Breaking up with programs

[rustledjimmies]

Well now, this may be a bit of a different type of freak-out than some are experiencing, but for me tonight was emotionally troubling. I was fortunate to be accepted into 7 programs, all which I held dear to my heart after they accepted me with open arms. This evening, I was finally forced to reject 6 of their offers, while wishing that I could send clones of myself to attend all of these great universities. My second and third choices were especially difficult to finally click "decline" on the web form, and send a sincere email about my decision to faculty. If it had been a hand-written letter, it would be stained with tears.

 

On the positive side this is essentially one of the most "first-world" problems I've experienced recently. Congrats to all of those with acceptances at a university where they are excited to attend, and GOOD LUCK to those who are still waiting for a wait-list update/acceptance!!!!

 

[rscneurozombie]

You seriously waited this long to reply to your other 6 offers?  Might not want to tout the fact that you hogged 6 offers for weeks or months at the cost of others on the waitlist or hoping to hear from one of those programs before making a decision to attend elsewhere.

 

Take another read over your post and see how conceited it sounds.

[ShortLong]

I know how you feel. Every time I declined an offer I kind of felt like I was breaking up with them. Especially the professors who spent the time and money to talk to me on the phone, fly me out for a visit, and offer me funding. One of the reasons I chose the school I did was because I didn't think I could write an email to that professor telling him I was going elsewhere. That silly little thought clued me in on the fact that I would deeply regret not working for him.

[phalanges]

I spent about a week doing nothing but stressing out about / debating which offer to accept between 2 options. I eventually determined which one I should accept, but I knew it would require me to send a rejection notification to a set of professors I love. It took me 3 days to get the courage to do it. I started by writing a short letter to the profs at the school I was accepting. I started bawling the moment I opened the page to officially accept, and pretty much continued crying until I had finished accepting my school, rejected the other, and emailed everyone involved. It seriously broke my heart. It's a good thing I did all of this at home; it was a tad absurd.

Congratulations on making a decision and for having the courage to deal with so many offers!

[nackteziege]

^ I've been bawling basically since Thursday over this between just the general stress of the decision, in part due to the fact that in the end, I would have to reject a great program.  At least you managed to stay at home; this all started for me while I was sitting in my office at school and people like my prospective major professor were around and trying to make conversation.  So, the bawling, I get it.

 

I've drafted E-mails to 5 people.  Just gotta start hitting send...

[oopalfrootz]

I'm heartbroken to be saying no to my second choice. Because in some ways, it would be better - it's just overall, my first is the stronger choice. Damn, though.

[MikKar]

Good for you that you got accepted to that many programs, but to the point that your letters of rejection would be stained with tears is a bit extreme (and it's greedy on your part to want to send clones of yourself...).

[emeliej]

I totally get it. I even had a professor email and call me this morning to try to get me to still go there even though I declined and said I had accepted another offer.. just makes it so much harder! I already committed! why couldn't you try this hard a little earlier?! the main reason I declined there was financial so when she's now asking me for another 24h to see if they can get funding it's hard! on the other hand, they've known about my situation for over a week and had plenty of time to get back to me regarding funding.. seriously.. I just want to feel a hundred percent sure I made the right choice!

[rscneurozombie]

I don't find the original post to be conceited at all. We are not wrong to sit on offers until the end of April 15th. I sat on several highly exclusive fellowship offers for a while because all of my offers were quite tempting. I know how difficult it is to wait (I am still waiting for two programs to get back to me preferably later today), but there is absolutely nothing wrong with using the time given to us to weigh our options and make the decision that will benefit our careers the most.

 

I understand waiting to make a decision.  It is our future, and that can be scary.  But you can't really be torn equally between SEVEN programs/offers.

 

If all 7 offers were so great that you really can't decide, eliminate one and roll a die.  There must be a few of those that he knew he wouldn't take.  It is great to take time and think, but other people are also waiting down the line.  Hold on to a few offers and let the others go.  Then from the ones you are seriously considering, work towards a decision.

 

If you are waiting to hear from a program, or waiting for a better offer, that is one thing.  But waiting on 7 offers while others still wait to hear that magic phrase is rude.  Announcing that you are hoarding 7 offers to those on this website still waiting is worse.

 

That is how I read it.

[sdt13]

In the end I was torn between three programs, but my situation was a bit odd. I had one offer in hand for the past month, one came through on Friday (immediately after they learned about the first offer), and I was waiting on what I considered my top choice.

 

Unfortunately, yesterday I learned that my top choice was unable to make an offer due to funding, despite the POI wanting to accept me. So, this morning I was charged with the task of turning down my first offer. I REALLY liked the POI, thought her lab was an excellent fit, and felt I could have learned the most in that program. However, the program was geared toward Ed Psych while my main focus is in Social Psych and it came down to what I wanted for a career in the long term. I just received a response from the POI I turned down and I am crushed, as she is still incredibly supportive despite my not attending her program.

 

While this application season was incredibly stressful, coming out of it now I am happy to say that I think that I have successfully begun to develop relationships with future colleagues and collaborators.

 

[rustledjimmies]

You seriously waited this long to reply to your other 6 offers?  Might not want to tout the fact that you hogged 6 offers for weeks or months at the cost of others on the waitlist or hoping to hear from one of those programs before making a decision to attend elsewhere.

 

Take another read over your post and see how conceited it sounds.

 

I apologize, I did not intend for it to come across as such. 

 

I do not, however, feel that I am in the wrong here. Burning bridges (as I have now done) stresses me out. It was in my nature to keep all of my decisions as "possibilities" until I had to let them go, and for that I am sorry. While I am ecstatic that I now have a great school to which I am committed, the fact that now I only have one option stresses me out. If something goes wrong with this school, I don't have a plan B to fall back on -- at this point, it's all or nothing. Hopefully this can shed some light into my madness. 

 

Furthermore, I have put considerable effort into my studies, each application, studying each school's program, and an average of ~$25 + 80 per school (GRE score plus application fee). Please forgive me if i resist the idea that I was simply "hogging 6 offers" as some type of pig

[Sconnie]

I wrote several emails accepting and declining both of my offers over the last couple of days.  I changed my mind back and forth a few times and I'm still not sure I made the right choice but its done and its time to move on to the next phase of this crazy thing called grad school.  Good luck everyone 

[sansao]

I made my choice at the last possible minute. I'm terrified that one of the schools I didn't choose will be calling me and making me sad about my choice. I was really excited about their program, they flew me out to visit and everything. In the end, they weren't able to send me a formal decision before the deadline, and the accountant that I used to be wouldn't let me turn down a definite funded offer for a "probably funded," not yet official offer.

[selecttext]

your offers were dear to you? there are so many obnoxious people in graduate school. a toast to the new cohort.

[ak48]

your offers were dear to you? there are so many obnoxious people in graduate school. a toast to the new cohort.

 

hahaha my thoughts exactly especially wrt the response while crying/tearing up

[nackteziege]

hahaha my thoughts exactly especially wrt the response while crying/tearing up

 

It's not just the act of turning down the schools...it's the stress over whether or not you're making the right choice, whether you're giving up better experiences, the fear of burning bridges in a small field.  I don't know; I was deciding between my current school and a place I went and visited, and when they're only accepting 5 people per year you feel sort of connected to them.

[rustledjimmies]

your offers were dear to you? there are so many obnoxious people in graduate school. a toast to the new cohort.

 

I'm sorry if my use of imagery was not blatantly obvious -- I was simply trying to tell my story in a more eccentric and interesting way.

 

You may well be correct though, since you're "Already Attending", I know I can point to at least one obnoxious person in grad school.

[sansao]

It's not just the act of turning down the schools...it's the stress over whether or not you're making the right choice, whether you're giving up better experiences, the fear of burning bridges in a small field.

^^This.

[ak48]

It's not just the act of turning down the schools...it's the stress over whether or not you're making the right choice, whether you're giving up better experiences, the fear of burning bridges in a small field.  I don't know; I was deciding between my current school and a place I went and visited, and when they're only accepting 5 people per year you feel sort of connected to them.

 

I'm sorry if your program situation is all that different from mine, but I am generally of the feeling that if you've done your proper homework on where to apply, where you eventually attend may not affect your eventual success, compared to your work ethic, networking skills and simply luck.

 

Is choosing an offer difficult? certainly. is it important? of course.

 

But to describe yourself as "emotionally troubled" and possibly writing letters "stained with tears" really comes across as melodramatic and drama queen.

 

Again, as an electrical engineering prospective looking at largish cohorts and a vast, versitile academic field, i see your supposed anguish with some eye-rolling. As for burning bridges, i've been lucky enough that all my potential professors were quite civil and happy for me, not vindictive.

 

I see it as evidence of hubris to think that a professor of a major university would be so desperate/pleased to have you that they'll be out for revenge should you decline. Remember, they've been through this before, both as graduate students and as professors.

[selecttext]

i've never met an electrical engineering student with feelings so in a way this is refreshing but also insane.

[dazedandbemused]

Seriously though. You burn bridges by being a dick, not by saying "hey, I'm going somewhere else." I turned down a school where I'm personally acquainted with a number of faculty, including the DGs, but I can't imagine being teary about it. There will never be a point where you won't have to make a choice that will mean rejecting other options; you're building a career, not ending a relationship.

[ak48]

i've never met an electrical engineering student with feelings so in a way this is refreshing but also insane.

 

what are these "feelings" that you speak of? could i leverage them for success in the future? 

[ak48]

There will never be a point where you won't have to make a choice that will mean rejecting other options; you're building a career, not ending a relationship.

 

Indeed, from the title of this thread OP seems to have conflated the two.

[jmu]

I apologize, I did not intend for it to come across as such. 

 

I do not, however, feel that I am in the wrong here. Burning bridges (as I have now done) stresses me out. It was in my nature to keep all of my decisions as "possibilities" until I had to let them go, and for that I am sorry. While I am ecstatic that I now have a great school to which I am committed, the fact that now I only have one option stresses me out. If something goes wrong with this school, I don't have a plan B to fall back on -- at this point, it's all or nothing. Hopefully this can shed some light into my madness. 

 

Furthermore, I have put considerable effort into my studies, each application, studying each school's program, and an average of ~$25 + 80 per school (GRE score plus application fee). Please forgive me if i resist the idea that I was simply "hogging 6 offers" as some type of pig

 

I accidentally downvoted this post. My apologies.

[nackteziege]

I see it as evidence of hubris to think that a professor of a major university would be so desperate/pleased to have you that they'll be out for revenge should you decline. Remember, they've been through this before, both as graduate students and as professors.

 

It's not declining that may burn bridges, it's waiting until the last day and declining that I felt may have been irritating, since as I said, the cohorts are small (in part because the departments aren't funded well enough to take on very large cohorts).  Further, I had an offer of aid at the school I chose which I did not disclose to the school I declined until after I declined (they asked), so I thought it may have been seen negatively that I did not try to negotiate.

 

And yes, if you really want to go into it, sure, both programs were good fits and I could have succeeded at either, no doubt.  But the whole process has been stressful and emotional because it's finally accepting that I'm a] losing a great advisor who was a fit on both and professional and personal level (someone I've worked with through my master's but is leaving the school) and b] making a life choice (PhD) which might result in breaking up with a long-term partner.  So, I'm glad that for you the application process was simple and rational, but I'd appreciate you not discounting that some of us don't accept change as readily or have conditions that make decisions so straightforward.  I can understand the frustration people have expressed over some users seemingly sitting on too many offers, but to come into the thread to tell people how they allow to feel seems pretty unnecessary.

 

I also didn't say anything about writing letters "stained with tears" or directly say that I was "emotionally troubled".

Edited April 17, 2013 by nackteziege