Ennue

Before I came to grad school I had set the rule for myself that I wouldn't date within the department. However, as fuzzy said, romance can creep up on you, which is what happened for me, and I've now been dating another student in my program for 8.5 months.
Some tips:
- Take it slow... Very slow. I started crushing on my boyfriend my second month here. We didn't start dating until my fifth month here, and I still consider that kind of quick. Take the time to get to know the other person, to figure out if you're really compatible, if there could be a future for you. Dating within the department can work if you're both looking for a long term relationship, but if one of you is just looking for a short fling it could create too much drama.
- My boyfriend and I share very few classes, because he's a few years ahead of me in the program. I think that's worked to our benefit - sharing all your classes could be too intense.
- On the other hand, make sure that no situation will arise where one of you is TA for the other, or if that can happen in the future that there's a way to work around it (i.e. flexibility in coursework, etc)
- Don't overshare with colleagues. I have to watch myself with this, I'm a very talkative person! But try not to talk about your relationship on campus until you've been dating for a bit and know that it might go somewhere. And I admit, I actually enjoyed the sneaking around for our first month or two
- Don't share with professors. It is none of their business - so don't make it into their business. We didn't share our relationships status with faculty at all until this summer, and we definitely won't share drama with them. It's good to not share personal drama with professors anyway, but it might take more work to keep things private when all your offices are on the same floor - put in that work.

Finally, with regards to this:

I asked him out. It's 2012. Just saying.

It's wonderful if it works out but could be terrible if it doesn't. What were your past breakups like? That's a good indication of what the future will look like - do you get into a lot of drama? can you stay in touch with your ex? how about see him on a regular basis? be friends with him? If you date a colleague and it doesn't work out, you'll still have to see him around the office on a daily basis. You'll have joint friends and you'll see him at events, maybe even take classes with him. so you need to ask yourself if that's something you can live with. That said, romance has a way of creeping up on you when you least expect it and if it ends up being a colleague you may find that you have many shared interests and a similar view of life. There are many couples in academia, so there's clearly something that works about dating a colleague.

The Top 10 Reasons Why I want a PhD:

1. So I can play doctor with girls.

2. I have this cool frame that a diploma would fit perfectly in.

3. I have 5 years on my hands with nothing else to do.

4. I like getting student discounts at the movies and on magazine subscriptions.

5. I am addicted to the Grad Cafe and it would be weird to lurk here without being a grad student.

6. I spent $160 on the stupid GRE exam - so I am pretty committed financially.

7. I really wanted to be a post-doc but they told me I need to be a doc first.

8. I look really good in a six-cornered cap.

9. I thought a P.H.D. stood for a Pizza Hut Driver

10. I did it for the health insurance.

Do NOT use an old book. You will be screwing yourself. On the subject test that I took in psychology, I recall several of the questions asking about current trends in the field, and these are some of the questions I screwed up on because I didn't think the test would go there, but it does. You need something that is current, or you will be seriously hurting yourself on the exam. My own method was to refresh with notes from my courses and to peruse a current psychology 101 textbook.

Hello,

It is difficult to tell you exactly what is in the packet because it may be different from one school to another. However, I think it is most likely that you will receive the I-20 and some documents detailing your school's instructions for newly admitted students, for example the next steps you need to do to apply for a Visa, your arrival at the university, health insurance, etc. So with that packet in hands, you will know the next things you need to do, among which the most crucial one is to secure a Visa.

And yes, you may want to start getting your passport, transcripts, and financial proof ready for your Visa application. Everything related to this process you can easily find on the UK-based US embassy's website.

Good luck!

alleykat

I haven't done this, but my advice is this: it can be fine to room with someone from your program if you already know them, e.g. sometime after your first year, and you don't have exactly the same classes and the same office. I definitely wouldn't recommend rooming with someone you don't know yet your first year. You'll need a place to blow off steam, and it would be nice if 'home' was that place. Also, being roommates comes with its own challenges and irritations, and you don't want your need for clean dishes or their precise accounting of who paid for what to influence your grad school life!

I haven't done this, but my advice is this: it can be fine to room with someone from your program if you already know them, e.g. sometime after your first year, and you don't have exactly the same classes and the same office. I definitely wouldn't recommend rooming with someone you don't know yet your first year. You'll need a place to blow off steam, and it would be nice if 'home' was that place. Also, being roommates comes with its own challenges and irritations, and you don't want your need for clean dishes or their precise accounting of who paid for what to influence your grad school life!

To be fair, I said "girlfriend". They're still good for one night stands and friends with benefits. Also, I guess graduate engineering guys have their fair share of issues too, but these are more on the side of introversion and shyness. Nothing that some lifestyle changes can't fix.

This is rapidly going down the rabbit hole. I'm not aiming to be mean or insensitive, I'm just finding this sequence hard to treat credibly.

Folks have given you very reasonable advice for the problem you presented in the opening post. Follow it or don't.

What you are bringing up now is a new and more serious issue, which is whether you and your prof do not have effective professional boundaries. But based this whole series of posts, you seem to be reading a whole lot into this guy (paraphrasing, 'hurt/fearful expression' from opening post, "he is possessive of me" above). It is hard to tell whether there is a problem here, or if you are making something out of nothing. Your tendency towards hyperbole, tangents, and social awkwardness in these posts makes me suspect the latter.

However, if your prof actually is treating you possessively and looking/speaking to you inappropriately, you need to take this up right away with your University ethics panel or department chair. If you have an ombudsman you could talk to him/her in confidence first to confirm that others perceive this situation the same way you do, and you aren't about to drag both of you into an unpleasant situation.

I don't know if he is reluctant or not. You're making him out to seem like a bad person. It seemed like he really liked you. I think he was just a little confused because you went by it awkwardly and because you told him you did want to stay to pursue a PhD. To get information about the procedure for obtaining a LOR you could have just informally asked him in conversation something along the lines of "if I ever plan to apply to another institution and I needed a LOR, would you be able to write one for me and how long in advance should I notify you?"

Okay, well first of all, if you do have plans to apply elsewhere, you should probably tell your supervisor the truth, because it does sound like you and him have a good relationship. You should at least not say you plan on staying when you aren't planning on staying. Lying will not help you get a good reference letter. If you are uncomfortable answering, maybe it's better to say that you are not sure.

Secondly, it's hard to ask for someone to write you a letter before you do the work that will result in a letter. Unless you have information otherwise, you should assume that everyone is willing to write you a letter and the quality of that letter depends on how you performed while working for them. The other students told you that the prof writes good letters. You say you have a good relationship with him, so all signs point to you getting a letter from him, but AFTER you've finished.

Finally, I think it's very strange that there are some places that will take a old reference letter, but I guess it's possible. Most other schools will want a recent reference letter, and your prof is going to put a date on the letter. They may be suspicious as to why you are handing in a letter that is 1+ years old instead of getting a recent one. Also, I'm sure your prof was happy to hear that you were staying for your PhD, but since it does sound like he respects what you do, he isn't going to try to sabotage your chances elsewhere. Well, at least it doesn't sound this way from what you've said. I don't think it's fair to assume that the prof will do this unless you have a good reason to, and if you do have a good reason to, then you shouldn't work with this guy!

It sounds like what you are doing is hurting your chances of a good reference letter and also your reputation at your school. But it does sound like a big misunderstanding. I would advise you to explain to the prof that you misunderstood how reference letters work and that you actually want to consider other places for PhD. You can say that his question caught you by surprise the first time, but after thinking about it further, you want to keep options open. People will respect your choice because there are many factors that determine where you want to do a PhD. You should probably say that you hope he will be able to write you a letter if you do end up applying at other places, but you don't need one right now.

I say this because there is a risk that you appear to just want to work in the lab to get a reference letter and that's all you care about. This probably will not be received well, and I think you should try to clear up the misunderstanding, somehow.

I'm not surprised to hear you guys discussing the importance of good appearance (and the confidence that comes with that), as important in making a nice first impression. I'm a fastidiously clean guy, but I'm not exactly fashionable; whatever clothes are closest to my grasp are the ones I wear. I'll start to give a bit more thought to how I dress (maybe track pants and a button down shirt aren't the best combination).

By the way, I did decide to give OkCupid a try, especially since it's summer and there's less opportunity to meet people on campus now. It's only been a week, so can't judge the site yet, but a rather amusing thing happened. I messaged a girl who seemed interesting, and she replied back. We started chatting online, and when I asked her which university she goes to, she told me that she dropped out of school to take care of her sick mom. Obviously I offered my sympathies, but then she told me that she's doing a nude webcam show to raise money for her mom's health bills, and asked me to watch her perform. Oh, and she also said that I needed to register for a free account on a website to see her, and that, although registration would require my credit card information, it was simply for age verification and that I wouldn't be charged.

Fortunately for me, I'm not a pervert, and I'm quite bright enough not to be fleeced, let alone by a scam as glaringly obvious as this one. I told her that I didn't have my credit card with me, but that I'm a Nigerian prince, so if she sent me her bank account information, I would transfer a fortune over to her. Needless to say, she disappeared rather abruptly. I wonder how many people have been scammed by her by now, and if "she" is really a hairy old man. Who knows who actually lurks behind those profiles. At any rate, even if I find nobody on OkCupid, at least the entertainment quotient has been high!

Everybody can understand 'Miffy went to the zoo'. There have to be things that are difficult to understand (i.e. which require good reading comprehension), because otherwise everybody will get the same score.

Maybe this advice doesn't appeal to you, but I'd say: for now, don't focus on finding someone to spend the rest of your life with. Just look for a fun night. Get drunk and kiss someone at a party. Once you get that initial 'Oh my god I have no experience at all' out of the way other things (like asking someone you genuinely like out) may get easier!

Maybe this advice doesn't appeal to you, but I'd say: for now, don't focus on finding someone to spend the rest of your life with. Just look for a fun night. Get drunk and kiss someone at a party. Once you get that initial 'Oh my god I have no experience at all' out of the way other things (like asking someone you genuinely like out) may get easier!

About your dog: I think that depends entirely on you and your program. I am in a social science program where the majority of my analysis and writing can be done from home, and I prefer to work from home or from a library (as opposed to my cube in the windowless cube farm). When I was taking classes I was generally there from 9-6 or so, but now that my coursework is finished I am rarely at the school itself. I go for meetings, seminars, interesting kinds of things and I do most of my work remotely. My time is verrry flexible, and if my building didn't prohibit it I would get a dog in a heartbeat. Another thing to keep in mind: a dog can be a great comfort when you're all stressed out over graduate school.

Advice?

Age:
-Don't feel like you have nothing to offer just because you are younger. I was 22 when I started graduate school. You got accepted to the program for a reason, and chances are you are just as equipped as any older students are to successfully complete the program, just in a different way.

-Your older classmates may be just as terrified as you. Talk to them. You have a lot in common. You are, after all, in the same place.

-You will feel like an imposter, like you don't belong, or like you are constantly behind. Or all three. It's normal. It will pass. (Well, sort of.) People of all ages go through this.

Adviser related:
-If you are lucky enough to get both research interest fit and personality fit perfect, congratulations! But sometimes, personality fit is more important than research interest fit as long as the research isn't too different. A great adviser is interested in your career development, likes you as a person, advocates for you, and wants to hear your ideas. Even if his or her research is quite different from yours, they may give you the autonomy to work on your own projects and just supervise you. A bad personality fit will drive you nuts, even if you love his or her research. Consider that when evaluating your adviser fit. (This will vary by field: research fit may be less important in the humanities, more important in the natural and physical sciences. Social sciences are somewhere in-between.)

-Don't be afraid to be straight up blunt with your adviser when it comes to asking about your progress. Ask if you are where you should be both academic program wise and getting-a-job-after-this-mess-wise.

-Be proactive. Advisers love when you draw up an agenda for your one-on-one meetings, come with talking points and progress to share, have concrete questions to ask, and have overall shown that you have been thoughtful and taken control of your own program. Of course, this won't immediately come easily to you, but in time you will work up to it. Every semester I type up my semester goals, and at the beginning of the year I type up annual goals. I show them to my adviser and we talk about whether they are too ambitious, or whether I need to revise them, and how I can meet them.

-Don't expect your adviser to actually know what courses you have to take to graduate. They will know about comprehensive exams and the dissertation, but a lot of professors don't really keep up with the course requirements, especially if their program is in flux. Get you a student handbook, and find out what you need to take. Map it out in a grid, and check off things when you finish them. Show this to your adviser every semester. You may have to explain how such and such class fills a requirement.

-Nobody loves you as much as you, except your mother. Keep this in mind as you take in advice from all sources, including your adviser. Your adviser is there to guide you, but that doesn't mean you have to do everything he says.

Studying:
-You will have to read more than you ever did before, in less time than you ever have before, and you will be expected to retain more than you ever have before. The way that you studied in undergrad may need some tweaking. Be prepared for this.

-Corollary: you may find that your methods change with age or interests or time. I preferred to study alone in college, but in grad school, I prefer to study in groups. It keeps me on task and the socialization keeps me motivated. You may find that you shift from being a more auditory learner to a visual learner or whatever.

-You will feel behind at first. This is normal.

-At some point you will realize that your professors don't actually expect you to read everything they assign you. This, of course, will vary by program, but there will be at least one class where the reading is actually impossible to do in one week. The point is to read enough that you know the major themes and can talk intelligently about them, and then pick some of the readings to really dig into and think more deeply about.

-For most programs, don't worry so much about grades. If you stay on top of your work and do what you're supposed to, you will probably get an A. How much grades matter varies from program to program. In some programs, a B is a signal that you are not up to par, and more than a few Bs will warrant a discussion with your adviser or the DGS. My program isn't like that - A, B, it's all meaningless. My adviser doesn't even know what my grades are. But at almost all programs, a C means you need to retake the course, and two Cs means you have to convince the DGS not to kick you out.

Extracurricular activity: What's that? No, seriously:
-A lot of your time will be unstructured. You will have coursework, but most grad classes meet once a week for two hours and you may have three classes. You may have meetings with your adviser every so often and some seminars or things to catch (like we have grand rounds and colloquia that are required), but a lot of time will be unstructured. However, since you have so much more work than you had in undergrad, you actually will have less free time than you had in undergrad. This may initially cause you great anxiety. It did for me. Some people love unstructured time, though. (I don't.)

-Because of this, you'll have to be planful about your non-grad school related stuff.

-TAKE TIME OFF. DO it. It's important for your mental health. However you do it doesn't matter. Some people work it like a 9-5 job. Some people take a day off per week (me) and maybe a few hours spread across the week. Some people work half days 7 days a week. However you do it, there needs to be a time when you say "f this, I'm going to the movies."

-Find your happy place, something that keeps you the you you were when you came in. I love working out. It gives me energy and I feel good. I stay healthy. I also love reading fiction, so sometimes I just curl up with a good book, work be damned. You have to give yourself permission to not think about work, at least for a couple of hours a week. You may also discover new hobbies! (I never worked out before I came to graduate school.)

-Your work will creep into all aspects of your life, if you let it. This is why I hate unstructured time. You will feel guilty for not doing something, because in graduate school, there is ALWAYS something you can do. ALWAYS. But since there will always be more work, there's no harm in putting it aside for tomorrow, as long as you don't have a deadline.

-You may need to reach outside of your cohort for a social life. None of my close friends are in my doctoral cohort. I've met master's students in my program, master's students in other programs, and I know a few non-graduate students I hang out with, too. Go to graduate student mixers. (If your university doesn't have any, organize some, if you like planning parties.) Join a student group that doesn't take up too much time. I had a doctoral acquaintance who kinda laughed at me because I joined some student groups other than the doctoral student one, and I was usually the only doctoral student in those groups, but I met some close friends (and future job contacts) and had a good time.

-DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR WANTING A LIFE OUTSIDE OF GRADUATE SCHOOL. This is paramount. This is important. You are a well-rounded, complex, multifaceted human being. NEVER feel bad for this. Everybody wants some kind of life outside of work. Yes, you may loooove your field, but that doesn't mean you want to do it all day long. Some other doctoral students, and perhaps professors, may make you feel bad about this. Don't let them. Just smile and nod. Then disappear when you need to.

Career:
-This is job preparation. Remember that from Day One. Always be looking for ways to enhance your skills. Read job ads and find out what's hot in your field, what's necessary, what's in demand. For example, in my field statistics and methods are a hot commodity, and they're not a passing fad. I happen to really like statistics and methods, so I have pursued that as a concentration of mine.

-Don't be afraid to take on volunteer work and part-time gigs that will give you skills that will be useful both inside academia and out, as long as it's not against your contract. Your adviser may be against it, but he doesn't have to know as long as it doesn't interfere with your work.

-If you want to work outside of academia - if you are even *considering* the possibility - please please definitely do the above. Even if you aren't considering it, consider the possibility that you won't get a tenure-track job out the box and that you may need to support yourself doing something else for a while. You will have to prove to employers that you have developed usable, useful skills and this is one of the easiest ways to do it. But don't overdo it - get the degree done.

-For more academic related ones - always look for opportunities to present and publish. Presentations look good on your CV. Publications look better. When you write seminar papers, wonder if you can publish them with some revision. Write your seminar papers on what you maybe think you may want to do your dissertation on. Even if you look at them three years later and think "these suck," you can at least glean some useful references and pieces from them. Discuss publication with your adviser early and often, and if you have the time and desire, seek out publication options with other professors and researchers. But if you commit to a project, COMMIT. You don't want to leave a bad impression.

-If you can afford it, occasionally go to conferences even if you aren't presenting. You can network, and you can hear some interesting talks, and you may think about new directions for your own research. You can also meet people who may tell you about jobs, money, opportunities, etc.

-Always try to get someone else to pay for conference travel before you come out of pocket. Including your adviser. Do not be shy about asking if he or she can pay. If he can't, he'll just say no. Usually the department has a travel fund for students, but often it's only if you are presenting.

-If you are interested in academia, you should get some teaching experience. There are two traditional ways to do this: TAing a course, and teaching as a sole instructor. If you can help it, I wouldn't recommend doing a sole instructor position until you are finished with coursework. Teaching takes a LOT of time to do right. You should definitely TA at least one course, and probably a few different ones. But don't overdo it, if you can help it, because again, it takes a LOT of time. More than you expect at the outset. If you are in the humanities, I think sole instructor positions are very important for nabbing jobs so when you are in the exam/ABD phase, you may want to try at least one. If your own university has none, look at adjuncting for nearby colleges, including community colleges. (I would wager that the majority of natural science/physical science students, and most social science students, have never sole taught a class before they get an assistant professor job. At least, it's not that common n my field, which straddles the social and natural sciences.)

-Always look for money. Money is awesome. If you can fund yourself you can do what you want, within reason. Your university will be thrilled, your adviser will be happy, and you can put it on your CV. It's win-win-win! Don't put yourself out of the running before anyone else has a chance to. Apply even if you think you won't get it or the odds are against you (they always are), as long as you are eligible. Apply often. Apply even if it's only $500. (That's conference travel!) Money begets money. The more awards you get, the more awards you will get. They will get bigger over time. If you are in the sciences and social sciences, you should get practice writing at least one grant. You don't have to write the whole thing, but at least get in on the process so that you can see how it's done. Grant-writing is very valuable both in and outside of graduate school.

-Revise your CV every so often. Then look and decide what you want to add to it. Then go get that thing, so you can add it.

-The career office at big universities is often not just for undergrads. I was surprised to learn that my career center offers help on CV organization and the academic job search, as well as alternative/non-academic career searches for doctoral students. In fact, there are two people whose sole purpose it is to help PhD students find nonacademic careers, and they both have PhDs. This will vary by university - some universities will have very little for grad students. Find out before you write the office off.

-It's never too early to go to seminars/workshops like "the academic job search inside and out", "creating the perfect CV," "getting the job," etc. NEVER. Often the leader will share tips that are more aimed towards early graduate students, or tidbits that are kind of too late for more advanced students to take care of. This will also help you keep a pulse on what's hot in your field. It'll help you know what lines you need to add to your CV. And they're interesting.

Other:

-Decide ahead of time what you are NOT willing to sacrifice on the altar of academia. Then stick to it.
I'm serious. If you decide that you do NOT want to sacrifice your relationship, don't. If it's your geographical mobility, don't. I mean, be realistic, and realize that there will always be trade-offs. But you have to think about what's important to you for your quality of life, and realize that there is always more to you than graduate school.

-If you don't want to be a professor, do not feel guilty about this. At all. Zero. However, you will have to do things differently than most doctoral students. Your adviser will probably never have worked outside of the academy (although this may vary depending on the field) so he may or may not be able to help you. But you have a special mission to seek out the kinds of experiences that will help you find a non-academic job. Test the waters with your adviser before you tell him this. My adviser was quite amenable to it, but that's because I told him that my goal was to still do research and policy work in my field just not at a university, AND because it's quite common in my field for doctoral students to do non-academic work. If you're in a field where it's not common (or where your professors refuse to believe it's common, or it's not supposed to be common)…well, you may be a little more on your own.

-Every so often, you will need to reflect on the reasons you came to graduate school. Sometimes, just sit and think quietly. Why are you doing this to yourself? Do you love your field? Do you need this degree to do what you want to do? Usually the answer is yes and yes, and usually you'll keep on trucking. But sometimes when the chips are down you will need to reevaluate why you put yourself through this in the first place.

-To my great dismay, depression is quite common in doctoral students. Graduate work can be isolating and stressful. Luckily your health insurance usually includes counseling sessions. TAKE THEM if you need them. Do not be ashamed. You may be surprised with who else is getting them. (I found out that everyone in my cohort, including me, was getting mental health counseling at a certain point.) Exercise can help, as can taking that mental health day once a week and just chilling. Don't be surprised if you get the blues…

-…but be self-aware and able to recognize when the depression is clouding your ability to function. Doctoral programs have a 50% attrition rate, and this is rarely because that 50% is less intelligent than, less motivated than, less driven than, or less ambitious than the other 50% that stays. Often they realize that they are ridiculously unhappy in the field, or that they don't need the degree anymore, or that they'd rather focus on other things in life, or their interests have changed. All of this is okay!

-You will, at some point, be like "eff this, I'm leaving." I think almost every doctoral student has thought about dropping out and just kicking this all to the curb. You need to listen to yourself, and find out whether it is idle thought (nothing to worry about, very normal) or whether you are truly unhappy to the point that you need to leave. Counseling can help you figure this out.

-Don't be afraid to take a semester or a year off if you need to. That's what leaves of absence are for.

Lastly, and positively…

…graduate school is great! Seriously, when else will you ever have the time to study what you want for hours on end, talk to just as interested others about it, and live in an intellectual community of scholars and intellectuals? And occasionally wake up at 11 am and go to the bank at 2 pm? Sometimes you will want to pull out all of your hair but most of the time, you will feel fulfilled and wonderfully encouraged and edified. So enjoy this time!

Maybe this advice doesn't appeal to you, but I'd say: for now, don't focus on finding someone to spend the rest of your life with. Just look for a fun night. Get drunk and kiss someone at a party. Once you get that initial 'Oh my god I have no experience at all' out of the way other things (like asking someone you genuinely like out) may get easier!

Maybe this advice doesn't appeal to you, but I'd say: for now, don't focus on finding someone to spend the rest of your life with. Just look for a fun night. Get drunk and kiss someone at a party. Once you get that initial 'Oh my god I have no experience at all' out of the way other things (like asking someone you genuinely like out) may get easier!

The response from people I don't know very well:
Them: "Wow, the US!"
Me: "Yep, the US!"
Them: "And for how long is that? One year? Two?"
Me: "Five. Theoretically."
Them: "Five... (indefinite shocked silence, while they carefully back away)"

occasional gradcafe lurker here, who started an account after reading this topic...

I'll also play the online dating story game. My first semester of grad school (and first semester TA-ing), several of my undergraduate students found my okcupid profile. okcupid lets you see people who have recently viewed your profile - I had a sudden influx of 18-22 year olds living in the town in which my school is located. I didn't click through to any of their profiles, but recognized them all from their pictures. I deleted my profile immediately and haven't created one since (and am somewhat upset about this, as online dating really is a great way to meet new people).

Needless to say, this created quite a few problems. I didn't have anything too scandalous on my profile, but it was (obviously) far more personal and less professional than my demeanor in the classroom. I felt like I lost some amount of authority as an instructor, as these students were clearly trying not to laugh during subsequent classes (and I have no idea how many students in the class they told). One of these students started sending me highly inappropriate emails, which I then had to report - it was a mess.

...bottom line, if you will be TA-ing or interacting with undergraduates, think very hard about whether you want to have an online dating profile - and if you choose to do so, be extremely careful about what you put on your profile. (Seriously, I had little beyond my sexual orientation/gender identity (which did out me as queer to these students - not something I was trying to hide, but something I would have preferred to share in a different way), age, favorite movies, things I like to do, etc. - but that still affected me very negatively)

I'm doing a phd program at a public university with 5 years guaranteed funding - I must be smoking hot!

I'm doing a phd program at a public university with 5 years guaranteed funding - I must be smoking hot!

"The escape I dreamed of is only an illusion. Airy academia will not save me from the grind of being an adult. Rather than magic citadels where you can weather the recession and mute its related stresses, Grad School is now part of a larger calculation—one in which love of learning defers to crummy real-world concerns, just like in the rest of post-college life."

What does her definition of "crummy real-world concerns" entail, exactly? My examples of that would include plenty of things my cohort and I still cope with - classmates who are parents of small children, friends struggling with extreme medical conditions, the uniquely academic issue of long-distance relationships (4 in my cohort). And my windshield got cracked last week. Is academia supposed to insulate you from all that?

If Grad Cafe is responsible for dispelling her naive illusions about academia, I say that is a win!

You are obviously aware that the distance has the potential to wreak havoc on your relationship, and have already indicated in your post that you have no intention of breaking things off with him, so I'm not going to give you the usual "don't do it" bit.

First, you need to know and believe that it's totally possible to survive a long distance relationship; I did it myself for several years and am now engaged. It's obviously difficult and emotionally taxing, but if you go into a LDR with doubts, or constantly question whether or not you'll be together in the end, that negativity will slowly seep into the foundation of your relationship and it will fester. Don't even bother thinking about what may or may not be 5-6 years from now; you're not Miss Cleo and you'll only drive yourself crazy trying to predict the future. Keep focused on your relationship in the present--enjoy it for what it is now, and nurture it now to enjoy it later. It really is that simple.

You also need to communicate. A lot. No matter how much work I had on my plate, 11:00p.m-1:00a.m each night was reserved for my guy. The scheduled conversations not only gave me something to look forward to each day, but it also helped me keep focused on my studies because I knew that I needed to finish my daily tasks by a certain time. We obviously didn't restrict ourselves only to this time frame--things do come up every now and then--but we tried to stick with it as much as possible. Sometimes, we would plan to do the same activity, such as watch the same movie, or read the same book, so that we could keep our conversations fresh and interesting. This also helped to detract attention away from the fact that we couldn't be together.

Speaking of communication, be self-aware, flexible, and forgiving. Miscommunications are bound to happen when your only means of connecting is through e-mail, phone, skype, etc, and it is all the more easy to allow that miscommunication to turn into a lover's quarrel. Be aware of your words, and always keep in mind that the LDR is difficult on BOTH of you, not just you, so do what you can to also understand your partner's needs. Remember: we all want to be right, but the only way to have two winners is to compromise.

Visit often, and just enough. The first days of a visit are awesome. The last day sucks. The last day can suck a little bit less if you know when your next visit will be. Plan your visits so that you can see your partner regularly, but don't go broke or sacrifice your grades as a result. My partner was on the west coast while I attended school on the east coast, so tickets were several hundred dollars each visit. I tried to visit once a month, which worked out pretty well for us. There was one semester that I wasn't able to go home at all until the end of the term, though. That was a really, really, tough semester to get through.

Be committed. This is a no brainer, but you both need to be on the same page and committed to the relationship. Discuss, set, and mutually agree upon the rules and expectations for your relationship before you leave.

Lastly, be mentally prepared for the possibility that this may not work out. Every relationship has the potential to fail, but the added stress of LDRs inreases the likelihood. If you're going to go forward with an LDR, you need to understand and accept that your partner (or you) can walk away from the relationship at any time, for any reason. There is no way that you can prepare for this, and there is no way for you to know whether or not this will happen to you. But the sooner you accept the risk, the sooner you can get on with enjoying the relationship for what it currently is (this goes hand-in-hand with my first suggestion).

Hope this helps. If not, you're certainly free to ignore it

I'm always confused by these questions...In short, yes you can. Will you? Who knows. Will you meet a cute suitable mate while shopping at Walmart? Maybe? Depends on so many things.