Finding a husband in graduate school.

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

Anyways, the whole being "comfortable with myself" I'm still working on that.  I do hope that going to grad school and being an actual adult will help me do more than just meet a guy. 

 

Everything else aside, I truly hope that this is true for you, too. It's the only way you can be both a great mom and wife, and self-fulfilled individual. I've known too many amazing mother's and wives go into deep depressions - even try to take their own lives - because they never had the chance to discover who they were and to have their own successes in life. Again, you really should consider reading The Feminine Mystique. Just a first step on your journey of self-discovery.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Agreed. OP, if you're going to take only one piece of advice from the past seven pages of responses, I hope you'll heed this one. 

You didn't like my Craigslist comment? 

[ZeChocMoose]

Your comments just remind me of a friend who use to say similar things when she was around your age.  Unfortunately, she had such low confidence and so desperately wanted a relationship, marriage, and children that she got involved with men who treated her extremely poorly.

 

It took it an extremely long time for her to break the pattern of choosing the wrong men and realizing that she did not deserve to be treated like that.  She's over 30 and not married, but she is a much happier person now because she took the time to work on her self-esteem, develop her independence, and figure out why she was settling for these men who didn't value her or her opinions.

[excusemyfrench]

I'm sure someone else probably already asked this, but I'm curious OP. Do you really want to date/marry someone who's also a student or in the same program as you? Personally, I'd rather not...

[pears]

Just a couple things:

 

1.) I don't think you actually read what I wrote. I think you're stuck in this alternative universe and you refuse to take a look out the window.

 

2.) It's extremely offensive for you to project your view of what constitutes happiness onto others (like saying you don't know why your aunt is happy, and that it's sad to you that her successful career is in itself fulfilling). We all have different paths and goals in our lives. A past boss made a great point (in response to some people teasing a gay friend about not yet having found "the one" in his mid thirties): "Some people just see one path for happiness and fulfillment and feel bad for anyone who hasn't taken their path. But the fact is that not everyone may need or want the same things." He's right, and it's extremely rude and ignorant to do that. 

 

3.) First, you clearly DO have prospects for a relationship, otherwise you wouldn't be open to one. Simple as that. Second, why do you have to meet someone in the next year or two in order to be married by 30? That's silly and rather immature, because chances are you're going to need to find someone with a similar vision for the future as you, and that probably means a short relationship and a short engagement. Who knows, maybe when you're 29 you'll meet someone, fall in love, get engaged and get married within those 365 days. It's possible - and the very fact that you believe otherwise is itself a limitation of the chances for success in potential future relationships. You are choosing only to see one possible way for this all to work out the way you want it to, and short of that you've failed and are going to live a long, miserable life alone. The problem is, that's not at all how reality works. 

 

You really need to start looking to empower yourself. I truly believe that the people best suited for relationships, are the people who are comfortable with themselves outside of a relationship. You ought to consider reading The Feminine Mystique, or at least reading the synopsis on Wikipedia... In some ways, I'm hopeful that graduate school and living in a new city will provide you the opportunity to open your eyes and not see so narrowly.

 

[CageFree]

I did read what you wrote and I get it but I feel like so many people on here and ones who have responded are in relationships and were in them by 23 so you don't understand the desperate need I have to be in one.  I couldn't see myself dating a man who wasn't ready for marriage, I think it depends on how long it would take him to be ready because I couldn't see myself dating for 5 years maybe if I met them at like 18 or 19 that would be fine but I'm almost 23.  

 

False. A lot of people who posted (myself included) were NOT in "a relationship at 23." People have given you PLENTY of great advice on this thread (and the other one that you've been posting in), and you keep finding excuses to disregard it because bottom line is, PEOPLE ARE NOT TELLING YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR.

 

I'm just going to be blunt, because sugarcoating obviously isn't working. You're very, VERY naive. You're naive about grad school, about relationships, about friends, about marriage, about children, and about the job market. You're also incredibly judgmental of anyone who would not make the same decisions as you. The comments you wrote about your aunt, who seems to be living a great life on her own terms, are despicable. You have NO reason to feel sorry for her... she is a grown up who is living the life SHE wants to live. She is accomplished. You are not. She is happy. You are not. She has different priorities, as do many other people. That doesn't make her deserving of pity... in fact, she deserves your admiration and respect, neither of which she appears to have. What a shame.

 

Contrary to what you keep claiming, people CAN and DO find happiness after the age of 30. Also, marrying BEFORE 30 does not guarantee happiness. In fact, marriage doesn't guarantee happiness, period. I thought I married a good guy at 28. I was wrong. I had to get divorced at 33. No kids. By your standards, I should have just jumped off a bridge. Instead, I rebuilt my life. I met someone new, remarried, quit my job and started grad school. IN MY 30s. WITH GRAYING HAIR. I wasn't quite ready to go sit on the rocking hair to which your sexist and ageist standard would have confined me. My parents got divorced just a few years ago. You think my mom is sitting at home knitting baby socks? No. She is living her life, and is HAPPY.

 

You want people on here to tell you that within the next year you will meet a great guy through people in finishing school grad school, you'll plan your wedding, and when you graduate you will settle down to play housewife for the next couple of decades with this great guy who will be paying all your bills, at which point you will be available to work as a way to ease your empty nest syndrome with skills and knowledge that you picked up a generation before. 

 

You've also said you expect that your friends/roommates/classmates will play the role of potential matchmakers and set you up with great guys who are marriage material. Do you even care about these people as anything other than tools to get what you REALLY want? You say you don't even like to talk to people who are married because "all they talk about is their relationships." You don't want advice from people who are married, or in relationships... even though we are the ones who have been successful in getting what you claim to want.

 

You keep talking about how great it's going to be to "be an adult" once you start grad school. Guess what? You have been an adult for almost 5 years, and yet you still think like a teenager. That's not going to change simply because you start a graduate program or move to a new town. Being an adult means, among other things, being responsible for crafting your own happiness, being independent and self-sufficient.  It means not relying on others to make you happy. It means learning to be comfortable with yourself. 

 

I asked you a while back about your priorities and you said it was school. I still see no evidence of that. You want to get married, you want kids, and you want to be with a guy who is wealthy enough to be able to support you while you stay at home. You're not likely to find that in graduate school, I'm afraid. That's simply not what it's for. Guys who are in grad school at the same time as you are going to be starting their careers, and you are very likely to have to work for a while, at least. In fact, the "traditional" marriage you speak of has become very, vary rare... most couples simply cannot afford to have only one working parent.

Edited December 7, 2013 by CageFree

[LittleDarlings]

Ok I don't know how to multi quote so I will just address people by username.

 

ZeChocMoose: I have totally been there with dating awful guys...  I was talking to this guy and he was perfect until I found out about his domestic violence history (well it was once against his sons mom) but he had a slew of assault charges from bar fights and stuff, of course it scared the crap out of me and we kind of stopped talking, he is now got a new gf and they are having a baby after like 5 months together :/ I thought that me going to therapy would help that self esteem process along, and it kind of hasn't and now I am kind of wondering if it will ever happen.  I'm sure it will and I know I have the ability to not worry about guys.. I interned for 3 months away from home and when I had to be on my own my priorities were totally different, I was always busy and had no time to really think about it. I just want to be like that again.  

 

ExcusemyFrench: I am going for social work and I have a feeling there won't be a ton of single, attractive, straight men in that program.  I personally wouldn't mind it but I doubt it'll happen in my department.  I do want to possibly meet someone in other departments, like maybe engineering or someone in medical school or I mean anything honestly.  I think I can go to school and focus on that but that doesn't mean my social life should die.  

 

CageFree: Ok so... My aunt, maybe what I said was a little harsh but like I said she was engaged at different points in her life, obviously she wanted to be married and for whatever reason it didn't happen.  I don't know what someone would do after that? I would die if I was engaged and expecting to be married and then it just ended. I'm not saying that I would go into a marriage that has a lot of problems just to be married but I would certainly work as hard as I could to not have it end. I worked hard to not have my boyfriend of 3 months leave me, if he would have wanted to marry me (later down the road) I would have REALLY tried to salvage the relationship.  I respect her and her decision I mean she seems happy, I don't necessarily admire her because that would mean I would want to be like her and I don't want to be.  I would maybe like to accomplish some of what she has done but I would also rather marriage and babies.

 

I don't think that people can't be happy after 30, I think that if I was 30 I would be HAPPIER married compared to not.  I know 30 is not old in the whole scheme of life as a whole but it isn't young either.  I mean I am 22 now so maybe I think it is much older than it is but I'm 23 and freaking out about being 2 years from 25 because I haven't accomplished what my friends have and what I want which is a relationship that will lead to marriage.  Even my little brother whose 18 has had a girlfriend 2 years that he talks about marrying after graduation (I doubt that'll happen but still) do you know how that feels? My brother has a serious relationship and I can't keep a boyfriend for longer than 3 months.  Thats messed up. 

 

I don't EXPECT to be a stay a home mom and marry rich, I would LOVE more than anything for that to happen but I highly doubt it will. I just want to go to school meet someone marry them and start a family.  I can work while being a wife and mother too, that is fine.  I know social workers don't make a ton of money so I do hope whoever I end up with can provide, I mean I don't want to live in poverty.  As far as my friends of course I like my friends, I distance myself when they get relationships because it is annoying to hear about.  Are you trying to make me feel bad because you have what I don't? Ok well I would hope that you would have that... I don't want to get a bunch of married people telling me stories about how they met their spouse in high school or college is that supposed to make me feel better? No.  I just want everyone in life to be as miserable as me because my life sucks.  Anyways, I don't even ask my current group of friends to hook me up because they do a bad job, but I just figure living in a new place with new friends we are all there to get an education but networking is important so why not network with attractive single men? 

 

I don't feel like an adult, my life doesn't consist of doing adult things, at least going to grad school ensures that I will be living on my own paying my own bills, working (possibly) and just doing what adults do).  Sure I could be doing that now but i want to go to school and do it, I don't want to get a job now, if I really wanted to get a job now I would have put much more effort into finding one.  I mean it is obvious some people found their significant other while in school, I am at least going to try because I don't want to be forever alone.  

 

Perfect scenario: I mentioned that I am going to therapy.  My therapist had somewhat of the ideal situation kind of.. She had her first kid at 17 (not ideal) the dad left (not ideal) she met her husband at a bar at like 19 or 20 (would be ideal if it happened to me but I'm oh I'm 22 and never meet anyone in the bars worth dating), she married him at like 21 (ideal) had a baby at 22 (ideal) then stayed home with her kids (ideal) started and dropped out of school.. undergrad mind you (not ideal), stayed home more with her kids, became their preschool teacher, then she finally went back to school because one parents that she let her kids play with was going back basically and she was bored.  I mean ideally that would be great even though she was an untraditional student with 2 kids and a husband but that is ideal.  That won't happen for me because I am way past that point but hey. 

Edited December 7, 2013 by Pinkster12

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Ok I don't know how to multi quote so I will just address people by username.

 

ZeChocMoose: I have totally been there with dating awful guys...  I was talking to this guy and he was perfect until I found out about his domestic violence history (well it was once against his sons mom) but he had a slew of assault charges from bar fights and stuff, of course it scared the crap out of me and we kind of stopped talking, he is now got a new gf and they are having a baby after like 5 months together :/ I thought that me going to therapy would help that self esteem process along, and it kind of hasn't and now I am kind of wondering if it will ever happen.  I'm sure it will and I know I have the ability to not worry about guys.. I interned for 3 months away from home and when I had to be on my own my priorities were totally different, I was always busy and had no time to really think about it. I just want to be like that again.  

 

ExcusemyFrench: I am going for social work and I have a feeling there won't be a ton of single, attractive, straight men in that program.  I personally wouldn't mind it but I doubt it'll happen in my department.  I do want to possibly meet someone in other departments, like maybe engineering or someone in medical school or I mean anything honestly.  I think I can go to school and focus on that but that doesn't mean my social life should die.  

 

CageFree: Ok so... My aunt, maybe what I said was a little harsh but like I said she was engaged at different points in her life, obviously she wanted to be married and for whatever reason it didn't happen.  I don't know what someone would do after that? I would die if I was engaged and expecting to be married and then it just ended. I'm not saying that I would go into a marriage that has a lot of problems just to be married but I would certainly work as hard as I could to not have it end. I worked hard to not have my boyfriend of 3 months leave me, if he would have wanted to marry me (later down the road) I would have REALLY tried to salvage the relationship.  I respect her and her decision I mean she seems happy, I don't necessarily admire her because that would mean I would want to be like her and I don't want to be.  I would maybe like to accomplish some of what she has done but I would also rather marriage and babies.

 

I don't think that people can't be happy after 30, I think that if I was 30 I would be HAPPIER married compared to not.  I know 30 is not old in the whole scheme of life as a whole but it isn't young either.  I mean I am 22 now so maybe I think it is much older than it is but I'm 23 and freaking out about being 2 years from 25 because I haven't accomplished what my friends have and what I want which is a relationship that will lead to marriage.  Even my little brother whose 18 has had a girlfriend 2 years that he talks about marrying after graduation (I doubt that'll happen but still) do you know how that feels? My brother has a serious relationship and I can't keep a boyfriend for longer than 3 months.  Thats messed up. 

 

I don't EXPECT to be a stay a home mom and marry rich, I would LOVE more than anything for that to happen but I highly doubt it will. I just want to go to school meet someone marry them and start a family.  I can work while being a wife and mother too, that is fine.  I know social workers don't make a ton of money so I do hope whoever I end up with can provide, I mean I don't want to live in poverty.  As far as my friends of course I like my friends, I distance myself when they get relationships because it is annoying to hear about.  Are you trying to make me feel bad because you have what I don't? Ok well I would hope that you would have that... I don't want to get a bunch of married people telling me stories about how they met their spouse in high school or college is that supposed to make me feel better? No.  I just want everyone in life to be as miserable as me because my life sucks.  Anyways, I don't even ask my current group of friends to hook me up because they do a bad job, but I just figure living in a new place with new friends we are all there to get an education but networking is important so why not network with attractive single men? 

 

I don't feel like an adult, my life doesn't consist of doing adult things, at least going to grad school ensures that I will be living on my own paying my own bills, working (possibly) and just doing what adults do).  Sure I could be doing that now but i want to go to school and do it, I don't want to get a job now, if I really wanted to get a job now I would have put much more effort into finding one.  I mean it is obvious some people found their significant other while in school, I am at least going to try because I don't want to be forever alone.  

 

Perfect scenario: I mentioned that I am going to therapy.  My therapist had somewhat of the ideal situation kind of.. She had her first kid at 17 (not ideal) the dad left (not ideal) she met her husband at a bar at like 19 or 20 (would be ideal if it happened to me but I'm oh I'm 22 and never meet anyone in the bars worth dating), she married him at like 21 (ideal) had a baby at 22 (ideal) then stayed home with her kids (ideal) started and dropped out of school.. undergrad mind you (not ideal), stayed home more with her kids, became their preschool teacher, then she finally went back to school because one parents that she let her kids play with was going back basically and she was bored.  I mean ideally that would be great even though she was an untraditional student with 2 kids and a husband but that is ideal.  That won't happen for me because I am way past that point but hey. 

So your ideal life is to get knocked up and dumped in high school, then get knocked up and not dumped (yet) a year after high school, then go to college, then drop out, then get knocked up and stay at home until you get bored, then go back to school, then get a degree, then get a job, then give people advice on how to make good decisions? 

[LittleDarlings]

Lol ok it might sound bad but I didn't get pregnant in high school, so I passed that point. I went to college and graduated, yay, and she's been married like almost 20 years she's like in her late 30s I think so I mean while divorce is a possibility I doubt it would happen. At least after all that she got the husband, the babies and the career. That's the idea I guess. She managed all that before 35

She is a really great therapist I mean she has a ton of life experience. She has said a lot of what you all have said

Edited December 7, 2013 by Pinkster12

[CageFree]

Lol ok it might sound bad but I didn't get pregnant in high school, so I passed that point. I went to college and graduated, yay, and she's been married like almost 20 years she's like in her late 30s I think so I mean while divorce is a possibility I doubt it would happen. At least after all that she got the husband, the babies and the career. That's the idea I guess. She managed all that before 35

She is a really great therapist I mean she has a ton of life experience. She has said a lot of what you all have said

 

And yet you don't want to listen to her or to us. You just stick your finger in your ear, close your eyes and keep ranting about how everyone else has what you don't and that makes you miserable. 

 

You need to let go of the measuring sticks. Stop comparing your life to other people's. Live your OWN life. NO ONE's life is "ideal."

 

There's nothing more unattractive to a GOOD guy than eau de desperation, which incidentally is a magnet for a-holes. As long as you're obsessed with "finding a man," guess which kind you're gonna attract?

[LinguisticMystic]

Comparing hypothetical scenarios based on how happy I think they should/would make me is exactly the last thing I would do to be happy. Wait no, using my hypothetical ideal life as a basis for judging other people's lives is the very last thing.

[LittleDarlings]

And yet you don't want to listen to her or to us. You just stick your finger in your ear, close your eyes and keep ranting about how everyone else has what you don't and that makes you miserable. 

 

You need to let go of the measuring sticks. Stop comparing your life to other people's. Live your OWN life. NO ONE's life is "ideal."

 

There's nothing more unattractive to a GOOD guy than eau de desperation, which incidentally is a magnet for a-holes. As long as you're obsessed with "finding a man," guess which kind you're gonna attract?

I have made some improvements (I know it totally doesn't seem like it).  There are some many factors that add to my need to not be alone, when I get a guy I mean I hang on desperately because them leaving is the worst thing that could happen. When I was with my ex and he suggested a break I literally freaked out I mean crying and panicking.  After we did end I had an actual panic attack, I just can't handle rejection from guys (I can handle rejection from schools and everyone else).  The measuring stick thing, I agree and my life would be much much better if I could just care about what other people are doing but it isn't that easy.  It is hard to not be bitter or jealous or whatever. 

[CageFree]

I have made some improvements (I know it totally doesn't seem like it).  There are some many factors that add to my need to not be alone, when I get a guy I mean I hang on desperately because them leaving is the worst thing that could happen. When I was with my ex and he suggested a break I literally freaked out I mean crying and panicking.  After we did end I had an actual panic attack, I just can't handle rejection from guys (I can handle rejection from schools and everyone else).  The measuring stick thing, I agree and my life would be much much better if I could just care about what other people are doing but it isn't that easy.  It is hard to not be bitter or jealous or whatever. 

 

No, it's not easy. But if you devoted your energy to developing YOURSELF instead of caring what other people are doing or how they are living, it would definitely help. 

 

If your therapist isn't helping you see this,you need to change therapists. Some are really quite terrible. You should not be discussing relationships with her. You should be discussing your own self-improvement. You have to work on your self-esteem, and no guy can help you improve it because it comes from within.

 

And just so you know, a guy leaving is NOT the worst thing that could happen. In fact, a shitty guy leaving is the BEST thing that can happen. I always say that my divorce was one of the best things that ever happened to me... my first marriage was killing me.

[mandarin.orange]

 I just want everyone in life to be as miserable as me because my life sucks.

 

WOW.

 

...and you're going into social work...?

[LittleDarlings]

WOW.

...and you're going into social work...?

I'm hoping by the end of my 2 year program my life won't suck as much. Also I'm still working on myself I still am in therapy and I hope by the end of that which will be around the time I go to school things will be much better for me. Edited December 7, 2013 by Pinkster12

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

I'm hoping by the end of my 2 year program my life won't suck as much. Also I'm still working on myself I still am in therapy and I hope by the end of that which will be around the time I go to school things will be much better for me.

 

But I think if you've really got so much internal doubt, anxiety, etc. it won't go away by September, it's probably something you're going to deal with your whole life (there's nothing wrong with that). That you say "I'm hoping...my life won't suck as much" is nothing more than a reflection of this insecurity. I mean, what actually sucks about your life? You don't have to post it online, but think long and hard about it. Do you have a supportive or at least loving family? Do you have hobbies you enjoy? Do you have friends? Or are you really narrowing your happiness down only to a romantic relationship (which, by your own account, is itself a cause of extreme anxiety because any indication a guy may leave you leads you to panic attacks)? Life is multi-faceted and amazing, and you're going to miss out on it if you don't open yourself to it!

[silver_lining]

I was too lazy to read all 8 pages of this. I cannot believe 8 pages on this exists...

I feel like a loser because all I think about is grad admissions, things I want to research, job prospects, research, research, research, etc. If a relationship happens it happens, I am not going to go hunting for a partner. I personally think you are more likely to find a husband if you chill out and relax. Stressing out/being anxious about this is not going to help you one bit (yet I don't follow my own advice when it comes to grad admissions...). Of course, I am perfectly content with becoming a crazy professor/dog lady, so take my opinion with a grain of salt. 

There is nothing wrong about wanting a husband, but I think you would do yourself and your future partner a favor by relaxing. You are not going to attract anyone by being desperate. By stressing about the future, you are missing out on the present. That is a terrible thing to do. 

Worse comes to worse, try online dating. 

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

I was too lazy to read all 8 pages of this. I cannot believe 8 pages on this exists...

I feel like a loser because all I think about is grad admissions, things I want to research, job prospects, research, research, research, etc. If a relationship happens it happens, I am not going to go hunting for a partner. I personally think you are more likely to find a husband if you chill out and relax. Stressing out/being anxious about this is not going to help you one bit (yet I don't follow my own advice when it comes to grad admissions...). Of course, I am perfectly content with becoming a crazy professor/dog lady, so take my opinion with a grain of salt. 

There is nothing wrong about wanting a husband, but I think you would do yourself and your future partner a favor by relaxing. You are not going to attract anyone by being desperate. By stressing about the future, you are missing out on the present. That is a terrible thing to do. 

Worse comes to worse, try online dating. 

Yep. 

 

I'll give you a guy's perspective for a change. When a guy sees a desperate girl, he sees someone who will put up with anything. You want to know why you only date assholes? Because you're desperate.

 

Relationships are about making sacrifices for each other. Any respectable girl will have things she will and won't tolerate. A guy is willing to do these things for the girl he loves. I don't mean completely changing who he is. (That's a controlling relationship where the girl only loves herself.)  I mean making small changes. But lots of them.  It might not be easy. It might take time. But he'll do it. That might mean cleaning up after himself, that might mean putting on a clean shirt now and again, that might mean not cursing at the dinner table.

 

Now, I used the word respectable. A respectable guy is willing to make changes for the girl he loves. An asshole isn't. That's why assholes go for desperate girls. You can sense it. It's really not hard. This entire board can tell you're desperate. An asshole knows a desperate girl will put up with anything. He can leave the house trashed, he can wear the same clothes for a week, he can rifle off 4-letter words at the dinner table--hell, he can fuck your best friend--and you're not gonna do a thing. Because you're desperate. Because you need him. Because you'll have a panic attack if he even mentions breakup. 

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

He can leave the house trashed, he can wear the same clothes for a week, he can rifle off 4-letter words at the dinner table--hell, he can fuck your best friend--and you're not gonna do a thing. Because you're desperate. Because you need him. Because you'll have a panic attack if he even mentions breakup. 

 

Maybe my gf's lack of desperation is why I wear suits to do things like grab a coffee or walk through the park?

[nugget]

You have mentioned that the situation described below would be the perfect scenario. Perhaps it would be perfect for yourself. But have to you stopped to consider what this instability might mean for the growth, development and wellbeing of the young children? How might it put them at a disadvantage in life? ex: limited access to healthcare, poor nutrition, limited contact with parents (because of working multiple jobs to pay the bills), etc.

 

I am not suggesting that anyone who has children young in life is an incapable or irresponsible parent, by any means, nor that such children are destined for  hardship and poverty. But I think it's important to think about the extent to which it would be important to have children under any circumstance - even if it benefits you and not the children themselves.

 

I get the impression that the life you want to have is based on superficial images and impressions you have of other people's lives (perhaps from movies, tv, or what you have seen with friends) rather than through actual life experience. While your life experience might be limited, it's great that you want to move to a new city. By meeting new people and leaving your home town, you will gain more life experience, personal growth and independence.

 

The curriculum in the MSW program will challenge you to consider values, beliefs and perspectives that are different from your own. To be an effective social worker, you need to understand the midset of your clients and help them make decisions that are compatible with their values, priorities and goals, which can be quite different from your own. If you are judgemental or dislike their choices, clients will sense that and it will be difficult to develop a trusting relationship, which is essential for therapy to be effective. ex: working with career-oriented women who do not want children, homosexual clients, etc.

 

Relocating, having a roommate for the first time, and making new friends is likely to lead to personal growth over time. You will quickly discover that things rarely work out exactly as planned, especially where romance is concerned. It may be a lot to take in for the first time when you hear firsthand accounts of your clients' struggling with problems related to marriage, divorce, children, poverty, illness, suicide, death, etc. But it should be quite eye opening at the same time and can greatly impact the way that you view the world over time. For instance, for a cancer patient or a patient with schizophrenia, acquiring stable health would likely be more important than finding a husband. 

 

I think that over time, through many internships, lots of supervision and discussions in class, you will slowly gain in a better understanding of yourself, how others think, and the way that relationships work. Through your internships, you will also learn about some of the challenges/realities involved with marriage and parenthood which will eventually prepare you for serious dating, marriage and parenting.

  

Perfect scenario: I mentioned that I am going to therapy.  My therapist had somewhat of the ideal situation kind of.. She had her first kid at 17 (not ideal) the dad left (not ideal) she met her husband at a bar at like 19 or 20 (would be ideal if it happened to me but I'm oh I'm 22 and never meet anyone in the bars worth dating), she married him at like 21 (ideal) had a baby at 22 (ideal) then stayed home with her kids (ideal) started and dropped out of school.. undergrad mind you (not ideal), stayed home more with her kids, became their preschool teacher, then she finally went back to school because one parents that she let her kids play with was going back basically and she was bored.  I mean ideally that would be great even though she was an untraditional student with 2 kids and a husband but that is ideal.

Edited December 8, 2013 by jenste

[Loric]

I think there is a gross misunderstanding of just how small your view and understanding of the world really is...

 

It's like a watching an ant encounter a puddle and then declare it the ocean, taking great pains to tell us all which parts are the Indian, Atlantic, and Pacific within that puddle.

 

Long story short: You know nothing and this is absurd. While I wont go as far as saying that grad school will be best for you, getting out of where you are and people think like that.. and worse it's condoned.. will be the best thing you can do for yourself.

[nhyn]

Wow, there are 8 pages on this...(and yes I am going to add to this lengthy and going-no-where discussion because obviously, OP and everyone else have vastly different views on...well, everything. But, some really good discussions about grad school and life came out of it!)

- Just want to agree with everyone here that in grad school (and I've been at 3 schools, working/being a student, with each school having a very different culture from the others) is either single or is in a serious relationship that has started before grad school. Most people who are serious about grad school have found themselves unable to make time for dating (work and actual social life with friends take up the entire life), and even those who make an effort to date have found it difficult because their social circles, esp. if they're in a new city, consist mostly of grad school friends, and everyone knows it's a bad idea to date co-workers/fellow grad students. 

- I do know a girl who has been on many dates from online dating websites. She's a few years older than you. She wants to have a lot of kids so it makes sense, I guess, to hurry and speed up the process before it becomes too late to have a lot of kids. But i can tell you that she is not happy  - she puts too much emphasis on finding the right guy that she gets really depressed sometimes, despite all the great things going on in her life (great research, great lab, great city, etc.). If you go to grad school and your focus is elsewhere, I can tell you now that you won't be entirely happy. If you want to date - like many posters here have said - you can do that anywhere. Better to do it at a place less stressful than grad school, to be honest. 

Bottom line is, I understand where you came from. People want different things. You want a husband, and kids. Some of us don't. And we shouldn't be convincing you to want otherwise. It's great that you think by going to grad school you're going to kill two birds with one stone: get a degree, and find a husband. I think what people have been trying to tell you is, your goal is all good and all, but it's also unrealistic. Go to school because you want to, and hopefully you'll get a partner while you're there, but maybe it's unhealthy to stress out over whether you will or will not find a partner while at school. 

 

P.S.: to those who are trying to convince OP that there is much more outside of romantic relationships: I think it's futile. After doing the same for certain friends, I've come to accept that people want what they want, and there's no way you can convince them to think differently. The best we could do is maybe to help them not make terrible mistakes in the process of getting them what they want.

Edited December 8, 2013 by nhyn

[CageFree]

I get the impression that the life you want to have is based on superficial images and impressions you have of other people's lives (perhaps from movies, tv, or what you have seen with friends) rather than through actual life experience. 

 

Bingo!

 

It's like that scene in Sleepless in Seattle, when Annie (Meg Ryan) is watching An Affair to Remember with her best friend (Rosie O'Donnell) and she keeps talking about how "that's when people knew how to be in love!" Her friend's response: "You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie." Romantic comedies have taught women that life and happiness revolve around finding a man. You can be independent, successful, etc., but without that man, when you go home your success is hollow, and you secretly sit in front of the TV watching old movies and downing pints of Ben & Jerry's (but not gaining a pound, of course).

 

Truth is, being single in your 20s is pretty close to ideal, especially if you plan on having a family at some point. That's the best time to travel, read, go to concerts, pick up hobbies, get an education, and start building a plan for retirement. The girl who has her crap together is the one who attracts quality men... in large part because she doesn't NEED one.

[i.am.me]

Well, now some of the single guys at gradcafe know Pinkster12 is single and looking...like really seriously interested - maybe one of them will hit you up and it could be a gradcafe love connection    

Perhaps, I need a better profile picture lol 

[DropTheBase]

Perhaps, I need a better profile picture lol 

 

We're waiting...