Starting over in a new place....

[LittleDarlings]

Did anyone go to school far away from home? I applied to schools that were all far away from home (like in other states or a minimum of 2 hours away) except for one which I don't know that I want to go to because I can't handle living in this horrible town anymore.  I am afraid, I have never lived away from home (except a 3 month internship 2 hours away) I have no idea how to pick out good laundry detergent or balance my diet or anything that at 23 I feel like you should know.  How did you manage ALONE in a new place? I am excited to move and start over, hopefully make new friends.  I am afraid making friends will be so hard.  I NEED new friends though.  My best friend just found out she is pregnant and in all honesty I can't imagine continuing a friendship with her.  It sounds childish and awful but I can't be her friend and watch her go through what I want so badly... Anyways I only have 3 close-ish friends and they all are in or getting into relationships and obviously I'm not because my life sucks. I need more friends (preferably single) who I can party with and study with.  How did you make friends? Did it come easily? I am a friendly person I can make conversation but I get shy.  

 

Also was it more easy for you to be alone in grad school? I'm sure some of you live alone with no roommates (not sure if I want that yet) is it easy for you to go out alone and do activities alone? I always wanted to try going to a bar alone and maybe watching a football game but I HATE being alone like sitting there feeling awkward like people are staring and wondering why I'm a loser and alone.  I just want my grad school experience to be the best thing ever, I want a fresh start in all aspects. Ideally I want to meet someone and date but my life is sucking lately and I can't solely count on that to happen I guess.   

[SocGirl2013]

For your sake, I really, really hope you get as far away from home as possible and practise some growing up and independence. Good luck.

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

The part where you said now that your "best friend" is pregnant you don't want to continue your friendship - at a time when she could probably seriously benefit from having a good friend around - is where I stopped caring about what you want for yourself. You have a lot of maturing to do, and you need to stop making yourself the center of the universe. It's beyond unattractive.

[Imaginary]

Consider that you should wait until you are finished with your MSW and have FMLA at an at least reasonably secure job (obviously, we can't predict everything) before you have a baby. You have probably heard this from family and/or friends but I think it is totally different hearing it from a stranger. It can be difficult to find and keep a job, especially one that doesn't pay very well and/or is part time with no insurance, when you have a young child.

 

As for your friend, maybe you can be part of the baby's life. That might help.

[spectastic]

you adapt

[LittleDarlings]

The part where you said now that your "best friend" is pregnant you don't want to continue your friendship - at a time when she could probably seriously benefit from having a good friend around - is where I stopped caring about what you want for yourself. You have a lot of maturing to do, and you need to stop making yourself the center of the universe. It's beyond unattractive.

.... She made the decision she made and she has a boyfriend so I am sure he can provide support for her.  We are going to grow apart, she is having a baby, I'm not, that means her life will TOTALLY change and my life is still the same.  I feel like we are going to grow apart either way, even if I went to school out of state we would likely grow apart so it is inevitable.  Anyways I just don't know if I can emotionally handle her being pregnant and be not, just the way the situation happened is hard for me to get over. I know it is selfish and dumb to end a friendship over jealousy but I can't see how I can be a part of this situation.  I know I am not the most mature person and I can admit that but I still have to do things that help me, I can't just let my mental health fail by trying to be there for her.  It is hard for me to separate myself from her situation because it just happened so quickly.  She was with this guy not even a full month and she is pregnant.  I was with a guy who was EVERYTHING, perfect for 3 months and I have nothing to show for it.  I feel like I have no direction and I have nothing to show for my life.. besides a degree, which is great but a lot of people have those. 

Edited December 26, 2013 by Pinkster12

[moonchild1093]

The part where you said now that your "best friend" is pregnant you don't want to continue your friendship - at a time when she could probably seriously benefit from having a good friend around - is where I stopped caring about what you want for yourself. You have a lot of maturing to do, and you need to stop making yourself the center of the universe. It's beyond unattractive.

Yes, because every woman's goal in life is to be as attractive as humanly possible at all times. Don't minimize her concerns! They're legitimate. 

[LittleDarlings]

Consider that you should wait until you are finished with your MSW and have FMLA at an at least reasonably secure job (obviously, we can't predict everything) before you have a baby. You have probably heard this from family and/or friends but I think it is totally different hearing it from a stranger. It can be difficult to find and keep a job, especially one that doesn't pay very well and/or is part time with no insurance, when you have a young child.

 

As for your friend, maybe you can be part of the baby's life. That might help.

She asked me to be her baby's Godmother, I don't know that I want to be a part of her babies life. I really want my own babies and so to watch her go through what I want so much is hard to me.  I know I shouldn't rush it and I do need a job and source of income (can't live at home forever lol) but the fact that it isn't happening is hard for me to deal with right now.  I have never been more unhappy in my life then I am right now. 

[CanRes]

The more I read these forums the more I think Pinkster is just an expert troll putting on a world class acting job.  When you take a step back and look at it, it all kind of makes sense. 

[LittleDarlings]

The more I read these forums the more I think Pinkster is just an expert troll putting on a world class acting job.  When you take a step back and look at it, it all kind of makes sense. 

I don't see how can could really be? I have never changed stories, pretty much everything I post is the same point, I just want some life purpose and direction.  Maybe I made the mistake of asking you all about it but I don't see how it is trolling for me to ask about actual life experiences of graduate students when I am going to be one next year. 

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

Yes, because every woman's goal in life is to be as attractive as humanly possible at all times. Don't minimize her concerns! They're legitimate. 

 

It doesn't make her any less of an indecent human being if she abandons the person she calls "best friend."

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

Look, I honestly felt for Pinkster for a long time and hoped that everything would work out - and I still do. But this is a new low for her, and it's so unbelievably offensive that I can't feel bad for her anymore. I feel bad for her friend, who is clearly in a situation that could work out wonderfully or turn into a terribly troubling experience, and she doesn't even have her best friend to support her through it. Who needs enemies?

[louise86]

In all honesty, I think you need to wait on grad school. It doesn't appear that you are emotionally ready to work with at-risk populations. You are going to end up doing more harm to your own mental health and harm to your clients'. Between this thread and the one about finding a husband you've made some statements that completely go against social work ethics and that show a lack of emotional maturity.  

 

Instead of going back to school, it's probably better to get a job in the field doing intake or something so you can discover if social work really is right for you.

[LittleDarlings]

Look, I honestly felt for Pinkster for a long time and hoped that everything would work out - and I still do. But this is a new low for her, and it's so unbelievably offensive that I can't feel bad for her anymore. I feel bad for her friend, who is clearly in a situation that could work out wonderfully or turn into a terribly troubling experience, and she doesn't even have her best friend to support her through it. Who needs enemies?

Maybe you have never felt jealousy in your life and if so then thats awesome I honestly wish I could have never experienced it either, but for me it is like every time I see this friend or hear her talk about her baby or a doctors appt or her new boyfriend of less than a month my stomach drops, I have to stop myself from just completely breaking down in tears, and I get this anger that it's not me and I am not even near a point of it being me, then that leads to me thinking "what am I actually doing with my life" and me recapping all the failed relationships and the lack of a new person.. this is EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE HER.  Do you know how emotionally draining it is for me?  I might be a bad person or whatever but I don't know how to get over that.  It is easier for me to just distance myself from people who make me feel like that.  In the end she is going to be a totally different person at the end of this, she can't go out and do the stuff I want to do anymore. My birthday is tomorrow, we were supposed to go out to the bars and pick up on guys and drink and have fun. She can't.  I hate losing friends but I also hate feeling like shit every time someone gets a boyfriend or engaged or gets pregnant.  It is hard and you probably don't understand but it hurts a lot.  

 

 

Luckyducky we have talked about the whole adoption thing and first this is first I would need a husband, a job and money, they don't just give babies away to 22 year olds.  If adoption was my only option I would gladly do it but I would need a husband first and that is where the problem begins. I honestly just made this thread to figure out how to function alone in a new city and make friends. I don't want to go back to the "finding a husband" thread.  I have read every possible book about how to attract a husband in a year or in 4 steps, or before 35, it is exhausting. 

[LittleDarlings]

In all honesty, I think you need to wait on grad school. It doesn't appear that you are emotionally ready to work with at-risk populations. You are going to end up doing more harm to your own mental health and harm to your clients'. Between this thread and the one about finding a husband you've made some statements that completely go against social work ethics and that show a lack of emotional maturity.  

 

Instead of going back to school, it's probably better to get a job in the field doing intake or something so you can discover if social work really is right for you.

I can't do that, there is no job that I can find.  

I have talked to my therapist she said that as long as I stay in therapy through school and work through some of this stuff I should be  fine.  Believe me I worry about that too, I thought I had a good grasp on all this stuff before I applied but then my friends situation happened and now I am totally out there again.  If I don't go to school I won't have the opportunity to leave this area because I can't find a decent paying job that would allow me to move so I have to go.  I can't handle staying here any longer.  My life isn't progressing and I can't risk waiting another year or 2 and being even older going to school.  Nothing against people who go to school older but for me I am in a state of panic about being 23 almost with no purpose, I can't imagine waiting another year or longer.  

[nohika]

Maybe you have never felt jealousy in your life and if so then thats awesome I honestly wish I could have never experienced it either, but for me it is like every time I see this friend or hear her talk about her baby or a doctors appt or her new boyfriend of less than a month my stomach drops, I have to stop myself from just completely breaking down in tears, and I get this anger that it's not me and I am not even near a point of it being me, then that leads to me thinking "what am I actually doing with my life" and me recapping all the failed relationships and the lack of a new person.. this is EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE HER.  Do you know how emotionally draining it is for me?  I might be a bad person or whatever but I don't know how to get over that.  It is easier for me to just distance myself from people who make me feel like that.  In the end she is going to be a totally different person at the end of this, she can't go out and do the stuff I want to do anymore. My birthday is tomorrow, we were supposed to go out to the bars and pick up on guys and drink and have fun. She can't.  I hate losing friends but I also hate feeling like shit every time someone gets a boyfriend or engaged or gets pregnant.  It is hard and you probably don't understand but it hurts a lot.  

 

 

Luckyducky we have talked about the whole adoption thing and first this is first I would need a husband, a job and money, they don't just give babies away to 22 year olds.  If adoption was my only option I would gladly do it but I would need a husband first and that is where the problem begins. I honestly just made this thread to figure out how to function alone in a new city and make friends. I don't want to go back to the "finding a husband" thread.  I have read every possible book about how to attract a husband in a year or in 4 steps, or before 35, it is exhausting. 

 

I think you're kind of stuck in the land of teenagers, where everything that happens to you is the absolute Worst and no one can Possibly Understand How You're Feeling. The rampant jealousy is part of that too. But guess what - you're going to have to learn to deal with it. You'll run into a lot of people that have what you want, and you need to be able to deal with it like a functional human being.

 

And Pinkster, one of the best adoptive parents I know was a single mother (who was, incidentally, a social worker). 

 

Going to graduate school to find a sense of purpose is not going to help. In fact, it will probably make it worse.

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

How did this turn into the other thread in a matter of two posts?

[LittleDarlings]

I think you're kind of stuck in the land of teenagers, where everything that happens to you is the absolute Worst and no one can Possibly Understand How You're Feeling. The rampant jealousy is part of that too. But guess what - you're going to have to learn to deal with it. You'll run into a lot of people that have what you want, and you need to be able to deal with it like a functional human being.

 

And Pinkster, one of the best adoptive parents I know was a single mother (who was, incidentally, a social worker). 

 

Going to graduate school to find a sense of purpose is not going to help. In fact, it will probably make it worse.

I know I am lucky in a lot of aspects of my life, even in the situation with my friend it isn't ideal to go through what she is going through. I mean everything seems great now but having a baby by a man you've known less than a month has to be stressful.  I guess the part that kills me is in the end no matter what she gets this beautiful little baby to raise a be a mom to, she gets to go through this amazing pregnancy and have someone to love her no matter what and always be there you know? Thats hard because I feel like I have nothing, even though I mean I have a family which is good I guess.  I just wish I knew how to not be jealous and I am working through it in therapy but it doesn't happen overnight and it is a long built up thing now.  

 

Anyways I always thought you had to be married and show that you are a part of a stable family before they would adopt a child out to you? I don't know that I am infertile because even though I have never been pregnant I have never really tried to be (if that makes sense?) so thinking adoption right now is jumping the gun a little. 

 

I just don't know what to do to have purpose, I have found places I would volunteer but it just isn't enough I need more in life.  I don't know 100% what I want but I just feel like school will help me. Anyways I have heard a lot of people say MSW programs are good for self reflection and maybe it can help me.

 

 

Like I said my intent wasn't to talk about husbands or babies I just want to know how to make friends and be alone and just personal experiences.

Edited December 26, 2013 by Pinkster12

[louise86]

 

I can't do that, there is no job that I can find.  

I have talked to my therapist she said that as long as I stay in therapy through school and work through some of this stuff I should be  fine.  Believe me I worry about that too, I thought I had a good grasp on all this stuff before I applied but then my friends situation happened and now I am totally out there again.  If I don't go to school I won't have the opportunity to leave this area because I can't find a decent paying job that would allow me to move so I have to go.  I can't handle staying here any longer.  My life isn't progressing and I can't risk waiting another year or 2 and being even older going to school.  Nothing against people who go to school older but for me I am in a state of panic about being 23 almost with no purpose, I can't imagine waiting another year or longer.  

 

The fact that you are in such a state of panic over something so small is part of the issue.

 

What are you going to do if a pregnant woman is one of your clients in your field placement? What about a woman with several children already? A pregnant teenager? A woman who has decided to have an abortion? A woman that doesn't want children? Or to get married? Don't type out the answers to these just think about them.  

 

You need to be able to not project your own wants, needs, and issues onto clients. 

[louise86]

Like I said my intent wasn't to talk about husbands or babies I just want to know how to make friends and be alone and just personal experiences.

 

You make friends in class, through hobbies and activities, etc. You're not going to have lasting friendships, though, if you cannot deal with other people's ups and downs and life choices. 

[Guest Gnome Chomsky]

Can we just add this on to the other thread? Since it's the same thing. 

[LittleDarlings]

I know I have thought about it. I just kind of hoped by the time I am taking on clients I will be married or pregnant or whatever and happy. I will just be happy. I used to work at a courthouse and deal with people in those situations all the time and I was fine. At the time I was working there I was also living alone in a big city, I was always busy so I didn't have time to worry about all the stuff I worry about now.

I know I want to go into social work but in all honesty I have no idea how I will handle those situations especially the pregnant teen. My therapist was a teen mom and I almost decided to switch doctors. I don't know what to do, I mean its a lose for me either way. If I don't go to school then I'm stuck here doing the nothing that I have been doing since graduation which has left me in a bad position.

Lets just hope by the time I'm in school I actually have good things happening to me instead of the awful things that happen to me now

Edited December 26, 2013 by Pinkster12

[nohika]

I know I am lucky in a lot of aspects of my life, even in the situation with my friend it isn't ideal to go through what she is going through. I mean everything seems great now but having a baby by a man you've known less than a month has to be stressful.  I guess the part that kills me is in the end no matter what she gets this beautiful little baby to raise a be a mom to, she gets to go through this amazing pregnancy and have someone to love her no matter what and always be there you know? Thats hard because I feel like I have nothing, even though I mean I have a family which is good I guess.  I just wish I knew how to not be jealous and I am working through it in therapy but it doesn't happen overnight and it is a long built up thing now.  

 

Anyways I always thought you had to be married and show that you are a part of a stable family before they would adopt a child out to you? I don't know that I am infertile because even though I have never been pregnant I have never really tried to be (if that makes sense?) so thinking adoption right now is jumping the gun a little. 

 

I just don't know what to do to have purpose, I have found places I would volunteer but it just isn't enough I need more in life.  I don't know 100% what I want but I just feel like school will help me. Anyways I have heard a lot of people say MSW programs are good for self reflection and maybe it can help me.

 

 

Like I said my intent wasn't to talk about husbands or babies I just want to know how to make friends and be alone and just personal experiences.

 

So just some bits of advice, here. Yes, that's a troublesome situation. I have a friend who went through it and while I don't agree with her choices, she got married and seems to be happy. Will that mean a divorce in a year or two? Probably. Is that now? No. Being a parent is not as glamorous as you're making it out to be. Your baby? Guess what! They're a person, just like you, and they may not like you. You may not get along. My Mom and I mostly tolerate each other, but we are not good for each other, most times. Your kid is not supposed to be there for you - you're supposed to be there for your kid, and that's a lesson a lot of parents forget. And babydaddies do not always stick around. Especially not in these kind of situations.

 

Nope. Admittedly, most of the parents I know that adopted kids fostered to adopt, but there were quite a few single Moms and even a few single dads (and a couple gay couples), so really, there's no limits, at least where I grew up. You do need to have a stable job, though, and pass their inspections/tests/etc.

 

Pinkster, going into debt to /maybe/ find yourself is not worth it. Work a crappy job. Volunteer. Find out what you like, what you don't like. I know it's rough. Everyone wants to know what they want and who they are. But taking on loans is not a good way to do that. Especially not on a maybe chance. Once you know what you like and don't like, figure out what kind of job you might enjoy that will capitalize on what you like. It's hard.

 

I can't really help much with making friends, because I'm a rather antisocial person, but I've gotten to know quite a few classmates and my roommate (who is more social) through coursework and her lab has made several friends and is invited to parties, etc. She's even got a boyfriend (admittedly off of OKCupid) and they get along really well. So it can happen. Smile, be warm, be friendly, and you'll make friends.

[dat_nerd]

If it helps any, I'll answer your original question. I moved across the country four months ago. It takes over 5 hours to travel from "home" to my new home by plane. If I can't afford a nonstop flight, then it's about 8 hours. It did take some adjusting at first, but that's always to be expected. 

 

 

How do you make friends in a new place? The same way that you should in a familiar place -- by investing in relationships. In a healthy friendship, you selflessly support a person and they selflessly support you back. You build trust by being a good friend through the good and the bad times.

 

Your "best friend" certainly seems to trust you. Right now, she's probably scared and could use all the support she can get. What good is it to be a friend to someone if you're only a "fair weather friend"? If you want to know how to befriend someone in a strange new environment, practice by being a good friend now.

[LittleDarlings]

If it helps any, I'll answer your original question. I moved across the country four months ago. It takes over 5 hours to travel from "home" to my new home by plane. If I can't afford a nonstop flight, then it's about 8 hours. It did take some adjusting at first, but that's always to be expected. 

 

 

How do you make friends in a new place? The same way that you should in a familiar place -- by investing in relationships. In a healthy friendship, you selflessly support a person and they selflessly support you back. You build trust by being a good friend through the good and the bad times.

 

Your "best friend" certainly seems to trust you. Right now, she's probably scared and could use all the support she can get. What good is it to be a friend to someone if you're only a "fair weather friend"? If you want to know how to befriend someone in a strange new environment, practice by being a good friend now.

So how do I handle my personal feelings? The jealousy?