Finding (and Keeping) a Male Partner as a Successful Female Grad Student

[HKK]

I would love advice and perspectives from both males and females on this one.

I'm currently in a relationship with a great guy. He's applying to graduate school this fall, whereas I am finishing up my second year. I'm also currently at a top 5 program in my discipline with full funding, I just received an NSF GRFP, I have a prestigious internship this summer, and I finished my masters thesis a semester early. By most measures in my department I am considered highly successful. The fact that our grad school trajectories haven't matched up has been hard, and we've been long distance for a year. Things are still going well, and he applied to a bunch of schools nearby... but with the market the way it is, he's only gotten one offer so far. And to be honest.... it's practically slave wages. He's already got quite a few loans from undergrad (I have none) and I am very hesitant about him taking out more that he would need to survive. I'm not sure what his next move is at this point, and things are really up in the air.

Although things have been good up until now, it's hard for me to relate or give my boyfriend advice about his graduate career. Sometimes I worry that he will resent my success some day. At this rate, the way things are going, he would be the trailing spouse, the spousal hire. This is a reality that would be impossible for me to cope with, but I'm not sure he thinks of success the same way I do.

So my question is... how do other people cope with success differentials in a relationship? And to my male colleagues, would you honestly be comfortable with a partner who is more successful than you are in the long run? I'm a social scientist, I can take the reality, so don't be afraid to be truthful guys.

[coyabean]

Ok, I'm not a guy so feel free to discount everything I say. It wouldn't be the first time. :/

With that said I am stumped by the idea of "keeping" someone. What, exactly, does that entail? As you have described it this wonderful boyfriend doesn't require keeping. And even if he did I am of the belief that a person can only keep themselves.

Also, it looks like you are borrowing trouble. Based solely on what you have said here the boyfriend is not resentful or feeling like the loser to your superstar. If he doesn't feel that way why worry about what might never happen?

And back to this "keeping" thing and your success. Would you want to keep someone while managing a successful career? The way I imagine it in practice keeping actually sounds like a job unto itself. I imagine you mean something like how do I not let my awesomeness dwarf my boyfriend's meager, by comparison, accomplishments, right? Well, you don't. You don't and you can't because what you accomplish is just that -- an accomplishment. It is not a judgment or a feeling or an indictment. How you interpret those accomplishments through your words and actions and how your boyfriend interprets your accomplishments makes an issue. And there's not much you can do to prevent someone from internalizing something short of not having that something. So, if you are prepared to accomplish less to prevent any hypothetical perception of failure your boyfriend might one day experience then be prepared to do that. But be aware that even doing that won't prevent him from feeling spiteful or jealous. Not to mention accomplishing less or pretending like your accomplishments don't exist sounds less like "keeping" him and more like keeping yourself, the only person, after all, over which any of us have any control.

Edited April 14, 2010 by coyabean

[Jae B.]

Although things have been good up until now, it's hard for me to relate or give my boyfriend advice about his graduate career. Sometimes I worry that he will resent my success some day. At this rate, the way things are going, he would be the trailing spouse, the spousal hire. This is a reality that would be impossible for me to cope with, but I'm not sure he thinks of success the same way I do.

^… Are you sure you aren't upset with his being less successful than you? You haven't said anything to indicate he is actually resentful of you. But it sounds like his unfinished schooling and loans could hold you back and detract from the success you've had.

I'd carefully consider the following:

1) Has he sacrificed some of his success to help you be successful? (Major time commitments, money, etc.?) Since your relationship is currently long distance (ouch, been there...), the answer may be no. But think about the past.

2) How might success be different for you two, and what different challenges do you face? Different fields, goals, etc.?

3) Are your future goals compatible, and might he catch up to you in some way?

4) What is his attitude about this, and does it help or hurt you?

Good luck to you!

[HKK]

^… Are you sure you aren't upset with his being less successful than you? You haven't said anything to indicate he is actually resentful of you. But it sounds like his unfinished schooling and loans could hold you back and detract from the success you've had.

I'd carefully consider the following:

1) Has he sacrificed some of his success to help you be successful? (Major time commitments, money, etc.?) Since your relationship is currently long distance (ouch, been there...), the answer may be no. But think about the past.

2) How might success be different for you two, and what different challenges do you face? Different fields, goals, etc.?

3) Are your future goals compatible, and might he catch up to you in some way?

4) What is his attitude about this, and does it help or hurt you?

Good luck to you!

1. He hasn't had to sacrifice anything. We've only been in a long distance relationship thus far.

2. We definitely are in different fields, and because we're both interested in academia, and I'm a female, our goals will always differ slightly. I will always be held back by having children, no matter how much I want them, and he will always be advanced in his career if we reproduce.

3. It's hard to catch up when someone is 2 years behind you in grad school. Getting a Ph.d. in 3 years... not common. Plus these would be 3 additional years of long distance.

4. His attitude is that everything is great, and he doesn't seem to grasp that his grad school trajectory isn't the same as mine. He keeps talking about how great things are going to be with this offer he got (which realistically, he would have to live rent free with some relatives to make it work) or how 3 hours apart is so much better than 24 and how I can come see him all the time now (HA! In a comps year?!)

[peppermint.beatnik]

1. He hasn't had to sacrifice anything. We've only been in a long distance relationship thus far.

2. We definitely are in different fields, and because we're both interested in academia, and I'm a female, our goals will always differ slightly. I will always be held back by having children, no matter how much I want them, and he will always be advanced in his career if we reproduce.

3. It's hard to catch up when someone is 2 years behind you in grad school. Getting a Ph.d. in 3 years... not common. Plus these would be 3 additional years of long distance.

4. His attitude is that everything is great, and he doesn't seem to grasp that his grad school trajectory isn't the same as mine. He keeps talking about how great things are going to be with this offer he got (which realistically, he would have to live rent free with some relatives to make it work) or how 3 hours apart is so much better than 24 and how I can come see him all the time now (HA! In a comps year?!)

Since you're a social scientist and appreciate honesty . . .

Your response has a lot of animosity, for what appears to be fair questions given your original inquiry. It sounds like you almost resent your boyfriend. If he doesn't grasp that "his grad school trajectory isn't the same," why are you still together?

You also come off as if you have an inflated sense of self-importance. This is an internet forum, so it's quite possible that's not the case.

I'm in a long-term LDR with an academic, but he's ahead of me, so our situation isn't the same in that sense.

[Dith Vader]

Mostly agreeing with previous posters here, it seems to me that he has no issues about you being "more successful" than he is, but you do. He sounds very positive, even when he's told in your own words:

His attitude is that everything is great, and he doesn't seem to grasp that his grad school trajectory isn't the same as mine. He keeps talking about how great things are going to be with this offer he got (which realistically, he would have to live rent free with some relatives to make it work) or how 3 hours apart is so much better than 24 and how I can come see him all the time now (HA! In a comps year?!)

He doesn't seem to mind having to live on low wages to be closer to you, but you seem to be resentful about his optimism. Considering he's going on about how great things are, it also seems that he sees no problem with your differences in "grad school trajectory".

Anyhow, I'll just leave you with a question to consider. Would you be happy if it turns out your misgiving is utterly and completely disproved or would you be happy only when you two are "equal" in terms of what you call success?

[Squawker]

It sounds like you should explain to him exactly what your reservations are about him attending the slave-wage program. Tell him bluntly that you don't think it's the best offer, and that you will not be able to come see him very often. I am in a somewhat similar situation to you in that my SO wants to move with me, essentially following me as I am quite a bit more ambitious than he is. On the one hand, this is great because it gives me the freedom to decide where I - and by extension we - are going to live. Also, it's nice to be with someone who knows how to relax and who makes me stop thinking about productivity for a short while. On the other hand, this freedom makes me feel responsible for the both of us, to the point where I become responsible for both of our futures and he can relinquish his own responsibilities, dumping them on me (along with all the housework). If he fails to find work where I go, then he can use me as a convenient excuse to explain to his family why he is unemployed and broke. I am worried that I will end up having to cover our expenses in the event that he can't find a job, as he hasn't even started looking at anything yet. I also don't want him to resent me for making him waste years of his life following me around aimlessly, if things don't end up working out. On a different note, I am worried about what my parents will think. He does not quite live up to the standards my family (and I myself) have set for me, but I am happy to forgo those traditional standards if he a least tries to rectify the situation.

For all these reasons, I am forcing myself to be blunt with him. I know that I would advise a friend in the same situation to break up with the guy, but I know that I would regret doing so myself. So I am instead telling him exactly what my expectations are for next year, and that in reality he should probably focus more on getting his own career on track instead of trying to live with me. I doubt either of us will be happy if, living together, I am insanely busy and he is unemployed. At least that way if we do break up, he will have a more stable life to fall back on. If your boyfriend wouldn't be happy attending the slave-wage program if you weren't living nearby, then I would personally discourage him from attending.

Sorry to usurp your thread with whining about my boyfriend, but I find that a few of my friends share similar problems in being with men who are less motivated to do well for themselves than they are. Often our anxieties seem to be rooted in very similar frustrations!

[mmm35]

I feel like this is and odd Catch 22 for women in academia (or really any successful women). We want a guy who is as ambitious and successful as us, but a relationship is very difficult when both partners are following their dreams and not following eachother.

My situation is that my boyfriend got his dream job for next year, and I got into my dream school. By some bizarre luck we will only be an hour apart (though this wasn't a major consideration for either of us in accepting jobs/schools). However, I still wonder what will happen when I do a postdoc and look for a tenure track position in the future. I know he won't follow me, and I know that I won't give up a dream job to be near him. And I don't think I could ever fully respect someone who would follow me around.

I guess what I'm saying is, there is no ideal partner for women in our situation. It is either someone with less ambition who will follow you or someone with as much ambition as you who will always be travelling on a separate path. My plan is to keep going and hope for more luck along the way (and to be willing to make small concessions myself). It is almost impossible to know what to expect in the next 10 years, so why worry about it too much? If he wants to follow you then that is his decision to make, not yours. Of course if you are starting to get over him (which sounds like it may be the case) then he has a right to know.

[Squawker]

The ideal man for women like us owns his own very successful business and can move around! Perhaps he is even an artist and we get cool free art to hang in our homes. Since he works out of his studio at home, he can do things like bake fresh bread during the day and answer the door for plumbers and electricians.

Ultimately I'd rather be with someone less ambitious than I am because I wouldn't feel quite as much pressure about staying home to raise children. I'd love to have a husband whose career isn't so demanding that he can't spend any time helping out and having fun around the house. If things go swimmingly with my current boyfriend, that is the kind of lifestyle we can look forward to. My father had a high-paying job, but it required him to spend much of his time on business trips and he was not around very much. I'd rather not raise kids with someone who is only around half the time. I'm fine with doing my part around the house, but I'm not okay with being a full-time academic and a housewife at the same time.

[juilletmercredi]

It all depends on how you measure success, really.

I'm finishing my second year of graduate school, and I'll earn my MA this spring. My fiance didn't finish his bachelor's degree. But who cares? He's got a good job as an enlisted Air Force serviceman; he loves his job and he's good at it.

The only thing I do to "keep" him is give him lots of love and affection, communicate about problems, etc...the same things I'd do if he had a PhD too. We both talk about work with each other a little bit, especially when stressed. And, we discuss the future and the issues of thinking about being the "trailing spouse." Right now we're not sure who that's going to be, with me an academic and him a military man. If things stay as they currently are it will be me; if he leaves the military, it will be him. But the most important thing is that we're willing to make it work and be flexible (i.e. I don't necessarily want to be a professor willing to move to Podunk just to teach and he's considering us and a future family when he makes his re-enlistment decisions in August 2012).

We're about 2 to 2.5 hours away from each other. If you want to see your boyfriend often you find ways to make it work. I slave on the weekdays; he comes to see me almost every weekend when he's off (Thursday through Saturday) or I'll go to see him. I arrange my schedule so that I have at least one full day to spend with him with very minimal work. It's doable, you've got to be willing.

[ilikemoney]

Since you're a social scientist and appreciate honesty . . .

Your response has a lot of animosity, for what appears to be fair questions given your original inquiry. It sounds like you almost resent your boyfriend. If he doesn't grasp that "his grad school trajectory isn't the same," why are you still together?

You also come off as if you have an inflated sense of self-importance. This is an internet forum, so it's quite possible that's not the case.

I'm in a long-term LDR with an academic, but he's ahead of me, so our situation isn't the same in that sense.

Co-signing this. I sense resentment and that you don't see him as "good enough" for you. I hope I'm wrong, but only you can answer that. If that is the case though, DTMFA. You're just asking for misery. I can't imagine being in a successful relationship where I didn't fully respect the career and intellect of my partner.

And I don't think I could ever fully respect someone who would follow me around.

This is crazy, absolutely 100% certified bananas crazy. You would lose respect for someone because they made career moves -- that is, sacrifice -- to follow love? I can't fathom that.

There are very few jobs out there where you can't do meaningful work because of your location. On the flip of that, there are a lot of jobs where you can do good, important, satisfying work just about anywhere. There are, and probably in academia more than other places, rare instances where both people have jobs in which location is crucial. In which case you shouldn't date that person. More often than not, at least one partner can make a move without much sacrifice.

If you really love someone, really want to keep them, both sides will have to sacrifice at various times. If you can't do this without losing respect for your partner, save yourself some heartbreak and run for the hills.

Edited April 14, 2010 by west

[Yang]

Here's my male perspective.

I would personally resent being with a spouse who thinks I am a failure.

[coyabean]

Here's my male perspective.

I would personally resent being with a spouse who thinks I am a failure.

Yes.

[LadyL]

I am sorry but this thread is such a hilarious example of "white people problems." Oh no, your boyfriend won't get his Ph.D. until two years after you! The horror!

My boyfriend has an associates degree and grew up in a trailer park. This has very little to do with how I view him as my partner. He is one of the smartest people I've ever known, he's just not great at structured learning. Amazing self teacher though. He's probably a better learner than me in a lot of ways even if I look better on paper.

One thing I've learned with time is that I care less about the status of my partner than how he treats me. If your priorities are different that's your decision, but don't punish your (apparently very loyal) boyfriend because of it. Either deal with it or leave him and find some bajillionare with 3 doctorates to date.

[coyabean]

I am sorry but this thread is such a hilarious example of "white people problems." Oh no, your boyfriend won't get his Ph.D. until two years after you! The horror!

My boyfriend has an associates degree and grew up in a trailer park. This has very little to do with how I view him as my partner. He is one of the smartest people I've ever known, he's just not great at structured learning. Amazing self teacher though. He's probably a better learner than me in a lot of ways even if I look better on paper.

One thing I've learned with time is that I care less about the status of my partner than how he treats me. If your priorities are different that's your decision, but don't punish your (apparently very loyal) boyfriend because of it. Either deal with it or leave him and find some bajillionare with 3 doctorates to date.

LOL!!!!!

[jilixi]

I am sorry but this thread is such a hilarious example of "white people problems." Oh no, your boyfriend won't get his Ph.D. until two years after you! The horror!

My boyfriend has an associates degree and grew up in a trailer park. This has very little to do with how I view him as my partner. He is one of the smartest people I've ever known, he's just not great at structured learning. Amazing self teacher though. He's probably a better learner than me in a lot of ways even if I look better on paper.

One thing I've learned with time is that I care less about the status of my partner than how he treats me. If your priorities are different that's your decision, but don't punish your (apparently very loyal) boyfriend because of it. Either deal with it or leave him and find some bajillionare with 3 doctorates to date.

hell yeah

[jilixi]

I would love advice and perspectives from both males and females on this one.

I'm currently in a relationship with a great guy. He's applying to graduate school this fall, whereas I am finishing up my second year. I'm also currently at a top 5 program in my discipline with full funding, I just received an NSF GRFP, I have a prestigious internship this summer, and I finished my masters thesis a semester early. By most measures in my department I am considered highly successful. The fact that our grad school trajectories haven't matched up has been hard, and we've been long distance for a year. Things are still going well, and he applied to a bunch of schools nearby... but with the market the way it is, he's only gotten one offer so far. And to be honest.... it's practically slave wages. He's already got quite a few loans from undergrad (I have none) and I am very hesitant about him taking out more that he would need to survive. I'm not sure what his next move is at this point, and things are really up in the air.

Although things have been good up until now, it's hard for me to relate or give my boyfriend advice about his graduate career. Sometimes I worry that he will resent my success some day. At this rate, the way things are going, he would be the trailing spouse, the spousal hire. This is a reality that would be impossible for me to cope with, but I'm not sure he thinks of success the same way I do.

So my question is... how do other people cope with success differentials in a relationship? And to my male colleagues, would you honestly be comfortable with a partner who is more successful than you are in the long run? I'm a social scientist, I can take the reality, so don't be afraid to be truthful guys.

"he would be the trailing spouse" -- you sound pretty cold and competitive. i suggest that you consider whether or not you and your boyfriend are actually in love with each other. and if not, then do him a favor and break up with him.

[hamster]

hell yeah

My half sister is a pediatrician, her husband is a blue collar guy who never went to college. They are one of the happiest couples I know, my BIL is a great guy.

Edited April 15, 2010 by hamster

[alleygaiter]

If you approach your life with a checklist in hand, it's not going to be very satisfying. So, I offer you a list of useful things I have learned from my own experiences dating a successful academic, seeking my own success, and abandoning my former inclinations to accomplish everything according to an arbitrary idea of a schedule.

1. You seem to be overly caught up in the details of right now. He's not an academic superstar pre-grad program, so he'll never be an academic superstar. You're hot shit in your program right now, so you'll always be hot shit. No one's fate is sealed until that dissertation boldly declares the truth to the world: either you're capable of brilliance, originality, creativity, insight, and clear thinking, in whatever combination, or you're not.

2. Your world will not fall apart if you miss the deadline for a few stops on your itinerary. It will never fit together. It will never be perfect. You have no idea what sorts of things may happen a few years down the road. You plan the best you can, and you try to make decisions that will make you happy.

3. When you were accepted a few years ago, the job market in academia was flush with opportunities for grad school applicants. That feast has withered into famine. Programs across the board are having problems supporting their current faculty, let alone taking on new grad students. So, your acceptance to more programs doesn't necessarily make you that much more of a superstar, it just makes you luckier to have applied for PhD programs at a time when the market was more promising.

4. I dated someone who went to schools recognized as the best in the country for high school, college, and his doctorate, which he completed straight through. He immediately became a tenure-track professor at a university with a fantastic reputation in an awesome city, working under a pioneer in his field. I'm sure he's brilliant in his field (it's a little esoteric), but he was not someone who most people would assume was brilliant upon meeting him. They only learned about it when he mentioned his background. He grasped things quickly and thoroughly, but he approached those things as if he were studying them - he was obviously a great student. But he had a difficult time making innovative leaps and intuitive connections. He wasn't interested in literature, he couldn't hold a conversation about music, and if he saw a great movie, you generally had to explain why it moved you and why it's considered so incredible. There wasn't a ton of passion in his pursuits. He couldn't translate the ideas of his field very well into language that wasn't within its jargon. His research, in his own words even, was solid, but it wasn't groundbreaking. After the breakup, friends shared what I had suspected: they found him dull.

In short, being talented academically does not necessarily make you smart. (Now, no one twist that into a reverse syllogism - that doesn't mean that not being talented academically means you are smart. There are smart people in academia, there are morons in academia, there are smart people in the working world, there are morons in the working world.) He's incredibly successful in academia, which I have a huge amount of respect for. We both got our dream jobs early on, and we both do them very well. We both achieved big titles at young ages. His is in the ivory tower; mine isn't. Neither is better or worse. So, basically, what I'm saying is, outside academia, no one cares about the minute nuances of your status as a scholar. It's who you are, how global your intelligence is, whether you have a work ethic, whether you can hold your own in a provocative conversation - not how many papers you publish a year. It makes about as much sense as saying, "I qualified for the Boston Marathon, but my boyfriend only runs a 10-minute mile. How will he cope?" Just cheer each other on and enjoy the fact that you both like to run. (With me and my ex, it was more like, proverbially, he liked to swim and I liked to garden. Neither is better, they're just too different to compare.)

5. If you're worried that he's going to go to a program that isn't his first choice and that you'll feel guilty for any potential fallout (especially if you suspect you may want to break up with him), then make sure he's making his choices for himself, not because it's what he thinks you'll want. That way, clear conscience no matter what he does.

6. Don't be caught up in the rankings. I went to a large public research university, and I was always a little insecure about it. But my ex-bf who went to these fancy schools is the one who taught me that the people in his department, the best in the field, had equal respect for colleagues in the ivy league as professors at more ordinary schools. The reputation wasn't staked on a name, it was staked on the level of the work people there were doing.

7. The problem doesn't seem to be his; it seems to be yours. View it through the filter of your own feelings, not your conjectures about what he feels. It sounds like a cover.

8. The title of this post is telling. "Finding and keeping a male partner?" It sounds like you're still keeping an eye out for something better. If you are, break it off, because the longer you prolong it, the more painful it's going to be.

9. If it's a chore to see him, then you shouldn't be with him. It's not love if you have to convince yourself that it is. It should not feel like a burden to see someone you love. If it is, you're probably making excuses.

10. You have a whole life ahead of you. Don't feel stuck at this age. If you feel constricted, figure out a way to break out of it. You're not trapped. Opportunity doesn't have an expiration date, but rushing could lead to serious mistakes.

11. If the worst problem in your life right now is that people will resent you for how awesome you are, that's pretty badass.

[ilikemoney]

If you approach your life with a checklist in hand, it's not going to be very satisfying. So, I offer you a list of useful things I have learned from my own experiences dating a successful academic, seeking my own success, and abandoning my former inclinations to accomplish everything according to an arbitrary idea of a schedule.

1. You seem to be overly caught up in the details of right now. He's not an academic superstar pre-grad program, so he'll never be an academic superstar. You're hot shit in your program right now, so you'll always be hot shit. No one's fate is sealed until that dissertation boldly declares the truth to the world: either you're capable of brilliance, originality, creativity, insight, and clear thinking, in whatever combination, or you're not.

2. Your world will not fall apart if you miss the deadline for a few stops on your itinerary. It will never fit together. It will never be perfect. You have no idea what sorts of things may happen a few years down the road. You plan the best you can, and you try to make decisions that will make you happy.

3. When you were accepted a few years ago, the job market in academia was flush with opportunities for grad school applicants. That feast has withered into famine. Programs across the board are having problems supporting their current faculty, let alone taking on new grad students. So, your acceptance to more programs doesn't necessarily make you that much more of a superstar, it just makes you luckier to have applied for PhD programs at a time when the market was more promising.

4. I dated someone who went to schools recognized as the best in the country for high school, college, and his doctorate, which he completed straight through. He immediately became a tenure-track professor at a university with a fantastic reputation in an awesome city, working under a pioneer in his field. I'm sure he's brilliant in his field (it's a little esoteric), but he was not someone who most people would assume was brilliant upon meeting him. They only learned about it when he mentioned his background. He grasped things quickly and thoroughly, but he approached those things as if he were studying them - he was obviously a great student. But he had a difficult time making innovative leaps and intuitive connections. He wasn't interested in literature, he couldn't hold a conversation about music, and if he saw a great movie, you generally had to explain why it moved you and why it's considered so incredible. There wasn't a ton of passion in his pursuits. He couldn't translate the ideas of his field very well into language that wasn't within its jargon. His research, in his own words even, was solid, but it wasn't groundbreaking. After the breakup, friends shared what I had suspected: they found him dull.

In short, being talented academically does not necessarily make you smart. (Now, no one twist that into a reverse syllogism - that doesn't mean that not being talented academically means you are smart. There are smart people in academia, there are morons in academia, there are smart people in the working world, there are morons in the working world.) He's incredibly successful in academia, which I have a huge amount of respect for. We both got our dream jobs early on, and we both do them very well. We both achieved big titles at young ages. His is in the ivory tower; mine isn't. Neither is better or worse. So, basically, what I'm saying is, outside academia, no one cares about the minute nuances of your status as a scholar. It's who you are, how global your intelligence is, whether you have a work ethic, whether you can hold your own in a provocative conversation - not how many papers you publish a year. It makes about as much sense as saying, "I qualified for the Boston Marathon, but my boyfriend only runs a 10-minute mile. How will he cope?" Just cheer each other on and enjoy the fact that you both like to run. (With me and my ex, it was more like, proverbially, he liked to swim and I liked to garden. Neither is better, they're just too different to compare.)

5. If you're worried that he's going to go to a program that isn't his first choice and that you'll feel guilty for any potential fallout (especially if you suspect you may want to break up with him), then make sure he's making his choices for himself, not because it's what he thinks you'll want. That way, clear conscience no matter what he does.

6. Don't be caught up in the rankings. I went to a large public research university, and I was always a little insecure about it. But my ex-bf who went to these fancy schools is the one who taught me that the people in his department, the best in the field, had equal respect for colleagues in the ivy league as professors at more ordinary schools. The reputation wasn't staked on a name, it was staked on the level of the work people there were doing.

7. The problem doesn't seem to be his; it seems to be yours. View it through the filter of your own feelings, not your conjectures about what he feels. It sounds like a cover.

8. The title of this post is telling. "Finding and keeping a male partner?" It sounds like you're still keeping an eye out for something better. If you are, break it off, because the longer you prolong it, the more painful it's going to be.

9. If it's a chore to see him, then you shouldn't be with him. It's not love if you have to convince yourself that it is. It should not feel like a burden to see someone you love. If it is, you're probably making excuses.

10. You have a whole life ahead of you. Don't feel stuck at this age. If you feel constricted, figure out a way to break out of it. You're not trapped. Opportunity doesn't have an expiration date, but rushing could lead to serious mistakes.

11. If the worst problem in your life right now is that people will resent you for how awesome you are, that's pretty badass.

Thread over, you win. Bravo!

[mmm35]

This is crazy, absolutely 100% certified bananas crazy. You would lose respect for someone because they made career moves -- that is, sacrifice -- to follow love? I can't fathom that.

There are very few jobs out there where you can't do meaningful work because of your location. On the flip of that, there are a lot of jobs where you can do good, important, satisfying work just about anywhere. There are, and probably in academia more than other places, rare instances where both people have jobs in which location is crucial. In which case you shouldn't date that person. More often than not, at least one partner can make a move without much sacrifice.

If you really love someone, really want to keep them, both sides will have to sacrifice at various times. If you can't do this without losing respect for your partner, save yourself some heartbreak and run for the hills.

Yeesh. I get that it is a stressful time right now for some people, but can't we all just get along? I'll have my values and you'll have yours and we will never ever ever date each other

I'm an engineer, I'm a realist, and I know that things like job satisfaction have a large effect on the success of a relationship. Mostly, I would never demand anything of a partner that I wouldn't do myself, and my personal definition of love is wanting the best for someone even if it means that I'm not it. (and yes my boyfriend has a job that would be a lot less interesting if he were to leave a short list of large cities).

You really can't plan life, and I know MANY couples who have broken up after one makes a big move for the other. So why plan too much, why not just encourage your partner to do everything that they can to be happy?

"When you find everything you've looked for, I hope your life leads you back to my door. Oh but if it don't, stay beautiful."

(however feel free to call me crazy for quoting Taylor Swift)

[pea-jay]

Here's my male perspective.

I would personally resent being with a spouse who thinks I am a failure.

Nobody likes being thought of as a failure, male or female. What makes the original post so yucky is it is just dripping in contempt for her man. Now I don't know what the poster is like in reality and how she *actually* treats her boyfriend, but it sure doesnt bode well for a good relationship. If this is really how you feel, do your man a favor and and end the relationship. And do it nicely.

[cesada]

I am not sure what a "white person problem" is, but otherwise I agree with LadyL. My husband is not an "academic" type at all. Our relationship is better because we have different interests and talents. It is not like the only measure of someone's worth is their intelligence or their success in a PhD program

To watergirl - for what it's worth, I had to deal with this exact issue. Either my husband would have to follow me around to the detriment of his career (he is in film, so being outside of Los Angeles really would be a huge problem), or I would have to limit my applications to the four decent schools in commuting distance. I ended up limiting my applications, and fortunately was accepted to a great school.

Long term relationships are one long stream of compromises and sacrifices, over and over again. Sometimes the sacrifices are really big. Being willing to make those sacrifices is MUCH more important to the success of a relationship than job satisfaction.

Edited April 16, 2010 by cesada

[mmm35]

Ceseda, thanks for a reasonable and not incredibly hyperbolic reply (it seems like yesterday was just the mean people making mean comments day).

This is why I'm not married yet and don't plan to be married until I'm settled in my career. Of course you have to sacrifice when you are married to someone. In the meantime, it's much easier to find a new guy that I could be happy with than it is to find a new job that I'd be happy with. That may be harsh, but it's true. I don't believe in soul mates or anything close to soul mates, and I know that my boyfriend could also easily find another girl he was happy with. I want us both to have everything, and if we can't have everything together, then we'll have to have it apart. And for now, we've been lucky and will be very close for the next 4 or 5 years

I have only seen maybe 5 truly happy long-term marriages in my life, and it seems to me that the best formula for a happy marriage is two people who knew who they were before they married and are happy with all other aspects of their life. I want to be satisfied and happy myself rather than following someone else and depending on them for happiness.

[mudlark]

My half sister is a pediatrician, her husband is a blue collar guy who never went to college. They are one of the happiest couples I know, my BIL is a great guy.

My husband is a high school graduate, and I made more in scholarships this year than he did at his full time job. For us, that's a very very GOOD thing, since it all goes into the shared bank account anyways. One partner's success should be an asset to the overall relationship, not a cause for competition.