Nautiloid

I think if I keep working 12 hour days every day of the week I'm gonna have a mid-20's stroke.

Things are on the upswing for me. I'm finally over the feelings of defeat my last rotation left me with, and I'm super into what I'm doing in this one. I find myself wanting to devote all my time to the lab because the research is so interesting. Unfortunately this comes at the end of the semester and I'm not doing so hot in one of my courses. I don't regret taking it because it has helped me see whether or not I was really interested in the topic, but I do wish I wasn't struggling to make above a 70% on the exams. Supposedly this is normal for a school like this, but I'm not used to it. Why write a test that you know can't be passed by the majority of students? Who learns anything from that? I suppose there's plenty to be learned in failure, but that's only true when you're given a chance to contemplate it and correct yourself. I'm beginning to remember all the things I hated about classes/tests/grades in undergrad. Guess I was wrong to assume that all wouldn't matter as much in a research focused program. Oh well. Here's to hoping I don't fail out before I've even had the chance to start thesis work.

The PI I rotated under just gave me a pretty abysmal review. Why? I'm too "passive." I mean, I would have asked more questions if you'd seemed to care at all whether I did or didn't. Instead I tried to gather information from your graduate students who were of absolutely no help, and made asking questions so unpleasant that I chose to avoid it whenever I could. I've never been so frustrated with a lab. The experience made me seriously question if I was cut out for this kind of work. I've lost all confidence in myself at this point. I'm paranoid, and I feel that if I don't know every little detail by yesterday, I'll be booted from the program. I keep thinking that I should just quit to save them the trouble. Ufffhhhnnnnnngghhh. Needless to say, the impostor syndrome is hitting me like a brick in the face.

1. Scientist in biotech or entrepreneurial pursuits 2. Synthetic biology demigod 3. Biological consultant 4. Space suit designer (and wearer/astronaut) I'm not yet qualified for any of these! Yaaaaay!

For PhD programs it is generally accepted that there is no such thing as a "safe" program. It's probably a waste of effort to apply to a school that's lower ranked if you don't fit their program just because you think you'll get in easily. The good news is that if you fit and you've got what they're looking for, someone will take you. Echoing what other's have said: MS programs are good backups, especially if you're not quite sure you want to stick out a PhD. Additionally, many of these have later application deadlines, so if things start to look bad mid-March, you can still apply to many of them. However, less funding can be difficult if you have debt to pay from undergrad and don't want to rack up more. Another option is industry work, even if it's just as a lab tech. It's better than doing nothing, and will get you some lab experience in something other than academia. If you have loans from undergrad, this will help you pay them and not accrue more.

How would building (8S,9S,10R,13S,14S,17R)-17-hydroxy-17-(2-hydroxyacetyl)-10,13-dimethyl-1,2,6,7,8,9,12,14,15,16-decahydrocyclopenta[a]phenanthrene-3,11-dione with a molecular modeling kit relieve stress? Who builds models of glucocorticoid metabolites in their spare time?! Perhaps I underestimate chemists...