Moving Somewhere New Alone

[ashley623]

I am a 22-year-old undergrad who is graduating in three weeks and applying for MA programs for Fall 2018. My entire life, I have always lived with either my dad or my mom and at least one sibling. The past two years, I have lived with my dad, sister, and two-year-old niece because my university is only twenty minutes from my house. 

All of my programs I am applying to are out-of-state in locations I don't know anyone -- some states, I haven't even been to! I am serious about moving; a huge reason I broke up with my boyfriend and strictly decided not to pursue any relationship whatsoever is because I don't want to be tied down here. I've lived in my current location for nearly my entire life, and am really discontent with it -- I absolutely know I don't want to live here forever. Most of my family will be moving away in the next few years, anyway. 

Even though the prospect of going somewhere new is very exciting, I'm also somewhat nervous. Sometimes I fall into the trap of feeling lonely, and am afraid to be so far from anyone I know. I will be taking my dog with me as well as my horse (although might wait a semester before shipping him up). Has anyone else felt like this when moving away for the first time to a totally new place? Any tips for dealing with the anxieties of it? 

[PokePsych]

All I can say is it is going to be OK and you will grow stronger out of it. I've moved half way across the world to a country I didn't even speak the language and it's been the best decision I've ever made. I'm moving again in a year to a country I probably haven't even been before or at least a city I haven't been before. Works for me. Adventurs are fun. There are people that you'll click with everywhere. Join a club, go on meetup.com, focus on what you gain from the move. The eventual challenges will become struggles, they won't be fun. But- speaking from experience - that will pass too. 

 

Enjoy!

[lemma]

I moved to a different continent by myself when I was 18. I cried for the whole flight, so much that I ended up getting a throat infection from that and the plane's air. 

It was worth it, for me. That said, it was really hard for the first year. I would say it's OK to have a hard time moving, and that it will get better. Keep in tune with yourself and do what you need to do to stay balanced. I would also say don't hesitate to see a counselor at the university if you think you're having some trouble with the adjustments. I had really bad coping mechanisms during that first year, and in retrospect I wish I'd had some help figuring out healthier ways to deal with my emotions. 

 

[Cartcats]

On 11/19/2017 at 8:34 AM, katie64 said:

I am a 22-year-old undergrad who is graduating in three weeks and applying for MA programs for Fall 2018. My entire life, I have always lived with either my dad or my mom and at least one sibling. The past two years, I have lived with my dad, sister, and two-year-old niece because my university is only twenty minutes from my house. 

All of my programs I am applying to are out-of-state in locations I don't know anyone -- some states, I haven't even been to! I am serious about moving; a huge reason I broke up with my boyfriend and strictly decided not to pursue any relationship whatsoever is because I don't want to be tied down here. I've lived in my current location for nearly my entire life, and am really discontent with it -- I absolutely know I don't want to live here forever. Most of my family will be moving away in the next few years, anyway. 

Even though the prospect of going somewhere new is very exciting, I'm also somewhat nervous. Sometimes I fall into the trap of feeling lonely, and am afraid to be so far from anyone I know. I will be taking my dog with me as well as my horse (although might wait a semester before shipping him up). Has anyone else felt like this when moving away for the first time to a totally new place? Any tips for dealing with the anxieties of it? 

I know your dog will cheer you up. Just stay strong and be positive.

[MathCat]

I moved to another country (the US) after living with my parents my whole life. I was very nervous, but it was fine. It was a bit lonely at first, but pretty quickly I clicked with some people in my cohort. I think moving for grad school makes it easier than it could otherwise be, because when you meet your cohort most of them will be in the same situation of not knowing anybody.

[norwash]

Stay strong, everything is going to be okay. You will become independent and grow towards more and more self-sufficiency. It maybe difficult for you in the beginning, but remember you ain't lonely, you have a family, it's just that you are now enjoying your very own space.

[ashley623]

Thanks everybody for your kind words. My family actually has been driving me insane much of the time lately, so I'm actually somewhat grateful for that since it will make leaving easier, haha. I'm just trying to remember that going somewhere new on my own will be good for me, and I'll hopefully make some good friends that will replace the feeling of the need to be around currently familiar faces.

[Archaeodan]

Coming from the perspective of someone who spent their life moving to far-flung parts of three different countries (US, Italy, UK), moving always sucks. The month leading up is stressful, the first day there is exhausting, the first week lonely. However, people get how you feel and want to help you love their home. Because of the wonderful people I've met, I have NEVER lived somewhere I didn't hate leaving at the end. Culture shock exists, but as long as you approach every new situation as a chance to learn and experience another group's perfectly valid different way of doing things, you're going to have a really good time. Just take every day as it comes, say yes to as many events/hang-outs as you possibly can, and jump straight in as fast as you can. Actually move into your new place as close to the start of the first scheduled thing for school as possible. I've found it's better to have less time at the beginning to mope and be alone.

Also, pro-tip. People will know you're not local. Don't try to hide your accent or change the way you speak to sound local. You will probably end up confusing or offending people. I've found people really get a kick out of my obvious "not from here" accent/word choice. Don't over-exaggerate your accent, but embrace it, roll with the lighthearted teasing, and enjoy.

Seriously, moving somewhere new is hard, but it's rarely ever a bad thing.

PS: Skype/Facetime is your friend. Actually seeing your people from home will make you feel way less homesick than just calling or texting.

PPS: Keep the things that are part of your routine. For example, I have always spent a lot of time in coffee shops. They feel like home to me. So, every time I move somewhere new, I make sure to case out the coffee shops within the first week. Really can help you settle into a place if you keep your routine things. Bringing your dog should super help with this. 

PPPS: Unpack and go grocery shopping as soon as possible. You'll be tired and just want to crash, but trust me, the sooner you do the little things to feel more in place, the less you'll feel like your world's been turned upside down. 

PPPPS: Enjoy. This will be really good. Just go for it. 

[ashley623]

6 hours ago, Archaeodan said:

Coming from the perspective of someone who spent their life moving to far-flung parts of three different countries (US, Italy, UK), moving always sucks. The month leading up is stressful, the first day there is exhausting, the first week lonely. However, people get how you feel and want to help you love their home. Because of the wonderful people I've met, I have NEVER lived somewhere I didn't hate leaving at the end. Culture shock exists, but as long as you approach every new situation as a chance to learn and experience another group's perfectly valid different way of doing things, you're going to have a really good time. Just take every day as it comes, say yes to as many events/hang-outs as you possibly can, and jump straight in as fast as you can. Actually move into your new place as close to the start of the first scheduled thing for school as possible. I've found it's better to have less time at the beginning to mope and be alone.

Also, pro-tip. People will know you're not local. Don't try to hide your accent or change the way you speak to sound local. You will probably end up confusing or offending people. I've found people really get a kick out of my obvious "not from here" accent/word choice. Don't over-exaggerate your accent, but embrace it, roll with the lighthearted teasing, and enjoy.

Seriously, moving somewhere new is hard, but it's rarely ever a bad thing.

PS: Skype/Facetime is your friend. Actually seeing your people from home will make you feel way less homesick than just calling or texting.

PPS: Keep the things that are part of your routine. For example, I have always spent a lot of time in coffee shops. They feel like home to me. So, every time I move somewhere new, I make sure to case out the coffee shops within the first week. Really can help you settle into a place if you keep your routine things. Bringing your dog should super help with this. 

PPPS: Unpack and go grocery shopping as soon as possible. You'll be tired and just want to crash, but trust me, the sooner you do the little things to feel more in place, the less you'll feel like your world's been turned upside down. 

PPPPS: Enjoy. This will be really good. Just go for it. 

Wow, this was an awesome post - thank you. I think my mom thought I wasn't serious at first, and she had a bit of a shock when she found out I'm not applying to any grad schools in my home state. She's said a few times that she worries for me, which only heightens my own doubts and anxieties (I will be the first of her children to move away, and I'm still relatively young I guess). 

I also really thought I'd want to move somewhere several months before the start of school, but other posts on here have strictly said not to do that so I will definitely just hang out for a while longer here. 

[Archaeodan]

You're welcome I acknowledge I may sound like I'm 45, but girl, I'm 23. You're definitely not too young for this. Your mom will likely keep worrying, it's a natural feeling and a default setting for mothers, but she just wants the best for you. I had a similar issue with my mother about my latest move; she was concerned and kept telling me and it was making my own doubts worse. I ended up having to sit her down and acknowledge that even though we were all unhappy I was moving far again, there were many reasons why this was good for me She came around. Try it with yours? Powerpoints help. So do surprise donuts. Moms just want to be reassured that you've thought this through and will be ok. 

[nicokren]

Don't worry! You will be fine. I moved to NYC to attend grad school and it was a nice change of pace from NJ (not far, I know). Take time to explore your new surroundings. Learn the area. You will also meet great people at school, I know I did, and they will become a part of your family as well. 

Remember: this is your time. Enjoy it

[rising_star]

Moving always sucks. I've lived all over the US and it doesn't get any easier to pick up and move to a new place. But, the key is to try to find ways to do the things you're interested in (pursue whatever hobbies you have) ASAP so that you start to build a new network. Meetups can be good but so can finding activities (which could be art classes, open mic nights, martial arts classes, religious groups, etc.) where you meet people. The grad school and your department will also host social events where you can make new friends. Other than that? Enjoy exploring your new city! Go try things outside of your comfort zone. And remember, you aren't going to the be the only one adapting to a new place and struggling to make friends. 

[Halek]

So, I moved around a lot as a kid, but not so much in my teens and I recently moved for a technician position halfway across the country. So I definitely understand your concerns. I second meetup, although I've had more success with organizations on campus. Meetup isn't very active in my area. Either way, try to get out and meet people but try not to beat yourself up about not meeting people quickly. These things take time.
If the weather is different in the new area you're moving to, really look at what people are wear and try to dress similarly. It'll keep you from getting too cold/hot and help you acclimate. (I moved from Texas to the northern US so it has been an adventure). 
In terms of dealing with the anxieties, establish with your friends and family how you will keep in contact. If you want to use skype, then make sure everyone involved knows how to work skype ahead of time. I made this mistake. Also look up what fun cool things are in the new area you're moving to so you can get excited about the move, instead of just nervous. 

[eevee]

Hey there! I moved across the country by myself for undergrad and didn't know anyone in the area when I started, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made, and I'm planning to do the same this fall for grad school. While grad school probably won't be as cohesive of an environment as, for example, undergrad freshman year, there will definitely be events and opportunities for you to meet people in your new city! For me, making friends quickly -- especially friends who grew up in or are familiar with the area -- was the best way to start feeling really comfortable. 

[surprise_quiche]

I feel the same as the OP here. I've lived with roomates I've known since childhood for my undergraduate, but now I might move six hours away from all of my family and friends. I'm afraid I won't be able to connect with anyone/have the emotional support I need.

[ashley623]

Ironically, I really don't have many friends here in my hometown -- two of my closest friends live out of the area, and while I do have one good friend here, I don't see her extremely often. I'm sure I'll have moments of panic here and there, but I'm definitely feeling more excited than nervous at this point.  You guys are awesome. I'm sure I'll be reading back on this thread when I'm getting worried about it again. 

[GreenEyedTrombonist]

This is definitely a huge worry for me. No matter what, I'll be moving to a new place (only 1 app to a school in my state/near family) and I'm terrified I won't be able to take care of myself. Some background, when I was 19 I was living on campus without a meal plan (was supposed to buy my groceries and cook my own food). I averaged less than 100 calories a day because I value other things over cooking and eating. I lost 15-20 lbs in a month, had to drop out of two classes so I wouldn't fail (if you don't eat, you start sleeping all the time), had to move back home (lived close enough I could commute to school instead), had to start therapy after having a major depressive episode brought on by the not eating and all the sleeping, and only attended school half-time the next semester. It was really bad.

On top of that, I have some health concerns that have made it so I can't eat any breads/grains, dairy, processed foods, carb-heavy fruits and veggies, or excess sugar. I'm doing pretty well with the diet changes (still transitioning dairy out), but that's because my family is super supportive and my dad's a fabulous cook who makes most of our dinners with diet options that work for me (ex. they might make something with rice, but keep the rice separate so I can eat the main part of the dish). I've got my hands on a crockpot and my dad's cioppino recipe (and I'm working on more meal ideas that can be prepped once a week), but I'm still nervous about it. I'd really hate to move far away from family and end up dropping out of school because I couldn't take care of myself as someone in their twenties. On top of this, I really hate cooking meat (even more than my hatred of cooking in general) so I expect I'll be getting a lot of my protein through cioppino and eggs.

[Shiji E. Moji]

To GreenEyed, I feel you -- truly. I think one of the hardest parts of moving someplace new (especially when alone, and especially the first time) is this: how you live, how you eat, etc is all a mystery. Some people are naturally okay with these things; they just don't think about and it isn't a big deal. But for many of us it can be an uphill battle to find a very general, healthy sweet spot. 

My suggestion would be to pretend you're living alone now. Figure out what things would really bother you or make you really happy (regular Skype calls with the folks? A fixed budget? Quiet/noisy neighborhoods? Regular exercise? The list goes on...) For me, regular exercise and a very fixed diet is essential. Also, I plan regular calls with my parents and try to find one friend with a dog (gosh I love dogs they are just so huggable seriouslyomg). When I go home, I try to keep the same habits. BUT, plan for the inevitable. When you're low, have a plan. Who will you talk to, how will you be kind to yourself, how will you pick yourself up,...? 

I think the decision to live farther away, especially alone, isn't simple. You don't have to travel far to get a really good education, but maybe the best program for you is far from home. Either way, make your decision for YOU. If you think your mental health will, when living alone, lead to self-destruction, maybe consider the program closer to family. If you work really hard at it, I think it's possible to live alone someplace far away. But you'll have to be kind to yourself and have healthy safety nets for the really low moments.

TL;DR: Know your strengths and weaknesses and you can tackle anything! 

[GreenEyedTrombonist]

@Shiji E. Moji Thanks for the advice! I've definitely been working on my habits to try and make the transition easier (I'm making exercise a regular part of my routine and, as mentioned above, have been changing my dietary habits to be healthier for my needs). I think the hardest thing that I haven't managed to change yet is my relationship with food. I just don't value eating or cooking. I find cooking draining and boring. My hope is to turn Sunday into a meal prep day so that I don't have to spend time cooking the rest of the week (and largely depend on crockpot meals since I can throw things in and then leave it for hours). If I can consistently get my nutrition needs met, my mental health should be ok (my last real mental health problem was brought on by not eating, not the other way around), though I expect it'll take a hit with all the life transitioning that will be happening. I hope to move to wherever I'm going to school early so I can get acclimated to living alone and the local culture, but I also know I'll have to take a trip home in August to celebrate my niece and my mom's birthdays so who knows how adjusted I'll be by the time school starts. 

Chances are pretty good that I'll be moving away from the area. I have one friend who really wants me to go to the more local school (she moved 3 hours away for work and if I go to that school we'll be 30 minutes away from each other), but my entire family doesn't want me to consider their location in my decision. My dad actually really wants me to go to UConn so he has an excuse to visit Connecticut (and I have a friend in New York who really wants me on the east coast), but ultimately my family wants me to make the choice that is best for my professional goals.

[abenz]

I thought I'd chip in as I had a real dilemma recently about moving - after working overseas for nine months in country A, I had the opportunity to move with the same firm to country B (A's neighbour) for six months. Everyone told me to do it, as it was a great job, great location, guaranteed work. I turned it down to risk unemployment in my home city because I had such a gut feeling that it wasn't right for me to do now. So my advice to everyone is just to go with your gut sometimes, and remember that you can turn down opportunities! I'm currently two weeks into unemployment after my job finished, and looking for new jobs is stressful BUT ultimately I'm happier here than I would be elsewhere, even if my acquaintances think I'm crazy - and I say acquaintances because your real friends and family will support your decisions. That isn't to say to the OP that moving is bad! Far from it - I loved my nine months overseas and am gearing up to hopefully do 6 years overseas for this PhD. Just listen to your gut feelings when the time is right

[Shiji E. Moji]

@GreenEyedTrombonist No problem! Sounds like you've got a good handle on your habits and know where you might run into trouble. Now -- and this would depend a lot on finding or creating a group you like -- I'd consider planning meals with others. If eating more is the issue, having people there to encourage you or keep you on schedule might enable you to maintain good health, both mental and physical. Also, have you considered one of those "home chef" type of plans? Where they send the ingredients and instructions and you make the meals? Where you spend, say, $50 a week but with at least N days of good, nutritious dinners? I'm sure they have low-carb/dietary restriction options!  It might be a slightly expensive, but good, alternative -- especially when you live alone!

 

[TheScienceHoney]

I can sympathize. I have never lived more than two hours away from home, and have never gone more than a month without seeing my parents. Even though I live by myself now I am only 20 minutes away and still visit once a week. All of the places I applied are not only out of state, but at least a four hour flight away. I. Am. Terrified. I wish I had applied to somewhere closer to home but all the deadlines are closed. Since I've never had to deal with it I'm not sure how I'll handle not seeing my family that often. We only really grew close over this past year. I can take care of myself in any other regard, but I will probably get really homesick.

I guess everyone has to deal with this at some point though, whether it's moving for school or for a job or whatever. I just wish it weren't so hard. We'll get through it

[GreenEyedTrombonist]

@Shiji E. Moji I've actually done things like Blue Apron before (still find the cooking super annoying), but I haven't found any that don't include any grains in their meals.  I'm also concerned about making food with other people because I hate to feel like my dietary restrictions are hindering someone else. Once I'm able to fully transition dairy out, I won't even be using butter for cooking. Not sure how many people would be willing to jump on my "no breads/grains, no dairy, only low carb vegetables and fruits, and only lean meat if someone who isn't me prepares it" train. :/ 

[Shiji E. Moji]

@GreenEyedTrombonist I wouldn't worry too much about others willing to eat your food; for many people, free food is free food. Maybe make it a potluck, once a week or so, to reduce costs? I also think there are a lot of people discovering food allergies who would be very interested in new food options. Regarding your first post, I think your Sunday prep is a great idea! Especially if you think cooking is boring or tedious. Personally, I listen to podcasts or music when I cook. Or I'll call my folks and cook while talking to them, which has the added bonus of keeping me honest.  

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck! I think you'll do great wherever you go, especially with how far in advance you're tackling this issue. 

[GreenEyedTrombonist]

Thanks @Shiji E. Moji !