Hope.for.the.best

It is entirely possible to have a baby during grad school. Of course, you would need to check with your school regarding maternity leave and daycare options. For my school, students are given stipend for maternity leave of 6 months. In my school, people are generally happy and accepting for those who are expecting, and those who return from maternity leave. It may be hard to determine whether a program is family-friendly until you get in, but it helps if you can talk to students from your program of interest. However, you would need to make sure that your advisor is supportive, and that having a child would not affect you finishing your degree. You know, it is a lot of work to take care of a child, even if there are day care options at your school! I believe that you will need a lot of lab work for a program of bioengineering/BME. My PhD involved a lot of lab work, and it would not be possible for me to take care of a child.

Everyone has given you good advice. I would like to add that: (1) you should also take a supplement for vitamin D. It is a vitamin from the sunlight, and deficiency can lead to fatigue. It is easy to have insufficient of it when there is little sunlight. (2) you should also get a supplement for minerals, as deficiency in some can cause fatigue, e.g. iron. If you haven't, perhaps it is a good idea to check if you are anemic. Personally, I take Berocca, and then a supplement for vitamin D. (3) have a good plan on what needs to be done. When I am overwhelmed with a lot of things and don't know where to start, I simply lose motivation. Personally, I find it helpful to put everything aside when I feel that I cannot continue working. As it often happens to me at night, I usually take a hot shower and then have a good night sleep. I often find that I can work productively the next day. (4) you should evaluate your sleep hygiene. It is good to sleep for 8 hours, but quality is very important too. Do you tend to wake up multiple times at night, e.g. going to the toilet? If so, avoid caffeine, alcohol and too much water before bedtime. If you feel that you have had enough sleep, then avoid taking extra naps, as they can make you more tired and possibly interfere with your nighttime sleep. (5) if you have recently started new medication, then it is wise to talk to your doctor if it can cause fatigue.

I am thankful that I have got a full-time job while I am still waiting for my PhD defend! I will be working with one of my advisors, let's call him "Ben". I am yet to meet the big boss of the department before "Ben" can issue me an official offer, but he has already indicated me to start by the end of this month. Since "Ben" is totally aware of my background and he has spoken to the big boss, I don't worry too much about the interview. Of course, I still feel nervous! Have you guys got any difficult questions when you got interviewed for a research position? My other concern, as detailed in my previous post, is to break the news to my other two advisors, "Andy" and "Cecilia". Please note that I changed the pseudonyms of my advisors to reflect their genders. Long story short, "Andy" has some conflicts with "Ben" because of research funding and project leadership, and "Andy" took it out on me by intentionally delaying the submission of my dissertation. Not until "Cecilia" stepped in did "Andy" approve my dissertation. "Cecilia" alleviated the situation by asking me to work for "Andy" casually as a research assistant, but then "Andy" changed his mind and got me to work as a volunteer. Coincidentally, something was going on in my family, and I was able to delay "Andy" with compelling reasons. My intention was to wait until I got settled down with "Ben" before getting in touch with "Andy", because "Andy" wishes me to work unpaid for 6 months! Anyway, with the knowledge that "Ben" will employ me, I will offer to help "Andy" out some time this month. I actually don't want to help him, because he had been rude to me when I was writing up my dissertation, and he broke his promise of paying me to work for him. However, "Andy" is my main advisor, and he has to approve any revisions to my dissertation after the defend, so I am trying not to break the bridge too soon. I don't worry about "Cecilia", as she will be equally happy that I work for "Ben", as she has been urging me to hunt for jobs proactively. I don't know how I should explain to "Andy" that I can only work for him for 2 or 3 weeks. I can tell him upfront that I will work for "Ben", but he will not take it well. I know he will find out eventually, but I don't wish to break the news until "Ben" issues me an official offer. My family advise me that I can tell "Andy" that I am looking for jobs, so I can only work for a limited time. If "Andy" follows up by asking what I applied, I can tell him that I will let him know later. What would be the best way to approach this, given "Andy" openly expresses his hatred towards "Ben"? I am quite worried that "Andy" will withhold signing off my dissertation after the defend. I know you would be thinking that a professional academic should not do that, but given what he did to me before, I believe he is considering that. Yes, I can take it to the school, but I don't wish to do that unless absolutely necessary. You know, although things will be in my favour, it is just unimpressive to complain about my advisor to the school. It leaves an impression that I don't know how to work with others. I can bring that up to "Cecilia" again, but she said she disliked me complaining about "Andy" to her. She wants me to talk to "Andy" in person, but how could I do that when "Andy" was yelling at me? I can tell "Ben" about that, but I don't know how I can approach that appropriately. "Ben" will be my boss for the next few years, so I can't afford to mess things up. Any advice is appreciated. Thx!

It is very common for international students to go by English names different from their legal names. I was born overseas, and my legal name is difficult for native speakers to pronounce. As a result, I always go by my English name, and don't expect anyone to call my legal name. In fact, I get offended if my name is called wrongly. That often happens to my friends who are international students/were born overseas; I call them as they prefer. For your student, I would just call him "Leo" as he indicated. If you are interested in how his Chinese name is pronounced, you can ask him as causal chat. It is a good way to bond with your students. Don't pull him aside or email him about that, as it will just make the situation awkward. I would definitely feel uncomfortable if my tutor pulled me aside or emailed me to find out how my legal name is pronounced.

@GreenEyedTrombonist and @TakeruK have given you very good advice. I have submitted my dissertation not long ago. I would say good planning, communication and relaxation strategies are three key words for timely completion. Have a discussion with your advisor and let him/her know that you wish to finish before your funding runs out, so you can work out a plan to get your dissertation done. From my experience, it is best to plan your submission 2 to 3 months before your funding runs out, as things can go wrong along the way. I know I have been complaining a lot here; I only realised that my main advisor is a nasty man during the write-up process. He pushed me to do more experiments when I had difficulties completing my dissertation. He "agreed" that I completed those experiments after I finished the dissertation when my other advisor stepped in and supported me, but then he expressed his resentment towards us by turning around my dissertation drafts slowly. It was not until my third advisor intervened that he helped me to finish proactively. I don't mean to discourage you, but just to let you know that things can go wrong, so you are prepared. Good luck!

I live close to my university, but I would still prefer writing at home, as I just can't concentrate when there are people coming into and out of the office. To me, I listen to some relaxing music when I am writing.

Update: "Alice" decided to be nasty again! My school allows grad students to work voluntarily for up to one semester after submitting dissertations, so instead of paying me at a low rate, "Alice" asked me to work voluntarily. He cc'd that email to "Celia" and "Belinda". I am furious about that! Anyway, I maintained my manner by saying that I am still grieving and will meet him later. I then emailed "Belinda" individually and explained the situation. I offered to help out "Alice" in my own time, and that I would prioritise his project. Thankfully, "Belinda" was receptive, and he organised to meet with me and discuss soon . "Belinda" is very understanding and caring; he is truly sorry for my loss, and urges me to take all my time needed for bereavement. Now, things seem to be going well. I have a compelling reason to not work for "Alice", as I will not be paid. Let's hope that my meeting with "Belinda" goes well.

I have taught students from the pre-med program, so they are anxious to start with, as they need good grades to get into med school. As @rising_star and @TakeruK pointed out, we cannot do much on students' mental health but refer them to appropriate sources (if necessary). There was a student who broke down suddenly in class the year before I started teaching. He was crying all the way without telling anyone why. The professor discretely took him out of the class and called the counselling centre. A counsellor arrived and took care of the situation. So that's basically the TAs' protocol for situation like that. Personally, I have not encountered students who are overly anxious. They did try to ask for more marks after I went through test papers, but they generally took it well after I explained why they were not awarded the marks. There was a student who was a bit obsessed with the marking scheme, but she was more on the learning side than to argue for more marks. My friend, however, was a bit less fortunate. A student in his class sent him an email that she should have got full marks for her assignment. He understood that she was simply too stressed out for med school, but he was upset by the email as she sounded very rude. He handled well by meeting up the student and explaining why she lost marks, in the presence of the professor. Another time, he came across an international student who struggled with understanding English. He happened to speak the student's native language, but he remained professional and spoke English the whole time. Out of anxiety, that student requested him to repeat in his native language after the class. He handled well again by referring the student to the English classes at school. I think keeping in touch with your professor is helpful, as it is easier for you to turn to him/her for help should something difficult arises. It would also be helpful to know what resources are on your campus, like the counselling centre, educational advice centre, language classes etc., so you know where to direct your students when they are struggling.

Good to hear that, @Chiper91! As others said, if your friends are making fun of you because of your financial status, then they are not your true friends. Frankly, when I was still in grad school, my stipend was just sufficient to pay my one-bedroom apartment on campus. I used to share with a housemate and we got on pretty well, but she is one of those hospitable ladies who brought overnight guests regularly. She brought a different friend each time! I just could not afford to write my dissertation when I had so many unexpected visitors all the time. I was fortunate enough to have my parents' support for other living expenses, and the annual trips back home. I pretty much have everything I would bargain for, but I admit I still wish my family were rich enough to support me studying and travelling in Europe. I always envy my friends who study in England, because they always travel around Europe on school holidays! I only realised my dream when I got to present in a conference for my project. I have friends that encountered financial difficulties, but I don't think less of them because of that. I have a friend who could not afford a smartphone, so she did not have a mobile number until she received one from charity. It was a bit difficult to catch up with her out of school, but we managed to work out the time and venue, as we attended the same classes. I also have a friend who struggled to the point that she needed to bargain for twenty cents. I admit it was hell shopping with her, as she needed to go to 3 different stores before she could decide on where to shop. I never laugh at them though. I would let them choose where to dine out, or even cook together at my place if they prefer. I would say treasure what you have and work hard on your program. Perhaps you got a good job after your graduated, and you could live a more luxurious life. You never know!

Thanks for all your replies. I have completed the copy-editing process, and my dissertation is now being examined. As I said previously, I deleted all sensitive data before sending off for editing, so there is no way for the copy-editor to steal my data. She did a very good job; I am impressed that she patiently explained the changes she suggested. Turned out, the use of punctuation can be tricky, even for native English speakers. I have improved a lot on my written English.

Like everyone else said, you should definitely seek counselling to address your anxiety/depression. Often, depression causes one to lose motivation. I don't know why your parents think that you will never succeed in life without an MA. So many people didn't attend grad school and yet they are very successful. For the same token, going to grad school does not mean you must stay in academia. There are many other possibilities. It is this sort of thinking that causes a lot of stress. I used to think like that, and that's why I was so anxious. Another thing, you should be in charge of your own life. Your parents cannot and should not decide on your life. Anyway, you have ended up in grad school, so my advice is to do your best and finish whatever you need to get your degree.

"Celia" and "Alice" mean to meet me and get me to work for them at the lowest salary and greatest workload possible. As I said I needa think about their offer before Christmas, I have to give them a reply, if I am to meet them in mid-Jan. That's why I want to run away from them. If I tell them the truth, i.e. work for "Belinda" but not "Alice", "Alice" would not take it well. That's why "Celia" diffused the situation by asking me to work for "Alice" in the first place. I know, he would not take it any better after "Belinda" confirms my job, but as I said, I would be in a better position to help him selectively. I can maintain a good relationship with him, because I help him out of courtesy while working for "Belinda", so I can be rest assured that he would sign me off any revisions for my dissertation without "hesitation". Your are right. I'd better not mention my psychologist visit. "Celia" maintains a good relationship with "Belinda", and she may tell him that I had mental health issues. Although "Belinda" does not seem like a boss that stigmatises mental health issues, he may still get reserved towards hiring me. He can easily change his mind before officially giving me an offer. Added that my psychologist cleared me of any actual mental illnesses, it's better not make myself sound ill. When "Celia" contacted me, I would say my family member passed away unexpectedly and I need time to recover from the grief. I can say that happened a few days ago. I doubt they will ask me to present a death certificate! Thanks again for your advice.

Sadly, my relative could not make it, and the funeral will take place in a few days. I am sad of course, but I don't suffer from overwhelming grief. However, "Celia" is already pushing me to come back by mid-Jan. I will be back by then, but I don't wish to meet her, and "Alice". I am using my relative as a reason to put off meeting them, until "Belinda" confirms my job. Then I would be in a good position to decide how much I want to help them, without jeopardising my relationship with them. I am planning to say that I suffer from overwhelming grief, and that professional wishes me to take my time needed for healing. Would you think that is legitimate? I simply cannot think of a better reason to not meet them. Please note that I am not totally lying; I will see my psychologist tomorrow for my unresolved PhD stress. Thanks!

I submitted my PhD dissertation last week. However, it seems like some of the symptoms (described in the previous thread) are still lingering. I am glad that that annoying lump in my throat disappeared the moment I submitted! The tension somehow transferred to my forehead that evening, but after a good night sleep I was marvellous. I woke up with a sense of calmness, which I have not experienced for more than 1.5 year. My standard morning before submission was to fight that lump in the throat. I also felt much more comfortable with the wind. In fact, it was very windy on my submission date, and I was okay the whole time walking from the printing centre to the graduate school office (a long walk actually). I did not have to stop and catch my breaths before continuing with the walk. I was able to travel to a shopping centre half an hour away yesterday, despite the crazy traffic. These are good signs, because I am slowly getting better, and it seems like I was overly stressed out but not having an illness. However, I still get tensed up from time to time. It is way less severe than pre-submission, but I am wondering how I can get rid of it quickly. I am going on a holiday tomorrow, which will certainly help. Other than that, do you have any suggestions to quickly recover from the intense stress? I am notoriously known for calming down very slowly. In my bachelor years, I once studied so hard that I could not swallow food at night (thankfully okay during breakfast and lunch). It took me a psychologist visit and 6 weeks before I got back to normal. Thanks.

First of all, I do not encourage lying, but unfortunately it happened. Given your circumstances, you pretty much can only choose between quitting and deferring. If you are to quit, telling your boss after the probation period is wise. I would suggest that you thank your boss for giving you the opportunity to work in the team, and that after exploring the industry in these months, you realise that what you want to do requires a PhD. So you are leaving to start your PhD. You would need to "justify" to him that you changed your mind since starting the job. No matter how well you are expressing yourself, given the short timeline, your boss must suspect that you were lying. You could only do your best to make the outcome better. It is just unimpressive to admit that you lied to your boss to get a job while waiting to do your PhD.

Same to you. Let's worry about that again in the new year.

I can totally relate. Leaving home is always hard. I left home on the day I turned 18, and now I am 26. As you know, I submitted my PhD dissertation not longer ago. I had been feeling very anxious in the year leading to the write up, although I do not have any mental illnesses. What has been the most helpful is an understanding psychologist. She also did a PhD herself, so she can totally understand how difficult doing a PhD is. I second lemma's suggestion that you should set up a team of mental health professionals who can help you. Perhaps your current therapists can identify resources in the city you will be in. I also agree with fuzzylogician that you can find someone to live with you. If you get on well with your flatmates, then they are undoubtedly handy support. However, if you don't get on well, they are your additional source of stress. Personally, I lived alone in the very first year away from home for that reason. I only started having flatmates from the second year onwards. I generally got on well with my flatmates, but we did not become very good friends that can support each other like a family. I am not discouraging you, but reminding you that family cannot replace friends. If you decide to find flatmates to live with you, get on with them, but do not expect that they will be like your mum and siblings. All the best!

Today, I just learnt that one of my relatives back home is critically ill, so I am leaving the country until mid-Jan. It is sad to me and my family, but now I have a reason to return after Belinda commences the application process. Alice and Celia will be back in early Jan, and they will look for me badly. Celia is the most uncaring person I have ever met. I took a longer than usual break last year to attend a conference, because it happened that my grandpa passed away. Alice and the school approved the holiday, but Celia was not happy and she said she would not approve it if she were the main advisor. I explained to her about my grandpa, but she said "You know, people all die eventually. You only need a week or two for your dead grandpa." But then, when one of Celia's previous students died unexpectedly of a heart attack, she was very sad about that. She nearly cried in the meeting. I am very angry with her attitude towards my grandpa. I feel that she does not respect my grandpa at all. I don't need her to cry for my grandpa, but at least she should have said something like, "I am sorry to hear that. I can understand that you need more time, but I would have preferred that you came back earlier". I am pretty sure Belinda would have said something like that and not offered any blames. Anyway, I have submitted. Alice and Celia have no reason to disapprove me going on holiday. I can be away till my defend in Feb. I am glad that my mind was clear enough, and not promised them anything, when I was under a lot of stress.

I am also surprised that your school denied your leave application, given that you should have supplemented supporting documents. I agree with your mum that you should appeal the decision. Have you spoken to the disability office? Perhaps they can help you with the appeal. If you cannot appeal the outcome, then you will need to come to terms with a drop out. It may seem like a bad idea to delay grad school by 2 years, but you are not making any good progress either if your health is compromised. I would say that health is the number one priority no matter what.

Thank you for your insight, juilletmercredi! I explained in my reply to TakeruK that telling Belinda is not the best option now. I agree that Celia's solution is not perfect. Unfortunately, Alice and Cecelia are long-term research partners, so Cecelia doesn't want to break the bridge with Alice. Cecelia is also on good terms with Belinda, and she will not mind that I work for Belinda. It is just that Alice may react badly towards it. Your suggestion of going to a different department is right. That's why I go to Belinda, who is in a different department!

Thanks for your advice again. I definitely know where to turn for help, in case A decides to do something nasty to me again. The university is always on the students' side. Students are allowed to submit their dissertations against their advisors with the school's approval, so that should apply for the final draft. That's why A "had to" help me finish when he learnt that I documented his behaviour and sent a copy to C. However, at the moment, I don't have much ground to report A, because he approved my submission pretty quickly after C stepped in to alleviate the situation. My submission was only delayed by a month or two as a result, so it is hard to argue that A was the culprit. Actually, I doubt A will delay signing off my dissertation, because I recorded his behaviours, and I could easily tell B about that if I got to work with him. However, I just cannot use rational thinking to predict this man's behaviour. It just does not make sense that he intended to delay my graduation because he hates B. You know, he is the main advisor, and if I don't submit on time, the school will scrutinise him (not B or C). I certainly won't work that hard for A now, but at a minimum, I keep my promise to help him out with one experiment. He asked me to do that in the spare time while I was still writing my dissertation, but I turned down and said I would help out after submission. I could not say no at that time. That experiment is very easy, and I only need a day, so I will do that. Otherwise, he can use that as a ground to say bad things about me. I can help out with others, but only within what I can handle. I will tell him (and C) that I am looking for jobs, but can help a bit while I am waiting. He will be okay with that, so long as he doesn't know that I am looking into B. That's the tricky part here! You know, that potential Cell manuscript involves A, B and C, and we will meet to discuss the manuscript, so it is difficult to hide. Another tricky thing is that B appears to have no knowledge of A's anger towards him. Maybe B is good at hiding, but I can't assume that. In case he doesn't know, he will be confused when I ask him not to tell A and C. I will have to explain what A has done to me. A's comments on B are so negative and untrue that B must get very angry (e.g. This stupid man doesn't know such and such). I can potentially blow the project up because of this move! Even if B maintains his manner, he may see me as someone who is into gossiping and does not know how to work with others. It is not the end of the world if A knows that I plan to work for B; I just need to break up with A beautifully. I don't worry about C knowing it though, because she only cares about whether there is money to continue the project. She was just trying to maintain her good relationship with A.

I can totally relate. One of my advisors is particularly hard on students, although she always means well. She always says things like "It doesn't say anything", "You don't read other papers and learn how they write as I told you so many times" etc., but obviously I have done my very best. My other advisor, on the other hand, knows how to phrase his words, "I don't understand this and that sentence here", "These paragraphs are disconnected. You will need to write a sentence or two to link them better" etc. They essentially mean the same thing, but his words are more comfortable to hear than her words. Unfortunately, it is a matter of your advisor's personality, which you cannot do much about. It is just very difficult to criticise her way of delivering feedback. It is good that you have identified what you should work on, and that is key to improvement. You can tell her that you are concerned and worried about your progress, because you are still catching up with some of the concepts. She should be able to advise how you can learn those concepts, e.g. which textbook to read. You can also turn to other colleagues in your office for advice. Once you have a better understanding of those concepts, you will do a much better job at your writing. She will be less critical of your work, and you will feel less stressed. That's how I got through my hard time with my difficult advisor! My advice is to keep trying your best, and try not to take her words personal (I know it is hard!).

That's the advice from my tutor. She actually got students to just read the figure legends and understand the papers. It was hard for everyone at first, but this strategy is very handy to understand a large number of papers within a short time. Another strategy is to shortlist your reading. Find some recent reviews on your topic. This way, you don't need to go through a lot of papers to understand the literature. Should you need to do any reading, it will be those cited in the reviews.

I start with the abstract. If I am interested in the paper, then I will read the last paragraph of the introduction (containing major findings) and the conclusion. If I need more information, I will read the figure legends and relevant parts of the methods. Only if I am very interested in the study do I read the whole article. I usually start writing about the papers as soon as I find them useful. The strategy that works for everyone is different. Try any strategies that may help you read faster, and jot down notes. Then read the whole paper and see if your notes cover the details. This will help you to find out what works the best for you.

Thank you for going through the long story and your advice, TakeruK! I am in step 1 of the graduation phase. It is very difficult to say how much I need A and C after I graduate, but I may need them to give me reference. According to my school's policy, once my advisors approve that I can submit, they no longer have any actual power on my graduation. From this point onwards, it is the examiners and the school to decide if I can graduate. One thing though, if examiners suggest any revision, A, as the main advisor, has to confirm that he sights the changes before I can confer my PhD. I am 100% sure that my examiners will ask for revision; it's just a matter of minor or major. Given A's bad reaction towards B, I am concerned that he will intentionally delay that. A is aggressive towards B; he always tries to disagree with B's suggestion on my dissertation drafts. B, however, remains gentle and professional. He is happy to compromise with A whenever possible. One important thing though: B has no knowledge of what A did to me, and that has something to do with him. I only told C because A and C have very good relationships. Turned out, C alleviated the situation by asking me to work for A. If I told B the whole drama, I might elicit big fight between A and B, which I would have suffered more. Well, I kept records of what A did to me, because I considered bringing that up to the school. If A decides to play me again, I have all the evidence to report it to B and the school. A will lose his professional reputation as a result. Although the situation is in favour of me, I don't want things to get to that state. You know, I still need to get through the formal application process before B can give me a formal offer. My chance is over 95%, but I cannot assume that I get the place before that. Otherwise, I can break the news to A and C, and break up with them, without any worries. C is not the sort of nasty person like A, and I know she will be okay with me working for B. In fact, she would be happy that I am proactive in my career. A and C will only hire me until I defend, but I don't wish to work for them anymore, because they will take advantage of me for sure. I can negotiate with them what to do, but that is useless. They confirmed to the school that I finished all my experiments and I could write my dissertation, but they still asked for more after that. So I don't trust them. I can foresee that B's offer will come some time in that waiting month. Why not accept B's offer before dealing with their loose ends? I will have to consult B, but I am almost certain that B will agree, as long as I prioritise his work. If I get hired by B, helping out A and C will be out of courtesy. It is up to me how much I help them, so it is less stressful than working for A and C before starting with B. A himself can finish the experiments for his project; it will just take a longer time. A and C had a student who "promised" to help out with some experiments after her PhD, but she disappeared immediately when she got a job! She never came back for them. I am planning to do the same, because they take my help for granted, without considering how pressurised it has been!