Crushed ambitions and dreams: I feel like I want to commit suicide

[SuicideToAttainMyGlory]

My story is very similar to a another certain person on this forum.

I am in a far worse postion however, since at least she graduated with her Bachelor's while I am still in the community college level.

 

People say that OCD and PTSD occur together quite often. In terms of my life, I am quite sure that my OCD (officially diagnosed) was the cause of my probable PTSD (not diagnosed). I was always the child with many potentials and my high school year - despite past traumas from earlier childhood geekiness - could have been the most glorious era of my life. The problem, of course, was that I was first ignorant of even having OCD. Then I long denied myself that I have any problems. Finally, I foolishly gave into the urges of my OCD and became re-traumatized (because of the embarassing things I would do in public) during the time period that any person should remember forever - my senior year in high school. Community college should have been my ultimate second chance. My avoidance however became severe and I "intentionally' gave up on many opportunities. Finally, during the summer of 2013, I met a true great psychiatrist and was properly diagnosed with OCD and Panic Disorder. I took medications including Setraline (which should have helped out my PTSD if I have it). My life improved drastically. In every corners of my life, I would say that I am making major progresses. I re-continue my great relationships with my family and I am thankfully productive with my work.

 

The problem is that I hit a wall in my academic life. I went to two colleges of the LACCD (Pierce College and LAVC from Los Angeles Community College District), and my grades were horrendous for both of them. No - despite such embarassments - I do not consider myself "retarded";in fact - after given the proper medications - I took many "bullshit" classes and some "upper division" classes like Organic Chemistry - receiving straight A's on all of them. The problem was that I stupidly gave in to my Obsessive Compulsive desires. I would be "forced" to do many non-academic things before I can even study or do homework. Several times, I could not even show up for the exams!!!!!  Do you think this is the most painful things that you have ever heard? Well, I did have more choices: I could have dropped the classes before I received some shameful grades. It's just that my OCD voices -again - told me not to make the obviously sensible action. So I received F's that were completely unnecessary.

 

I am stuck in the community colleges for far too long. Not quite as long as those who "studied" for 10 to 15 years, but it is beyond 3 years and this embarassment is near the limit even for me. Because of my large collection of shitty grades, I feel extremely hopeless right now. I will continue to take the "upper division" courses like the Final Organic Chemistry class, Physics 102 and 103 and Calculus 2 and 3, but I do not see how I can get out of this shitty mess that I am in.

 

UCLA has always been - since I was a child - my dream school. I wanted to receive at least a Bachelor's at this school at a normal age (21 years old). When I failed so epically and passed the age of 21, I very reluctantly calmed down and optimistically promised myself further dates.

 

However, let me say this now, I fear that if I don't graduate by late 20's or early 30's, I may not be able to control my grief anymore and I might do something very regrettable. UCLA needed a minimum of 3.2 GPA. When I thought that my GPA at least improved to a 3.3 level, it turns out that it was only 2.9 cumulative. It may still reach 3.2, but this means more years at the community college. Yes, I am going to meet an academic counselor next week. However, based on my experience, most of these meetups are useless and the counselors may be mean ("What is this? Are you serious?"). After all of these years, I am still not quite sure about "academic forgiveness", how it really works in the community colleges and how it really works when UCLA looks at the grades. I want my shitty grades to be completely eliminated though - of course - it would be "unfair" to some people.

 

Hah!!!!! "Unfair?" I am a completely different person than my past self. Why is it that no matter how much I improved the world will find new ways to continually suffocate me? Why should my past self be tormenting my transcripts?

 

I guess I could always go to CSUN, a university known for students with mediocre grades. I meant no disrespect to those students, but I would rather commit suicide than to fail myself again. I am sure some of you don't understand this basic fact, that I cannot change my dreams. Dreams are NOT wants, they are needs. I have a certain ultimate dream because I have a certain ultimate dream. When a dream is crushed, it is as bad as having no food or water. Please do not blame people when they commit suicide.

 

Again, I will go see a counselor next week. It seems like some of my grades were not forgiven despite the promises. I am getting tired of feeling hopelessness, so I hope to receive some help from you guys as well.

 

Thank you very much. You got realize how lucky you grads are.

Signing off,

A person who probably cannot become an biopaleontologist.

Edited February 20, 2015 by SuicideToAttainMyGlory

[1Q84]

Again, I will go see a counselor next week.

 

Please do keep this appointment (I'm assuming this is a school counselor?) and make one with a psychiatrist or therapist as well. I'm hoping your campus has such resources or at least can point you to somewhere in the community with the necessary resources.

 

Your frustrations are not without foundation but I'm sure the combined efforts of an academic counselor and a therapist can help you through this rough period and get you back on the right track with medications and an academic plan. 

 

Please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you're feeling low or desperate over the weekend. I'm also in LA so feel free to PM me over the weekend if you need an ear.

[ProfLorax]

Thank you very much. You got realize how lucky you grads are.

Yes to everything IQ84 said. I also wanted to address this note right here. We grads are lucky, but many many many of us overcame significant hurdles to get where we are. Many of us have been in similar positions as you are right now, and we kept going even when we just didn't feel like we could. Dreams are needs, indeed, but they are also journeys that take time! Give yourself the opportunity to fight for that dream, even if the road you may take may be longer than someone else's.

[SuicideToAttainMyGlory]

Please do keep this appointment (I'm assuming this is a school counselor?) and make one with a psychiatrist or therapist as well. I'm hoping your campus has such resources or at least can point you to somewhere in the community with the necessary resources.

 

Your frustrations are not without foundation but I'm sure the combined efforts of an academic counselor and a therapist can help you through this rough period and get you back on the right track with medications and an academic plan. 

 

Please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you're feeling low or desperate over the weekend. I'm also in LA so feel free to PM me over the weekend if you need an ear.

Thank you for acknowledging that my anger is based on real world problems, instead of going CBT "you are doing great" on me. I really appreciate that.

 

Yes to everything IQ84 said. I also wanted to address this note right here. We grads are lucky, but many many many of us overcame significant hurdles to get where we are. Many of us have been in similar positions as you are right now, and we kept going even when we just didn't feel like we could. Dreams are needs, indeed, but they are also journeys that take time! Give yourself the opportunity to fight for that dream, even if the road you may take may be longer than someone else's.

Thank you for your comforting words, but there is no need to be dishonest. Nobody reasonably young who is working towards PhDs or ScDs  right now was stuck at a community college like me.

Edited February 21, 2015 by SuicideToAttainMyGlory

[GeoDUDE!]

Have you tried Santa Monica Community College? I know it might be a bit of a trek for you... but Santa Monica or Long Beach is worlds better than the one's you have attended. 

 

The one thing you might take solace in is that you are at such a young stage in your career that it is very hard to mess up. I know that is hard to believe, but I graduated with a 3.05 GPA and am in a top 20 school in my field.  Your GPA isn't that far off from mine.

 

And quite honestly, I know UCLA might be your dream school, but are you sure that is the best place to help you with your needs? A bit pricer, and might cause you some debt, are the claremont colleges (small liberal arts schools) that are MUCH better in accommodating people with advanced disorders. As someone who now teaches in the UC system... In my  opinion its already and uphill batter for the undergrads. 

 

Another thing that will benefit you is that you are doing well now, so that when you do apply for whatever you want after college, you will have your lower CC grades, and then great grades at a 4 year school. That is very indicative of someone who will be successful in whatever they want. 

 

I know you obviously can't use any more negativity in your life, but the ultimate mark of successful people is their ability to persevere through adversity. To find ways to get what they want even when original doors may or may not have closed. 

 

If being a biopalentologist is something you really want, killing yourself will never get you that. Thats closing all the doors. Going to UCI/R  or one of the fine CSUs for the rest of your undergrad after CC is a fine choice. 

 

It's also important to note that there are very famous professors who got terrible grades in college. Jeff Erikson had a sub 2.5 GPA and is now a full tenured professor at a top 5 computer science department, with half of his students receiving tenure themselves. What is preventing you right now from being like him? Is UCLA really everything? 

 

I'm really glad that you reached out to someone, even if its the internet, about killing yourself. My best friend just left a note on his dresser and jumped off his balcony. He didn't give anyone the chance to stop him. What you are doing now is less selfish than you can even imagine. 

Edited February 21, 2015 by GeoDUDE!

[beaniebaby]

Thank you for acknowledging that my anger is based on real world problems, instead of going CBT "you are doing great" on me. I really appreciate that.

 

Thank you for your comforting words, but there is no need to be dishonest. Nobody reasonably young who is working towards PhDs or ScDs  right now was stuck at a community college like me.

Hola! High school drop-out, 3.5 years at exceptionally shitty community college, reasonably young current Oxford graduate student here. It is possible! I used to feel really embarrassed and miserable about the community college thing, but really, people don't look down on you because of it, and they'll respect your dedication and hard work. Dreams aren't always easy, and often require huge amounts of struggle, but flexibility in how you get there and your timeline is key

Please though, keep your appointment for next week, and like another poster said, call 1-800-273-TALK if you need someone over the weekend.

[mountainroad]

 

Thank you for your comforting words, but there is no need to be dishonest. Nobody reasonably young who is working towards PhDs or ScDs  right now was stuck at a community college like me.

 

This is not entirely true.  I went to college when I was 18 years old (in 2001) and did horribly.  I was placed on academic probation because my GPA was so terrible and was not allowed to come back to the school for a year.  The only option that I saw was to join the military, which I did in 2003.  I was wounded in combat and almost killed in Afghanistan and ended up with PTSD from that.  After being discharged in 2007, I was a mess for a couple of years and enrolled in community college in January 2009.  I had a good first semester but the next few semesters were nightmarish.  Like you, I got help and there was a point where my life improved drastically.  When I finally graduated from community college, I had been there for three and a half years and was almost 30.  Though my GPA was mediocre and had some very bad grades on it, the improvement was obvious and consistent.  I transferred to a senior college and finished out there with almost straight A's and graduated Magna Cum Laude with distinction in anthropology.  During my time at the senior college, I was a very good student and conducted anthropology research like my life depended on it. 

 

One of the worst parts of applying to graduate school for me was knowing that I had the baggage that I did on my transcripts.  My only hope was that my improvement would count for something and the fact that my final four semesters were nearly perfect would off-set the bad grades that I made when I had not yet figured out how to work to my full potential.  I will be fully funded this fall when I begin working on my PhD, at the age of 32.  

 

Trauma and PTSD are research focuses of mine and I have lost a number of military colleagues to suicide.  As much as I have suffered, I admit that I have never felt compelled to hurt myself and I do not know what that feels like.  I urge you not to give up though.  Academia is a competitive world and I can't promise you that you will get accepted into graduate school.  I can say though that I have been stuck with an abysmal GPA in a community college hell-loop at a time when people I graduated from high school with were starting to become lawyers and get their doctorates and I do know what that feels like.  I took control of my life (which was not easy) and I will be starting a top-tier anthropology PhD program in a few months.  Your life is not over.     

[trogdorburninator]

This is not entirely true.  I went to college when I was 18 years old (in 2001) and did horribly.  I was placed on academic probation because my GPA was so terrible and was not allowed to come back to the school for a year.  The only option that I saw was to join the military, which I did in 2003.  I was wounded in combat and almost killed in Afghanistan and ended up with PTSD from that.  After being discharged in 2007, I was a mess for a couple of years and enrolled in community college in January 2009.  I had a good first semester but the next few semesters were nightmarish.  Like you, I got help and there was a point where my life improved drastically.  When I finally graduated from community college, I had been there for three and a half years and was almost 30.  Though my GPA was mediocre and had some very bad grades on it, the improvement was obvious and consistent.  I transferred to a senior college and finished out there with almost straight A's and graduated Magna Cum Laude with distinction in anthropology.  During my time at the senior college, I was a very good student and conducted anthropology research like my life depended on it. 

 

One of the worst parts of applying to graduate school for me was knowing that I had the baggage that I did on my transcripts.  My only hope was that my improvement would count for something and the fact that my final four semesters were nearly perfect would off-set the bad grades that I made when I had not yet figured out how to work to my full potential.  I will be fully funded this fall when I begin working on my PhD, at the age of 32.  

 

Trauma and PTSD are research focuses of mine and I have lost a number of military colleagues to suicide.  As much as I have suffered, I admit that I have never felt compelled to hurt myself and I do not know what that feels like.  I urge you not to give up though.  Academia is a competitive world and I can't promise you that you will get accepted into graduate school.  I can say though that I have been stuck with an abysmal GPA in a community college hell-loop at a time when people I graduated from high school with were starting to become lawyers and get their doctorates and I do know what that feels like.  I took control of my life (which was not easy) and I will be starting a top-tier anthropology PhD program in a few months.  Your life is not over.     

 

I just want to promote this post - thank for sharing your story and demonstrating that not every graduate applicant is an upper middle class graduate of a top tier research institution.

 

I also did my own time in community college, as well as going to a undergraduate school known for being home to stoners and radicals, have a professional MA (not in anthropology), and am doing pretty well this cycle. 

 

OP, you describe very real obstacles, but strive to get help and focus on the near goals, not the far ones? They will be here before you know it!

[SuicideToAttainMyGlory]

I just want to promote this post - thank for sharing your story and demonstrating that not every graduate applicant is an upper middle class graduate of a top tier research institution.

 

I also did my own time in community college, as well as going to a undergraduate school known for being home to stoners and radicals, have a professional MA (not in anthropology), and am doing pretty well this cycle. 

 

OP, you describe very real obstacles, but strive to get help and focus on the near goals, not the far ones? They will be here before you know it!

 

Have you tried Santa Monica Community College? I know it might be a bit of a trek for you... but Santa Monica or Long Beach is worlds better than the one's you have attended. 

 

The one thing you might take solace in is that you are at such a young stage in your career that it is very hard to mess up. I know that is hard to believe, but I graduated with a 3.05 GPA and am in a top 20 school in my field.  Your GPA isn't that far off from mine.

 

And quite honestly, I know UCLA might be your dream school, but are you sure that is the best place to help you with your needs? A bit pricer, and might cause you some debt, are the claremont colleges (small liberal arts schools) that are MUCH better in accommodating people with advanced disorders. As someone who now teaches in the UC system... In my  opinion its already and uphill batter for the undergrads. 

 

Another thing that will benefit you is that you are doing well now, so that when you do apply for whatever you want after college, you will have your lower CC grades, and then great grades at a 4 year school. That is very indicative of someone who will be successful in whatever they want. 

 

I know you obviously can't use any more negativity in your life, but the ultimate mark of successful people is their ability to persevere through adversity. To find ways to get what they want even when original doors may or may not have closed. 

 

If being a biopalentologist is something you really want, killing yourself will never get you that. Thats closing all the doors. Going to UCI/R  or one of the fine CSUs for the rest of your undergrad after CC is a fine choice. 

 

It's also important to note that there are very famous professors who got terrible grades in college. Jeff Erikson had a sub 2.5 GPA and is now a full tenured professor at a top 5 computer science department, with half of his students receiving tenure themselves. What is preventing you right now from being like him? Is UCLA really everything? 

 

I'm really glad that you reached out to someone, even if its the internet, about killing yourself. My best friend just left a note on his dresser and jumped off his balcony. He didn't give anyone the chance to stop him. What you are doing now is less selfish than you can even imagine. 

 

 

Hola! High school drop-out, 3.5 years at exceptionally shitty community college, reasonably young current Oxford graduate student here. It is possible! I used to feel really embarrassed and miserable about the community college thing, but really, people don't look down on you because of it, and they'll respect your dedication and hard work. Dreams aren't always easy, and often require huge amounts of struggle, but flexibility in how you get there and your timeline is key

Please though, keep your appointment for next week, and like another poster said, call 1-800-273-TALK if you need someone over the weekend.

 

 

This is not entirely true.  I went to college when I was 18 years old (in 2001) and did horribly.  I was placed on academic probation because my GPA was so terrible and was not allowed to come back to the school for a year.  The only option that I saw was to join the military, which I did in 2003.  I was wounded in combat and almost killed in Afghanistan and ended up with PTSD from that.  After being discharged in 2007, I was a mess for a couple of years and enrolled in community college in January 2009.  I had a good first semester but the next few semesters were nightmarish.  Like you, I got help and there was a point where my life improved drastically.  When I finally graduated from community college, I had been there for three and a half years and was almost 30.  Though my GPA was mediocre and had some very bad grades on it, the improvement was obvious and consistent.  I transferred to a senior college and finished out there with almost straight A's and graduated Magna Cum Laude with distinction in anthropology.  During my time at the senior college, I was a very good student and conducted anthropology research like my life depended on it. 

 

One of the worst parts of applying to graduate school for me was knowing that I had the baggage that I did on my transcripts.  My only hope was that my improvement would count for something and the fact that my final four semesters were nearly perfect would off-set the bad grades that I made when I had not yet figured out how to work to my full potential.  I will be fully funded this fall when I begin working on my PhD, at the age of 32.  

 

Trauma and PTSD are research focuses of mine and I have lost a number of military colleagues to suicide.  As much as I have suffered, I admit that I have never felt compelled to hurt myself and I do not know what that feels like.  I urge you not to give up though.  Academia is a competitive world and I can't promise you that you will get accepted into graduate school.  I can say though that I have been stuck with an abysmal GPA in a community college hell-loop at a time when people I graduated from high school with were starting to become lawyers and get their doctorates and I do know what that feels like.  I took control of my life (which was not easy) and I will be starting a top-tier anthropology PhD program in a few months.  Your life is not over.     

 

 

I just want to promote this post - thank for sharing your story and demonstrating that not every graduate applicant is an upper middle class graduate of a top tier research institution.

 

I also did my own time in community college, as well as going to a undergraduate school known for being home to stoners and radicals, have a professional MA (not in anthropology), and am doing pretty well this cycle. 

 

OP, you describe very real obstacles, but strive to get help and focus on the near goals, not the far ones? They will be here before you know it!

 

Thank you very much for your stories and advices, all of you. I do not know what I was thinking today, but now I can see some reasonable hope in my academic life.

Thank you all again. I will try not to think about suicide after this.

 

as well as going to a undergraduate school known for being home to stoners and radicals

 

That is not bad at all if you are talking about the top university known as UC Berkeley

Edited February 21, 2015 by SuicideToAttainMyGlory

[trogdorburninator]

hah! if only.

nope. not nearly as reputable. :-)

[1Q84]

Thank you very much for your stories and advices, all of you. I do not know what I was thinking today, but now I can see some reasonable hope in my academic life.

Thank you all again. I will try not to think about suicide after this.

 

Good to hear! TGC is a wonderfully supportive (and enlightening) place, especially when we compare our life trajectory to those of others.

 

That being said, as someone who has dealt with recurrent histories of depression in my immediate family, I would encourage you (not condescendingly or paternally but gently) to consider the assistance of professionals as you continue your journey. As I think we can all attest, life throws many setbacks our way and can send us on a real rollercoaster of triumphs and miseries. It's not a bad idea to have a professional at your back to be an ear or to help bolster coping mechanisms. 

 

Best of luck moving forward!

[nexus8793]

First of all, it looks like there's a lot of great support and advice in this thread. I wish you the best of luck.

 

I don't have a lot of life experience dealing with some of the heavier issues in this thread, but I thought I could possibly offer some practical school-related advice (though you may have thought of it or tried it already). I taught for a few semesters at a community college, a pretty big one but maybe not as big as yours. I had a lot of students come through, some really talented. And as you've experienced, a lot of the smartest and most gifted kids at CC often have some sort of "baggage," whether it's some sort of physical or mental health issue, family stuff, financial problems, any number of different things. As an instructor, I tried really hard to be accommodating (without being patronizing or coddling) to students who I knew or suspected had these types of issues, and I think the majority of CC instructors try to do the same thing. It always seemed to me to be a big part of the mission of the community college system anyway.  

 

My school gave professors quite a bit of leeway when it came to changing grades, etc., and I think this is pretty common at least to some degree. What I'd suggest trying is contacting some of your professors whose classes you've failed (especially those that you had strong grades in but missed the final or final essay). Explain your situation a little bit, and see if there would be any way possible to make up the exam or do a project in its place, really anything that seems appropriate for the class. I personally was very open to this type of thing, and I let a couple students make up work way after the class had ended. I had one student, a really bright art major, who had done pretty well in my class (B+/A-) but turned in a joke of a final essay (like just a couple lines on a page, absolutely nothing). This along with doing rather poorly on the final a few weeks before, after doing pretty well on all the other tests dropped his grade to a D. He was 20ish, had a kid, at least one of his parents had been deported, worked 60 hours a week as a mechanic, so he had some obstacles going on. I even e-mailed him at the time to see if everything was going ok, but didn't hear back. About 6 months later, he found himself in a situation similar to yours, where our pretty prestigious state school needed a minimum 3-something gpa but he didn't quite make the cut. He e-mailed me to see if he could do something to improve his grade, and we thought up a really sweet evolution-themed art/comic project that he created (the class was human evolution). I was able to bump his grade up significantly. 

 

I certainly can't guarantee that this will work, and it may even be impossible depending on your school's restrictions, but it might be worth a try (rules are meant to be broken anyway) and could help you avoid retaking a few classes and speed up your timetable. Again good luck!

[Daisy123]

As you can see, from all of the posters above who shared their story, your hope is no wear NEAR gone. As you have been medicated and your grades are improving,  i am sure that whatever university you choose to apply to after the community college hurdle, will value that. You are not too old, and you wont be too old > my 40 year old friend just got into graduate school. In 3 years , my 42 year old friend will be applying......if it is a dream , you should chase it till you are 10000. 

Dont give up! Its very hard to get depressed when you look too much into the future. Stay focused on your goals RIGHT NOW> Take it one step at a time. 

You obviously have a huge hurdle with your disability, and you have acknowledged it. You have even found medication that works! So, stay on it, find some professional  help,keep your chin up, and just keeepppppp goingggg. YOur life is too precious to let go off. 

[mamabear64]

I am not the student, but I lurk on these pages because I am the proud mamabear of an autistic daughter who graduates from UC Berkeley this spring and is applying for Grad school.  She is going to be 26 years old. Her first year, she bombed out of U of T and we brought her home, since we had just moved from Canada to Southern California. We got her enrolled in Community college (Moorpark College) and she did great. She transferred to Cal because both UCLA and UCSB denied her because her UofT marks haunted her past GPA.  Guess who wanted her?  Berkeley!  Now she's got a few offers for Grad school and she WANTS to go to either CSUN or SDSU because the Profs and research there are amazing. Do not discount these schools, they have great research.  UCLA, although wonderful is not the end of the rainbow. 

 

My point is, if my amazing girl can find her way in the world after so much trouble, you can too.  She was very depressed after UofT and never thought she would ever succeed again. She's a 3.80 student at Cal. Be true to yourself, and keep doing what you love.  The world needs shining stars like yourself. Don't fail us by giving up.  You can do it.......just take your time and do it right!.. Slow and steady wins the race.

[mutualist007]

Slow and steady also runs out of time.

[Page228]

First, almost nobody attains glory through suicide. Just putting that out there. The success rate is very low.

 

As to moving forward, I had an ex who had done the CC thing. The first time was a miserable failure. I think his GPA was just above a 1. He came back in his late twenties, finished strong, and wanted to go to UCLA. His advisors at the school told him he didn't have a chance. He applied, he told his story of overcoming obstacles and perseverance, and he got in. He later got into an MA program at Toronto. (Decided not to pursue the PhD.) It can be done.

 

That said, you have to be prepared for future chances when you do make them happen. Whether that takes medication, therapy, whatever... you have to be able to do the work and go to your exams. Feeling sorry for yourself accomplishes exactly nothing. (Yes, your past selves will haunt you. We all have past selves who made mistakes of one kind or another, but universities prefer to admit people with more consistent selves so they don't have to worry about whether it is the focused selves or the distracted selves that are the anomalies. It's unreasonable to hold that against them.) If you're ready to take a calm look at your life and realize that yes, you've given yourself extra obstacles, but no, those obstacles aren't insurmountable, and fully commit yourself to your goals, which you cannot do with part of your mind dreaming of suicide, then go for it and don't take no for an answer.*

 

*There are exceptions, but they tend to be in creating some kind of artistic work with impending death as the final motivator. Few say, "I will get into UCLA! And then die, and everyone shall remember my name."

[SuicideToAttainMyGlory]

Slow and steady also runs out of time.

I thank you also for supporting reality with such a succinct statement. I have always known this to be a fact.

Heck, I can probably state it better:

Slow and steady also runs out of time, so please -SuicideToAttainMyGlory - don't be so "retardedly" happy about the cliché story of the tortoise beating the bunny.

 

I only want people to understand one thing: at times I would rather be a happy vegetable than a full and intelligent human being brimming with the utmost need to be excellent but is tragically and continously being "put down" because of several severe mental disorders that people are unaware of/turn a blind eye to.

 

The second option is a pure torture of the human spirit and my heart is nearing explosion because I - objectively speaking (whether you believe it or not)- am in that category. You probably do not understand this easy fundamental fact, and I don't blame you; many people at top universities unrightfully deciding the fate of a lot of beautiful humans do not understand this.

 

While I appreciate your honesty, if your statement was intended - in anyway - to express your smugness and kick down an already fallen person, then shame on you.

Edited April 30, 2015 by SuicideToAttainMyGlory

[mutualist007]

I thank you also for supporting reality with such a succinct statement. I have always known this to be a fact.

Heck, I can probably state it better:

Slow and steady also runs out of time, so please -SuicideToAttainMyGlory - don't be so "retardedly" happy about the cliché story of the tortoise beating the bunny.

 

I only want people to understand one thing: at times I would rather be a happy vegetable than a full and intelligent human being brimming with the utmost need to be excellent but is tragically and continously being "put down" because of several severe mental disorders that people are unaware of/turn a blind eye to.

 

The second option is a pure torture of the human spirit and my heart is nearing explosion because I - objectively speaking (whether you believe it or not)- am in that category. You probably do not understand this easy fundamental fact, and I don't blame you; many people at top universities unrightfully deciding the fate of a lot of beautiful humans do not understand this.

 

While I appreciate your honesty, if your statement was intended - in anyway - to express your smugness and kick down an already fallen person, then shame on you.

 

Long time between replies, but here it is. I was kicking myself. I had recently read a lot of testimonials and discussions about the negative effect of greater age and distance between degrees and the likelihood of landing a tenure track job. Perhaps my tone was smug, but my intention was to seriously present another side of the issue and a grim warning about the false belief that "it's never too late".

 

I'm still not sure about my chances in a fourth round of applications, but here I stand not quite ready to move out of the way just yet.

[SuicideToAttainMyGlory]

True to my words, I have applied to only UCLA during last Fall (2015) to prove the point that I am extremely faithful to the idea that I belong to UCLA (and only UCLA) during my undergraduate career. I was rejected in the kindest way possible, and I kept my anger to myself. I was angry because I went above and beyond going to TWO community colleges to bring my GPAs up to 3.198 (making my GPA now acceptable to even UCLA). After talking to the counselor this week, I will still apply to UCLA again. However, I will also apply to schools like UC Santa Barbara, which is a party school but still more competitive than any CSU that I know of. My same counselor will draft up a formal education plan next Monday (August 8th, 2016) despite the fact that I have fulfilled all the prerequisites already.

Again, thanks for the advices guys. I may still be depressed at times but I don't feel suicidal anymore. Currently, however, I have a problem that may re-affect my study. For those who are of no nonsense nature, please answer my thread below.

 

Edited August 5, 2016 by SuicideToAttainMyGlory