Relationships in Academia

[astroyogi]

Most often referred to as the "two body problem," I've seen lots of people talking about how relationships live and die (mostly, die) among academics traveling around and chasing their careers. It's on my mind a lot at the moment because I'm about to start an x-year long long-distance stint with my boyfriend of over a year... I'll be a PhD student, he'll be (hopefully) a postdoc, and we're both in the same field. It feels a little like jumping into the abyss. 

 

I'd really like to see the gradcafe's take on this and read any stories you'd like to share (successes or heartbreaks). 

 

 

[DigDeep(inactive)]

As long as honesty, trust, and communication are priorities than you will be fine. Although long distance relationships are tough, academic long distance relationships have the highest success rate. This is because both individuals are driven and understand the hardships of academia (lots of travel, school as first priority, hard [bleeping] work).

 

My relationship has actually flourished rather than declined. The success of that is probably due to the fact that we both communicate often and try to visit at least once every 2/3 months. We act as support systems for each, and we truly understand each other's research; this means that we have fostered a deep spiritual connection based on our love for knowledge. In that regard, we bring out the best in each other and thoroughly enjoy sharing the successes because of it. I only speak of my long distance relationship in academia because I can't assume to know anything other than my own experiences. I think the key is that spiritual connection, but the visits 2/3 months (hopefully every month if you're lucky, but most of us aren't) are to keep the physical spark complimenting and facilitating the spiritual aspect, because that's important, too. 

 

Regardless, I think that you will have no problem as long as you make sure to keep it a priority, probably the second priority after school. Also, that you both agree to this and talk about it. That means a mature relationship with complete trust, honesty, and open communication about what you both expect to gain and contribute to the relationship. That's what a relationship demands (respect, honesty, trust, communication), and without those, you probably shouldn't be in the relationship in the first place. Good luck! <3

Edited February 18, 2014 by DigDeep

[astroyogi]

As long as honesty, trust, and communication are priorities than you will be fine. Although long distance relationships are tough, academic long distance relationships have the highest success rate. This is because both individuals are driven and understand the hardships of academia (lots of travel, school as first priority, hard [bleeping] work).

 

My relationship has actually flourished rather than declined. The success of that is probably due to the fact that we both communicate often and try to visit at least once every 2/3 months. We act as support systems for each, and we truly understand each other's research; this means that we have fostered a deep spiritual connection based on our love for knowledge. In that regard, we bring out the best in each other and thoroughly enjoy sharing the successes because of it. I only speak of my long distance relationship in academia because I can't assume to know anything other than my own experiences.

 

Regardless, I think that you will have no problem as long as you make sure to keep it a priority, probably the second priority after school. Also, that you both agree to this and talk about it. That means a mature relationship with complete trust, honesty, and open communication about what you both expect to gain and contribute to the relationship. That's what a relationship demands (respect, honesty, trust, communication), and without those, you probably shouldn't be in the relationship in the first place. Good luck! <3

 

Thank you so much for your beautiful response I completely agree with everything you've said about priorities, communication and support systems. Having been in (admittedly less serious) long distance relationships when I was younger, the main thing I'm worried about now is that seemingly inevitable gap between realities that opens up when you're long distance; the simple glue of shared experiences that holds couples together (riding the bus, making breakfast, going out with mutual friends...the daily things) dissolving. But hopefully like you said, seeing each other often and sharing your worlds in person as frequently as possible is probably the best remedy for that. 

Edited February 18, 2014 by astroyogi

[astroyogi]

Thank you so much for your beautiful response I completely agree with everything you've said about priorities, communication and support systems. Having been in (admittedly less serious) long distance relationships when I was younger, the main thing I'm worried about now is that seemingly inevitable gap between realities that opens up when you're long distance; the simple glue of shared experiences that holds couples together (riding the bus, making breakfast, going out with mutual friends...the daily things) dissolving. But hopefully like you said, seeing each other often and sharing your worlds in person as frequently as possible is probably the best remedy for that. 

 

Ah I also should mention, we're living together now for the last semester of my undergrad, and it's going to be a drastic contrast between blissful cohabitation and nightly skype! 

Edited February 18, 2014 by astroyogi

[DigDeep(inactive)]

the simple glue of shared experiences that holds couples together (riding the bus, making breakfast, going out with mutual friends...the daily things) dissolving.

 

This is something that I definitely struggle with. It's always a little disheartening to know that you're missing out on so much. Especially things like dinner parties and such where your lack of presence is quite apparent, to your partner and everyone else. But, yes, I think communication is key here. But, breakfast was always my favorite - I totally understand! There's something amazing about the morning. It's just you, your partner, and some coffee or tea and it feels like the whole world is still asleep. 

[LittleDarlings]

Doing a long distance relationship in school would suck... Just saying.

I'm sure if you really try you could make it work though. Goodluck

 

... Umm so many many down votes for honest.  How familiar. Since I am being fully honest. Long distance relationships hardly last which is why I said it would suck.  Because it would. 

Edited February 19, 2014 by CorruptedInnocence

[pears]

DigDeep just about said it all — maybe it's an archaeo thing?

 

Personally, I've always had horrible outcomes with long distance relationships.. until my present one. Previously, issues were mostly borne out of my own naïve optimism, poor to nonexistent communication, and a lack of openness and honesty that made trust virtually impossible. What has made my present relationship much, much healthier, regardless of distance, is the fact that we have always been extremely open with each other about everything. Seriously, not even bodily functions get held back when we have meals at home. Not much goes unmentioned between us.   But, for me, trust is a tricky thing; it does or doesn't exist from the start, and it's a finicky thing. I've never felt judged, nor remorseful for having shared something with my S.O. He's a levelheaded guy, and although I vent at him sometimes, I always want to hear what he has to say: if I'm being ridiculous, he'll say so, without coming off as flippant. In short, whether near or far, the keys to success are indeed "respect, honesty, trust, [and] communication" as DigDeep said.

 

Basically, communication. Communication. More communication. ALL of the communication! Skyping and calling or texting regularly is helpful, of course, but don't be afraid to talk out the good, the bad, and the ugly about being far apart while you're still cohabitating. Sitting down and planning when you'll see each other in person, and for how long each time, is extremely important; otherwise, things will likely feel even more uncertain. A very real perk of taking the time to plan visits is that it's a good exercise in discussing budgets, scheduling, and traveling together in a productive and fair manner, if any/all of those are unfamiliar territory. When you're apart, surrounding yourself with friends — regardless of whether some, all, or non are also in LDRs — is really important; it's easy to slip into the abyss of "holy ****, I really miss them a lot," and making a point of hanging out with other people at least once a week outside of school, be it for drinks or the gym or something else entirely, lightens the blues.

 

Wishing you all kinds of luck and happiness. Hopefully it all goes smoothly I'll be in the same boat for a while, too, so feel free to PM me if you ever want to vent!

[HockeyNerd]

Me and my SO have been doing long-distance for a almost a year and a half. The first six months we were not even in the same country and the last 10 we have been in different cities. When I first got on the plane to leave I cried a lot and immediately regretted my decision to put academics above our relationship. Very quickly I realized that with strong communication and commitment the distance only strengthened our relationship. We have grown so much as a couple and have only become stronger in our support for one another. Our time spent together is even more special and it has solidified our love for each other in more ways than just physical. While choosing to do long distance is difficult I think it can be a means to learn and grown. My biggest advice is to always have a plan of when you will see each other next. Even if it is three months away having a set date or week really keeps your spirits up. I agree with all the other posters as well COMMUNICATION is key, it may seem silly but even texting about what you had for dinner or what book you are reading before bed helps you stay connected. Last, I also think that it depends on the relationship - I had another long distance relationship that crumbled pretty much the first month apart. Without a strong foundation it is hard to move forward with the next step.

[fuzzylogician]

People have really already said it all. I have very little to add, and I agree with everything that was said above. The one thing I'd add is that it really helps (me) to make as many of the details of your life both together and apart concrete as possible. This includes having concrete plans for things such as when we'd meet and how long the LDR arrangement is going to last for. At some point you may want to have a conversation about potential compromises and (perhaps down the line) what happens if you can't reach an arrangement that you can both live with where you're also physically together. For me, personally, it's important to keep the bigger picture in mind and it helps to have some timeline for when/how the LD portion of it will end. I also found i's important to know lots of details about each other's lives - visit after they have settled in to see what their apartment looks like, meet any roommates, know what the commute is like, see their office, meet other important people in their life (colleagues, professors, friends, students, whatnot), see the coffee shop where they hang out, the supermarket they go to, etc, so that they can tell you about the everyday details of their life. It's a very different situation when they can say "I went out with Joe to Coffee Shop" compared to "I went out with a guy from work to a coffee shop near campus." It's all more personal and you can be more directly involved in their lives. It's not quite the same as talking about your day while having dinner together, but it's better than nothing. 

[astroyogi]

This is something that I definitely struggle with. It's always a little disheartening to know that you're missing out on so much. Especially things like dinner parties and such where your lack of presence is quite apparent, to your partner and everyone else. But, yes, I think communication is key here. But, breakfast was always my favorite - I totally understand! There's something amazing about the morning. It's just you, your partner, and some coffee or tea and it feels like the whole world is still asleep. 

 

You basically just summed up all of my thoughts. I hope you get more breakfasts soon. I'm trying to appreciate the little things while I have them now, and I think fuzzylogician has a good point about really involving the SO in the minutia of daily life, I will definitely try to do that. 

 

People have really already said it all. I have very little to add, and I agree with everything that was said above. The one thing I'd add is that it really helps (me) to make as many of the details of your life both together and apart concrete as possible. This includes having concrete plans for things such as when we'd meet and how long the LDR arrangement is going to last for. At some point you may want to have a conversation about potential compromises and (perhaps down the line) what happens if you can't reach an arrangement that you can both live with where you're also physically together. For me, personally, it's important to keep the bigger picture in mind and it helps to have some timeline for when/how the LD portion of it will end. I also found i's important to know lots of details about each other's lives - visit after they have settled in to see what their apartment looks like, meet any roommates, know what the commute is like, see their office, meet other important people in their life (colleagues, professors, friends, students, whatnot), see the coffee shop where they hang out, the supermarket they go to, etc, so that they can tell you about the everyday details of their life. It's a very different situation when they can say "I went out with Joe to Coffee Shop" compared to "I went out with a guy from work to a coffee shop near campus." It's all more personal and you can be more directly involved in their lives. It's not quite the same as talking about your day while having dinner together, but it's better than nothing. 

 

I definitely agree about the concrete plans -- I think the largest part of my anxiety is how completely clueless I am about where I will be in a year from now altogether. As a type A control lover I hate not knowing where I'm going to be living, what school I'll be going to, where he'll get in in, or even where he will apply... everything is up in the air right now. So there's a possibility we'll be long distance for 1 year, 3-4 years, or up to 6 years... I will really be feeling better about things once I get an idea in my head about how things are going to be. If there's one thing I've learned, though, it's that if you can picture something clearly in your head as a future possibility, odds are it won't end up that way. So many surprises lie ahead! 

[astroyogi]

DigDeep just about said it all — maybe it's an archaeo thing?

 

Personally, I've always had horrible outcomes with long distance relationships.. until my present one. Previously, issues were mostly borne out of my own naïve optimism, poor to nonexistent communication, and a lack of openness and honesty that made trust virtually impossible. What has made my present relationship much, much healthier, regardless of distance, is the fact that we have always been extremely open with each other about everything. Seriously, not even bodily functions get held back when we have meals at home. Not much goes unmentioned between us.   But, for me, trust is a tricky thing; it does or doesn't exist from the start, and it's a finicky thing. I've never felt judged, nor remorseful for having shared something with my S.O. He's a levelheaded guy, and although I vent at him sometimes, I always want to hear what he has to say: if I'm being ridiculous, he'll say so, without coming off as flippant. In short, whether near or far, the keys to success are indeed "respect, honesty, trust, [and] communication" as DigDeep said.

 

Basically, communication. Communication. More communication. ALL of the communication! Skyping and calling or texting regularly is helpful, of course, but don't be afraid to talk out the good, the bad, and the ugly about being far apart while you're still cohabitating. Sitting down and planning when you'll see each other in person, and for how long each time, is extremely important; otherwise, things will likely feel even more uncertain. A very real perk of taking the time to plan visits is that it's a good exercise in discussing budgets, scheduling, and traveling together in a productive and fair manner, if any/all of those are unfamiliar territory. When you're apart, surrounding yourself with friends — regardless of whether some, all, or non are also in LDRs — is really important; it's easy to slip into the abyss of "holy ****, I really miss them a lot," and making a point of hanging out with other people at least once a week outside of school, be it for drinks or the gym or something else entirely, lightens the blues.

 

Wishing you all kinds of luck and happiness. Hopefully it all goes smoothly I'll be in the same boat for a while, too, so feel free to PM me if you ever want to vent!

 

 

I'm so glad you're in a good place with your current SO I completely agree about communication -- my guy, luckily for me, had previously been in a long distance (across the atlantic) relationship for 3 years so he's very knowledgeable on what works for him (~1 hr skype time/day and lots of texts) and that helps me out a lot too. I've got a good one here -- going to try to hold on to him  

 

Thanks so much for your well wishes, and right back at you! I'd definitely be up for PM rants so please don't hesitate to reach out either

[fuzzylogician]

I definitely agree about the concrete plans -- I think the largest part of my anxiety is how completely clueless I am about where I will be in a year from now altogether. As a type A control lover I hate not knowing where I'm going to be living, what school I'll be going to, where he'll get in in, or even where he will apply... everything is up in the air right now. So there's a possibility we'll be long distance for 1 year, 3-4 years, or up to 6 years... I will really be feeling better about things once I get an idea in my head about how things are going to be. If there's one thing I've learned, though, it's that if you can picture something clearly in your head as a future possibility, odds are it won't end up that way. So many surprises lie ahead! 

 

I can sympathize. My SO and I are both graduating this year and applying for jobs, but at the moment neither one of us has a concrete idea where we'll be next year. We do know that unless some miracle happens, we'll have to be apart for some time. But we don't know where we'll be and for how long; our first jobs are likely to be temporary and there is a distinct possibility that we'll be in different countries with a significant time difference for anywhere from 1 to 3 years. There is nothing I hate more than the silence and wait that this entire year has been about, and the fact that it may be a few more months before we can make any kind of plan. (Oh, and while you wait and worry about the rest of your life, there is also the dissertation to write!). 

[astroyogi]

Me and my SO have been doing long-distance for a almost a year and a half. The first six months we were not even in the same country and the last 10 we have been in different cities. When I first got on the plane to leave I cried a lot and immediately regretted my decision to put academics above our relationship. Very quickly I realized that with strong communication and commitment the distance only strengthened our relationship. We have grown so much as a couple and have only become stronger in our support for one another. Our time spent together is even more special and it has solidified our love for each other in more ways than just physical. While choosing to do long distance is difficult I think it can be a means to learn and grown. My biggest advice is to always have a plan of when you will see each other next. Even if it is three months away having a set date or week really keeps your spirits up. I agree with all the other posters as well COMMUNICATION is key, it may seem silly but even texting about what you had for dinner or what book you are reading before bed helps you stay connected. Last, I also think that it depends on the relationship - I had another long distance relationship that crumbled pretty much the first month apart. Without a strong foundation it is hard to move forward with the next step.

 

This reminded me of the Dickinson quote, with my rewording, 'parting is all we need know of hell.' I'm really glad your relationship is working out! Great point about the foundation. I don't think I'd be as eager to start the journey of grad school attached across the US if I was less confident about our future prospects. Good luck to you do you know when the long distance will end?

[astroyogi]

I can sympathize. My SO and I are both graduating this year and applying for jobs, but at the moment neither one of us has a concrete idea where we'll be next year. We do know that unless some miracle happens, we'll have to be apart for some time. But we don't know where we'll be and for how long; our first jobs are likely to be temporary and there is a distinct possibility that we'll be in different countries with a significant time difference for anywhere from 1 to 3 years. There is nothing I hate more than the silence and wait that this entire year has been about, and the fact that it may be a few more months before we can make any kind of plan. (Oh, and while you wait and worry about the rest of your life, there is also the dissertation to write!). 

 

Yes! Ugh, and a dissertation too... thankfully in place of that there's senioritis for me (or is that a curse? I have few real distractions from the thinking, thinking, thinking...). I'm sorry you're in the lurch too.  

 

Also, time differences are so hard! My SO is from Europe so when he's home for some weeks, my entire evening seems lonely. I hope you get an ideal placement, and soon. Has it ever crossed your mind that one of you compromise your career for the relationship? I can't picture settling down and starting a family while the two of us are running around the world, and often wonder if one of us will get the short end of the career stick. I try to trust that if we make that choice, it'll be the right one at that time and will feel like less of a sacrifice. 

[fuzzylogician]

On 2/18/2014 at 8:23 PM, astroyogi said:

Also, time differences are so hard! My SO is from Europe so when he's home for some weeks, my entire evening seems lonely. I hope you get an ideal placement, and soon. Has it ever crossed your mind that one of you compromise your career for the relationship? I can't picture settling down and starting a family while the two of us are running around the world, and often wonder if one of us will get the short end of the career stick. I try to trust that if we make that choice, it'll be the right one at that time and will feel like less of a sacrifice. 

 

Thank you

We've talked about compromes but at the moment the plan is to just let this year play out and go on to the next stage in our careers. You can't make these plans with some many unknowns in the air. We just have to wait it out. There is always the possibility that one of us will draw the shorter stick in some sense, but there is just no way to know what that entails and so no way to talk about it concretely. I think it's better to just acknowledge that and not try to make lots of 'what-if' plans. Things never work out like you imagine anyway. 

[skylarking]

People have really already said it all. I have very little to add, and I agree with everything that was said above. The one thing I'd add is that it really helps (me) to make as many of the details of your life both together and apart concrete as possible. This includes having concrete plans for things such as when we'd meet and how long the LDR arrangement is going to last for. At some point you may want to have a conversation about potential compromises and (perhaps down the line) what happens if you can't reach an arrangement that you can both live with where you're also physically together. For me, personally, it's important to keep the bigger picture in mind and it helps to have some timeline for when/how the LD portion of it will end. I also found i's important to know lots of details about each other's lives - visit after they have settled in to see what their apartment looks like, meet any roommates, know what the commute is like, see their office, meet other important people in their life (colleagues, professors, friends, students, whatnot), see the coffee shop where they hang out, the supermarket they go to, etc, so that they can tell you about the everyday details of their life. It's a very different situation when they can say "I went out with Joe to Coffee Shop" compared to "I went out with a guy from work to a coffee shop near campus." It's all more personal and you can be more directly involved in their lives. It's not quite the same as talking about your day while having dinner together, but it's better than nothing. 

This is a great post full of many truths. When I've had to live overseas for language study in Asia, this is what I've done and it's worked out really well. It's one thing to talk about the places I am/am going, but it's another to show the other person. I took a lot more videos than I ever have in my whole life (on our anniversary, I went and recorded what I did that day and made a video blog for him, with everyone in my class saying "hello" and "happy anniversary" and just the mundane things like riding the bus and the subway and going to the store, basically narrating my day. It even had a dance break!) and whenever I had wifi, I'd FaceTime and take him around the places I was at, even if it was just a little coffee shop. It's so much easier now to be in a long-distance relationship than it was five or six years ago. Skype was just barely getting to be a thing then and it was hard to keep in touch. Little packages back and forth were great, too. I'd get candy and other things from home, and I'd send him candy and other munchies from where I was (which was good for both of us; I can sometimes be so unadventurous when it comes to food).

 

I really have nothing else to add. Communication, as others have said, really is the key, and sharing all the good and bad parts of being apart together. It didn't make the time go by any faster, but it did ease the pain of being apart at least a little bit. And being honest about what you want and seriously taking the other person's feelings into consideration. I've also worried about which one of us is going to get the short end of the career stick, but I've stopped being afraid to talk it out. We're genuinely supportive of one another's careers and each of us has sacrificed certain things at certain times to help the other person get to where they need/want to be, and, at least for us, it's worked out great. I have quite a few friends in the same situation, too, and we've all basically done the same things. We all knew it sucked, but we all went in with the knowledge that it's only x amount of time and when it's over, we'll be in better places. 

[HockeyNerd]

This reminded me of the Dickinson quote, with my rewording, 'parting is all we need know of hell.' I'm really glad your relationship is working out! Great point about the foundation. I don't think I'd be as eager to start the journey of grad school attached across the US if I was less confident about our future prospects. Good luck to you do you know when the long distance will end?

We will be together again this June! My SO has decided to make the move to come live with me for now. We realize we may have to go long distance again as our careers progress but having already been through it it hardly seems as daunting now. Hopefully if we have to do this again we will have more money to spend on visits. My goal at the moment is to obtain the best education possible in order to have more career options later.

[rising_star]

I can sympathize. My SO and I are both graduating this year and applying for jobs, but at the moment neither one of us has a concrete idea where we'll be next year. We do know that unless some miracle happens, we'll have to be apart for some time. But we don't know where we'll be and for how long; our first jobs are likely to be temporary and there is a distinct possibility that we'll be in different countries with a significant time difference for anywhere from 1 to 3 years. There is nothing I hate more than the silence and wait that this entire year has been about, and the fact that it may be a few more months before we can make any kind of plan. (Oh, and while you wait and worry about the rest of your life, there is also the dissertation to write!). 

I should give you a high five in solidarity. In a weird way, I wish it were as simple as waiting on grad school notifications because those come by a finite time but the job/postdoc cycle extends for literally months and months and months. I'm lucky in that my SO is not on the market but also they aren't in the position to move for another few years. Definitely complicates things but, *shrug* Wait and work, wait and work. That's my mantra.

 

As for communication, I'm big on the all-day email. As in, I open a reply in the morning and then add things to it throughout the day and hit send sometime in the late afternoon or early evening. Some of it is about my day, some a reply to whatever their last email was, some of it is cool links or articles I came across, some of it is totally random or "hey, this happened and I thought of you." But, it works for us. The emails I get back are similar.

 

If you want to make it work, you can make it work. If it's worth it and if you want it. But, please, whatever you do, don't be(come) one of those people who uses the physical distance as an excuse for turning to someone else for the physical part of the relationship unless you and your partner have previously agreed that it's okay. No one wants to get cheated on.

[fuzzylogician]

I should give you a high five in solidarity. In a weird way, I wish it were as simple as waiting on grad school notifications because those come by a finite time but the job/postdoc cycle extends for literally months and months and months. I'm lucky in that my SO is not on the market but also they aren't in the position to move for another few years. Definitely complicates things but, *shrug* Wait and work, wait and work. That's my mantra.

 

Thanks! The prolonged waiting period is so much worse than I remember the grad school process being. You know, first it's interviews for TT jobs, then it's campus visits, then the same thing all over again for postdocs, then for temporary jobs that come along whenever they do. Unless you're very lucky, you can't make plans for anything more than 3-5 months into the future. I can't say I'm enjoying this. I like the wait and work mantra. I should do more of that myself (the work part, that is). 

[rising_star]

fuzzy, we should commiserate more often! It is definitely worse than grad school waiting! Grad school apps were like Jan 1 deadlines and you know you're going to hear before April 15. I got acceptances with funding as early as late January, so it was easy to say by this time that I'd definitely be moving and going to grad school. Then, by April 15, you know where you're moving. The job cycle is deadlines from Oct 1 to who-the-hell-knows for temporary positions plus search committees take FOREVER. You do a phone interview, then wait a few weeks, then get a call about the campus interview. A few weeks later, you go on the interview, then you wait around for weeks and weeks while they decide, get the signoff, and make the offer official. Still waiting on that last part... *sigh*

[fuzzylogician]

fuzzy, we should commiserate more often! It is definitely worse than grad school waiting! Grad school apps were like Jan 1 deadlines and you know you're going to hear before April 15. I got acceptances with funding as early as late January, so it was easy to say by this time that I'd definitely be moving and going to grad school. Then, by April 15, you know where you're moving. The job cycle is deadlines from Oct 1 to who-the-hell-knows for temporary positions plus search committees take FOREVER. You do a phone interview, then wait a few weeks, then get a call about the campus interview. A few weeks later, you go on the interview, then you wait around for weeks and weeks while they decide, get the signoff, and make the offer official. Still waiting on that last part... *sigh*

 

I don't want to hijack this thread but YES. My job application deadlines started on October 1, the last one was on February 1. I'm still waiting to hear back from two interviews (actually this week or early next week should be pretty exciting, or pretty disappointing). Postdocs are just now starting, and temporary jobs come up randomly at all times. I have been on the alternate list for a competitive postdoc for two months now and they say that "It's been our experience that anything can happen at any time, so we will keep you posted if/when it does," but it's been radio silence for a very long time. I guess I don't mind it that much that schools take some time to decide but there is nothing I hate more than when they lie to you and say they won't decide until X date, and then you find out on the wiki that they invited other people. Also, the rejection emails, omg. One school I interviewed with actually sent me an email saying they decided to go with someone else who was better qualified than me. You can just say "there were several good candidates and we had to make some difficult choices" and I can guess by myself you thought someone else was better suited for your position. No need to be mean about it. I mean, it's just insane, the odds are just so much lower than grad school apps, the stakes are higher, and you are also supposed to be working on your dissertation in the meanwhile, despite the craziness. Honestly, I've been too distracted with job stuff to get any serious work done on my dissertation for a couple of months now. No pressure, though. It's only what they'll use to judge your success in the last 5 years of your life and will feature prominently in your apps until you get your first job. 

 

</rant>

[dstock]

For those of you who aren't yet doing long distance but are considering it (ie in the school/job application stage): why not work your career around your relationship instead of the other way around?

 

If you're committed enough to not want to break up, then don't even go into a long distance relationship.  If you're going to be apart for multiple years, what is the point of the relationship?   (If it's a short set of time apart with a defined end, then I can see it being worth it).  Find a way to make it work in the same location.  If not now, you two will have to figure this out down the line.  I doubt it gets easier for these things to work themselves out. 

[biotechie]

For those of you who aren't yet doing long distance but are considering it (ie in the school/job application stage): why not work your career around your relationship instead of the other way around?

 

If you're committed enough to not want to break up, then don't even go into a long distance relationship.  If you're going to be apart for multiple years, what is the point of the relationship?   (If it's a short set of time apart with a defined end, then I can see it being worth it).  Find a way to make it work in the same location.  If not now, you two will have to figure this out down the line.  I doubt it gets easier for these things to work themselves out. 

 

 

That's easier said than done. My boyfriend was not able to find a job in the city I was moving to, and he knows I won't be happy if I don't pursue my career. We definitely considered me skipping out on my PhD to take a lab manager job I was offered, but I would have been miserable. I know he won't be happy if he isn't able to pursue his own career. There's a chance he can move down here with me in another year or so, but we mutually agreed that to sacrifice one of our careers would mean doom for our relationship and our happiness. We both have to have something that makes us feel fulfilled outside of the relationship we have with each other. As for "having to figure it out down the line," that's easier to do in the future than it is, now. I'm going to be moving every 3 years or so for a while until I find a place to settle and fight for tenure. For now, it is better for him to establish himself in his field than for me to drag him around all the time.

 

We are still doing fairly well after a year apart, and I'm fairly sure we will be doing even better once I get through Quals and have a tad more time to talk. I have no interest in finding someone else. You can make it work, but you do have to work for it. The previous posters are proof.

[dstock]

For me I know I'd rather wait one more application cycle if it meant the possibility of getting in to a program in the same location as my SO, and I'd hope my SO would be willing to spend more time on the job market to find a job in a city with me.  In the meantime either of us taking up a less-ideal job. That vs choosing to spend multiple years apart.  I know in some situations like places with no research labs at all it would be impossible to make it work there. 

 

I'm not trying to be judgemental against anyone personally.  I know it is a choice a lot of academic people make.  Just not a choice I think I could make.  I hope I never come to the point where we can't make location work. 

[LittleDarlings]

For those of you who aren't yet doing long distance but are considering it (ie in the school/job application stage): why not work your career around your relationship instead of the other way around?

 

If you're committed enough to not want to break up, then don't even go into a long distance relationship.  If you're going to be apart for multiple years, what is the point of the relationship?   (If it's a short set of time apart with a defined end, then I can see it being worth it).  Find a way to make it work in the same location.  If not now, you two will have to figure this out down the line.  I doubt it gets easier for these things to work themselves out.

Exactly... Why put yourself in that position.

I know this guy who moved from Kentucky to Ohio for his girlfriends PhD program. If you love someone why wouldn't you make the sacrifice and effort. Seems dumb to let something like that complicate a relationship.