Finding a husband in graduate school.

[LittleDarlings]

Relationships are the easiest thing to talk about thus the large amount of comments; I think it's a little misleading to say "don't look."

 

I understand the concept; there's a good chance your enthusiasm and eagerness to have a relationship will be rewarded with liars, guys who take advantage and a whole lot of resentment after the fact.

 

When I decided finding a mate was a priority- a good mate- I looked. I'm not the type to just wander and wait for things to happen. But for me that meant putting myself out there enough to have to new experiences where I would meet new people. Through going out more with your friends, finding new hobbies, and getting involved in events you will expose yourself to more people and- more guys. (And I actually met my husband through an online dating site.) So it kinda all happens together.  Make sure you have a life, don't spend too much time with guys who want to "hang out" (since you actually want a relationship), and you'll be fine. And gosh darnit, you're 22- are you done partying already?

Lol I was never a huge partier. I go out to meet guys and when I don't my life is a fail lol. When I was with my ex he was ok with me going out and in all honestly I like going out more when I was in a relationship because there was no stress on me. I had a boyfriend and I didn't have to have the most perfect sexy outfit or perfect hair and makeup. I could wear jeans and a nice top and not a short short dress lol it was less pressure. I will be happy to not have that pressure anymore lol I do enjoy going to bars occasionally but I could do that with a boyfriend. So yeah I'm pretty much done partying. I will be 23 in December, it's time to give it up.

[msafiri]

Ok see now here is the tricky part. You all are (or most of you who replied) in relationships. And by 22 you were in those relationships or 23. I will be 23 in December. I honestly respect all of your opinions but it is easy to tell me not to rush and stuff when you are in a relationship that will likely less to marriage. That is one less thing that you have to worry about. I don't want to seem like I don't get it because I do but you all are in relationships and long term relationships or married or married with kids so of course you don't care about the plight of single me. To me it is something you already have but if you didn't have it you would probably worry assuming it's something you care about. Does that make sense?? Anyways I just know I will hopefully go to grad school out of state and it gives me a chance to grow up and meet new people and I hope that some of those new people I meet are single men who want relationships

I haven't posted in this discussion yet but I have been checking in on it. I'm 28, almost 29. I'm single. Yes, I've had a few serious relationships, but those were all in my 20s. Both of them ended terribly because, in the end, we wanted different things and I'm unwilling to sacrifice my career ambitions for a partner, especially when that partner isn't open to compromise or giving up something too. I suppose I could be out there looking but, I'm not. I'm focused on school and getting a job when I graduate in the spring, which means working on my dissertation and lots of job applications.

 

My time as a MA student might be more helpful to you. Starting in the late fall of my first year until the spring of my second year, I was in a relationship with a guy I met in my department. In a lot of ways, we were compatible. But, even though he could transfer to other locations with his job, he basically told me that unless I stayed where I was for my PhD, our relationship was over. And I decided that I wanted to work with the top person in my subfield, which meant leaving, which killed our relationship. Do I regret it? No. It was the right thing to do. I would've been unhappy and would've resented him for years if we'd stayed together. So even meeting someone at 22-24 does not guarantee that a serious relationship will lead to marriage and kids. 

 

My advice is to just live your life. Not everything happens on a schedule. I didn't intend to do a PhD right after my MA but, the economy was heading into the recession and there weren't jobs open in the fields I wanted to be in (at the time, that was international development). Instead, I decided to do a PhD, in part to wait out the economy and in part because I found something really cool that I wanted to study for years. Based on my old plans, I'm way off track/hopelessly behind schedule. But you know what? I'm happy and enjoying my life. 

[danieleWrites]

This has been an interesting thread, really.

 

I would ask you why you want to be married and have children. Not because I think that it's wrong somehow, or right somehow, but you have a specific plan about relationships that you would like to see happen. You want a serious relationship by 23, a husband and children before 30, and then life spreads out after that. The most basic problem with this plan isn't the plan, but the assumptions that underlie it. What is a husband? What criteria, at minimum, must he meet to be a husband? What if you get your MRS and MSW when he gets his MA/MS/PhD and you can't find a jobs in the same state, let alone the same town? What do you do then? Get a job that has nothing to do with your MSW so he can get his dream job? Do you stay at home?

 

If you're focus is on building a family, why are you going to graduate school first? While I agree that these things are not incompatible, they aren't necessarily compatible either. Not in today's economic climate. I have a spouse, and I'm lucky enough that he is able to move with me no matter what. To an extent. If they only job I can get is north of the Mason-Dixon line, I will have to choose between the job with him gone half the year for health reasons, or full-time with him. Can you choose between your job offers and your spouse? What if you have a child with him during grad school and you get a great job offer in Florida and has a great job offer in Seattle. What do you do?

 

I do not want to discourage you from having a personal life. I would encourage you to look at the reasons why you want a marriage during grad school, rather than looking for someone to marry in the place where you're both settled down in jobs and in homes. There is nothing wrong with serious relationships in grad school. I've seen them happen and I've seen them work and I've seen them break up. The problem is that you're looking for something permanent, but you can't promise permanence to each other in grad school because the odds of you living in the same place, and doing the work in your degree field, after school really suck. Social workers have a lot more flexibility than most, but the government is in enough of a financial bind (at all levels) that jobs for social workers are still hard to come by.

 

I don't know if you've figured out what you want in a life partner, or for your career. I would encourage you to use your graduate school time to have non-permanent relationships to figure that out. Serial monogamy is only bad if people are jerks about it.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

This has been an interesting thread, really.

 

I would ask you why you want to be married and have children. Not because I think that it's wrong somehow, or right somehow, but you have a specific plan about relationships that you would like to see happen. You want a serious relationship by 23, a husband and children before 30, and then life spreads out after that. The most basic problem with this plan isn't the plan, but the assumptions that underlie it. What is a husband? What criteria, at minimum, must he meet to be a husband? What if you get your MRS and MSW when he gets his MA/MS/PhD and you can't find a jobs in the same state, let alone the same town? What do you do then? Get a job that has nothing to do with your MSW so he can get his dream job? Do you stay at home?

 

If you're focus is on building a family, why are you going to graduate school first? While I agree that these things are not incompatible, they aren't necessarily compatible either. Not in today's economic climate. I have a spouse, and I'm lucky enough that he is able to move with me no matter what. To an extent. If they only job I can get is north of the Mason-Dixon line, I will have to choose between the job with him gone half the year for health reasons, or full-time with him. Can you choose between your job offers and your spouse? What if you have a child with him during grad school and you get a great job offer in Florida and has a great job offer in Seattle. What do you do?

 

I do not want to discourage you from having a personal life. I would encourage you to look at the reasons why you want a marriage during grad school, rather than looking for someone to marry in the place where you're both settled down in jobs and in homes. There is nothing wrong with serious relationships in grad school. I've seen them happen and I've seen them work and I've seen them break up. The problem is that you're looking for something permanent, but you can't promise permanence to each other in grad school because the odds of you living in the same place, and doing the work in your degree field, after school really suck. Social workers have a lot more flexibility than most, but the government is in enough of a financial bind (at all levels) that jobs for social workers are still hard to come by.

 

I don't know if you've figured out what you want in a life partner, or for your career. I would encourage you to use your graduate school time to have non-permanent relationships to figure that out. Serial monogamy is only bad if people are jerks about it.

That's a good question about what would she do if they each got jobs in different states. Earlier in this thread someone asked her if she would drop out of grad school if the guy wanted her to and she said she would not. But your question is much better and more likely to happen. I doubt a guy would ask her to drop out of grad school after they've been dating 6 months or a year, but I can see a guy asking her to quit her job if they had to move to another state. And, like you said, what's the point of going to grad school if you're just gonna quit your career once he asks you to? 

 

The truth is, lots of young professionals and academics in marriages or serious relationships face that dilemma all the time. In my opinion, young professionals/academics tend to be more liberal and live somewhat unconventional lives, so it wouldn't be too weird for the spouses to live in different states. However, the OP seems to have a very conventional idea of marriage. Would she be interested in an unconventional marriage with her living in Florida and him living in Seattle and the kids spending time in two different cities? 

 

I ask that because there's a difference between marrying someone because you couldn't see yourself not spending your life with them and marrying someone for the sake of being married. It seems like the OP is infatuated with the idea of marriage. It seems like she wants everything that comes with a marriage. So, what if the person you really loved couldn't give you a conventional marriage but someone else could? Who would you choose? 

Edited November 18, 2013 by JoeyBoy718

[LittleDarlings]

I want a traditional marriage and family. I think if I met a guy and it was serious or we got married and he got a job in one state I would move there with him. I would either look for a job where he is or depending on his job and salary I would just be a stay at home wife and mother. I would eventually work but if I had kids I wouldn't mind staying at home with them until they are school aged. I want to go to grad school because I want this career and at least if I go to school now if I do find the husband and end up staying home I will have the ability to have this career eventually. Does that make sense?

Joey as far as who I would pick I mean I would go with who I love. I think I can make certain sacrifices and make a conventional life for us. My friend met his gf in grad school, they were living in Kentucky, she got into school here in Ohio and he moved her with her he found an engineering job and works while she goes to school. It worked for them, I just want a situation like that to happen to me. They have a good relationship and they both are in/getting into careers that make good money, and he has said that she is the person he is going to eventually marry.

Edited November 18, 2013 by Pinkster12

[nugget]

If you are in a relationship with someone who is with you because he truly loves you for who you are and you truly love him for who he is, when and if you are both ready for marriage and decide to spend your lives together, odds are that you will be able to work out some sort of solution if you get job offers in different cities or states. ex: you turn down your offer, he turns his down, commuting, long distance relationship, etc....

 

If you and your partner are more in love with the idea of being in a relationship and the benefits that go along with having a relationship (ex: commitment, financial stability, no more loneliness, regular sex, etc) more so than your actual love for each other, I have doubts this sort of sacrifice would happen. In this scenario, either one of you could be easily replaced and if someone finds a job in a different state it would make more sense to break up, move and find someone else.

 

This is why I think it's important to have standards for a partner. Commit to someone you truly cherish and (eventually) couldn't imagine not spending the rest of your life with that one person, and marry someone who feels the same way about you. It takes time to figure all this stuff out and shouldn't be rushed. If you want to be happy for the long term, I wouldn't advise being with someone you like who's a decent match and would make a decent husband. All relationships have their ups and downs and if you both aren't with the one person you truly love and cherish, odds are that your relationship won't survive the challenges and obstacles that come your way.

Edited November 18, 2013 by jenste

[nugget]

Have you heard of Randy Pausch, a man who died of pancreatic cancer and wrote a book called The Last Lecture? It's a great little book that's very moving and inspirational. His daughter Chloe was a baby when he died and he left her a piece of advice for when she gets older and starts dating. I'm posting it here as I thought you might find it helpful in your search for a good man who will treat you right.

 

“When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.”

 

Randy Pausch

Edited November 18, 2013 by jenste

[LittleDarlings]

I wish I would have ignored the words, and paid attention to actions first. It would have saved me a lot of trouble.  

[RedPill]

Well, for what it's worth.. I'm a guy(currently in undergrad with a girlfriend..but she's not going to be long-term) hoping to find my special someone in the near future. I think it's pretty crazy to be "committed" at 22. I mean, males don't even finish neurologically developing until 25. 

 

Still, I would also, like to be settled in and with a kid or two by 30.

Edited November 24, 2013 by RedPill

[child of 2]

I'm sure as you get older, more of the good fish gets taken, and you might ended up with a shitty fish.

 

Ask my mom

[LittleDarlings]

I'm sure as you get older, more of the good fish gets taken, and you might ended up with a shitty fish.

 

Ask my mom

Well that makes me feel even worse lol I REALLY need to find someone.  I am almost 23 and it is hard to tell the good fish and bad fish. 

[danieleWrites]

I want a traditional marriage and family. I think if I met a guy and it was serious or we got married and he got a job in one state I would move there with him. I would either look for a job where he is or depending on his job and salary I would just be a stay at home wife and mother. I would eventually work but if I had kids I wouldn't mind staying at home with them until they are school aged. I want to go to grad school because I want this career and at least if I go to school now if I do find the husband and end up staying home I will have the ability to have this career eventually. Does that make sense?

 

 

 

This makes perfect sense and I can understand it very well. I had my marriage and children first, and then I started school. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to go through school single, but not very hard or very much.

 

Again, I don't want to discourage you or make any judgments, but I do think that there's a certain naivete here. That you can get your degree, have a family, and then have your career when the kids are old enough. If you have one child, you're looking at five to six years before the child is in school. Add a year and half for each additional child. There's something called the baby penalty that career women pay. It's particularly penalizing for career women who take time off to raise the kids, rather than take minimal maternity leave. It can be done, get an MSW, perhaps a job for a short period of time, and then take several years off to raise the children to school age, and then return to the career. The usual outcome? Women who do that have a difficult time finding work, and the work they do find isn't in the same field they left, or at the same level. If you have a significant gap between the time you earn your degree and the time you begin to start your career, you will likely be passed over. Knowledge in the field has a use-by date; if it's too old? It become difficult to find work. This is important not because of the choice women have to face between family and career, but because of the choice you will specifically have to make.

 

You're about to invest two years of time and money into a degree. Would it be better to earn the degree now, get married, have kids, and eventually have the career, or get married, have kids, earn the degree, and then get the career? Of course, this all presupposes that people can map out their romantic lives in advance, before they have a partner. In any case, the timing of the degree in relation to job hunting does matter. For some fields, it's less important than others. There's a difference between keeping up with the research in English literature and keeping up with the research in physics. The gap between school and employment dates has to be accounted for, and that's where the baby penalty rears its ugly head. Men don't have to deal with it. You do.

[pears]

“When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.”

 

Randy Pausch

 

goodness, i wish this were facebook so i could "like" it. so much truth & good advice in so few words! see also: telling good friends from people who should remain friendly acquaintances.

[LittleDarlings]

Daniele yeah I have definitely thought about that. I already don't have a lot of work experience so for me that is important. Idk I mean in all honesty if I was married with kids right now or just married in general I don't know that I would even be trying to go back to grad school. If I had my pick right now I would be married and having kids but since I can't make that happen I have to put myself in positions that put me around potential dates

[Quantum Buckyball]

Daniele yeah I have definitely thought about that. I already don't have a lot of work experience so for me that is important. Idk I mean in all honesty if I was married with kids right now or just married in general I don't know that I would even be trying to go back to grad school. If I had my pick right now I would be married and having kids but since I can't make that happen I have to put myself in positions that put me around potential dates

 

Do you know how to cook really well and love kids? 

Edited November 26, 2013 by Quantum Buckyball

[LittleDarlings]

Lol well I can cook pretty decently. I just kind of teach myself, as long as I have a recipe I'm good to go:) and I adore kids I can't wait to have a ton of them and by ton I mean 3 I think.

[LittleDarlings]

A ton of people mentioned online dating, I've been doing that since like 19 and idk if northeast Ohio is just filled with the most awful people or what but it's been a big fail. I was thinking last night though maybe once I settle on a school or even before then, like right now, going on Eharmony. I read that it creates more marriages and it is a more marriage based website compared to others. Does anyone have online dating experience? What sites were successful?

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

A ton of people mentioned online dating, I've been doing that since like 19 and idk if northeast Ohio is just filled with the most awful people or what but it's been a big fail. I was thinking last night though maybe once I settle on a school or even before then, like right now, going on Eharmony. I read that it creates more marriages and it is a more marriage based website compared to others. Does anyone have online dating experience? What sites were successful?

Craigslist.

[LittleDarlings]

Craigslist.

Ew no people pick up prostitutes on there lol gross.

[dat_nerd]

It's simple, really. 

* Delete your dating sites. 

* Look around and realise that possession of a boyfriend isn't the be-all-and-end-all of your existence.

* Invite your friends to do stuff with you - go to nice restaurants, visit a nearby city, bake cakes. Whatever is fun, makes you laugh and makes you feel grateful for having such awesome friends. 

* If you don't have friends to do stuff with you...ask some cool-looking people you know to do the same stuff. 

* Instead of spending your time browsing online dating profiles or going on dates: take up a new hobby or sport. Join something social, like a book club or soccer team. Be willing to try new things & step out of your comfort zone. 

* Learn to enjoy your alone-time. Hot baths, cooking yourself a nice meal, watching your favourite movies. 

* Work on whatever insecurities you have. If you are terrified of public speaking, join a toastmasters society. If you think you are shy, learn a martial art or something badass to boost your confidence.

* Turn yourself into the kind of well-rounded, likeable person that blokes would rush to date. Your comments about the "plight" of being single and fears of turning into an old, infertile maid once you hit 24 suggest a certain lack of emotional maturity. The kind of blokes looking for a long-term, serious relationship are the ones who value maturity in their prospective partners. 

I call this "happy singles land". It's a wonderful place to be. 

 

Some of the best advice I've received is to focus on building strong friendships instead of looking for dates. You're more likely to see someone's true colors by being a friend first, rather than be tricked by a be-on-best-behavior date.

 

Seriously, enjoy grad school for what it is. It's already busy and stressful enough without trying to find your soulmate at the same time. 

[LittleDarlings]

I call this "happy singles land". It's a wonderful place to be.

Some of the best advice I've received is to focus on building strong friendships instead of looking for dates. You're more likely to see someone's true colors by being a friend first, rather than be tricked by a be-on-best-behavior date.

Seriously, enjoy grad school for what it is. It's already busy and stressful enough without trying to find your soulmate at the same time.

I can't see myself ever being fully happy with being single, it's just the worse thing to me. Maybe I just have way too much free time to worry about it and hopefully when I go to school I will be so distracted and hopefully have other friends but right now I just don't see myself being happy and single. Those 2 things don't go together for me. I'm turning 23 in a few weeks and I'm scared because I'm 23 and haven't accomplished anything. I have no relationship for the holidays, it just really sucks and I'm not getting younger which means the dating pool isn't getting bigger. Idk

However I will try to be positive! So one happy thing I learned about myself I actually have a good personality like people like me and I can hold good conversations and that's good in a partner I also learned a new hobby, I can crochet

Edited December 4, 2013 by Pinkster12

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

I can't see myself ever being fully happy with being single, it's just the worse thing to me. Maybe I just have way too much free time to worry about it and hopefully when I go to school I will be so distracted and hopefully have other friends but right now I just don't see myself being happy and single. Those 2 things don't go together for me. I'm turning 23 in a few weeks and I'm scared because I'm 23 and haven't accomplished anything. I have no relationship for the holidays, it just really sucks and I'm not getting younger which means the dating pool isn't getting bigger. Idk

 

I mean, you're turning 23, not 53... And even then you could fall in love and have a long, happy relationship. Just an honest two cents (meant well, I promise!): if this is the kind of vibe you give off when flirting or dating (i.e. obsessive), then it probably won't work, unless you end up in an emotionally abusive relationship (e.g. a dominating partner). On the other hand, you'll be 25 with a master's degree if you get into a program this year. An independent woman with the foundations for a solid career? Well, now we're getting somewhere. You just became like 100% more attractive to this guy.

 

And really just to emphasize: the idea that at 23 the dating pool "isn't getting bigger" is such bologna. The people who are getting married now at 23 have likely been dating their partner for a while - so that pool hasn't shrunk from that - or some reason popped its bald little head into their lives and forced their hands. 

 

I mean, your last sentence about the holidays sounds like something my 14 year old sister would say. Let's be real here - you're still very young.

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

 put myself in positions that put me around potential dates

 

Become a waitress somewhere that a lot of single guys hang out?

[ZeChocMoose]

If you are serious about the finding a husband thing - which it definitely sounds like you are, Pinkster, and you think having a husband would make you feel more fulfilled or happier with life than getting a graduate degree, I would change your strategy.  Most likely, you would be more successful in getting a husband by either (1) moving to a fairly large city, working in a service industry where you can meet a lot of different people, and living with a bunch of roommates -or- if you still are set on grad school - I would (2) select a graduate degree that has more equal gender balance as MSWs tend to skew towards women.  I am not sure what attracts you to a MSW program - but if you mention some characteristics, we can probably brainstorm a set of programs with a better gender balance.

 

I personally think (1) is the better bet if you are seriously prioritizing finding a husband.  You can always work/live in the city for a couple years and if that doesn't pan out to go back to school and try option 2 given that you are so young.  Grad school as a backup choice to starting a family is an odd choice that is why a lot of people are having trouble reconciling your strategy.  Working will also give you more life experience in general and a better idea of what type of characteristics that you are looking for in a partner too - which is win, win.

[LittleDarlings]

I can't really find any work, I've gone on so many interviews but nothing. Also my degree is in criminal justice so there isn't much a can do with that. I don't necessarily put finding a relationship before grad school, to me they are equal. I look at grad school kind of as a means to get the other, I didn't meet anyone during undergrad, I didn't put myself out there much this is like my second chance. I get to move out and go to school and actually be an adult. The Social Work thing I have thought about for a while, I know I want to go into this field, I don't know anything else I would even want to do. If I worked and lived in the city for a year or 2 and didn't meet someone then I just waste a year or 2 of my life. With grad school I have 2 years I will have a degree if nothing else and then get a better job and hopefully meet someone. Even though like I said I'm going to try really hard to meet someone during grad school so I can get married after.