2018 venting thread

[WildeThing]

Harvard has a scholarship for people from my country, but you need to be accepted to receive it so I was waiting to hear back before wasting their time, since their deadline is more than a month away. 10 minutes after receiving my official Harvard rejection I received an email from Harvard saying that I can apply to this grant if I want! Thanks! Please tell the department to accept me and I will gladly take your money.

[chellyfish_]

14 minutes ago, WildeThing said:

Harvard has a scholarship for people from my country, but you need to be accepted to receive it so I was waiting to hear back before wasting their time, since their deadline is more than a month away. 10 minutes after receiving my official Harvard rejection I received an email from Harvard saying that I can apply to this grant if I want! Thanks! Please tell the department to accept me and I will gladly take your money.

Oh my gosh  You'd think they'd have someone keeping track of these things so they wouldn't rub salt in the wound?? Oi.  Or better yet -- take the money (thanks for the offer Harvard, lol) and abscond with it elsewhere! 

[chellyfish_]

Unrelated vent -- I must have checked the box in the GRE that gives schools my email (past me, why?!) because I'm getting endless emails from schools warning me my application deadline is near, my fees are waived, etc, none of which I actually applied to or have an interest in.  This wasn't so big of a deal a couple months ago, but now each new one in my inbox gives me a teeny heart attack!

[WildeThing]

9 minutes ago, chellyfish_ said:

Unrelated vent -- I must have checked the box in the GRE that gives schools my email (past me, why?!) because I'm getting endless emails from schools warning me my application deadline is near, my fees are waived, etc, none of which I actually applied to or have an interest in.  This wasn't so big of a deal a couple months ago, but now each new one in my inbox gives me a teeny heart attack!

Same, I've been getting emails from schools about applying and they always have similar spellings to one's I'm waiting on.

[FishNerd]

@la_mod and @mk-8

I know I'm a little late to the thread but I just wanted to say I think it is totally justified to be nervous of leaving your respective partners. Long-distance is frankly terrifying to me and while I have not done it with my partner, I have been terrified of the prospect of that status for us. Because of that we have each made sacrifices and compromises to stay together and not have to be long distance. For example my partner graduated a year ahead of me at my undergrad (where we met) and stayed in town while I finished, so he took a sacrifice there so we could get our master's together after I graduated. On the PhD search I ruled out schools simply because there wasn't an option for him there and he had to do the same for schools he was interested in because there wasn't anything for me at those schools.

I know our situation may be different from your all's because we are trying to do academia together but I get being afraid of leaving a partner. We have both told each other that we are afraid what would happen to us over long-distance not because we don't absolutely love each other but because it's easy to get swept up and consumed with the environment immediately around you and forget your long-distance partner. We also agree that if we did happen to break up because of distance we would regret it for the rest of our lives if we then stayed separated forever. I know we could each find someone that would maybe make us happy but there would always be that "what if?" in the back of our minds and we both know that we couldn't handle that.

However, as a woman in academia who considers herself strong and independent, I do worry about people potentially viewing me as just the opposite since I am taking my partner into account in my decisions. But he is also taking me into account in his decisions. But I still worry that people will not see that and will assume that I am conceding to what my male partner wants. That fear is one of my biggest worries in bringing him up in this whole process. I really fear that my prospective advisors could think less of me because he is a part of my decisions process and, subsequently, their view of me would be tainted.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that taking your male partner into account as a female doesn't make you less of a strong and independent woman. As long as your partner reciprocates and factors you in during big decisions then I'm sure your relationship can stand whatever is thrown at it.

[la_mod]

@FishNerd thank you so much for this! People here and elsewhere have been saying that it’s silly to make long term plans based on someone I am not like, married to, and I should be “following my dreams,” but my success will not be worth it to me if I lose this person. I have other goals outside of academia, and of course I would factor those in, you know? 

Anyway, we’re going to make it work, but I’m already kind of dreading it. 

Also, I worry about bringing him up too (it’s different because you two are trying to move to the same program) to my current mentors when discussing my hopes etc. One of my professors very generously gave me this advice, which I’m going to pass along: “everyone says that rankings matter most and that you should be selfish in your decision, but you’re not going to do well in school if you’re unhappy. If you need to be a certain place for your sanity and other personal reasons, do it.” (He then recounted how he turned down two top-five schools to attend a program ranked in the mid-50s and could not be happier as a result.) 

Edited February 19, 2018 by la_mod

[FishNerd]

2 hours ago, la_mod said:

@FishNerd thank you so much for this! People here and elsewhere have been saying that it’s silly to make long term plans based on someone I am not like, married to, and I should be “following my dreams,” but my success will not be worth it to me if I lose this person. I have other goals outside of academia, and of course I would factor those in, you know? 

Anyway, we’re going to make it work, but I’m already kind of dreading it. 

Also, I worry about bringing him up too (it’s different because you two are trying to move to the same program) to my current mentors when discussing my hopes etc. One of my professors very generously gave me this advice, which I’m going to pass along: “everyone says that rankings matter most and that you should be selfish in your decision, but you’re not going to do well in school if you’re unhappy. If you need to be a certain place for your sanity and other personal reasons, do it.” (He then recounted how he turned down two top-five schools to attend a program ranked in the mid-50s and could not be happier as a result.) 

I'm so glad that my comment meant something to you  I was a bit nervous about posting this since I worry so much about people thinking less of me by factoring in my partner, but I was hoping some people on here might benefit from what I had to say.

I get the whole not being married because me and my partner aren't yet. I worry that since there isn't that level of commitment attached to our relationship that people won't take it seriously...but maybe I'm just a worrier. Everyone in my current master's program has always treated my partner phenomenally and I don't anyone think has ever judged me but I do worry about it going into a new environment. I have also been told to "follow my dreams" and not let my decision be dictated by a man, but when you have a committed relationship I don't see how you can't factor in your partner. Your partner should always reciprocate in return with big decision making and that's why the term partner is great because it should be a partnership!

I was super nervous when I was recently talking to my undergrad research mentor about the PhD school search and I mentioned taking him into account and my mentor was like "Of course! You have to make something work for the both of you!" It was such a relief that I didn't get judgement from my mentor and it made me feel justified in how my partner and I were approaching the search. So I think being nervous about bringing my partner up is justified in that some people could think that, but that interaction with my mentor made me realize most people are not going to be like that. I also really like the advice you passed along from your professor so thank you for that

In reference to you and your partner doing the long-distance thing I'm going to provide some more anecdotal evidence (in addition to those who already have) of people making it work. I know two of the professors in my current department lived separated from their respective partners for over a year or more at least once in their relationship and they're great now. One of the couples now has kids and the other couple didn't have kids but have a wonderful dog together and both couples are has happy as can be (as can be seen from the outside of course-but I do know these professors quite well, they are both on my thesis committee).

Edited February 19, 2018 by FishNerd

[ashley623]

I've been having some doubts about grad school lately so I applied to a local job I really wanted, and just had a phone interview. I felt like I sounded like a total dumbass. 
Ha.
Hahaha. 

[Mandasplaining]

Here is my situation: I’m married, have a 9 month old, and my husband is a songwriter/music producer. We live in Nashville. I applied to 16 PhD programs: 5 in California, 2 in Nashville, and the rest are all in *sorta* close proximity to Nashville, because he is going to have to travel back and forth a LOT for work. It’s a huge sacrifice on his part, and I’m beyond lucky he’s willing to work like this for a few years.

In my dream world, I’ll be at Vanderbilt and we won’t have to move. Right now I haven’t heard a word from them, and I feel like it’s gonna be a NO. I have a SUPER GENEROUS offer from Kentucky, and that’s a 3 1/2 hour drive from Nashville and we could make that work. Honestly, moving to California would be the easiest Plan B just because he already works out there a lot, it wouldn’t be weeks at a time back in Nashville. If we end up at Kentucky, I will be totally FINE, but it feels a heck of a lot more complicated with the babe child. 

I was going to apply to programs last year, but the day I started collecting info for apps and what all I needed to do, was also the day I found out I was pregnant. That was...fun. Hahaha. I didn’t want to wait too long to apply because I was afraid if I didn’t do it while she is still so young, it would be increasingly difficult to do the older she gets. But now I’m just...OH SHIT WHAT ARE WE DOING WHO IS GOING TO RAISE YOU WHEN YOUR DAD IS OUT OF TOWN I GUESS THE DOG WILL BE FINE AS A NANNY.

[M(allthevowels)H]

20 minutes ago, Mandasplaining said:

Here is my situation: I’m married, have a 9 month old, and my husband is a songwriter/music producer. We live in Nashville. I applied to 16 PhD programs: 5 in California, 2 in Nashville, and the rest are all in *sorta* close proximity to Nashville, because he is going to have to travel back and forth a LOT for work. It’s a huge sacrifice on his part, and I’m beyond lucky he’s willing to work like this for a few years.

In my dream world, I’ll be at Vanderbilt and we won’t have to move. Right now I haven’t heard a word from them, and I feel like it’s gonna be a NO. I have a SUPER GENEROUS offer from Kentucky, and that’s a 3 1/2 hour drive from Nashville and we could make that work. Honestly, moving to California would be the easiest Plan B just because he already works out there a lot, it wouldn’t be weeks at a time back in Nashville. If we end up at Kentucky, I will be totally FINE, but it feels a heck of a lot more complicated with the babe child. 

I was going to apply to programs last year, but the day I started collecting info for apps and what all I needed to do, was also the day I found out I was pregnant. That was...fun. Hahaha. I didn’t want to wait too long to apply because I was afraid if I didn’t do it while she is still so young, it would be increasingly difficult to do the older she gets. But now I’m just...OH SHIT WHAT ARE WE DOING WHO IS GOING TO RAISE YOU WHEN YOUR DAD IS OUT OF TOWN I GUESS THE DOG WILL BE FINE AS A NANNY.

Wow! Seems like you've got quite the adventure ahead of you either way. Have you asked about childcare at your perspective programs? I know nothing about Kentucky or Nashville, but childcare in Southern California is no joke price-wise. Some programs offer on-campus childcare services which might be something to consider (UCR comes to mind). 

In any event, I was basically raised by a dog and I turned out just fine *scratches behind my ear with my foot*

[Mandasplaining]

8 minutes ago, M(allthevowels)H said:

Wow! Seems like you've got quite the adventure ahead of you either way. Have you asked about childcare at your perspective programs? I know nothing about Kentucky or Nashville, but childcare in Southern California is no joke price-wise. Some programs offer on-campus childcare services which might be something to consider (UCR comes to mind). 

In any event, I was basically raised by a dog and I turned out just fine *scratches behind my ear with my foot*

Gah that’s so comforting. Childcare in Nashville is a full-on BEAST and we have already gotten on as many waitlists as we can in each respective city so that when we know where we’ll be, we can hopefully already have an advantage in getting her in a program. Honestly, her enrollment process is nearly as time consuming as mine.  We are definitely hoping for on-campus care for her, several schools do offer it, and she is already enrolled in a school here, so that’s why I’m reallllllly praying my dream scenario will work out. 

[Yanaka]

@Mandasplaining I laughed out loud at the dog raising the kid! Same for you @M(allthevowels)H. So many funny peeps on this forum 

[unicornsarereal]

1 hour ago, M(allthevowels)H said:

In any event, I was basically raised by a dog and I turned out just fine *scratches behind my ear with my foot*

 

1 hour ago, Mandasplaining said:

OH SHIT WHAT ARE WE DOING WHO IS GOING TO RAISE YOU WHEN YOUR DAD IS OUT OF TOWN I GUESS THE DOG WILL BE FINE AS A NANNY.

Laughing so hard. 

I like babies and dogs. I'll take them for you! 

[Yanaka]

Just got an email from the former chair of French dpt. at the Sorbonne because he endorsed all my letters of rec from there and I told him about getting into Rutgers. He told me he wasn’t surprised because the prof whom he knew and whom referred me to her dpt at Rutgers really wanted to work with me. 

— In other news, I am freaking out and have imposter syndrome big time. I’m having a tough semester (I think my latent depression is manifesting itself) so I feel really unable to go to Rutgers and pursue grad studies. I always feel like I do something intensely and then give it up. I also feel unable to study French Lit because I always thought other people had better culture than I do (FYI I’m French so it’s more being confronted to my peers in my own culture since I was a teenager). Earlier a friend told me, joking, that I am going to be the weird professor going on rants about Proust and stuff—it was a general example but like I’ve never read Proust but everyone around me who likes literature has and loves him. 

And I’m freaking out about moving to Jersey, I have this probably inaccurate idea that’s it’s a boring hell. (Maybe not so inaccurate?)

 

[bpilgrim89]

2 hours ago, Yanaka said:

I feel really unable to go to Rutgers and pursue grad studies. I always feel like I do something intensely and then give it up.

And I’m freaking out about moving to Jersey, I have this probably inaccurate idea that’s it’s a boring hell. (Maybe not so inaccurate?)

 

To the first item, I totally empathize with that (finishing up my thesis is feeling like an impossible task) but I also think that's the academia cycle. An initial stage of enthusiasm, then solid working progress, and then finally the "Oh my God, can this please be over??" stage. At least, that's how I work!

As for Jersey, don't believe the hype, i.e. criticism. I have lived in New Jersey, and despite all the hate it gets, it's actually a lovely space. There's a reason why it's called the Garden State! You get NYC and Philly being so close, but at the same time, there is so much greenery and lovely parks abound!

[Yanaka]

15 minutes ago, bpilgrim89 said:

To the first item, I totally empathize with that (finishing up my thesis is feeling like an impossible task) but I also think that's the academia cycle. An initial stage of enthusiasm, then solid working progress, and then finally the "Oh my God, can this please be over??" stage. At least, that's how I work!

As for Jersey, don't believe the hype, i.e. criticism. I have lived in New Jersey, and despite all the hate it gets, it's actually a lovely space. There's a reason why it's called the Garden State! You get NYC and Philly being so close, but at the same time, there is so much greenery and lovely parks abound!

Thank you! If you have any recommendations around NB (whether it be places to live or places to hang out), feel free to tell me!

[FreakyFoucault]

11 hours ago, bpilgrim89 said:

As for Jersey, don't believe the hype, i.e. criticism. I have lived in New Jersey, and despite all the hate it gets, it's actually a lovely space. There's a reason why it's called the Garden State! You get NYC and Philly being so close, but at the same time, there is so much greenery and lovely parks abound!

I just spent the long weekend with my friend in Jersey! Loved it! Hoboken is rad. And they have all the bagels! 

[Yanaka]

37 minutes ago, FreakyFoucault said:

I just spent the long weekend with my friend in Jersey! Loved it! Hoboken is rad. And they have all the bagels! 

Too far from NB unfortunately! Very close to NYC however... According to Maps...

[FreakyFoucault]

19 minutes ago, Yanaka said:

Too far from NB unfortunately! Very close to NYC however... According to Maps...

I think NB is an hour away from the city? Not too bad. 

[Yanaka]

1 hour ago, FreakyFoucault said:

I think NB is an hour away from the city? Not too bad. 

Yeah it’s awesome

[punctilious]

Imposter syndrome is settling in a bit for my husband. He’s afraid he doesn’t have a strong enough theory background. I’ve been saying that no one is going to know everything going into their PhD—that’s why you have years worth of coursework before the dissertation even starts!

Anyone else feeling similarly? Any sage words of advice? Is anyone using the summer before the PhD to get caught up in areas you feel are your weak points? 

[E. Coronaria]

15 minutes ago, punctilious said:

Imposter syndrome is settling in a bit for my husband. He’s afraid he doesn’t have a strong enough theory background. I’ve been saying that no one is going to know everything going into their PhD—that’s why you have years worth of coursework before the dissertation even starts!

Anyone else feeling similarly? Any sage words of advice? Is anyone using the summer before the PhD to get caught up in areas you feel are your weak points? 

I have imposter syndrome SO HARD right now. I reviewed the survey courses that TAs teach in the first year, saw that the same anthology was used across all the sections, and ordered it already to being studying it ASAP so my future students don’t suffer for all that I don’t know. 

I’m also reviewing some advanced grammar concepts so I can clearly articulate to my students why their writing is poor/ineffective. 

I will review Art and its Significance this summer (probably starting in June—the whole point is to be fresh on the topics in August). 

[urbanfarmer]

27 minutes ago, punctilious said:

Imposter syndrome is settling in a bit for my husband. He’s afraid he doesn’t have a strong enough theory background. I’ve been saying that no one is going to know everything going into their PhD—that’s why you have years worth of coursework before the dissertation even starts!

Anyone else feeling similarly? Any sage words of advice? Is anyone using the summer before the PhD to get caught up in areas you feel are your weak points? 

There is no shame at all, once he is in classes, in admitting that he doesn't know something. I went to a ~very fancy/important school~ for my MA, and while it doesn't happen often there, it's more because everyone is afraid of looking stupid than because they know everything. Saying something like, "I haven't read much Kant. Would you mind quickly explaining his argument?" is actually really helpful in a classroom. Or if he doesn't feel comfortable doing that, approach the professor after a class and ask them about the theory he isn't familiar with. They'll be more than happy to either go over it with him, or recommend texts to read to get caught up on. You're there to learn, and everyone wants to do their best to help you do that! In fact, it's in the institution's interest to make sure he succeeds; people will be very happy to tell him what texts are must-reads, and what ones aren't worth spending time on. 

But really about the questions thing... being able to acknowledge something you don't know, while also being eager to learn it, is actually a huge skill-- and will go a long way; not only in the classroom, but at conferences and eventually job talks. We all know that no one knows everything. I think everyone is much more likely to respect someone who does this than someone who pretends to know everything, or stays silent. 

[EspritHabile]

48 minutes ago, E. Coronaria said:

I’m also reviewing some advanced grammar concepts so I can clearly articulate to my students why their writing is poor/ineffective. 

Full disclosure: I am running on exceptionally little sleep right now, I know you didn't ask for advice, and I'm a composition wonk.

I've found that grammar instruction on its own doesn't really do a lot for students other than make them sleepy and insecure about their writing and/or identity (so-called "Standard Academic English" is a construct and not an actual linguistic standard, so it's fraught with a lot of classism, racism, etc.). In my experience, students are more likely to retain, personalize, and use that kind of information in productive and meaningful ways if it's offered not as a way to diagnose poor writing, but as a series of rhetorical choices that they can make in order to have certain effects on their audience. 

Writing centers tend to focus on "global" issues like organization and content over "local" issues like grammar, unless there are things happening at the sentence level that significantly interfere with clarity of meaning. This approach works well in writing and content-survey courses, too. Once students get interested in more clearly expressing their arguments, and feel empowered to do so, they may seek out grammar or other avenues of rhetorical choice.

With my own students, I focus a lot on content, and then they either end up asking me about grammar because they feel comfortable doing so, or--if I notice there's a pattern of, say, passive voice construction--I can say something like, "Ok, so now that you've got the argument down and you know who your audience is, I think you're ready to challenge your own writing a bit by exploring what happens if you write this sentence in the active voice [briefly explain active vs. passive, using their sentence as context and example]. What effect(s) might that have on your audience? What effect most strongly aligns with your goals for this project? Ok, cool, so think about that, try it out in this draft, and let me know if you want to talk about your ideas or explore other strategies." An approach like this can help students to build confidence in their writing, and to be more willing to accept feedback, revise drafts, etc. because it's more individualized to their needs and goals and it offers choices rather than serving as proof that their writing is bad. I also find that this approach is a lot more fun for me to teach and it helps me to build good relationships with my students because I'm kind of like their personal trainer for writing; they have goals, and I show them a variety of options they could use to reach those goals. Sure, sometimes I might strongly suggest leg day when they want something else or think donuts sound better, but at the end of the day it's ultimately still up to them to decide how they want to communicate their ideas. I think that empowering students with the ability to think about writing as a heap of choices and not rules also helps them to transfer that skill to other courses and professors who have more traditional views on things like grammar. 

TLDR; you don't have to be a grammar expert, and neither do your students, to be successful in the classroom.

If this approach sounds like something you'd like to learn more about, I highly recommend Kolln and Gray's Rhetorical Grammar. This forthcoming special issue of The Dangling Modifier looks like it should also have some helpful perspectives on this topic. I'm also happy to chat via PM or on a separate thread.

Also, I know imposter syndrome is ramping up for everyone now. You're all going to be okay!

 

 

[CulturalCriminal]

2 hours ago, E. Coronaria said:

I have imposter syndrome SO HARD right now. I reviewed the survey courses that TAs teach in the first year, saw that the same anthology was used across all the sections, and ordered it already to being studying it ASAP so my future students don’t suffer for all that I don’t know. 

That’s unfortunate, as most universities provide free copies of an assigned text to TAs.

Relax. You’ll be fine. It is stressful and there is this feeling you need to know everything, but you really don’t.  I doubt you know what the readings are for your section, so at least wait til then.