Having a baby in grad school?

[afternooncoffee]

I'm planning to start grad school (PhD) in bioengineering/BME. Relevant to this topic: I am a female, married, and will be 27 when entering school. Considering the timeline of PhD programs and our family plans, we may want to try for a first child ~ 3 years in.

Is it possible to have a baby while in grad school? Has anyone here done it? I'm especially looking for any other stories from women who have been pregnant during programs requiring hands-on lab work.

Some other specific questions:

• Is it be possible to take "maternity leave" from a grad program and return to studies?
• Do schools offer any support, such as daycare options?
• Would this have a negative effect on faculty members' perception of me or willingness to offer future support, recommendations, etc.?
• Planning in advance, would you look for a program that seems more family-friendly (and how would you determine this)?

[PaulaHsiuling]

I began my Ph.D. program with a five-month-old baby and am now pregnant with my second (although in a history program, so no lab work).

To answer your questions in order:

Yes, motherhood in grad school is totally possible. It's extremely challenging and humbling, to be sure, but there are also advantages. For example, a small human is great for putting school problems into perspective, and parenthood eliminates perfectionist tendencies. I often tell people that doing the kid thing and the Ph.D. thing at the same time has been harder than I thought it would be, but I'm happier than I hoped I would be.

The private university that I attend offers two options for maternity leave: either I could take the entire semester off, forgo my stipend, and then tack that semester of funding on to the end of my program, or I could receive my stipend and work for only six weeks of the semester. I believe this is the federally guaranteed minimum in the U.S.; a friend at a public school told me she is entitled to an entire semester off with stipend, so you'd obviously have to check with your individual program.

Many universities offer daycare, but since the daycare is subsidized, the waiting lists can be long. Again, you would need to check with your program.

I have not experienced any discrimination or backlash in terms of support from faculty. If anything, the parenthood aspect gives us another way to connect, given that most of them are parents as well. That being said, a family-friendly department and especially a supportive advisor are absolutely crucial. In my experience, faculty with kids are far more supportive than those without. Other parents, both moms and dads, tend to approach me with a "hey, it's chaos, but great chaos" attitude, and provide invaluable support and guidance (accommodating the rigors of breastfeeding, helping me limit non-essential tasks, recommending projects where much of the research can be done locally, et cetera). So please talk to your prospective advisors, other faculty, program administrators, and students. Look for warmth and enthusiasm. If people tell you that combining a baby with doctoral study is a bad idea, what they're really telling you is that it's a bad idea to try to do it with them.

[AnxiousNerd]

I would say that if you are offered any interviews, do not mention that that's part of your plan. It seems sort of sketchy, I guess, but I do think it could be detrimental to your chances. Unless them knowing is very important to you. A friend of mine began her PhD in linguistics and an advisor wouldn't take her because of her maternity plans. 

[PaulaHsiuling]

5 minutes ago, AnxiousNerd said:

I would say that if you are offered any interviews, do not mention that that's part of your plan. It seems sort of sketchy, I guess, but I do think it could be detrimental to your chances. Unless them knowing is very important to you. A friend of mine began her PhD in linguistics and an advisor wouldn't take her because of her maternity plans. 

Personal life plans/hopes/dreams in general are way too tangential to discuss in an interview, but if you go on campus visits, either because you have already been accepted or because you are a very promising applicant, please do ask whether the department is family-friendly, how many students have children while in the program, what their experiences have been like, and if you can speak with them.

I don't think you (or I, or any woman, or any human) would want to attend a program that would penalize you for asking such questions in 2018.

[rheya19]

13 hours ago, PaulaHsiuling said:

Personal life plans/hopes/dreams in general are way too tangential to discuss in an interview, but if you go on campus visits, either because you have already been accepted or because you are a very promising applicant, please do ask whether the department is family-friendly, how many students have children while in the program, what their experiences have been like, and if you can speak with them.

I don't think you (or I, or any woman, or any human) would want to attend a program that would penalize you for asking such questions in 2018

I agree completely. My interview only covered research and potential career plans, but after they made an offer and when I visited, I asked a lot of those questions. They even set me up on a coffee date with a student who has a son so I could ask her about it. Paula is right that if any school is going to penalize you for having a family, then you should know that up front so you can pick a different school. ?

[Hope.for.the.best]

On 2/5/2018 at 6:06 AM, afternooncoffee said:

I'm planning to start grad school (PhD) in bioengineering/BME. Relevant to this topic: I am a female, married, and will be 27 when entering school. Considering the timeline of PhD programs and our family plans, we may want to try for a first child ~ 3 years in.

Is it possible to have a baby while in grad school? Has anyone here done it? I'm especially looking for any other stories from women who have been pregnant during programs requiring hands-on lab work.

Some other specific questions:

• Is it be possible to take "maternity leave" from a grad program and return to studies?
• Do schools offer any support, such as daycare options?
• Would this have a negative effect on faculty members' perception of me or willingness to offer future support, recommendations, etc.?
• Planning in advance, would you look for a program that seems more family-friendly (and how would you determine this)?

It is entirely possible to have a baby during grad school. Of course, you would need to check with your school regarding maternity leave and daycare options. For my school, students are given stipend for maternity leave of 6 months. In my school, people are generally happy and accepting for those who are expecting, and those who return from maternity leave. It may be hard to determine whether a program is family-friendly until you get in, but it helps if you can talk to students from your program of interest. However, you would need to make sure that your advisor is supportive, and that having a child would not affect you finishing your degree. You know, it is a lot of work to take care of a child, even if there are day care options at your school! I believe that you will need a lot of lab work for a program of bioengineering/BME. My PhD involved a lot of lab work, and it would not be possible for me to take care of a child. 

[lemma]

@afternooncoffee, thank you for asking this question - I'm slightly younger than you but am also hoping to have kids towards the end of my program or just after (just after may be easier). I can say that at my university, you can definitely take maternity leave, and I know there are playgroups organized for graduate students and their young children. It's hard to know about each advisor without being in the situation, as their attitude is probably also a function of their relationship with you, their workflow and their grants; all of which evolve.  

One thing to consider is whether you have any relatives in the city where you are based who could help supervise from time to time. 

 

[rising_star]

Somewhere on here there are threads about being pregnant in graduate school. Use the search feature to find them.

[E-P]

Let me preface this by saying that pregnant discrimination is illegal.  So your university is not allowed to not offer you admission based on being pregnant (or, I think, planning to become pregnant).

That said, universities are a business like any other.  They could easily say, "We didn't reject her due to her pregnancy plans, we rejected her because her research wasn't a good fit."  In other words, it's very hard to prove discrimination, especially if you're not already a student/employee.

Therefore, I agree: Don't mention your parenthood plans to anyone at the school.  However, you can take a look at other grad students.  Does anyone else have kids?  See if you can talk with them, and see if you can bring up the parenthood bit.  They'll be the best ones to tell you how good (or not) the school is with parental leave.

Finally, your graduate student handbook (available in PDF almost anywhere) will probably mention medical/pregnancy leave options.

[SLPinTraining2019]

Technically speaking, they have zero legal right to discriminate against you based on your family plans! They aren't even allowed to ask about your marital status, family structure, or family plans in an interview. However, It is up to you to decide if you wish to disclose that information. It may be beneficial to tell the program, because they may be able to help point you in the direction of on-campus resources that could help you out (daycares, etc). 

[Adelaide9216]

I am on the waiting list to adopt a child. The psychosocial evaluation will probably happen when I'll be in the middle of my Ph.D. program. If it does happen like that, it will be challenging, but surely not impossible (I am single but have a lot of family support). 

[Yanaka]

21 hours ago, Adelaide9216 said:

I am on the waiting list to adopt a child. The psychosocial evaluation will probably happen when I'll be in the middle of my Ph.D. program. If it does happen like that, it will be challenging, but surely not impossible (I am single but have a lot of family support). 

I am SO interested in the process of adopting when you're single. I thought it wasn't even possible!!

[Adelaide9216]

4 hours ago, Yanaka said:

I am SO interested in the process of adopting when you're single. I thought it wasn't even possible!!

I live in Quebec. It is possible here. But adoption in Quebec is a very long and rigorous process (takes 8 years approximately to get a psychosocial evaluation to have a child). There are other criteria as well. I am 25 but am eligible to adopt. I have put myself on the list last year because I am single and I don't think it's going to change anytime soon. I just have the feeling that I am still going to struggle in my romantic life, I have never been lucky on that aspect. And I know in my heart that I want a family, even if a family means being a single mother with an adopted child. (to be honest, I also would've done the process even if I was in a relationship and even if I already had a biological child). It gives me some hope to know that this option is still available to me even if I am single. 

[E-P]

4 hours ago, Yanaka said:

I am SO interested in the process of adopting when you're single. I thought it wasn't even possible!!

It's very possible in most states, although I don't know about Pennsylvania!  It's probably harder if you go through a private adoption and want a baby, but it's considerably more accepted and normal if you go through the foster care system and do a foster-to-adopt situation.  The latter is also, typically, less expensive.  I would check out http://www.adoptpakids.org/Default.aspx and contact your local coordinator.  He or she can take you through the logistics.

[Yanaka]

1 hour ago, Adelaide9216 said:

I live in Quebec. It is possible here. But adoption in Quebec is a very long and rigorous process (takes 8 years approximately to get a psychosocial evaluation to have a child). There are other criteria as well. I am 25 but am eligible to adopt. I have put myself on the list last year because I am single and I don't think it's going to change anytime soon. I just have the feeling that I am still going to struggle in my romantic life, I have never been lucky on that aspect. And I know in my heart that I want a family, even if a family means being a single mother with an adopted child. (to be honest, I also would've done the process even if I was in a relationship and even if I already had a biological child). It gives me some hope to know that this option is still available to me even if I am single. 

I've been feeling the same way about being single for a long time but still wanting to have a child. I was looking into pregnancy options being single, but it's a little overwhelming money-wise when I've never had money. Eight years is very long, no wonder you already started the process--it also gives time to be sure about it haha.

53 minutes ago, E-P said:

It's very possible in most states, although I don't know about Pennsylvania!  It's probably harder if you go through a private adoption and want a baby, but it's considerably more accepted and normal if you go through the foster care system and do a foster-to-adopt situation.  The latter is also, typically, less expensive.  I would check out http://www.adoptpakids.org/Default.aspx and contact your local coordinator.  He or she can take you through the logistics.

Thanks for the info! I'm here temporarily, and I don't know where I'll end up after my PhD, but it's good to know the options out there. It's pretty scary to think I'm in my late twenties, no partner any time soon (not even knowing the gender of future partner--could be a woman and we'd have the same "issue"), and I've always wanted a child.

Edit: looking at the website, it's interesting to know more about fostering. These poor kids, man.

Edited February 19, 2018 by Yanaka

[E-P]

7 minutes ago, Yanaka said:

Thanks for the info! I'm here temporarily, and I don't know where I'll end up after my PhD, but it's good to know the options out there. It's pretty scary to think I'm in my late twenties, no partner any time soon (not even knowing the gender of future partner--could be a woman and we'd have the same "issue"), and I've always wanted a child.

There are other options too, if you decide to go that route, like sperm donors and whatnot.  But lots of kids need homes, and our genes are probably not that special that we must pass them on.

 

Anyway, as a mid-30s person, I know your feels about the slow tick of the clock.  Especially when every month there's a new friend on social media posting ultrasound pictures and fresh baby photos.

[Yanaka]

4 minutes ago, E-P said:

There are other options too, if you decide to go that route, like sperm donors and whatnot.  But lots of kids need homes, and our genes are probably not that special that we must pass them on.

 

Anyway, as a mid-30s person, I know your feels about the slow tick of the clock.  Especially when every month there's a new friend on social media posting ultrasound pictures and fresh baby photos.

I know! I'm truly on that "we don't need to add new people" board. But I can't help but long for a pregnancy and all that. I'm such a hormonal bore... Me the radical feminist wanting to be preggo one day. Doesn't mean I wouldn't adopt as well! haha. Anyway everything is hypothetical right now. Did you/are you adopt/ing? Or fostering?

[E-P]

3 minutes ago, Yanaka said:

But I can't help but long for a pregnancy and all that. I'm such a hormonal bore... Me the radical feminist wanting to be preggo one day. Doesn't mean I wouldn't adopt as well! haha. Anyway everything is hypothetical right now. Did you/are you adopt/ing? Or fostering?

I know the feels.  I'm adopted myself, and I'm like, "C'mon, ovaries, simmer down and chill out, this is the best solution."

We're going to start the process once we decide where we're going and get moved there.  We know we're leaving Illinois, and the training is very state-specific, so it doesn't make sense to jump the gun.  From what I understand, if we're okay with an older child (which we are), we can go straight for adoption, versus doing foster care first.  At least in our target states.  So we'll probably see about that first.

[Yanaka]

23 minutes ago, E-P said:

I know the feels.  I'm adopted myself, and I'm like, "C'mon, ovaries, simmer down and chill out, this is the best solution."

We're going to start the process once we decide where we're going and get moved there.  We know we're leaving Illinois, and the training is very state-specific, so it doesn't make sense to jump the gun.  From what I understand, if we're okay with an older child (which we are), we can go straight for adoption, versus doing foster care first.  At least in our target states.  So we'll probably see about that first.

Is it a different process for younger kids?

Fingers crossed for you guys! As someone who was adopted, I'm sure you make a great family for another adopted kid