Finding a husband in graduate school.

[LittleDarlings]

......me

Really? Ok but you're a guy (I assume, from the username) so you have forever and a day to meet someone and have kids and stuff. You have no limit on your time to reproduce or anything whereas I'm 23 almost, I have about 2 more years to meet a suitable person date them for a year and a half and get engaged, married and have my first baby. Assuming I meet the person tomorrow that still puts me at about 27 or 28 for a baby, assuming I want more than 1 kid I have about 5 years for 2 more. That is if I meet someone tomorrow which is pretty unlikely. So if I wait don't meet someone until 25 I will be 30 having my first kid my egg quality will have gone down and that's bad. I have a lot to think about! If it were up to me I would have been in a serious relationship at 21 engaged by 23 and married at 24 then I would be in grad school, married and hopefully pregnant or trying to get pregnant. I just feel like I will have so much stress off of me when I get into a good lasting relationship.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

I think you're overblowing the whole "egg quality" thing. In my opinion children are shaped more by their upbringing than their mother's egg quality. You're willing to risk jumping into a marriage in order to have kids before your eggs go bad? Even if it means jumping into a bad marriage and having your kid grow up in a broken home?

Edited November 7, 2013 by JoeyBoy718

[LittleDarlings]

I really do want the best circumstances for my future family, I just really don't want to wait for 30 for it to happen.  It is rare where I am from to even be 25 and single with no kids.  

[Maziana]

I think being single at 30 wouldn't be so bad! Then again, there's no way I want kids. It's ok to have a plan for your life, but there's no need to set such arbitrary goals at each age like that! 

 

I don't think the cut-off for terrible egg quality is 30... Probably more like 40! I'd do research on that if I were you. But I agree with Joey that it's not such a serious issue, especially for people in their 30s! haha, you could always freeze your eggs... Also there is some evidence that it's not good for older guys to have kids; although true, it probably is at an older age.

[LittleDarlings]

I need to calm down. I get so out of hand sometimes and just worry about everything. I think it is hitting me because all my friends are in serious relationships, and taking marriage or having babies and I am left out.  I have always just wanted to find a decent relationship and after every potential relationship I have had failing (not my fault in both cases) and just being used by not so good guys I am exhausted and I don't know what else to do, how am i going to meet someone? I don't go out a ton now and I highly doubt I will meet someone in my house or Walmart or physical therapy lol. I don't want to be forever alone, I mean a career is great but I want a family.   I am just in a state of panic now 

[Naon]

I met my husband while I was in law school. And it was 2 months in to my first year of law school which is just pure hell. He was not a student, I met him at a party. That was 14 years ago. Not sure the relationship would have worked if he was also a psychotic overworked student like I was though.

[nugget]

I believe that when you are ready for that kind of relationship, you will meet the person you are looking for and often times it happens when you least expect it. It cannot be forced.

 

If you are hurried and want the dating process to speed along quickly you may run the risk of A) scaring guys off because they may sense your urgency and may view that urgency as desperation or B ) make a hasty decision about who to marry and might not make the best choice for yourself and could end up unhappily married.   

 

I think that when you take the MSW program and go through the process of becoming a social worker, you will slowly develop a clearer sense of self-knowledge through lots of self-analysis and reflection as you do the readings and assignments, which may lead you to finding and recognizing the right sort of person who will make you happy. I've heard from various profs and MSW graduates that completing the MSW program can be a very personally transformative process for some students (in a positive way) by the end of the two years.

 

Perhaps you have not met your match yet because there is a lot of personal growth ahead of you that needs to be made and after it happens, you will be ready to meet the right person for you. I think it's good that you are pursing other interest and passions in the meantime. However, please be aware that the MSW requires a lot of hard work and you will have less free time to date as a grad student compared to the present moment.

Edited November 7, 2013 by jenste

[socioholic]

Really? Ok but you're a guy (I assume, from the username) so you have forever and a day to meet someone and have kids and stuff. You have no limit on your time to reproduce or anything whereas I'm 23 almost, I have about 2 more years to meet a suitable person date them for a year and a half and get engaged, married and have my first baby. Assuming I meet the person tomorrow that still puts me at about 27 or 28 for a baby, assuming I want more than 1 kid I have about 5 years for 2 more. That is if I meet someone tomorrow which is pretty unlikely. So if I wait don't meet someone until 25 I will be 30 having my first kid my egg quality will have gone down and that's bad. I have a lot to think about! If it were up to me I would have been in a serious relationship at 21 engaged by 23 and married at 24 then I would be in grad school, married and hopefully pregnant or trying to get pregnant. I just feel like I will have so much stress off of me when I get into a good lasting relationship.

 

Let me ease your mind - I got married at 31, first baby at 32 (I got pregnant immediately). I thought that was late even though I have a relative who had her first at 41. Since I've been pregnant I've met too many women who have made it a point to tell me they had their *first* babies at 40 and more later in their 30's. That's not to say it's ideal, but you're not as rushed as you think you are.

[juilletmercredi]

^Ditto.  Every time I start to feel bad (I also come from a family where having children after 30 is weird) I meet yet another highly educated academic woman who had a healthy child, or more than one, into their late 30s and early 40s.  I know a 45-year-old woman with a 3-year-old child.  Even Michelle Obama had her first child at 34, and her second at 37.  It is totally normal for women who pursue graduate degrees to delay marriage and childbirth/childrearing several years.

[toasterazzi]

In my department, there've been a couple people who've gotten together while we've been here. And there's one new couple that looks like it's on the brink of happening. It's not impossible. And I think you CAN make time for a social life while also maintaining your grades if you really work at it. That's what I do anyways.

 

And I'll also add that I met my fiance online when I was 23. I think that's a decent route to go if you really think you'll have a hard time meeting people in your area. He did ultimately end up moving to my town within a few months of us talking and we've been together ever since. We'll both be 27 by the time we get married, and it'll probably be at least another couple years before any kids come along. I definitely want a family, but I also think things take time and there's not as much of a rush needed as it might seem like at times. That's just my two cents.

[Allouette]

Just to chime in; my momma is an academic who had her first baby at 35, and her last at 43, and we all turned out fine (in fact, I'd say we're a pretty kickass bunch). It also meant that by the time she had us, she was well-established enough in her job that she could spend more time at home with us without missing out on building a career. Having kids late is definitely not the end of the world, and your eggs are nowhere near bad quality unless you're, like, fifty when you start popping them out. (Also, an FYI, my parents met at work after they had both gotten their PhDs; both of them had been engaged during grad school, but both broke off those engagements en route because grad school + serious relationships can be hard to juggle.)

[biotechie]

Don't let where you are from determine when you think you should have a family... that's just silly. If I did that, I'd be having a baby in the next 6 months or so. You should note that egg quality doesn't really start to diminish until mid-30's, and you don't really have to worry until you're 40. Lots of women have children at around 40, and most turn out fine. I'm not sure where you've gotten your information.

 

I've been told that graduate school is supposed to be the most selfish time in your life... a time where you focus on you. You work on yourself as a person, yourself as how you apply your talents to your field, and where you really want to end up when you graduate. Yes, there is networking, and there will be group outings to the local bars, but I don't think graduate school is about finding a significant other in any way, shape, or form. I had a boyfriend when I went into my masters studies (molecular biology), and I just did not have time for him the way I wanted to contribute to a relationship. Somehow he stuck with me, even now that I've moved 13 hours away from him for my PhD studies. If I were existing on your timeline, I should have married him over a year ago and  I'd be scrambling into marrying him as soon as I go home for Christmas, and then having babies throughout my PhD. Instead, IF we marry, it will be late in my studies or after I graduate at age 29 or 30. Babies aren't a priority for us, but if we wanted them, we'd have lots of time. I can't imagine having a baby during graduate school or even being pregnant during my studies.

I guess what I want to say is that I don't think you should make a major focus of your graduate school experience on finding a guy to date. I realize you won't have 60-hour lab weeks + classes like me, but remember that you're going to graduate school to make something of yourself and to give yourself a chance at a future in a field that you love. If you meet someone, great... but if not, you're doing a masters, not a PhD, so you're not going to be in school too much longer. Then you'll have tons of time after the work day to scout for guys. Don't try to squeeze everything into this "perfect" timeline you've generated in your head. Life never ever works that way, and you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. Saying, "I'd like to be married and have a family one day," is great... You can even make a pinterest board full of things you think are amazing. However, saying, "I want to be married with 2.5 kids and a shiny car before I'm 30," is not at all realistic. You're very lucky! We live in a society where this longer period of self-growth is becoming more normal, and now you have the chance to make sure your head is screwed on more straight before jumping into anything. Does that make sense?

Edited November 10, 2013 by biotechie

[LittleDarlings]

It does make sense. I think more than anything I am afraid it won't happen.  I didn't meet anyone in grad school the 2 important relationships I had both lasted 3 months each (how could they have been important then? lol) and they didn't end because of what I did.  The first ended because he took a job and "didn't want a long distance relationship" which it wasn't long distance at all. The other ended because he just decided he didn't want a girlfriend anymore.  So it is like ok I don't have a ton of time to meet someone because say I meet the perfect person again and they dump me again? I just worry that it won't happen and I want a family so much so it is hard.  Even though my focus should be on my program and I do feel passionately about my program and I am so excited to start this process but it still worries me. 

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

It does make sense. I think more than anything I am afraid it won't happen.  I didn't meet anyone in grad school the 2 important relationships I had both lasted 3 months each (how could they have been important then? lol) and they didn't end because of what I did.  The first ended because he took a job and "didn't want a long distance relationship" which it wasn't long distance at all. The other ended because he just decided he didn't want a girlfriend anymore.  So it is like ok I don't have a ton of time to meet someone because say I meet the perfect person again and they dump me again? I just worry that it won't happen and I want a family so much so it is hard.  Even though my focus should be on my program and I do feel passionately about my program and I am so excited to start this process but it still worries me. 

It sounds like your problems are bigger than just wanting a husband+family. You have almost no experience with relationships and it seems like you'd do anything to make a guy happy. You should try casual dating for a few years before looking for anything serious. You don't want to love a guy way more than he's willing to love you. From everything you've said, that's how it seems. You need to be able to dictate the terms of the kind of relationship you want instead of just doing whatever he wants. If you don't work on yourself, I'm afraid you'll jump into something serious with the first guy who shows interest. Like other people have said, grad school is a time to work on yourself. Aside from spending the next few years working on yourself in an academic/career sense, I think you need to work on yourself in a personal sense. You need to be confident in who you are and be picky with who you let into your life. If you jump into something the way you are now, I think you would get used. I don't want to sound like an asshole but I'm just being honest. You need to just forget everything everyone's ever told you about how to live and just find out how you want to live. Maybe you need to talk to someone about it--someone you can trust. 

[memyselfandcoffee]

I think you are very young and shouldn't be in a panic to find a husband. Its great that you know what you want and are honest with yourself about that. But you do have a good few years within which to meet someone.

 

You really can't predict the future, so while it is possible you may meet someone when you move you move for gradschool, you may not. You will have less time for socializing and that is factor. but then again at your age there are plenty of available potential partners on campus, so who knows.

 

My sister when she was 27, got asked by her company to go work for a year in a middle eastern country. They were offering her big money to go, but she was reluctant b/c mainly she wanted to meet someone and get married and didnt want to arrive home at age 28/29 still single. I said to her, sure you could meet someone there'. she said i highly doubt it, there is too much of a culture difference.I remember saying to her, there is no guarentee you will meet someone if you stay at home, reading books on how to trap a man. Anyway she decided to go, for money and career and reasons. And guess what she met a lovely man, got married and now has two adorable kids. Her husband is a really lovely guy and is mad about her. and my sister also had bad luck with men, ie dated losers who treated her badly.

 

so my advice is go to grad school, it doesnt rule out you chances of meeting someone and you will get  qualifications for career you love, if and its only an if, you dont meet someone you will be 24 with a great career and plenty of time to meet someone special.

 

But remember marry in haste, repent in leisure. If you want the dream of happy family life, dont jump at first availbale man- I know far too many people who made that mistake and now are miserable or divorced or very unhappy.

[mandarin.orange]

To me it is like now or never because who wants to be 30 and single with no prospects and no kids?

 

 

 

I'm 23 almost, I have about 2 more years to meet a suitable person date them for a year and a half and get engaged, married and have my first baby. Assuming I meet the person tomorrow that still puts me at about 27 or 28 for a baby, assuming I want more than 1 kid I have about 5 years for 2 more. That is if I meet someone tomorrow which is pretty unlikely. So if I wait don't meet someone until 25 I will be 30 having my first kid my egg quality will have gone down and that's bad. I have a lot to think about! If it were up to me I would have been in a serious relationship at 21 engaged by 23 and married at 24 then I would be in grad school, married and hopefully pregnant or trying to get pregnant. I just feel like I will have so much stress off of me when I get into a good lasting relationship.

 

If this is what you want and your mindset, I encourage you to put exactly this, verbatim, into your online dating profile.

Edited November 10, 2013 by mandarin.orange

[LittleDarlings]

 

 

 

If this is what you want and your mindset, I encourage you to put exactly this, verbatim, into your online dating profile.

Lol yeah right... then no one would date me. 

[biotechie]

Lol yeah right... then no one would date me. 

 

I think you realize the point of the "desperately seeking perfection" photo, but are skirting around the true meaning... Don't desperately seek someone; it is incredibly likely you'll be eternally disappointed. I swear guys can smell desperation, and then they run. After my last boyfriend dumped me, I spent about a year trying to fill what I felt was a void. Then I realized I could have lots of fun with just my regular friends doing other things, and I stopped trying to find someone to date so I could focus on my career. Then it was like my boyfriend and a couple of other prospects just appeared. 

Earlier Joeyboy said exactly what I was trying to get you to wrap your mind around with my previous post. Grad school really is about working just yourself. Once you can do that, I think you'll look back at this and think it was silly. You're trying to rush into precisely the things in life that require the maximum patience and time that you can give. You can't rush how someone feels for you and you can't rush your life or you'll end up absolutely miserable. I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and we're not talking marriage, yet. He wants to give me the time to work on becoming the best I can be in graduate school, and get to a point where maybe I can pause for a breath to settle down; he is waiting for me. Is there a chance we'll not work out? Yes, a slim one, but it is a big deal right there that he didn't rush me into marriage. He understands that I need to do this, and that graduate school, though sometimes a little selfish, is about me. Yes, some students in my program are married or engaged, and they're struggling to find time for their spouse (sometimes kids). Those of us that are doing well aren't tied down.

I really think you need to go into your grad program with the expectation of spending two years to work on everything about you. I would probably even suspend the online dating profile. Graduate with a degree in a field that you love, and then maybe move to a new town. Don't force dating, but hang out a local watering holes after work or go fun outdoorsy places. You'll meet someone.

[LittleDarlings]

I think you realize the point of the "desperately seeking perfection" photo, but are skirting around the true meaning... Don't desperately seek someone; it is incredibly likely you'll be eternally disappointed. I swear guys can smell desperation, and then they run. After my last boyfriend dumped me, I spent about a year trying to fill what I felt was a void. Then I realized I could have lots of fun with just my regular friends doing other things, and I stopped trying to find someone to date so I could focus on my career. Then it was like my boyfriend and a couple of other prospects just appeared. 

Earlier Joeyboy said exactly what I was trying to get you to wrap your mind around with my previous post. Grad school really is about working just yourself. Once you can do that, I think you'll look back at this and think it was silly. You're trying to rush into precisely the things in life that require the maximum patience and time that you can give. You can't rush how someone feels for you and you can't rush your life or you'll end up absolutely miserable. I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and we're not talking marriage, yet. He wants to give me the time to work on becoming the best I can be in graduate school, and get to a point where maybe I can pause for a breath to settle down; he is waiting for me. Is there a chance we'll not work out? Yes, a slim one, but it is a big deal right there that he didn't rush me into marriage. He understands that I need to do this, and that graduate school, though sometimes a little selfish, is about me. Yes, some students in my program are married or engaged, and they're struggling to find time for their spouse (sometimes kids). Those of us that are doing well aren't tied down.

I really think you need to go into your grad program with the expectation of spending two years to work on everything about you. I would probably even suspend the online dating profile. Graduate with a degree in a field that you love, and then maybe move to a new town. Don't force dating, but hang out a local watering holes after work or go fun outdoorsy places. You'll meet someone.

I understand. I honestly do, I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens  

[mandarin.orange]

Lol yeah right... then no one would date me. 

 

If that's your true mindset, though, isn't it best to be up-front? Why jump through hoops to hide your true eagerness to have a husband and family, just to get more responses, hits on the page, and dates? At some point any blossoming prospect will have to be aware of your fixed timeline as things get serious, and then it becomes blindsiding or "crazy-making" if this is something you previously tried to "play it cool" or conceal as "too crazy." Hence the "I don't want a girlfriend" or "I don't want to maintain this long-distance" exits.

 

I'm all about full disclosure. There are men out there equally as eager to start families. 

[mandarin.orange]

I think you realize the point of the "desperately seeking perfection" photo...

 

Actually, the woman eagerly raising her hand was me outing myself as a (quite happily) unmarried, child-free woman in her 30s. 

[LittleDarlings]

If that's your true mindset, though, isn't it best to be up-front? Why jump through hoops to hide your true eagerness to have a husband and family, just to get more responses, hits on the page, and dates? At some point any blossoming prospect will have to be aware of your fixed timeline as things get serious, and then it becomes blindsiding or "crazy-making" if this is something you previously tried to "play it cool" or conceal as "too crazy." Hence the "I don't want a girlfriend" or "I don't want to maintain this long-distance" exits.

 

I'm all about full disclosure. There are men out there equally as eager to start families. 

Oh I honestly thought you were just making fun of me.  I mean I know that telling a guy off the bat that I want to be married with a kid by 30 is crazy (which is why I would rather not do it) I just figure that if I get into a good relationship it will eventually lead to that.  The first guy I dated who said he didn't want a LDR was all about marriage and kids.  After our third date he told me he could see himself marrying me and starting a family in a few years, I even down played it when he said it, I didn't act all giddy even though inside I was relieved and pretty much doing back flips.  I played it cool, and we were great together.  I have no idea what happened, one day it was fine and the next he took this job working insane hours and he moved back to his hometown 45 mins away and said that was "too long distance for him".  The second guy I don't know if we even had potential to work, I was just happy to be in a relationship honestly.  He was 20 in the Marines and he really didn't know what he wanted. Everything was great at first and then he decided he wanted to move back to his dad's and work there (2 hours away) and go to school and he just didn't want a gf anymore.  I know had I been honest with him about immediately wanting marriage and kids he would have left immediately.  He said told me right before we broke up "I feel like now that I have a gf I am on a one way track to marriage and I don't want to marry you right now" which was understandable but he talked about like 10 years and honestly 10 years from now I plan to be married with at least 2 kids I hope.  

 

 

Anyways Mandarin, do you ever worry a little that you won't find someone? I don't know how old you are but you said in your 30's, do you want a family? I totally understand not everyone does, I used to work for Planned Parenthood and all those women said "I want to just have a career and I will worry about a husband and kids when I am in my 30s" which to me was like Earth shattering, the idea of being single in my 30s. Everyone is different though

Edited November 10, 2013 by Pinkster12

[CageFree]

You can't PLAN these things. You have to let go of the desperation and learn to be happy by yourself. You need to be able to be happy even if you NEVER marry and NEVER have kids. If your life is devoid of any meaning without those things, that's your problem right there.  It is way too much pressure for someone to know that YOUR happiness depends entirely on whether they stay with you.

 

Every friend I have who complains about being single seems to have some kind of strict timeline for love and family... marry by age ___, first kid by ___. They have online profiles on every dating site, speed-date, etc., and they are still single because guys  can smell the desperation a mile away.

 

The problem with having timelines and deadlines is that life doesn't work like that. Life is full of unexpected twists and turns. I met my now husband while going through a a divorce. I wasn't LOOKING... in fact, I  had "f__k off" figuratively tattooed on my forehead. I  had sworn off marriage, relationships, etc., and pictured myself living with a bunch of cats. We met at a party, and two years later we got married. We were both in our mid 30s at the time.

 

A partner worth having is going to be attracted to someone who is able to stand on their own, who has their crap together, and who doesn't make them the center of their happiness. A partner worth having isn't going to say that they "can picture marrying you" on the third date because one ought to think long and hard before getting married. Take this from someone who married in their late 20s thinking I was doing things "the right way," only to end with a bitter divorce.

 

Talking marriage on the third date should be a red flag because at that time you should still be evaluating whether you want to know that person better over the next month... not the rest of your life. This is especially true when you're only in your early 20s! 

 

Similarly, a person worth having doesn't put you at the center of their world, and isn't willing to settle for the first "Mr./Ms. Maybe" just because of fear of never finding someone else. When you date, each partner is evaluating the other person. Think about what it is you currently have to offer (and I am not talking about looks and what not... think about your life situation) to someone who would actually be worth it. If you are working on a Master's, are you likely to have to move when you finish? Will you really have the time to devote to a relationship? Can you pull your weight financially?

 

Please do yourself a favor and take a mental break from "dating." Stop worrying about meeting someone. Make yourself someone worth having by working on being happy on your own, and when you get there, either you will meet the right person, or it just simply won't matter anymore whether you do. Either way, you need to be happy being alone before you can be ready to make someone else happy.

Edited November 11, 2013 by CageFree

[Cookie]

I mean I know that telling a guy off the bat that I want to be married with a kid by 30 is crazy

The second guy I don't know if we even had potential to work, I was just happy to be in a relationship honestly.  

 

I'm quite confused about what you want. Do you want just any relationship or a good long-lasting relationship? 

Either way I wish you luck. 

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

I'm quite confused about what you want. Do you want just any relationship or a good long-lasting relationship? 

Either way I wish you luck. 

It seems like any relationship would be better than no relationship.