That Research Lady

Thanks That Research Lady!  The planets aligned just right and I secured a program manager position in child psychiatry at a notable university.  Thanks for your input!  I felt the same way deep down.

The 6th year doctoral students in my program feel the same anxiety. "Impostor syndrome" is unfortunately something common in research and academia in psych, largely due to the competitive and scholarly requirements of grad programs.
But chances are you've already faced (or are facing) your demons in order to pursue your passion. Remind yourself of the progress you've already made, rather than getting disoriented by how far you have left to go. It's the little victories and milestones that give you the strength to keep going. A regular system of self-care such as therapy, exercise, friends/family, and Twilight Zone reruns will go a long way in buffering you against the stressors of the program.
Finally, don't be afraid to ask for help. You of all people (a student of psychology/social work) should understand the importance of taking care of yourself!

Ok, I gave this matter a lot of thought and probably my suggestions are more for when you teach, especially your first courses. 
Organization Plan ahead. Not only the readings, but the types of questions you want to elicit from chapters, the types of activities that would suit different learners, and a good balance of assessment opportunities.  Yes, think about extra credit. In my case, they had to watch a movie and write a report connecting the movie with topics in class. It was a two-week window in the middle of the semester, right after the term exam (when they usually panic).  Remember introverts and students with disabilities. You don't know what disabilities they have unless they want to share with you. In general, I plan ahead for possible ADHD and dyslexic students. For introverts, I use very small group discussions and online posting.  Start your sessions with a recap and end them with a conclusion/take away. You may need to change stuff in the syllabus. Give a week-notice.  Your presence You are a figure of authority, act like one (which doesn't mean to be dictatorial!). You are not their buddy.  Dress appropriately.  That said, be kind, don't be condescending. Listen to their questions and give everyone an opportunity to ask questions, disagree, and interact.  Be on time, plan ahead if you are going to be absent (it is ok to have a conference). Remember that you are a role-model on how to behave in the real world. Be available within your own parameters and teach them that you are not available 24/7. Teach how to write/respond to e-mails, how to address other people, how to politely disagree, etc.  Don't be scared of silences.  This may be a little controversial but don't be afraid of name-picking. I found this a very good way to learn names, to have students ready to contribute with class discussion, and to have students engage with each other. For example, if someone had been quiet for a while, I would ask "Sam, do you agree with John's point?" I've never had a complaint about this and I've always had good evaluations from professors about this because you kind of make sure that everyone chips in at some point. But I understand this depends a lot on your personality, your class size, and your students.  Your content Be prepared. Read, imagine possible questions, imagine possible answers.  Acknowledge that you don't know everything, it is OK. Personally, I am very comfortable with the "I don't know that, I'll happy to look it up, would you send me a reminder so I don't forget?" I was surprised that my highest score in students' evaluations was... subject matter knowledge!  Be ready to give a lecture in case people did not read. ALWAYS have a plan B. ALWAYS.  Record keeping (you know, roughly) Keep a record for attendance, even if it is not important to you/the grade. If someone asks something, you can check if they came to class and help them better (or direct them to first get someone's notes and then come to you with questions). Keep a record for in-class participation but remember that not everyone is comfortable speaking in front of everyone else.  Keep a record for people that come to office hours. I had a student once complain at the end of the semester because I didn't him enough opportunities to respond to his questions. I had a record of how late he had been to class and how he had never come to office hours except at the beginning of the semester, how he didn't engage in class participation or in online discussions. So, he basically wasn't doing his part.  Keep a record of the things that work and the things that don't.   

Lots of great advice has already been given. I'll just add/reiterate a few points:
 
Stick to the number of hours allotted in your contract. Do not work more than the number of hours for which you are paid. Talk to your union rep if you need to hold the instructor of record to account (better yet, don't be afraid to tell the instructor early on that it's taking you longer than the budgeted amount of time. They may be able to identify some problems/inefficiencies; alternately, you can revise the budget). Teach the students you have, not the students you wish you had. Never show weakness. Don't apologize (unless you really screwed up somehow), stick to the letter of the syllabus, etc. Otherwise, it'll come back to bite you in the evaluations. Don't make exceptions and meet students outside of your stated office hours Don't take your evaluations to heart. There's always an asshole or two. And if you're a woman, just remember that women tend to get harsher comments than their male colleagues. If a student gets shouty or aggressive in your office hours, stop engaging. Tell them to leave, and call security if they don't. Don't over-prepare. Prep will always take up as much time as you allow it to take up. Get yourself off-book (/off-slide). All you need to do is take some time to identify two or three crucial points that need to be conveyed, and just focus on getting those across. It'll make for a much more dynamic discussion. You don't need to prepare twenty-plus slides, or an hour's monologue. Start and end class on time. Grade with a timer. Like prep, grading will expand to suck up all available time if you allow it to do so. Don't be too detailed with your comments; almost everyone will just ignore them anyway. Keep the door open when meeting with students.

I also have to disagree with NicholasCage's comment.  90-95 percent of academic institutions in the United States are teaching-focused institutions; therefore, most of us will end up there.  Your teaching skills are going to be an important part of the hiring process at those places.  Plus, even research-intensive institutions would rather have a professor who can connect well with students AND is a great researcher than a professor who is a terrible teacher (unless that second research has mad money).

My advice:

1. Don't spend an inordinate amount of hours preparing...well, anything for class.  Learn to limit your prep time.  Part of that is because the students are going to ignore a lot of it anyway, but most of it is because you need to learn balance early in your career.  For example, I have a tendency to do line edits on students' papers, so I try to limit myself to editing only the first page to a page and a half and then add a comment like "You have errors like this throughout your paper; please proofread and fix."

2. Related to #1, learn to wing it.  I create slides for my lectures but I no longer write extensive notes.  I actually find I lecture better when I don't have notes, because then I'm more free-form.  And I don't just mean talking extemporaneously - I mean switching gears when your students look bored or aren't getting it.  As you get more experience this will become easier.  

3. Create an organizational system for grading.  Buy folders or binders or trays or whatever you want to organize 1) graded papers 2) to-be-graded papers for different classes.  This way you won't have paper all over the apartment, which drove me absolutely nuts.  You also will be better able to keep up with assignments, lowering the risk of losing one.  If you have a choice, absolutely collect everything electronically through the course management system.  Forget all that paper.

4. Totally agree with not assuming that upper-level students know how to write properly.  If you are at an elite university, do not assume that your students are automatically good at whatever it is you're teaching them.  I was kind of shocked my first semester TAing at the quality of work I got from students at my elite university - I went to a not-elite place and assumed that the students at the elite place would be simply amazing, since the students at my not-elite place were great.  And they are amazing...in different ways...in the typical way that college students are amazing in their ingenuity and creativity (both for good and evil).  But they're not substantially smarter or better than students from other, less elite institutions. They're just richer and better prepared (on average).

A few years ago my younger sister asked me to help her with a paper that was very similar to a paper I was currently grading for a class very similar to the one she was taking at her regional public college, to which she commuted from home.  My family is blue-collar; she went to a regular public high school and was a slightly above-average student.  Her paper was better written than MOST of the students' papers in my class.

5. If you are TAing for a professor and it gets down to 2 weeks before the class starts and you haven't heard from them, contact them yourself.  Most times you will get an apologetic "Oh yeah, I'm teaching a class!"  If you get a brush-off equivalent to "Mmm, I'll think about it in two weeks," prepare for an interesting semester.

I think the most important to remember is similar to what hashslinger said.  Remember that we were the nerds in high school and college - we showed up shiny and excited to learn.  Particularly if you are teaching an intro class, your students will not be as excited as you, and some of them will never get excited.  They may be taking it because it's an easy GE requirement, or they need some extra credits, or they heard it was an easy A.  Perhaps 10% of your class will decide to major in the field; maybe another 10-20% will not but will be genuinely interested.  The rest will be some varying levels of "whatever." Visualize that 20-30% when you are preparing lectures, but realize that not even close to everyone is in that area and some people will be grubbing for grades.

Oh, also, don't be afraid to indulge in geekery, as long as you don't go down the rabbit hole too deeply.  One of the things that has reached my students is how geeked and enthusiastic I am about my interest area.  Even when they think I'm silly and uncool, they still appreciate my passion, and in some of them it has led to really productive curiosity.
 
ALSO.  I lurk on the "In the Classroom" threads on Chronicle of Higher Education's forum.  There are lots of experienced professors there and they have AWESOME advice (and really funny stories).

I am third year now but was a first year when I read this post for the first time. I cannot begin to explain how helpful it was and how thankful I am to  @juilletmercredi for having taken the time to write it. I feel compelled to repost it and encourage those of you who haven't read it, to do so. Save it in your laptops and go back to it every now and then. 

Just want to reiterate the importance of sending in the documentation as early as possible. If my memory serves me right, it took more than six weeks for me to receive a decision regarding accommodations. Granted, ETS was updating their website at the time which caused a lot of distress, but I still think it's prudent to submit everything well in advance of the test date. In addition, I'd suggest remaining cautiously optimistic regarding the approval of the requested accommodations. I thought my condition was severe enough to justify a double time accommodation, but apparently ETS thought otherwise (I only received 1.5 time). That said, it's good preparation to take a practice test or two with the standard time allotment--at least until you've secured the additional time.
Good luck!

The dirty secret of most grad programs is the stipend is rarely enough to live on especially if you're in an expensive area, don't want roommates, or if you're an 'atypical' grad student (read: have family to support, don't have parents to support you, have a health issue, or any external adult responsibilities).
Most grad students take out student loans to fill in the gaps in their living expenses, but many don't ever talk about it because grad school is supposed to be 'free' and our packages are 'fully funded'. It's a bit of an issue actually...

I think that might be program specific. Everyone I have talked to in my program says the first year is by far the worst. The course load is high, we need to form our committee and get a research proposal together, and a lot of the cohort has had to teach 101, which means learning how to teach, getting a syllabus worked out, and the extra hours. After the first year, people have much more self directed time.

1. I wish I would have fully grasped how busy I would become. It is so much more work than undergrad.

2. In that vein, I wish I would have done more prep work, gotten more freezer meals cooked and frozen before school started.

3. I got excellent advice from a friend: Set a time limit and don't go over it. Let's say it is 40 hours or 50 hours or whatever. When you reach it, STOP! Even if you haven't finished the reading. There are times when you have no choice and will have to break it, but try your best to stick to it.

4. Find a place you love and when it gets too much, go there and stay there until you have gained perspective. It could be the ocean, the forest, or our back yard.

5. EXERCISE! I have stayed sane by walking to school most days and taking walks with my husband at night. It gives us a chance to reconnect and let's me look away from the screen.

6. Learn to focus and cut out distractions. I installed Rescue Robot and it lets me know how long I have spent on each site and how productive I am. It is a free app and you can put it on multiple computers. I find it wonderful because so much of my time is spent on the computer or at home reading, so it is very easy to get sucked down rabbit holes. I have canceled my social media accounts as well, to cut down on mindless surfing.

7. Try to move to your new place early if you can. Having a couple weeks to settle, unpack, and get your bearings before you are hit with school is wonderful.

8. You will no longer be the smartest person in your class. Get over it. Also, don't be intimidated by other students. Remember they have had different training and preparation. One of the hardest things as a first year was to be thrown in a class with students who already have their master's and are studying for their qualifying exams. The only way I survived was that one of my classmates pointed it out to me and said to keep reminding myself of it.

9. One of my biggest breakthroughs this year has been learning to take criticism without automatically assuming it means I am stupid. Important lesson!

10. Have fun and remember you are in an incredibly privileged position. I think 5% of Americans have an advanced degree.

You can ask, but there's a good chance they won't have them ready. 
I make up mine the week before class starts, and wouldn't expect to have them finalized for a student until the first day of class. 
As for getting ready, take time off, relax, travel. This will be your last summer off in, well, ever. Enjoy it. 

I think you'll get several different responses because most likely every psych student does something different.  Some of my classmates preferred to share the reading by dividing up the articles and then trading notes.  That doesn't work for me so I generally just didn't read the whole article to save time.  I read the abstract, methods, and results and took a few notes in the margins.  If the week was exceptionally busy and it became clear that I couldn't read 5+ articles times 3-4 classes then I picked 3 per class to read using the above method and just read the abstracts of the others.

I'm starting at a new school in the Fall for a Ph.D in Clinical Psych and, for some reason, I can't find much online about how psychology students work in classes. For example, when professors assign 5+ papers to read per class/week, how do you best take notes on this? I know there is an entire system for cases in law school and I have to assume someone has a similar system for psych. What do you find are the most important things to take from a paper when you're learning it for a class/what is your system?
I realize that, especially in psych, research is more of a focus than classes but it's still going to be a huge time consumer. Also, do you take notes on paper or computer? Just curious on how people on here do things!

This strikes me as taking an elitist "my discipline is the best discipline" approach to thinking about who conducts therapy. Would you say that only those with training in psychology are qualified or could those with a background in nursing or other medical areas be qualified? Ultimately, why is it that you think only specific courses can prepare someone to counsel others? (And also, what good is writing a master's thesis for someone who wants to be doing therapy, counseling, or other hands-on work? What would they gain from devoting extensive time to research, rather than to field experiences?)
Because your question made me curious, I googled the MSW curricula for two schools: Florida State University and the University of Georgia. I won't link to FSU because, for whatever reason, the link isn't secure. But the UGA revised curriculum requires courses on human behavior, working with individuals, working with groups, and psychopathology. Even their old clinical curriculum required those courses. Are there specific course requirements you take issue with? Is there really only one "proper" way to be trained to be a counselor?

I created an account just to respond to this topic, after reading the first 15 pages and enjoying not only the thoughtful responses, but the evolution in recommendations alongside tech. I am chiming in with what works for me. I was a non-trad undergrad and begin graduate work in a Humanities program (literature concentration; apparently I want to be poor forever) this coming fall. The ink is barely dry on last semester's final papers, and I'm already nerding out hard about school supplies.
When I was first giving college a try (mumble) years ago, I just used any old crap, as long as it was cheap. Now that I'm older, and have wasted about a Brazilian dollars replacing cheap junk, I believe in "Buy once, cry once." After much trial and error, this is what worked for me as an undergrad, and what didn't.
Osprey Celeste Backpack -- Amazon reviews made me choose this over North Face. For one, it's lighter. For two, it was much cheaper. I paid about $60 for it. I got a year-old model on Amazon for extra savings. It's perfect in every way. Has a pocket for everything, carries a bunch of stuff (I think 29 L?) but is compact in size. Also came in Candy Orange. (Orange makes me happy. It's the little things.) Super durable, looks and behaves good as new after two semesters of hard use.
Moleskine Cahier Journals -- Spirals are the worst. By the end of a semester they come apart on me.  I get the new XXL size cahier, which is about notebook paper size, and after my brother's Barnes and Noble employee 30% discount and including tax, I pay a little over $5 a piece for them. One notebook holds an entire semester's worth of notes for 15 hours worth of classes, two semesters in a row. Plus my husband, who has some artistic ability, has fun decorating the plain kraft brown cover for me. I love how smooth and fine the paper is, and how narrow the lines. I also use a smaller Moleskine journal for notes on each major paper I'm writing. (Little bit of trivia: I had to call Moleskine customer service once, and inadvertently found out how they pronounce the name: mole-uh-SKEE-nuh. Who knew?!)
Moleskine Planner -- I got the 18 month weekly academic planner. It's my bible. I have used it for two semesters, and will use it this summer and in the fall, at which point I will probably switch to a 12-month daily. It's been great, but I think having a full page for each day will be even better. I got the Peanuts edition because Snoopy makes me happy and, again, it's the little things.
Stabilo colored pens -- My husband had a set of these that lasted 20 years. I found them in the garage, necromanced them, and used them for a semester, when they started to finally dry out, so I got another set. I use them to color code my planner. Each semester I assign a color to each course so when I write in my planner I know which class the item is for at a glance. I use that same color to head and date note pages in my Moleskine. There are enough colors that I don't have to reuse the same color two semesters in a row, so I don't get confused. They also come in a durable, attractive little striped plastic case.
Stabilo Boss highlighters -- I wouldn't believe Amazon reviews that these last 10+ years if I hadn't experienced Stabilo pens. These highlighters are smooth, vibrant, and perfect. After a semester of heavy use, still going strong.
Columbia Regretless rain jacket -- These are $100 or so retail but I found one for $20 on Amazon. It lives, rolled up, in the bottom of my backpack. Super light, so I forget it's there until I need it. This has saved me a million times over on my half-mile treks to/from the parking lot. Much better than an umbrella. It zips up all the way up to your nose and the hood tightens down with a drawstring and has a little visor over your face. I stay bone dry from the hips up in this thing.
Skechers waterproof work boots -- These look like ugly-adorable hiking boots but are actually mens workboots. If it rains, even though these aren't my favorite shoes fashion-wise, I wear these and they never fail me.
Teva sandals -- Or anything comfortable. Essential in Texas where it's hot 9 months out of the year.
Contigo 20 oz. Autoseal tumbler -- I just lost this the other day after a year of hard use and almost cried. It has never ever leaked, it's easy to clean, and it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold for hours. You need a bottle brush to clean the inside thoroughly.
Trader Joe Spiced Chai tea -- I gave up coffee in January b/c my OBGYN said it can mess with hormones. I didn't die. Instead I drink tea now and this is my fave. Other chai tastes like medicine. This is $2.50 a box for 20 tea bags. Add a dash of heavy cream, stays hot for hours in my Contigo.
Brown Betty tea pot -- If you're a tea drinker, this original ceramic pot handmade in England is not expensive and makes the best pot of tea ever. Might still be available on Amazon.
Google Drive -- I am ashamed to say I only discovered Google docs and Google Drive this semester and I don't know how I lived without them. My kindle Fire has trouble with it but I edit on my iPhone. I love being able to hop on a computer in the school library and pull up all my work without lugging a laptop around.
Google Docs -- Why would I ever pay for MS Office again?
Kindle books -- Have saved me a lot of money, plus you only have to remember one item. I think my kindle might be dying, though, so I may be going back to paper for a while. It can be a pain when page numbers don't sync up with the prof's edition, but I love being able to search the entire book rather than flip through page after page. Really helps when writing papers.
Bic Atlantis pens -- Smooth, bold line without being too bulky. (The Bic Velocity was too thick and messy.) Inexpensive. I may switch to Pilot G2 though.
Avery Six-Pocket Organizer -- This is basically 3 folders in one with six transparent pockets. I used to carry a big binder with a divider for each course but it was bulky. Now I carry this to keep syllabi for each class (all instantly visible in the transparent pockets) and stick handouts behind them. Very slim, light. My notes stay in my Moleskine. I often need to print out journal articles, so I keep a separate slim binder for each individual research paper, and only bring it with me when I need it.
Lap desk - Really handy if you use a wireless mouse with your laptop.
Netflix/Hulu/Amazon Prime -- Essential.
Amazon Prime for Students -- A discount on Amazon Prime. Check it out.
Evernote -- I've been paying the $6/month for premium but I may stop. For a semester I religiously scanned and uploaded every page of notes, but I didn't use the digital versions enough to make it worth it. This semester I stopped using it almost altogether, and didn't miss it. I use Google Docs way more now.
External wireless mouse and keyboard -- Makes using a laptop more flexible and comfortable
Bluetooth keyboard -- Works great with my kindle. Wouldn't use it for big jobs like writing papers, but for my Digital Humanities course where we needed to bring a machine, it was more convenient than lugging my craptop.
Noise-cancelling earbuds - I found some good ones on Amazon for $9.99. Now I can go to the Pub on campus for lunch and barely register the terrible pop music.
Friends -- I have two "school BFFs." We have basically nothing in common outside of school but we don't need it. We have our suffering to unite us. Find buddies and support each other. It helps.
Things I plan to acquire:
Lenovo Thinkpad - I need to replace my old craptop and my brother, who teaches computer programming, recommended this. A lot of his students use it.
WD 1TB external hard drive -- I will probably use this when I start my TA-ship next year. For now Google Drive is fine.
Dry erase board with markers -- My husband uses this at work and wants us to get one, put a week's worth of more detailed planning on it alongside our regular monthly calendar.
Avery Multiuse Ultratabs -- I will probably get these for my Moleskine daily planner because it doesn't have tabs and I like to be able to see the months at a glance.
Moleskine Chapters Journal -- I'm considering doing a bullet journal type thing so I can organize non-academic aspects of my life, which for a while have been woefully underrepresented. This has several sections and a table of contents page, so you can have sections for finances, household, fitness, medical, etc.
Brother laser printer -- We have a Canon MG 5200 Inkjet with a scanner and copier that prints color. Ink is EXPENSIVE. I can get a monochrome Brother that duplex prints for $79 refurbished on Amazon, and I think it will save a lot of money. We'll keep the Canon for fancier jobs.
Chacos sandals -- These are a sorority girl staple but they're popular for a reason. Waterproof, adjustable straps, last forever, lifetime guarantee with free repairs. Worth the hundred bucks, especially in this climate where it's hot but it flash-floods often.
Believe it or not, I could add more, but this is long enough. I hope it helps someone.
Kristen

Well, I'm not chronically physically ill, but I am suffering from chronic mental illness and I'll be starting my PhD in computer science this fall.
My mental health journey has been...an interesting experience to say the least. It started about 2 or so years ago when I was about half-way through my 3rd year of undergrad (this is my 5th and final year). As of right now my diagnoses are schizoaffective disorder (depressive type, mood disorder dominant), panic disorder, HPPD, PTSD, and Aspberger's/HFA. It's been difficult and there were times when it severely affected all aspects of my life, college and family included. There were times when literally everyone who knew about my condition was urging me to dropout and consider long term hospitalization (this came after, we'll just say, a credible threat to my safety). There were more times than I care to mention when I seriously considered giving up for good.
But I pushed through and now here I am 2 years later about to graduate with a BS in computer science and well on my way to starting a PhD. I know doing a PhD is order of magnitude more stressful and difficult than undergrad, but I feel that now that I have matured some and learned to cope with my conditions I should be able to get through this.

Inspired by this post  does anyone feel like sharing the phone and tablet apps that they find most useful for school?
 
(I finished my undergrad ten years ago, when smartphones didn't exist, so I'm sure there's all sorts of fantastic things out there I have no idea about.)

Yeah, I totally agree. I am finishing my first year in a research-focused Clinical Psych PhD program. I worked in the private sector before beginning my program and I try to treat school basically like a job: work ~8-4 every week day and mostly not work otherwise. The difference is that there is less consistency in grad school. If we have a big grant or paper deadline, I might work more than 40 hours. If there is a lull in work, I may work less than 40 in a given week. I study trauma, and my research group and mentor us a feminist lens-- which may contribute to the fact that they prioritize and model for me the importance of having a life outside of school/work. For example, I have had several older students and even a faculty member basically say you can get away with skimming reading for classes, perhaps only reading things that are particularly relevent to your research area. This obviously shaves off significant work. Most days I am able to arrive home by 5 and make dinner and hang out with my partner. Right now I don't do hardly any work on the weekend. 
In general, I feel WAYYYY more chill in grad school than I did in undergrad. I worked a part time (20 hr/week) job through school, and was probably doing too many extracurricular activities. I've definitely since honed my ability to say no to things!
I say this with the caveat that I am in my first year. From what I've observed in older students, my program's work distribution progresses as I describe below. I'm not sure if this is relevent, but it helps me to realize how I'll have to spread my time.
First year: focus on getting acclimated; doing well-ish in your classes (2/term); banging out your master's project; doing work in your mentor's lab; your 20-hour per week job (RA or TA)-- this often ends up being less than 20 hours; and minimal clinical training mostly starting with ~6 hours per week at the VERY tail end of the year Second year: finish your master's, keep doing your 20-hour per week job; take on more clinical work the full year (~6-9 hours per week; we begin in our neuropsych clinic this year); continue classes (2/term) Third year: do lots of research & try to publish; keep doing classes (2/term); transition to having more therapy clients (6-9 hours per week); plan for dissertation and/or apply for fellowships Fourth year: big thing is externship (~20 hours at a local hospital/VA/community clinic); possibly take a few straggler classes but probably done with classes; full steam ahead on dissertation planning / begin IRB applications & data collection; we DO NOT have to do comps at my school; continue working in mentor's lab Fifth year: DISSERTATION!!!; continue working in mentor's lab depending on whether you get a fellowship; apply to internships; possibly continue externship to get more clinical hours; continue publishing.  I've probably left something out, but that's the gist!

I've decided on a two part plan for my summer
Part 1: Brush up on my stats, read over some journals for ideas for a first-year project, connect with my cohort
Part 2: Get through my "State Bucket List" which includes all food/drinks/shop/and other fun places before I move out of my home state for the first time ever. I also will be taking some "mini" trips on my weekends off from work and spending as much time with my family & friends as possible

About your dog: I think that depends entirely on you and your program. I am in a social science program where the majority of my analysis and writing can be done from home, and I prefer to work from home or from a library (as opposed to my cube in the windowless cube farm). When I was taking classes I was generally there from 9-6 or so, but now that my coursework is finished I am rarely at the school itself. I go for meetings, seminars, interesting kinds of things and I do most of my work remotely. My time is verrry flexible, and if my building didn't prohibit it I would get a dog in a heartbeat. Another thing to keep in mind: a dog can be a great comfort when you're all stressed out over graduate school.

Advice?

Age:
-Don't feel like you have nothing to offer just because you are younger. I was 22 when I started graduate school. You got accepted to the program for a reason, and chances are you are just as equipped as any older students are to successfully complete the program, just in a different way.

-Your older classmates may be just as terrified as you. Talk to them. You have a lot in common. You are, after all, in the same place.

-You will feel like an imposter, like you don't belong, or like you are constantly behind. Or all three. It's normal. It will pass. (Well, sort of.) People of all ages go through this.

Adviser related:
-If you are lucky enough to get both research interest fit and personality fit perfect, congratulations! But sometimes, personality fit is more important than research interest fit as long as the research isn't too different. A great adviser is interested in your career development, likes you as a person, advocates for you, and wants to hear your ideas. Even if his or her research is quite different from yours, they may give you the autonomy to work on your own projects and just supervise you. A bad personality fit will drive you nuts, even if you love his or her research. Consider that when evaluating your adviser fit. (This will vary by field: research fit may be less important in the humanities, more important in the natural and physical sciences. Social sciences are somewhere in-between.)

-Don't be afraid to be straight up blunt with your adviser when it comes to asking about your progress. Ask if you are where you should be both academic program wise and getting-a-job-after-this-mess-wise.

-Be proactive. Advisers love when you draw up an agenda for your one-on-one meetings, come with talking points and progress to share, have concrete questions to ask, and have overall shown that you have been thoughtful and taken control of your own program. Of course, this won't immediately come easily to you, but in time you will work up to it. Every semester I type up my semester goals, and at the beginning of the year I type up annual goals. I show them to my adviser and we talk about whether they are too ambitious, or whether I need to revise them, and how I can meet them.

-Don't expect your adviser to actually know what courses you have to take to graduate. They will know about comprehensive exams and the dissertation, but a lot of professors don't really keep up with the course requirements, especially if their program is in flux. Get you a student handbook, and find out what you need to take. Map it out in a grid, and check off things when you finish them. Show this to your adviser every semester. You may have to explain how such and such class fills a requirement.

-Nobody loves you as much as you, except your mother. Keep this in mind as you take in advice from all sources, including your adviser. Your adviser is there to guide you, but that doesn't mean you have to do everything he says.

Studying:
-You will have to read more than you ever did before, in less time than you ever have before, and you will be expected to retain more than you ever have before. The way that you studied in undergrad may need some tweaking. Be prepared for this.

-Corollary: you may find that your methods change with age or interests or time. I preferred to study alone in college, but in grad school, I prefer to study in groups. It keeps me on task and the socialization keeps me motivated. You may find that you shift from being a more auditory learner to a visual learner or whatever.

-You will feel behind at first. This is normal.

-At some point you will realize that your professors don't actually expect you to read everything they assign you. This, of course, will vary by program, but there will be at least one class where the reading is actually impossible to do in one week. The point is to read enough that you know the major themes and can talk intelligently about them, and then pick some of the readings to really dig into and think more deeply about.

-For most programs, don't worry so much about grades. If you stay on top of your work and do what you're supposed to, you will probably get an A. How much grades matter varies from program to program. In some programs, a B is a signal that you are not up to par, and more than a few Bs will warrant a discussion with your adviser or the DGS. My program isn't like that - A, B, it's all meaningless. My adviser doesn't even know what my grades are. But at almost all programs, a C means you need to retake the course, and two Cs means you have to convince the DGS not to kick you out.

Extracurricular activity: What's that? No, seriously:
-A lot of your time will be unstructured. You will have coursework, but most grad classes meet once a week for two hours and you may have three classes. You may have meetings with your adviser every so often and some seminars or things to catch (like we have grand rounds and colloquia that are required), but a lot of time will be unstructured. However, since you have so much more work than you had in undergrad, you actually will have less free time than you had in undergrad. This may initially cause you great anxiety. It did for me. Some people love unstructured time, though. (I don't.)

-Because of this, you'll have to be planful about your non-grad school related stuff.

-TAKE TIME OFF. DO it. It's important for your mental health. However you do it doesn't matter. Some people work it like a 9-5 job. Some people take a day off per week (me) and maybe a few hours spread across the week. Some people work half days 7 days a week. However you do it, there needs to be a time when you say "f this, I'm going to the movies."

-Find your happy place, something that keeps you the you you were when you came in. I love working out. It gives me energy and I feel good. I stay healthy. I also love reading fiction, so sometimes I just curl up with a good book, work be damned. You have to give yourself permission to not think about work, at least for a couple of hours a week. You may also discover new hobbies! (I never worked out before I came to graduate school.)

-Your work will creep into all aspects of your life, if you let it. This is why I hate unstructured time. You will feel guilty for not doing something, because in graduate school, there is ALWAYS something you can do. ALWAYS. But since there will always be more work, there's no harm in putting it aside for tomorrow, as long as you don't have a deadline.

-You may need to reach outside of your cohort for a social life. None of my close friends are in my doctoral cohort. I've met master's students in my program, master's students in other programs, and I know a few non-graduate students I hang out with, too. Go to graduate student mixers. (If your university doesn't have any, organize some, if you like planning parties.) Join a student group that doesn't take up too much time. I had a doctoral acquaintance who kinda laughed at me because I joined some student groups other than the doctoral student one, and I was usually the only doctoral student in those groups, but I met some close friends (and future job contacts) and had a good time.

-DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR WANTING A LIFE OUTSIDE OF GRADUATE SCHOOL. This is paramount. This is important. You are a well-rounded, complex, multifaceted human being. NEVER feel bad for this. Everybody wants some kind of life outside of work. Yes, you may loooove your field, but that doesn't mean you want to do it all day long. Some other doctoral students, and perhaps professors, may make you feel bad about this. Don't let them. Just smile and nod. Then disappear when you need to.

Career:
-This is job preparation. Remember that from Day One. Always be looking for ways to enhance your skills. Read job ads and find out what's hot in your field, what's necessary, what's in demand. For example, in my field statistics and methods are a hot commodity, and they're not a passing fad. I happen to really like statistics and methods, so I have pursued that as a concentration of mine.

-Don't be afraid to take on volunteer work and part-time gigs that will give you skills that will be useful both inside academia and out, as long as it's not against your contract. Your adviser may be against it, but he doesn't have to know as long as it doesn't interfere with your work.

-If you want to work outside of academia - if you are even *considering* the possibility - please please definitely do the above. Even if you aren't considering it, consider the possibility that you won't get a tenure-track job out the box and that you may need to support yourself doing something else for a while. You will have to prove to employers that you have developed usable, useful skills and this is one of the easiest ways to do it. But don't overdo it - get the degree done.

-For more academic related ones - always look for opportunities to present and publish. Presentations look good on your CV. Publications look better. When you write seminar papers, wonder if you can publish them with some revision. Write your seminar papers on what you maybe think you may want to do your dissertation on. Even if you look at them three years later and think "these suck," you can at least glean some useful references and pieces from them. Discuss publication with your adviser early and often, and if you have the time and desire, seek out publication options with other professors and researchers. But if you commit to a project, COMMIT. You don't want to leave a bad impression.

-If you can afford it, occasionally go to conferences even if you aren't presenting. You can network, and you can hear some interesting talks, and you may think about new directions for your own research. You can also meet people who may tell you about jobs, money, opportunities, etc.

-Always try to get someone else to pay for conference travel before you come out of pocket. Including your adviser. Do not be shy about asking if he or she can pay. If he can't, he'll just say no. Usually the department has a travel fund for students, but often it's only if you are presenting.

-If you are interested in academia, you should get some teaching experience. There are two traditional ways to do this: TAing a course, and teaching as a sole instructor. If you can help it, I wouldn't recommend doing a sole instructor position until you are finished with coursework. Teaching takes a LOT of time to do right. You should definitely TA at least one course, and probably a few different ones. But don't overdo it, if you can help it, because again, it takes a LOT of time. More than you expect at the outset. If you are in the humanities, I think sole instructor positions are very important for nabbing jobs so when you are in the exam/ABD phase, you may want to try at least one. If your own university has none, look at adjuncting for nearby colleges, including community colleges. (I would wager that the majority of natural science/physical science students, and most social science students, have never sole taught a class before they get an assistant professor job. At least, it's not that common n my field, which straddles the social and natural sciences.)

-Always look for money. Money is awesome. If you can fund yourself you can do what you want, within reason. Your university will be thrilled, your adviser will be happy, and you can put it on your CV. It's win-win-win! Don't put yourself out of the running before anyone else has a chance to. Apply even if you think you won't get it or the odds are against you (they always are), as long as you are eligible. Apply often. Apply even if it's only $500. (That's conference travel!) Money begets money. The more awards you get, the more awards you will get. They will get bigger over time. If you are in the sciences and social sciences, you should get practice writing at least one grant. You don't have to write the whole thing, but at least get in on the process so that you can see how it's done. Grant-writing is very valuable both in and outside of graduate school.

-Revise your CV every so often. Then look and decide what you want to add to it. Then go get that thing, so you can add it.

-The career office at big universities is often not just for undergrads. I was surprised to learn that my career center offers help on CV organization and the academic job search, as well as alternative/non-academic career searches for doctoral students. In fact, there are two people whose sole purpose it is to help PhD students find nonacademic careers, and they both have PhDs. This will vary by university - some universities will have very little for grad students. Find out before you write the office off.

-It's never too early to go to seminars/workshops like "the academic job search inside and out", "creating the perfect CV," "getting the job," etc. NEVER. Often the leader will share tips that are more aimed towards early graduate students, or tidbits that are kind of too late for more advanced students to take care of. This will also help you keep a pulse on what's hot in your field. It'll help you know what lines you need to add to your CV. And they're interesting.

Other:

-Decide ahead of time what you are NOT willing to sacrifice on the altar of academia. Then stick to it.
I'm serious. If you decide that you do NOT want to sacrifice your relationship, don't. If it's your geographical mobility, don't. I mean, be realistic, and realize that there will always be trade-offs. But you have to think about what's important to you for your quality of life, and realize that there is always more to you than graduate school.

-If you don't want to be a professor, do not feel guilty about this. At all. Zero. However, you will have to do things differently than most doctoral students. Your adviser will probably never have worked outside of the academy (although this may vary depending on the field) so he may or may not be able to help you. But you have a special mission to seek out the kinds of experiences that will help you find a non-academic job. Test the waters with your adviser before you tell him this. My adviser was quite amenable to it, but that's because I told him that my goal was to still do research and policy work in my field just not at a university, AND because it's quite common in my field for doctoral students to do non-academic work. If you're in a field where it's not common (or where your professors refuse to believe it's common, or it's not supposed to be common)…well, you may be a little more on your own.

-Every so often, you will need to reflect on the reasons you came to graduate school. Sometimes, just sit and think quietly. Why are you doing this to yourself? Do you love your field? Do you need this degree to do what you want to do? Usually the answer is yes and yes, and usually you'll keep on trucking. But sometimes when the chips are down you will need to reevaluate why you put yourself through this in the first place.

-To my great dismay, depression is quite common in doctoral students. Graduate work can be isolating and stressful. Luckily your health insurance usually includes counseling sessions. TAKE THEM if you need them. Do not be ashamed. You may be surprised with who else is getting them. (I found out that everyone in my cohort, including me, was getting mental health counseling at a certain point.) Exercise can help, as can taking that mental health day once a week and just chilling. Don't be surprised if you get the blues…

-…but be self-aware and able to recognize when the depression is clouding your ability to function. Doctoral programs have a 50% attrition rate, and this is rarely because that 50% is less intelligent than, less motivated than, less driven than, or less ambitious than the other 50% that stays. Often they realize that they are ridiculously unhappy in the field, or that they don't need the degree anymore, or that they'd rather focus on other things in life, or their interests have changed. All of this is okay!

-You will, at some point, be like "eff this, I'm leaving." I think almost every doctoral student has thought about dropping out and just kicking this all to the curb. You need to listen to yourself, and find out whether it is idle thought (nothing to worry about, very normal) or whether you are truly unhappy to the point that you need to leave. Counseling can help you figure this out.

-Don't be afraid to take a semester or a year off if you need to. That's what leaves of absence are for.

Lastly, and positively…

…graduate school is great! Seriously, when else will you ever have the time to study what you want for hours on end, talk to just as interested others about it, and live in an intellectual community of scholars and intellectuals? And occasionally wake up at 11 am and go to the bank at 2 pm? Sometimes you will want to pull out all of your hair but most of the time, you will feel fulfilled and wonderfully encouraged and edified. So enjoy this time!

(grumbling audibly)... I've been through four PCs in seven years. I finally decided to stop getting "real" PCs and just got a little step up from a netbook for nothing dollars, since it's going to die on me in two years anyway. I back everything up on an external HD now too. 
Some day a Mac though I think is in order... 

Wow, 4 hours every day has gotta be rough.  I don't know if I could do that, but your posts give me some hope! Thanks for the ideas!

Is there a train station near by? You may want to look into what train tickets cost and what the schedule is. You'll have less flexibility, but at least that way you could read and get work done on the trip to minimize the time lost in the commute. It may not be feasible depending on the expense, but it's just another thing to consider.

I haven't experienced what you are experiencing at school. Some if your unhappiness may have to do with the circumstances you are in and some of it likely has to do with your depression. I encourage you to seek support for your depression and to take some time for yourself every day for hobbies or other activities that you currently (or used to) find enjoyable, relaxing and fun so that your can get a break from the stress you experience every day at school. Sometimes it helps make friends outside of school that aren't grad students to get a completely different perspective on life, or to connect with family and close friends by phone or in person.
You are almost done the program. You might not find any benefits to your degree right now, and perhaps you never will. But that doesn't mean that someone who will hire you one day won't find value in your education. This might be the very ticket to your dream job and you just don't know it yet. Hang in there. You are only a few months away from moving away and moving on. 
 

When I was in my masters program, I commuted 1.5-2 hours one way. The time spent driving honestly wasn't bad- it was the only "break" all day I had to myself where I was forced to do nothing but listen to music and chill. I was super busy because I worked full time, in addition to being a full time student and doing grad research. The only thing that sucked was that I had to drive into Washington, DC, where traffic and a-hole drivers were a daily nightmare. So if your school is in a high traffic area, I hope you have more patience than I do haha. My social life suffered a decent amount, but I made a really good friend, whom I'd frequently go to Happy hour with after class, so its not that I had no social life.
i don't think my academic life suffered much since I typically got my reading done during the day, and would sometimes stay at school until it was all done- this usually meant I would leave my house at like 6am and get home around 10-11pm, but I didn't mind since I just sleep when I get home.
i also second what fuzzy said about the weather. Sometimes an unexpected snowstorm or insufficient plowing increased my commute to 3-4 hours one way, which blew. 
I'm assuming you have a good reason for living far from school, but I definitely feel your worries, 1) because I've done it already, and 2) im bracing to do it again for a year- my S/o is willing to move to a new state with me for my phd program, but postdocs are limited for him there, so we'd have to live in a halfway point between our two institutions   
Tldr; as others said, there are many external factors that may get in the way, but my personal experience was that it wasn't that bad.
Best of luck!!
-edit-
just saw the reason for your commute would be because of your husband. Me personally, I decided that my quality of life would be much higher living with my S/o and commuting, rather than living apart and being close to school. Good luck!