far_to_go

A few weeks after my first semester in grad school started, I asked a visiting speaker (in a personal chat) what she did to make it through her first year of her PhD. She said, "I bought a comfortable reading chair and a very large bottle of vodka, and I made good use of both." I followed her advice ;-)

A few weeks after my first semester in grad school started, I asked a visiting speaker (in a personal chat) what she did to make it through her first year of her PhD. She said, "I bought a comfortable reading chair and a very large bottle of vodka, and I made good use of both." I followed her advice ;-)

Hey Jasmineflower,

I think I'm lucky in the sense that I have a supportive mom to counteract the negative energy from my dad. In a way, it comes down to maintaining "face". To boost his social standing among his friends and relatives, my dad wants to paint me in a certain light (wealthy businessman rather than a poor educator/researcher in a random social science field). I guess he's disappointed I am not choosing to do what he thinks is best for my life. Well, he and his relatives need to remember it's my life and not theirs. And to be honest, I don't really give a flying ##@@ about what they think. I don't owe them anything so why let them dictate how I should pursue my life?

Having said this, do I ever question the choices I have made to pursue a PhD in communication? Of course! I have friends who opt for Bachelor or Masters Degrees in financial engineering, MBA, computer science or IT. They are now making over $100k a year. You can't help but think I should have just gone for one of those degrees during my college days instead. However, I have also met a lot of successful people in my life with advanced degrees in political science, public policy, public health, anthropology & communication. They are doing more inspiring work to combat poverty, diseases and political conflicts in the United Nations, health agencies and related social enterprises. Some of them make significant income and also a huge dent in the universe. I think it's sadder to choose a 'safe' path in engineering just to make money, even though you have no passion for it.

I think you need to ask yourself why those snarky comments are starting to interfere with your well-being. Do they say those things because of their limited worldviews? Is it justified to be rude to impose their values on you because they think it's helpful for you or rather it's to reaffirm their beliefs that they have made better choices in their life? You can see that I tolerate my dad because....well he's my dad. But you can be sure that I won't tolerate it if it's from his relatives. Damn respect the elder culture. Someone should definitely step in to defend you if people have the audacity to berate you in front of your own child. I will encourage you to remove yourself from such toxic environment to keep your sanity. I assume that it's mostly your immediate parents or siblings who you have a hard time with. I encourage you, if you have not done it already, to have an honest discussion with them that what they are doing are straining your relationships with them. Acknowledge that your career path may be unconventional from their perspectives, and thanks for the criticism because deep down they care. However, if they are going to keep on harping about your education and career choices or go as far as to not want you in a wedding because they view you as lesser of a human being, it demonstrates the ugly nature of who they are. I mean come on. It's not like you're sitting around doing nothing. Doing a PhD is one of the hardest anyone can do in their life.

Speaking from my own experience as someone who was raised in a traditional Chinese family in which relationship dynamics among immediate family members and other relatives are based largely on "face", wealth and other traditional values. I have chosen to really put efforts in maintaining relationships with my parents and two brothers. For other distant relatives with narrow views, it's more about putting on a mask when you absolutely have to meet them. I can choose to stay away, and it's more enjoyable to surround yourself with people who accept you for what you are.

Good luck! I hope my post helps. Juggling with school life and family relationships can be hard, but I hope you can find a way to cope with your situation.

I'm going to throw cents worth of personal opinion to those offering comments about Jasmineflower's family members.

As you go through graduate school, you may find that the ability to offer support to a person without attacking that person's antagonists is a very useful skill.

In this particular case, Jassmineflower can say what she wants about her family because it is her family. She knows intimately the dynamics of the situation she's describing. As outsiders, we do not. If one really want to support someone, one needs to avoid the "Yeah, your parents are asspipes, so ef them and tell them I said so" approach. Those kinds of attacks risk perpetuating cycles of antagonism. Moreover, they place one in jeapordy of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and getting tuned out.

IMO/IME, diagnostic questions like those posed by anthroDork are absolutely critical in situations like the one described in the OP. There are places in America--and the rest of the world--where pursuing an advanced degree runs counter to long standing conventions, practices, and beliefs. One can grandstand and label those values all one likes, but at what cost?

Right now, Rush Limbaugh has, yet again, dragged the discussion of vitally important issues into the sewer. He achieved this objective by imposing his values on someone he's never met. I'm not suggesting that any of the comments in this thread are that out of line. I am saying that as intellectuals we need to do the best we can to understand people everyone in their own terms, not ours, and to help them solve their problems in ways that will work for them in the long term.

In regards to the issue presented in the OP. I have direct experience with a similar dynamic. While the desire to prove a critic wrong--especially when the person is a family member--can be a powerful source of motivation. Even so, I think it is one's best self interest to monitor constantly one's emotional state. If one lets anger, bitterness, and other associated emotions have their way, intellectual achievement that should spark a sense of joy will be irrevocably tarnished. The best revenge is living well.

While they aren't anthropologists, they have had a great deal of influence on the work of anthropologists for the past 30-40 years. Reading them helps put many contemporary ethnographies into an appropriate context and helps one understand the changes in how anthropology has been practiced and ethnographies have been written over the past 75 years.

This is a little off topic, but thought it might help you feel better..

I don't think a lot of people outside of academia realize how tough getting into/being in/finishing a doctoral program actually IS. For those who only did a UG degree and then got a "real" job, I think they think that going to grad school is simply a matter of filling out an application, just like going to most UG programs. Also, there's a lot of misunderstanding about how hard it is to get into good schools, or even what a good school is.

I got into a tier 1 school but because it isn't "ivy league", I got comments from family like "Well, I suppose it's OK, but it's not IVY LEAGUE". I then have to remind them that ivy league refers to collegiate sports and NOT the academic program. I swear some of them still don't get it. I am so ashamed to share DNA with them..

It is also, IMO an unfortunate indication of the consumerism of our society: value and worth are measured only in dollars. How many times have I been asked: So, what kind of job are you going to get with that degree? The focus is all on vocation; the end goal is a job apparently... It's very frustrating.

In the end, I hold onto the thought that 10 years from now, when my cousins are wasting away in their cubicles, or popping high-blood pressure meds as a result of their high powered jobs, I will happy in my profession, doing field research and getting to actually see and understand the world, instead of just being an automaton in it.

Not quite what you're asking for, but my standard advice to people who are looking for reading recs as they prepare to start school is to read at least a few books/articles written by your future profs. You will start to get a feel for how they write, how they think, and what they think are the important topics and debates in anthropology. Best of luck to you!

I hope the OP posts again in this thread to give us a little more or answer some of the questions asked, because otherwise I'm entirely unsympathetic. If you're absolutely serious, you have every opportunity to simply leave. The above posters are right: if it's making you feel this way all the time, you need to seriously re-evaluate your situation. Grad school isn't the be-all and end-all of what will make your life satisfying.

if you were merely being hyperbolic, I'm actually rather annoyed. I have personal reasons for being sensitive to such flippant claims of intention to suicide. I don't know your situation, obviously, but I'm skeptical, especially with your citing grad school as the reason, that you have any idea of what it's like to deal with the realities of suicide and depression and mental illness. Please forgive me if it's otherwise; I don't mean to downplay your suffering but put it in perspective.

My MA advisor and I are friends on Facebook, so I do keep in touch with him there. Not ideal for everyone, I'm sure, but it works for this particular relationship. I also send him syllabi from courses I'm taking that have content that's relevant to his interests. He asked me to do this before I left, and it's worked well as a way to touch base every semester or so. We also met up for a beer at the most recent AAA meetings.

Incidentally, it's a good idea to maintain contact with one's former fellow students as well. Several of my MA buddies are now in PhD programs in various fields at different schools, and we keep up by Facebook, reading each other's blogs, occasional e-mails, meet-ups at conferences, etc. Never too early to begin cultivating one's academic network!

You should try to figure out if they plan on retiring/moving/quitting within the next few years (this needs to be phrased delicately).

I asked a few people "What are the qualities that enable grad students to do well in this department/as your students?" The answers can be very telling.

I suggest a longer T-shirt:

Friends Don't Let Friends Develop Unreasonable Expectations About the Job Market, No Matter How Much Easier It Is to Pretend That You and Your Friend Are the Exceptions to the Rule and You'll Both Get Jobs Because You're Both Brilliant and The Unemployed People are Just People Who Aren't as Academically-Gifted As You Are. Instead Friends Acknowledge to Each Other the Exceptional Difficulty of Getting an Academic Job, Call Bullshit on Each Other When Appropriate, and Help Each Other to Professionalize Early and Often. Further, Friends Will Also Remind Each Other that While Getting a Funded PhD, You are Actually Getting Paid to Live Your Dream, If Only for a Short While, So While Academic Jobs May Be Few, It Was Still Worth It For the Opportunity You Did Get to Engage With Academic Discourse on a Daily Basis.That Said, Friends Certainly Don't Let Friends Get Unfunded PhD's. Nor Should Enemies For That Matter.

Sheesh! Sorry about what you're going through, cranky.

I'm wondering how this might work: insist on scheduling a defense sometime in the near future, maybe 6-8 weeks from now. During the remaining time, do as much as you can to incorporate whatever feedback that you've received from faculty (realizing, of course, that you'll never please anyone 100%, especially not a group of academics). Having the actual deadline of a defense date approaching will (hopefully) signal your faculty that you're really serious about getting done and moving on, and will motivate you to just finish the damn thing, bearing in mind that "a good thesis is a done thesis".

My guess is that, when the defense takes place, the faculty will pass you, and you'll be free. If not, at that point you can consider whether it's worth it to try to revise and re-defend, or whether you are ready to cut your losses and quit.

Best of luck.

Hi,

1) Congrats on those scores- they're pretty good. Schools vary in terms of their cut-off scores, and many schools don't have official cut-offs. One way to get an idea of how your scores measure up is to check the websites of schools you're interested in applying to. I remember, for instance, that the University of Texas at Austin anthro program had average combined scores of around 1300.

2) I can't help you here- I only applied to US programs.

3) I hear you on funding! That's a concern for most applicants, of course. As you'll hear many times on this forum, your "fit" with the department that you're applying to is the #1 factor that determines whether you get in, and whether it's a "good" school for you in the long run. So, I can't really offer any advice without knowing what's you're interested in studying and what you're looking for in a department.

Hi,

1) Congrats on those scores- they're pretty good. Schools vary in terms of their cut-off scores, and many schools don't have official cut-offs. One way to get an idea of how your scores measure up is to check the websites of schools you're interested in applying to. I remember, for instance, that the University of Texas at Austin anthro program had average combined scores of around 1300.

2) I can't help you here- I only applied to US programs.

3) I hear you on funding! That's a concern for most applicants, of course. As you'll hear many times on this forum, your "fit" with the department that you're applying to is the #1 factor that determines whether you get in, and whether it's a "good" school for you in the long run. So, I can't really offer any advice without knowing what's you're interested in studying and what you're looking for in a department.

Ha.... very repetitive post - nice. That's the last time I neglect the "preview" option...

Okay, this YouTube video definitely made me laugh:

A few weeks after my first semester in grad school started, I asked a visiting speaker (in a personal chat) what she did to make it through her first year of her PhD. She said, "I bought a comfortable reading chair and a very large bottle of vodka, and I made good use of both." I followed her advice ;-)

"I have books on how to do a lit review, journal article in 12-wks, etc, but haven't cracked them open yet."

Sounds like that might be a good thing for you to do after the summer, especially if you're not confident in your writing skills. Also, my standard advice to people starting their programs in the fall is to read a few recent books/articles by profs in your program. It's not necessarily a suggestion that pertains to writing, but it does help to get up to speed with what your profs think is important (and what they consider good writing too, I guess).
It

I'm not going to Burning Man, but I'm going to Nepal. Do I get hippie bonus points?

I've been living with a PhD student in another dept for the past year, and it's worked out really well; it's been nice to have somebody to talk to who understands the pressures of graduate school, but can give me a perspective from beyond my own dept. I've lived with several other roomies during my MA, too, so the following tips are accumulated from all those living situations.

A few tips:
- Communication is really key. You have to be able to talk to each other about your expectations and needs regarding cleanliness, quiet hours, having guests over, sharing bills, and all those other mechanics of roommate life. Of course, if you only talk about "roommate business" stuff, then it can feel like nothing but a business relationship. Which leads me to my next point:
- Try to have fun together once in a while. Grad school is stressful, so it's great to be able to have a little "escape" in your home. Have a house movie night, go exercise, play a board game, or just sit and chat.
- Figure out what the food-sharing/cooking arrangements will be. My roomie and I buy most of our food separately, but share some staples (rice, flour, milk, etc). We each have our own shelf space in the fridge and cabinets, and there's designated 'shared' space as well. We cook together around once a week. It's a fun way to hang out and avoid the temptation to just grab takeout.
- Get a big whiteboard and put it in a highly visible location. We use this to communicate all sorts of info, since we may not see each other every day.
- If you're having friends over, it's good to check with your roomie(s) in advance, especially if you're having more than just one or two people over. Invite your roomie to join in the fun- it's a nice way to integrate your social life - but be respectful if he/she needs to work or do other things during that time.
- Make sure you have each other's emergency contact info. Just in case.
- Do your best to make the common areas of the house an enjoyable, comfortable place to be. In my current house, my roommate and I spent most of our time in our rooms during the first semester; during the second semester, we rearranged our living room furniture to make it better for hanging out and studying, and now we use that space much more. It's really nice.
- Make sure you are on the same page as far as cleaning goes. For some people, this means having a chore chart and sticking to it regularly. For others, it's a more flexible, clean-as-you-go sort of arrangement. Figure out what works for you and your roommate and go with it. Remember, you'll both have a much better time if you're not frustrated with each other for leaving dishes in the sink for days, etc.
- Don't depend on your roommate to be your whole social life. Having a social life in grad school is difficult but really important for your well-being. Although you and your roommate will hopefully become good friends, it's not fair to expect that person to be your *only* grad school friend. Broaden your circles a bit.

Good luck!

This "dating inside your department" topic comes up frequently here. If you are mature, level-headed, and even-keeled I think it's manageable. (btw, if you aren't mature, level-headed, and even-keeled, you should be working on that before you start dating).

Everybody is different, and only you can know how you would react in professional situations with somebody you dated and then broke up with. Let's say your significant other broke your heart. Do you have the strength and maturity to act professionally and separate you personal life in conferences, presentations, etc? If the answer is no, then look elsewhere for love.

Dear Silly One,

I was not asking you whether this really worked. I was asking whether someone on this board (presumably a grad student) could really be so stupid and insensitive as to post something like that. And as the daughter of an "Asian from a third-world country," I'd also like to ask you to kindly go stick your head up your rear.

Sincerely,

runonsentence.

Yes.

Asian women studying abroad from a third-world country are easier to pursue and to maintain for several reasons.

MoJingly, you're going to be fine!! There is NO SHAME in using Wikipedia to get caught up on the hot vocab in your field; I use it frequently for this purpose myself. If you're a fast learner and willing to put in the time to reading beyond what's required for your coursework, you'll be alright.

One suggestion: if you have time over the summer, read some of what your profs have written in the past 10 years or so. This will clue you in to the ideas/researchers that your profs think are important. I did this the summer before I started my PhD program and it was really, really helpful for getting me up to speed.

Hi everyone,

I am currently a phd student at UVA and I was looking last year for places to live and found a great co-operative living community of which I am now the recruitment coordinator. It's called Cooperative Housing at UVA (or just CHUVA). We will have a few openings for new students next year in all of our four houses and we're now open for applications. The people are great and it's a good community for people who are new to the town. We have potlucks, events and parties and the rooms are quite affordable ranging from $350-$380 per month plus utilities. There are also summer subleases for those interested.

If you'd like to learn more just visit our website at : http://www.student.virginia.edu/coop/ (A new website is coming soon.) You can download and fill our application from this link: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/1237913/New%20CHUVA%20App_v2.doc

You can also email me at caneruguz@gmail.com if you have any questions.

Charlottesville is a great city and it would be a good decision to come here regardless of where you live. Good luck with your application process.

Caner