Things not to say to someone who has just been rejected by their dream school

[RestorationJunkie]

-You didn't want to go there anyway.

-You'll get in somewhere else.

-That just means you weren't meant to go there.

Any more?

[SuperPiePie]

So what are you supposed to say then?

-Sorry.

-I know how you feel.

-Don't kill yourself.

[LJK]

So what are you supposed to say then?

My roommates and I just discussed this. We decided that you don't say anything. You give them a hug, a pint of Ben & Jerry's, and complete control of the remote for the day/night.

[DamianD]

-You didn't want to go there anyway.

-You'll get in somewhere else.

-That just means you weren't meant to go there.

These are all especially very hateful to say when somebody has been rejected by their preferred school. I'll probably start crying if that happens and somebody dumps the third line in my face...

[newms]

I can't imagine how bad you must feel, how are you holding up?

[waddle]

Things not to say/do:

• Well, it's not like you had a shot anyways.
• Reality check, eh?
• How does that feel, mate?
• <point and laugh>
• Cool story, bro.
• So where else did you get rejected from?
• Even <insert names of other people they know> got into there! And I thought you were better than them!

[RestorationJunkie]

I can't imagine how bad you must feel, how are you holding up?

I'm okay. Not too surprised, but definitely disappointed. Thanks for asking

[Thanks4Downvoting]

Cool story, bro.

- My favorite

[EricaMarie]

"Well this just means you can get a real job and become a productive member of society." <------my parents, I'm sure.

[space-cat]

This just happened to a (ridiculously qualified) friend of mine earlier today. I went with "That doesn't make a damn bit of sense" and "I have bourbon in my desk."

I honestly don't know what I'd want to hear if/when this happens to me. I'm a talker, so I'd probably just want someone to nod sympathetically while I whine and cry for an hour.

And yeah, I hate all that "that just means it wasn't meant to happen" bullshit, too. Uh, thanks. Mind telling me what is meant to happen?

[DamianD]

Mind telling me what is meant to happen?

The all-knowing and powerful prophets of the adcoms will tell you... soon....

[anthropologygeek]

Whatever you do don't say well you really didn't want to go there did you?

[lechatgris]

After last year's all-around rejections, I think the worst were the myriad variations of:

"So, what are you going to do?" and "Oh, well you have a 'plan B,' right?"

"You didn't get in anywhere? Why?"

As well as anything religious/ shamelessly repeated from a motivational poster.

I fully agree with the whole "not meant to be" thing--even the thoughtless passive voice propels you into the vague abyss of misery.

[Irishlibra]

- Don't worry, I heard McDonald's is hiring.

- Well, there's always next year

[garbledy]

"... but X and Y got in..... "

[garbledy]

This just happened to a (ridiculously qualified) friend of mine earlier today. I went with "That doesn't make a damn bit of sense" and "I have bourbon in my desk."

I honestly don't know what I'd want to hear if/when this happens to me. I'm a talker, so I'd probably just want someone to nod sympathetically while I whine and cry for an hour.

You did well - this is probably EXACTLY what I'd want to hear. Especially the latter.

And I wouldn't want a hug. That would make me feel pitiful.

[flotsam]

Yeah, it probably isn't too good to say-

"What hurts the most, makes us stronger."

"Are you sure you filled out all the essays?"

"The program probably bites anyway."

"Look at all the money you just saved."

[dogbert]

"oh well, a PhD is so much work anyways...."

[TeamCoco-Bollo]

My roommates and I just discussed this. We decided that you don't say anything. You give them a hug, a pint of Ben & Jerry's, and complete control of the remote for the day/night.

And tequila. You forgot the tequila.

[RestorationJunkie]

From a parent:

"You're not as disappointed as I am."

Uh, yes, I think I probably am.

[Golden Monkey]

"The weather sucks there anyway," which is true and is what I will tell myself if I don't get in.

[balderdash]

I think the best response is really just "Yeah, but who wants to go to University X anyway."

For instance, a professor of mine was rejected to Harvard's PhD program way back in the 60s. He went to UWisc-Madison instead, eventually got pretty established in the field, and Harvard offered him a job. He promptly turned it down. About 20 years later, they offered him a position again, this time tenured, and he turned them down again. I still think it's funny because he's always like "look, I have my life here now, and I'm not going to change everything just to go teach there. They had their chance."

[Medievalmaniac]

The two I hate the most from anyone, anytime are :

"Don't worry, you'll get in somewhere"

and

"I know how you feel".

In fact, I recommend we strike "I know how you feel" from ANY conversation, ever, about anything. What a dumb thing to say, when there is no way you can possibly know how another person feels. Something like, "I know how that feels" or "I can imagine that feels..." followed by a pertinent life-experience in similar vein MIGHT fly, but then again - if I'm wallowing, it's my turn to wallow, I am soooo not interested in your pity party at that point.

The most helpful and/or appreciated comments I have received in this situation are

"I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help you out?"

and my very favorite, ever:

"Those a**holes. How dare they reject you! Who the hell are they accepting, then? F**k them."

I actually laughed...and that came from a tenured prof who wrote a rec for me in a prior application cycle, lolol.

[newms]

"Those a**holes. How dare they reject you! Who the hell are they accepting, then? F**k them."

I. love. this!

[Medievalmaniac]

I. love. this!

I loved that professor. Never once minced words on anything, and you cannot imagine how much better I felt at such indignation on my behalf.