Significant Others and Grad School

[goldielocks]

I'm married. This comes with its own challenges, but in all honesty, my partner has been my most valuable asset in this process. It's not the right choice for everyone, but for us, it has worked out better than I would have hoped.

[dimanche0829]

For those of you that are/were in relationships when applying to grad schools, did you find that your relationship limited your application pool?

I've been with my S O for 4 1/2 years now and love him to bits and pieces, but he isn't exactly jumping for joy that I want to pursue a PhD. It took him a long time just to warm up to my decision to apply, but I told him this was non-negotiable in my book and I wasn't going to hold myself back for anyone. The issue now, though, centers around where I'll be applying; he's already told me that he's not moving away from our home in Los Angeles, which is understandable since he's a screenwriter and this really is the best place for him to be. Thankfully, there are a number of good schools here in CA that have great literature programs, so I don't feel so terrible about limiting my apps to one state, but I'm interested in hearing about how others have dealt with a similar situation.

[robot_hamster]

I was limited to where I could apply. I actually started a thread about it, asking if anyone would ever consider leaving their spouse behind. The reason I was asking was because my current school is not a good fit for me. It was the only place available to me to apply. But if I want to continue on after this to get a PhD, I will definitely have to apply to other places.

[long_time_lurker]

For those of you that are/were in relationships when applying to grad schools, did you find that your relationship limited your application pool?

I've been with my S O for 4 1/2 years now and love him to bits and pieces, but he isn't exactly jumping for joy that I want to pursue a PhD. It took him a long time just to warm up to my decision to apply, but I told him this was non-negotiable in my book and I wasn't going to hold myself back for anyone. The issue now, though, centers around where I'll be applying; he's already told me that he's not moving away from our home in Los Angeles, which is understandable since he's a screenwriter and this really is the best place for him to be. Thankfully, there are a number of good schools here in CA that have great literature programs, so I don't feel so terrible about limiting my apps to one state, but I'm interested in hearing about how others have dealt with a similar situation.

About the same here. I'm married (and Catholic), so I didn't really have a choice as far as saying "I'm going to school X whether you like it or not". We have good programs here too so it worked out rather easily for us. Also, neither of us wanted to go to someplace like Iowa City or Champaign, Illinois regardless of how good the programs I was interested in may be. As far as doing the PhD at all, I've been supporting us almost exclusively for almost 3 years now, so I basically laid down the law (like you did saying it's "non-negotiable) and said, "now it's your turn" as far as being the primary breadwinner. She doesn't mind because she knows it's fair, plus once I'm done my salary will be doubled from what I make now.

Edited August 1, 2011 by long_time_lurker

[lea23]

I will be starting Grad school this fall and my SO is in undergrad at the same school. The hard part I imagine will be the schedules, because most of his classes are during the day and majority of mine are at night. But I think we will have weekends so it should be ok.

[ktel]

For those of you that are/were in relationships when applying to grad schools, did you find that your relationship limited your application pool?

I've been with my S O for 4 1/2 years now and love him to bits and pieces, but he isn't exactly jumping for joy that I want to pursue a PhD. It took him a long time just to warm up to my decision to apply, but I told him this was non-negotiable in my book and I wasn't going to hold myself back for anyone. The issue now, though, centers around where I'll be applying; he's already told me that he's not moving away from our home in Los Angeles, which is understandable since he's a screenwriter and this really is the best place for him to be. Thankfully, there are a number of good schools here in CA that have great literature programs, so I don't feel so terrible about limiting my apps to one state, but I'm interested in hearing about how others have dealt with a similar situation.

My boyfriend did his Master's pretty much only to stay in the city where I did my undergrad, so I decided I would only apply to the schools in the city where he got a full-time job. Luckily I didn't feel the desire to apply to US schools, and luckily Toronto has one of the best universities in Canada. Had I needed to go somewhere else I feel we could have compromised, however.

[Gradhorn]

For those of you that are/were in relationships when applying to grad schools, did you find that your relationship limited your application pool?

I've been with my S O for 4 1/2 years now and love him to bits and pieces, but he isn't exactly jumping for joy that I want to pursue a PhD. It took him a long time just to warm up to my decision to apply, but I told him this was non-negotiable in my book and I wasn't going to hold myself back for anyone. The issue now, though, centers around where I'll be applying; he's already told me that he's not moving away from our home in Los Angeles, which is understandable since he's a screenwriter and this really is the best place for him to be. Thankfully, there are a number of good schools here in CA that have great literature programs, so I don't feel so terrible about limiting my apps to one state, but I'm interested in hearing about how others have dealt with a similar situation.

When I was pulling together my list of schools I gave my wife veto power over any schools on the list. All the schools on the list had very competitive admissions, so the deal was that anything not vetoed before applications went out was "fair game" for me to accept. As it turned out, my school is 1300 miles away and she received a major promotion at work, so we will be doing a very long distance relationship with flights to each other on alternating weekends. It's not a solution that works for everyone since it is costly to fly that much, but it is something we have done before when I was working in DC for a while and it worked out okay for us.

[starmaker]

For those of you that are/were in relationships when applying to grad schools, did you find that your relationship limited your application pool?

Yep. I'm only applying to programs that are within commuting distance of where we live now, as he doesn't want to move right now. Fortunately, this still leaves me with more than half a dozen options, some of which are top programs (this area has a lot of universities). Even if we were willing to do a long-distance relationship, we're planning to have a kid in the next couple of years, so it wouldn't really work.

There is one program, a top program in my field, that is just far enough away that commuting there is not feasible. About once a month I look for ways to make it work, and then curse the state for putting its flagship school in such a relatively remote area (nothing against Amherst, I've been there, I thought it was a great town and that Western Massachusetts is gorgeous in general, but the town is kind of isolated from things like, oh, major highways, or direct commuter bus routes from Boston). That's the only one that really frustrates me, because it's close enough to be tantalizing but not to be reasonable.

[Sparrowing]

I find it interesting that the majority of respondents are in relationships with non-grad-students. I wonder how many of those are undergrads and how many are working professionals?

[arsenalmath]

My s.o. is starting med school in the same city where I am starting graduate school in the fall. We made our decisions based on wanting to be together, but also not sacrificing too much in terms of education. I just hope with all of our work, we will still be able to see each other sometimes!

[robot_hamster]

I find it interesting that the majority of respondents are in relationships with non-grad-students. I wonder how many of those are undergrads and how many are working professionals?

I personally don't know any grad school couples. In my program, the significant others all seem to be working. I'm not sure why. I am the odd one out with mine being in undergrad.

Edited April 18, 2012 by robot_hamster

[Dal PhDer]

Relationships can be so hard with grad school... my 5 year relationship didn't make it- 1) distance didn't help and 2) having done our undergrad together, there was a bit of resentment on his side that I was accepted to a masters and then PhD program and he wasn't able/interested in carrying on.

At the time of selecting my PhD program, having a partner did limit my selection pool. I most certainly would have applied out of province (if not internationally). Looking back, I wish I hadn't have limited myself for someone- as they are no longer in my life.

I think a healthy relationship should be supportive of travel and moving for your school/career/family...all in moderation of course.

[sociologo]

I personally don't know any grad school couples. In my program, the significant others all seem to be working. I'm not sure why. I am the odd one out with mine being in undergrad.

There's one in my current cohort, but they aren't the same program or school. The guy started in a program after his girlfriend had already been in for a year. I'm in your boat though. My boyfriend still has a year of undergrad left, and I'm currently a Masters student entering a PhD program in the fall. We tease each other about it. When I started applying, I made it very clear that I was going to go wherever my academic goals would best be met, and I did not limit my applying in any way. He's been wonderfully supportive, even when it came down to choosing a school 30 miles away and one that is 1700 miles away. Being long-distance will be hard, but we are both willing to try, and that's all I can really ask for right now.

I made it very clear when I began the process that I was going to apply to schools that were good fits for me, even if they were far away. He's been

[rockandroll]

I find it interesting that the majority of respondents are in relationships with non-grad-students. I wonder how many of those are undergrads and how many are working professionals?

My (serious) boyfriend is older than me but chose to go the career route early in life and is just now trying to finish up his college degree. While sometimes this can cause some issues (he has a very negative view of higher education because of how ridiculously expensive is- which we can all agree with- and how someone with a degree in ANYTHING automatically gets preference over him in the current economy), I can also see how being involved with someone with the same aspirations of me could have its own equally difficult set of issues. Luckily, we're on the same page within our relationship, and I ended up deciding to stay in our current city for grad school so we would both have career opportunities.

[TakeruK]

When I was pulling together my list of schools I gave my wife veto power over any schools on the list. All the schools on the list had very competitive admissions, so the deal was that anything not vetoed before applications went out was "fair game" for me to accept.

This was what my wife (not a student) and I agreed on as well. I would only apply to schools that I was interested in (so that was my cut) and my wife and I went over the list before we spent the $$ on applications. We only veto-ed places we were seriously against and still applied to places that one of us thought we might not like but wanted to give it a try/visit first. After getting responses and visiting (my wife joined me where economical), we had round two of vetos. It was down to 3 schools at that point, and we both had the same top choice.

I didn't feel bad/held back/etc. at all because I could only apply to places that made both of us happy. I would have felt really bad and selfish if I had made the decision on my own and expect my wife to just deal with it. I'm pursuing this career because it's something I love doing but ultimately, it's in order to provide for our future family. I think marriage is a partnership, and I also viewed the grad school application/decision process as a joint decision as well (even writing emails to profs saying things like "my wife and I were wondering ...."). My wife already moved once with me to do my MSc in Canada and even though a legal document doesn't really change things, being actually married help made me feel secure when we made the decision together. But I can understand that this would be much harder if I wasn't sure about where our relationship was going!

[WalterBenjamin]

I started dating my husband-to-be while on vacation during Christmas break. I was in the first year of my Masters, and he was working. It seemed absolutely hopeless and I did not want to get anything started, because it was ibviously doomed.

Still, he insisted we give the relationship a go. After three weeks together, I left to go back all the way ACROSS THE COUNTRY. We did long-distance for a year and a half. I think we might have traveled back and forth about 4 times during that time, which was awfully difficult considering that I only had my TA-ship to help cover half the tickets. He was paying our phone bills.

We got married 10 days after I defended my thesis. I ditched a PhD offer and moved to live with him.

8 years and a kid later, I am getting ready to work on my PhD. He is applying for his Masters next year. Grad school and the history of our relationship.

The moral of the story: If both parties want this to happen, it will. But they should really-really want it.

[R.S.]

When I was on the interview trail, I asked current graduate students about this. All of them told me the same thing: Don't break up with your signifcant other solely because you're worried about the coursework. All that will do is make you depressed, burn out, and very resentful towards the program. "You've gotten in so you've got to have good time management skills. That's all that matters, really. You can have a social life if you're careful with your time." I'm not expecting to have the same sort of relationship I have now, and neither does he. Just talk it over with them and be honest.

Also, as my significant other told me, I've got to eat sometime, so it might as well be with him!

[gfl212]

My boyfriend of 1 year will be in his 3rd year of Law School in NYC this fall, and I will be starting grad school in Boston.

We're going to try the long distance relationship and see how things go. I am incredibly excited about going to school, but I am really nervous about the relationship surviving the distance :-(

[dancer1]

My SO is currently working on his Masters, he is done this June. I start in August. Best decision we ever made to do it this way. Can't imagine having both of us in grad school at the same time. Those of you who are doing it, with kids in tow, AMAZING!

[Eigen]

Having done the relationship and grad school thing both with and without my wife in grad school (she took a gap year and I started straight), there are different stresses to each.

Before, the stress came from the fact that we were on very different schedules.

Now, the stress comes from the fact that we're both in grad school- both working long hours, exhausted, etc. Since we're both going through the same thing, though, there's a lot more to share and it's easier to be supportive.

[GreenePony]

I met DH when he was starting grad school and I was starting undergrad at the same school. He dropped out but stayed in the area to be near me. My application pool wasn't really limited by what he thought- we've agreed that we'll need to move wherever I can find work/school since he can pretty much find it anywhere or work from home(computer programming). Starting when we move he'll continue to work for the same company as a contractor and eventually try and find a normal job, but for now the idea of working from home is really attractive to him. He knows I'll have weird hours, he's used to me disappearing during the fall for marching band so he'll probably see me more now anyway.

[new_to_kin]

I met my husband when we were both at grad school (him PhD, me Masters) and now he is a prof. I'm going back to do my PhD, but things will be pretty different this time as we have 2 kids now.

[MaraJade13]

I agree, the categories aren't quite adequate.

My husband is active duty army and will be deployed roughly half the time I'm completing my masters about 3 hours away from our house. We lived 2 hours apart the first year we dated and I taught abroad In Chile for four months after that. Periodic separation is really just part of life for us. He'll go back to school when his enlistment is finished in two years and we'll move wherever that takes us (but together!). We're not considering kids for another four years, I can't imagine trying to deal with that right now.

[K.Ash]

This is a very comforting thread to have come across. I'll be relocating more than 6 hours away for my Masters in August, and after talking through the options my SO is going to stay here for now. I think this will really be a huge test for us... if we can do this, I know we're in it for the long haul. but I don't know if it will. He grew up in the city we currently live in, and pretty much his whole (very large) family lives here. He would be okay staying here forever. I don't have ties here, I actually will very soon no longer have family in the state, and can't have the career I desire here. Its a tough time, so for now we're just enjoying as much time together as we can

[Dal PhDer]

I know this is mostly about already being in a relationship...but have the single PhD students tried dating?

I can't even imagine....the time and work involved...and how do you explain to someone who might not be a student themselves what it's like?