retreat to your basement apartment when you want privacy.

 

Something I've learned from experience is that if you have more than one roommate, you will rarely have an entire day or weekend home alone unless it's during holidays. The odds that all of your schedules will coordinate perfectly for that to happen are not too high and it will be a rare occurrence. 

Edited December 29, 2014 by jenste

[ss2player]

Each has its pros and cons! I've had some wonderful roommates and yes, it was very nice to always have someone to talk to, watch tv together, etc. Mostly, it was great to have someone I could count on if I needed help, assurance, or a hug. BUT - it's really hard to find roommates with whom you mesh that well. Unless you sort of already know someone you could live with (maybe other first years, maybe a friend who lives in the new town), it would be difficult to find someone that you believe would be a great fit. If you do choose to go this route, please be careful with craigslist - I've had some wonderful roommates, but I also had some... less than great experiences.

 

I should add, though, that even living with amazing roommates has its limitations. I missed having me-time (I think I need more me time than most people). Silly things slightly annoyed me - like every inch of space in the fridge being occupied, or waking up early because they were up earlier than me (not their fault at all - they were fairly quiet, but the apartment was small and I'm a light sleeper). 

 

So when I moved to a PhD program I decided to live on my own. I told myself - if it gets too expensive, or if I get too lonely, I can always change my mind and get a roommate next year.

 

I LOVE living on my own. I spend so much time on campus, in the office, hanging out with my cohort, that when I get home I don't feel lonely at all. What I feel is extremely grateful to have my own little place, where I can do all the things I want to do, and feel completely at home. I do have a cat - which is also great, and I'm sure contributes immensely to this general sense of happiness. 

 

My main piece of advice is: you can change your mind. Whatever you choose, after that 6 month or 1 year contract is done, you are free to change things up.

 

Great post! I feel the same, I enjoy having a safe space to come home to that I KNOW is free of drama and (mostly) under my control. Plus I had gotten used to living by myself in my previous city and I'm a little too old to be having roommates and not look awkward (I'm 28).

 

Which leads me to ask OP: have you lived alone before? Have you ever lived away from family at all? If no, it might be easier to get a roommate your first year to ease the transition. A new city, starting school, AND having to adjust to living alone might make your first year pretty intense. After that, you can make a change as you see fit depending on how you feel. I almost did that coming to Houston but my SO decided to move with me so we ended up getting a place for ourselves; if I had moved single I'd have liked the buffer to help me integrate my new life.

[GeoDUDE!]

Living alone is fine I think once you've made many friends, but I use roommates to help me meet people outside of my department. Those are good friends to have, especially if you are looking for people to date.  Try it for a year... whats the worst that can happen?

 

 

Also, whats to worry about when you have a roomate? He/She just recognizes the bro code and stays in his room, or you just stay in yours. Everything fun happens in the bedroom anyway =D (like mario kart).

Edited December 29, 2014 by GeoDUDE!

[gliaful]

I lived alone for awhile, but I lucked out in that I made friends with my neighbors (who went to the same school). On a few nights out of the week, either they or I would cook and we'd all have dinner together. It was nice because at the end of it all I had my own place to go back to, and it was only a few steps away.

So perhaps there are particular apartment complexes that many students in your future department live in, and something similar could work for you. The advantage of this situation is that it's as social as you want it to be, but you can always hermit up if you want time alone.

 

I've lived with friends from school, but this was only difficult because we had similar schedules. There were passive-aggressive attempts to steal the bathroom in the morning -- on one occasion, the bathroom door was shut and I could hear the shower running inside...but my roommate was in the kitchen, trying to prevent me from taking the shower so that she could shower when she wanted to.

 

The first time I lived on my own, my roommate became psychotic and was diagnosed with schizophrenia 1 month after moving in. He turned all of the furniture in the house upside-down and started screaming from underneath the upside-down couch at 2am. His parents took him back to their house and I had to pay rent alone while I found a new roommate. I doubt that this is a common problem, but I would make sure that your potential roommate is stable and reliable (kinda goes without saying, but I learned it the hard way).

[Between Fields]

I've done it in the three major ways: normal roommate, significant other, and alone. I've been the most productive living alone, because on the weeks where I absolutely have to get stuff done I can do so in my home office (rent is cheap here) without worrying about the annoying stuff that being stressed out produces: i.e. a mountain of dishes I can get back to when I want, laundry on the floor, etc., that even the roommates in my program found time to bitch about during the stressful points of the semester.

 

I like being able to decide how social I'm going to be on a given day and worry about cleaning on my own schedule and to my own level of comfort. I did think it would be lonely at first, but I made friends in the department pretty quickly, and I've realized that even when I do live with people, I'm mostly in my own room doing my own work, so I don't think the amount of time I've spent interacting with humans has changed drastically.

[LittleDarlings]

I thought you were getting married? Maybe i am confusing you with someone else.  Anyways I live alone. I love it so much! I have a small 1 bedroom apartment about 25 mins from campus. I do not pay a lot.  I can't imagine a roommate at this point, I would hate having to deal with someone else haha 

[bsharpe269]

Thanks for the input! I have lived away from family. I lived with roommates for 4 years during college and with a significant other for a year after while working. I have never lived alone though. I ended up with some terrible roommates during college which is one of the reasons that I am nervous to go that route again! One in particular would blast music in the apartment at 2am regularly, when I had exams the next day. Thats nothing compared to pasteltomato's story but still pretty bad...

[beccamayworth]

 

The first time I lived on my own, my roommate became psychotic and was diagnosed with schizophrenia 1 month after moving in. He turned all of the furniture in the house upside-down and started screaming from underneath the upside-down couch at 2am. His parents took him back to their house and I had to pay rent alone while I found a new roommate. I doubt that this is a common problem, but I would make sure that your potential roommate is stable and reliable (kinda goes without saying, but I learned it the hard way).

 

Woah! I have a somewhat similar tale: I had a roommate who, two months after moving in, I discovered was schizophrenic. I discovered it because he had a pretty bad episode and we had to call 911 (everyone's fine, and he's a good guy, and he moved back in with his family so I hope everything is going better for him). 

 

 

Great post! I feel the same, I enjoy having a safe space to come home to that I KNOW is free of drama and (mostly) under my control. Plus I had gotten used to living by myself in my previous city and I'm a little too old to be having roommates and not look awkward (I'm 28).

 

I'm 29! I completely agree with you. I just want to be able to do whatever I please in my own home, and I feel I deserve that right!

 

 

Also, whats to worry about when you have a roomate? He/She just recognizes the bro code and stays in his room, or you just stay in yours. Everything fun happens in the bedroom anyway =D (like mario kart).

 

I wish everyone else felt the same way you do! Alas, I don't think that's the case... for example, my friend lives in the dorms and her roommate "does not feel comfortable with having men stay overnight in the apartment". And that is totally her right! Personally, however, if it were me, I'd have to find another roommate. 

[beccamayworth]

 

I like being able to decide how social I'm going to be on a given day and worry about cleaning on my own schedule and to my own level of comfort. 

 

This!   

[beccamayworth]

Also, no one has mentioned one of the greatest advantages of living alone, which is that you can be naked pretty much all the time. And doing research without a bra >>> doing research wearing a bra.

[eeee1923]

I've had some good roommates in the past but since I started my Master's I've lived on my own and can say I thoroughly enjoy the decision. I thought it might get lonely sometimes, but to be honest I spend quite a lot of time on campus and some of my friends are my neighbors so I get to socialize when I want and enjoy some alone time at the end of the day. This experience is quite relaxing but as was mentioned above - try both and see which you like more.

[bsharpe269]

Also, no one has mentioned one of the greatest advantages of living alone, which is that you can be naked pretty much all the time. And doing research without a bra >>> doing research wearing a bra.

Ehh maybe I should be more modest but I totally go braless around roommates (if same sex).

[beccamayworth]

Ehh maybe I should be more modest but I totally go braless around roommates (if same sex).

 

I do too! But then roommates have boyfriends/dates, and I'd rather not go braless in front of them  

[GeoDUDE!]

I wish everyone else felt the same way you do! Alas, I don't think that's the case... for example, my friend lives in the dorms and her roommate "does not feel comfortable with having men stay overnight in the apartment". And that is totally her right! Personally, however, if it were me, I'd have to find another roommate. 

 

If you both are equal on the lease, then you are both entitled to have guests over. There is nothing she can do about it. You can be nice and work out some sort of compromise (something I would do), but she can't legally stop someone from having a boy overnight in her room. So while its her right to be uncomfortable, its not her right to stop it completely.

Edited December 29, 2014 by GeoDUDE!

[shadowclaw]

I think it really depends on your chosen roommates, as well as your own personal needs for alone time. I had a pretty inconsiderate roommate when I briefly dormed as an undergrad, and that pretty much ruined it for me. I also have some friends who have had some terrible roommates over the years. Mostly the problems involved roommates who wouldn't clean or ate everything. However, sometimes it was way worse. I have one close friend whose education pretty much got put on hold for 5 years because one of her roommates (who didn't have a drivers license) decided it would be a great idea to take her car without her permission and totaled it. She didn't get any insurance money because he was unlicensed and she wouldn't admit to the police or insurance company that he had stolen it because she didn't want him to get in trouble. School was too far away to walk, bike, or take the bus, and she couldn't afford to dorm or move closer. It took her 5 years to get back to school after that, mostly because she lost her scholarships when she withdrew when the car was totaled, and she was even homeless for a while, sleeping on couches until she saved enough money.

That's pretty extreme, but unless you room with someone you already know, there's no telling what can happen!

My best friend and her husband are actually considering getting a roommate. They are moving to North Carolina and want to be by the beach, and it's much more economical if they get a roommate or two. So it also depends on your priorities. If you want to live in a specific location, a roommate may be the only way to make it feasible.

[ion_exchanger]

I've lived at home, with roommates, and alone while in grad school and I absolutely prefer living alone. I moved about 45 minutes north of home so I didn't really change my circle of friends. Family doesn't understand that your priorities have to change, and you may not be able to hang and be bothered like you used to. I wanted a nice quiet place to come home to after my long and/or stressful days.

 

I had a roommate my first year, a good friend for many years and it did not work out. While the reason we ultimately split as roommates was for money (which is of course another big con to living alone, while it is cheaper than living alone you have to make sure that your roommate can and will pay their share in which case mine didn't) she had a regular 9 to 5 while I had school and odd work hours. She was still in her younger phases, having people over until almost midnight on Sundays when I would have tests on Mondays ,loudly  coming and going at all hours of the night on weekends and weekdays, and bringing over her loud friends and boyfriend enjoying loud times and amorous activities. Ah how could I forget seafood nights at 2am Saturday night/Sunday morning, awakened by the potent smell of crabs and melted butter. She was also a bit sloppy, always leaving the kitchen dirty, using the dishes I bought  We are no longer friends.

 

My second year I got out of there and I lived alone, and I LOVED it. I didn't have to worry about if my roommate would be able to pay rent after a night of too much drinking or a bad weekend in vegas, I could come home to peace and not a crowd of people in my living room, I could cook and clean as often or as little as I wanted, and no sharing of anything! Grad school in my opinion is too stressful to have to also worry about your stressful home life, so for me living alone was the only solution. Sorry for the TMI, but the freedom to walk around and cook breakfast/lunch/dinner without pants after trying to quit stressing about that test/paper due/results due is priceless. I gladly pay the extra money for that piece of mind.

 

As far as being lonely, I prefer to be alone so it works for me. When I do not, I can always invite over my friends and classmates, and then get them out of there when I'm done, haha. It also helps that my best friend lives in my complex, so you can try to identify if there are complexes where a lot of students live, so it will be easier to make friends.

Edited December 29, 2014 by ion_exchanger

[rising_star]

So I did a bit of everything in grad school, including finding roommates via Craig's List (or roommates.com back in the day), finding a roommate in the local paper, and living alone. Almost all of the situations were fine though they did vary.

 

The first year of my MA, I had an awesome roommate. I lived with an undergrad senior, who was an education major and doing student teaching (so very busy, at least as busy as I was as a first year grad student). We got along fabulously and years later I was invited to their wedding. While living together, we both went from single to in a relationship. We would sorta alternate who was at home with their date and who wasn't but it was very informal and was never a huge issue (the person I was dating lived alone so I'd often just hang out over there). We also went grocery shopping as a household so that everything in the fridge was open to everyone. We bought both things we liked individually and stuff we both liked as well as household goods. It sounds weird but it worked out really well. We'd cook meals for one another and eat together, though not every day or anything. It ended up working out super well and, obviously, we're still friends all thanks to the ad she put in the local weekly paper.

 

The second year of my MA, I lived with three grad students. That was kind of a disaster. Of the three, I only still talk to one of them. And that one is not the one I was in the same department as. All sorts of craziness happened, including a roommate hoarding cans of soda, a roommate hiding a dog in their room, and having a foster dog that tried to kill every living thing in sight. It was completely exhausting. 

 

During my PhD, I spent the first 2 years living with a couple of undergrads. They were a couple. Things were okay most of the time but they'd do really annoying things like be gone for 12 hours so that I had to be the one to let out, feed, and play with their dog (without asking me) and then get upset if I'd say in advance that I wanted to go out for drinks after class and ask them to let the foster dog out (we had a fenced backyard so this wasn't a major task). They also shaved my foster dog without my permission one day while I was gone. And then there were the impromptu dinner parties they'd throw for 6 friends and only tell me about 1-2 hours before people were due to come over. I stayed there for two full academic years because the rent was cheap and the house was within a mile of campus. But, I wasn't sad to leave there and I've never talked to them since. 

 

Since then, I've basically lived alone. During fieldwork, I had a roommate for several months but, once they moved out, I didn't even look for a replacement. What I like about my last two places (an apartment in a huge complex and a townhouse in a community of 6 townhouses) is that I've had next door neighbors I get along with at both places. It means that, if I want to socialize, I have someone I can talk to. At the same time, if I want to be left alone, that's super easy. At the apartment, my neighbors also had a dog so I would go over there and we'd let our dogs play together while we chatted or drank a beer. Where I live now, I'll go over and we'll just chat for an hour or so once a week, which is fun. I don't know if I'd want to live in a house by myself since I'd be a lot more isolated that way, although I used to a few years ago. It's also different once you're beyond coursework because, at least in my field, that means you're often working alone and on whatever schedule you like, so you don't see people as often.

[Pitangus]

I live alone and vastly prefer it to having roommates, but I am strongly introverted and often asocial, so I like to be alone pretty much all the time. 

[reinhard]

I think it is better to have a roommate, imagine if you are sick. In my case, I live apart from my home so it's not like I can go "hey [family member], so I am sick, can you help?"

 

Or at least have someone look after the house. But living alone is probably good too.

Edited December 30, 2014 by reinhard

[maelia8]

I've always lived with roommates during undergrad, my two years in the "real world," and now during my first year of grad school. I've had really great experiences with roommates and also really terrible ones, and there has been no correlation between great roommates and great friends (i.e. I've had great friends be bad roommates and complete strangers turn out to be amazing roommates).

 

Before this year I always thought I'd dislike living alone (even if I could afford it, which in my expensive area is pretty much impossible on a grad stipend), but now, living with completely incompatible roommates for the second time in my life at age 25, the idea of living alone is starting to look more and more attractive. I've already made a vow for myself for 2015 that I will no longer move in with random people, but from now on will only seek out a living situation with people I know well and trust, such as long-term acquaintances or significant others. At some point you are allowed to stop compromising what you want inside the apartment for factors like cheapness or hipness of the neighborhood. It just isn't worth it if you're with people who drive you around the bend.

[reinhard]

I thought I add some more, tomorrow everything is closed and I have no food of my own. But thanks to my roommate, I am going to leech offf his food and repay him later lol

[Elizabeth Reed]

This isn't something I'd normally want to weigh in on -- which option is the "right" one depends so much on the individual making the choice. Like a lot of the others who've posted, I like/need alone time. I'd also way rather be lonely than irritated, so the risks of living alone are more palatable to me than the risks of living with roommates. With such a strong personal preference, I'm not really in a position to advise someone who doesn't feel the same way...

 

That having been said, it sounds like you're leaning toward living alone, which makes me think it's probably the better option for you. Some people can't stand the thought of living alone - or at least have very strong reservations about trying it - but it doesn't seem like that's true for you. You can always find people to be with, but, if you have roommates, you can't always find a quiet comfortable solitude. Also, the fact that you have 2 dogs makes me think you'll be less at risk of major loneliness on your own. Obviously dogs aren't the same as people (sometimes they're better!), but they definitely take the edge of loneliness, at least in my experience. 

 

I've lived with roommates who were friends (undergrad), alone, roommates who weren't friends (during one year MA program), and with my SO. College was a blast but I didn't care about much other than partying (I was very immature in that way); even then, some roommate situations drove me nuts (e.g., one year the kitchen sink was *always* full of dirty dishes that my roommate "didn't have time" to clear - he was way too busy sitting around in his boxers playing video games - and the living room was *never* empty because, with 4 of us living there (plus the two nomad friends we hosted on and off most of the year) someone was always hanging out with a friend or two or twelve). I really hated living with the not-friend roommates - it was a large apartment and I had a private 1/2 bath which was great, but, while two of the roommates were wonderful, the third was an overbearing, excessively chatty control freak. He was also a total jerk who sublet the rooms to us and ripped us off every chance he could get. I've *loved* living alone (with a cat) and I'm currently very happy living with my SO. We're engaged and have a great relationship. Still, although I definitely wouldn't want to live apart from my fiancee, I do sometimes miss certain aspects of living totally on my own. It's worth the sacrifice of things I miss because I get to live with a wonderful SO as a result, but no way would I consider the trade-off worth it in any other circumstance. I'm also 31 and fairly, well, curmudgeonly 

 

At the risk of rendering my response too muddled to help, I will add that I also think there's some wisdom to the point others have made about trying a roommate situation first since you can always switch to solo after the lease is up. It might make sense to reassess your feelings about the decision after you know where you'll be located and can get a feel for the housing options near the school. Some areas may feel sort of cold and impersonal or have quiet spread-out neighborhoods, whereas others may feel...cozier. Even in the same city, the particulars make a big difference: living on a block with a lot of, say, clothing stores and banks may have a very different feel than living on a block with welcoming-atmosphere coffee shops and low-key pool-table-equipped bars.