geologyninja13

You need to meet with your DGS. A lot of the answers to your questions and worries will depend on the policies of your particular university and department, and she's the one who would know.

I can tell you that at my school, time spent on official leave would not count against you in terms of 'advancing towards candidacy' time limits. On the other hand, we have very strict limitations on how long you have to finish off an incomplete before the I turns to a permanent F.

As for handing in a whole bunch of work and reminding the department that you've been delinquent: in all honesty, this is throwing up huge red flags for me that shout EXCUSE rather than 'legitimate reason.' It's precisely the kind of self-defeating non-logic that makes perfect sense from the inside and makes everyone else facepalm mightily. Maybe your situation is different, but isn't this something that you would take care of with individual professors? I took one incomplete the first semester of my PhD, and I'm not sure even the DGS ever had any idea. Meet with each individual professor. Find out what you have to do to finish the work for the course. Have them give you a deadline. Get the work done. If you do this (meet w/the profs, I mean) *before* you meet with the DGS, it would probably make you look more serious about catching up.

Have you worked with a therapist or counselor on campus? There's probably someone who specializes in grad student issues and could give you further insight. It honestly seems like you're dealing with a lot of depression/anxiety issues that are perhaps more severe than many but very similar in type.

And, of course, e-mail your adviser. If you want to get started on your diss prospectus, you need to do this. On the other hand, if your relationship with your adviser isn't working out so well, is there someone else you might work with? Someone who could kick your ass a little more? It seems like you might need that if you ever want to finish.

You can't continue to "slip by." You've been trying that. It hasn't worked. You need to reach out to your department.

It is common to have problems settling in for the very first semester. No need to feel embarrassed. You are definitely not the only one, even if you feel this way. You will not be the first student who has ever gone to the graduate advisor for matter like this. He has seen that enough to not think you less of it. So basically, tell him what you wrote here, that you are struggling to catch up with your physics course. Tell him that you have tried meeting with the professor to clarify but you lack the background to understand the lectures. He should be able to point you in the right direction, e.g. drop the course, do a course that equips you with the necessary background. 
Please be reassured that you are not lazy/unmotivated by taking this step to consult your graduate advisor. In fact, it is the opposite. You are proactively trying to make satisfactory progress towards your PhD. It is also not a bad idea to clarify how satisfactory progress is monitored in your program, so you are aware what is expected. 

Hi @ceterisparibus9
Welcome! If you're in good shape nowhere in town is more then a 20 minute bike ride from anywhere else. I'll second Halek, the bus system is OK (but honestly, great for a small town) but runs on the hour and if one bus goes off schedule the entire system starts running late. Good for groceries and general commuting, not great if you urgently need to make a meeting. Downtown can be pretty happening if you keep up with the town's schedule of events, and has a good variety of food and pubs. In addition to being a college town Corvallis is also a retiree town so the tone is a bit classier than you might expect. Grad students gravitate to Squirrels Pub, but Block 15, Sky High Brewing are also local brewpubs. Decent variety of ethnic, american, and "hippy" dining options. I just went to a world-class folk band concert at the Whiteside theater last night, the Majestic theater downtown has plays and performances, and the Darkside Indie cinema usually has a lot going on. Downtown also has three great independent bookstores.

On a slightly different note:

Before my first semester started, I gave myself some time to get my living space well in order. Especially since I had moved across the country to start my program, I had a lot of work to do in terms of acquiring furniture, organizing all my belongings, etc. It was totally time well spent. My living space isn't large, but it's well-organized, functional, and beautiful; it's an optimal environment for getting work done and for relaxing at the end of the day. If you have the time and even a little money to invest in organizing/decorating your living space before school starts in the fall, I strongly encourage you to go for it.

I asked one of the ABD's in my department what she did to survive her first year. She said "I bought a good, comfortable reading chair and a very large bottle of vodka, and made good use of both."

I can give you some advice as to the matter of your threatened eviction. I was a social worker for 10 years and worked at my (then) county's legal aid office.
What housing is threatening you with is both illegal and prejudicial. Your daughter's diagnosed, documented psychiatric conditions may qualify her for APD benefits, if she does not receive those already. Even if she does not qualify for APD benefits, you cannot evict someone as a result of behaviors that stem from a psychiatric illness. That is a violation of the Fair Housing Act, which you can read here: https://www.justice.gov/crt/fair-housing-act-1.
You can afford to lawyer up; here's how: contact your local legal aid office. Their whole existence is based on the fact that people without a lot of financial means need legal services, too. Call them, complete the intake process, attend your appointment, and they will be able to help you with this. 
I have to echo Eigen's remarks: end-of-year or mid-program reviews aren't designed to make you feel good. They don't have to say anything positive about you at all, although many professors or advisors do. The criticism isn't personal and isn't a sign of your being "unwelcome;" it's standard criticism given by mentors whose job it is to prepare you for a career in academia. 
You certainly don't have to answer this question publicly, but it sounds to me like you are under an enormous amount of stress between being a graduate student and a working mother of multiple children, including one with severe psychiatric illness. So my (rhetorical) question is, how are you? Are you receiving any treatment or support for anxiety? Perhaps it would be good to access some support in that aspect.
Please send me a PM if you need any help or have any questions about accessing legal services. I'm happy to do what I can for you.

* there's 1 to 1 billion reasons why

Peanut, I'm sorry that the universe threw you such a crappy dice roll two admissions cycles in a row. There's still hope! I got admitted to 0/2 my first year, 0/5 last year, and 3/4 schools this year.  The good news is that you have time to make yourself that much of a better candidate (and, heck, to through-hike the Appalachian trail if you feel like it). There's been some great advice so far on this thread. I found it most helpful to start a blog on my two involuntary "years off", where writing could force me to think critically about news and scientific papers in my field. The process of writing responses to ideas that caught my eye was a great way to refocus my interest and remind myself why I love my subject. It also showed professors that I was motivated and a halfway decent writer, which doesn't hurt.
You are NOT any less of a brilliant person with great potential because you didn't get into grad school.  There are so many factors that you have no control over.  Maybe the school was swamped with applicants and they "eenie-meenine-minie-moed" which applications to throw out in the first round. Maybe key professors lost their NSF funding and couldn't take on any more students, even if they loved their applications. It's all so random. Take a few weeks to get back into an old hobby, spend time with friends, or anything else that reminds you that you're a competent person no matter what admissions committees thought of a small packet describing your academic life.

Peanut, I'm sorry that the universe threw you such a crappy dice roll two admissions cycles in a row. There's still hope! I got admitted to 0/2 my first year, 0/5 last year, and 3/4 schools this year.  The good news is that you have time to make yourself that much of a better candidate (and, heck, to through-hike the Appalachian trail if you feel like it). There's been some great advice so far on this thread. I found it most helpful to start a blog on my two involuntary "years off", where writing could force me to think critically about news and scientific papers in my field. The process of writing responses to ideas that caught my eye was a great way to refocus my interest and remind myself why I love my subject. It also showed professors that I was motivated and a halfway decent writer, which doesn't hurt.
You are NOT any less of a brilliant person with great potential because you didn't get into grad school.  There are so many factors that you have no control over.  Maybe the school was swamped with applicants and they "eenie-meenine-minie-moed" which applications to throw out in the first round. Maybe key professors lost their NSF funding and couldn't take on any more students, even if they loved their applications. It's all so random. Take a few weeks to get back into an old hobby, spend time with friends, or anything else that reminds you that you're a competent person no matter what admissions committees thought of a small packet describing your academic life.

Hi Wolven, I can sympathize! I'm also an anxious, scatter-brained introvert and the whole grad school application process was out of my comfort zone.
The GRE is very much like the SAT or ACT, and wasn't as scary once I was sitting down taking it. I had to bribe myself through two chapters a weekend of the study manual with chocolates, but I made it.
It looks like you're in a tough place with finances and self-doubt, but I hope you know you are far from alone. Don't compare your worst moments to other people's best ones. I know it sounds cliche, but it's never too late to start a new path.  Even if you've fallen out of contact with your professors, I'm sure they'll be glad to hear from you again. They may or may not be comfortable writing you letters of recommendation, so I agree with the other two posters that you should look into volunteer work.  I volunteered at the US Geological Survey, and got a great recommendation out of it. You could try reaching out to local clinics, autism support groups, and shelters to see if you can work alongside professionals there. This might sound like useless advice if you're working long days, though. Is there any way to change jobs? I have a friend who was in a situation like yours who applied for receptionist positions at clinics now that she's looking in to medicine, just to get into that "world", and has gotten rewarding contacts from working there.
When I was applying to schools I initially set a goal of 2 people contacted per week, via email or telephone. In the fall when I was applying 9and once I had some practice prying myself out of my shell), I amped it up to 4 people per week. These could be recommendation writers, people working in my field, professors doing work I was interested in, or grad schools at my target schools. I would encourage you to apply to more than one school - putting all your eggs in one basket is risky. There are reason completely unrelated to your merit that could cause you to not be accepted, like a program losing funding or your professor-of-interest having a life crisis. If you are in stressed financial circumstances it's possible to ask schools for a waiver for the application fee.
Best luck, and PM me if you need help!

As far as the GRE goes, I don't think you're alone in putting off studying. I bought the books and stuff, but had a really hard time making myself actually use them, and for a while I was concerned that I wouldn't actually apply to graduate school, because I just wouldn't ever get the GRE done. Finally, I just picked an arbitrary date--July 14th, because Bastille Day is easy for me to remember--and registered to take the exam. Having that tangible deadline helped give me the push I needed to actually study. I also highly recommend the Princeton Review book of practice exams. In addition to the book, it gives you access to online practice tests where someone will actually read and score your writing section. I know a lot of people find the ETS PowerPrep exams on the computer helpful, too, but I can't personally vouch for those since I was never able to get the software to run. But long story short, I'd definitely advise biting the bullet and registering. First, it gives you a real, tangible deadline. Second, at that point you've spent the money on the exam, and I can tell you it's painful enough dropping $200 on the GRE once that I was pretty motivated by not wanting to have to do it again.
However, I also recommend taking the GRE early. Like I said, I took mine in July. That way in the event that I hadn't prepared as well as I thought and didn't do well, I would have plenty of time to go back through the prep materials, figure out what weaknesses I needed to fix, and take it again. I think knowing that I had time to do it again if I absolutely had to also helped relieve some of the anxiety.
Personally, I found the application process incredibly daunting and kind of terrifying. Knowing full well that I'm the kind of person who tends to avoid things that scare me and that I'm very good at justifying it, there were times when I felt like I was telling people my plan was to apply to grad school, but I would never actually get it done. I was pretty sure I'd get cold feet and come up with dozens of reasons that I couldn't possibly get the applications done. It's really easy to do, and I ended up applying to fewer schools than I'd originally intended, partially because I did drag my feet a bit. But, I did manage to get applications in. If I managed it, I'm sure you can, too.
First, I'd recommend taking it one step at a time. Take the GRE first. There's a sense of satisfaction in clearing that first hurdle, and once you take the test you'll also have invested some money into the process. I found that helpful--the idea that if I didn't apply all the hours and hundreds of dollars I'd spent on the exam and prep materials would go to waste gave me a bit of a push. Second, reach out to your professors. If you do that early, you can work to reestablish relationships that might have become a bit distant. See if they're open to giving your writing sample a read through. That way, you get feedback, which is great, and they're reacquainted with your work and will be able to write a better letter of recommendation for you. Maybe also try to meet with them to talk about specific programs you want to attend/professors you want to work with. If they're willing to be involved and help you out, their advice will be invaluable. Further, this gives you more accountability. Once you start having these conversations with professors, you have a group of people you respect expecting you to apply. From there, I found it kind of just started snowballing, and by the end of the season, I'd actually applied. I think you'll be surprised how much motivation you can draw from having taken the first step of investing time and money into the process by taking the GRE and then from the accountability that comes from talking to professors and subsequently having people who expect you to apply.
Several years ago, I heard someone say "How do you eat a whole elephant? One bite at a time." The process as a whole seems massive and daunting, but if you can try not to focus so much on the finish line and everything you need to do to get there just yet. Try taking it piece by piece, and I think you'll be surprised at how the momentum starts to build.

No, I'm offended by comments like this one:
 
"who goes into a PhD program and does not expect that they will have to put many things they want on hold, my question is why bother doing it if you are not willing to give your full 100% effort and dedication"
 
This implies that people who have "other things" are not 100% committed to their programs and that's patently false. By your logic, I should have divorced my husband, euthanized my pets, and told my family not to call me for the next 7 years so that I could be a "fully committed" student. And no, clearly you aren't limiting yourself to what you believe is best for yourself, but judging others who do not share your "philosophy" as somehow less likely to be successful than you think you're going to be.
 
And btw, note that I'm not alone in saying that having these other things in my life is vital to my success. Other grad students have posted to say similar things... so really, no, I'm not upset that "others don't share my opinions," because clearly, most other grad students on this thread do.

Just to add some factual basis:

https://www.ilr.cornell.edu/cheri/workingpapers/upload/cheri_wp94.pdf

Marriage and cohabitation is a benefit bit a deterrent to an academic career, for both sexes.

There are other studies that corroborate this.

I'll also argue that hobbues and non romantic relationships make you a better scholar than being a focused recluse.

Criminologist: you seem quite assured of your perspective, but have yet to really explain why. What are your experiences that lead you to believe this is the case? You haven't started your PhD yet, so how are you so sure of what it's like and what it takes to be successful in one?

What I am arguining is not to study all day long, like do all nighters or something. I have never had to that or intend to. I am just saying that a PhD program will require a lot of motivation and effort, and I just don't feel that serious commitments should get in the way that includes non-necessities such as pets, relationships, hobbies, etc.  These things can end up taking up a lot of time and potentially get you off track. They aren't necessary at all for you to do well.

^ Even more important is getting approx. 8 hours of sleep a night. It is very difficult to consolidate your memory without proper amounts of sleep.

This has been my experience as well. My department has an almost weekly happy hour frequented by grad students and faculty. Some people talk about random things (sports, news, etc.), others talk about teaching, others about research. I've found that in some of these small conversations I've gotten great ideas or insights into my research that I hadn't gotten otherwise. Sometimes just being asked to give the 30 second version of your research can force you into thinking about it in a different way or allow someone else to say something you hadn't thought of. Without those conversations, my work would definitely suffer.
 
And yea, I'm one of those people who can't work all the time. Back when I did my comprehensive exams (which were multiple questions over like 10 days), I remember people in my department (mostly those not yet at the exams stage) being surprised that I was still attending the class I was TAing (I was mostly grading but went to every single lecture), working out, and even watching an episode or two of a TV show online. But you know what? You can't work for 16 hours a day for the 10 days without a break. And really, since I was limited to like 25 pages double-spaced per answer, I would've ended up writing way more than I needed if I'd worked that long. Instead, I rode my bike to the gym, worked out with friends (including some who had PhDs and thus totally understood what comps were and why you might need a break), cooked myself real food, etc. It's about knowing what you need to work efficiently and be productive and taking the time to do whatever that is.
 
Back to the original question though:
- Be open and willing to learn.
- If you're in the humanities or social sciences, take the time to just browse the library shelves in your general field and in your intended research area to get an idea of what's been published and what research resources are available to you. (Even better, meet with a librarian early on to make sure you know what your school has and the support s/he can give you.)
- Skim through recent journal issues in your field to get a sense of what topics are current and which are becoming dated. Pay attention to book reviews if there are any and use those to help you find relevant books for your discipline and research area.
- Learn to use reference management software (EndNote, Zotero, Mendeley, etc.) and start keeping track of your references that way.
- Figure out an easy to use system for staying abreast of current/new research in both books and journals that may be of interest.
- Read your graduate handbook (and TA handbook if needed) so you know what is expected of you. Ask questions if expectations are unclear.
- Start figuring out what, if any, courses outside the department you might want to take, how often they're offered, how difficult they are, etc.
- If you're going to need research methods training, figure out how to get that ASAP. In the social sciences, this often means taking courses in qualitative methods, statistics, and/or GIS and seats in those classes can fill because they're attracting students from an array of disciplines. Getting your methods coursework done means you can start collecting data sooner.
- Get to know whomever helps oversee grant apps (NIH, NSF, SSRC, Fulbright, IAF, etc.) at your institution and ask them what you can do beginning now to prepare to apply in the future, when you should be applying, what you'll need to be competitive, etc. And, while you're there, get them to help you set up some alerts for grant announcements.
 
There's probably more you could do, especially related to conferences and networking, but I don't want to overload anyone with suggestions.

It all depends on the environment of your program sometimes. Some programs are competitive and do not do collaborations, while others encourage it and want you to work together. Haha I had quite the grad experience that I will take with me into phd. I had a vice for every semester. One semester, I drank a lot. One semester, I was sleeping around (more than I usually do haha). One semester, I did both. And the last semester, I was a hermit and shut myself off socially.
Tips on taking care of your mental health: first, don't do what I did and have nearly destructive coping habits. Luckily, I didn't drink myself to the point of alcohol poisoning and I managed to maintain my healthy relationships with my long-term partner and other closer cuddle buddies, but I could see that potentially getting destructive if you have an addictive personality. Know how you cope and determine if those can potentially be destructive. If they can, try to find other ways to cope that are constructive like exercise or doing something creative like drawing, painting, coloring, writing (not work related), or seeing shows or something.
Second, find yourself a grad bestie. Cannot stress this one enough. Someone who is going through the same things you are, the one you can vent to about anything, ask for help, ask for favors, basically another you in grad school. It is way easier to go at this as a partnership rather than an every-man-for-themselves sort of deal.
I also echo what was previously said. Please eat and sleep. Write it down in your schedule if you have to. Take full 24 hours to do nothing related to your work. If you are feeling the early stages of burnout, take a break. You will encounter a feeling of "I should be writing" and maybe feel guilty for relaxing. If there is no deadline to it and you don't HAVE to do it for class or anything, then don't do it. Learn to say "no" to things.
Hope that helps!

@kaleembogor, Asian Studies seems to be very different from a standard Management/Business management degree. If it's your passion that motivates you to get up in the morning, I'd say do SOAS if you can afford to! I know here is the USA we desperately need a good perspective on it, I would hope you could find a job along that path here or elsewhere. Later along the road your employer may support you to get a MBA degree if you feel like you need that skill set and can't acquire it on the job. You can even do MBAs remotely while still working though many universities.
If you do want to go to Waterloo for its affordable cost, I saw that the MMsc degree of U of Waterloo is a coursework degree, which wouldn't give you a lot of flexibility to add an Asian spin to things. If you can't afford to live and study in London, maybe you could petition to change to the Masters of Applied Science in management at Waterloo with its thesis option? Then you could focus your thesis on an Asian problem, and possibly ask for a foreign policy/international economics faculty member to be a co-advisor.
At the New School, it looks like you would have five elective credits to take, if they have any courses on Asian studies.
Did you get financial aid from any of the programs? If not, The New School might be really pricey if it's not what you're passionate about, rent in NYC is a minimum of $1,200 per month unless you want to share a rat-infested shoebox.

Hi! For those on the forum outside your academic field, what is SOAS?
I'm struggling with deciding where to go for my masters degree too, so I made a comparison table - each school has a column and then in the rows I compare things like funding, advisors, campus life, departmental strengths, etc. Maybe that could help you as well? I know I was overwhelmed by the amount of factors that go into this decision, and I can imagine that you are too! It's so hard for another person to tell you where you should go, especially if we don't know your background, research interests, or goals for your degree (you mentioned a career, what are you aiming for? ) I could send you a copy of my table if you'd like.
~Courtney

Hi! For those on the forum outside your academic field, what is SOAS?
I'm struggling with deciding where to go for my masters degree too, so I made a comparison table - each school has a column and then in the rows I compare things like funding, advisors, campus life, departmental strengths, etc. Maybe that could help you as well? I know I was overwhelmed by the amount of factors that go into this decision, and I can imagine that you are too! It's so hard for another person to tell you where you should go, especially if we don't know your background, research interests, or goals for your degree (you mentioned a career, what are you aiming for? ) I could send you a copy of my table if you'd like.
~Courtney

You could always just eat like 300-400 calories less per day if it's such an issue for you.

I came here because I have an offer from FIU, and honestly as a fat woman I'm a little worried about that. 

Great to know this is not a space where I can talk about those worries.



ALSO, WHERE TF WERE THE MODS ON THIS THREAD?

Well, the OP logged on asking for advice on which campuses might be more accommodating--not to be "concern-trolled" on how to lose weight. I'm sure that she knows where to find advice for weight loss. The internet is pretty big. And I've never met a fat person who was completely surprised by a) the fact that they were fat, or b. the fact that being fat isn't healthy. The world pretty much makes sure that they know this.

Hi Sneaky Monkey, in your shoes I think I would go with San Francisco State. If you want to get into a PhD program it will be SO IMPORTANT to have research experience in your given field, and it sounds like SFSU could give you some really good skill sets. If your academic passion links up with professors' specialties it will be a lot easier for them to write the kind of glowing, specific rec letters that will get you into a PhD program, and also for you to make contacts among their network of colleagues doing similar work.
Good luck deciding!

Oh, you deserve to be tired and upset. Don't take anything I said to mean that you shouldn't take some time to heal. The application process can be long and very much anxiety inducing. Take your time, you need and deserve it. And good luck.