Crying in front of professor

[Dalmatian]

Has anyone here ever cried in front of a professor? Or have you ever had a student cry in front of you? 

Today I cried in front of a professor for the first time ever (though I slightly teared up once before with another prof). I've been struggling academically and during a meeting with one of my committee members today, he asked me why I thought I was doing poorly, if I felt unprepared for grad school based on my undergrad experience etc. And in trying to tell him that I regretted choosing the undergrad I did because I thought it was a mistake, I broke down. He was very kind, but I felt completely mortified. I never cry in front of anyone, including my therapist! I hope he doesn't think I was trying to garner sympathy. It was definitely an unplanned and unwanted response on my part. 

[Berk]

I think it is a great moment for you to realize that you begin to adapt your new life. I am a first year of Ph.D. and my relentless mentor made me cry 3 times. I already went through a mental breakdown and actually yelled at my advisor during one of the lab meetings. Thank God everyday if you have a supporting faculty around you. I was a very successful undergrad and had an amazing master's experience, but I have lost all my passion and ambition in the Ph.D. thanks to my mentor. You will be fine but I won't. That's why I am doing my best to live this goddamn place. 

 

 

 

[fuzzylogician]

@Dalmatian Yes, I have had students cry in my office, usually in circumstances not unlike what you're describing. It happens. Not much you can do about an uncontrollable emotion that sweeps over you, so I'm glad to hear that your professor handled it well. 

@Berk Oh, that really doesn't sound healthy for someone in their first semester. I would strongly advise you to look for support elsewhere, be it through moving to another lab/supervisor or by simply finding a mentor who isn't your advisor. It can be an advanced student, a faculty member, maybe someone in a specialized support group (those exist!). But don't just keep going like this for too long, because you'll find it very hard to finish, and I'd personally question whether you should. A PhD is not worth 5 years of suffering. 

[TwirlingBlades]

I cried in a professor's office because of a medical issue (I was dealing with a really bad concussion) and I couldn't do exams or anything. It was mortifying and I was trying to keep it together, but he was very kind (and knew me from undergrad). It happens.

[Quantitative_Psychology]

In undergraduate studies, I ended up crying an office maybe 2 times. Typically, this occurred with professors I'm very close with, and I don't want to disappoint. Each time the professors were very kind about it, and I was given the impression it wasn't entirely unusual. They often offered excellent support by relieving some of the burden of the situation. 

I graduate school, I ended up crying once in front of a professor. It actually really improved the relationship. The professor hadn't realized that the way he was communicating with me was coming across mean and dissatisfied, and we came to an understanding. 

I do find it embarrassing that I couldn't keep it totally professional, but I'm certain they recognize the stress we are under during graduate school (especially when we are first adjusting). 

[Hope.for.the.best]

5 hours ago, Dalmatian said:

Has anyone here ever cried in front of a professor? Or have you ever had a student cry in front of you? 

Today I cried in front of a professor for the first time ever (though I slightly teared up once before with another prof). I've been struggling academically and during a meeting with one of my committee members today, he asked me why I thought I was doing poorly, if I felt unprepared for grad school based on my undergrad experience etc. And in trying to tell him that I regretted choosing the undergrad I did because I thought it was a mistake, I broke down. He was very kind, but I felt completely mortified. I never cry in front of anyone, including my therapist! I hope he doesn't think I was trying to garner sympathy. It was definitely an unplanned and unwanted response on my part. 

I am about to finish my PhD (fingers crossed). I myself have never cried in front of my advisors, but I have seen other PhD students who broke down and cried. One of my PhD friends cried because she could not find a reagent that she needed for an experiment! Of course, that was when she was under a lot of stress to finish (she was falling behind). She also cried when the school's academic committee investigated why she could not submit by the 4-year mark. As fuzzylogician says, it is good that your professor handled that well. You know, some men do freak out when they see tears! Everyone gets bad days from time to time, so things like these are understandable. My main advisor yelled at me once months ago when he had a bad day. 

If you are concerned how he perceives you because of that, perhaps find a time and explain to him that somehow you had a bad day. I suggest that when you are caught up in a situation like this in future, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Calm yourself down for 5 or 10 min before going back to the meeting. Do that when you feel the tears are coming! 

[Hope.for.the.best]

5 hours ago, fuzzylogician said:

@Berk Oh, that really doesn't sound healthy for someone in their first semester. I would strongly advise you to look for support elsewhere, be it through moving to another lab/supervisor or by simply finding a mentor who isn't your advisor. It can be an advanced student, a faculty member, maybe someone in a specialized support group (those exist!). But don't just keep going like this for too long, because you'll find it very hard to finish, and I'd personally question whether you should. A PhD is not worth 5 years of suffering. 

Second what fuzzylogician said. I went through something similar to what you described the past year, and I have to say that it is hell even if being in this state for 1 year. It is not great when I had to deal with that alone in a foreign country. I only started to feel better these days, when my dissertation is completed and being copy-edited. You should find ways to deal with your stress, especially when you are so early on in your PhD. Personally, I see a psychologist regularly back home. She herself did a PhD in the US, so she can totally relate to the stress and difficulties of the PhD journey. 

[Berk]

@fuzzylogician and @Hope.for.the.best thank you very much. Honestly, I just feel numb and don't want to do anything anymore. It makes me feel so sad to see myself in this kind of situation. I am planning to transfer Neuroscience Ph.D. but I have an exercise science background. I have shared the details of my education background below. Can you please share your thoughts with me? What are my chances for getting accepted to neuroscience? I appreciate the help. 

Just give you an idea on my background, I did my bachelors in Sports Sciences with the GPA of 3.54. I had one peer review publication 3 poster presentation in international conferences. For non-academic activities, I was involved in Special Olympics Organization for 4 years. Then, I came to the US and studied a year of Medical Assisting and then got accepted to Nutrition and Exercise Science master's degree at CUNY. I took 26 credit worth of prerequisite courses including biochem, organic chem, anatomy 1 and 2 physiology 1 and 2 etc. I collected the data for my thesis at Columbia University. We investigated the influence of task constraints on upper and lower body modifications in children with Cerebral Palsy. Also, I did my internship at Columbia at applied physiology lab. We investigated whether exercise can attenuate the side effects of antiretroviral therapy in people with HIV. I turned the study into an abstract presentation and presented at a conference. In addition, I was involved in another study at Columbia where we studied on people HIV again. 

Then I got accepted to PhD in Exercise Physiology and co-wrote a paper on exercise genomics and wrote another one as a first author. I have been involved in a major project where I do extensive heart rate variability analysis in firefighters. Further, I was involved in a meta-analysis on hypertension.

EDUCATION

BA: Sports Sciences (BA): 3.54 GPA

MS: Nutrition and Exercise Sciences 3.77 GPA (research assistant)

PhD Exercise Physiology: 3.83 GPA (research assistant) -- I want to transfer to Neuroscience 

CERTIFICATIONS

Exercise Physiologist of American College of Sports Medicine (ACSM-EP-C)

Healthcare Provider of American Heart Association 

PUBLICATIONS

3 peer review publications + 5 poster presentations + involved in 3 other studies but not had my name on the papers.

GRE: 149/154, AW:3.5  

SOCIAL EXPERIENCE

Special Olympics 

Played professional soccer for 7 years.

 

[Hope.for.the.best]

7 hours ago, Berk said:

@fuzzylogician and @Hope.for.the.best thank you very much. Honestly, I just feel numb and don't want to do anything anymore. It makes me feel so sad to see myself in this kind of situation. I am planning to transfer Neuroscience Ph.D. but I have an exercise science background. I have shared the details of my education background below. Can you please share your thoughts with me? What are my chances for getting accepted to neuroscience? I appreciate the help. 

I am also from a science field, and I know that it is very difficult to publish, so your academic profile looks very good (3 publications). However, it is hard to advise your chances of being accepted, as I have no knowledge of the school you are applying to. The one thing that concerns me (potentially the selection commitee) is whether you can stay on to the program and finish your PhD, if you are accepted. I know you don't like your current program, and it is perfectly fine to transfer, but somehow you need to convince the committee that it is what you want. That is something you need to consider regardless. We do make choices that we later find unsuitable, but we don't mean to choose something that we don't like in the first place. The committe may see you as someone who gives up easily. 

You also need to think about your plan if you don't get accepted to neuroscience. Can you address the issues that make you want to quit the current program? It is worth talking to your program coordibator and school counsellor about that. If doing a PhD is something that you want, then it doesn't really matter what program you are in. Of course, you need to do a project that you don't hate, but not necessary the one that you like the most. You can always do other projects after your PhD. Doing a PhD in exercise physiology does not mean you have to stick to that for life! 

[lemma]

On 12/5/2017 at 1:32 PM, Dalmatian said:

Has anyone here ever cried in front of a professor? Or have you ever had a student cry in front of you? 

I cried in front of one of my professors on my third day of undergrad. I think some other students also saw. I was a long way from home and feeling culture shock, and was struggling to understand the class - I was overprepared for half of it, and very underprepared for the other half of the class. 

She was very compassionate, and spent an hour and a half with me in her office working through my reading that week. I had to work so hard in that class, and she helped me immensely. 

We're all human, you know? Sometimes, no matter how well we usually manage ourselves, emotions can be really strong. I would think quite negative things about a professor who ostracized a student who was vulnerable. It feels really bad to be that overwhelmed, and I think most people (including professors) are empathetic enough. 

[TMP]

Oh... plenty of times.  I've joked with my adviser that she needs to get a tissue box in her office for me. We're all humans (well, most of us anyway) and nothing to be really embarassed about.

[pinoysoc]

Hey @Dalmatian !

I, too, have cried in front of professors. To be honest, I used to joke around crying during a final, and it finally happened during my first final exam during my MA program. I was so stressed out and didn't know I was depressed at the time that I didn't sleep the night before. So when I took the final at 4 PM, I thought I was okay. Then I realized it was such a detailed Inferential Stats exam that I started to panic. I went through the exam a first time and didn't answer much because I blanked out. Thinking, "Oh, I'll just go through it again and something will eventually make sense again." It didn't. The first guy finished within the allotted time, and my prof extended it another hour. But lo and behold, I still didn't remember ANYTHING due to the lack of sleep and having a panic attack, I started crying. At some point, I realized at the moment, I was a failure. Got up. Turned in my exam. And left the computer lab crying. Called my family back home because I was super distraught. 

The next day, my professor talked to me about the whole situation. It turned out to be the best thing that happened. I ended up going to counseling to work on things and even finally went to the doctor where I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

Hopefully, you're feeling much better. Also, beyond this implicating ordeal, I've cried in front of my undergrad advisor when I got rejected from all Ph.D. programs I applied for the 2014 application cycle. 

 

Sometimes a cry is the best thing to happen. We're human. It's natural for us to do so

[khigh]

I've cried in front of my undergrad advisors quite a bit, actually.  He thought it was a good thing, because would you really be stressing that much or crying if you didn't care? I had one final that I cried all the way through.  It was for a directed reading/independent study, so thankfully I was the only person in the room.  It was a one question final.  The question was "What is the historiography for the Dutch Republic in the 17th Century? Describe in order and in detail." I blanked on names, but could remember the story.  I turned it in with tears streaming down my face and he told me I stressed too much over it because he didn't need the names. 

Let's see. He's seen me cry about grades, family life, extracurricular activities, movie nights for the history club, boyfriend issues, etc.  The one time he got mad was when I cried because another professor wrote that I could be an "arrogant bitch" and "needed to not care so much because [he] doesn't care." He wrote this on my senior seminar paper. That professor was angry because course evals were turned in the week prior and I was very harsh in my criticism. Advisor wasn't mad at me, but at the other professor.  

[8BitJourney]

I have though only  about a life circumstance (was almost homeless, a family member was battling cancer) that exacerbated a heavy school load. Both supervisors have young children so they were used to handling blubbering messes but regardless they're very emphatic (child psychologists) and never made me feel weird about it though I was embarrassed. I actually made sure I asked other students during interview weekend if they felt comfortable crying in front of their advisor; a strong no without a 'i'm not the type to cry' was generally not a good sign for me. 

[ShewantsthePhD101]

I have DEFINITELY cried in front of professors. Multiple times. During my undergrad I had a prof yell at me over an assignment answer he didn't like. I cried. I went through a break-up that I couldn't handle and cried quietly in every class I shared with the guy for a week. In my MA I had a professor suggest I drop out of school, twice. And while I managed to make it through that without crying, when the professor who co-taught the class tried to make me feel better and reassure me I was doing fine, then I broke down. Bawled in his office. It was humiliating. But we're human. It shouldn't be. We should be allowed to just feel what we feel and handle it however as long as we're not harming anyone. I've never had a professor assume my tears were an attempt at manipulation.

[E-P]

During my MA, I had one particular breakdown.  It was a research methods class the second year.  Normally, it's done the first year, but since I was part time, that wasn't an option.  He hadn't given much instruction on the assignment, so I worked really hard and did my best.  As he was going through the assignment, he basically told us that everyone had failed it.  He gave us the correct answer, and I saw that yes, I was SO FAR AWAY from what he wanted that I would be making a 0.

 

I did the math, and realized that I could make a perfect score for the rest of the semester and still get a B.  Fighting back tears, I raised my hand, and asked if that meant we had all failed, and would all - Max - be making Bs?  That was the point where I started crying.

He told us that no, he always did this on the first assignment, and would let us redo it.  I did not stop crying.  In fact, I realized that I was going full on Jessie Spano, and I excused myself from the room and went to the bathroom on a different and sobbed for 10 minutes.  Once I calmed down enough to talk and only have mild hiccup-heaves, I called my spouse and talked myself down for another 20 minutes.  I finally went back to class.  I actually got a few kudos from my fellow students on standing up and saying something, etc.  Which was nice, since I figured that all my upperclassperson "cred" got destroyed.

 

Then, for the next year's class, I made it my mission to tell them about the b-s assignment, and that they'd be confused, everyone would fail, and then he'd explain how to do it and give you another chance.  So that nobody else would have to have my experience.

In case you're wondering, "Did he learn that gaslighting his students isn't cool and stop doing it?"  Nope, no he did not.

[birdy-bear]

The first time I was bit really hard by a client as a Masters student (I work with kids with autism, so I've been bit many, many times since!), I made it through one professor's class on the brink of tears without breaking down, and then totally lost it once I made it to my advisor's class. My advisor saw my breakdown, but she never addressed it, and I thought at the time that it had negatively impacted our professional relationship. I just received word last week that I've been admitted into her lab as a PhD student, which I'm sure she wouldn't have advocated for if she thought I were somehow incompetent or overemotional. To be honest, I think most of my cohort-mates cried in front of a professor at some point during our grad program. Like @pinoysoc said, we're all human. Crying happens to everyone, especially when you factor in the added stressors of grad school. If you can make it through a grad program without breaking down at SOME point, you're either a robot or a very stoic human!

[hats]

This is very common. There have been times when I cried about something trivial; I have much reduced that as I've gotten further into adulthood, and if I could get them to zero, that would be nice. (It would be nice for me; how other people take my emotions is not my first priority.) On the other hand, sometimes something hard really does happen, and I don't think I'll ever totally stop crying when it does—nor do I think I that's something to be ashamed about! I've cried in front of, oh, five? seven? professors since the start of undergrad. I wish I could tell you all of them were cool about it. Most of them have been: "cool about it" does have a range, from the tissues and cookies to the more 'well this is awkward, but also a normal part of human fallibility, so let's get past it and you'll be okay" kind of thing. Unfortunately, I think I am currently dealing with my first professor who is not cool about it, which only adds to the stress level around them. I hope I'm wrong!

[orange turtle]

@Dalmatian I can assure you, like the other people here, that you are not alone. A professor in the department I've only spoken to once noticed I was sad (homesick) the first day of term this year. She asked me how I was and that was when the water works started. I just went right up to her, buried my head in her shoulder, and cried.

I was completely horrified after that. And very embarrassed. She said it was fine as she has a daughter and her daughter cries on her shoulder when she has to go back to school, too.

Her shirt was covered in my tears. I was just so thankful I didn't wear mascara that day. Especially when I've only met this woman once before.

 

[madamoiselle]

I had a professor from Paris once (during my undergrad in Texas), and was warned that the cultural difference between me and him would be a shock. I'm really bubbly and tend to talk a lot, but also take school incredibly seriously. I busted my ass in his course because I needed it to qualify for honors. I worked for hours on a paper, and when we got the drafts back, he had red-inked the entire first section with an X and just the comment "NON!" (no!) A little bit later, he called me after class to scold me for laughing too loudly during a group exercise. I was 19 at the time, really bright-eyed, and I was crushed. I went into the stairwell, called my friend and sobbed. I was late to my next class, with a professor who would end up being one of my thesis advisors (we were super close). She noticed I was a mess and asked if I wanted to talk in her office. 

To this day, I don't think I've cried that hard in front of anybody. I'm talking full-on, blubbering meltdown. Fear I wouldn't get into honors, fear that I picked a stupid major, shame because I left a sick parent to pursue my education, undiagnosed anxiety, and now, a Frenchman had come to destroy my life and send it to hell in a pretty gift-wrapped box. 

Sadly, that French professor would make me cry many more times before I finished undergrad for a variety of awful, sexist comments (he later got dismissed for unrelated, but similar reasons). However, I was really lucky to have other faculty in the department who would reassure me, calm me down and be enthusiastic with me and my endeavors. One of the greatest lessons I learned from that experience was that, as crappy as it is, I couldn't please everybody, even if I worked incredibly hard. I did, however, have to focus on the people who worked well with me and would help me grow through my hard work. Going through academia, this proved to be an indispensable lesson. In addition, because of the stress I was feeling between school and my family, I was re-directed to counseling services and my professors helped me through that process in such a fashion that I have no idea where I would be without them. I have since made it a promise to myself that I would always let students cry in my office or be appropriately honest with me, no judgement.

Crying is great, cathartic and tends to be a turning point in self-realization. Don't fret We're all academics, we're all human and we've all been there!

Edited February 5, 2018 by madamoiselle

[AnxiousNerd]

I was having a really really hard time at home (two deaths, flooded house, pneumonia) and I guess it was showing in my normally cheery attitude. So my favorite professor asked me to come into his office and he said "I just wanted to check that everything is okay" and I just broke down. I was a little embarrassed, but he was very kind and very very encouraging. I think about him a lot. I wrote him a really nice letter when I graduated.

[eeIntern1]

I am surprised, sympathize, and relieved to hear everyone's stories! I too have let my emotions get the best of me and cried when discussing with my one of my undergrad professors regarding recent performance on an exam. It was a professor I had taken three courses with, all of which I was highly interested in and highly motivated to do well in.

His classes were the ones I wanted most of all to succeed in, and I think the pressure I was putting on myself on his exams to excel led me to always do extremely poorly on one exam in each of those classes. In my first course with the professor, I failed the final despite scoring in top scores for entire semester. In my second course with the professor, it was just the material which was hard for me to grasp. In my third course, I was highly interested in the material and was understanding the material as well, but before and during the midterm I was having a panic attack. I needed to do well and each time I was taking the exams I felt the pressure that all my goals depended on performance in this course and this exam. As if, admission to graduate school was directly dependent on my performance on this exam! This behavior and state of mind messed up my midterm horribly. I was incredibly dejected for weeks following and felt like crying every time I stepped into class.

During my discussion with my professor he expressed his high expectations for me because he could tell how much I wanted to learn and my pattern of disappointment on his exams. He joked that I am allergic to him because I do well in all other classes. This overwhelmed me and I cried. It was embarrassing at the time, but I felt crying was the only way I could move past that horrible midterm. After that meeting I was able to regain motivation to finish the class without feeling too embarrassed and horrible about myself every time I entered the class. I was able to complete his course with one of the highest final exam grades, yet I think he only remembers me as a dysfunctional student :/.

Now with this experience, and my current internship I am learning that I cannot care so much about what my mentor or even my professor is thinking about me. I cannot depend on validation from anyone else in order for me to regain strength to complete a task. I need to be able to instill that confidence and resilience in myself so that I can keep trying and working. Not everyone will see your passion or potential and that cannot leave you dejected to the point of being incapable of continued progress. I admit I am still falling into this difficulty at times. I am also learning, it is okay to find something challenging, and we are students for a reason. To truly understand this and believe it takes time, but for now I am at least making the first steps of being conscious of how I need to grow and change my mindset.

[Adelaide9216]

I did not cry in front of a professor, but I did cry in front of a field supervisor at my placement last year in a hospital in the radio-oncology departement.

(PS: I also never cry in front of anyone, not even the therapists I've had in the past! so I totally relate.) You're not alone.