Dal PhDer

Hi there,
 
The second month into my PhD, I ended my 5 year relationship. The breakup was very painful, poisonous, and vicious. At the time, it was hard. Battling the emotions everyday; figuring out the logistics of moving while managing course work, writing grant applications, and RA work; and putting on a brave face at school and work was so difficult. I can remember getting an email from him in the middle of the day at work, and having to quietly leave and cry in the bathroom. So yeah...it sucked. (throwing out his $300 golf shoes did feel good though!!)
 
With all that said...it was worth it. It gave me a sense of 'rebirth' (that sounds so new-age!)..but it's true! I got to go back an experience grad school being single and having the freedom to do whatever. I didn't have the constriction of catering to another person- I could work until 4am (or party!)....It REALLY changed me, and for the better.
 
So while it's hard now...know that you'll get through it. I didn't think I would ever heal or be able to move on- but I did. Take the time to recover and heal- it takes awhile.But know that afterwards, you'll be okay- and you'll be able to start over on an exciting path!

To get in, probably nothing less than a 3.7. Once you're in, I heard that anything less than a B is considered 'failing'. 
 
With that said, my experience with grad school was much different than my undergrad experience. Things are graded very differently, less on a 'right/wrong' basis, and more on a content/strong argument basis - at least in my field. 

Like crazygirl, I have heard (and witnessed) some crazy cray stuff happen between TAs/students....like naked photos being sent to the TA, or sexual notes being placed in their assignments.

I've been in a situation where my close friends where in the class I TA'd for. If I ever felt that I couldn't mark them fairly, I would give them to another TA or to the professor.

As for dating- I think you're getting into a really sticky situation. As others have said- EVERYONE WILL KNOW!! Don't think that they won't...they will...trust me...TRUST ME! And as someone who is in a department with students who are trying to pretend 'not to date'...you will be talked about constantly! It might not bother you, but I would worry about how it might impact others' opinion of my credibility and or professional capacity...not to mention, it could be a huge liability for you for future work in the department.

I TA a lot, and I always am really careful at how students and other professors see me interact with the students I teach...I always meet in areas where there are lots of people and always have a history of our communication. I would never want to be in a situation where a student approached the department and said that they felt their mark in the class was tainted by our interactions/relationships. So dating an UG in a class I had would be completely off limits....

I might try thinking about the big potential picture rather than the short term 'randy' picture

I lived with my mom for the first two years of my PhD. I did it because it made sense financially and worked with my family dynamics (helping my mom take care of my grandfather). 
 
I won't lie, I kind of felt weird telling people about it, thinking they would think that I wasn't independent or self-sufficient...but honestly, everyone I talked to said they would do the same thing if they could! {{On a side note, I actually LOVED living back home...it was kind of nice to have someone be all like, 'oooh, you're working so hard dear, here's a snack!' or 'ooh, you're getting home so late tonight, I'll make sure to have dinner ready!' ...it was literally heaven! It was also nice to spend time with my mother who saw me as a roommate, and a woman- rather than a child. I had a lot of great time with her and enjoyed it!}}
 
But I knew it was temporary- just like it's temporary for you! And it's also a great way to ease into the transition of your program without the worry and stress of finding a place, roommates, etc. You can worry about that later - if you choose to!
 
I also think if you're spending 10-14 hours a day at school/work, then why pay for a place where you're hardly there? 
 
On another note: I think the western culture pressures children to leave from the nest early and go off to find their own lives- it's a sign of success and growth. In a lot of eastern cultures, the family stays together through out the entire lifespan..the same sense of success that leaving has in the western culture, is accomplished by being there for your family and creating a sense of community. So, in other cultures, it's normal for a child to live with their parents well into adulthood, and be there to support their parents in a bunch of ways! This has always bothered me, because I live close to my family and see them everyday- I do this to help them in a number of ways, but people often see it as a co-dependence and me not being self-sufficient...but I'm choosing to do it- I don't need too...ok...done tangent rant!

You are spot on! I am environmental health sciences!! It's a little crazy how much of a greenie I was when I was a kid and I didn't even know it!!! I was also obsessed with Little House! Did you NOT want to be half pint!?!?! That was totally the life! I still believe going back to horse and wagon would be awesome!! Perhaps I am seeking out my Amish Paradise!?!

It's crazy how much our childhood characteristics and beliefs are still in us and we don't realize!

fuzzy has given you some really great advice!

For me, the first few steps in generating a research project are as followed
1) I read a few papers in the area that I am interested in...if you do a good broad search, 15 may be enough- this is really discipline dependent.
2) Once I know the 'area' that I am interested in, and have my papers, I look at the discussion section and see what kinds of limitations these studies faced or listing as gaps in the current knowledge. This helps me see what the current issues/gaps are in this area.
3) once I know the gaps and have more detail in the area that I am interested in, I can start forming a question.

For me, it was helpful to have a question to take to my supervisor to begin with. It kind of gives you a working point to start off of.

Key things I think about when I read the literature and think about my question are: what will be my dvs and ivs, what is my population of interest, is there a specific methodology/method I want to use, what kind of data might I need to answer my question, who might I need to work with..etc. Figuring out these kinds of things will help you narrow your question.

IMO, I think it's better to to a broad lit search to help you figure out your question. Once you have your question down, then it's time to really dive deep into the literature. I have recently changed my dissertation topic, and came up with a new question and objectives. I have written a 7 page proposal with easily 35+ papers referenced in it. Some of these are skimmed, or for specific items- on average, I try to read 4-5 articles a day, and synthesize/write along with it.

Hopefully this helps!

I think you risk more going behind your PIs back and checking around for other positions...there other people you ask might be hesitant to take on a student who is going behind the back of their supervisor...also, if your supervisor gets wind of it, it might be an non-repairable situation in your relationship.
 
I would (a) talk to your department chair about the possibility of switching and working with another advisor, and ( talk to your current supervisor about the issues you're currently struggling with.
 
You should also consider the fact that your PhD work is merely a means...it's not the work you'll always be doing. So if you're working on a funded project that you think will hold your interest and move you in and out quickly, it might be worth staying. 
 
I know when you're in a situation that's not making you happy, you tend to react quickly...but I would just step back and weigh your options, and make sure you have open communication with your PI.
 
I considered adding a co-supervisor, and went to talk to some people while I was still steaming and unhappy in my situation. I 100% regret it, because i feel I didn't present myself and my abilities as an honest and dedicated student. If people think you flipflop when the time gets rough, they won't take you seriously and will remember you as someone who was unsure, potentially wasted their time, and disrespected their own advisor. I'm not saying that this is you, but having been in a situation where I was looking for other options, I really regret jumping forward without taking a step back and considering the implications and future networking issues that I might have caused.
 
Goodluck!

Happy Monday folks!!!

I don't know why you keep making it specifically about race... it's minorities in general. Gender, LGBTQ, ethnicity, age...there are many people who face stereotypes each day.

The OP has come to a graduate student forum asking graduate students about their experiences and opinions- and my opinion is that she should not feel alone and should also be comforted by the fact that some of what she feels is what we all feel. The OP is not alone in feeling overwhelmed and anxious, many of us (regardless of our backgrounds, individual circumstances or environments) feel this way....these feelings are undoubtedly going to be amplified if you are facing additional pressures as a minority. People come on this forum all the time explaining a personal and individual situation/scenario and asking for advice and experience about how they are feeling. A lot of the time I haven't been in that situation, but I can relate on some level to how their feeling and choose to offer my advice and opinion on that in hopes that they are comforted by the fact that another person on some level is experiencing the same feelings/emotions they are going through.

I do not believe I ever tried to discount, down play or reduce how the OP is feeling or their personal situation of being a minority. My only intention was to offer support and suggest that they are not alone in some of what they are experiencing. If you would like to manipulate and misconstrue my intentions, you can. But saying I am acting as if I am "colour blind" and suggesting that I am insulting racial and ethnic minorities is completely incorrect. That was not my intention nor how my post was delivered.

I said outright that I do not know how it feels to be a minority and/or the pressures that come along with it. My point is that I think most- if not all - grad students feel they have to live up to above standard expectations, and they are always striving to impress and prove that they are qualified and competent enough to be where they are. Whether or not these are in comparison to what the OP and/or students of minorities are feeling I do not know...but I do believe that regardless of race, sex, income, age, sexuality, , weight, single parents, physicially and/or mentally impaired... grad students are prone to feeling they need to prove themselves- regardless of the 'stereotypes [that] have been foisted' on them.

Also, I would like to point out that I think every grad student should "find a good balance between your own expectations and goals for yourself and what may be forced upon you by your environment"..

Hi there,

I have not been in a situation where I have felt like a minority, so I can comment on that...but I can say that 99% of graduate students feel that they have to work harder than the next person to re-enforce that they are a competent student. I think graduate students always feel they have to meet some unknown bar that is set especially high just for them, and that they have the responsibility to themselves, their department and advisor to meet an unrealistic goal. I think that's just who we are.

I hope others can offer more advice to your specific question about being a minority...but I think you should feel a bit comforted that these feelings you have might be due to the fact that you're just a grad student, and we all have those feelings.

I don't know why you keep making it specifically about race... it's minorities in general. Gender, LGBTQ, ethnicity, age...there are many people who face stereotypes each day.

The OP has come to a graduate student forum asking graduate students about their experiences and opinions- and my opinion is that she should not feel alone and should also be comforted by the fact that some of what she feels is what we all feel. The OP is not alone in feeling overwhelmed and anxious, many of us (regardless of our backgrounds, individual circumstances or environments) feel this way....these feelings are undoubtedly going to be amplified if you are facing additional pressures as a minority. People come on this forum all the time explaining a personal and individual situation/scenario and asking for advice and experience about how they are feeling. A lot of the time I haven't been in that situation, but I can relate on some level to how their feeling and choose to offer my advice and opinion on that in hopes that they are comforted by the fact that another person on some level is experiencing the same feelings/emotions they are going through.

I do not believe I ever tried to discount, down play or reduce how the OP is feeling or their personal situation of being a minority. My only intention was to offer support and suggest that they are not alone in some of what they are experiencing. If you would like to manipulate and misconstrue my intentions, you can. But saying I am acting as if I am "colour blind" and suggesting that I am insulting racial and ethnic minorities is completely incorrect. That was not my intention nor how my post was delivered.

Hi there,

I have not been in a situation where I have felt like a minority, so I can comment on that...but I can say that 99% of graduate students feel that they have to work harder than the next person to re-enforce that they are a competent student. I think graduate students always feel they have to meet some unknown bar that is set especially high just for them, and that they have the responsibility to themselves, their department and advisor to meet an unrealistic goal. I think that's just who we are.

I hope others can offer more advice to your specific question about being a minority...but I think you should feel a bit comforted that these feelings you have might be due to the fact that you're just a grad student, and we all have those feelings.

I don't know why you keep making it specifically about race... it's minorities in general. Gender, LGBTQ, ethnicity, age...there are many people who face stereotypes each day.

The OP has come to a graduate student forum asking graduate students about their experiences and opinions- and my opinion is that she should not feel alone and should also be comforted by the fact that some of what she feels is what we all feel. The OP is not alone in feeling overwhelmed and anxious, many of us (regardless of our backgrounds, individual circumstances or environments) feel this way....these feelings are undoubtedly going to be amplified if you are facing additional pressures as a minority. People come on this forum all the time explaining a personal and individual situation/scenario and asking for advice and experience about how they are feeling. A lot of the time I haven't been in that situation, but I can relate on some level to how their feeling and choose to offer my advice and opinion on that in hopes that they are comforted by the fact that another person on some level is experiencing the same feelings/emotions they are going through.

I do not believe I ever tried to discount, down play or reduce how the OP is feeling or their personal situation of being a minority. My only intention was to offer support and suggest that they are not alone in some of what they are experiencing. If you would like to manipulate and misconstrue my intentions, you can. But saying I am acting as if I am "colour blind" and suggesting that I am insulting racial and ethnic minorities is completely incorrect. That was not my intention nor how my post was delivered.

Hi there,

I have not been in a situation where I have felt like a minority, so I can comment on that...but I can say that 99% of graduate students feel that they have to work harder than the next person to re-enforce that they are a competent student. I think graduate students always feel they have to meet some unknown bar that is set especially high just for them, and that they have the responsibility to themselves, their department and advisor to meet an unrealistic goal. I think that's just who we are.

I hope others can offer more advice to your specific question about being a minority...but I think you should feel a bit comforted that these feelings you have might be due to the fact that you're just a grad student, and we all have those feelings.

Hi there,

I have not been in a situation where I have felt like a minority, so I can comment on that...but I can say that 99% of graduate students feel that they have to work harder than the next person to re-enforce that they are a competent student. I think graduate students always feel they have to meet some unknown bar that is set especially high just for them, and that they have the responsibility to themselves, their department and advisor to meet an unrealistic goal. I think that's just who we are.

I hope others can offer more advice to your specific question about being a minority...but I think you should feel a bit comforted that these feelings you have might be due to the fact that you're just a grad student, and we all have those feelings.

I think you risk more going behind your PIs back and checking around for other positions...there other people you ask might be hesitant to take on a student who is going behind the back of their supervisor...also, if your supervisor gets wind of it, it might be an non-repairable situation in your relationship.
 
I would (a) talk to your department chair about the possibility of switching and working with another advisor, and ( talk to your current supervisor about the issues you're currently struggling with.
 
You should also consider the fact that your PhD work is merely a means...it's not the work you'll always be doing. So if you're working on a funded project that you think will hold your interest and move you in and out quickly, it might be worth staying. 
 
I know when you're in a situation that's not making you happy, you tend to react quickly...but I would just step back and weigh your options, and make sure you have open communication with your PI.
 
I considered adding a co-supervisor, and went to talk to some people while I was still steaming and unhappy in my situation. I 100% regret it, because i feel I didn't present myself and my abilities as an honest and dedicated student. If people think you flipflop when the time gets rough, they won't take you seriously and will remember you as someone who was unsure, potentially wasted their time, and disrespected their own advisor. I'm not saying that this is you, but having been in a situation where I was looking for other options, I really regret jumping forward without taking a step back and considering the implications and future networking issues that I might have caused.
 
Goodluck!

Here are a few suggestions for conferences:

- Did you do an undergraduate honours thesis? If so, submit to several local conferences. I would first try for an oral and then a poster.
- Have you worked on any research projects or have the opportunity for paid RA work? often this work will require you to present (in either poster or oral form) some stage of the work
- Approach your supervisor and say you're looking for opportunities to gain experience presenting at conferences. Sometimes they will send you to a conference to present a poster of their work, or will give you some data to analyze for a poster or oral presentation
- Do you have a proposal for your Masters thesis? Present this work at an in-house conference through your department, university, or even another university/student run conference...with these conferences you are almost always able to snag an oral spot. I would also apply for a poster presentation at large conferences.

Conference attendance often depends on where you're located. If you are at a university in a large city (in Canada this is normally TO, Montreal, Ottawa..etc) you will probably have access to more local conferences without minimal cost. If you have to travel, you can often apply to your department/university for travel awards (each graduate student at my university has $500 allocated to them for travel cost...minimal, but it does help)....also, if your supervisor is in a position to afford to send you, and you are presenting their work, it's a win-win for them...I would suggest going to your supervisor ASAP with a list of conferences you have found that you would like to apply for, and either suggest you submit some of your current/previous work, or ask if they have anything you could present.

I think there are many types of jobs out there...some people work shift, some 12 hour days, and other 9-5 M-F. There are a lot of people who come home from work in the evenings and weekends and that's their time to relax. Having been in a relationship for 5 years with someone who was like this, I felt bad a lot of the time when I said "I can't do that this weekend, I have school work to do". For some relationships it's a breaking point, and for others it's not- and it does require managing and balancing commitments (in and outside of school). IMO, I think that in a longterm relationship it's a bit more forgiveable if you can't always give your outside of school commitments the same amount of time as your in school- your spouse, friends, and family normally understand. However, I think when you're dating and just starting a relationship, sometimes the other person might not be as forgiving...but it's not a black or white situation.

For me, I balance my time with work, school, friends, and family- with that said, I am often telling my friends I have to work, and spending evenings and weekends putting in time on my dissertation. I have tried dating a few times, and to be honest it was too much of a time commitment for me. I would rather spend my extra free time with friends and family then go on a date 2 - 3 times a week. It's not that I value it more over a relationship- but I just see my PhD as another relationship in my life.

It's certainly possible to date during your PhD and be successful! I mean there's tons of success stories on here. But I do think that for a lot of people, dating while you're doing your PhD is difficult- especially if you're dating someone who isn't in the same shoes as you. (It also might be that I am in a barren city...)

It's not just about talking about your day, it's also the understanding that when you're in graduate school there are many sacrifices- such as your time.

It's not that I think PhD students should always date other PhD students...I just think that when you're in a longterm relationship and you make the choice to do your PhD, your partner is accepting that there will be sacrifices and you might not be there. But when you're dating and starting out in a relationship, I think it might be a bit harder for a partner to accept those sacrifices. Not to mention the process of dating and finding someone is a lot of work! I think if you're on the dating scene, dating other students might be easier, as they are more accepting of your time limitations.

There's always exceptions, but as someone who is single- it's a legit concern for me that if I start dating someone they might not appreciate/understand the time constraint (and the frequent mini meltdowns pre-supervisor meetings)...

I feel like I carry everything I own everyday...
 
Bag 1: Normally my old MEC backpack
-Wallet
-Cell
-Laptop (cord and mouse)
-Headphones
-5lbs of keys
-Lip gloss
-Textbooks (1-2)
-Notebooks (1-2)
-Note cards
-Agenda
-Pens/highlighters
-Lunch & afternoon snack & a snack for emergencie
-Coffee mug
-Water bottle
-Costco sized bottle of Advil (not joking...it goes everywhere with me!)
 
Bag 2: Tote
-Sneaks
-Gym clothes
-Makeup / deodorant
-Hat for post-gym hair
-Towel
-Yoga Mat (occasionally)

I don't know...I completely understand about the professional attitude you set off when you talk poorly about your supervisor...but I think it depends on your audience. I see gradcafe a place for students to come, interact, and converse about their experiences in gradschool- their problems, the ups, the downs..etc. Your supervisor determines about 80% of your gradschool experience, and people should be able to openly discuss their relationships on here without feeling like they are looked upon as unprofessional. I think this an outlet for a lot of students who might not have the social networks to fall back on...sometimes you need to 'bitch' it out, so that you can go back the next day and handle it all...I also think it's important to hear other people who might be having a hard time, so you know you're not alone.

As for my relationship with my advisor...(for the OP)...it's goes on a day to day basis. I try really really hard to look at the bigger picture, but it can be hard. I also try really hard to remember that, while my degree and him are the center of my life right now, I am just one little letter in his big bowl of alphabet soup...but that doesn't mean he doesn't do things that frustrates me or that I think are lacking...it's just important to know that they're human- just like us! Also, most advisor-student relationships are dysfunctional!

You can check online to see if they have a CV posted. 
 
It would be quicker than going through the individual funding sites, year by year, and finding their name.
 
Also, you might want to do a quick search of your university website. If you type their name in, you might find out a lot more than they say on their faculty webpage.

You can check online to see if they have a CV posted. 
 
It would be quicker than going through the individual funding sites, year by year, and finding their name.
 
Also, you might want to do a quick search of your university website. If you type their name in, you might find out a lot more than they say on their faculty webpage.

Thank you everyone for your supportive words.
 
1. Long story short, I successfully defended and am graduating in two weeks!
 
2. Difficult person was somewhat annoying but oddly cooperative in person. We sat down together and discussed his thesis comments and I realized that had he been clearer I would've realized that most of his comments were "take it or leave it" and that there were only a couple of bigger issues that we settled right then.
 
3. My entire committee is done with him. My advisor will definitely never work with him again, and one person has one as far as vowing to vote no if/when this person reapplys for his faculty position here.
 
4. You all were right about not letting this experience ruin research for me. I had an interview for a job (which at this point I'm guessing I didn't get, but moving on) and my excitement made me realize that I'm not done with research yet, there's still plenty of passion within me.
 
Now to just sit back and relax....before turning my thesis into a manuscript of course.