2018 venting thread

[Melvillage_Idiot]

On 2/9/2018 at 5:25 PM, Yanaka said:

I’m super curious about the topic. What makes them so angry, exactly? I get sadness, but being mad means that it’s more than being sad you’ll move away. I don’t know anything about that reaction!

Other folks have already kind of answered this question, but since I'm the one who brought up the topic, I should probably throw in my specific two cents: In my case, I think a lot of it comes from a pretty drastic shift in my dad's family's dynamic from about a year ago. My grandmother passed away, and after her death, several of my dad's siblings revealed a dramatic side that we didn't really know was there. One of my aunts refused to have anything to do with the funeral or to help the family in any way, and from that things...spiraled. Dad's kind of the family mediator, and it was really hard on him to watch a lot of family bonds disintegrate.

Like @renea's family, my dad's family have mostly stayed in the same area, and like @M(allthevowels)H's family, they're very religious (Dad's actually a minister). Those are some pretty tight bonds that I'd already broken when I left to get my MA (well, the religion thing broke earlier), but when I left for that Dad was my biggest booster. He was sad, yeah, but far happier to know I was doing what I loved and taking the next step. After Mamaw's death, though, I think he's recontextualized my going really far away as another sign the family is failing. That's why something renea said really stuck with me:

14 hours ago, renea said:

It makes you feel guilty. It causes tension in your family.

I don't want to feel guilty about leaving, but I do, because I know that Dad's linked all these family shake-ups together. I don't want Dad to think that, should I go to Denver, I'm somehow punishing him further for the death of his mother. That's probably absurd, I know, but that's where the thoughts end up going.

And so I do my best to be patient. I try to talk to him about other topics, and share my school info mostly with Mom (who is enormously supportive). I trust that Dad will never stop loving me, and that in time, we'll all get through the drama and everything will be fine. In the moment, though, it's not easy.

[CulturalCriminal]

I just saw this gem of over-venting on the results page for Pitt's Film program:

"Seriously who is in charge of admittance?! No wonder your program has fallen by the wayside like U of Iowa. MFA Film Production from top 3 film school, Student Emmy Winner, Student Academy Award Finalist, MA in Film Studies from top 5 University in the entire world, 1 publication, 1 forthcoming, and 5 conferences. I would say good luck to the admitted, but I'm sure you'll produce mediocre research. Bitter...just a bit. You did me a favor Pitt. Deuces"

I really hope this is a joke, or at least someone not in LRC or Interdisciplinary threads. If it isn't a joke, someone needs to chill tf out. Does Pitt even have that big of a production program, anyway? It seems like a poor fit for whoever this was.

[renea]

On 2/11/2018 at 11:38 AM, Melvillage_Idiot said:

After Mamaw's death, though, I think he's recontextualized my going really far away as another sign the family is failing.

I feel you on this. My mom died my senior year when I was applying to MA programs. I would always talk to her about things and she would relay messages to my dad. After she died I had to basically start learning to communicate with him, because I realized we never really sat down and talked to each other much when I was growing up. My mom was really the glue to our family and when she died I think my dad let go of his identity as a dad and really fixated on his loss of my mom  and his identity as a widow (which I understand and realize he couldn't really control). But, much like your dad, I think he saw me leaving as just another aspect of us not being a family unit anymore.

It doesn't help that my family has not dealt with the death properly. My younger sister became severely depressed and dropped out of school. My dad became engaged and remarried within a few months. There was a lot of fighting and drama between my family and I was not there. Being far away and very occupied with school made me feel so helpless. Especially since I was being used as a proxy mediator in my mom's place. 

It's calmed down a lot in the past year, but I've mostly had to learn to navigate a different family than the one I grew up in. Whereas I wouldn't go 2 days without calling my mom, I go weeks with talking to my dad.  We don't talk about school much. Mostly small talk like the weather or my dog, sometimes I send him a picture of a meal I cooked or something funny I saw. Mostly though, I keep stuff to myself until it's necessary to share. Like my dad knows I'm applying to programs, but he hasn't asked which ones. I don't update him really on the process although I'll probably tell him when I travel for a visiting weekend. 

Whoops, realized I just spilled my life in there. But eh, it's already typed. Hope it let's everyone know, your not the only one who is dealing with grad school and family problems 

Edited February 13, 2018 by renea

[Yanaka]

39 minutes ago, CulturalCriminal said:

I just saw this gem of over-venting on the results page for Pitt's Film program:

"Seriously who is in charge of admittance?! No wonder your program has fallen by the wayside like U of Iowa. MFA Film Production from top 3 film school, Student Emmy Winner, Student Academy Award Finalist, MA in Film Studies from top 5 University in the entire world, 1 publication, 1 forthcoming, and 5 conferences. I would say good luck to the admitted, but I'm sure you'll produce mediocre research. Bitter...just a bit. You did me a favor Pitt. Deuces"

I really hope this is a joke, or at least someone not in LRC or Interdisciplinary threads. If it isn't a joke, someone needs to chill tf out. Does Pitt even have that big of a production program, anyway? It seems like a poor fit for whoever this was.

Someone is pissed! Haha. They probably felt they weren’t a good fit, with that attitude and that “pedigree.”

[M(allthevowels)H]

14 hours ago, CulturalCriminal said:

I just saw this gem of over-venting on the results page for Pitt's Film program:

"Seriously who is in charge of admittance?! No wonder your program has fallen by the wayside like U of Iowa. MFA Film Production from top 3 film school, Student Emmy Winner, Student Academy Award Finalist, MA in Film Studies from top 5 University in the entire world, 1 publication, 1 forthcoming, and 5 conferences. I would say good luck to the admitted, but I'm sure you'll produce mediocre research. Bitter...just a bit. You did me a favor Pitt. Deuces"

I really hope this is a joke, or at least someone not in LRC or Interdisciplinary threads. If it isn't a joke, someone needs to chill tf out. Does Pitt even have that big of a production program, anyway? It seems like a poor fit for whoever this was.

I always worry that academia is waaaay too small for self-aggrandizing fits to stay truly anonymous.

I'm also petty enough to hope that they lost their spot to someone from an itsy-bitsy state school with no pubs and no conferences.

[maengret]

You know what? If you send me a rejection email, you really don't need to email an hour later to correct a typo in the first message.

[Warelin]

3 minutes ago, maengret said:

You know what? If you send me a rejection email, you really don't need to email an hour later to correct a typo in the first message.

unless it's to say that they meant to say accepted.

[maengret]

51 minutes ago, Warelin said:

unless it's to say that they meant to say accepted.

Okay. That would be fine  ha ha! This was someone typo'd the year (2017 instead of 2018). I can't tell if they work for a nitpicker or if they really had a rejected person contact them to ask about the date, but I felt like "leave me out of it and let me live my life!"

[LexHex]

Please don't enthusiastically agree (or agree in any matter) to write a rec letter and then ghost. Especially when you're on the literal other side of the nation and I have no way to contact you or hunt you down.

[la_mod]

I’m feeling such pressure from everyone to stay in CA and it’s killing me. I feel so so so fortunate to have three amazing schools to consider and I feel like Michigan is the obvious choice... but I’m scared about leaving my family and boyfriend. 

[Yanaka]

7 hours ago, la_mod said:

I’m feeling such pressure from everyone to stay in CA and it’s killing me. I feel so so so fortunate to have three amazing schools to consider and I feel like Michigan is the obvious choice... but I’m scared about leaving my family and boyfriend. 

So Michigan is your top choice?

[mk-8]

9 hours ago, la_mod said:

I’m feeling such pressure from everyone to stay in CA and it’s killing me. I feel so so so fortunate to have three amazing schools to consider and I feel like Michigan is the obvious choice... but I’m scared about leaving my family and boyfriend. 

I think we're living the same life; I've been so overwhelmed with pressure to stay at my MA school, but I have my own top choice. I'm also just generally nervous about moving so far away, and I'm like 98% sure that if I move, my boyfriend and I will break up.  

[Warelin]

9 hours ago, la_mod said:

I’m feeling such pressure from everyone to stay in CA and it’s killing me. I feel so so so fortunate to have three amazing schools to consider and I feel like Michigan is the obvious choice... but I’m scared about leaving my family and boyfriend. 

Decisions like this are hard to make. Family support is important but choices aren't always obvious and you should never feel pressured in one way or another. At the end of the day, I'm sure they'll support you no matter what decision you make. Is there someone you're most excited to work with? Is the stipend provided enough? Are the placements in your concentration similar to where you hope to be? Does the city excite you? What about the weather? Conferences?

[Yanaka]

1 hour ago, mk-8 said:

I think we're living the same life; I've been so overwhelmed with pressure to stay at my MA school, but I have my own top choice. I'm also just generally nervous about moving so far away, and I'm like 98% sure that if I move, my boyfriend and I will break up.  

But the grad program won’t break up with you 

As a single-for-ever individual I get that I’m a little cold-hearted, but in the end choosing one program over your top choice because it’s closer is not a good idea. If you applied to get into your dream program and it’s opening its arms to you, well... You wanted it, you got it, go for it!!

Edited February 15, 2018 by Yanaka

[la_mod]

4 hours ago, Yanaka said:

So Michigan is your top choice?

I’m leaning towards it, yeah. Higher rank, better funding, I think the vibe is a good fit for me, etc. 

 

2 hours ago, mk-8 said:

I think we're living the same life; I've been so overwhelmed with pressure to stay at my MA school, but I have my own top choice. I'm also just generally nervous about moving so far away, and I'm like 98% sure that if I move, my boyfriend and I will break up.  

My boyfriend swears that we won’t break up and that he’ll move after he finishes his respective grad program in a year, but I’m worried. 

 

2 hours ago, Warelin said:

Decisions like this are hard to make. Family support is important but choices aren't always obvious and you should never feel pressured in one way or another. At the end of the day, I'm sure they'll support you no matter what decision you make. Is there someone you're most excited to work with? Is the stipend provided enough? Are the placements in your concentration similar to where you hope to be? Does the city excite you? What about the weather? Conferences?

My family is very excited for me, but I can tell that they’re sad. 

 

1 hour ago, Yanaka said:

But the grad program won’t break up with you 

As a single-for-ever individual I get that I’m a little cold-hearted, but in the end choosing one program over your top choice because it’s closer is not a good idea. If you applied to get into your dream program and it’s opening its arms to you, well... You wanted it, you got it, go for it!!

I know that you’re right, and I needed to hear this, but gooooood. I feel so whiny, but it’s hard. Ideally, I’d like to marry this dude and have children eventually and all that, and I know if we can’t make it work than it won’t be right anyway, but it’s still scary.

[punctilious]

6 minutes ago, la_mod said:

My boyfriend swears that we won’t break up and that he’ll move after he finishes his respective grad program in a year, but I’m worried. 

It can absolutely work. I moved away before my now-husband's final year of undergrad. It was tough, but if you have a definitive end date, then you can get through it--after all, there's so much technology nowadays that makes it easier.

[M(allthevowels)H]

11 hours ago, la_mod said:

I’m feeling such pressure from everyone to stay in CA and it’s killing me. I feel so so so fortunate to have three amazing schools to consider and I feel like Michigan is the obvious choice... but I’m scared about leaving my family and boyfriend. 

Leaving California is a whole thing. Not only will the people you leave behind not understand, but the people in the new place won't either. You'll get a lot of "Why would you leave LA (because all of So Cal is LA when you go far enough east) to come here?"

For me it was totally worth it, 100%, no regrets. Upsides include: actually feeling seasons, understanding a totally different set of cultures and behaviors (Philadelphia is uniquely rude but ultimately kind? Like their kindness is just not at all tied to politeness in any way?) and being in a place where the average building is older than your state carries so much interesting history. The ghost tours are A+. Downsides: It's whiter than you can imagine. If you're used to a strong Mexican/El Salvadorian presence in your vicinity, there is a noticeable vacuum. Also, related, the tacos suck.

As far as leaving people behind, it does suck. But the good ones follow you. They stay in touch, they write and call, or they show up after your first semester just to sleep three wide on an air mattress. You'll meet new people who can be there for you in every day life, but the people you have will still be there for you in all the ways they still can.

[Yanaka]

@la_mod I'm not saying it's not scary and painful, I can only imagine! I used to do long distance but it was only a 2-h train ride in tiny France, and I still cried every time. I trust if you guys love each other deeply and have that incredible bond, you'll work out. Is he sure he will be able/will want to move to where you are? 

I was just trying to say that you guys applied where you did in spite of the chances of getting in for a reason--better go live your dreams and have that partner's support and unconditional love, now  

With regards to the *other* people left behind, it was a little tough. I almost lost my best friend during that first semester because we didn't make the time to call each other and we'd build up jealousy via social media (for different reasons and social media is stupid). It's not a natural move to maintain long-distance bonds, it's definitely some work with some of your friends and it requires to adjust to the new relationship. The trick for us is regular random calls that you miss or take, instead of planning ahead and it falls through.

Edited February 15, 2018 by Yanaka

[mads47]

@la_mod @mk-8

Ok this might sound incredibly bitter of me, and I know that moving away from the people you love is incredibly difficult. But in these forums, there are numerous wives, fiancees, and girlfriends helping their male partners through the application process and planning to adjust their life plans to fit their partners' life dreams. Yet, though you are clearly strong, intelligent women, you are scared that if you live the life you want, it will inconvenience your partner. 

And to be completely honest, meeting someone you click with is statistically a lot easier than getting into grad school. If you break-up, you will find someone else. If you turn down a school, it is unlikely that you'll ever be able to change your mind and get re-accepted. 

I hope this is not too harsh. I am just sick of watching amazing women give up their dreams for men who wouldn't do the same.

Edited February 15, 2018 by mads47

[Yanaka]

19 minutes ago, mads47 said:

@la_mod @mk-8

Ok this might sound incredibly bitter of me, and I know that moving away from the people you love are incredibly difficult. But in these forums, there are numerous wives, fiancees, and girlfriends helping their male partners through the application process and planning to adjust their life plans to fit their partners' life dreams. Yet, though you are clearly strong, intelligent women, you are scared that if you live the life you want, it will inconvenience your partner. 

And to be completely honest, meeting someone you click with is statistically a lot easier than getting into grad school. If you break-up, you will find someone else. If you turn down a school, it is unlikely that you'll ever be able to change your mind and get re-accepted. 

I hope this is not too harsh. I am just sick of watching amazing women give up their dreams for men who wouldn't do the same.

So true. Well, it's not that easy to meet someone anymore (that's how I feel), but yes, for me it's def. career > partner in this sort of situation. But yes, totally unfair again to have women follow their spouse rather than have it the other way around.

If you're giving up a dream/opportunity for someone, I think it says something about your relationship. Otherwise why apply to those programs in the first place? There are some people here who applied exclusively to programs in their area, and I guess if there are special circumstances (health, kids, family) then you don't apply to long-distance stuff.

If you guys did apply to programs far away despite the risk, then it probably means that it was always your priority to follow your dreams and career. No?

Edited February 15, 2018 by Yanaka

[jrockford27]

If it makes those dealing with partner issues feel better, I've seen quite a few examples in my program of people making it work, and coming to perfectly reasonable compromises. Often times these compromises can make life more difficult for one or both partners, but they make it work nevertheless.  One of my committee members and his partner lived apart for 10 years before they were finally able to land jobs at the same university - indeed, they had to live apart for a long time so that they could develop their careers so that they could eventually achieve that particular dream. He told me that it was a wonderful thing for their relationship that they were both willing to accept the distance for a little while in order to be able to spend the rest of their lives together.  They're in their 40s, they've both got tenure at the same place, and in 40 years when they retire that 10 years will probably seem like a blip.  Your life is a very very long time.

This is a very very tough business to be in if you're going to have a romantic life, it strains relationships.  If your partners aren't academics, they need to be able to understand and accept that, and you should be very honest with them about it.  You aren't going to have a lot of say in where you get to go for your first job out of school (even less than your say in where you go to grad school!), or if you remain geographically rooted, that will potentially bring its own struggles.

 

Edited February 15, 2018 by jrockford27

[automatic]

Ugh I just, after getting one official rejection and two implied (CUNY and UPenn) texted my dad being sad and he said "your research interests were too vague." Dad!!! I'm still waiting to hear back from some places...way to kick me when I'm down. The worst part is I think I'm right, and that fact will dictate the rest of this admissions cycle for me with only more rejections to come :/ 

[mk-8]

I'm a little disheartened by some of the responses I've received here, especially because you don't know my situation at all. I'm not entirely sure I owe anyone an explanation. I think I'll be taking a break from the forums for a while. If anyone would like to connect over Twitter or FB, let me know, because I've met so many lovely people here  

[Yanaka]

4 hours ago, automatic said:

Ugh I just, after getting one official rejection and two implied (CUNY and UPenn) texted my dad being sad and he said "your research interests were too vague." Dad!!! I'm still waiting to hear back from some places...way to kick me when I'm down. The worst part is I think I'm right, and that fact will dictate the rest of this admissions cycle for me with only more rejections to come :/ 

Ughhh parents can be so blunt sometimes! They want to offer solutions sometimes and they think saying stuff like that is helpful. Nope!

[Yanaka]

6 hours ago, mk-8 said:

I'm a little disheartened by some of the responses I've received here, especially because you don't know my situation at all. I'm not entirely sure I owe anyone an explanation. I think I'll be taking a break from the forums for a while. If anyone would like to connect over Twitter or FB, let me know, because I've met so many lovely people here  

I don't think we want an explanation, and I'm sorry you guys were hurt. It seemed to me, though, that there were also people weighing "on your side." Don't leave the forum just because of this topic