Terrifying personal situation: rumors in the department

[talkinghead]

Hi, all:

I recently divulged some very serious personal information to my cohort and now I am worried about how it will affect my career.

So, three years ago in college I was falsely accused of rape. I went through a crapload to support the case for my innocence (lie detector tests, thorough interviews with police, etc.), and in the end, the investigation concluded she had a weak story and no evidence, and thus it never went to prosecution. Justice prevailed. Good for me. But unfortunately, even though I was a clear victim in this situation, I emerged from it seeming like a questionable rapist.

The stigma sucks.

And now my cohort knows this part of my past. There are a couple annoying gossips in the department, so I have almost accepted that word will get around soon enough. And knowing the nature of rumors, it will probably turn into "he was accused of rape" rather than "he was a victim of a false accusation."

This is greatly upsetting to consider. How will this affect my social life for the next five years. And further, do you think this would go beyond my department? Does stuff like this ever come up at a conference or at a bar? I know rumors about personal lives abound in academia, but would people have the decency to not say something this extreme? The anxiety and worry has gotten so extreme, to the point where I am considering to leave my program and change careers.

I already had personal conversations with each of the people I told this too, but a couple of them I really don't trust and are the types to really revel in gossip. I fucked up bigtime, and now I want to, if not come out unscathed, at least minimize the damage.

Your thoughts on how to deal with this are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[muffins]

I'm so sorry to hear about this! I think this story shows how our society (especially self-righteous "feminists") is so willing to villainize men to the point that men are dehumanized. i really think men have feelings equally as women do.

i don't know what to tell you except to keep insisting on your innocence and tell them that you'd be in jail, instead of in academia, had you really been guilty?

[R Deckard]

Brush it off man. You're really making it seem like a big deal which will result in other people thinking it's a big deal and then thinking stuff like "what is he hiding?" or "is he really guilty?"

Just brush it off like it's nothing (it IS nothing) and don't worry about it. People won't make such a big deal out of it if you don't.

[1Q84]

I'm so sorry to hear about this! I think this story shows how our society (especially self-righteous "feminists") is so willing to villainize men to the point that men are dehumanized. i really think men have feelings equally as women do.

What is this supposed to mean?

You don't even know the full story yet you're willing to blame this on "feminists"? Disgusting. You're what's wrong with rape culture.

[talkinghead]

Thank you for your input so far, but my aim wasn't to turn this into a politcal thread. Feminism and rape culture are somewhat relevant to consider here (especially since many in my department work with victims of sexual assault and lead fairly politically charged careers, making this whole thing even harder to handle), but for the most part, I am just hoping to get advice about what to do next as a professional. Is my career gonna be damaged? Is the anxiety I am experiencing warranted? As a first year PhD I do not understand the culture of academia enough to make accurate predictions. This is where your input would be most helfpul.

Namely, at conferences do you hear about stories like this? Does something like this follow a person around forever?

As far as dealing with it in my department, I have no way of knowing who already knows, so bringing it up publicly just yet seems way too risky. On one hand I am comfortable opening up to people about the story because I know I am 100% innocent, but at the same time, doubt will be cast on my story and the stigma will certainly follow.

[ohgoodness]

Thank you for your input so far, but my aim wasn't to turn this into a politcal thread. Feminism and rape culture are somewhat relevant to consider here (especially since many in my department work with victims of sexual assault and lead fairly politically charged careers, making this whole thing even harder to handle), but for the most part, I am just hoping to get advice about what to do next as a professional. Is my career gonna be damaged? Is the anxiety I am experiencing warranted? As a first year PhD I do not understand the culture of academia enough to make accurate predictions. This is where your input would be most helfpul.

Namely, at conferences do you hear about stories like this? Does something like this follow a person around forever?

As far as dealing with it in my department, I have no way of knowing who already knows, so bringing it up publicly just yet seems way too risky. On one hand I am comfortable opening up to people about the story because I know I am 100% innocent, but at the same time, doubt will be cast on my story and the stigma will certainly follow.

All I can say is that I've worked in a sociology department, 90+ people, and any time something unrelated to work has been gossiped about it has been shutdown and ignored by senior and lower faculty. There's always gonna be people who gossip behind your back and I get your nightmarish-feel since it is a very heavy topic but I would say that it wont ruin your career.

Mumbling during your thesis defense will, however, so be careful of that one

[muffins]

What is this supposed to mean?

You don't even know the full story yet you're willing to blame this on "feminists"? Disgusting. You're what's wrong with rape culture.

Wow... take a chill pill, dude and read his text. He said: "And knowing the nature of rumors, it will probably turn into 'he was accused of rape' rather than 'he was a victim of a false accusation.' Doesn't this support what I'm saying about society's tendency to villainize men? See, the truth is clearly that "he was a victim of false accusation," but because (along the lines of my conjecture) some people automatically assume men are in the wrong in these matters, the case will be spun to "he was accused of rape omg let's stay away from him." People will more than possibly not be able to view the case objectively, jump to judgments and shun him -- unfortunately. Thus, this shows how we're dehumanizing men by not being able to view cases such as this one objectively but are rather inclined towards our pre-conceived notions of what men are like -- which equals rapists in this case.

[muffins]

and in regards to "feminists," I'm talking about women who will do and say anything to justify their position of victimization in a -- so they want to emphasize -- "patriarchal society". so they jump on the bandwagon when cases like this leak, as they get to suspect a man for being oh-so-evil! they tend to disregard the fact that men 1) have their unique feelings and insecurities and 2) women can make up stories precisely to take advantage of a "victim" position. these "feminists" make me ashamed to be one myself.

[1Q84]

and in regards to "feminists," I'm talking about women who will do and say anything to justify their position of victimization in a -- so they want to emphasize -- "patriarchal society". so they jump on the bandwagon when cases like this leak, as they get to suspect a man for being oh-so-evil! they tend to disregard the fact that men 1) have their unique feelings and insecurities and 2) women can make up stories precisely to take advantage of a "victim" position. these "feminists" make me ashamed to be one myself.

It is a patriarchal society. And there is no "bandwagon". Evidence overwhelmingly proves male dominance in all aspects of society (except homemaking lololololo!!!!)

These "feminists" that make you ashamed to be a feminist (I should probably reverse those quotation marks) are the ones that are fighting for a woman's right not to be harassed without being labeled a "slut" or "asking for it".

Again, you're hearing this gentleman's side of the story yet you're immediately willing to jump in the fray and blame the woman. I'm not making any judgement calls either way: he could be right or she could be right but, clearly, your bias is showing.

ETA: I apologise to the OP. I didn't mean to hijack your thread. My $0.02: people will talk and that's the way of the world, but if you behave as if you believe what happened happened (ie. your version of the story), then it'll become a nonissue. Not much else you can do about it... if you go around protesting and trying to get people not to talk about well... that won't look very good.

Edited November 30, 2012 by 1Q84

[ktel]

There's nothing that you can do but hope that people are rational enough to not listen to gossip. And perhaps take this as a lesson about sharing this story.

I don't understand how this became a men vs women thread. There are men that do rape. There are women that falsely accused. Summary of the story? People can do bad things regardless of gender.

[1Q84]

There's nothing that you can do but hope that people are rational enough to not listen to gossip. And perhaps take this as a lesson about sharing this story.

I don't understand how this became a men vs women thread. There are men that do rape. There are women that falsely accused. Summary of the story? People can do bad things regardless of gender.

Because the first response to the thread was an immediate assumption that this woman is a liar intent on destroying his life and reputation because of her worship of this false goddess called "feminism".

[fuzzylogician]

muffins and 1Q84, please watch your language and your tone. You can get a point across without being rude and without cursing [the cursing has been edited out of the posts, by the way].

Moreover, I'm sure the OP is not interested in your hijacking his thread. This is a serious question and either you have specific suggestions that could be of help - in which case you should speak up and contribute to the discussion - or else the best way you could help the OP is to keep quiet and let others help. Open a new thread if you want to discuss general culture.

[fuzzylogician]

OP, like some others have said, people are going to talk and you can't do anything to prevent it. Best thing you can do is stand firm and believe in your innocence. If you act that way, that's what people will perceive. You can't eliminate all doubt in people's minds, unfortunately, and as a consequence you should not be trying. You should set straight anything incorrect that someone says to your face, and it is probably a good idea to otherwise minimize conversations about this topic; you don't want this to be something salient on people's minds - they should be talking about your research, not your private life.

[Shelley Burian]

Personally, I tend to took with more distrust on someone who is spreading gossip about another person before I judge the person who is the subject of it. Saying bad things about the people that you work with to others is unprofessional behavior and I would hope that if the information passes beyond the people whom you told that you would be sought out for clarification if someone had any doubts.

[Zorah]

Why would you tell anyone this anyway?

[talkinghead]

Zorah, the topic of sexual assault came up at a party (this is normal, as some of my colleagues research in this area). I reacted with a clear and heated bias that I was previously unaware of (for years I have blocked out the trauma of the event, plus, rape does not come up often at parties I usually go to). Taking introspective notice of my bias and then feeling ashamed that I (an open-minded liberal) would respond this way, I thought I owed it to the group to explain my behavior, and in the heat of the moment it came out. I was trying to salvage my reputation, not to sully it further.

[rising_star]

Honestly, I think that your actions have to speak louder than your words. That is, you'll need to prove to your current and future colleagues that you were falsely accused. Because my reaction, at least upon reading your initial post, is that you were accused of something but it didn't go any further because various authority figures decided that the accuser's story was weak and thus had little chance of being successful in court. None of which, by the way, indicates a false accusation, merely one with a lack of physical evidence or other factors that make police and prosecutors hesitant to legally pursue such crimes and perpetuate a cultural problem where women who are raped or sexually assaulted keep silent, rather than coming forward.

[wildviolet]

The best thing is not to draw any more attention to it--let time be your solution.

[Crucial BBQ]

Thank you for your input so far, but my aim wasn't to turn this into a politcal thread. Feminism and rape culture are somewhat relevant to consider here (especially since many in my department work with victims of sexual assault and lead fairly politically charged careers, making this whole thing even harder to handle), but for the most part, I am just hoping to get advice about what to do next as a professional. Is my career gonna be damaged? Is the anxiety I am experiencing warranted? As a first year PhD I do not understand the culture of academia enough to make accurate predictions. This is where your input would be most helfpul.

Namely, at conferences do you hear about stories like this? Does something like this follow a person around forever?

As far as dealing with it in my department, I have no way of knowing who already knows, so bringing it up publicly just yet seems way too risky. On one hand I am comfortable opening up to people about the story because I know I am 100% innocent, but at the same time, doubt will be cast on my story and the stigma will certainly follow.

First off, I will say that only you and her know what really happened, and perhaps, the two of you have two separate perceptions of what happened. I am not accusing you, or her, of any false reports and there is no way for any of us to know for sure, anyways. With that, this is a politically charged topic that some may want to distance themselves from. Since this was a reported event, and you were approached by police, there will be a record of this on file somewhere that can come up during the screening process with future employment. Be prepared to defend your side as professionally as possible. In this case, it can follow you around forever, and the dilemma is over should you divulge this information before the future employer finds out, or should you take your chance and hope they never do?

As for rumors following you around, it depends on too many factors.

[kateausten]

Give it some time before you leave your department. If it's going to create professional issues for you, I would guess that you are going to start noticing a bias against you very soon -- it's unlikely that everyone would be professional for awhile and then do something to screw you over later on. It's not going to blow up a couple of years from now. And if you left to go to a new department or career, and they found out that you left your old program immediately after this information got out (someone from your cohort may know someone from your new department or job), you would look very guilty to them.

It will probably affect your social life, of course, at least your dating life. People will talk. From a woman's perspective, this isn't about feminism or politics or gossip, it's a matter of our physical safety and survival. There are many, many rapists (perhaps most of them, especially with acquaintance rape) who have charges dropped or never formally filed because of a lack of evidence but are guilty, and they tell people they were falsely accused too. If I knew this information, even if I thought you probably weren't guilty, I would still be wary and tell my female friends to as well, because the consequences of being wrong about your innocence could be so great. This isn't fair to falsely accused men, of course, but self-preservation trumps fairness. It's sort of a fact of life that protecting your safety as a woman means treating every man like a potential rapist (such as meeting in a crowded public place, watching your drink, not getting in a car with a guy or being alone with him until you know him fairly well or are ready to sleep with him, even going to the other side of the street when you see a man or men while walking alone at night). Any man that isn't understanding of the necessity of being careful of all of them immediately comes off as suspicious. So, try to avoid acting too defensively towards women that you think are behaving unfairly towards you, and be extra careful about seeming overly forward or sexually aggressive towards women you may want to pursue (not that you would knowingly act aggressively, but guys tend to do it when they are drunk without realizing how it comes across).

An aside unrelated to the OP's problem: Those who blame a wariness of men accused of rape on concepts like feminism or bandwagons should think about it from the perspective of a woman in a society where 1 in 5 women have been sexually assaulted (some multiple times) and the vast majority do not end in convictions, allowing the perpetrators to go around claiming they were falsely accused. Would you truly be more concerned with fairness and the reputations of men who may have been falsely accused than your safety and that of your friends and colleagues?

[crazygirl2012]

If you do notice people treating you differently, I'd advise you to be patient and just keep being as mild-mannered and respectful as possible. You never know what people have been through themselves. Because of my own personal history, I'd honestly be a little wary around a colleague after hearing that news, even though I'd want to treat him fairly. You can't change your past, but you can influence your future. I'm not saying you should have to change your whole personality or act unnatural around your colleagues. Just try to let your conduct speak for itself.

[WalterBenjamin]

I am very sorry you have to deal with this. Here's what I think:

1. You are a brand new PhD student, right? People at conferences gossip about big shots, not about grad students. We are small fish. Don't sweat the conference talk.

2. If I were you, I would try to be in control of the gossip in academia by publishing a paper on the social/cultural bias involved in discourse surrounding rape. I am in cultural studies, so this would be my angle. As somebody in psy I am sure you can come up with an angle specific to the field.

[R Deckard]

I am very sorry you have to deal with this. Here's what I think:

1. You are a brand new PhD student, right? People at conferences gossip about big shots, not about grad students. We are small fish. Don't sweat the conference talk.

2. If I were you, I would try to be in control of the gossip in academia by publishing a paper on the social/cultural bias involved in discourse surrounding rape. I am in cultural studies, so this would be my angle. As somebody in psy I am sure you can come up with an angle specific to the field.

Because he really wants to be further associated with the topic of rape...

[ktel]

2. If I were you, I would try to be in control of the gossip in academia by publishing a paper on the social/cultural bias involved in discourse surrounding rape. I am in cultural studies, so this would be my angle. As somebody in psy I am sure you can come up with an angle specific to the field.

Yikes. This is the last thing that I would do if I were in his situation. This would ensure that the gossip would spread.

[juilletmercredi]

Agreeing with everyone else in that the best thing you can do is drop it act like nothing happened. Agree that at conferences, we don't gossip about grad students. The gossip is about big shots and researchers in the field, unless the grad student did something REALLY egregious and public (yours doesn't account). Academics are people and they will all react differently. Some of them will avoid you and others will act like nothing happened.