crazygirl2012

First off, I will say that only you and her know what really happened, and perhaps, the two of you have two separate perceptions of what happened. I am not accusing you, or her, of any false reports and there is no way for any of us to know for sure, anyways. With that, this is a politically charged topic that some may want to distance themselves from. Since this was a reported event, and you were approached by police, there will be a record of this on file somewhere that can come up during the screening process with future employment. Be prepared to defend your side as professionally as possible. In this case, it can follow you around forever, and the dilemma is over should you divulge this information before the future employer finds out, or should you take your chance and hope they never do?
As for rumors following you around, it depends on too many factors.

Honestly, I think that your actions have to speak louder than your words. That is, you'll need to prove to your current and future colleagues that you were falsely accused. Because my reaction, at least upon reading your initial post, is that you were accused of something but it didn't go any further because various authority figures decided that the accuser's story was weak and thus had little chance of being successful in court. None of which, by the way, indicates a false accusation, merely one with a lack of physical evidence or other factors that make police and prosecutors hesitant to legally pursue such crimes and perpetuate a cultural problem where women who are raped or sexually assaulted keep silent, rather than coming forward.

I don't know what I would do in your situation, but I would caution you that if you bring this to the chair, it could result in some kind of face-to-face sit down with this professor and you and the chair. You don't have a grade yet, and the things you list, although irritating and degrading and hurtful, aren't anything she is going to be "in trouble" for, per se. Also, all of that stuff so far is her word against yours, and if she just says she isn't rude to you, then the chair is going to think you are overly sensitive. If you get lower than an A- and you truly believe it's unjustified, then I would reevaluate and maybe speak to someone. But at this point she hasn't actually done anything that can be fixed. And you don't want the chair telling her she has to be nice to you, because that isn't going to make her like you. At all. I think maybe just chalk it up to a bad experience and move on. And hate her once the class is over and and never take a course with her again.

It sounds like you're trying to do too much, and then not doing a good job at any of it. Are you really trying to do two program's worth of work?? You should speak to your adviser(s) and/or graduate counselor and figure out a course of action that makes sense..

1, I learn from my cohort (and other students) just as much as from professors, if not more. They have been extremely important to my academic development.
2. They are the first people I run my crazy ideas past. They are the ones I complain to. They are the ones with slightly more experience who advise me on what to do next in my career, or who I advise on their problems. They proofread my papers and comment on them. Yes, they are still important.
3. Actually many of my professors are still friends with their cohorts and other students who they went to grad school with. Some of them still publish together and they also visit each other occasionally.

Did you move to a new area for grad school? I'm originally from New York, but I've lived in the Midwest for many years. People here are much more polite and less straightforward than they are back East. It would be harder for Midwestern students to criticize each other's work. I agree with Eigen that a discussion about personal attacks vs. constructive criticism is in order. The book that SeriousSillyPutty recommended sounds good too! I don't agree with your student either, but I give you credit for taking his words into account and thinking about your approach. It surprises me that he's having this strong of a reaction and he's not even critiquing his own classmates' work yet. Critical thinking is one of the most important skills to develop in college!

I think I might have a "discussion" the next class on how someone's ideas and positions are not necessarily integrally connected to them, as a person, and that it is possible to objectively and politely critique ideas without attacking the person who has those ideas. Just an idea.

I don't want to sound preachy, so I'm really sorry if this post ends up that way, but I do want to stress the importance of having and following your own ethical code - for your own psychological health and for the good of society.

As a scientist and a compassionate human, I think you have an obligation to yourself and to everyone around you to use your powers for good. What exactly it means to do good in this world is up for debate, and every person has their own point where they draw the line. It sounds like you already know what you believe, and you're just having difficulty standing up for those beliefs. You're in a difficult, unenviable position, but these are the life choices that define who we are as human beings.

Muster up the courage to stand up for what you believe in, even in the face of negative consequences. Think about the kind of example you want to set for your fellow students and/or (if it helps) your future kids. Plus, think about what kinds of effects doing this work will have on you. If you're going to lab every day feeling ethically conflicted, you're not going to have passion and excitement for your research. Not only would that spoil the fun, if you're not passionate about what you do, you won't be doing your best work. And you'll lose confidence in your ability to do what's right.

If you decide you don't want to do this research, but you're having difficulty figuring out how to carry out this decision (dealing with your advisor, etc), we're all here to help as best as we can. There are also probably people at your university (try the ombuds office) that can help you navigate such a decision. If you think the research applications aren't actually against your ethical code but you're just not sure if you can carry out animal research yourself, you can send me a PM.

Best of luck!

Sometime in grad school I realized that I didn't care as much as some of the other people in my cohort. I would see them in the research room in the wee hours of the night, or every time we ran into each other they would want to talk about theory when I just wanted to talk about last night's episode of Lost or something. They were working on multiple projects and planning their academic lives, and I was thinking about shoes. I felt inadequate, like a fake academic.

And then around my third year, I stopped caring. Coincidentally, that's around the time I stopped seeing my cohort mates as much, but I think I just grew up. The vast majority of employees do not spend their every waking moment thinking about work, so why should I be any different? I prefer shoe shopping to literature searches. So what? Most people prefer their hobbies to work. I'm good at what I do, I'm passionate about my work, I really love my field. My adviser says I'm an ideal student at this stage, I have a first-authored paper out and another in the works, I have a fellowship. I am clearly doing what I should be doing.

So I say the same to you. If you love what you are doing and no one has complained about it yet, and you're doing what you need to prepare yourself for the job market in a realistic way…who cares if you aren't the superstar? I realized that I could either choose to be the superstar and make myself care more, or I could be happy with who I am and just be the great (but not superstar) grad student. Even if you are never as motivated as she is, or she gets the more prestigious job than you…who cares? IF you are content with what you do, then you've won within yourself.

I also agree with the others - I came straight from undergrad, and I am now in my 5th year. I learned things in my 3rd or 4th year that I wish I knew when I was 22 or 23. It's just part of living. She may have worked those 4 years and hated her job and is really relishing being back in school, whereas you don't know the contrast between full time work and studying something you love. Or maybe she worked 80-hour weeks and so this is just a piece of cake for her. She may have acquired skills in her "past life" that are very useful, whereas you will have to learn those skills as you go along. That's okay.

Evaluations are a little of both. You aren't explicitly compared with your cohort mates, but of course the DGS and your adviser are going to compare you to other students (past and present) vis-a-vis where you should be given your year in the program. Don't worry, though. If she blasts through all of her coursework and takes her comps at the end of her first year or something, you won't be considered "behind" because you are taking a more conventional route and just finished what you were supposed to have finished. Stay in communication with your advisor, follow your handbook, and do your own thing, and you should be fine.

It sounds like you're doing just fine! I'm straight out of undergrad as well. I've always been very prone to comparison, but I'm learning that constantly worrying about how you measure up to others is no way to live. I don't know for sure about end-of-year evaluations (just that we get them too), but I'd be very surprised if they compared you to others. That would just be incredibly awkward to write... "____ is pretty good at ____, but ____ is much better!"

She's ahead of you in life experience. Even I would be intimidated if I came straight out of undergrad! I did go straight to a graduate program after my undergrad and thought exactly like you. After getting my MA, taking some time off, and going back for my PhD, I can appreciate what this cohort member of yours is doing. I'm actually doing most of what she's doing.

Truth is, time off from academia and working and having that prior graduate experience make one truly appreciate being in a PhD program, especially if it's very competitive to get in. Chances are that she probably missed being in the life of the mind so reading materials in the field "for fun" seems natural to her. Even I'm doing it... I don't mind really. I'm just so hungry after abstaining for so long.

The other thing is that the "working world" does offer some valuable lessons like networking and time management that aren't taught in a PhD program. I am actually changing a lot of ways that i am doing now as a PhD student from my MA experiene. Now I actually try to work during the day with some dabbling in the evenings every day instead of putting everything off until after 2 PM and sleeping in. And networking gets you ahead in life. Because you can't always depend on your boss (adviser) to make connections for you. My PhD adviser knows that I'm a networking machine and is quite insistent that if I want something from somebody, then I have to ask myself. She won't make connections for me unless I absolutely do not know the person.

You might want to reach out to her and ask some questions. Don't be intimidated- she might actually offer some mentoring to help you along the way.

I have a red stapler, and I wrote "Ferrari" on one side and drew the prancing horse on the other... using a sharpie.

Okay, this I AM going to disagree with, @wildviolet. Everyone I've spoken with, grad student and professor alike, promises the first semester is the absolute worst. Most have considered quitting at least twice. Second semester is a bit better because you've found your bearings and things are more expected. You have a routine. And then by your second year? You're good to go. Things get better and better. I PROMISE that.

I was only accepted at one, so there was no decision to be made, and I still sometimes have my doubts. I wonder if I should have taken a year off and tried again, hoping to have more options. But really I know that I'm in the right place, and you probably are too. It sounds like you were choosing between two great programs, and that must be tough! Just keep in mind that no place is perfect. The other one would have its downsides as well.

To add to the chorus, I also find that wine makes the marking go down easier; course reading too. Anything that's mindless. Writing and lab work, however, take coffee.

I'm not first, but I'm pretty early in my advisors lineup. It's been a great experience for me, personally. Being young, he's a lot more attentive and remembers what grad school was like, and also has what I would consider a lot more "timely" advice on the job market, applying for positions, post-docs, fellowships, etc. than older faculty because he just got finished with the process!

It also means I've gotten a lot of experience in setting up a lab, protocols, grant writing, paper writing and so forth that I might not have in a more established lab.

On a personal level, we have a lot more in common, so we have a good relationship outside the lab as well- we've both been married about the same length of time, both have spouses that are/were about the same time behind us in PhD programs, etc. He and his wife have definitely been helpful to us in looking at the day-to-day problems of a two-body situation, as well as how best to handle it.

This isn't always the case, though- I've got friends working with other young faculty that have issues- too much micromanagement, want their grad students to be just like them, etc. And I've got friends working with older, established faculty that have either great relationships or issues. Long term, I think it doesn't matter so much whether your advisor is old or young, but rather how well you fit with them.

I also have friends on either end of the spectrum for graduation time- the first two from our research group graduated below average, and some others in "young" groups were way above average. Seems to be on the personality of the advisor- either they see the benefit in helping you get out the door so you can go on to be an independent research since they identify with you, or they feel the need to keep you around to help boost their research career, since they're just starting off. But again, this seems to be dependent on the individual rather than their age.

There are a couple of great topics on this same issue from the last year or so, you might find good advice there as well. Definitely some people who haven't posted here yet.

Both of those remarks you got are true. On the one hand, your success will be *very* important for your advisor so he'll invest more in you than other advisors would. He might also expect a high work pace and results pretty early, because his productivity will highly depend on yours, so you could end your PhD with a higher-than-usual publication rate. On the other hand, as a new advisor, he doesn't have a placement record and he may (will!) make rookie mistakes in advising occasionally. So it's more of a gamble than having a more established advisor - with greater risks and potentially greater rewards.

One good way of solving at least some of the potential problems that could arise from this advisor's inexperience is to have a second advisor/mentor who would also be involved in your education. You could use this person's experience and connections to resolve conflicts and to have better chances at the job market. Is that an option for you - is there a second person at the school who could fill this role?

Stick it out. First semester is always, always the hardest.

And, seriously, don't be afraid to complain/white/annoy your adviser if s/he seems like a reasonable, kind person. A good adviser will help you sort things out because, well, everyone's gone through this crap. And definitely express your concerns about your adviser being on leave- will she able to keep in touch with you via e-mail and Skype? In any case, you will need to start finding a couple of faculty members who can serve as mentors. There will be times when your adviser is too insanely busy to pay attention to you when you need it or when you don't feel comfortable talking about X just yet and want a perspective. So when your adviser is on leave, you have those faculty members to turn to.

And you do learn to "read between the lines" in academic texts. It takes a lot of time and practice. A member posted a fabulous post on how to read in CHE forums. Use the search function in the Grad School Life subforum.

My 85 year old coworker (whom I adore) told me I better get my act together and start studying for the GRE or I'll get stuck in this hell hole just like she did. That was really the kick in the ass I needed. Taking it in September.

It's complicated. I think you're lucky to be close to family and friends. However, I understand your need to get away and have a fresh start. I chose the latter--fresh start in a brand new place, and I wish I could be closer to family and friends, if only for the convenience of easy visits during holidays and weekends. If grad school isn't your fresh start, perhaps your post-doc or first academic position can be your fresh start. It's very easy to think the grass is greener on the other side, to wonder what-if, and to second guess yourself and the hardest decision you've ever made. If there's no going back now, then I suggest making the best of things.

Most of my colleagues come from working-class families, the rest are probably from middle. As for me, I'm an only child from an upper-middle class family. Although I live off the same stipend as everyone else, I am fortunate to have no student loans to pay off. I do feel incredibly lucky for that. Maybe there are others in my department who aren't in debt, but I wouldn't know because I don't mention it. Ever. To answer your question, I would say that no, most grad students probably are not from upper class families, but some are. Some who come from money are going to flaunt it more than others. Your post definitely didn't come across as judgmental, but just because we're on the topic, I'd like to ask everyone to try not to make assumptions about people's personalities or values based on their family's income. There are plenty of grateful, down-to-earth grad students who do come from a privileged background.

Y'all are great! And so very right. I used my first "off" day to attend meetings and make myself visible elsewhere. I have no regrets--it was a great use of time, and it's also a great way to see what's going on outside your own lab. I recommend it, if you have the time to spare! If you don't, try to make time.

The connotation here is that being born into a situation of opportunity makes a person less respectable when they succeed.

1. The shame in coming from money is that you've been handed a position in life rather than earning it.
2. You can't buy a position in graduate school and you can't buy your thesis; you have to work and earn these distinctions.

Therefore, while there certainly are people that are born into situations that put them in an advantageous or disadvantageous position to succeed at the graduate level, there is no shame in succeeding here because of the opportunities a person is born into.

For example, I was raised in a military family and I know many people that had virtually the same upbringing and therefore opportunities that I had. These peers exhibit the full spectrum of success and failure in life: some have used the same opportunities I have had to earn important jobs and others have wasted these opportunities and are drug addicts that live with their parents. Your opportunities might provide you a door, but you have to walk through it in graduate school. This isn't your dad's business that hands you a big salary job after skating through college.

Sorry for the giant picture! This is my lovely, 9-year-old golden retriever, Tuscany. He lives with my mom and she's slightly obsessed with him. I'm planning to adopt a cat in grad school and name her Vienna, after my favorite Billy Joel song. I love dogs, but I won't be home often enough in grad school to give him/her enough exercise. It wouldn't be fair to the dog.

Got it. If I could start a charity that would help others avoid the GRE, I would. It took such a toll on my well-being.