"Accepting" Total Rejection (A Good Day)

[exvat]

Hi, everybody.

I wanted to take a couple minutes to say this: Today, March 2, 2018, I am feeling at peace with the prospect of going 0-for-4 with this year's applications.

I've spent yesterday and today working on resumes, which has been helpful in numerous ways: distracting me from feelings of self-doubt and anxiety, giving me hope about my decision to move to NYC (and changing careers) regardless of admissions decisions, and making me feel like I have even a modicum of control over my future.

If, in fact, I end up joining the Zero Percenters in the next couple of weeks, I will be hurt and have to periodically fight off waves of self-doubt. However, I will also have the tremendous freedom of doing whatever I want to earn a real paycheck until (hopefully) starting a grad program in the Fall of 2019. I will have the awesome opportunity to discover a new city. I will have the exciting task of seeking and joining an artistic community in place of the MFA I wanted to attend. Oh, and again: I can earn a real paycheck.

Tomorrow, I may lapse back into anxiety, panic, and depression, but I at least wanted to share my brief moment of serenity with y'all. In the South, where I grew up, I would see these obnoxious bumper stickers every single day that read "igbok" (it's gonna be o.k.). I effing hated those things. I still hate those things. .... But you know what?



(barf)
 

[Allbert]

34 minutes ago, exvat said:

Hi, everybody.

I wanted to take a couple minutes to say this: Today, March 2, 2018, I am feeling at peace with the prospect of going 0-for-4 with this year's applications.

I've spent yesterday and today working on resumes, which has been helpful in numerous ways: distracting me from feelings of self-doubt and anxiety, giving me hope about my decision to move to NYC (and changing careers) regardless of admissions decisions, and making me feel like I have even a modicum of control over my future.

If, in fact, I end up joining the Zero Percenters in the next couple of weeks, I will be hurt and have to periodically fight off waves of self-doubt. However, I will also have the tremendous freedom of doing whatever I want to earn a real paycheck until (hopefully) starting a grad program in the Fall of 2019. I will have the awesome opportunity to discover a new city. I will have the exciting task of seeking and joining an artistic community in place of the MFA I wanted to attend. Oh, and again: I can earn a real paycheck.

Tomorrow, I may lapse back into anxiety, panic, and depression, but I at least wanted to share my brief moment of serenity with y'all. In the South, where I grew up, I would see these obnoxious bumper stickers every single day that read "igbok" (it's gonna be o.k.). I effing hated those things. I still hate those things. .... But you know what?



(barf)
 

Thank you for sharing these wise words. 

I am on the same boat: 4 applications and I deeply and honestly share the same feeling:I am expecting zero % invites. I cannot say that I take it softly, mainly bc the main reasons I expect this is prejudice - my Undergrad and Masters were in Brazil, even though I am a domestic applicant- and racism - I am Latino. And I also preparing myself to move temp to a new city but to a place I always wanted to go: The arctic polar circle, the land of the midnight sun, the city of Inuvik here in Canada. I would spend Spring and Summer and then head back south to...whatever life brings.

Fall '19 applications ? Nah, hardly. Maybe I will  be a Digital Nomad, travelling and telling people what it feels like to do what some of them always wanted to try but they have never had the guts to let go and fly. I will be living dream of and for those whose daily pain coming from a harsh rut is too heavy to bear. Reading my blog, they will be free, even if for a few minutes a day. If I succeed in this endeavor, then the failure in my applications will have turned into the greatest success so far in this short earthly lifetime of mine.

But, in the meanwhile, let us both keep the faith,  hoping for the best and expecting.... the " bestEST". 

Edited March 2, 2018 by Allbert
typos

[Progress]

50 minutes ago, exvat said:

Hi, everybody.


I've spent yesterday and today working on resumes, which has been helpful in numerous ways: distracting me from feelings of self-doubt and anxiety, giving me hope about my decision to move to NYC (and changing careers) regardless of admissions decisions, and making me feel like I have even a modicum of control over my future.




(barf)
 

oh man, you're trying to get into NYC, and I'm trying like hell to get out!  Tried moving upstate for a while, that fell apart, now i'm going back to my old damn apartment in brooklyn where it is loud all the time and tourist eat breakfast blocking my stoop every day (im not bitter).  Where do you want to live?

[LolJustAdmitMe]

That’s awesome! Congrats on the inner peace! It’s hard to get there and stay in that space of serenity when you’ve put so much focus into something that ends up rejecting you. It took me earning a paycheck in my field as well to realize that getting into a PhD program wasn’t the world. It still hurt every once and a while to see others effortlessly getting into PhD programs and it took awhile to recognize my own accomplishments, so I wish I was able to find inner peace as soon as you have! You need to give us advice! Haha

[exvat]

On 3/2/2018 at 1:52 PM, Allbert said:

But, in the meanwhile, let us both keep the faith,  hoping for the best and expecting.... the " bestEST". 

Yes! And that sounds like an amazing plan, trekking North. If you decide to, please post a link to your blog!

My backup plan is to find a job with an institution that makes a positive impact on the world (Human Rights Watch, ACLU, etc.), work for them, write poetry before work each day (like the last 6 years), and join a community of artists in NYC. Not the ready-made community or trajectory of an MFA, but definitely a good spot to be in.

Edited March 5, 2018 by exvat
Formatting issues.

[exvat]

On 3/2/2018 at 2:13 PM, Progress said:

oh man, you're trying to get into NYC, and I'm trying like hell to get out!  Tried moving upstate for a while, that fell apart, now i'm going back to my old damn apartment in brooklyn where it is loud all the time and tourist eat breakfast blocking my stoop every day (im not bitter).  Where do you want to live?

Haha, funny how we have goals that can be so incredibly different from someone else's! I'm looking at the LES and the Village mostly, but willing to consider Brooklyn if the commute works out. My girlfriend's job will likely be the higher paying, so it also pretty much depends on her employment situation to be honest 

Edited March 6, 2018 by exvat
Again with the formatting!

[CFGauß]

Thank you for a place to vent! I am currently extremely swinging between moods. Last night, as I lay in my bed, I  was convinced, absolutely convinced, I literally knew, that I was going to be rejected. Today, I am browsing housing options again, making my way from my amazing academic slash party loft to class, grabbing coffee at my go-to spot on the way and already tasting the morning bagel in my mouth. I need a xanax.

[Allbert]

22 hours ago, exvat said:

Yes! And that sounds like an amazing plan, trekking North. If you decide to, please post a link to your blog!

My backup plan is to find a job with an institution that makes a positive impact on the world (Human Rights Watch, ACLU, etc.), work for them, write poetry before work each day (like the last 6 years), and join a community of artists in NYC. Not the ready-made community or trajectory of an MFA, but definitely a good spot to be in.

wow  ! ! great plans  ! ! 

[Ling_Aud]

On 3/3/2018 at 5:52 AM, Allbert said:

Thank you for sharing these wise words. 

I am on the same boat: 4 applications and I deeply and honestly share the same feeling:I am expecting zero % invites. I cannot say that I take it softly, mainly bc the main reasons I expect this is prejudice - my Undergrad and Masters were in Brazil, even though I am a domestic applicant- and racism - I am Latino. And I also preparing myself to move temp to a new city but to a place I always wanted to go: The arctic polar circle, the land of the midnight sun, the city of Inuvik here in Canada. I would spend Spring and Summer and then head back south to...whatever life brings.

Fall '19 applications ? Nah, hardly. Maybe I will  be a Digital Nomad, travelling and telling people what it feels like to do what some of them always wanted to try but they have never had the guts to let go and fly. I will be living dream of and for those whose daily pain coming from a harsh rut is too heavy to bear. Reading my blog, they will be free, even if for a few minutes a day. If I succeed in this endeavor, then the failure in my applications will have turned into the greatest success so far in this short earthly lifetime of mine.

But, in the meanwhile, let us both keep the faith,  hoping for the best and expecting.... the " bestEST". 

You have a positive attitude --  I am sure good things will come your way!

[warrigan]

I'm in the same situation: four schools, waitlisted-but-basically-rejected at one and nothing from the others yet.  On Sunday I took the day to make myself feel good.  I got a fun new haircut, I took a nice long walk and listened to music, I watched some RuPaul's Drag Race.  It was a mini treat yoself day to distance myself from the stress of waiting for decisions.  I will survive rejection, so I refuse to let it overwhelm me.

[exvat]

43 minutes ago, warrigan said:

I'm in the same situation: four schools, waitlisted-but-basically-rejected at one and nothing from the others yet.  On Sunday I took the day to make myself feel good.  I got a fun new haircut, I took a nice long walk and listened to music, I watched some RuPaul's Drag Race.  It was a mini treat yoself day to distance myself from the stress of waiting for decisions.  I will survive rejection, so I refuse to let it overwhelm me.

Hey, that does sound like a great day! And yes, you will. I have to keep reminding myself that I will too, but it's pretty darn true. And I'll probably get over the sting of rejection rather quickly, especially once I get the ball rolling on the move and the job.

Edited March 6, 2018 by exvat
No edits, just bragging that I nailed the formatting first time around, NBD ?

[Remy10]

Thanks for posting this, I could feel myself actually starting to breathe easier while reading your calming and wise words!

[TheHoff]

I'm on a similar boat. 

Applied to 4 schools, one which I done a summer internship, managed to get a publication during the internship and got a recommendation from the Professor, but still got no word back from the school.

I was starting to embrace total rejection but I decided to email the POI from a school where I had a interview in mid-January and his reply was "I personally liked you, but I didn't though you would come to UCR, so I think you are in the waitlist".

So right now I'm back to the nerve wracking waiting game...

[Moien]

ohhhh the wait.....

I genuinely hate waiting for anything, but it makes our soal stronger. My soul is enduring agonizing pain for what seems to be a hopeless endeavor continuing a long path. I tried a lot, I put all of my energy to pursue science and do something great, however it's not the ultimate goal. I need to reach peace with myself. God is somewhere near us...

Stay faithful

 

I am thinking about taking to the countryside and start farming, put together a peaceful life in the heart of mother nature and continue my research for myself, not for any other. I want to do math until I die in obscurity and solidarity. I think to myself, this is a nice plan B. what do you think?

[hmiller]

oh I needed to read that I'm not the only one going through this. I applied to 6 programs, all PhD in clinical psychology, been rejected from 2 and heard nothing from the other 4 except 1 saying "you're on a waitlist to be interviewed" aka "you're not good enough for the first cut but hey- we are a new program and we need warm bodies so you'll suffice if need be"... I'm an older student, a mother, and my husband has established himself so I'm chasing my dreams (finally) but it is taking every last ounce of sanity for me not to flee the winters up north and go settle closer to a beach and just give up on dreams... It gets me at night, I'll lay awake feeling sick to my stomach for not applying to a few masters programs just to have an additional safety net but everything happens for a reason. WE LIVE ONCE, DON'T RUSH LIFE AND ENJOY EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, EVERY EXPERIENCE, EVERY LOSS and LEARN/GROW FROM IT!  We got this, best of luck in coping to all and on you're new journeys! 

Edited March 8, 2018 by hmiller

[exvat]

On 3/8/2018 at 3:00 AM, Moien said:

I am thinking about taking to the countryside and start farming, put together a peaceful life in the heart of mother nature and continue my research for myself, not for any other. I want to do math until I die in obscurity and solidarity. I think to myself, this is a nice plan B. what do you think?

That sounds fantastic, so long as you genuinely derive joy from the solitary life. I've seriously considered moving to a small, rural town in someplace with seasons (not NorCal, where I am now), where I could write every morning, work somewhere I enjoy and that pays the bills during the day, and be a part of a small, insular community. Of course, I do have a girlfriend who I love and am devoted to making a life with, and who would probably veto such a plan... Perhaps I'll just stick to the aforementioned "Plan B" and move to NYC with her

[exvat]

On 3/7/2018 at 10:33 AM, TheHoff said:

his reply was "I personally liked you, but I didn't though you would come to UCR, so I think you are in the waitlist".

I am slightly terrified that I will get a similar treatment from admissions boards. I left an 8-year career with a great path to growth and success, only to apply to grad programs in a completely unrelated field. Granted, I've been published in that field, devoted 6 years of pre-dawn hours to it, and shelled out a lot of money to gain experience and contacts in it. But I'm still worried that the powers that be will look at me and say, "I'm afraid that he's not seriously dedicated, and won't commit if we offer him a slot." To think this only stresses me out, accomplishes nothing, and really just ruins my mood and/or day. So I try not to think about it!

Sorry to hear that...good luck to you!

[Aji]

I am on the same boat. Applied to 4 PhD program in Human Resource Management, got 1 rejection and still no words on the other 3. Currently working as lecturer in university. If i don't get into the program, i might leave my academic career and waste my 3 years experience as lecturer.

 

May be academic career is just not for me.

[exvat]

On 3/8/2018 at 9:50 AM, hmiller said:

WE LIVE ONCE, DON'T RUSH LIFE AND ENJOY EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, EVERY EXPERIENCE, EVERY LOSS and LEARN/GROW FROM IT!  We got this, best of luck in coping to all and on you're new journeys! 

Thanks for sharing, and best of luck to you too!

Fortunately, my field (poetry writing) is something I can practice and be a part of outside of an academic track, but it's just WAY harder to gain vital connections, community, and support. So if I'm truly devoted to it, I can succeed--as so many other writers have before--without a degree. The work required is just much greater, the odds and time stacked against slightly more against me, and the demands on internal motivation/prioritization paramount.

At this point, I'd vastly prefer the MFA track to slugging it out alone... buy I've done it for 6 years, so I at least know I'm capable of it.

[MindOverMatter]

Wow. Everyone in the same boat! So happy I found this thread. Literally in the same predicament as everyone - only applied to 4 programs and waitlisted at 1. I keep setting new mental benchmarks for myself: "They'll accept me next week and take me off the list!" Constantly vacillating between being very hopeful that it'll work out and also incredibly anxious that it won't. I wish it wasn't so competitive for those who like to study and research;  if we all have the will, there should be a way! I'll continue to study independently and try to stay engaged if I don't get in, but obviously the legitimacy of being at a program/institution will help it feel worthwhile! Good luck to you all, fellow lifelong learners. I hope we find our place! 

[Moien]

On 3/9/2018 at 11:08 AM, exvat said:

That sounds fantastic, so long as you genuinely derive joy from the solitary life. I've seriously considered moving to a small, rural town in someplace with seasons (not NorCal, where I am now), where I could write every morning, work somewhere I enjoy and that pays the bills during the day, and be a part of a small, insular community. Of course, I do have a girlfriend who I love and am devoted to making a life with, and who would probably veto such a plan... Perhaps I'll just stick to the aforementioned "Plan B" and move to NYC with her

Your plan sounds like a dreamy life for a poet, but still you have responsibility toward your girlfriend, unlike you I think I am free to devote myself to the lifestyle I want. Maybe someday I will envy yours.

[exvat]

Hi, everybody.

To update, this afternoon I received my final admissions decision: yet another rejection. Final tally: 0-for-4. I am not going to grad school this year.

As I had hoped, the moment of serenity captured in this topic's initial post has surprisingly lasted. I feel more or less at peace with this outcome. It's not what I wanted, and it of course stings. But here's where I am finding hope, excitement, and motivation right now:

1. I'm a damn good poet. (I don't need Iowa, NYU, Columbia, or Vanderbilt to validate this. I have publications for that! )
2. I love and look forward to continuing to write more damn good poetry.
3. I am moving to NYC in a few months with my amazing girlfriend.
4. I am now free to contact my career counselor and learn what amazing (and finally, fitting!) new opportunities are out there.
5. I am now free to (somehow) earn a real paycheck!
6. I have the incredible (if seriously daunting) opportunity to build an artistic network on my own terms, and not on an MFA's terms.
7. I have generated some seriously good work in the last few weeks, which I am excited to see published (oh yeah, I'm calling it, right now!), and in next year's applications.

So, that's where I am at the end of this application season. Is it where I wanted to be? Nope. Is it where I expected to be? Sorry to say, nope. But is it where I am, and where I am responsible for moving forward from? Yup. Not being admitted to any schools this year is not a failure on my part. To not accept and make the most of these circumstances, however; that would be a tremendous failure.

Best of luck to everybody! If you fear the total rejection that I have found, may you in turn find peace and acceptance of your circumstances. If you are admitted, and will be attending school in the Fall: congratulations! Now leave this topic alone and stop wallowing in other people's misery! 

[Jjjuliannn]

On 3/2/2018 at 5:13 PM, Progress said:

oh man, you're trying to get into NYC, and I'm trying like hell to get out!  Tried moving upstate for a while, that fell apart, now i'm going back to my old damn apartment in brooklyn where it is loud all the time and tourist eat breakfast blocking my stoop every day (im not bitter).  Where do you want to live?

lol i'm in the same boat!!! currently m i s e r a b l e 

[Jjjuliannn]

15 hours ago, exvat said:

Hi, everybody.

To update, this afternoon I received my final admissions decision: yet another rejection. Final tally: 0-for-4. I am not going to grad school this year.

As I had hoped, the moment of serenity captured in this topic's initial post has surprisingly lasted. I feel more or less at peace with this outcome. It's not what I wanted, and it of course stings. But here's where I am finding hope, excitement, and motivation right now:

1. I'm a damn good poet. (I don't need Iowa, NYU, Columbia, or Vanderbilt to validate this. I have publications for that! )
2. I love and look forward to continuing to write more damn good poetry.
3. I am moving to NYC in a few months with my amazing girlfriend.
4. I am now free to contact my career counselor and learn what amazing (and finally, fitting!) new opportunities are out there.
5. I am now free to (somehow) earn a real paycheck!
6. I have the incredible (if seriously daunting) opportunity to build an artistic network on my own terms, and not on an MFA's terms.
7. I have generated some seriously good work in the last few weeks, which I am excited to see published (oh yeah, I'm calling it, right now!), and in next year's applications.

So, that's where I am at the end of this application season. Is it where I wanted to be? Nope. Is it where I expected to be? Sorry to say, nope. But is it where I am, and where I am responsible for moving forward from? Yup. Not being admitted to any schools this year is not a failure on my part. To not accept and make the most of these circumstances, however; that would be a tremendous failure.

Best of luck to everybody! If you fear the total rejection that I have found, may you in turn find peace and acceptance of your circumstances. If you are admitted, and will be attending school in the Fall: congratulations! Now leave this topic alone and stop wallowing in other people's misery! 

glad to see this resolved and you feel this way. grad school isn't for everybody, and it's possible to have an exciting career without it! enjoy yourself and work hard and it will pay off. 

[exvat]

On 3/17/2018 at 6:38 AM, Jjjuliannn said:

glad to see this resolved and you feel this way. grad school isn't for everybody, and it's possible to have an exciting career without it! enjoy yourself and work hard and it will pay off. 

Thanks! Now I just have to keep reinforcing and internalizing the above points...

Why are you looking to escape NYC?