Graduate student dating/relationship poll

[LittleDarlings]

I don't intend to go to grad school and just hit on every single man I meet. I am 22 I have made it this long with no serious relationships and not totally pushing it or being obviously desperate.  

 

As far as the sexist thing, I'm sorry if that offended someone but as a woman you have a limited amount of time to have a family (if that is what you want, which I am pretty sure I read a few people say it was something they wanted) 40 is the absolutely oldest I would want to have a baby and I certainly wouldn't want my FIRST child born at 40 (if I intended to have more than one) so realistically as a woman I am more worried about finding my partner now and starting a family in the next 10 years compared to a man who doesn't have to worry and can have a kid at 50 if he wants.   That is what I meant by women should worry compared to men and it isn't a farfetched idea.  

Edited December 2, 2013 by Pinkster12

[Sigaba]

 Nobody will ever criticise the choices you make for yourself for they are YOUR choices and YOUR life, but the sexist overtones of some of your generalized sentiments are bothersome to me and many others.

 

This is a good opportunity to point out that it is not too soon to avoid over generalizing ("Nobody will ever critisize...") and to make a habit of standing on your own two feet when staking out a POV ("bothersome to me and many others.")

 

I don't intend to go to grad school and just hit on every single man I meet. I am 22 I have made it this long with no serious relationships and not totally pushing it or being obviously desperate.  

 

 

You may be surprised at how perceptive professors and graduate students can be, and even more surprised at how much gossping goes on within a department.

[St Andrews Lynx]

No offense by this comment, I am shocked how people put school before families? 

Personally, I come from a family where (i) both my parents were educated to a PhD level (ii) they didn't even meet in grad school, but a number of years later. Me and my brother came a good few years after that, too. My mother would have been in her mid 30s when she had her first child (me).

 

So...from my perspective it is slightly weird to hear somebody aged 22 freaking about the condition of her eggs. Or putting the idea of a family before education. Your upbringing and life perspective is clearly different. That's fine. Just accept that everyone has their own views.

 

I am also deeply cynical of the (commonly-held) belief that giving birth is somehow the be-all and end-all of a woman's existence, and that a woman who decides to find happiness & purpose in her life without raising children is somehow "defective", "selfish" or a pitiable failure. The problem is that woman seem to believe this all-or-nothing binary, too...

[TravelBug92]

I might be a really weird case, but I'm currently in my last year as an undergrad, will be attending graduate school in the UK next year, and am engaged. There is no way on earth I would consider getting married before graduate school, I don't need the stress of planning a wedding during my senior year! My fiancé and I already discussed what we think would be best for us, and we agreed that we would get married after we finish our degrees, be it 3 or 7 years down the road. 

I also wouldn't even want to think about having a family now! The school I'll likely be going to has housing for families, but I'm assuming that those individual are older than 21/22 years old! In my opinion, as long as I'm not 40 when I finish grad school (and I hope to god it doesn't take that long!), I think having children can wait. 

[TakeruK]

I might be a really weird case, but I'm currently in my last year as an undergrad, will be attending graduate school in the UK next year, and am engaged. There is no way on earth I would consider getting married before graduate school, I don't need the stress of planning a wedding during my senior year! My fiancé and I already discussed what we think would be best for us, and we agreed that we would get married after we finish our degrees, be it 3 or 7 years down the road. 

I also wouldn't even want to think about having a family now! The school I'll likely be going to has housing for families, but I'm assuming that those individual are older than 21/22 years old! In my opinion, as long as I'm not 40 when I finish grad school (and I hope to god it doesn't take that long!), I think having children can wait. 

 

I don't think you're that weird of a case. As someone else way earlier in this thread mentioned, the population of people using GradCafe is NOT a fair sample of all the grad students in the world! I was in a similar case to you -- although I was not yet engaged at the end of undergrad, my then girlfriend was planning to move across Canada with me for me to do my MSc and we definitely discussed our plans for the future before making such a big commitment. The MSc program was two years long and we got married in the summer after the first year, which I think is the best time to do it because senior year is hectic and the final year of the MSc = lots of crazy thesis work. With all of the traveling home in the first year to visit family and plan the wedding (I probably took about 5 weeks off that year), I was a bit behind by the end of year one, but it was still possible to catch up! 

 

Also married graduate students aren't that rare, especially not in Canada. Here is a link to a survey of people doing post-docs in Canada: http://www.mitacs.ca/sites/default/files/caps-mitacs_postdoc_report-full_oct22013-final.pdf It shows that 69% of post-docs are in married or common-law  relationships, presumably those formed during or before grad school and 35% of them have dependent children. Note that the survey respondents are current post-docs in Canada, which means that they might have completed grad school elsewhere but the survey also reports that 50% of respondents finished their highest academic degree in Canada. Canadian labour laws allow for pretty good maternity and parental leave though, for both graduate students and postdocs. The common maternity/parental leave time in Canada is 1 year, unpaid, but the new parent can claim unemployment insurance and the leave is job-protected, which means tenure clocks, thesis defense timelines etc. are all frozen for the duration of the leave.

[MikKar]

I've never been in a relationship, though that's partly down to the fact I've had a bad experience long ago and that I take rejections personally. It'd be cool to have a partner but it's always easier to take interest in someone who likes you first, yet to be seen in my case. But being on your own also means you have more freedom to move around and given the way the world is going, one should not be afraid of hopping over continents in search of the job they like (at least that's how I feel in my field).

 

I'm going for graduate school for a variety of reasons, but most are mainly professional. I want to push for a researcher's career in the industry and for that, you need a Ph.D otherwise you will not be taken seriously nor will opportunities open up, it's that simple. I've gotten some decent professional R&D experience from the workplace and spent a few years in the industry so I do have an idea of what the job will be like once I am done (it's always good to know what's you are actually going for, in the end).

 

I think it comes down to what you want more, eventually. This is obviously specific to each and everyone. I don't think it is critical to be with someone, though if I can find someone nice enough and enjoy her company, then why not : I am sure it is also a fulfilling experience to be in a relationship with someone that's right for you.

Edited December 3, 2013 by MikKar

[TakeruK]

I think it comes down to what you want more, eventually. This is obviously specific to each and everyone. 

 

Yes, this is what I think too. I don't think there is a "right" or "wrong" answer to "What do you want more?". For me, my life outside of school/work is pretty important, so I had a pretty narrow geographic criteria (among other criteria) for grad school applications and there will be similar criteria when I apply to post-docs (if I don't get a job in a location I like then I will probably do something else). It will have to be a really enticing position to convince me to move away from the North American west coast. Right now, I also think that getting a PhD might more a lot more work and less free time now in the short term, but I think it will ultimately provide me with what I want more in the long term, so I am in a PhD program. The day where this is no longer true is probably the day I will leave academia!

 

But this is specific to everyone and just because I would ultimately put family and personal life ahead of my schoolwork does not mean that I think people who do the opposite are "doing it wrong". And it's not just a "binary" choice (to borrow words from previous posters) -- it would be very unhealthy in the long term for anyone to always choose to prioritize one aspect of their life, whether it's their own needs, their spouse, their work, their hobbies etc over all else. Happiness comes from a balance, I think, but the "balancing point" may be different for each and every person. Hence, I would say it's important to find out what balance works for you and then figure out how you can achieve that. 

[MoJingly]

Just to add another perspective:  When I started grad school I had never been in a real relationship, and school/work of course were my priority and I figured that they would remain that way.  Well, my first year I met another grad student, and we have been dating for almost three years.  Suddenly I have a different perspective, and it is more important to me to have a life/work balance, especially down the road when we look toward marriage and kids.  

 

You might have a different outlook now than you will in the future.  Love can change things quite dramatically. 

[LittleDarlings]

How did you meet him? Like in class or with friends?

[kaister]

Lulz..these threads about grad school and finding love, etc. have about summed up both my irrational and rational thoughts and fears about it all…

[papergrader83]

Well said!

Edited December 4, 2013 by papergrader83

[MoJingly]

How did you meet him? Like in class or with friends?

 

He was in my program. I have since then changed programs, so that makes it easier (I initially felt weird dating within the program).

[LittleDarlings]

I so hope the MSW program has some decent guys or I make friends with people who have decent guy friends in other programs

[Chande]

First question on the poll doesn't have an option for the currently married. I'm a second year female graduate student, got married in between first and second year. We got engaged in December of my senior year and he committed to move wherever I decided was best for me to go. We've been together since the start of sophomore year of undergrad and have lived together junior and senior year of undergrad and during my first year at graduate school before getting married. The year and a half between engagement and wedding date allowed ample time for planning, although it's a relief to have the planning all done. I don't know when we'll have kids, but we want to have at least two and my husband wants to be a stay-at-home dad while they're young.

[danieleWrites]

I so hope the MSW program has some decent guys or I make friends with people who have decent guy friends in other programs

 

Demographics: in 2004, 26% of US MSW students were male. 6% of DSW students were male. Overall 17% of graduate SW students were male. Those numbers don't reflect much change. Currently, 81% of people working in social work are female. To compound matters, in 2004, the average age of MSW students was 41.4. In comparison the average age of *all* graduate students in the US was 32.4. The average age at which people in the US received their doctorate: 33.3. A nearly 10 year gap between people working on a masters (2 year program) and people receiving their doctorate (2 years for masters, average of 5 years for doctorate) means that a majority of MSW students are starting the graduate program when a majority of students in other fields are graduating with a terminal degree. Translation: MSW students are more likely to be older women who have worked in the field for a few years before returning to get their MSW.

 

Join the graduate student council, or other university-wide graduate student organizations. Figure out your hobbies and interests and join groups that do those things. Religious organizations, hiking, bicycling, intramural sports (my university has a fabulous kickball program). Find hobbies that you genuinely enjoy and that are less likely to have gender gap. Knitting groups are usually all female and four-wheel-drive groups are likely to be all male. Don't join in an activity you dislike just to find a man, but don't not try an activity you haven't done before either, just because it might seem desperate. If you don't like it after you've tried, be honest. People hate it when someone pretend to like something just to get a date. Never works well.

[CageFree]

You probably should have had an option for people who are already married. I had just gotten married when I started grad school.

[misskira]

You probably should have had an option for people who are already married. I had just gotten married when I started grad school.

Me too.  My masters program started in April (while finishing my senior year of undergrad) and I got married in July.  They gave me Friday off, I had my wedding Saturday, and was back to school Monday.  I'm 29 now, still married plus 2 kids.  Fall will be my first year of phd if I go.

[LittleDarlings]

Demographics: in 2004, 26% of US MSW students were male. 6% of DSW students were male. Overall 17% of graduate SW students were male. Those numbers don't reflect much change. Currently, 81% of people working in social work are female. To compound matters, in 2004, the average age of MSW students was 41.4. In comparison the average age of *all* graduate students in the US was 32.4. The average age at which people in the US received their doctorate: 33.3. A nearly 10 year gap between people working on a masters (2 year program) and people receiving their doctorate (2 years for masters, average of 5 years for doctorate) means that a majority of MSW students are starting the graduate program when a majority of students in other fields are graduating with a terminal degree. Translation: MSW students are more likely to be older women who have worked in the field for a few years before returning to get their MSW.

 

Join the graduate student council, or other university-wide graduate student organizations. Figure out your hobbies and interests and join groups that do those things. Religious organizations, hiking, bicycling, intramural sports (my university has a fabulous kickball program). Find hobbies that you genuinely enjoy and that are less likely to have gender gap. Knitting groups are usually all female and four-wheel-drive groups are likely to be all male. Don't join in an activity you dislike just to find a man, but don't not try an activity you haven't done before either, just because it might seem desperate. If you don't like it after you've tried, be honest. People hate it when someone pretend to like something just to get a date. Never works well.

That seems so bleak, I am going to make friends with older married women who more than likely don't have attractive male friends.  I don't like hanging out with married people, it's not fun at all.  Oh well I am sure I can find something to get involved with I don't really have a lot of hobbies but I'm sure I will figure it out. 

Edited December 5, 2013 by Pinkster12

[biotechie]

That seems so bleak, I am going to make friends with older married women who more than likely don't have attractive male friends.  I don't like hanging out with married people, it's not fun at all.  Oh well I am sure I can find something to get involved with I don't really have a lot of hobbies but I'm sure I will figure it out. 

 

... You find married people to be no fun... but you want to be married? That's rather confusing. The assumption that married women can't have attractive male friends is also sort of sad. You seem to have so many conflicting wants/needs. It might be good to map them out since some of the things you say you really want conflict with other things you really want.

 

You make lots of assumptions about how you think things have to be or will be, and it makes me really sad. I used to be really straight laced with my life perfectly planned out. I'm much happier now that I've loosened up. Maybe grad school will do that for you. There are positives to most situations.

 

Also note that I have friends that are married in my graduate program, and they're incredibly fun to hang out with. Being married may suck the fun out of some people, but definitely not the ones that I know. Plus they tend to have larger/nicer apartments which makes having class get-togethers much easier! My married female friends are fun because they're good wing-ladies for my single friends. If we all go to the bar and a weird guy hits on the single friend that makes her uncomfortable, my married friends can get everyone out of the situation by mentioning her husband. I've got a boyfriend, so me not feeling left out in most situations around the married students may not resonate with you, but I have single friends who seem to have a great time when we're all together.

[LittleDarlings]

I'm single, I don't like hanging out with people who have boyfriends, fiances or husbands. I'm THAT bitter person at the moment. I want to be married and I guess you can be fun and married but I don't want to sit around and talk about married life and husbands and kids especially when I am single. Once I am married I'm sure I will be kind of fun, but I will be "married fun" not single fun. I would rather just have all my fun with my husband doing stuff with my husband, going out with him I don't know if I would maintain friendships if I was married, and if I did it wouldn't be with single women I don't think. I feel like my priorities at that point will change so I wouldn't want to hang out with single people. I could be wrong, Lord knows by the time I actually find someone to marry my views will probably change a ton... in the next like 50 years lol FML

Edited December 5, 2013 by Pinkster12

[DropTheBase]

I'm single, I don't like hanging out with people who have boyfriends, fiances or husbands. I'm THAT bitter person at the moment. I want to be married and I guess you can be fun and married but I don't want to sit around and talk about married life and husbands and kids especially when I am single. Once I am married I'm sure I will be kind of fun, but I will be "married fun" not single fun. I would rather just have all my fun with my husband doing stuff with my husband, going out with him I don't know if I would maintain friendships if I was married, and if I did it wouldn't be with single women I don't think. I feel like my priorities at that point will change so I wouldn't want to hang out with single people. I could be wrong, Lord knows by the time I actually find someone to marry my views will probably change a ton... in the next like 50 years lol FML

 

 

Serious question: When you do find a boyfriend, do you ever worry that you'll confuse liking the idea of marriage with the idea of marrying your boyfriend? Because, as any couple that's been married for a significant amount of time will tell you, it's hard work to stay married.

 

Maybe I don't speak for everyone's parents, but once you have kids, you'll pretty much have no time for yourselves until the kids leave for college. And by then you two are just completely different people compared to who you were when you got married.

 

DTB

[LittleDarlings]

I do worry about that. The last relationship I was in was reality short (3 months including the meeting, dating and officialness) and when it ended I was more sad about not being a girlfriend anymore and (as bad as this sounds) having to change my status on FB from "in a relationship" to "single" it was like an embarrassment. Being single is embarrassing to me. Anyways I realized that I liked the guy I was with as a person but when we broke up I didn't care as much, I didn't take it really harshly, if that makes sense? However he broke up with me (it wasn't my fault, he just said he didn't want a girlfriend) but I knew we weren't compatible at all. Our views about things were so different, and he was in the Marines and had this specific idea for what he wanted to do with his life and I never felt like I fit into that BUT I figured if we got serious we would figure it out. Had he not broken up with me, despite all that incompatibleness, I would still be with him. I would have still married him and had a family, because I want to be married and have a family and I would do whatever I had to do to make it (a marriage) work.

I don't need to be married tomorrow but I definitely want to get Into a relationship that is serious and leads to marriage now. I don't want to end up 25 and still looking for a guy

Edited December 5, 2013 by Pinkster12

[SocGirl2013]

I do worry about that. The last relationship I was in was reality short (3 months including the meeting, dating and officialness) and when it ended I was more sad about not being a girlfriend anymore and (as bad as this sounds) having to change my status on FB from "in a relationship" to "single" it was like an embarrassment. Being single is embarrassing to me. Anyways I realized that I liked the guy I was with as a person but when we broke up I didn't care as much, I didn't take it really harshly, if that makes sense? However he broke up with me (it wasn't my fault, he just said he didn't want a girlfriend) but I knew we weren't compatible at all. Our views about things were so different, and he was in the Marines and had this specific idea for what he wanted to do with his life and I never felt like I fit into that BUT I figured if we got serious we would figure it out. Had he not broken up with me, despite all that incompatibleness, I would still be with him. I would have still married him and had a family, because I want to be married and have a family and I would do whatever I had to do to make it (a marriage) work.

I don't need to be married tomorrow but I definitely want to get Into a relationship that is serious and leads to marriage now. I don't want to end up 25 and still looking for a guy

It is very worrysome that you would marry someone you by your own admission weren't compatible with just to be married. It's a lifetime commitment and the whole point of it kind of is making it with someone who you fit with (a lot like grad school applications lol). You probably won't be happy in a marraige with someone who isn't right for you, so at that point I ask you this: you want marriage so bad because you think you'll be happy being married, but doesn't the whole idea fly out the window if your marriage isn't a happy one?

Also, I am sooooo curious at this point: if it is not your partner (his qualities, compatibility etc) that matters to you as much as the institution of marriage itself, what is it about that institution, about marraige, that you want so bad (kids can be had without a marriage)?

[LittleDarlings]

I don't want kids outside of marriage, I'm old fashioned I guess in that sense. I know its common and a lot of people I went to school with have had their kids and not been married but I kind of think that's looked down on. I don't want that. If it happened I wouldn't be upset but I would rather be married. I can't say he and I would have had a bad or unhappy marriage I mean in the time we were together he was a good boyfriend we just didn't have common goals. Example, I am 22 he was 20 when we were together and he always said he wanted to wait to have kids until he was 30.. MAJOR issues for me because I want kids like immediately. We just had different goals but I did all that I could to keep the relationship, just like I would for any relationship.

[MoJingly]

I don't need to be married tomorrow but I definitely want to get Into a relationship that is serious and leads to marriage now. I don't want to end up 25 and still looking for a guy

  

You know, the older you get, the younger 25 feels.  Trust me. 

 

Do you also know what attracts a lot of men?  Independence and self-sufficiency.  I always lived my life with the belief that I would eventually meet someone.  Until then I just said I would hold the line and focus on my career/school.  In the meantime I became independent, bought a house, and learned how to be happy just by myself.  My suggestion is to focus on YOU... things come around pretty quickly when you have all your stuff figured out.